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Christians, if your lands
-have churches that were destroyed
-were invaded and the Christian people enslaved
-were attacked by Persians
They’re not your lands. They’re Persian lands. The Persians invaded our lands.

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Huge groups of kings, soldiers, and dukes can’t accomplish anything but these little oddball 6 year olds think they can do a better job. #sad

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@adele Hello from the other side, I must have written a thousand times, to tell you I’ve got tons of riches and we drove back the Turks ❤️❤️❤️

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so apparently persians invaded OUR christian lands?! mr. pope thinks we should start a crusade to show that we love god and stuff. i mean sure ill join, for god.

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Heard some Persians were starting beef, y’all gone 👊catch some sanctified hands 🙏 if you agree, get your fighting gear 🗡 and get this bread 🍞
#DeusValt #PERISHHEATHENVERMIN

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Heard the Persians were looking to cause some trouble in our Christian territory. I hope they brought a few Kleenex boxes because they’ll need something to wipe away the tears after we crush them!

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STREET SMARTS! If the enemy is coming at you with the swirling sword, hide in the innermost rooms. Now you’ve thrown them off their rhythm.

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hey wifey 😍 so your mans rich now 🤑 and i drove back the turks. you know id do anything for you 💕

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Appalled. @venetians you’re going to hell, you greedy, god-hating savages.

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Bonjour Frenchmen! Do yoú wánt a... how do you say... délicious dínner? Hon hon hon, try rôasting somé págans! Très délicious.

[this post was sponsored by some angry Turks]

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@Adele omw home. My business trip was good, I got a pretty hefty bonus, and I led the slaughter of thousands in the name of our merciful lord and savior. Can’t wait to see the kids!
#blessed

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hey all my jewish folks out there, i know we've all suffered from the germans and the french, but yall stay strong 💪 we can overcome

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There is nothing feistier than a large group of 5 year olds, so I totally understand why they want to fight. Parents want their kids to be active and I honestly can’t see a better way to get the kiddos off the couch!

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Another day, another tongue bleed from eating thistles and rat skins. #GodWillsIt!

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so apparently cannibalism is a thing now? yall are sick.. im sure pagans dont even taste that good ya nastys #smh 😷

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While I was watering my plants on this pleasant afternoon, I suddenly stopped to unleash my uncontrollable rage I felt toward the Venetians. What they did was unthinkable and after I burnt down my neighbors house and stomped on their garden I felt a lot better! #mondays

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@europeans I, a lay-about, hurried to the ramparts to gawk at y’all, but all I could see was a vague cloud of dust in the far distance. Explain?

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Honestly, hate dealing with rude people. I’m not calling anyone out but SOMEONE who likes DEAD MESSIAHS and a HORIZONTAL LINE WITH A VERTICAL ONE OVER IT just killed all of my family, took my livelihood, and exiled me from my home. Worst part? THEY DID IT ON THE WEEKEND!

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i endured winter’s cold, summer’s heat, and heavy rains for the Lord, and now i’ve been cleansed of all my sins. the rains down in Antioch are truly blessed 🙏

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seriously starting to doubt the severity of these franks 😒 they keep saying theyre coming to invade but where are they? not here thats for sure 😂

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I am in the grip of fear....

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Poll: should we make 1) grilled kids 2) boiled pagan adults ???

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men only want one thing and it’s literally disgusting: a piece of the altar at the Hagia Sophia (formed of all kinds of precious metals)

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Everyone around me is enjoying their roasted kid on a stick, while I’m enjoying my nice salad. #vegansstaywinning

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@willywonka speak for your own culture okay? Cannibalism is what’s hot and new in concurring, and just because you frown upon it doesn’t mean we have to.

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Ugh, I had such a long day! Had to work the lands all day while my husband’s off reclaiming the Holy Lands 😑 And now I’ve got to pick up the kids from their crusade at 5:30. Can’t wait to relax with a nice glass of muddy water and take my once-a-year bath! #momlife 🧖‍♀️

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I’m not eating until my skin is as dry as wood against my skin and it’s all God’s fault

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imy Adele, love ur brave soldier Stephen

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Let’s get those Persians out of Europe!

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this god guy better be the real deal bc all these extreme weathers are annoying.. at least we’re being cleansed i guess #godwillsit 🙏

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these venetians are WILD.. they spilled the body and blood of christ and destroyed pretty much everything. #overit 🤦‍♀️

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so proud of my little kiddos for going out and fighting the fight! it means i dont have to try too hard as a parent! lol @debra youd love this 🤣

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Franks outside my city? Time to buy more life insurance on my children, just in case they’re hungry 🤪

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Just cooked up some rat with horse skin gravy, plus some poop seeds for desert, bone atrophy 👨‍🍳

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So I was minding my own business, raiding Constantinople, and I find this really cool cup. I fill it at a 7/11 with slurpy and some guy starts screaming about a golden chalice? #notmyartifact

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Little Bartholomew slaughtered his first pagan today, couldn’t be more proud, he’s just like his old man. Happy 7th birthday Christ warrior!

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feeling ☹️ because our christian holy sites are being destroyed.

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you’re love is worth fighting in a crusade for💖

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yikes the enemies are coming! i guess it’s time to play hide and go seek now☹️ stay strong fellow jews!

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i am so sick of cannabinol bullies😪

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oh no here come the Franks 😰

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how dare they kill on the sabbath?! like at least wait until a weekday smh

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glad to be having my favorite thing for dinner... grilled children as an appetizer and boiled pagan adults as the main course!! 🤤🤤