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A video that is clear, appropriate, and fun :)

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What Makes A Good Friend? | Cherry Wallis

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A short piece of writing with practical advice.

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Practical, useful advice.

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Learning Peace - Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts

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Learning Peace brings the skills of peacemaking and conflict resolution to the home and the classroom: skills that can be used by parents, teachers and children alike. Learning Peace is the web site of Naomi Drew, the author of three books who has specialized in the field of conflict resolution and peacemaking for over 18 years.

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SOOOOO much useful information in this article!

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Key points

Essential friendship traits fall into three general categories, each representing a critical aspect of relational behavior.

Everyone brings a different level of the 13 essential traits to their relationships.

Trustworthiness is often the "make or break" element in any interpersonal relationship.

Some people have an easier time establishing and maintaining friendships than others. And some of us long for closer friendships or try to figure out why an existing or promising relationship fizzled out. In these cases, we may jump first to judge a friend's behavior, rather than our own. Perhaps we forget that relationships rely on mutual interactions. It is important, them, to examine our own contribution to the dynamics of a friendship. It is only our own behavior that we can change, and there are certain personal characteristics it's essential to cultivate to build healthy, lasting friendships.

The 13 Essential Friendship Traits

How much do you agree with each statement?

1. I am trustworthy.

2. I am honest with others.

3. I am generally very dependable.

4. I am loyal to the people I care about.

5. I am easily able to trust others.

6. I experience and express empathy for others.

7. I am able to be non-judgmental.

8. I am a good listener.

9. I am supportive of others in their good times.

10. I am supportive of others in their bad times.

11. I am self-confident.

12. I am usually able to see the humor in life.

13. I am fun to be around.

These traits fall into three general categories, each representing an essential aspect of relational behavior. If you find that you disagree with many of the statements, you may struggle to develop meaningful, lasting friendships.

Below is a description of how each trait influences relationships, organized by the realm of behavioral expectations in which it falls:

Traits of Integrity

These qualities, represented by the first five traits on the list above, are related to core values held by most cultures-trustworthiness, honesty, dependability, loyalty, and, as an interrelated quality, the ability to trust others.

Trustworthiness is often the "make or break" element in any interpersonal relationship. Any breach, regardless of perceived magnitude, can devastate a relationship. Trustworthiness is comprised of several components, including honesty, dependability, and loyalty, and while each is important to successful relationships, honesty and dependability have been identified as the most vital in the realm of friendships.

Honesty requires that we speak openly from the heart and incorporate objectivity into our words.

Being dependable means that friends can count on you to be there when you say you will, to do what you say you will, and to be willing to stand up for friends, especially when they can't stand up for themselves. If you are as likely to let friends down as come through for them, the relationship often becomes superficial, less engaging, and even resentment-provoking, if it doesn't end altogether.

Loyalty is valued early on in all of our relationships, from the time we make our first friendships. We need friends who won't spill our secrets to others, gossip about us, or allow others to criticize us.

Being able to trust another person involves being comfortable with vulnerability. If you have difficulty sharing your authentic self with a friend, it is doubtful your friend will be easily willing to do this for you.

Traits of Caring

These qualities, represented by the traits listed as numbers 6 to 10 above, include empathy, the ability to withhold judgment, effective listening skills, and the ability to offer supportin good times and bad. These traits require personal insight, self-discipline, and unconditional positive regard for our friends.

Empathy is the ability to understand what is going on with a friend, to recognize how he or she is feeling, and to interact and respond accordingly.

The ability to be non-judgmental reflects our ease in accepting a friend's choices, regardless of how they may differ from our own.

Good listening skills are essential to allow the communicating of intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This sharing is a gradual process of give-and-take that deepens over time.

Being supportive of others in their bad times is a defining quality of a good friend, but being supportive of others in their good times is also essential. The saying goes, "Everybody loves a winner," but for some of us, this just isn't so. If you have trouble celebrating another's good fortune and experience envy or even bitterness, this may limit the depth of your friendships.

Traits of Congeniality

This group, representing by the final three traits listed above, includes self-confidence, the ability to see the humor in life, and being fun to be around. This trio of traits has also been associated with overall well-being and happiness in life.

Self-confidence is an appealing characteristic in any friend, and may even be contagious. When we are in the company of self-confident individuals, we typically feel our own confidence rise.

People who are fun to be around are better company than friends who walk around with a dark cloud hanging over their heads. The former enjoy life, handle challenges in proactive ways, and keep negative experiences in perspective.

People who have the ability to see the humor in life help us deal with the curveballs (or spitballs) life tosses at us. We all benefit from friends who are able to keep us from taking life too seriously.

Before You Can Increase Your Friendship Quotient, You Must Admit That the Need Exists

Remember: Everyone brings a different level of the 13 traits to their relationships. However, the very best friends offer a generous helping of this baker's dozen. Take an honest look at your own behaviors and see if you need to raise your "friendship quotient" to raise the likelihood of maintaining the close connections you desire.

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Essential friendship traits fall into three general categories, each representing a critical aspect of relational behavior. Everyone brings a different level of the 13 essential traits to their relationships. Trustworthiness is often the "make or break" element in any interpersonal relationship. Some people have an easier time establishing and maintaining friendships than others.

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A video to make you think about the power of a bystander.

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Stand Against Bullying.  Don't Be a Bystander

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A simple, yet useful, list.

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Many schools (high schools, colleges and professional schools) as well as corporations and organizations offer ' leadership training' courses and seminars. At the same time, they have begun to call for 'bystander intervention.' Such intervention seems to require leadership skills, yet no-one offers training in 'bystander techniques.' So, here are a few concrete strategies that even those disinclined to get involved can employ:

1. Make eye contact with the victim. Shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes in the direction of the bully, arch your eyebrows, smile apologetically, shake your head and walk away. These are only a handful of the nuanced gestures of inclusion one can direct toward the victim. They go far toward negating the impression that 'everyone' is in silent solidarity with the bully.

2. Distract and /or redirect the attention of aggressors: "yeah, yeah, we know; now let's go and ....." This is a safe intervention because it neither challenges the aggressor nor appears to sympathize with the target.

3. Connect to other bystanders through body language, and support those looking to be proactive. Bystanders look for backing from those who are also watching the spectacle. Catch someone's gaze. Allow yours to be caught. Again, body language can gesture support, empowering one or another to act.

4. Avoid being a gossipmonger. Find out what happened, discuss any relevant aspects with peers, but don't be a gossipmonger, fanning speculation. The less you contribute to re-hashing the incident, the faster chatter will move on to other topics. Do your small part in minimizing its social significance, and/or its life-span, by refusing to pay it undue attention. Think of the small comfort it might offer a victim to be able to think not 'everybody' stopped to witness her or his public humiliation, or are chatting about it on social media.

5. If the victim has transgressed and been publicly shamed, yet her ridicule and exclusion is ongoing, say-or tweet--something like, 'Yeah but I feel bad for her, cause everybody is....' It is not threatening, and might curtail gossip or even turn the conversation in a sympathetic direction (even if the immediate response back is 'well I don't'). .

6. Make eye contact with the victim beyond the immediate spectacle of shaming -in the halls, in the cafeteria, on the bus. The Germans have an expression "wie Luft behandel." It literally means "to be looked at as though air." Failure to acknowledge a victim reinforces rejection.

7. Risk telling an aggressor to 'chill,' or to just 'walk away.' The incident is not worth getting so worked up over. This shifts the terms of the dynamic. Offering feedback to an aggressor has the potential to circumscribe abuse of the victim, while appearing to focus on the best interests of the bully.

8. Be prepared to be a pro-active witness. Film the interaction, or, in the case of cyberbullying, take screen shots. Either might be needed by victims.

9. Anonymously get word to a sympathetic teacher, supervisor or authority figure. Not only does it alert someone in a position to intervene, it spares victims the need to identify themselves as a loser who is incapable of handling a situation-something it may be beyond their capacity to do. (Handling it, to victims, usually means 'taking it.' However, as has been increasingly shown, social rejection leads to cognitive impairment, so that 'taking it'-remaining stoic in the face of ongoing social aggression--increasingly erodes a victim's ability to negotiate day-to-day demands.)

10. Turn laughter back on itself, defusing the situation. Young people do this every day, in hallways, in cafeterias, and on social media. "Yo-why you still bothering with this drama (laugh)?" or "Seriously? Dude, that's pathetic." Generated by the peer cohort, these checks tease the bully, suggesting that aggressive behavior might begin to reflect negatively on its perpetrator. Not everyone has a relationship with an aggressor that allows this banter. But someone does. Bystanders can back such nonthreatening remarks by nodding, by adding, "Yeah, it's time," or by simply dispersing.

BONUS POINTS: Do not become part of the ' bystander effect,' even if you know that someone else has already intervened (in a pro-active way). Authority figures are much more inclined-and able--to act if they hear about abuse from more than once source. Victims are much more able to negotiate their humiliation if more than one person offers a small gesture of kindness, even a surreptitious one. ( Practice using your voice by echoing the voice of others.)

DOUBLE BONUS POINTS: If you are brave enough to confront someone behaving aggressively, think to do so in the form of a question. (Otherwise, you risk being perceived as someone looking to shame and humiliate a perpetrator, raising the stakes of the encounter). Asking "why do you keep ragging on him?" or "look at her-haven't you said enough?" sidesteps a direct challenge, asking, instead, that they explain/justify their ongoing behavior. A request is much less threatening than a denouncement, yet sends the same message.

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Many schools (high schools, colleges and professional schools) as well as corporations and organizations offer ' leadership training' courses and seminars. At the same time, they have begun to call for 'bystander intervention.' Such intervention seems to require leadership skills, yet no-one offers training in 'bystander techniques.'

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Which of these things sometimes cause anxiety for you?

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It's common for kids of all ages to experience school-related stress. This is often most apparent at the end of summer when school is about to start again, but it can occur year-round. Where does the stress and anxiety come from? Social, academic, and scheduling factors play a major role, as do hidden environmental stressors.

Many kids experience some level of stress or anxiety in social situations they encounter in school. While some of these issues provide important opportunities for growth, they must be handled with care and can cause anxiety that must be dealt with.

A good experience with a caring teacher can cause a lasting impression on a child's life-so can a bad experience. While most teachers do their best to provide students with a positive educational experience, some students are better suited for certain teaching styles and classroom types than others. If there's a mismatch between student and teacher, a child can form lasting negative feelings about school or his own abilities.

While most students would say that friends are one of their favorite aspects of school, they can also be a source of stress. Concerns about not having enough friends, not being in the same class as friends, not being able to keep up with friends in one particular area or another, interpersonal conflicts, and peer pressure are a few of the very common ways kids can be stressed by their social lives at school. Dealing with these issues alone can cause anxiety in even the most secure kids.

Things have changed in the world of bullies. The good news is that the days of teachers looking the other way and parents leaving kids to deal with bullying on their own are mostly over. Many schools now have anti-bullying programs and policies. Though bullying does still happen at many schools, even those with these policies, help is generally more easily accessible than it was years ago.

The bad news is that bullying has gone high-tech. Many students use the Internet, cell phones, and other media devices to bully other students, and this type of bullying often gets very aggressive. One reason is that bullies can be anonymous and enlist other bullies to make their target miserable; another reason is that they don't have to face their targets, so it's easier to shed any empathy that they may otherwise feel. There are ways to combat "cyber-bullying," but many parents aren't aware of them-and many bullied kids feel too overwhelmed to deal with the situation.

Much has been said in the media lately about the over-scheduling of our kids, but the problem still continues. In an effort to give their kids an edge, or to provide the best possible developmental experiences, many parents are enrolling their kids in too many extra-curricular activities. As kids become teens, school extracurricular activities become much more demanding. College admissions standards are also becoming increasingly competitive, making it difficult for college-bound high school students to avoid overscheduling themselves.

Due in part to the busyness of kids' lives and the hectic schedules of most parents, the sit-down family dinner has become the exception rather than the rule in many households. While there are other ways to connect as a family, many families find that they're too busy to spend time together and have both the important discussions and the casual day recaps that can be so helpful for kids in dealing with the issues they face. Due to a lack of available family time, many parents aren't as connected to their kids, or knowledgeable about the issues they face, as they would like.

Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem that adults face. As schedules pack up with homework, extracurriculars, family time and (hopefully) some down time each day, kids often get less sleep than they need. Operating under a sleep deficit doesn't just mean sleepiness, it can also lead to poor cognitive functioning, lack of coordination, moodiness, and other negative effects. Consider helping your family adopt some habits for better sleep.

There's a lot of pressure for kids to learn more and more and at younger ages than in past generations. For example, while a few decades ago kindergarten was a time for learning letters, numbers, and basics, most kindergarteners today are expected to read. With test scores being heavily weighted and publicly known, schools and teachers are under great pressure to produce high test scores; that pressure can be passed on to kids.

Just as it can be stressful to handle a heavy and challenging workload, some children can experience stress from work that isn't difficult enough. They can respond by acting out or tuning out in class, which leads to poor performance, masks the root of the problem, and perpetuates the difficulties.

You may already know that there are different styles of learning-some learn better by listening, others retain information more efficiently if they see the information written out, and still, others prefer learning by doing. If there's a mismatch in learning style and classroom, or if your child has a learning disability (especially an undiscovered one), this can obviously lead to a stressful academic experience.

Kids are being assigned a heavier homework load than in past years, and that extra work can add to a busy schedule and take a toll.

Many of us experience test anxiety, regardless of whether or not we're prepared for exams. Unfortunately, some studies show that greater levels of test anxiety can actually hinder performance on exams. Reducing test anxiety can actually improve scores.

With the overabundance of convenience food available these days and the time constraints many experiences, the average child's diet has more sugar and less nutritious content that is recommended. This can lead to mood swings, lack of energy, and other negative effects that impact stress levels. Learn more about stress and nutrition and how to ensure your family gets proper nutrition even when you're busy.

Believe it or not, noise pollution from airports, heavy traffic, and other sources have been shown to cause stress that impacts kids' performance in school.

Not having necessary supplies can be a very stressful experience for a child, especially one who's very young. If a child doesn't have an adequate lunch, didn't bring her signed permission slip, or doesn't have a red shirt to wear on "Red Shirt Day," for example, she may experience significant stress. Younger kids may need help with these things.

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Why Do Children Get So Stressed With School?

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It's common for kids of all ages to experience school-related stress. This is often most apparent at the end of summer when school is about to start again, but it can occur year-round. Where does the stress and anxiety come from? Social, academic, and scheduling factors play a major role, as do hidden environmental stressors.

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Page down a bit to find the 12 ways.

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CLOSE

CHERRY HILL, N.J. - The first day of school is approaching and Melissa Langford knows some families are dreading its arrival. Not because warm summer days filled with swimming and barbecues are dwindling, but because school-related anxieties begin to surface - and she can empathize.

Langford's son, Tim, 15, and getting ready to enter ninth grade, has been struggling with his school fears since third grade.

"It is very difficult," says Langford, director of transitional educational services at First Children Services in Cherry Hill. "My husband and I would take Tim to elementary school kicking and screaming. It was like trying to pry a frog off the wall just to get him out of the house. And then once he got to school, he would start throwing up. I'd feel like a bad parent and I was only trying to do what was best for him."

More: These techniques can help you cope with your social anxiety at work events

More: For back to school, retailers look to cash in on eco-friendly products

Langford, who has two other children, Will, 26 and Austin, 21, says Tim's anxiety became so bad she home schooled him for a year. Tim, who is on the autism spectrum, began Transitions at First Children Services eight months ago, and Langford has seen a dramatic improvement. The program, says Langford, concentrates on giving children with school anxiety a school-like environment and helps them transition back to their local school.

"Tim is having more conversations with us, is making friends and is connecting with his teachers," says Langford. "He even brings up transitioning back to his local high school to me, so we are going to slowly begin that this school year."

Melissa Langford, the Director of Transitional Education Services at First Children Services in Cherry Hill, stands with her 15-year-old son Tim Langford, a student at First Children Services in Cherry Hill. 08.07.17 (Photo: Chris LaChall/Staff Photographer)

Alison Block, a psychologist in Oceanport, Monmouth County, who works with children coping with anxiety, says there are many reasons anxiety occurs and that it can happen at any age. She has heard fears about teachers, lockers, riding a bus, Mom remembering to pick them up after school, lunch time, who to play with at recess and many more.

Block says childhood anxiety has been increasing over the years due to many factors.

"Older kids on social media post happy pictures on Instagram or Facebook and making everything look perfect and wonderful in their lives," says Block. "Kids that don't have perfect lives think something is wrong with them. Kids don't have the same perception as adults."

Sports have become more competitive and less about fun for children, and academic pressure is starting at a younger age, too, says Block.

"I have middle schoolers tell me they are worried about getting into certain colleges," says Block.

Parents can help their children deal with their fears by listening to their kids concerns and acknowledging their feelings, says Block. By asking open-ended questions and having meaningful conversations, parents may be able to find the root of their children's worries. If a parent feels they are not helping their child or the anxiety worsens, seek out a professional.

"School refusal is a big, red flag that a child may need to talk to a professional," says Block. "Other signs include withdrawing from friends, grade changes and sleep patterns."

Headaches, stomach aches and nausea also can be signs that a child is suffering from school-related anxiety, says Dr. David Rosenberg, pediatrician and founder of Pediatric Associates in Vineland. He has been practicing in Vineland for 55 years.

Matt Miles, 17, of West Deptford (left) sits with teacher Jay Cohen at First Children Services in Cherry Hill. The program helps students learn tools to cope with school anxiety. (Photo: Chris LaChall/Staff Photographer)

"Transitions are hard for children and adults," says Rosenberg. "Going from grade school to middle school to high school is a big deal. It's a bigger school, harder classes and new people. It's very hard to make these changes."

Rosenberg says encouraging activities and hobbies, whether it be dance, drum lessons, gymnastics, swimming, etc., can be beneficial when it comes to reducing a child's worry because activities instill confidence, make kids feel good about themselves and help them to relax.

Most important, parents need to stay positive about school and talk to their children.

"Tell kids they are going to learn to draw and write, sing songs and have play dates if they go to school," he says. "Help them see the reality that school brings, which is growing from a happy child to a happy and successful adult."

Experts share 12 ways parents can help alleviate their child's school worries:

* Make transitions early. "Expose kids early to changes so they can adapt better during transitions," says Rosenberg. "It's much easier for children who have been making gradual changes at young ages to go to school. Preschool is a good way to initiate change and gets children used to school. If they are going directly to kindergarten, parents can frequently talk about school and have the kids meet the teacher prior to the first day."

* Have a discussion. "Parents often try to reassure their children, but sometimes these reassurances sound empty," says Block. "Saying 'it's going to be fine' isn't going to help a nervous child. When they begin to worry, use it as an opportunity to have more dialogue and find out what is making them anxious. The more information you have the better job you can do to make a child more comfortable with school."

* Involve children in activities. Langford says parents can help reduce school stress by getting their children involved with activities or events prior to school. These activities, such as sports, music lessons or clubs, will help them build confidence and make friends. "It's much easier to walk into school on the first day with someone by your side then walking in alone," she says. "It takes some of the pressure off."

* Stay positive. "Parents need to be positive," says Rosenberg. "Emphasize the positives of school. Let kids know how much fun school will be and all the new friends they will meet. If a child has an older sibling in school, have the sibling talk to the child about recess and all the fun that is had during the school day. If parents express fear or anxiety their children will pick up on this and become afraid and nervous."

* Get enough sleep. Block says parents can help calm their children by encouraging kids to get plenty of sleep and getting them back on a school schedule well before the start of school. "Going back to school is a transition time, and transitions are when we see anxiety in children," she says. "They are going from unstructured summer time to a very structured school time. Starting to get kids back in the school routine early helps reduce anxiety."

* Visit the school. "Take the kids to visit the school in the summer," says Langford. "Drive around the parking lot, walk through the halls, test out the lockers. This trip will remove many of the 'I don't know what to expect' fears a student may have."

* Limit video games. Rosenberg says video games should be a reward, not a regular part of life. "If children just sit around and play video games the first five years of life, why would they want to go to school?" he says. "Video games impacts children's ability to communicate because they are not outside riding bikes with their friends and socializing. Video games also desensitize kids to violence and have a profound impact on school refusal and increased fear."

* Pack mementos. "Put a picture of Mom and Dad in a child's notebook or pack your kids a note in their lunch boxes," says Block. "These things help children feel more comfortable at school. Especially for those coping with separation anxiety."

* Talk to the school guidance counselor. Meet with the school guidance counselor, says Langford. This visit will make parents and kids more relaxed about school. "Keep the child's anxiety in the open with the school guidance counselor," she says. "It makes the situation easier for the child and the counselor will know to check in on the student more often."

* Make them go to school. If a child does start crying and refusing school, it is important to insist he or she still go, says Rosenberg. "Don't give in and keep kids home because it is encouraging them to skip school. Remind them they need to go to school so they can make a life for themselves when they are older. Tell kids you love them and want them to be happy adults."

* Share the game plan. Block says it is vital for parents to discuss the daily plans with their children so everyone is informed and knows what to expect. "Let them be aware of everything, including who will be at the bus stop or who will be picking them up at school," she says. "This is especially important for parents who carpool."

* Seek help. If a child's anxiety is continuing to grow or parents feel they can not help their child resolve fears it is time to meet with the pediatrician, says Rosenberg. A pediatrician can consult with the family and decide if a therapist can help further help the child.

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12 ways to help kids cope with school anxiety

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CLOSE CHERRY HILL, N.J. - The first day of school is approaching and Melissa Langford knows some families are dreading its arrival. Not because warm summer days filled with swimming and barbecues are dwindling, but because school-related anxieties begin to surface - and she can empathize.