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Choir was like an unpolished home. I would return every day to express the pitfalls of my day and the song would soak up all the sweat and hardship. Yet the walls were crumbling, I was fearful of hearing myself sing. I was always second guessing my worth. I was a timid voice that had no background, no substance, but the song let me in. It gave me my voice, regardless of it's timidness. And I've loved that song and it's home ever since.

My first audition was no accomplishment. I cried the whole time, heaving each verse. I got no call-back. No reason to continue, and I didn't. I quit the choir going into my freshman year of high school, a full year of silence.

So, how does a forgotten 10 year old girl end up at Mount Allison University, let alone the Music Department?

That's a good fucking question.

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I guess you can say music, was solely for expression, then. Friends weren't in the picture and I found myself in some dense situations. Ones with boys that left me feeling violated.

The school hosted a talent show that year, which was rare considering that no one ever signed up. But there were 15 acts. Plus one...me. I was going to sing Amazing For A Minute. I had each moment planned exactly how I wanted, I would look him in the eye,  the one that had convinced the whole school I was at fault, but when I got to the stage, I froze.

Writing was easier, it always will be.

Needless to say there was no crying this time, but there was when my head hit the pillow.

I still think about that boy, and what I'd give to sing that song to him.

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Amazing For A Minute - Katy McAllister (+lyrics)

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I think everyone has a My Chemical Romance phase, thanks.

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I think everyone has a My Chemical Romance phase, thanks.

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For a while I hated everything. Myself. School. My Family. My friends. I wasn't satisfied, even the music on the radio irritated me.

I put on a face everywhere I went, I only ever felt myself in my writing. There I harvested the most influential stories. Happy endings. I was no believer in my happy ending. I was convinced I wouldn't live past 18. My music mirrored the hopelessness and despair.

I turned to music that wasn't decorative. Wasn't nice to listen to, metal, screaming. That's all that ever occurred in my head anyway. It was constant conflict and angst. There was no resolution, eventually I started to hate music too, and my world fell silent.

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My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise) [Official Music Video - 4K Film Restored]

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I never understood how music could be so universal. When I first heard  people talk about X I had no idea who they were referring to or why he mattered. Why was it important to discuss a new album, where did the excitement come from? I am still that skeptical girl, walking into an unknown, but at least now I understand that music can make relationships stronger.

This was the period of my life where I started associating songs with people. Jocelyn Flores will always be associated with my friend Haktan Ceylan, a song that got us both through hard times.
Though, Dani Lewis was the one that got me to love music again. She'd sit at a piano and I would stare at her from a distance humming along.

One day she asked me to sing for her, and I did.
"All I am is a man, I want the world in my hands..."
When her voice nestled into my mine, it was like the whole world stopped for a second just to hear our song.
Whenever I sing sweater weather it will always be dedicated to you, Dani Lewis. I'm no longer friends with Dani, but the love in that song will always be there.

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Dani moved away, but before doing so, she convinced me to join the choir. I say convinced, but it was utter manipulation. On our many adventures she managed to produce a video of me singing Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez, in which before her departure she showed to Claire Simard, my music teacher back at home. With Claire's persistence, I agreed, I would join the choir with Dani. Key word with. I would join the choir with Dani.

She never told me she was leaving, I arrived on the first day of school looking for her bright face,  reassuring myself she'd be in choir. She wasn't...she was gone. I was angry. I felt betrayed like I was stuck in this room filled with song. The room of a home I hadn't visited since I was 10 years old.

It was uncomfortable, yet familiar. A week passed by and my anger resided. Dani gave me pain, but also did me a service and I can't thank her enough. Joining the choir and meeting Claire Simard was just the start of a force field shutting down, allowing me to step out of the rigid boundaries I set for myself and enjoy chance in its mysterious ways.

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The worst thing you will ever watch (I never said the choir was good)

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The worst thing you will ever watch (I never said the choir was good)

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I'm in the third row, last one on the right. You're welcome.

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Upper School Holiday Concert - Madrigals

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I never knew there was a world of musical theater. It was my dad that introduced to me to living art. My first show was wicked. It was uncomfortable just him and me on the streets of New York, but once we set foot into the theater our language found something in common.

Ever since then we'd go see shows together every couple of months. Lion King, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, School of Rock, Wicked a second time, Hatestown, Jagged Little Pill, What the Constitution Means to Me, How To Kill a Mockingbird, Rent, Spring Awakening, and more.

Jealousy is an evil thing.
Yes, my dad and I could connect in the theater, but there wasn't much else to our relationship. He was emotionally unavailable and it was extremely frustrating since that's all I ever did as a teenager is feel. I felt things all the time. So, when my dad started to fancy my sister's time, my sister's interests, my sister's world, I fell silent, quietly resenting him. I found myself singing Super-boy and The Invisible Girl at night, hoping he'd here me and finally understand, but all he ever said was, "Go to bed."

It separated me and my sister for years, she was the Gabe to my Natalie. She was the almighty, perfect child, and I was the screw up.

It wasn't until I sang him Maybe (Next to Normal) that he understood what I needed and what he truly wanted. He isn't perfect, but neither am I. Musicals have made me better at expressing what I feel. A song can explain any situation, regardless of context.

The collection of songs in Next To Normal I will hold dear, as they have allowed me to be vulnerable when I need to be.

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'Next to Normal' -  2009 Tony Awards Performance - 'You Don't Know' & 'I am the One'

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Claire Simard has to be the most magical being to have ever existed, taking a timid girl that has no experience in music to become the lead in her first musical.

I still can't believe it, really, how could I have been casted as Olive? How could I have performed in front of all those people...my audition. My second audition, I didn't cry, I was shaking, sweating, stumbling and yet, I still got the part. They took a chance on me. And as time progressed, each scene being plotted and practiced, the theater became my safe haven, and there was no one that could make me feel inadequate being onstage. Not with my cast by my side.

I learned how musicals need people, they are specific. Each part is a puzzle piece, without a piece the audience wouldn't be able to see the whole picture. It is this that made me get up on stage and perform, happily.

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Follow the adventures of six young, highly competitive word lovers, along with four pre-selected audience members who will agree to try their hands at the bee. No two shows will be the same, but you are guaranteed laughs no matter who is spelling.

Wooster School theater department proudly presents " The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee," with music and lyrics by William Finn, book by Rachel Sheinkin, conceived by Rebecca Feldman, with additional material by Jay Reiss.

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the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee

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The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

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Follow the adventures of six young, highly competitive word lovers, along with four pre-selected audience members who will agree to try their hands at the bee. No two shows will be the same, but you are guaranteed laughs no matter who is spelling.

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Here's something Claire and a friend of mine threw together and sang at a local church.

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The Secret Garden - my covid rendition of Hold On

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The Secret Garden - my covid rendition of Hold On

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Way to throw me into the deep end Claire...this musical tested not only my range but my willingness to work hard. I loved this musical, it's simplistic nature and it's beautiful music. My favorite song, though, I never got to sing. My family went through a really hard time in the first couple of weeks in lock down. This video was dedicated to my brother.

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In my visit to Mount Allison there was no plan to visit the music department. I mean why would I? I was going to study english and psychology, my music career was over.

By accident I stumbled into the conservatory of music and was politely greeted by Dr. St. Pierre. She sat with me for an hour discussing the music program, but the very bottom line was that I felt I didn't belong in this environment with such little experience. And then the most terrifying thing happened. She made me sing, on the spot, no warm up.

Bottom line is I am good enough to be here! And I'm willing to work hard.

That day I put in my deposit, I was going to Mount Allison University to study music.

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You ever like audition for something...for fun?

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You ever like audition for something...for fun?

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Although the sound of music was unable to go on this season. I will be auditioning again for this coming summer.

Where did this confidence come from???!

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I'm glad I'm here, I really am. I love this place, this community. And I'm extremely grateful to the people who have influenced me and encouraged me to pursue a bachelor of music, regardless of its context in a work environment.