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im a fat coon

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paris is gay

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VIGNESH DONT HAVE THAT

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	The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)The web's largestmovie script resource!Search IMSDb Alphabetical#	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	HI	J	K	L	M	N	O	P	QR	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	ZGenreAction	Adventure	AnimationComedy	Crime	DramaFamily	Fantasy	Film-NoirHorror	Musical	MysteryRomance	Sci-Fi	ShortThriller	War	WesternSponsorTV TranscriptsFuturamaSeinfeldSouth ParkStargate SG-1LostThe 4400InternationalFrench scriptsMovie SoftwareDVD ripper software offerRip from DVDRip Blu-RayLatest CommentsStar Wars: Revenge of the Sith	10/10Star Wars: The Force Awakens	10/10Batman Begins	9/10Collateral	10/10Jackie Brown	8/10Movie ChatNameMessage	Yell !ALL SCRIPTS                                          SHREK                                       Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                          princess. But she had an enchantment                          upon her of a fearful sort which could                          only be broken by love's first kiss.                          She was locked away in a castle guarded                          by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                          Many brave knights had attempted to                          free her from this dreadful prison,                          but non prevailed. She waited in the                          dragon's keep in the highest room of                          the tallest tower for her true love                          and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                          Like that's ever gonna happen. What                          a load of - (toilet flush)                Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his                day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go                after the ogre.                NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                          thing can do to you?                                      MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                          bread.                Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                          giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                          They'll make a suit from your freshly                          peeled skin.                                      MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                          jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                          quite good on toast.                                      MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                          (waves the torch at Shrek.)                Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The                men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long                and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the                men are in the dark.                                      SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                          (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                          And stay out! (looks down and picks                          up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                          Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                          throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                         THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard                sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures                to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line                are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto                who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three                little pigs.                                      GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                          away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                               HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                          Your flying days are over. (breaks the                          broom in half)                                      HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                          Next!                                      GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                          be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                          Give me another chance!                                      OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                          nose grows)                                      HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                          Take it away.                                      PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                          Help me!                Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up                to the table.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                          if you can prove it.                                      OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                          nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                          Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                      HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                               OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                          to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                          talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                          you ever saw.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One                of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's                hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled                with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                      DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                          a flying, talking donkey. You might                          have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                          but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                          fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                          to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                          to the ground.)                He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                          After him!                                      GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                          Turn!                Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.                Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared                for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He                quickly hides behind Shrek.                                      HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                          to place you both under arrest and transport                          you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                               SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well                and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail                and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and                begins walking back to his cottage.                                      DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                          you was really, really, really somethin'                          back here. Incredible!                                      SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                          and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                          around and Donkey is right in front                          of him.) Whoa!                                      DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                          you that you that you was great back                          here? Those guards! They thought they                          was all of that. Then you showed up,                          and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                          like babes in the woods. That really                          made me feel good to see that.                                      SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                          freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                               DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                          I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                          wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                          stick with you. You're mean, green,                          fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                          the spit out of anybody that crosses                          us.                Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very                loudly.                                      DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                          don't mind me sayin', if that don't                          work, your breath certainly will get                          the job done, 'cause you definitely                          need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                          you breath stinks! You almost burned                          the hair outta my nose, just like the                          time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                          continues to talk, so Shrek removes                          his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                          berries. I had strong gases leaking                          out of my butt that day.                                      SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                          I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                          me, My problems have all gone, There's                          no one to deride me, But you gotta have                          faith...                                      SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                          have any friends.                                      DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                          cruelly honest.                                      SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                          me. What am I?                                      DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                          tall?                                      SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                          torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                          bother you?                                      DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                          you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                          thing. I like that. I respect that,                          Shrek. You all right. (They come over                          a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                          Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                          in place like that?                                      SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                          You know you are quite a decorator.                          It's amazing what you've done with such                          a modest budget. I like that boulder.                          That is a nice boulder. I guess you                          don't entertain much, do you?                                      SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                          we have in common. Like I hate it when                          you got somebody in your face. You've                          trying to give them a hint, and they                          won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                          (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                               SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                          You don't know what it's like to be                          considered a freak. (pause while he                          looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                          But that's why we gotta stick together.                          You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                               SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                               SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                          a chair.) No! No!                                      DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                          late, swappin' manly stories, and in                          the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                      SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                          I don't know you, and you don't know                          me, so I guess outside is best, you                          know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                          slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                          like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                          born outside. I'll just be sitting by                          myself outside, I guess, you know. By                          myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                          no one here beside me...                SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights                a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a                noise. He stands up with a huff.                                      SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                          stay outside.                                      DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that                made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns                and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                      BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                          farm, but what choice do we have?                                                               BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                               GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                               SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                          and lands on his shoulder.)                                      GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                          ear)                                      SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                          you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                          from behind and he drops the mice.)                          Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                          with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                          no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                               DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                          bed's taken.                                      SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.                The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at                him.                                      BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging                him to the front door.                                      SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                          a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                          do get a little privacy? (He opens the                          front door to throw the Wolf out and                          he sees that all the collected Fairy                          Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                          no. No! No!                The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his                pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing                flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                     SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                          echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                         Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a                tent.                                      SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                          move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                          Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                          dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                          No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                          shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                          look at Donkey)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                          them.                                      PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                          and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                               SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                          this Farquaad guy is?                Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                          him? Anyone at all?                                      DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                          Me, me!                                      SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                          tale things. Do not get comfortable.                          Your welcome is officially worn out.                          In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                          right now and get you all off my land                          and back where you came from! (Pause.                          Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                          You! You're comin' with me.                                      DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                          man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                          friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                          adventure. I love it!                                      DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                          with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                          on the road again.                                      SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually                dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                      FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                         The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down                onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the                table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes                up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                     FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                          and plays with them) Run, run, run,                          as fast as you can. You can't catch                          me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                          and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                          poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                          me! Where are the others?                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                          eye.)                                      FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                          Now my patience has reached its end!                          Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                          pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                               GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                          buttons.                                      FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                               GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                          muffin man?                                      FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                          on Drury Lane?                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                               FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                          it in.                More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.                They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic                Mirror.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                          him up and dumps him into a trash can                          with a lid.) No!                                      FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                          Is this not the most perfect kingdom                          of them all?                                      MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                               FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                          hand mirror and smashes it with his                          fist.) You were saying?                                      MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                          But you can become one. All you have                          to do is marry a princess.                                      FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                          and relax, my lord, because it's time                          for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                          And here they are! Bachelorette number                          one is a mentally abused shut-in from                          a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                          and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                          include cooking and cleaning for her                          two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                          (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                          number two is a cape-wearing girl from                          the land of fancy. Although she lives                          with seven other men, she's not easy.                          Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                          find out what a live wire she is. Come                          on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                          picture of Snow White) And last, but                          certainly not last, bachelorette number                          three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                          castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                          But don't let that cool you off. She's                          a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                          and getting caught in the rain. Yours                          for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                          picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                          be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                          number two or bachelorette number three?                                                               GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                               FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                          three, my lord!                                      FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                          Fiona.                                      FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                          have to do is just find someone who                          can go...                                      MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                          thing that happens at night.                                      FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                          my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                          the perfect king! Captain, assemble                          your finest men. We're going to have                          a tournament. (smiles evilly)                DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking                lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                      DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                          That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                               SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                               DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                          for something? (He laughs, but then                          groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                          He continues walking through the parking                          lot.)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                               SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                          a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                          screams and begins running through the                          rows of rope to get to the front gate                          to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                          Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                          - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                          walking straight through the rows. The                          attendant runs into a wall and falls                          down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                          continue on into DuLoc.)                DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                               DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box                marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors                open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin                to sing.                                      WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                         Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                          to run over and pull the lever again)                                                               SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                          No. No. No, no, no! No.                They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                          brightest in all the land. Today one                          of you shall prove himself...                As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena                Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                      SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                          for a smacked bottom.                                      DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                          - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                          and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                          from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                          for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                          the first runner-up will take his place                          and so on and so forth. Some of you                          may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                          to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                          begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                          that? It's hideous!                                      SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                          at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                          It's just a donkey.                                      FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                          kills the ogre will be named champion!                          Have it him!                                      MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                          into a table where there are mugs of                          beer)                                      CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                          settle this over a pint?                                      CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                          Come on!                He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel                of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the                other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides                past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.                As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger                beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.                Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much                fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice                to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                      DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek                gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                      SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time                and sees him.                                      WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men                are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding                sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                          very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                          the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)                The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on                Shrek.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                          DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                      SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                          honor of embarking on a great and noble                          quest.                                      SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                          to get my swamp back.                                      FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                          fairy tale creatures!                                      FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                          a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                          I'll give you your swamp back.                                      SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                               SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field                heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                      DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                          go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                          just so Farquaad will give you back                          a swamp which you only don't have because                          he filled it full of freaks in the first                          place. Is that about right?                                      SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                          donkeys shouldn't talk.                                      DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                          some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                          him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                          his bones to make your bread, the whole                          ogre trip.                                      SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                          decapitated an entire village and put                          their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                          cut open their spleen and drink their                          fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                               DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                          more to ogres than people think.                                      DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                          (he holds out his onion)                                      DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                          all brown, start sproutin' little white                          hairs.                                      SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                          have layers! Onions have layers. You                          get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                          a sigh and then walks off)                                      DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                          have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                          not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                          loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                      SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                          Ogres are not like cakes.                                      DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                          Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                          you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                          say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                          Parfaits are delicious.                                      SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                          beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                          And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                               DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                          on the whole damn planet.                                      SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                               DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                          making a mess. Just the word parfait                          make me start slobbering.                They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through                a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying                to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,                so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.                DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to                house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                          You gotta warn somebody before you just                          crack one off. My mouth was open and                          everything.                                      SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                          be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                          must be getting close.                                      DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                          about it's the brimstone. I know what                          I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                          didn't come off no stone neither.                                         They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There                is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where                the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very                foreboding.                                      SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                          location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                          into a groan)                                      DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                          ogres have layers?                                      SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                          make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                          wear our fear right out there on our                          sleeves.                                      SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                               DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                               DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                          about being on a rickety bridge over                          a boiling like of lava!                                      SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                          ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                          just tackle this thing together one                          little baby step at a time.                                      DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                               SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                               DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                          Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                          look down. (he steps through a rotting                          board and ends up looking straight down                          into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                          Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                          off, please!                                      SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                          You go back.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                          then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                          bridge)                                      DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                          the bridge again)                                      DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                          bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                          the bridge)                                      DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                          I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                          Oh!                                      SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                          towards the castle)                                      DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                          pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                      SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                          (chuckles)                                      DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                         INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                          and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                          with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                          response to an unfamiliar situation.                          Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                          add. With a dragon that breathes fire                          and eats knights and breathes fire,                          it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                          if you're a little scared. I sure as                          heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                               SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                          Now go over there and see if you can                          find any stairs.                                      DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                          the princess.                                      SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                          be up the stairs in the highest room                          in the tallest tower.                                      DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                               SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                               DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                          the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                          I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                          won't know which way they're goin'.                          (walks off)                EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                          to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                          the stair master. I've mastered the                          stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                          I'd step all over it.                ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                          is, but where's the...                                      DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.                Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon                breathes fire.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                          a hold of the dragons tail and holds                          on) Got ya!                The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek                goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the                tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying                on the floor.                                      DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small                part of the bridge he's on.                                      DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                          what large teeth you have. (the dragon                          growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                          I know you probably hear this all time                          from your food, but you must bleach,                          'cause that is one dazzling smile you                          got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                          freshness? And you know what else? You're                          - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                          I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                          You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                          (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                          at him) What's the matter with you?                          You got something in your eye? Ohh.                          Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                          but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                          blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                          heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                          an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                          work out if you're gonna blow smoke                          rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                          up with her teeth and carries him off)                          No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona                so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She                then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off                the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.                Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for                a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders                and shakes her away.                                      FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                          rescue me.                                      SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                          first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                          romantic moment?                                      SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                               FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                          sweep me off my feet out yonder window                          and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                               SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                          haven't you?                                      FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down                the hallway.                                      FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                          could recite an epic poem for me. A                          ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                               SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                               SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                          out a handkerchief) I pray that you                          take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                               SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                               SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                          (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                          him.)                                      FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                          to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                          That's what all the other knights did.                                                               SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                               FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                          stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                          ignores her and heads for a wooden door                          off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                          going? The exit's over there.                                      SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                          the throne room)                                      DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                          I believe it's healthy to get to know                          someone over a long period of time.                          Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                          worriedly) (we see him up close and                          from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                          the room) I don't want to rush into                          a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                          ready for a commitment of, uh, this                          - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                          looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                          is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                          are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                          back up a little and take this one step                          at a time. We really should get to know                          each other first as friends or pen pals.                          I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                          receiving cards - - I'd really love                          to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                          my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                          gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                          - - What are you gonna do with that?                          Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                          No, no, no. No! Oh!                Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings                toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks                up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.                He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps                Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.                Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and                roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto                her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms                a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey                take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and                then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                      DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                          the trick.                They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots                a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a                crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His                eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles                off and walks lightly.                                      SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                     SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                          take care of the dragon.                Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the                castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping                chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that                is still around the dragons neck.                                      SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot                pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons                breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on                for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They                are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look                in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to                get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the                dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs                quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a                sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                      FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                          did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                          (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                          You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                          (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                          hill and bump into Donkey) a little                          unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                          is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                          eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                          his throat.) And where would a brave                          knight be without his noble steed?                                                               DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                          a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                               FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                          helmet, good Sir Knight.                                      SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                          of my rescuer.                                      SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                          job description.                                      DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                          how it goes. A princess locked in a                          tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                          by a brave knight, and then they share                          true love's first kiss.                                      DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                          Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                          love?                                      FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                               FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                          Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                          Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                      SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                          good idea.                                      FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                          (takes off his helmet)                                      FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                               FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                          all wrong. You're not supposed to be                          an ogre.                                      SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                          Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                          wants to marry you.                                      FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                               SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                          when we get there.                                      FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                          love, not by some ogre and his- - his                          pet.                                      DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                               FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                          You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                          wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                          waiting for him right here.                                      SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                          right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                          (he swiftly picks her up and swings                          her over his shoulder like she was a                          sack of potatoes)                                      FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                          consequences! This is not dignified!                          Put me down!                WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just                hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                      DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                          there's a woman that digs you, right,                          but you don't really like her that way.                          How do you let her down real easy so                          her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                          get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                      FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                          love. Everyone knows what happens when                          you find your...(Shrek drops her on                          the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                          DuLoc the better.                                      DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                          It's beautiful!                                      FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                          What's he like?                                      SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                          of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                          (he and Donkey laugh)                Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off                the dust and grime.                                      DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                          little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                          Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                          just jealous you can never measure up                          to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                               SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                          But I'll let you do the "measuring"                          when you see him tomorrow.                                      FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                          It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                          to make camp?                                      SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                          going.                                      FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                          to sound good.                                      SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                          we're going to see in this forest.                                                               FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                         Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                               MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves                a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                      SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                          don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                               FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                          a few homey touches.                                      SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                          a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                          who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                               FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                          good night. (goes into the cave and                          puts the bark door up behind her)                                                               DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                          I will.                                      FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the                boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona                still inside.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                          come on. I was just kidding.                LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring                up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations                to Donkey.                                      SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                          the only ogre to ever spit over three                          wheat fields.                                      DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                          from these stars?                                      SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                          They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                          the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                          famous for.                                      DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                          group of hunters running away from his                          stench.                                      DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                          dots.                                      SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                          more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                               DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                          we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                               SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                          the princess.                                      SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                          no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                          The first thing I'm gonna do is build                          a ten-foot wall around my land.                                      DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                          deep just now. You know what I think?                          I think this whole wall thing is just                          a way to keep somebody out.                                      SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                          things, isn't it?                                      SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                          leave-it alone things.                                      DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                               SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                          (grins)                At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to                the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                      SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                          walks over to the edge of the cliff                          and sits down)                                      DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                          the whole world anyway?                                      SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                          okay? It's the world that seems to have                          a problem with me. People take one look                          at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                          stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                          they even know me. That's why I'm better                          off alone.                                      DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                          think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                          ogre.                                      SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                               SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                          and Annoying.                                      DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                          one, right there. That one there?                                         Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays                in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic                Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                      FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                          show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                               MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                     FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up                to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly                at her image in the mirror.                MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey                who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes                across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along                with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles                to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too                big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but                she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona                is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still                sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking                in his sleep.                                      DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                          it like that. Come on, baby. I said                          I like it.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                          eggs?                                      DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                          start yesterday. I wanted to make it                          up to you. I mean, after all, you did                          rescue me.                                      SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                          of us. (walks off)                LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the                forest. Shrek belches.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                          than in, I always say. (laughs)                                      DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                          of a princess.                Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                          what I expected.                                      FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                          before you get to know them.                She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly                from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into                a tree.                                      ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                               ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                          And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                          up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                          disgust)...beast.                                      SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                          own!                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                          little busy here?                                      FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                          know who you think you are!                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                          let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                          (laughs)                Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out                from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                      MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                          needy.                                      MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                          damsels, man, I'm good.                                      MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                          and a saucy little maid...                                      MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                          to get...                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                          grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                               MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                          me awfully mad.                                      MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                               ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                          your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                          'cause I'm about to start...                There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and                knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                      FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                          Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                         The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to                get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and                then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is                a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in                mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,                and Fiona begins walking away.                                      FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                          walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                          whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                          from?                                      FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                          Where did you learn that?                                      FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                          uh, one has to learn these things in                          case there's a...(gasps and points)                          there's an arrow in your butt!                                      SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                          look at that? (he goes to pull it out                          but flinches because it's tender)                                                               FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                          sorry.                                      DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                          Shrek's gonna die.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                          too young for you to die. Keep you legs                          elevated. Turn your head and cough.                          Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                      FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                          Shrek, run into the woods and find me                          a blue flower with red thorns.                                      DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                          it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                          Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                          away from the light!                                      SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                          (runs off)                                      SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                          of Donkey.                                      SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                          thing out. (gives the arrow a little                          pull)                                      SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                          yankin'.                As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and                Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                      FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                               SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                          help.                                      FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                          hand over her face to stop her from                          getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                          you propose we do?                ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                          red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                          This would be so much easier if I wasn't                          color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                               SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                          flower off a nearby bush that just happens                          to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                         THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                          (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                          about...                                      SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                          over with Fiona on top of him)                                      DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                          happend. We were just, uh - -                                      DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                          you had to do was ask. Okay?                                      SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                          my mind. The princess here was just-                          - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                          turns to look at Fiona who holds up                          the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                      DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                          That's...is that blood?                Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue                on their way.                There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.                Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a                small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as                Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back                into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting                and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb                that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it                around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins                eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.                Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting                it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning                it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group                arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.                WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                          you.                                      FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                          Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                          which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                          steps on his hoof) Ow!                                      SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                          on.                                      FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                          about Donkey.                                      SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                          so good.                                      DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                               FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                          what they always say, and then next                          thing you know, you're on your back.                          (pause) Dead.                                      SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                          Do you want to sit down?                                      FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                               DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                          got this twinge in my neck, and when                          I turn my head like this, look, (turns                          his neck in a very sharp way until his                          head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                               SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                               FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                          feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                          I don't have any toes! I think I need                          a hug.                SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while                Fiona eats.                                      FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                          What is this?                                      SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                               SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                          I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                          weed rat stew. (chuckles)                Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                          tomorrow night.                                      SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                          sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                          for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                          - - you name it.                                      FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                          Are you gonna eat that?                                      DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                          Just look at that sunset.                                      FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                          late. I-It's very late.                                      SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                          here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                          you?                                      FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                          You know, I'd better go inside.                                      DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                          be afraid of the dark, too, until -                          - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                          the dark.                Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks                at Shrek with a new eye.                                      DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                          here.                                      SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                          an animal, and I got instincts. And                          I know you two were diggin' on each                          other. I could feel it.                                      SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                          back to Farquaad.                                      DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                          the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                          her how you feel.                                      SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                          even if I did tell her that, well, you                          know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                          I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                          - -                                      DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already                is.                TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is                nowhere to be seen.                                      DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                          where are you? Princess?                Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                     DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                          no games.                Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't                look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking                out.                                      DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                               FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                          her stomach) Can you hear me?                                      FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                          keep breathing! I'll get you out of                          there!                                      FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets                down.                                      DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                          uh, uh, uh, different.                                      FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                          'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                          bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                          Now - -                                      FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                          as I can remember.                                      DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                          seen you like this before.                                      FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                          "By night one way, by day another. This                          shall be the norm... until you find                          true love's first kiss... and then take                          love's true form."                                      DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                          you wrote poetry.                                      FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                          girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                          night I become this. This horrible,                          ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                          to await the day my true love would                          rescue me. That's why I have to marry                          Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                          sets and he sees me like this. (begins                          to cry)                                      DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                          it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                          Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                          But you only look like this at night.                          Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                      FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                          is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                               DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                          Farquaad?                                      FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                          can break the spell.                                      DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                          orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                          lot in common.                                      FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his                hand.                                      SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                          it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                          for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                          and thought of you because it's pretty                          and - - well, I don't really like it,                          but I thought you might like it 'cause                          you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                          I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                          Okay, here we go.                He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey                and Fiona talking.                                      FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                          Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                          really, who can ever love a beast so                          hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                          don't go together. That's why I can't                          stay here with Shrek.                Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                          ever after is to marry my true love.                                         Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks                away.                INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                          it has to be. It's the only way to break                          the spell.                                      DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                               FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                          must ever know.                                      DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                          if you gotta keep secrets?                                      FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                          But you should. (goes outside) I just                          know before this is over, I'm gonna                          need a whole lot of serious therapy.                          Look at my eye twitchin'.                Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks                down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back                inside the windmill.                MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still                awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                      FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                          I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                          runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                          Shrek, there's something I want...(she                          looks and sees the rising sun, and as                          the sun crests the sky she turns back                          into a human.)                Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards                her.                                      FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                          I have to tell you.                                      SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                          Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                               FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                          could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                               FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                          you.                                      SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                          him in shock. He looks past her and                          spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                          on time. Princess, I've brought you                          a little something.                Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal                sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only                like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers                march by.                                      DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                          the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                          Couldn't have been the donkey.                                      FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                          of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                          out, as agreed. Take it and go before                          I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                          Forgive me, Princess, for startling                          you, but you startled me, for I have                          never seen such a radiant beauty before.                          I'm Lord Farquaad.                                      FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                          snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                          for I was just saying a short... (Watches                          as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                          and set down in front of her. He comes                          to her waist.) farewell.                                      FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                          to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                          not like it has feelings.                                      FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                          Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                          Will you be the perfect bride for the                          perfect groom?                                      FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                          make - -                                      FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                          the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                      FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                          married today before the sun sets.                                                               FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                          The sooner, the better. There's so much                          to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                          the band, the guest list. Captain, round                          up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                          on the back of his horse)                                      FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches                them go.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                          her get away.                                      SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                          don't know. Look, I talked to her last                          night, She's - -                                      SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                          You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                          you two are such good friends, why don't                          you follow her home?                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                          home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                          Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                          Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                          talking donkeys!                                      DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                          (stomps off)                                      DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona                being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running                into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner                alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.                SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes                outside to investigate.                                      SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                          with what he's doing.) What are you                          doing?                                      DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                          recognize a wall when you see one.                                                               SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                          to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                               DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                          half, and this is my half.                                      SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                          I did half the work. I get half the                          booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                          the one that looks like your head.                                                               SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                          with) Let go, Donkey!                                      DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                          away)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                          with you yet.                                      SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                          "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                          it's my turn! So you just shut up and                          pay attention! You are mean to me. You                          insult me and you don't appreciate anything                          that I do! You're always pushing me                          around or pushing me away.                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                          bad, how come you came back?                                      DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                          forgive each other!                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                          you... for stabbin' me in the back!                          (goes into the outhouse and slams the                          door)                                      DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                          onion boy, you're afraid of your own                          feelings.                                      SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                          like you did to Fiona. All she ever                          do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                               SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                          hideous creature. I heard the two of                          you talking.                                      DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                          talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                               SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                          talking about me? Well, then who was                          she talking about?                                      DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                          You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                          Right?                                      SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                          I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                          stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                               DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                               SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                               DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                          you just go ask her?                                      SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                          time.                                      DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                          a will, there's a way and I have a way.                          (whistles)                Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so                they can climb on.                                      SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                         They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                          noogie)                                      DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                          slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                          right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                          had a chance to install the seat belts                          yet.                They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.                The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                     PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                          to bear witness to the union....                                      FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                          to the "I do's"?                                      FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                          to indulge Fiona) Go on.                COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with                a boom. The guards all take off running.                                      DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                          If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                          that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                          Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                          wanna do this right, don't you?                                      SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                          about?                                      DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                          preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                          forever hold your peace." That's when                          you say, "I object!"                                      SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                          to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                          you?                                      SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                          got to, got to try a little tenderness.                          (normal) The chicks love that romantic                          crap!                                      SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                          guy say the line?                                      DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the                windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                      PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                         Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                         Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                               SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                               INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                               FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                          of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                          a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                          of all. Very clean.                                      FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                          when no one wants you, but showing up                          uninvited to a wedding...                                      SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                          late for that, so if you'll excuse me                          - -                                      SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                          you so he can be king.                                      FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                               SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                               SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                          in love with the princess! Oh, good                          Lord. (laughs)                The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The                whole congregation laughs.                                      FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                          my love, we're but a kiss away from                          our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                          (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                          but she pulls back.)                                      FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                          one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                          I wanted to show you before.                She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.                She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                      SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                          smiles)                                      FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                          I order you to get that out of my sight                          now! Get them! Get them both!                The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights                them.                                      SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                          marriage is binding, and that makes                          me king! See? See?                                      FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                               SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                          I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                          beg for death to save you!                                      FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                          as for you, my wife...                                      SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                          for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                         Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                          I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                          show up and the dragon leans down and                          eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                      DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                          here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                          (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                          the edge!                The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth                and falls to the ground.                                      DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                          do they?                The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes                'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                     CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted                up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around                her.                                      WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                          and then take love's true form. Take                          love's true form. Take love's true form."                                         Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell                and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                      SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                          you all right?                                      FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                          yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                          to be beautiful.                                      SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                          a happy ending.                Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm                a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek                and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting                carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet                which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end                up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet                instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now                has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona                walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over                singing the song.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                          black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                          breathe. I can't breathe.                THE END	ShrekWriters :   William Steig  Ted ElliottGenres :   Animation  Adventure  Comedy  Family  Fantasy  RomanceUser CommentsInternet Movie Script DatabaseBack to IMSDbIndex    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy

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	The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)The web's largestmovie script resource!Search IMSDb Alphabetical#	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	HI	J	K	L	M	N	O	P	QR	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	ZGenreAction	Adventure	AnimationComedy	Crime	DramaFamily	Fantasy	Film-NoirHorror	Musical	MysteryRomance	Sci-Fi	ShortThriller	War	WesternSponsorTV TranscriptsFuturamaSeinfeldSouth ParkStargate SG-1LostThe 4400InternationalFrench scriptsMovie SoftwareDVD ripper software offerRip from DVDRip Blu-RayLatest CommentsStar Wars: Revenge of the Sith	10/10Star Wars: The Force Awakens	10/10Batman Begins	9/10Collateral	10/10Jackie Brown	8/10Movie ChatNameMessage	Yell !ALL SCRIPTS                                          SHREK                                       Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                          princess. But she had an enchantment                          upon her of a fearful sort which could                          only be broken by love's first kiss.                          She was locked away in a castle guarded                          by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                          Many brave knights had attempted to                          free her from this dreadful prison,                          but non prevailed. She waited in the                          dragon's keep in the highest room of                          the tallest tower for her true love                          and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                          Like that's ever gonna happen. What                          a load of - (toilet flush)                Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his                day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go                after the ogre.                NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                          thing can do to you?                                      MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                          bread.                Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                          giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                          They'll make a suit from your freshly                          peeled skin.                                      MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                          jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                          quite good on toast.                                      MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                          (waves the torch at Shrek.)                Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The                men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long                and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the                men are in the dark.                                      SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                          (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                          And stay out! (looks down and picks                          up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                          Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                          throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                         THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard                sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures                to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line                are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto                who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three                little pigs.                                      GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                          away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                               HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                          Your flying days are over. (breaks the                          broom in half)                                      HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                          Next!                                      GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                          be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                          Give me another chance!                                      OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                          nose grows)                                      HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                          Take it away.                                      PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                          Help me!                Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up                to the table.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                          if you can prove it.                                      OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                          nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                          Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                      HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                               OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                          to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                          talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                          you ever saw.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One                of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's                hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled                with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                      DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                          a flying, talking donkey. You might                          have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                          but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                          fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                          to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                          to the ground.)                He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                          After him!                                      GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                          Turn!                Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.                Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared                for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He                quickly hides behind Shrek.                                      HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                          to place you both under arrest and transport                          you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                               SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well                and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail                and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and                begins walking back to his cottage.                                      DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                          you was really, really, really somethin'                          back here. Incredible!                                      SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                          and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                          around and Donkey is right in front                          of him.) Whoa!                                      DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                          you that you that you was great back                          here? Those guards! They thought they                          was all of that. Then you showed up,                          and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                          like babes in the woods. That really                          made me feel good to see that.                                      SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                          freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                               DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                          I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                          wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                          stick with you. You're mean, green,                          fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                          the spit out of anybody that crosses                          us.                Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very                loudly.                                      DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                          don't mind me sayin', if that don't                          work, your breath certainly will get                          the job done, 'cause you definitely                          need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                          you breath stinks! You almost burned                          the hair outta my nose, just like the                          time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                          continues to talk, so Shrek removes                          his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                          berries. I had strong gases leaking                          out of my butt that day.                                      SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                          I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                          me, My problems have all gone, There's                          no one to deride me, But you gotta have                          faith...                                      SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                          have any friends.                                      DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                          cruelly honest.                                      SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                          me. What am I?                                      DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                          tall?                                      SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                          torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                          bother you?                                      DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                          you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                          thing. I like that. I respect that,                          Shrek. You all right. (They come over                          a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                          Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                          in place like that?                                      SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                          You know you are quite a decorator.                          It's amazing what you've done with such                          a modest budget. I like that boulder.                          That is a nice boulder. I guess you                          don't entertain much, do you?                                      SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                          we have in common. Like I hate it when                          you got somebody in your face. You've                          trying to give them a hint, and they                          won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                          (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                               SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                          You don't know what it's like to be                          considered a freak. (pause while he                          looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                          But that's why we gotta stick together.                          You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                               SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                               SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                          a chair.) No! No!                                      DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                          late, swappin' manly stories, and in                          the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                      SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                          I don't know you, and you don't know                          me, so I guess outside is best, you                          know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                          slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                          like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                          born outside. I'll just be sitting by                          myself outside, I guess, you know. By                          myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                          no one here beside me...                SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights                a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a                noise. He stands up with a huff.                                      SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                          stay outside.                                      DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that                made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns                and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                      BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                          farm, but what choice do we have?                                                               BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                               GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                               SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                          and lands on his shoulder.)                                      GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                          ear)                                      SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                          you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                          from behind and he drops the mice.)                          Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                          with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                          no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                               DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                          bed's taken.                                      SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.                The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at                him.                                      BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging                him to the front door.                                      SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                          a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                          do get a little privacy? (He opens the                          front door to throw the Wolf out and                          he sees that all the collected Fairy                          Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                          no. No! No!                The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his                pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing                flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                     SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                          echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                         Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a                tent.                                      SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                          move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                          Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                          dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                          No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                          shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                          look at Donkey)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                          them.                                      PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                          and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                               SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                          this Farquaad guy is?                Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                          him? Anyone at all?                                      DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                          Me, me!                                      SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                          tale things. Do not get comfortable.                          Your welcome is officially worn out.                          In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                          right now and get you all off my land                          and back where you came from! (Pause.                          Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                          You! You're comin' with me.                                      DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                          man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                          friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                          adventure. I love it!                                      DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                          with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                          on the road again.                                      SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually                dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                      FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                         The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down                onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the                table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes                up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                     FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                          and plays with them) Run, run, run,                          as fast as you can. You can't catch                          me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                          and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                          poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                          me! Where are the others?                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                          eye.)                                      FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                          Now my patience has reached its end!                          Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                          pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                               GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                          buttons.                                      FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                               GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                          muffin man?                                      FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                          on Drury Lane?                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                               FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                          it in.                More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.                They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic                Mirror.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                          him up and dumps him into a trash can                          with a lid.) No!                                      FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                          Is this not the most perfect kingdom                          of them all?                                      MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                               FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                          hand mirror and smashes it with his                          fist.) You were saying?                                      MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                          But you can become one. All you have                          to do is marry a princess.                                      FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                          and relax, my lord, because it's time                          for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                          And here they are! Bachelorette number                          one is a mentally abused shut-in from                          a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                          and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                          include cooking and cleaning for her                          two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                          (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                          number two is a cape-wearing girl from                          the land of fancy. Although she lives                          with seven other men, she's not easy.                          Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                          find out what a live wire she is. Come                          on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                          picture of Snow White) And last, but                          certainly not last, bachelorette number                          three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                          castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                          But don't let that cool you off. She's                          a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                          and getting caught in the rain. Yours                          for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                          picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                          be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                          number two or bachelorette number three?                                                               GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                               FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                          three, my lord!                                      FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                          Fiona.                                      FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                          have to do is just find someone who                          can go...                                      MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                          thing that happens at night.                                      FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                          my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                          the perfect king! Captain, assemble                          your finest men. We're going to have                          a tournament. (smiles evilly)                DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking                lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                      DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                          That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                               SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                               DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                          for something? (He laughs, but then                          groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                          He continues walking through the parking                          lot.)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                               SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                          a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                          screams and begins running through the                          rows of rope to get to the front gate                          to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                          Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                          - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                          walking straight through the rows. The                          attendant runs into a wall and falls                          down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                          continue on into DuLoc.)                DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                               DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box                marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors                open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin                to sing.                                      WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                         Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                          to run over and pull the lever again)                                                               SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                          No. No. No, no, no! No.                They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                          brightest in all the land. Today one                          of you shall prove himself...                As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena                Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                      SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                          for a smacked bottom.                                      DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                          - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                          and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                          from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                          for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                          the first runner-up will take his place                          and so on and so forth. Some of you                          may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                          to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                          begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                          that? It's hideous!                                      SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                          at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                          It's just a donkey.                                      FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                          kills the ogre will be named champion!                          Have it him!                                      MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                          into a table where there are mugs of                          beer)                                      CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                          settle this over a pint?                                      CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                          Come on!                He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel                of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the                other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides                past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.                As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger                beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.                Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much                fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice                to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                      DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek                gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                      SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time                and sees him.                                      WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men                are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding                sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                          very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                          the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)                The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on                Shrek.                                      HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                          DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                      SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                          honor of embarking on a great and noble                          quest.                                      SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                          to get my swamp back.                                      FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                          fairy tale creatures!                                      FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                          a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                          I'll give you your swamp back.                                      SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                               SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field                heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                      DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                          go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                          just so Farquaad will give you back                          a swamp which you only don't have because                          he filled it full of freaks in the first                          place. Is that about right?                                      SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                          donkeys shouldn't talk.                                      DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                          some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                          him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                          his bones to make your bread, the whole                          ogre trip.                                      SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                          decapitated an entire village and put                          their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                          cut open their spleen and drink their                          fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                               DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                          more to ogres than people think.                                      DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                          (he holds out his onion)                                      DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                          all brown, start sproutin' little white                          hairs.                                      SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                          have layers! Onions have layers. You                          get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                          a sigh and then walks off)                                      DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                          have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                          not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                          loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                      SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                          Ogres are not like cakes.                                      DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                          Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                          you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                          say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                          Parfaits are delicious.                                      SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                          beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                          And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                               DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                          on the whole damn planet.                                      SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                               DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                          making a mess. Just the word parfait                          make me start slobbering.                They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through                a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying                to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,                so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.                DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to                house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                          You gotta warn somebody before you just                          crack one off. My mouth was open and                          everything.                                      SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                          be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                          must be getting close.                                      DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                          about it's the brimstone. I know what                          I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                          didn't come off no stone neither.                                         They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There                is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where                the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very                foreboding.                                      SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                          location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                          into a groan)                                      DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                          ogres have layers?                                      SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                          make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                          wear our fear right out there on our                          sleeves.                                      SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                               DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                               DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                          about being on a rickety bridge over                          a boiling like of lava!                                      SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                          ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                          just tackle this thing together one                          little baby step at a time.                                      DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                               SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                               DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                          Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                          look down. (he steps through a rotting                          board and ends up looking straight down                          into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                          Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                          off, please!                                      SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                          You go back.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                          then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                          bridge)                                      DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                          the bridge again)                                      DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                          bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                          the bridge)                                      DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                          I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                          Oh!                                      SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                          towards the castle)                                      DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                          pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                      SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                          (chuckles)                                      DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                         INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                          and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                          with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                          response to an unfamiliar situation.                          Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                          add. With a dragon that breathes fire                          and eats knights and breathes fire,                          it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                          if you're a little scared. I sure as                          heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                               SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                          Now go over there and see if you can                          find any stairs.                                      DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                          the princess.                                      SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                          be up the stairs in the highest room                          in the tallest tower.                                      DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                               SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                               DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                          the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                          I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                          won't know which way they're goin'.                          (walks off)                EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                          to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                          the stair master. I've mastered the                          stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                          I'd step all over it.                ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                          is, but where's the...                                      DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.                Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon                breathes fire.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                          a hold of the dragons tail and holds                          on) Got ya!                The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek                goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the                tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying                on the floor.                                      DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small                part of the bridge he's on.                                      DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                          what large teeth you have. (the dragon                          growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                          I know you probably hear this all time                          from your food, but you must bleach,                          'cause that is one dazzling smile you                          got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                          freshness? And you know what else? You're                          - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                          I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                          You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                          (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                          at him) What's the matter with you?                          You got something in your eye? Ohh.                          Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                          but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                          blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                          heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                          an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                          work out if you're gonna blow smoke                          rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                          up with her teeth and carries him off)                          No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona                so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She                then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off                the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.                Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for                a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders                and shakes her away.                                      FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                          rescue me.                                      SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                          first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                          romantic moment?                                      SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                               FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                          sweep me off my feet out yonder window                          and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                               SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                          haven't you?                                      FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down                the hallway.                                      FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                          could recite an epic poem for me. A                          ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                               SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                               SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                          out a handkerchief) I pray that you                          take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                               SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                               SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                          (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                          him.)                                      FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                          to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                          That's what all the other knights did.                                                               SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                               FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                          stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                          ignores her and heads for a wooden door                          off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                          going? The exit's over there.                                      SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                          the throne room)                                      DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                          I believe it's healthy to get to know                          someone over a long period of time.                          Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                          worriedly) (we see him up close and                          from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                          the room) I don't want to rush into                          a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                          ready for a commitment of, uh, this                          - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                          looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                          is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                          are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                          back up a little and take this one step                          at a time. We really should get to know                          each other first as friends or pen pals.                          I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                          receiving cards - - I'd really love                          to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                          my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                          gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                          - - What are you gonna do with that?                          Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                          No, no, no. No! Oh!                Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings                toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks                up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.                He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps                Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.                Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and                roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto                her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms                a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey                take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and                then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                      DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                          the trick.                They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots                a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a                crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His                eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles                off and walks lightly.                                      SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                     SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                          take care of the dragon.                Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the                castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping                chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that                is still around the dragons neck.                                      SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot                pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons                breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on                for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They                are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look                in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to                get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the                dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs                quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a                sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                      FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                          did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                          (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                          You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                          (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                          hill and bump into Donkey) a little                          unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                          is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                          eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                          his throat.) And where would a brave                          knight be without his noble steed?                                                               DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                          a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                               FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                          helmet, good Sir Knight.                                      SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                          of my rescuer.                                      SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                          job description.                                      DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                          how it goes. A princess locked in a                          tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                          by a brave knight, and then they share                          true love's first kiss.                                      DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                          Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                          love?                                      FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                               FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                          Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                          Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                      SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                          good idea.                                      FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                          (takes off his helmet)                                      FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                               FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                          all wrong. You're not supposed to be                          an ogre.                                      SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                          Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                          wants to marry you.                                      FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                               SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                          when we get there.                                      FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                          love, not by some ogre and his- - his                          pet.                                      DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                               FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                          You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                          wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                          waiting for him right here.                                      SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                          right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                          (he swiftly picks her up and swings                          her over his shoulder like she was a                          sack of potatoes)                                      FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                          consequences! This is not dignified!                          Put me down!                WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just                hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                      DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                          there's a woman that digs you, right,                          but you don't really like her that way.                          How do you let her down real easy so                          her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                          get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                      FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                          love. Everyone knows what happens when                          you find your...(Shrek drops her on                          the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                          DuLoc the better.                                      DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                          It's beautiful!                                      FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                          What's he like?                                      SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                          of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                          (he and Donkey laugh)                Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off                the dust and grime.                                      DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                          little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                          Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                          just jealous you can never measure up                          to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                               SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                          But I'll let you do the "measuring"                          when you see him tomorrow.                                      FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                          It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                          to make camp?                                      SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                          going.                                      FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                          to sound good.                                      SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                          we're going to see in this forest.                                                               FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                         Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                               MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves                a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                      SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                          don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                               FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                          a few homey touches.                                      SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                          a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                          who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                               FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                          good night. (goes into the cave and                          puts the bark door up behind her)                                                               DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                          I will.                                      FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the                boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona                still inside.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                          come on. I was just kidding.                LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring                up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations                to Donkey.                                      SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                          the only ogre to ever spit over three                          wheat fields.                                      DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                          from these stars?                                      SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                          They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                          the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                          famous for.                                      DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                          group of hunters running away from his                          stench.                                      DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                          dots.                                      SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                          more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                               DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                          we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                               SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                          the princess.                                      SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                          no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                          The first thing I'm gonna do is build                          a ten-foot wall around my land.                                      DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                          deep just now. You know what I think?                          I think this whole wall thing is just                          a way to keep somebody out.                                      SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                          things, isn't it?                                      SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                          leave-it alone things.                                      DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                               SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                          (grins)                At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to                the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                      SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                          walks over to the edge of the cliff                          and sits down)                                      DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                          the whole world anyway?                                      SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                          okay? It's the world that seems to have                          a problem with me. People take one look                          at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                          stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                          they even know me. That's why I'm better                          off alone.                                      DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                          think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                          ogre.                                      SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                               SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                          and Annoying.                                      DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                          one, right there. That one there?                                         Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays                in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic                Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                      FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                          show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                               MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                     FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up                to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly                at her image in the mirror.                MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey                who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes                across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along                with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles                to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too                big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but                she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona                is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still                sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking                in his sleep.                                      DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                          it like that. Come on, baby. I said                          I like it.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                          eggs?                                      DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                          start yesterday. I wanted to make it                          up to you. I mean, after all, you did                          rescue me.                                      SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                          of us. (walks off)                LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the                forest. Shrek belches.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                          than in, I always say. (laughs)                                      DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                          of a princess.                Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                          what I expected.                                      FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                          before you get to know them.                She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly                from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into                a tree.                                      ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                               ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                          And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                          up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                          disgust)...beast.                                      SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                          own!                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                          little busy here?                                      FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                          know who you think you are!                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                          let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                          (laughs)                Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out                from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                      MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                          needy.                                      MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                          damsels, man, I'm good.                                      MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                          and a saucy little maid...                                      MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                          to get...                                      ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                          grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                               MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                          me awfully mad.                                      MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                               ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                          your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                          'cause I'm about to start...                There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and                knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                      FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                          Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                         The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to                get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and                then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is                a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in                mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,                and Fiona begins walking away.                                      FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                          walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                          whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                          from?                                      FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                          Where did you learn that?                                      FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                          uh, one has to learn these things in                          case there's a...(gasps and points)                          there's an arrow in your butt!                                      SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                          look at that? (he goes to pull it out                          but flinches because it's tender)                                                               FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                          sorry.                                      DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                          Shrek's gonna die.                                      SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                          too young for you to die. Keep you legs                          elevated. Turn your head and cough.                          Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                      FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                          Shrek, run into the woods and find me                          a blue flower with red thorns.                                      DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                          it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                          Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                          away from the light!                                      SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                          (runs off)                                      SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                          of Donkey.                                      SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                          thing out. (gives the arrow a little                          pull)                                      SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                          yankin'.                As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and                Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                      FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                               SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                          help.                                      FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                          hand over her face to stop her from                          getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                          you propose we do?                ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                          red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                          This would be so much easier if I wasn't                          color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                               SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                          flower off a nearby bush that just happens                          to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                         THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                          (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                          about...                                      SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                          over with Fiona on top of him)                                      DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                          happend. We were just, uh - -                                      DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                          you had to do was ask. Okay?                                      SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                          my mind. The princess here was just-                          - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                          turns to look at Fiona who holds up                          the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                      DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                          That's...is that blood?                Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue                on their way.                There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.                Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a                small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as                Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back                into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting                and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb                that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it                around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins                eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.                Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting                it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning                it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group                arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.                WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                          you.                                      FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                          Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                          which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                          steps on his hoof) Ow!                                      SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                          on.                                      FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                          about Donkey.                                      SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                          so good.                                      DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                               FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                          what they always say, and then next                          thing you know, you're on your back.                          (pause) Dead.                                      SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                          Do you want to sit down?                                      FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                               DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                          got this twinge in my neck, and when                          I turn my head like this, look, (turns                          his neck in a very sharp way until his                          head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                               SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                               FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                          feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                          I don't have any toes! I think I need                          a hug.                SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while                Fiona eats.                                      FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                          What is this?                                      SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                               SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                          I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                          weed rat stew. (chuckles)                Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                          tomorrow night.                                      SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                          sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                          for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                          - - you name it.                                      FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                          Are you gonna eat that?                                      DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                          Just look at that sunset.                                      FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                          late. I-It's very late.                                      SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                          here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                          you?                                      FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                          You know, I'd better go inside.                                      DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                          be afraid of the dark, too, until -                          - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                          the dark.                Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks                at Shrek with a new eye.                                      DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                          here.                                      SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                          an animal, and I got instincts. And                          I know you two were diggin' on each                          other. I could feel it.                                      SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                          back to Farquaad.                                      DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                          the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                          her how you feel.                                      SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                          even if I did tell her that, well, you                          know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                          I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                          - -                                      DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already                is.                TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is                nowhere to be seen.                                      DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                          where are you? Princess?                Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                     DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                          no games.                Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't                look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking                out.                                      DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                               FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                          her stomach) Can you hear me?                                      FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                          keep breathing! I'll get you out of                          there!                                      FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets                down.                                      DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                          uh, uh, uh, different.                                      FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                          'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                          bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                          Now - -                                      FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                          as I can remember.                                      DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                          seen you like this before.                                      FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                          "By night one way, by day another. This                          shall be the norm... until you find                          true love's first kiss... and then take                          love's true form."                                      DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                          you wrote poetry.                                      FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                          girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                          night I become this. This horrible,                          ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                          to await the day my true love would                          rescue me. That's why I have to marry                          Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                          sets and he sees me like this. (begins                          to cry)                                      DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                          it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                          Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                          But you only look like this at night.                          Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                      FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                          is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                               DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                          Farquaad?                                      FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                          can break the spell.                                      DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                          orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                          lot in common.                                      FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his                hand.                                      SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                          it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                          for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                          and thought of you because it's pretty                          and - - well, I don't really like it,                          but I thought you might like it 'cause                          you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                          I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                          Okay, here we go.                He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey                and Fiona talking.                                      FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                          Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                          really, who can ever love a beast so                          hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                          don't go together. That's why I can't                          stay here with Shrek.                Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                          ever after is to marry my true love.                                         Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks                away.                INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                          it has to be. It's the only way to break                          the spell.                                      DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                               FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                          must ever know.                                      DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                          if you gotta keep secrets?                                      FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                          But you should. (goes outside) I just                          know before this is over, I'm gonna                          need a whole lot of serious therapy.                          Look at my eye twitchin'.                Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks                down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back                inside the windmill.                MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still                awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                      FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                          I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                          runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                          Shrek, there's something I want...(she                          looks and sees the rising sun, and as                          the sun crests the sky she turns back                          into a human.)                Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards                her.                                      FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                          I have to tell you.                                      SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                          Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                               FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                          could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                               FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                          you.                                      SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                          him in shock. He looks past her and                          spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                          on time. Princess, I've brought you                          a little something.                Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal                sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only                like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers                march by.                                      DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                          the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                          Couldn't have been the donkey.                                      FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                          of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                          out, as agreed. Take it and go before                          I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                          Forgive me, Princess, for startling                          you, but you startled me, for I have                          never seen such a radiant beauty before.                          I'm Lord Farquaad.                                      FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                          snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                          for I was just saying a short... (Watches                          as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                          and set down in front of her. He comes                          to her waist.) farewell.                                      FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                          to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                          not like it has feelings.                                      FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                          Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                          Will you be the perfect bride for the                          perfect groom?                                      FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                          make - -                                      FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                          the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                      FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                          married today before the sun sets.                                                               FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                          The sooner, the better. There's so much                          to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                          the band, the guest list. Captain, round                          up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                          on the back of his horse)                                      FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches                them go.                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                          her get away.                                      SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                          don't know. Look, I talked to her last                          night, She's - -                                      SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                          You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                          you two are such good friends, why don't                          you follow her home?                                      DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                          home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                          Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                          Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                          talking donkeys!                                      DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                          (stomps off)                                      DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona                being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running                into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner                alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.                SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes                outside to investigate.                                      SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                          with what he's doing.) What are you                          doing?                                      DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                          recognize a wall when you see one.                                                               SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                          to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                               DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                          half, and this is my half.                                      SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                          I did half the work. I get half the                          booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                          the one that looks like your head.                                                               SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                          with) Let go, Donkey!                                      DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                          away)                                      DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                          with you yet.                                      SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                          "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                          it's my turn! So you just shut up and                          pay attention! You are mean to me. You                          insult me and you don't appreciate anything                          that I do! You're always pushing me                          around or pushing me away.                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                          bad, how come you came back?                                      DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                          forgive each other!                                      SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                          you... for stabbin' me in the back!                          (goes into the outhouse and slams the                          door)                                      DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                          onion boy, you're afraid of your own                          feelings.                                      SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                          like you did to Fiona. All she ever                          do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                               SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                          hideous creature. I heard the two of                          you talking.                                      DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                          talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                               SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                          talking about me? Well, then who was                          she talking about?                                      DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                          You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                          Right?                                      SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                          I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                          stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                               DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                               SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                               DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                          you just go ask her?                                      SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                          time.                                      DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                          a will, there's a way and I have a way.                          (whistles)                Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so                they can climb on.                                      SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                         They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                          noogie)                                      DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                          slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                          right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                          had a chance to install the seat belts                          yet.                They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.                The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                     PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                          to bear witness to the union....                                      FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                          to the "I do's"?                                      FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                          to indulge Fiona) Go on.                COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with                a boom. The guards all take off running.                                      DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                          If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                          that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                          Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                          wanna do this right, don't you?                                      SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                          about?                                      DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                          preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                          forever hold your peace." That's when                          you say, "I object!"                                      SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                          to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                          you?                                      SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                          got to, got to try a little tenderness.                          (normal) The chicks love that romantic                          crap!                                      SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                          guy say the line?                                      DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the                windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                      PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                         Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                         Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                               SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                               INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                               FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                          of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                          a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                          of all. Very clean.                                      FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                          when no one wants you, but showing up                          uninvited to a wedding...                                      SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                          late for that, so if you'll excuse me                          - -                                      SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                          you so he can be king.                                      FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                               SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                               SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                          in love with the princess! Oh, good                          Lord. (laughs)                The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The                whole congregation laughs.                                      FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                          my love, we're but a kiss away from                          our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                          (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                          but she pulls back.)                                      FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                          one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                          I wanted to show you before.                She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.                She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                      SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                          smiles)                                      FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                          I order you to get that out of my sight                          now! Get them! Get them both!                The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights                them.                                      SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                          marriage is binding, and that makes                          me king! See? See?                                      FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                               SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                          I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                          beg for death to save you!                                      FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                          as for you, my wife...                                      SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                          for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                         Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                          I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                          show up and the dragon leans down and                          eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                      DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                          here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                          (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                          the edge!                The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth                and falls to the ground.                                      DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                          do they?                The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes                'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                     CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted                up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around                her.                                      WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                          and then take love's true form. Take                          love's true form. Take love's true form."                                         Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell                and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                      SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                          you all right?                                      FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                          yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                          to be beautiful.                                      SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                          a happy ending.                Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm                a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek                and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting                carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet                which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end                up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet                instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now                has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona                walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over                singing the song.                                      GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                          black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                          breathe. I can't breathe.                THE END	ShrekWriters :   William Steig  Ted ElliottGenres :   Animation  Adventure  Comedy  Family  Fantasy  RomanceUser CommentsInternet Movie Script DatabaseBack to IMSDbIndex    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy

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The design of this advert is very 'comic'-like, and the color scheme, matches her costume and the clothes she's hanging up.

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The woman looks really happy, shows that the product is making her life easier. Direct Adres

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Medium close-up shot shows that she's hanging up the clothes- as well as her facial expression, which connotes that the product has worked well for her. The whole shot is in focus, highlighting her, and the clothes behind her.

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The repetition of 'OMO' gets the idea stuck in the audience's mind. 'Whites and brights' rhyme, creating a catchy feel to the piece. This could appeal to women in the 1950's and also conveys what the product does and that it has been used and been proven to work.

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High key lighting, accentuates the whiteness of the clothes as well as showing that the product worked.

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Portrait-

Title is big and bold, and on the top- which is the first thing the viewer sees... caturing the viewers attention.

Product description at the bottom.

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This advert was based in the 1950s. Since then many laws and acts have passed that give us a different view on this. Firstly, in 1975 a sex and discrimination act was introduced to ban adverts such as there. Therefore they massively reduced and we would consider an advert like this as offensive and weird. Females have more rights now and there is more equality. Stereotypes are less used. The political laws have changed drastically since the 1950s, for women. The key law being in 1975, where it was illegal to discriminate between women and men. Also, they had to have equal pay.

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Medium close up shot- emphasizes her emotion, she looks excited to be hanging up laundry, this accompanies stereotype that women are stay-at-home moms. Also, it shows that she has put a lot of makeup on which also adds to typical women representations. You can clearly see her rouge lips, powdered face and groomed hair to show the reader she cares about her appearance and is feminine.

We can see her hanging up the washing happily, almost as if a women’s purpose is to work round the house-a typical stereotype.