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I was going through a lot since the beginning of the year and it became increasingly difficult once my dad was hospitalised through april to may, and then when he finally was getting somewhere better he got discharged and was on bed rest for another two months, during the same time my sister was struggling with cancer, but she had gotten better. Suddenly in the month of May her condition worsened and she was back to chemo and radiation. The doctor then told that she only has three months left, she didn't even survive one full month and she passed away this july on 8th. What bothered me was the abuse she faced during that time at the hands of her mother in law and how her husband never supported her during this crucial time. I am so angry and I feel so numb that there's nothing i can do about it honestly. I have stopped feeling 🤬 and I don't know when I will feel my emotions again.

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have you ever thought of me

will i be able to live without you?

do you read my texts
do you see my missed calls
will i be able to speak to you?

do you get notifications of my message
do you ever think how i have been suffering

will i be with you in moments,

will i be I?

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You might be successful today u might be winning today but remember ur looser always you just snatched food from a person who was very starving you are so selfish you are nothing if those two were not there you are so cheap i wish you could die I am not so 🤬 that I would laugh on someone's death but remember i will be the happiest person the moment you die

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So I am going through a heartbreak right now and it's something i have never been through because all my past relationships ended because they cheated on me but this one is different Him and i were friends for almost a year before we started dating although we only dated for two months in total and we broke up some days ago. He initiated a break up. He is from a different background and his family is very strict so we knew that we could not be together for too long and he has some traumatic things because of his first girlfriend. When their relationship got exposed his family treated him really bad and somewhat they still do and don't trust him enough and after that he always had that fear because he grew up seeing all the toxicity in his family around dating and marriage So on 10th June he said he wanted to talk about something and bought up that he told his sister about me and she reminded him about his parents are and how if he'd continue the relationship I'll get more attached to him and eventually get hurt. So he thought breaking up with me would be the best idea for me because he doesn't want to hurt me in the future I tried my best to save the relationship because I wasn't just attached to him already also because he was my first in everything we shared and did something that I never did with any of my previous partners but it did not work he already made up his mind so i agreed to it we did not remove eachother from any social but one of my friend forced me to unfollow him from insta and i did but I'm regretting this decision I'm holding onto the idea of him coming back but what if he never comes back? I did not just lose a lover i lost my close friend whom i cherished so much. I really wanna talk to him but I should not do anything. I'm really lost. I feel like it's unfair to me why he just abandoned me out of nowhere when things were going good I want him back.

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I get up feeling tired, emotionally drained hoping ever it’s just a dream. Listening to my mother yelling at me no matter what I do it’s never enough for her. But I always tend to feel it’s my fault it is always my fault whatever I do it turns out to be a disaster. There is no relationship which is not a mess everyone tends to leave me.Apparently my family doesn’t have that option. But Over the years I have realised I am not easy I am a mess. I don’t deserve love sometimes i feel I am not worthy enough. I keep feeling that people’s life would be much better more lighter and more happier without me. Even when I am around people I feel lonely. I have even tried talking to people but now one understands me or take me seriously every time they are like 🤬 happens move on. I am exhausted get up everyday feeling the same things over and over again. Hurting my loved ones.

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Me and my partner were in a relationship from past 12 years and the only topics on which we fought was in regards to financial aspects. I belong from well settled family whereas he and his family is struggling to clear off their debts hence my family disapproves my choice. Elder people in my family says after marriage when the honeymoon phase gets over its just the responsibility which keeps your marriage going when both husband & wife are doing their shares of responsibilities properly then only the marriage last and nowadays finance plays a big role as everyone knows the cost of living has become so high. I’m stuck in thoughts whether I should go ahead against my family and marry him & degrade my lifestyle from the one I’m living right now, Will I be able to do it? I’m scared about all these thoughts as I have always been in financially secured position since birth and they have a huge debt on their head which makes me feel very insecure or should I just move on for our betterment.

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I don’t understand where it all changed. you were so loving and we were so happy for so long, and then you turned so cold in less than two weeks. I don’t even recognise who you are. almost a month later and I still believe you’ll come back. my therapist and my friends are trying to help me and comfort me, but you’re the only one who can actually comfort me, ironic right? I don’t understand how it’s so easy for you to move past this like nothing happened. for me, it’s like my nurse stabbed my chest with a dagger and took it right out, cause all the blood to spurt out and that same nurse watches me without a care in the world. my life still feels so empty without you.

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Will i ever be worthy of being held on to?

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Will i ever be worthy of being held on to?

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Why do boys leaving me on seen trigger me so much why do i take their txts as evidence of being worthy of being chosen. Couldn't i just hv had a secure childhood where I wouldnt hv had to beg or shrink for love, work for love? I wonder how life had turned out if i hadnt turned orphan at the age of 19. Would i hv gotten regular love? Would I still struggle with being chosen ? I just feel there is so much love around me but none is for me , how can love be so much around you but still escape u each time. I just wish one prsn would stay and take care of me for me just being me.

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Bulla ki jana mai kaun?

Na mai moosa na pharaun
Na vich jaagan na vich saun
Na mai rehnda vich nadaun
Na vich baitthan na vich bhaun

Bulla Shah khadda hai kaun?

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I read a quote a long time ago that feeling hurt, wounded about things are the parts of you coming up that want to heal. Since then I've looked at it that way and all has changed. It's the first time I started listening to myself for once. Coming from a semi-orthodox dysfunctional family was hard on me, I have been a people pleaser, maybe have ADHD, trying to make a career for myself between being responsible and making a life of my own, all while living with toxic, narcissistic parents with a broken marriage. I've had to keep secrets that shook my trust in relationships all together, so never really took the chance at it. I embody Sisyphus but I identify with Thorfinn. Between the hard chaos and dumbfuckery, I healed. I healed myself and my parents too. It isn't perfect but it's a close. The dream I have is to live a quiet life of abundance and peace, in solitude or with a lover. I'd rather say my trauma has given me character, an appreciation for a life that can be lived being true to yourself. As I write this at 0330am while reflecting on how far I have come, the most important thing is thinking for yourself. I have had to learn it, break away from being "nice" all the time. It kills resentment and regret, an antidote to being bitter. God has been great and I'm grateful for all the life I get to live and for the life that awaits me. This space was much needed in the toxic minefields of the internet. Thank you for reading!

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In attempts to try an escape not living at home, I ended up living in hotels or stays with my so called partners. Over the decade, I have only jumped from one person to another, only to realise I haven't been able to judge even a single one them. Projecting my traumas into all my relationships, here I am at 29 seeking help. Because, I tried doing this on my own and I failed. My last relationship ended two years ago and I am still stuck. Not able to let go. Like banging my head on the wall and hurting myself again and again and over again. I just want to feel liberated from this stuck up feeling towards someone I finally thought was the one.

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It’s been 5 years, I’ve been in 2 relationship's after you, but does it really matter when I keep thinking about you and us.

I feel I keep searching for you in every person and no one can be you, there were good parts but there were also bad parts which I cannot forget, I refuse to drown my self respect. I wish you could be the same as I think of you in my head but you’re not. I cannot unsee the things you did to me and everyone else. I will see you as that for my own good only that will help me. Thank you for showing me the real you. It sucks but it helped.

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I feel burnt out. I feel extremely pressured. I want to be so desperately happy but I don't think I can be. Not without somebody's presence. Why am I so dependent on other people for this I don't know. I always had a lot of friends, then I lost so many on the way. Now I feel I have nobody, absolutely nobody to talk to. I failed in a friendship. I have failed miserably in a 4 year long relationship. I thought I can deal with this. And being sad is okay, hasn't been that long. But I can't stay this way and I don't know how to come out of this. I love to be around people, I don't seek validation from everyone but a few. Now I don't have even 1. This is tougher than I expected it to be. And I am not able to think of anything else apart from this feeling which is even worse. I don't know if I will be ever ok with being just me. I want to not want anyone else. And be truly okay with just me. But HOW!

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I don't know where to take my shame. I feel embarrassed about this. These are rare occurrings, that I find myself in. How could I think like this about someone, or judge them so harshly, when I am not even close to perfect. 

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I don't know where to take my shame. I feel embarrassed about this. These are rare occurrings, that I find myself in. How could I think like this about someone, or judge them so harshly, when I am not even close to perfect. 

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You told me you were running around trying to conduct an experiment on all of humanity to see if anybody cared. How audacious would it be of me to say that I, subconsciously, look for you everywhere I go. Yet the worst part is, I can't even get myself to admit it. Not even to myself. It feels almost like an unforgivable sin to even whisper your name to the wind. In the process of letting you go, did I let go of myself too?

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I feel tired of trying and failing.
I feel tired of getting up in the morning and failing before I've even stepped out of bed.
I feel tired of dreaming. Because when you dream a lot, you get hurt a lot every single time you sabotage them. You know full well you're doing it, yet you are utterly helpless because you've tried to stop, but you know can't. Your soul's a tired, shrivelled up corpse. All it seeks is numbness.

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Why is it so hard to talk to people? Why is it so hard to make friends? Why is it so hard for your friends to stick around you? Why is it hard to just be you.

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My feelings today and most of the days. 

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My feelings today and most of the days. 

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This is how I feel pretty much everyday. Lonely. Sometimes it's quite literally very lonely and some days it's in a room full of people. Trying to fit in every day every time but no one feels even remotely close. Now only sometimes it feels good to be w the people i love. Otherwise I feel lonely. And i hate it. It doesn't let me do my work because i don't even know.

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I know it's wrong. But it's just so hard to come clean to her. I know this will break her and break what we have but I can't afford to lose her. She has been my rock through most things in life. I'm really sorry J. I didn't mean to do this. I never did.

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I recently realized that a lot of my childhood trauma comes from constant messages of not being good enough. This has led to me always feeling like I am the problem. I just wish I could somehow be more confident within myself.