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Talking to friends about your mental health

How do I tell my friend?

Getting help from people other than friends

Supporting a friend who has a mental health problem

I’m supporting a friend, but I’m feeling overwhelmed

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Summary

Talking to friends about your mental health

How do I tell my friend?

Getting help from people other than friends

Supporting a friend who has a mental health problem

I'm supporting a friend, but I'm feeling overwhelmed

Friendship is a crucial element in protecting our mental health. Our friends can keep us grounded, help us get things in perspective, and help us manage life's problems.

"The best thing my friend did for me was that they just accepted me as I was."

If we're experiencing a mental health problem, our instinct might be to hide away and avoid our friends. But friendships can play a key role in helping us live with or recover from a mental health problem and overcome the isolation that often comes with it. We can end up with the strongest relationships with the people who've supported us through hard times.

"They kept coming to see me even though I didn't seem to want them and they made me laugh."

Talking to friends about your mental health, and supporting a friend with a mental health problem, can be difficult to do. We have tips on how to start a conversation, offer support, and look after yourself.

Talking to friends about your mental health

If you have a mental health problem, you may feel ashamed of 'admitting' to it. You may feel that you're bothering or upsetting your friend, fear being labelled, or worry about how your friendship might change.

You don't have to tell your friends - and you certainly don't have to tell everyone. Think about who you might feel comfortable talking to. It might help to write a list of the pros and cons of telling or not telling people about your problem.

Tough as it can be, talking to close friends can be important for both of you. Even if you don't talk about it again, having the issue out in the open means that you don't have to worry about mentioning your mental health problem by accident or 'explaining away' medication or appointments. It may also clarify why you're behaving in a particular way or don't want to go out or talk to them much.

"I wanted my friends to know so they...would cut me some slack if I behaved oddly."

How do I tell my friend?

You may want to practise your opening sentence or you may want to play it by ear. Choose a time and a place where you will both feel comfortable. Think about whether:

the place is quiet or noisy, indoors or outside

you're on your own or among other people, for instance, in a pub or café

you're doing an activity together, such as going for a walk or just sitting down for a chat

You could phone or write to your friend if it's easier than talking to them face to face.

Understanding mental health problems can be difficult, despite how common they are. Be ready for your friend to be shocked or react badly. They may feel awkward and not know how to respond. This may be because they feel so worried about you, or perhaps your news has struck a chord with something in their own life. They may even suggest that you're fine and just need to 'pull yourself together'. Give them time to process what you've said.

Most people don't know very much about mental health issues so it may be a good idea to tell your friend about the problem itself but don't overwhelm them. You could show them a book or website that's helped you understand what you're experiencing.

Getting help from people other than friends

If you don't feel that turning to a friend is an option, there are other forms of informal help.

Self-help and peer support groups are often useful. By sharing your experiences, you can support other people and learn about how they cope with challenging situations.

You could join a group centred around an activity: a book group, a chess club or an exercise class.

If you don't want to join a group, try going to places where there are lots of people such as a library, leisure centre or café. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to, but just being around other people can help you feel more connected.

Online communities can also be supportive, whether or not they are focused on mental health problems. Mind's online community, Side by Side, is where you can listen, share and be heard.

Supporting a friend who has a mental health problem

If you're a friend of someone with a mental health problem, you may be concerned about them. The most important thing is to show them that you're still their friend and you care about them, whether that's through your words, a hug, or another way that conveys how you feel.

"My friend asked me questions, didn't just assume things, she really wanted to know."

How can I support my friend?

The most valuable support you can provide is just being there to talk and listen. Making time to call, text, visit or invite someone over can make a big difference.

"My friend realised I had taken an overdose and rang for an ambulance... but has never judged me or criticised my action."

Mental health problems can be misunderstood. Simply acknowledging your friend's problems, accepting them and treating them with compassion is important.

Your friend isn't looking for another mental health professional - they just want your support as a friend. They're likely to want to keep things as normal as possible, even if you need to adapt some of the activities you used to do together (for example, because they feel anxious in big groups or their medication makes them tired in the evenings).

"My friend phoned me, talked to me about normal stuff, sent me letters, took me out sometimes."

Remember that someone who insists they're fine may be in a bad way. They may just need to talk, or they may need professional help. Men are often particularly reluctant to talk about emotional issues. The NHS offers advice for helping others with mental health problems, which can be as simple as asking someone if they're sure if they tell you they're feeling fine.

Practical help can be valuable too. Cleaning, shopping and basic household tasks can seem impossible to someone who is having a difficult time. Ask your friend what they need: it could be going to appointments with them, helping them manage their finances or finding information about therapies and services, for example.

I'm supporting a friend, but I'm feeling overwhelmed

Some people reach the point where they feel they've become more of a carer instead of a friend. You may feel responsible for your friend and worry about what would happen if you weren't around. It can be painful and embarrassing - on both sides - to admit that this is happening. But there are things you can do to look after yourself and rebalance the friendship. For example:

Take a break if you need to - some time to yourself can help you feel refreshed.

Set clear boundaries to the support you can give. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you're rejecting someone: it just means you're being realistic about what you can and can't do.

Share your role with others if you can. Knowing other people are there to support your friend can take the pressure off you.

Talk about how you're feeling. Be careful how much you share about the friend you're supporting, but talking about your feelings can help you feel supported too.

"I gave my friend a lot of support and at times felt close to burning out. Now that my friend has recovered we are closer than before. However, I worry that I might not be able to cope with another episode."

* Last updated: 13 August 2021

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Talking to friends about your mental health, getting help from people other than friends, supporting a friend who has a mental health problem, and what to do if you're feeling feeling overwhelmed.

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Free 24/7 help and support with pressures at work and home
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How to Defeat Negative Thinking: An Animation

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Shutterstock / Wondermind

It's a Tuesday. You're walking around living your life and *boom* you're personally victimized by your own brain saying things like, "You really effed up that work assignment today. You can probably kiss that promotion goodbye." Which, rude. But, also, normal.

Thing is, these sneak attacks happen all the time to practically everyone and can come in many forms: Intrusive thoughts, rumination, negative self-talk-the gang's all here. But just because something is super common doesn't mean it's not distracting, unpleasant, and maybe even harmful to your mental health. Thus, it's time to stop putting up with that nonsense.

Before we get into how to do all that, it's worth noting that you might not be able to stop these thoughts from popping up altogether (a bummer, we know). Still, there are methods to cope when they do happen. Here are therapist-backed tips to help you handle those negative thoughts and some smart ways to try them for yourself. (P.S. if you're worried about your thoughts and/or think you may be in danger, it might be time to seek out a mental health professional.)

1. Talk to yourself like a friend.

If you berate yourself for putting the wrong address in your GPS or for missing that work deadline you wrote in big block letters on your brain's to-do list, switch your tone to how you'd speak with a friend (see: with a bit more honesty and understanding). "We tend to be far more compassionate to the people around us than to ourselves," says clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.

Self-compassion is a tool for taking ownership for your actions in a way that feels safe, says Dr. Kirmayer. And criticism, on the other hand, won't encourage change in the same way. "It's not about excusing things that we wish we didn't do. It's about bringing a compassionate voice to those situations," she explains.

Try it: When your negative self-talk engine is revving, pause and regroup. Ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend in this moment?" Maybe you'd say something like, "Damn, prioritizing your schedule might help next time. You've got this!" Instead of sticking to criticism, you're encouraging yourself to make better choices in the future. Write it down on a piece of paper or in your phone so you can see it (or say it out loud). You can also think of it as what you'd want a friend to say to you in this moment. It might not work for you right away, notes Dr. Kirmayer, but that's why practicing this type of self-talk is so important.

2. Keep a pic of bb you around.

The way you speak to yourself every day can really influence your mood and your overall self-worth. To remind yourself to be nicer to...yourself, keep a photo of you as a happy kid near your negative self-talk hotspots (your desk, your bathroom mirror, or just on your phone), explains licensed clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. "Connecting to the inner-child within us can potentially evoke a sensitivity to how we speak to ourselves," she says. So, when something triggers your inner critic, you might just be more understanding when you spot little you staring you in the face, just like speaking to yourself like a friend.

Try it: The next time you're talking down to or criticizing yourself, imagine what you'd say to 5-year-old you. Flexing that self-compassion muscle feels good.

3. Stop "shoulding" yourself.

"Should" statements are shamey judgments often based on personal beliefs or "arbitrary standards created by society," says licensed clinical psychologist Melissa Robinson-Brown, PhD. They weigh us down since they "stink of perfectionism" and often just set us up for failure or disappointment, she notes. You know, things like: I should be married with kids by now, I shouldn't have to ask for help, I should have more friends, I shouldn't wear my hair natural, etc. Even the "shoulds" you think are harmless- I shouldn't watch Netflix this late -can be problematic if they make you feel guilty or shameful. To get out of a "should" storm, try to replace judgment with curiosity, suggests Dr. Robinson-Brown. Consider where this statement is coming from and what it's really telling you about your wants and needs.

Try it: If you catch yourself "shoulding," pause and think about the situation realistically. Why are you judging yourself, and can you cut yourself some slack? Then, for extra credit, think about where these benchmarks came from. Were they passed down to you growing up? Would shifting some of those outdated beliefs take the pressure off?

4. Draw a worry circle.

If you're struggling with anxious thoughts about that dreaded (but really cool!) job interview or anything consuming your brain, draw a circle and write down every stressy thing you can control about this situation inside of it. Outside of the circle, jot down what you have zero power over. So, for the interview, picking an outfit that makes you feel awesome, practicing your answers to mock questions, and researching the company can go inside your circle. But how the other candidates do, what your potential boss asks you, and whether they like you would stay out of the circle. "By breaking down different elements of a stressful situation to test whether or not they're under your control, you're taking things off of your plate that never belonged there," says therapist Yuki Shida, LMFT. TL;DR: You're putting the situation in perspective.

Try it: The next time you're filled to the brim with anxiety, draw a circle and sift through what's really your responsibility. Take a good look at everything outside of your control, remind yourself that you can't influence those outcomes, and let them go.

5. Schedule some worry time.

If stressing about looming a doctor's visit, your rent going up (again), and that next BBQ with your not-so-great extended fam is all consuming, consider making an actual appointment in your day to deal with those feelings. Dedicating time to sit with those worries and focus on solutions might keep them from taking over your brain the rest of the day, says clinical neuropsychologist Jennifer Wolkin, PhD. For what it's worth, you may not solve every problem during your scheduled worry session, but you might find that some of your worries don't seem as stressful by the time you let yourself pause to think about them, she adds.

Try it: When you catch yourself worrying throughout the day, mentally postpone those thoughts by writing them down so that you can come back to them later, Dr. Wolkin suggests. Then, distract yourself with whatever you were doing or pivot to a new task. This should help you get past the discomfort of putting a pin in your anxieties, she says. During your designated worry time, spend 15 to 30 minutes thinking over whatever is on your list. And, when the time is up, try to do something fun or calming to shift out of worry-mode.

6. Catch, check, and change negative thoughts.

While the random things floating through your brain are totally normal, the not-so-kind type may leave you feeling not so awesome. When that happens, employing the "catch it, check it, change it" strategy, courtesy of clinical psychologist Neha Khorana, PhD, ABPP, comes in handy. "I tell people, 'OK, when you're feeling a negative emotion come on, [when] you're feeling distressed, frustrated, anxious, worried, whatever it is, immediately pause and catch your thought. What is running through your head in that very moment?" she says. Then, check it: Is it helpful, is it objectively true, ​​or is it negative self-talk? Next, try to change the thought so it's more accurate. It doesn't have to be super positive, but aim to be more realistic about the negative ideas that send you spiraling.

Try it: Let's say you bombed a test. You might start telling yourself that you're stupid (you aren't) and that you're going to fail the class (you probably won't). But before the thoughts get out of control, catch your negative self-talk, check to see if there's truth to it, and change it to be more logical. In this case, maybe "I feel so stupid" becomes "I could have started studying earlier" or, maybe, "That exam was super hard, but I'll be prepared next time." FYI, this can work for any anxious thought, not just negative self-talk.

7. Save your bedtime thoughts for the a.m.

You get in bed, ready for slumber to hit you like a tidal wave, only to be pelted by thought after thought. This sudden brain activity is actually pretty understandable since we're often afraid that we'll forget some important idea or to-do list item, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. But writing it all down, or even just saving it somewhere safe on your phone, can help you fall asleep faster. "The notepad acts as [your] memory, so [you] don't have to keep replaying it over and over," explains Dr. Howes. "That replaying is anxious rumination and keeps the brain charged up instead of relaxing." Basically, this trick is a way to tell your brain that you hear it, but you'll address things tomorrow.

Try it: The next time you're ruminating over a thought (or LOTS of thoughts), write it down. When you wake up, "make sure 'morning you' returns the favor by actually reading what you wrote down," says Dr. Howes. That way you'll learn to that it's safe to get your slumber on the next time you try this hack.

8. Ruminate on positive things for a change.

If you tend to ruminate on negative memories or worries, you're just giving anxiety fuel-you're not really solving anything, says Dr. Howes. When you catch yourself spiraling like this, he suggests challenging yourself to mull over positive things instead: "I like to frame this as 'equal time.'" Plus, since it's common to have racing thoughts at night, doing this in bed can help relax you, he notes. Sure, it may seem hard to focus on the positives when you're feeling down, but it could be the reminder you need that there are better times ahead.

Try it: Think about past vacations you enjoyed, funny moments you had with your family or friends, or instances where you were extra proud of yourself. The moral of the story: "You can sometimes access the power to feel good by recalling or imagining positive events just as you can spiral into a negative place with anxious thoughts," says Dr. Howes. You have more power over your mind than you think.

9. Chill the hell out with the 5-4-3-2-1 trick.

When you're feeling swept up in a merry-go-round of thoughts, getting out of your brain and into your body can really help, says Dr. Wolkin. Behold, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, aka listing five things you can see, four you can feel or touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. You could rearrange the different senses here, but, regardless, this practice "holds [your] attention outside of the negative, unhelpful, and sometimes intrusive thought processes," says Dr. Wolkin.

Try it: Stop what you're doing and notice all the things you can see, feel, hear, smell, and taste, if you can. Are you outside or inside? Alone or with other people? Can you hear a conversation? The sound of cars? Can you smell anything? What can you taste (even if it's just the taste of your mouth)? You can name these things out loud or in your head without thinking too deeply about or judging them.

10. Sing your intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts can be super scary or irritating when they barge into your head unannounced, but know this: they're normal, says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Melissa Shepard, MD. If you're someone who gets all kinds of bothered by these brain invaders and judge yourself for having them in the first place, try singing them. "Anything that takes some of the weight and seriousness out of intrusive thoughts can be really helpful," Dr. Shepard explains. So your intrusive thought song basically tells your brain that the thought is not important. "It takes some of the sting out." (This is called " cognitive defusion," by the way.)

Try it: Belt out your next intrusive thought to the tune of a Lady Gaga song or repeat it over and over in your head to "Happy Birthday." If you're not into this, you can get the same sort of effect by writing down an intrusive thought again and again or saying it in a silly voice, says Dr. Shepard.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.

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10 Therapy Hacks for Squashing Negative Thoughts

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If you're experiencing rude self-talk, intrusive thoughts, or rumination, this is how to stop those negative thoughts.

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Keeping a daily journal in which you process the difficult events of your day through a lens of self-compassion can enhance both mental and physical well-being. This exercise will help make self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness part of your daily life.

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Wellness Action Plans are a personalised, practical tool we can all use – whether we have a mental health problem or not – to help us identify what keeps us well at work, what causes us to become unwell, and how to address a mental health problem at work should you be experiencing one

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"The spotlight effect is a term used by social psychologists to refer to the tendency we have to overestimate how much other people notice about us. In other words, we tend to think there is a spotlight on us at all times, highlighting all of our mistakes or flaws, for all the world to see"

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Spotlight Effect: Not Everyone is Looking at You

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The spotlight effect occurs when we overestimate how much others notice us. It is common in those with social anxiety disorder, but there are ways to cope.

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How to tame your Advice Monster | Michael Bungay Stanier | TEDxUniversityofNevada

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Free 24/7 help and support with pressures at work and home

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6 free counselling sessions available

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Harrogate and District NHS Foundation Trust

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We have pulled together a range of useful information and resources here for colleagues working in HDFT and HIF to support you, your team and your family's health and wellbeing. If you have suggestions, feedback or queries relating to this site or if you need help finding what you need to support you, please email [email protected] .
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Living At Our Best - Harrogate and District NHS Foundation Trust

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We want to ensure we offer staff continued support and advice for their health and wellbeing at this time.

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If you are feeling stressed, anxious, low or can’t sleep, Every Mind Matters can help with expert advice, practical tips and personalised actions to help you.

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Free, confidential, chat with another nurse or midwife who gets it
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Nurse Lifeline. Here to listen. Here to encourage. Here together. Our aim is to provide peer-support and raise awareness of mental and emotional health and wellbeing. Look out for useful links to resources, and positive and inspiring stories on our blog.

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This app is currently available for free for NHS staff. Download and use your NHS email to access.

The app can support with stress relieving meditations, sleep music, and sections to support with financial help through to mindful eating.

There is a great section on mindfulness at work, with section on stress relief before and after work. It also includes a work crisis SOS meditation.

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Frontline19 offers 8-12 sessions with a counsellor, flexibly via whatever method you choose, to help with the issues including:

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Since we started this initiative we are seeing these recurring themes when our healthcare professionals request support:

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We have well qualified volunteer psychotherapists/counsellors/psychologists who can help you alleviate them.

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Please fill out the simple, confidential form. Once we get some basic information from you, we can match you with an experienced therapist who has offered their professional skills for free.

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Sessions can be anything from a 20 minute debrief to ongoing weekly support.

Do I have to have weekly sessions?

No. You can have as few or as many sessions as you wish. All our therapists agree to provide 12 sessions without payment, but you may choose to have just one or two. You are in control - simply discuss with your assigned practitioner.

Can I change practitioner if I want?

We hope that you won't feel the need to, but yes you can. Just let us know if things aren't working out, and we can assign someone else to your case. It's no problem.

I'm busy now but can I book sessions for the future?

We'll be here. Just call back to the site when you are ready, and we'll get you matched up.

Register here for free support services

Frontline19.com

Free and confidential service for frontline workers

Frontline19 is an independent UK nationwide service delivering psychological support to those who are, or have been on the frontline of Covid-19. We can ensure you get the right help quickly and easily. It's confidential, and it's free.

Get in touch

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Services for people in NHS or on the Frontline - Frontline19

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doctors, nurses, auxiliary staff, paramedics, ambulance drivers, midwives, social workers, care home staff, firefighters and police officers.

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Melissa Loader

Emma Barker

Lesley Copeland

Kathy McClune

Charlotte O'Donovan

Lynn Tyler

Rachael Fawcett

Andy Brown

Rachel Askey

Sarah Strike

Melissa sends out a PMA availability schedule each week. You can contact a PMA directly, or alternatively email hdft.pma@nhs.net

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How to support others you are concerned about

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How to support others you are concerned about

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R U OK? is a suicide prevention charity encouraging Australians to start life-changing conversations, when they’re needed most. Four simple steps guide you to ask “Are you OK?”, and help someone in need safely and comfortably. A conversation can change a life.

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Take a look at this Altruistic August calendar, many of these actions we already do, but some we can incorporate into our daily routine. Fill in a Greatix to say thanks? Support a colleague or student with something they are struggling with? Have a clear out of items for Our Angels event in September?

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Whatever you're going through, a Samaritan will face it with you. We're here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year

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People contact us with all sorts of concerns and what might be a small issue to you may be huge to someone else.

You could be going through something new or have been struggling to cope for some time, either way, we're here if you feel you need some extra support.

If what's getting to you isn't on this list, please still get in touch.

Common reasons people contact us are:

relationship and family problems

loss, including loss of a friend or a family member through bereavement

financial worries

job-related stress

college or study-related stress

loneliness and isolation

depression

painful and/or disabling physical illness

heavy use of or dependency on alcohol or other drugs

thoughts of suicide

We won't make decisions for you, and we'll support the decisions you make.

You are the expert on your own life. Our advice or opinions are not important.

If you want advice, we may be able to give you contact details for organisations that specialise in helping with specific problems and situations.

Calling from some landlines
All UK mobile phone networks and telephone providers have confirmed to us that Samaritans' 116 123 number is available and free to call from landlines and mobiles.

However, some offices, organisations and care homes have restrictions on the types of numbers that can be dialled; this means that if you try call us from an office phone, you might get a busy tone or message saying that it is an unrecognised number.

If you're unable to change the settings of your phone system, you can also call 116 123 for free from any UK mobile. Another option is to call 0330 094 5717 (local call charges will apply and will appear on your bill).
Has Samaritans' UK helpline number changed?
Yes, in September 2015, we launched a our new UK helpline number, 116 123. (It replaces our old UK helpline number, 08457 90 90 90.) Our listening service is exactly the same.

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Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone, on 116 123.