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Linda Janssen, a resilience, cross-cultural and transformative leadership coach, trainer, and longtime FIGT member, explains how the RAFT model-originally introduced by David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken in Third Culture Kids-can help us through changes of all kinds, including transitions induced by the current pandemic. By Linda A. Janssen [This content was originally shared by Linda during the online FIGT meetup on 14 March 2020. Her handout can be downloaded from the bottom of this page.]
One thing the globally mobile lifestyle requires from us all is to adjust to change. In Third Culture Kids: Growing up among Worlds, David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken introduced the concept of 'building a RAFT' to help ease us and our children through moves to new cultures.

RAFT stands for:

But RAFT is not only for moves across cultures. It is a change model for transitions of all kinds and can help us adjust in times of rapid change, ambiguity, even turmoil, such as what we are experiencing today.

(For full details on RAFT, please refer to Third Culture Kids, now in its third edition, by David C. Pollock, Ruth Van Reken, and Michael Pollock.)

R is for Reconciliation

Reconciliation means recognizing and acknowledging disruption, stress, tension, uncertainty, concern, turmoil, and loss associated with the evolving CoViD19 situation: within our families, our communities, our countries, worldwide.

We cannot make peace with difficulty, begin to address any negative impact on us or take steps to reduce stress if we don't take the time to identify and put words to our thoughts and feelings.

The 'Six Levels of Why' exercise helps us each identify and acknowledge our own deepest concerns and challenges within our new circumstances, in order to begin the process of reconciliation.

Acceptance is not the same as liking something, nor is it giving up or giving in. It is understanding that naming what we truly fear or stress over most is the first step in loosening its hold over us.

When we are tense or experiencing negative feelings, we can ask ourselves this simple question: How am I feeling?

Without rushing, we wait for our answer, which can be written, spoken, or simply thought.

Then we ask Why? and answer ourselves beginning with Because ... (and say what comes to mind).

It is in repeating Why? and answering with our reasons ( Because ...) multiple times that we gently drill down to the core of what is bothering us, thus setting the stage for reconciliation.

We tend to move from our conscious mind to our subconscious mind, helping to surface underlying concerns so that we may address them.

You can repeat this exercise as often as you wish, as circumstances change.

A is for Affirmation

Affirmation is appreciating and acknowledging who and what matters to us, and recognizing we can identify positives, even during challenging times.

The 'Six Levels of Why' exercise now helps us each identify and consider those little rays of light in our new circumstances. Sometimes they may feel difficult to identify, but they do exist.

We shift our question to Who/what am I thankful for? and then ask ourselves six rounds of Why? responding with Because... to mine the deeper meaning.

This helps us appreciate small positive aspects (and, yes, sometimes simply less negative aspects), so that we can acknowledge and affirm them. This is where we find the seeds of hope and gratitude.

F is for Farewells

To 'enter' well requires us to 'leave' well. Usually, we are thinking in terms of saying goodbye to the people, places, activities, and rituals that are important to us so that we avoid deep regrets for not having done so later.

Here, we may be saying goodbye to where we thought we'd be and what we thought we would be doing; we also add what opportunities or choices we no longer have, people we cannot be with, etc. While some of these might simply be postponed, others are avenues clearly closed off to us.

This is where we focus on what we're leaving behind: the way we had hoped things would be, the positives we'd been looking forward to, and as much of the negative feelings we're experiencing as we are able to.

The metaphor of releasing a balloon (or a handful of balloons) represents letting go of our losses and what 'might have been.' As in saying goodbyes to people and places, this stage can be bittersweet, but is necessary to move on in as healthy a way as possible.

T is for Think Destination

Only after reconciling, affirming, and saying farewell are we ready to turn our attention more fully to what comes next. It is important that we try not to impose undue expectations on what lies ahead, and instead remain open to what is to come.

During challenging times, it helps to think of what one or two small 'next steps' you could take to help move you along to a better place. This could mean redoubling self-care efforts, reaching out to check on or check in with someone else, giving yourself permission to do something that gives you joy (or simply makes you feel better), or even allowing yourself to take a well-needed break.

Resources

Thank you to Cath Brew of Drawn to a Story for the balloon illustration!

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As a Resilience, Cross-Cultural and Transformative Leadership coach, trainer and speaker, longtime FIGT member Linda A. Janssen helps people deal with complexity, challenge, and change. She is the author of The Emotionally Resilient Expat: Engage, Adapt and Thrive Across Cultures.

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Families in Global Transition - A RAFT for Transitioning through Uncertainty and Disruption

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Linda Janssen, a resilience, cross-cultural and transformative leadership coach, trainer, and longtime FIGT member, explains how the RAFT model-originally introduced by David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken in Third Culture Kids-can help us through changes of all kinds, including transitions induced by the current pandemic. By Linda A.

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Not everyone is born with a glass half-full worldview – or so-called optimism. Fortunately, pessimistic and optimistic thinking patterns are not ingrained within us.

According to Seligman (2006), optimism can be cultivated by challenging the negative stories we create in our minds.

This “learned optimism” can be beneficial to feel happier, and healthier, to release stress, and to increase performance and motivation.

The ABC Model, originally developed by Albert Ellis and later adapted by Martin Seligman, is an approach to help us think more optimistically. This model can be used for yourself or with your clients. Often this technique can be found in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as the approach results in restructuring beliefs through self-awareness.

This technique can be used in daily life situations – An obstacle in your way reflects Adversity. The way you think about Adversity turns into your Beliefs, which impact how you react (Consequence).
The Consequences are not inevitable since you can challenge the way you think about them (Seligman, 2006).

Seligman added the components “Disputation” and “Energization” to the original ABC model in order to not only be aware of your thinking patterns but to be able to overcome pessimistic thinking and cultivate a more optimistic outlook. To be optimistic, you have to change what you believe about yourself and the situation you are encountering. Positive beliefs result in a more positive consequence which then leads to a more positive outlook.

A practical tip for the ABC +DE Model is journaling. Track your inner dialogue for several days and listen to your thoughts and feelings when you encounter difficult situations. Write down your approach and what the “best future version of yourself” would like to enhance.

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Third Culture Kids. A great book for parents transitioning around the globe

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Third Culture Kids. A great book for parents transitioning around the globe

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Hi. As a citizen of the USA raised for thirteen years in Nigeria, I'm an adult Third Culture Kid (TCK) - that is, I, like many others, was raised for a significant portion of my childhood outside my parents' culture. My father, children, and first grandchild are TCKs/CCKs as well.

My life has been a rich one, filled with great diversity. It's very richness, however, kept me from understanding the significance of the losses a cross-cultural lifestyle filled with high mobility also includes. The loss of a home, country and land which which I dearly loved but weren't officially mine and repeated separations from family and friends left me with unrecognized, and thus unresolved, grief.

At the age of thirty-nine, I began journaling, trying to understand the full impact of my childhood. Eventually this journaling became Letters I Never Wrote , later re-published as Letters Never Sent. Through that, I not only looked at my story, but I've met and interacted with countless TCKs and adult TCKs (ATCKs) of all backgrounds and nationalities as well.

Since 1984, I've been writing and speaking on this and other topics, including the book I co-authored with Dave Pollock, Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds. This book , gives the history of the topic, the TCK Profile Dave developed which describes the benefits and challenges of the TCK experience, and many chapters on how parents and others involved with TCKs can help them maximize their gifts and grow from the challenges. These basic issues we discuss relate to TCKs from every background - be they military, international business, foreign service, or missionary kids.

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Third Culture Kids 3rd Edition: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds

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An enlightening look at the challenges of children of expatriates, missionaries, and others who grow up outside their home culture.

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Enrichment Opportunities for High School

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Enrichment Opportunities for High School

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This list has two tabs- One for enrichment opportunities during the school year and for summer enrichment opportunities.

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From the Child Mind Institute. Common signs of anxiety in children and teens.

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What Are the Signs of Anxiety? - Child Mind Institute

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Preparing for College- not just academically.

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Preparing for College- not just academically.

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From Child Mind Institute

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Tuition isn't the only thing that's relentlessly on the rise on American college campuses. Multiple studies show a significant increase in college mental health problems in the last few years, and campus counseling services report being overwhelmed with students seeking help.

Why so much emotional distress, especially during the first year away from home? Everything from academic pressure to over-protective parenting to excessive engagement in social media has been blamed for the spike in anxiety and depression.

What's clear is that adolescents making the transition from high school to college need not only academic skills to ace the classwork, and time-management skills to stay afloat, but emotional problem-solving skills to handle the challenges. As parents, we can't shadow them in the freshman dorm, but we can help supply them, before they leave home, with a toolbox of skills and habits to use when they become stressed or overwhelmed.

"What we're seeing is a lot of kids are getting through middle school and high school doing okay, but they go off to college and it's too much," says Lindsey Giller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. Some kids are just overwhelmed by organization and time management issues, increased academic pressure and managing their lives independently - the emotional roller-coaster of a new social universe.

And if they're away from home, they don't have the support network they've been used to. This is especially true of kids who find themselves on a large campus where it's difficult to get to know their professors and harder to find their social niche.

"Often the result," says Lindsay Macchia, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, "is what's called emotional dysregulation - their mood is all over the charts. What we want to figure out is what skills are going to help them re-regulate and take better control over their mood, so it doesn't get in the way of their friendships, their academics, or typical day-to-day life."

So how do we prepare our kids for the rigors and life challenges that college brings?

One increasingly popular answer is teaching them skills derived from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT was originally designed for adults with borderline personality disorder, who experience extreme emotional instability. But DBT skills are, more and more, being used successfully to treat almost any kind of emotional dysregulation.

While traditional DBT is an intensive, highly structured program, Drs. Giller and Macchia note that basic DBT skills can be adapted to help prepare incoming college students to better handle the challenges of college.

What would that look like? "Near the end of high school," explains Dr. Macchia, "parents can shift the family dynamic to encourage kids to be more independent, and practice emotional regulation and problem-solving skills for themselves." Here's how you can help.

Many of us have grown used to jumping in at the first sign that our child is distressed, to come to the rescue.

"The first thing parents should do is stop trying to fix things," says David Romano, a psychotherapist and member of Active Minds, an advocacy organization that works to encourage open discussion of mental health on college campuses, to avoid suicides. Romano, who sees a lot of college-bound adolescents, says that what teens need to hear, especially when they're feeling depressed, anxious or overwhelmed, is that "It's okay not to feel okay." The goal is to validate their feelings, but not solve their problems.

When parents notice that their teen is in distress, Dr. Giller suggests responses like:

"I see you're really struggling right now."

"I'm guessing that this is really hard for you."

"I see that thinking about this test tomorrow is making you really anxious."

And then, let them deal with the problem knowing you're there as a support net. "That can build a bridge so the teen can start thinking on their own, using their own problem-solving skills, while still feeling listened to and heard by their parent and supported in that way," says Dr. Giller.

Mindfulness, the ability to be present in the moment and to be nonjudgmental towards yourself and others, is at the core of DBT. It's learning to live in the present moment - not project into the future - without judging your thoughts and emotions. An example of a nonjudgmental reframe to reduce emotional intensity could be to think, "Wow, I didn't do as well as I wanted on that exam," rather than "I suck, I can't make it in this school" explains Dr. Giller.

Sometimes mindfulness means just stopping to notice how you're feeling internally, noticing what's around you and even taking some deep breaths before deciding how best to handle a difficult situation.

Self-care is often the first thing sacrificed in the first year away from home. Self-care involves "making sure to take care of your body in order to promote the best mood you can," Dr. Macchia says. "And so it includes making sure your sleep hygiene is as consistent as possible, that you're not staying up all night, you're limiting drugs and alcohol, getting regular exercise and healthy eating. All of it is an attempt to keep your mood as regulated as possible."

Sleep is one of the first things stressed college students sacrifice, so helping kids establish and practice good sleep habits before they leave home is crucial. It's important for college-bound students to understand that sleep deprivation can not only make academic functioning more difficult, it can also make it harder for them to exercise self-control, make good decisions and regulate their mood.

Eating habits also affect mood: the college years are when the majority of eating disorders develop, as overwhelmed students attempt to gain a sense of control by restricting their diet. Restricted eating, in turn, undermines judgment and contributes to depression.

"Taking care of themselves physically in order to take care of their mental health is one key to reducing the likelihood that unwanted emotions will flare in the first place, or become so intense they're overwhelming," says Dr. Giller.

A lot of distress can be avoided by helping kids learn to plan ahead. That means not only thinking through how they're going to get a big assignment done, and thinking carefully about how they use their time, but planning how they'll handle challenging situations. Hana, 17, is about to go off to college next year. She's done two rounds of traditional DBT and she says it's done a lot to prepare her for leaving home and college life. One of the key skills she is using to prepare is called "coping ahead."

"It's essentially just preparing yourself to be equipped to emotionally handle a certain experience," she explains. That could involve practicing what you would say in different potentially triggering scenarios. Who would you call if you were feeling depressed? What would you do if you got a bad grade?

"More than anything I think people don't like being blindsided," she said, "and this is a way to sort of expect the worst but also hope for the best. I'm expecting the worst, which is why I'm coping ahead, but I'm hoping for the best, so there's some optimism there."

Even with a good foundation in practicing time management skills and "coping ahead," there are going to be times when your teen will feel overwhelmed. But, borrowing from DBT skills, you and your child can make a plan for what to do when difficult emotions are threatening to take over. "They can come up with a written plan that includes weighing the pros and cons and thinking through consequences," says Dr. Giller. "And then they can take a picture of it on their phone and have easy access to it when they anticipate or experience something that may be challenging."

The goal is a toolbox of things to try when they are feeling highly emotional or overwhelmed - things that will make them feel better instead of spinning out of control. "It's having some things that people can really use when they feel they're on overload," Dr. Giller says. It could include specific pieces of music, going for a run, or things to touch or smell that have a calming effect.

No formal training or individual therapy is necessary for establishing good habits and coping skills, but when a parent and teen work in tandem, they can establish a strong foundation for starting college. And starting early - before there's a difficult situation to deal with - is a good idea. As Romano says, "If you don't use the skills you lose them, so it's about practicing them all the time. It's about making and maintaining mental health."

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Preparing for College Emotionally, Not Just Academically - Child Mind Institute

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With depression and anxiety on the rise, college students need emotional problem solving skills to handle the challenges of a new social and academic environment. Here are skills to teach and practice before they leave home.

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From Child Mind Institute.

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Depression is a common mental health condition that causes someone to be in a sad or irritable mood for an unusually long period of time. It's normal for children to feel down when bad things happen, but a child with depression doesn't feel better if things change. Children and teenagers who are depressed usually have trouble enjoying things they used to love and have low energy. They might think about or attempt suicide.

Depression usually begins during the teenage years, but younger kids can also be diagnosed. Girls are diagnosed twice as often as boys.

Depression can take a number of different forms. The disorders below are all forms of what experts call "unipolar depression." The term "unipolar" is used to distinguish them from bipolar depression, which involves a combination of extreme lows and highs - episodes of depression alternating with episodes of mania - and is treated differently from other forms of depression.

This is the most familiar kind of depression, in which someone experiences severe symptoms that last between two weeks and several months. An episode of depression may occur only once, but in most cases the depression will return multiple times.

The biggest sign of depression is a change in mood. A depressed child will feel sad or irritable - quick to anger over very small things - most of the time, and lose interest in things they normally enjoy.

Other symptoms include:

Feeling hopeless

Lacking energy or being tired all the time

Trouble concentrating

Poor performance or poor attendance at school

Low self-esteem or saying negative things about themselves

Eating too little or too much

Gaining or losing a lot of weight

Trouble sleeping

Thinking about or attempting suicide

Some children with depression no longer look forward to things they used to enjoy, but they can enjoy them in the moment. This is unusual and is known as atypical depression. It can trick parents, making them think their child doesn't want to cooperate when they are actually depressed.

This is a form of depression in which someone experiences the same symptoms as major depressive disorder, but in a milder form. And instead of occurring in episodes of several weeks or months, the symptoms last for a year or more. In persistent depressive disorder, the symptoms may get more or less severe at different times, but they don't go away for more than two months at a time.

Since the symptoms of persistent depressive disorder can last for years, it can appear that a downbeat mood, low self-esteem or irritability is just a part of a child or teenager's personality. But treatment can make a big difference.

DMDD is a relatively new diagnosis that is given to children who have frequent, explosive temper tantrums in reaction to things that don't seem like a big deal. In between tantrums they are irritable most of the time. They have a short fuse, and low frustration tolerance. The DMDD diagnosis recognizes that for young children, depression can look more like anger than sadness.

Symptoms of DMDD usually show up before age 10. It is not diagnosed before age six because temper tantrums are normal for young kids. To be diagnosed with DMDD a child must have major temper tantrums three or more times a week on average. This behavior has to show up when the child is with family, friends and teachers- if it's only in one situation it's probably not DMDD.

Unlike kids with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) these kids aren't focused on defying authority. They act out because they experience feelings more powerfully than other kids, and they lack self-regulation skills.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a condition that affects some women and girls in the week before their period, when hormones spike. Symptoms are similar to PMS but so severe that they have a serious impact on daily life. While PMS may be troubling, a girl with PMDD is likely to experience feelings closer to a major depressive episode.

Girls with PMDD might feel depressed, anxious or angry. They may cry for little or no reason. They may also have trouble concentrating and staying on task. They may feel overwhelmed, and worried that everyone is mad or unhappy with them. Physical symptoms like cramps, headaches, body aches and tender breasts are common.

Symptoms typically start 5-8 days before their period but can begin earlier, and they go away once the period begins. Onset of PMDD can be any time after puberty.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that comes and goes with changes of seasons. It has all the same symptoms as major depressive disorder, but it only happens during specific months of the year. The technical name for it is "major depressive disorder with seasonal pattern."

Most people who experience seasonal affective disorder get depressed in the fall and winter - possibly because getting less sunlight in the winter affects brain chemicals that impact mood and energy levels. But for some people, depressive episodes are triggered by summer.

To be considered signs of SAD, the symptoms can't be related to something that happens during the time period when they appear, such as events at home or school during the winter.

Treatment can be very effective for children and teenagers struggling with depression. It includes both medication and several different kinds of therapy.

Many clinicians recommend that if a child is taking antidepressant medication they should also be participating in therapy. Medication can reduce symptoms of depression, but therapy teaches kids skills to manage their moods and cope in a healthy way with uncomfortable feelings.

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What Are the Kinds of Depression? - Child Mind Institute

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Depression in kids takes the form of a sad or irritable mood that lasts a long time. But there are several kinds of depression. Learn what they are and how to recognize them.

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How to change negative thinking patterns?

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How to change negative thinking patterns?

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How to Change Negative Thinking Patterns - Child Mind Institute

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Unhealthy, negative thinking patterns called cognitive distortions can contribute to depression, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation. How to identify them.

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How to talk to your teen about substance abuse

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How to talk to your teen about substance abuse

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From Child Mind Institute.

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Adolescence is a tricky time. Teenagers are just beginning to establish their identities and this often means testing the limits of parental controls. When it comes to drugs and alcohol, pushing the boundaries can lead to dangerous territory.

Setting clear rules about substance use helps give teens the structure they need to stay safe. Let's be realistic: You can't guarantee that your rules won't be broken. But research shows that kids who have clear rules are less likely to get into serious trouble than kids who don't. Even when the rules are broken, teens whose parents have clearly outlined what is and isn't acceptable are less likely to run to extremes and more likely to make safer choices.

So you need to have the talk, but for a lot of parents initiating a potentially difficult conversation is daunting. A few guidelines can help get the ball rolling and make for a smoother, more productive experience for all.

Springing a serious conversation on your teenager can make her feel ambushed and defensive. Give her a heads up before hand and make sure to be clear about what the conversation will entail, so everyone can be on the same page. "Tomorrow night let's have a talk about drinking and drugs. You're not in trouble. I just want to talk about where we stand and hear any concerns you might be having."

Clearly spell out your rules and the specific consequences of breaking them. Avoiding ambiguity lets your teenager know where you stand, and research shows that kids tend to be safer when parents set limits. And for kids who are being pressured to do something they aren't comfortable with, it can make it easier for them if they know they can use their parents as an excuse for saying no.

Be very clear about your reasons for prohibiting substance use. Teenagers are often ordered to do things without being given a clear reason why and by explaining yourself you're inviting them to have a more open, adult conversation.

The potential consequences of drinking and using drugs are real. Any kind of experimentation is illegal when you're a teenager, and it's dangerous.

Be honest and rational. Obviously, some illegal substances are more dangerous than others. Heroin is more perilous than pot. But any substance can be harmful: one beer is intoxicating but 10 beers could be deadly.

And any substance use impairs judgment and kids are more likely to find themselves in problematic and potentially dangerous situations like driving drunk or having unwanted or risky sexual encounters. It can affect them in school, too. If they get caught it could go on their record-something they won't want when they're applying to colleges-and if they play sports they could be cut from the team.

Speak to your kids the way you'd like to be spoken to. Teenagers are acutely sensitive to condescension, and it's important to remember that at the end of the day they are the ones who will make the final decisions. Treat them like the adults you want them to become. By showing respect you're modeling good behavior and letting them know you expect them to act responsibly, not just for your sake, but for their own as well.

Give kids a chance to express their concerns and feelings. They may have been hoping for a chance to ask questions or check in about something troubling. Opening an equal, active dialogue will increase the chances that your teen will feel comfortable being honest with you in the future.

Parents sometimes feel hypocritical hiding their own experiences. If your daughter asks if you've ever tried drugs, you can choose to keep your experiences private (not everything in your history needs to be available to your kids) or to share them, but don't reminisce or otherwise glamorize your experiences. You can also explain that as a parent, it's your job to help them avoid things they will regret, and substance use definitely increases the chances of doing something you will regret.

What we want, first and foremost, is for kids to be safe. Being open and honest with your kids about drugs encourages them to reciprocate. One way to create safeguards for your teen is to have an "amnesty policy."

In an amnesty situation, your child can call and ask for help without incurring the regular repercussions they might have if they tried to hide their behavior. Amnesty policies keep kids safe and encourage them to make appropriate choices without letting them off the hook.

For example: If your child (or their designated driver) is drunk at a party and they want to leave, they can call you and ask for a ride or cab fare instead of putting themselves at risk. They'd then be allowed to come home and go to bed without yelling or grounding. In the morning, you and them could have a talk about their drinking and safety.

Talking to your teen about substance abuse should be a process, not a single event. Risk factors for substance use can change and multiply as teenagers weather the trials and pressures of adolescence. Keep an eye out for changes in your child's mood and demeanor, shifting peer groups, and other signs that it might be time to check in about their safety and your expectations.

Make sure they know your conversation is an open-ended one and that it's a two-way street - "I'm going to be checking in with you about this sometimes, and if you have any questions or concerns, you can always ask me, too." Keeping the lines of communication open will help you and your teenager feel engaged and safe during a potentially turbulent time.

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How to Talk to Your Teen About Substance Use - Child Mind Institute

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Research shows that clear rules help keep kids safe. How to talk to your teen about substance use and what to do - for parents and caregivers.

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Quick Guide to Executive Functioning Skills

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Quick Guide to Executive Functioning Skills

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What are executive functions?

Executive functions are skills that we all use every day to organize our lives and get things done. Executive functions include setting goals and priorities, making and following plans, remembering information, managing time, organizing possessions, and staying on top of tasks.

Some children have difficulty with executive functions. Even though they may be very intelligent, these kids struggle with things like staying organized and keeping up in school.

Executive functioning issues are most common in children with ADHD. Kids without ADHD can struggle with executive functioning as well.

What are the symptoms of executive function issues?

If a child struggles with executive functions, they will have trouble with organization, schoolwork, and time management. Signs include:

Organization issues:

Often losing or forgetting important items

Seeming unable to keep their room, desk or locker clean

Time management issues:

Often being late due to disorganization or poor planning

Trouble moving from one activity to the next

Challenges in school with:

Memorizing facts

Keeping track of important information

Organizing ideas in writing

Solving multi-step problems

Finishing and turning in homework

How are executive function issues diagnosed?

A neuropsychological evaluation is the best way to diagnose an executive function problem. The professional will speak to parents, teachers and other adults in the child's life. They will also observe and test the child.

It is helpful for a learning specialist at the child's school to observe them in class first to help decide if an evaluation is necessary.

How are executive function problems treated?

Executive function weaknesses are treated with the help of teachers, psychologists and learning specialists.

The school psychologist and the child's teacher should work together to create a plan to support the child. The plan should focus on the child's strengths and also give them help where needed.

A learning specialist can help children learn systems to build executive function skills. Kids can learn to use checklists, planners and other organizational and time management tools.

This guide was last reviewed or updated on February 23, 2023.

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Quick Guide to Executive Function Issues in Kids - Child Mind Institute

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Download our free guide to executive function issues in kids. Children with executive function weaknesses may struggle stay organized, manage their time and keep up with schoolwork.

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Every parent knows schoolyard friendships are important. Friends enrich our lives, boost our self-esteem, and provide the moral support we need when we're memorizing multiplication tables. Developmentally speaking, making a friend in school is every bit as important as getting an A. Learning how to form successful peer relationships is a critical skill for kids, and one that they will be using-and refining-all their lives.

But some kids have a harder time fitting in. Cornerstones of childhood interaction, like sharing a toy or engaging in make-believe, might elude them. While parents can't make friends for their children, they can help them develop and practice key social skills. If you see your child struggling to make friends or getting rejected by other kids, here are some steps you can take to help.

Building social skills

Social skills don't come naturally to all kids. Impulsive and hyperactive children often act in ways that stymie their strong desire for friendship, notes Mary Rooney, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and disruptive behavior disorders. They often have trouble taking turns and controlling their anger when they don't get their way. More inattentive kids may act flighty or hover at the margins of playgroups, unsure of how to assert themselves.

If you notice that your child is struggling to interact with their peers, try some coaching at home. Emphasize taking turns and sharing during family playtime and explain that friends expect the same good behavior. Impulsive children will also benefit from practicing different strategies for settling peer conflict. Role playing can be very helpful here. Of course, as a parent you should also be careful to model good social behavior yourself when talking to family members and your own friends.

For kids who need more intensive guidance, experts suggest using "social scripts," or simple everyday conversations that kids can practice with their parents. You can work with your child's doctor or behavioral therapist to select appropriate scripts and develop a strategy for rehearsing and implementing them. Social scripts are especially helpful for children on the autism spectrum who need to deliberately learn key social skills, such as establishing eye contact and responding to the moods of others.

Finally, if your child has been having a hard time making friends, Dr. Rooney suggests setting up a meeting with their teacher. "Often kids will say 'everyone hates me,' but they may not be able to describe what's going on." Teachers can give a better sense of your child's peer interactions and suggest more positive classmates for after-school playdates.

Supervised playdates are a great way for children to build their social muscles. Dr. Rooney suggests that parents spend some time before playdates reviewing social cues with their children. Some activities for playdate-prep include:

Talk with your child about what it means to be a good host. What will your child do to make their guests feel comfortable?

Have your child pick out a few games in advance. How will your child know when it's time to move on to the next game?

Ask your child how they'll know if guests are having a good time. Are they smiling? Laughing?

As long as the children don't veer into play that's outright dangerous, let the playdate unfold as it may, recommends Jamie Howard, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, which is why it's so important to let them practice socializing in a warm, supportive setting.

And when you review how it went, focus on the good behaviors you want to reinforce. "Kids are more motivated by praise than by avoiding criticism," says Dr. Howard. "Specific, labeled praise is most helpful. Instead of 'good job,' say, 'you shared very well with your friend.'"

Helping shy kids

Some kids are natural social butterflies while others need more time to warm up to new situations. Don't worry if your child is a little more hesitant in social situations. Expecting every child to jump in and be the leader of the group isn't realistic, so avoid pushing too hard. However, parents shouldn't make the mistake of keeping more tentative kids at home, either. Rachel Busman, PsyD, a psychologist who works with anxious kids, explains, "There's a difference between accommodating and enabling. For shyer kids we want to give them opportunities to meet new kids, but we want to help bridge the transition so they aren't too uncomfortable."

Dr. Busman suggests planning playdates at your house first, where your child will be most at ease. Clubs or other activities are also a good way to make friends because they provide built-in structure that helps minimize anxiety. If your child is reluctant to try something new, suggest inviting a friend they're already comfortable with to join in. As with any social skill, parents can help shy kids rehearse ahead of time for a situation that makes them nervous, like going to a birthday party or meeting a new group of people.

Every child is different

Dr. Busman notes there is also a difference between children who are shy and children who are simply more introverted and prefer spending their down time reading or drawing by themselves. "Different children in the same family can have different social limits and degrees of comfort. A child who prefers quiet time or being in small groups isn't necessarily avoiding other kids." But it's essential that more introverted children still get opportunities to make friends. Dr. Busman recommends knowing how much your child can handle and setting expectations accordingly. It's enough for some kids to find just one thing they like to do once a week.

Finally, it's important that parents not place too many of their own social expectations on children. Dr. Rooney advises keeping things in perspective. "Kids need just one or two good friends. You don't have to worry about them being the most popular kid in their class."

How can you help your child make friends?

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Kids Who Need a Little Help to Make Friends - Child Mind Institute

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What parents can do when kids struggle with social skills. How to help kids who need a little help to make friends and develop friendships.

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Many parents worry about how exposure to technology might affect toddlers developmentally. We know our preschoolers are picking up new social and cognitive skills at a stunning pace, and we don't want hours spent glued to an iPad to impede that. But adolescence is an equally important period of rapid development, and too few of us are paying attention to how our teenagers' use of technology - much more intense and intimate than a 3-year-old playing with dad's iPhone - is affecting them. In fact, experts worry that the social media and text messages that have become so integral to teenage life are promoting anxiety and lowering self-esteem.

Young people report that there might be good reason to worry. A survey conducted by the Royal Society for Public Health asked 14-24-year-olds in the UK how social media platforms impacted their health and well-being. The survey results found that Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all led to increased feelings of depression, anxiety, poor body image, and loneliness.

Indirect communication

Teens are masters at keeping themselves occupied in the hours after school until way past bedtime. When they're not doing their homework (and when they are) they're online and on their phones, texting, sharing, trolling, scrolling, you name it. Of course before everyone had an Instagram account teens kept themselves busy, too, but they were more likely to do their chatting on the phone, or in person when hanging out at the mall. It may have looked like a lot of aimless hanging around, but what they were doing was experimenting, trying out skills, and succeeding and failing in tons of tiny real-time interactions that kids today are missing out on. For one thing, modern teens are learning to do most of their communication while looking at a screen, not another person.

"As a species we are very highly attuned to reading social cues," says Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, a clinical psychologist and author of The Big Disconnect. "There's no question kids are missing out on very critical social skills. In a way, texting and online communicating puts everybody in a context where body language, facial expression, and even the smallest kinds of vocal reactions are rendered invisible."

Lowering the risks

Certainly speaking indirectly creates a barrier to clear communication, but that's not all. Learning how to make friends is a major part of growing up, and friendship requires a certain amount of risk-taking. This is true for making a new friend, but it's also true for maintaining friendships. When there are problems that need to be faced - big ones or small ones - it takes courage to be honest about your feelings and then hear what the other person has to say. Learning to effectively cross these bridges is part of what makes friendship fun and exciting, and also scary. "Part of healthy self-esteem is knowing how to say what you think and feel even when you're in disagreement with other people or it feels emotionally risky," notes Dr. Steiner-Adair.

But when friendship is conducted online and through texts, kids are doing this in a context stripped of many of the most personal - and sometimes intimidating - aspects of communication. It's easier to keep your guard up when you're texting, so less is at stake. You aren't hearing or seeing the effect that your words are having on the other person. Because the conversation isn't happening in real time, each party can take more time to consider a response. No wonder kids say calling someone on the phone is "too intense"- it requires more direct communication, and if you aren't used to that it may well feel scary.

If kids aren't getting enough practice relating to people and getting their needs met in person and in real time, many of them will grow up to be adults who are anxious about our species' primary means of communication - talking. And of course social negotiations only get riskier as people get older and begin navigating romantic relationships and employment.

Cyberbullying and the imposter syndrome

The other big danger that comes from kids communicating more indirectly is that it has gotten easier to be cruel. "Kids text all sorts of things that you would never in a million years contemplate saying to anyone's face," says Donna Wick, EdD, a clinical and developmental psychologist. She notes that this seems to be especially true of girls, who typically don't like to disagree with each other in "real life."

"You hope to teach them that they can disagree without jeopardizing the relationship, but what social media is teaching them to do is disagree in ways that are more extreme and do jeopardize the relationship. It's exactly what you don't want to have happen," she says.

Dr. Steiner-Adair agrees that girls are particularly at risk. "Girls are socialized more to compare themselves to other people, girls in particular, to develop their identities, so it makes them more vulnerable to the downside of all this." She warns that a lack of solid self-esteem is often to blame. "We forget that relational aggression comes from insecurity and feeling awful about yourself, and wanting to put other people down so you feel better."

Peer acceptance is a big thing for adolescents, and many of them care about their image as much as a politician running for office, and to them it can feel as serious. Add to that the fact that kids today are getting actual polling data on how much people like them or their appearance via things like "likes." It's enough to turn anyone's head. Who wouldn't want to make themselves look cooler if they could? So kids can spend hours pruning their online identities, trying to project an idealized image. Teenage girls sort through hundreds of photos, agonizing over which ones to post online. Boys compete for attention by trying to out-gross one other, pushing the envelope as much as they can in the already disinhibited atmosphere online. Kids gang up on each other.

Adolescents have always been doing this, but with the advent of social media they are faced with more opportunities - and more traps - than ever before. When kids scroll through their feeds and see how great everyone seems, it only adds to the pressure. We're used to worrying about the impractical ideals that photoshopped magazine models give to our kids, but what happens with the kid next door is photoshopped, too? Even more confusing, what about when your own profile doesn't really represent the person that you feel like you are on the inside?

"Adolescence and the early twenties in particular are the years in which you are acutely aware of the contrasts between who you appear to be and who you think you are," says Dr. Wick. "It's similar to the 'imposter syndrome' in psychology. As you get older and acquire more mastery, you begin to realize that you actually are good at some things, and then you feel that gap hopefully narrow. But imagine having your deepest darkest fear be that you aren't as good as you look, and then imagine needing to look that good all the time! It's exhausting."

As Dr. Steiner-Adair explains, "Self-esteem comes from consolidating who you are." The more identities you have, and the more time you spend pretending to be someone you aren't, the harder it's going to be to feel good about yourself.

Stalking (and being ignored)

Another big change that has come with new technology and especially smart phones is that we are never really alone. Kids update their status, share what they're watching, listening to, and reading, and have apps that let their friends know their specific location on a map at all times. Even if a person isn't trying to keep his friends updated, he's still never out of reach of a text message. The result is that kids feel hyperconnected with each other. The conversation never needs to stop, and it feels like there's always something new happening.

"Whatever we think of the 'relationships' maintained and in some cases initiated on social media, kids never get a break from them," notes Dr. Wick. "And that, in and of itself, can produce anxiety. Everyone needs a respite from the demands of intimacy and connection; time alone to regroup, replenish and just chill out. When you don't have that, it's easy to become emotionally depleted, fertile ground for anxiety to breed."

It's also surprisingly easy to feel lonely in the middle of all that hyperconnection. For one thing, kids now know with depressing certainty when they're being ignored. We all have phones and we all respond to things pretty quickly, so when you're waiting for a response that doesn't come, the silence can be deafening. The silent treatment might be a strategic insult or just the unfortunate side effect of an online adolescent relationship that starts out intensely but then fades away.

"In the old days when a boy was going to break up with you, he had to have a conversation with you. Or at least he had to call," says Dr. Wick. "These days he might just disappear from your screen, and you never get to have the 'What did I do?' conversation." Kids are often left imagining the worst about themselves.

But even when the conversation doesn't end, being in a constant state of waiting can still provoke anxiety. We can feel ourselves being put on the back burner, we put others back there, and our very human need to communicate is effectively delegated there, too.

What should parents do?

Both experts interviewed for this article agreed that the best thing parents can do to minimize the risks associated with technology is to curtail their own consumption first. It's up to parents to set a good example of what healthy device usage looks like. Most of us check our phones or our email too much, out of either real interest or nervous habit. Kids should be used to seeing our faces, not our heads bent over a screen. Establish technology-free zones in the house and technology-free hours when no one uses the phone, including mom and dad. "Don't walk in the door after work in the middle of a conversation," Dr. Steiner-Adair advises. "Don't walk in the door after work, say 'hi' quickly, and then 'just check your email.' In the morning, get up a half hour earlier than your kids and check your email then. Give them your full attention until they're out the door. And neither of you should be using phones in the car to or from school because that's an important time to talk."

Not only does limiting the amount of time you spend plugged in to computers provide a healthy counterpoint to the tech-obsessed world, it also strengthens the parent-child bond and makes kids feel more secure. Kids need to know that you are available to help them with their problems, talk about their day, or give them a reality check.

"It is the mini-moments of disconnection, when parents are too focused on their own devices and screens, that dilute the parent-child relationship," Dr. Steiner-Adair warns. And when kids start turning to the internet for help or to process whatever happened during the day, you might not like what happens. "Tech can give your children more information that you can, and it doesn't have your values," notes Dr. Steiner-Adair. "It won't be sensitive to your child's personality, and it won't answer his question in a developmentally appropriate way."

In addition Dr. Wick advises delaying the age of first use as much as possible. "I use the same advice here that I use when talking about kids and alcohol - try to get as far as you can without anything at all." If your child is on a social media platform, Dr. Wick says that you should friend them and monitor their page. But she advises against going through text messages unless there is cause for concern. "If you have a reason to be worried then okay, but it better be a good reason. I see parents who are just plain old spying on their kids. Parents should begin by trusting their children. To not even give your kid the benefit of the doubt is incredibly damaging to the relationship. You have to feel like your parents think you're a good kid."

Offline, the gold standard advice for helping kids build healthy self-esteem is to get them involved in something that they're interested in. It could be sports or music or taking apart computers or volunteering - anything that sparks an interest and gives them confidence. When kids learn to feel good about what they can do instead of how they look and what they own, they're happier and better prepared for success in real life. That most of these activities also involve spending time interacting with peers face-to-face is just the icing on the cake.

Frequently Asked Questions

How does social media affect behavior negatively?

How does social media affect social skills?

How does social media affect teenagers' mental health?

Is social media harmful?

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How Using Social Media Affects Teenagers - Child Mind Institute

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How does social media affect teens? Experts say kids are growing up with more anxiety and less self-esteem due to social media. Read advice for parents from specialists in our article.

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Dougy Center - Resources for Parents & Caregivers

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Dougy Center - Resources for Parents & Caregivers

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This site also has resources for kids & teens as well.

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Grief Support for Parents & Caregivers | Dougy Center

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We offer resources for the kids in your life who are grieving the death of a sibling, parent, or other caregiver, plus support for yourself.

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Inside: A child therapist's favorite ways to help kids learn to take a deep breath, including quick explanations and videos of deep breathing techniques.
Have you ever told a kid to take a deep breath, and then they start hyperventilating? Or they breathe in, but don't breathe out?
Sometimes, kids may need a little more help to figure out how to properly take a deep breath.
First, let's review why deep breathing matters.

When you are calm, your body is in what is known as "rest and digest" mode. Your breathing is normal, your muscles are relaxed, and your heart rate is normal. It's how you would be when you're watching a show and relaxing.

But then suddenly, a dinosaur is chasing you!!

When you experience a stressful event (like an unexpected dinosaur in your living room), your body automatically goes into what is known as "flight, fight or freeze" mode. Your heart rate increases, your stomach stops digestion, and your breathing becomes more shallow.

The goal of calming exercises is to get yourself from "flight, fight or freeze" mode back to "rest and digest" mode. Deep breathing helps get more oxygen into your bloodstream, opening up your capillaries. It has a physical effect on your body to help you calm down and lower stress.

So deep breathing does make a big difference for kids. But how can we teach them to take a deep breath properly?
Here are some of my favorite ways to introduce deep breathing! Quick note: The breathing we want kids to do is deep belly breaths, not shallow chest breaths. When they breathe in, their belly should expand, and when they breathe out, their belly should contract.
Use bubbles

Blowing gently to create bubbles is a good way to be playful and breathe deeply. Kids have to blow carefully and slowly to make the bubbles, which is a major reason why I like using it to help kids take deep breaths.

Use a stuffed animal to practice deep breathing

Have your child lay down on their back and put a stuffed animal on their belly. Have them breathe in and move the stuffed animal up, then breathe out and bring the stuffed animal back down. This helps teach kids to use their belly to take big deep breaths. Another alternative is to use a weighted stuffed animal.

Use a pinwheel

Kids can practice breathing out slowly or more quickly, using the speed of the pinwheel as a measure. Then they can figure out which way works and feels best for them.

Use a Feather

Get some colored feathers and pick out one feather to use. It could be a color that they love or one that makes them feel calm. Breathe in and hold it for a count of 3, then breathe out going up on one side of the feather and down the other side.

Hoberman Sphere

Breathe in and expand the sphere, breathe out and push the sphere back in (this mirrors what should be happening to their belly) - Watch the video on YouTube!

DIY Crafts

Make a craft using half a paper plate, crepe paper or ribbons. Have kids blow the crepe paper or ribbons as they take deep breaths.

Materials Needed:

1. Paper plate - cut in half
2. crepe paper - cut into 6" - 8" strips, cut in half
3. yarn or string
4. any other embellishments to make the creature (use what you have on hand)

Attach the crepe paper to the flat bottom of the paper plate. Attach yarn/string to the top center of the curved part of the paper plate as a hanger.Have kids decorate the paper plate any way they want, as a monster, or a creature, or with stickers.

To Use: hang up the creature and have kids blow on the crepe paper to get it to move.

OTHER DIY ACTIVITIES
Floating Ball Activity from All For The Boys Fire Breathing Dragon Craft by BABYCCINO
TRIANGLE Breathing

Start at the bottom left of the triangle.

Breathe in for three counts as you trace the first side of the triangle.

Hold your breath for three counts as you trace the second side of the triangle.

Breathe out for three counts as you trace the final side of the triangle. You have just completed one deep breath.

SQUARE BReathing

Start at the bottom right of the square

Breathe in for four counts as you trace the first side of the square

Hold your breath for four counts as you trace the second side of the square

Breathe out for four counts as you trace the third side of the square

Hold your breath for four counts as you trace the final side of the square

You just completed one deep breath!

STAR BREATHING

Start at any "Breathe In" side on the star.

Trace your finger over the "breathe in" side of the point

Hold your breath when your finger gets to the tip of the point

Breathe out as you trace your finger over the other side of the point.

Keep going until you reach where you started.

When you trace the whole star, you will have completed 5 deep breaths

Start with the eight on its side and start in the middle

Go up to the left and trace the left part of the 8 with your finger while you breathe in.

When you get to the middle of the eight again, breathe out while you trace the right part of the 8 with your finger.

6 Sided Breathing

Start at the left hand side of the hexagon.

Trace your finger over the "breathe in" side as you take a deep breath in.

Hold your breath as you trace the second side of the hexagon.

Breathe out as you trace the third side of the hexagon.

Then repeat for the bottom part of the hexagon.

Breathe in like a flower, breathe out like you are blowing out birthday candles.

Breathe in blue sky, Breathe out gray skies.

Pretend your belly is like a balloon. Breathe in and make the balloon bigger, then breathe out and make the balloon shrink.

Smell the soup, cool the soup or smell the hot cocoa, cool the hot cocoa

Darth Vader Breathing - Pretend you have a straw in your mouth, suck in through the straw and breathe in. Breathe out like Darth Vader.

Ocean Breathing - breathe in and imagine the wave rolling in, breathe out and imagine the wave rolling out.

Color breathing - Breathe in and imagine a calm, happy, positive color. Breathe out and imagine a color that represents stress, anxiety, etc. leaving your body.

Soft Belly - Say to yourself "soft" as you breathe in and "belly" as you breathe out.

Whale breath

Sitting criss-cross applesauce, sit up tall and take a deep breathe in, Hold it while you count to 5 with your fingers then tilt head up to blow it out of blowhole. You can also put your hands up on top of head to create the blow hole to "blow" out.

Snake Breath

Breathe in, pause briefly, then breathe out slowly while you make a hissing sound for as long as you can.

Bunny Breath

You can do this breathing either while sitting, or add movement to it.

Sitting version - make "bunny" hands in front of chest and take quick sniffs like a bunny.

Movement version - start in a squat and hop forward while taking quick bunny sniffs.

Bumblebee Breath

Breathe in and pretend you are smelling a flower. As you breathe out, make humming bee sound. Try different ways of making the sound - longer or shorter, high or low sounds.

5 - 5 - 10 breathing

Breathe in for 5, hold for 5 and breathe out for 10.

7-11 breathing

Breathe in for 7, exhale for 11.

Count to 10

Using Your Hand to Take a Deep Breath aka Mountain Breathing

Put up one hand, palm facing out and fingers spread apart. Place the index finger of your other hand at the base of your thumb and breathe in while you move your finger up one side of your thumb. Move your finger down the other side of your thumb and breathe out. Do the same thing with the remaining four fingers, and take deep breaths in and out as you move your finger. After you've reached the second side of your pinky finger, you'll have done 5 complete deep breaths.

You can also do this with a close friend or trusted adult. Have them spread their hand out and use your finger to trace their hand and do deep breaths. Or do the opposite: spread your hand out and have them use their finger and trace yours. You can do deep breaths together!

Hands to Shoulders

Sometimes you breathe from your chest instead of your belly, but it's hard to notice. This is an easy way to figure out if you are moving your chest or your belly when you're breathing. While sitting or standing, put your hands down by your sides. Then bend your arms at your elbows and place them on the front of your shoulders. Try taking a deep breath. If your shoulders are moving a lot, focus more on taking breaths using your belly.

Rainbow breathing

Arms start at the side of your body; arms go up as you breathe in and go down as you breathe out (arms make a rainbow) - Watch the video on Youtube!

Volcano Breaths

Pretend your hands and arms are like lava flowing from a volcano. Start with your hands in front of your heart, with palms touching. Keeping your hands together, reach straight up and breathe in. Separate your hands and move your arms down to your side and breathe out.

Explosion Breaths

Start in a standing position. Breathe in as you crouch down. Then, jump up, spreading your arms and legs as you breathe out.

Nostril Breathing/Cowabunga Breathing

Block one nostril, breathe in for 5, block the other nostril, breathe out for 5.

Wood Chopper Breathing

Standing tall with legs hip distance apart. Clasp hands together and raise your arms above your head. Breathe in through nose. Exhale and pull your hands down toward your legs as you say "HA" to "chop" wood
Mindful Arts in the Classroom Breathing Cards Sesame Street Belly Breathe Video

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Deep Breathing Exercises for Kids - Coping Skills for Kids

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Inside: A child therapist's favorite ways to help kids learn to take a deep breath, including quick explanations and videos of deep breathing techniques. Have you ever told a kid to take a deep breath, and then they start hyperventilating? Or they breathe in, but don't breathe out?

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Some apps that can be helpful to manage your stress and anxiety. Click on the icon to access the link

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Some apps that can be helpful to manage your stress and anxiety. Click on the icon to access the link

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Strategies to calm and bring you in the moment

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Strategies to calm and bring you in the moment

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Sign up at Character lab and get small tips around how to support our children

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Sign up at Character lab and get small tips around how to support our children

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James Gross, a professor of psychology and expert on emotion regulation at Stanford University, talked to us about what parents can do to help teenagers with Teenagers sometimes resist input from mom or dad about how to live their lives. Do teens need parents? self-control What can parents do to help teenagers avoid self-sabotage? . Here are a few highlights: What are some dos and don'ts for parents trying to help their teenagers achieve their goals?
Absolutely. A teenager might say, "I'd like to get great grades this term." But then their behavior isn't aligned with that. In fact, you may notice they're doing the opposite of what they need to do to get great grades. Instead of studying, they're playing video games and texting. They're staying up too late instead of getting enough sleep. In other words, teenagers, like the rest of us, sometimes self-sabotage: They say they want one thing, but their behavior points in a completely different direction.

As parents, we can see what's going on in their lives from a place of clarity. That perspective can be really helpful. For instance, on their own, without you, your son or daughter may not do so well at finding the balance between having fun with their friends, on the one hand, versus studying and being productive on the other.

Don't get into antagonistic interactions right after school. Instead, pay attention to your own emotions and notice when you're most likely to be patient and helpful rather than impatient and snappy.
What if my kids never bring up their problems?
Don't try to talk about homework or whatever else you know should get done when your kid is telling you how their day went. You're missing the opportunity for them to open up and really connect with you, maybe tell you about something that they're upset about. If they're trying to do that, and you say, "Tell me about your homework," they'll think, "Wow, I feel totally unheard. Dad's getting on my case without even listening to me."

Do make yourself available. For instance, I literally make sure my home office door is open when my kids come home. An open door tells them I can be interrupted.

One practice that my wife and I found to be helpful was to have regularly scheduled check-ins with each of our kids once or twice a week. Basically, we would just have a conversation about whatever was on their minds, whether it was relationships with their siblings or what was going on in school or with their extracurriculars. We'd build an agenda together, like you would for any business meeting.

Let's say I saw in the school portal that my kid didn't do well on a math test. My wife and I might say, "Hey, are there some things on your mind that you want to check in about? From our side, it would be really nice to check in on how things are going in math. Our sense is, that hasn't been the easiest thing for you these past few weeks."

And then, of course, we really listened. The nice thing about scheduled check-ins is that you're talking about issues before they become a crisis. As a parent, you want to build routines for talking with your kids about what matters to them and to you.

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Likes, selfies and self-promotion (short film)

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Likes, selfies and self-promotion (short film)

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Likes, selfies and self-promotion - The hidden dangers of social media | DW Documentary

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Simon Sinek talks about the impact of Technology.

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Simon Sinek talks about the impact of Technology.

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This Is Why You Don't Succeed | Simon Sinek on The Millennial Generation

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How your brain changes with social media

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How your brain changes with social media

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Social media addiction - how it changes your brain | Luke Burgis | Big Think

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12 top social media sites - quick overview

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12 top social media sites - quick overview

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Disclosure: When you purchase a product or a service through our website, we earn a small commission - read more

Just as human beings are active socially in real life, so they are in the world of computers and mobile phones. People walk around with eyes glued to their screens constantly checking social media apps for updates to find out what their friends are doing.

Social media is not just all about chatting to friends and family. It can be put to good use by businesses and companies. Link a Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter platform to your business and you can promote what you are selling. Social media is used by companies the world over to attract more visitors and it works. While some social media sites are more popular than others, such as Facebook, there are many out there.

Why Are Social Media Sites So Popular?

Before going onto my list of some of the many sites and apps out to choose from in relation to social media and sharing, I want to talk about why these sites are so popular.

So what draws millions of people to join and participate in the following sites? When I began researching into social media sites, I found the actual numbers of people using the sites staggering. For instance, Facebook alone is said to have upwards of 900,000,000 unique active users. Twitter was close behind it with around 310,000,000 monthly visitors. This is a staggering number of people and only two social media sites, the mind boggles.

Social Media Channels Give People a Voice

One of the main reasons why social media is so popular is that it gives people a voice. They can speak out to millions of people from around the world they otherwise would not have access. For businesses, this is a lifeline. Online businesses can attract customers from around the world, not just their own country, just by posting on social media.

Often families live apart, some millions of miles apart in separate countries. Social media can be a valuable lifeline, a bridge. It fills the void and brings people closer together. Many years ago, there were only letters. Today social media sites allow people to send messages instantly, talk online and even have voice and video calls. People millions of miles apart are brought together through the power of social media.

Social media platforms allow employers and employees to get together. It allows businesses to communicate new ideas and so much more.

Here I want to introduce you to more than 60 social media sites and apps. As the list is so long, I am going to split them up.

List of Social Media Websites

Now let's take a look in details to each social media network, and start with the most popular:

1. Facebook

Facebook is without a doubt one of the most popular of all social apps with apps being available for Android, iOS, Windows and many other systems. To obtain a Facebook account you have to be at least 13 and have an email address that is valid.

Facebook was the first of the social media sites to reach 1 billion users and the number of people making accounts just keeps on rising. Facebook is perhaps so popular because it allows friends and relatives to keep in touch by updating timelines and sending messages. However, I also use Facebook for business and for selling online. I promote my business and make use of Facebook ads. Facebook is used to post comments, photos, videos, and other content, all of which can be shared with friends and family and anyone who chooses to add a user as a friend.

Friend requests can be sent out to people and there is a search option for searching for people you have lost touch with. It is a great and popular way of keeping in touch and there are numerous options for customization of the users Facebook page.

Facebook is thought of as one of the first social media sites to come into existence and it was the brainchild of a group of friends. They made the social media app in a dorm room in college with the name of The Facebook. It is thought that today Facebook now has a net worth of $24 billion.

2. WhatsApp

WhatsApp is another popular choice of social media apps. This is not surprising as it belongs to Facebook. The instant messaging platform is independent of Facebook and has attracted plenty of users. The social media platform is fast, it is easy to use and messaging people through the app is free.

I like WhatsApp because along with being able to message people I can also call them through the app. Just as with Facebook, there are about one billion users per month using the app. WhatsApp is available on Android phones, Windows phone, and iPhone, Windows PC and Mac.

There is also a WhatsApp business available for companies and businesses to keep in touch. Small business owners can show off their products, tag their business under a category, list their shop address, and telephone number. They can also add a description of the business and opening hours. Businesses can label contacts so finding them is easy and the app offers quick replies for fast messaging. Another useful addition is messaging statistics. I like this inclusion as it allows me to see the messages that were sent, delivered, and more importantly, read. The business app is available for Android devices.

3. Tumblr

Tumblr is another of the most popular social media apps and has been in the hands and since 2013; it has been in the hands of Yahoo. Tumblr is different from the other apps in that it is also a microblogging platform.

This site offers users the chance to find new things and follow things they like. Almost any type of media can be posted to the social media site. Tumblr can also be customized and the app allows for posting of multimedia. Tumblr has around 555 million users per month.

4. Instagram

Instagram is something of a unique social media tool as it solely based on the sharing of videos and photos. It is most popular for photo sharing allowing users to capture their day-to-day activities and share them.

Instagram is popular as it also offers filters for photos so users can have fun altering photos of themselves and sharing the results. Users have been known to come up with some creative ideas, turning photos of everyday objects into works of art. Photos can also be sent to Twitter and Facebook. The app has around 400 million users per month. Instagram is now a part of the Twitter and Facebook group.

5. Twitter

Twitter attracts around 320 million people each month all of whom send out "Tweets" to friends and those who choose to follow. Tweeting is a way of sharing with friends and family via short messages. I also use it for promoting my business through Tweets. Other people can also like tweets.

Users can choose to follow other people based on interests. Many celebrities use Twitter and have official accounts; these have a blue tick at the side of them. This is a great way of finding out the latest news from celebrities that you follow and you know it is who they claim to be.

Photos and videos can also be used in posts and users have the option of viewing the latest trends.

Twitter is most famous for its hashtags, the "#" symbol on the keyboard. This represents a certain subject. For instance, #ocean, a talk about oceans and seas, or #Trump, a discussion about everything related to Donald Trump. When typing the hashtag people who used that hashtag before generally read your Tweet.

With Twitter direct messages can be sent to people, these are private messages that only the recipient can see. This can be useful for companies and businesses to send messages to employees or send private pictures you do not want others to see.

6. Google+

Google+ is a social networking platform with about 300 million users. The site and app allow people to share messages, videos, and photos, along with site links. It works with Hangouts so that businesses are able to promote their products and brands on the business pages of Google+.

Google+ is widely used by companies and businesses as a marketing tool. It allows people to reach out to others in a different way than using Facebook or Twitter. Posts on Google+ are generally given high priority in Google search. Hashtags can also be used to increase the reach and specific groups can be targeted.

7. Skype

Skype is a Microsoft owned social networking platform available on many devices with around 300 million users each month. People can chat through webcam, text messaging and voice calls. Skype is popular with businesses and I use it for conference calls. Skype-to-Skype calls are free for users wherever you live in the world.

Skype is a popular choice among businesses. Costs of calls are kept to a minimum and there is an app specifically for businesses. Using the Skype for business app, businesses can keep track of expenditures for calls. Skype for business is also a great way of having face-to-face meetings without the associated costs of travel.

8. Viber

Around 249 million people per month use Viber and it is a multi-lingual social media platform. It offers voice messaging and text messaging. People use the platform for sharing videos, audio messages, and photos using a feature built into the software called Viber Out.

9. Snapchat

Snapchat is another popular image sharing social apps. Friends use the platform to share pictures and photos. It is also possible to explore news channels and live stories from around the world.

10. LinkedIn

For professional social networking sites, there is none more popular than LinkedIn. This is popular among companies and businesses. Around 100 million people use the app each month from around the world. It is an app used by businesses to offer jobs and hire candidates. Users of LinkedIn make a profile including the business and work position they are in and millions of people from around the world can see this. If someone is interested in connecting with you, they contact you. I have an account on LinkedIn and highly recommend it for social networking.

There are extensive job listings on LinkedIn bringing potential employers and employees together. The social site has a search function and this is the site chosen by many of the top brands when they are recruiting.

The site allows users to give and receive endorsements along with testimonials. The platform also allows co-workers to connect with each other along with making important business connections.

11. QQ

Tencent QQ was first launched in China and following its popularity, it became used internationally. Around 853 million people use the site each month. QQ is a chat-based social media app, also known as an instant messaging app. Today people in more than 80 different countries use it to keep in touch with friends and family. It supports voice chat, video and text, and it has a built-in translator.

12. WeChat

The company Tencent also developed WeChat over in China, where it was first launched. Around 697 million people use the site and app each month. Many people in China use both WeChat and QQ side by side. This social media app is not as popular in the West as it is in the East.

13. QZone

QZone is also a Chinese based social media app and yet another one from Tencent. The social app supports a wide range of media. This includes sharing of photos, videos, and music. It also supports blogging and diaries can be kept. QZone is very customizable as users can change the feel and look of the webpage, they make with the app.

14. Baidu Tieba

Baidu Tieba is another offering of a social media group app from China. Baidu is actually a company behind a search engine and internationally it is known as Postbar. This works by way of a discussion forum that allows users to create social networking groups about a specific topic. There are around 300 million users using Baidu Tieba.

15. Sina Weibo

Sina Weibo is another social platform popular in China and this is a microblogging platform. This offers a mixture of the features of Facebook and Twitter, which has ensured it has been popular in China and other countries with around 222 million users each month.

16. LINE

LINE is a popular messaging social networking app that has 215 million users per month from around the world. The social network site allows its users to share videos, text messages, and photographs. One feature that has made it very popular is the fact that users can make voice or video calls at any time.

17. YY

Another Chinese social networking platform is YY or YY.com. Around 122 million people use the app each month and it is video based. Users are able to take part in-group video chats and it is possible for more than 100,000 members to all watch the activity of a single person who posts online. People generally post tutorials and by doing so, they earn themselves virtual money, which is later converted into real money.

18. VKontakte

VKontakte is a Russian based social media app available for Windows, iPhone, and Android. The app is in English and is very popular and an alternative to Facebook. The app attracts around 100 million users each month with sign up being available online and downloads on offer for various devices.

19. Pinterest

Pinterest has been around for some time and has around 100 million monthly users. Pinterest is a photo sharing and photograph bookmarking social media site. This is a great choice for businesses relying on photographs of products to sell those products. The site has photos with links to numerous projects including DIY and crafts.

20. Telegram

Telegram is a social media-messaging network that is very much like WhatsApp. This social media app is available on many platforms and in many languages. What stands out and attracts its 100 million monthly users is the fact that messages and encrypted and they self-destruct over a period. Telegram has always offered this feature and WhatsApp recently added it into their platform.

21. Reddit

Reddit is very popular with gamers, has around 100 million viewers per month, and is extremely popular around the world. This social media site allows people to upload content then later go on to vote on the content posted. When votes are made, the uploaded content will go up or down, depending on the votes, based on things of interest. These are called subreddits.

22. Taringa

Taringa is a Latin-American offering of social media site. Users can share links, videos, images, texts and write short posts to submit to the forum. The platform lists topics that are hot along with the most recently posted topics to browse. There is also a link to a gaming page belonging to the community.

23. Foursquare

Foursquare is not the typical social media app but I am going to include it as users can mingle with each other and plan on where they want to go. The app is a search and discover social media platform, showing locations based on the user's location. It offers search results for such as food, entertainment and more. The social networking feature used to be built into Foursquare but is now on a separate with the name of Swarm.

24. Renren

Another social networking app from China and the biggest. This is a platform suitable for everyone no matter his or her location. The app has around 30 million people viewing each month and is popular because it is very similar to the features offered by Facebook. The app offers users the option of connecting with each other and sharing posts along with thoughts. Users are even able to update their status based on their mood.

25. Tagged

Tagged is a social media site with the main aim being based on friendship along with finding a date? The social media app was taken over by another company called hi5. This social media platform allows its 25 million users to get together and play games, share common interests and browse profiles.

26. Badoo

Badoo is another social networking site with the aim of dating. It has been made available in more than 200 countries with the app sharing details about people living close by in the same region. Users are also able to find out information about people they have met in real life. Around 20 million users use Badoo each month.

27. MySpace

MySpace is a top music-focused social network site allowing people to gather to share and listen to music and videos. The site offers its 20 million viewers per month a network of friends along with blogs and the option to create personal profiles.

28. StumbleUpon

If social networking platforms had intelligence then StumbleUpon would be the most intelligent of them all. The platform allows its 25 million users to find and discover different types of content and then make recommendations. This means the platform can help users to find web pages, videos, and images that they might not have normally seen and then rate them.

29. The Dots

Anyone who is creative might want to check out The Dots. This is a relatively new social media-networking site launched in 2014 in the UK. The platform helps people to collaborate, connect and commercialize thus building up a creative sector that is diverse, stronger and profitable.

30. Kiwibox

Kiwibox is among the social media sites for community-based social networking aimed more at people living in New York in the United States. The site offers its users an online magazine aimed at teenagers. Kiwibox gives teens information about fashion, along with providing an interface for chatting. The site gives teens the chance to tell everyone about the things they are interested in and the skills they have.

31. Skyrock

Skyrock has a base in France but this social media app is offered in English and other languages too. The platform gives its users the option to create a free web space. The web space can be used for exchanging messages with friends and family, adding profiles and creating blogs and posts.

32. Delicious

Delicious is the number one social bookmarking website. The site was launched in 2003 and it is a great option for finding, storing and sharing web bookmarks. Users can also choose to tag what they find with keywords so that others can find them.

33. Snapfish

Snapfish is a networking social media site relying on users uploading and sharing photographs. This is a great choice if you love photography as it offers unlimited storage of photos.

34. ReverbNation

Musicians use ReverbNation for social networking so that they get in contact with others in the same industry as them, music. Musicians can meet other musicians along with gaining access to tools that they can use to manage their music career. The platform also gives them access to the music industry.

35. Flixster

If you like movies, I recommend joining the Flixster social networking group. This site is from the USA but offers anyone who enjoys watching movies to connect and share reviews and ratings. Flixster offers users the chance to learn about new and old movies along with getting information about up and coming movies.

36. Care2

Care2 is a social media site that allows activists from around the globe to get together with other like-minded people. It is a favorite of organizations and businesses along with giving people the chance to learn about and turn to a healthier and greener lifestyle.

37. CafeMom

Think mothers and meeting in cafes and you are on the right track with CafeMom. This is a social networking social media site encouraging moms or mommy's to-be to get together for advice and support on a range of topics. Advice is given on pregnancy but also on fashion, health, food and a range of other topics.

38. Ravelry

Ravelry is a community for those who take an interest in fiber arts. The community is made up of knitters, weavers, those who spin and crochet. If it is all about wool, it is talked about in the social network that is community-based.

39. Nextdoor

Nextdoor is solely used in the United States as a social networking platform. It encourages people living in the same area to get together and chat.

40. Wayn

If you are like me and like to visit new places you have never visited before, you might want to check out Wayn. This social media site offers ideas for fun and interesting places to visit. It is a lifestyle and travel platform for like-minded people to get together and talk about their travel and life experiences.

41. Cellufun

Cellufun is a gaming community specifically for those who love playing and learning about games. The community is available on mobile devices. It allows people to meet up to socialize, chat, create avatars, buy virtual goods and even play games on mobile devices.

42. YouTube

YouTube focuses on videos and is one of the most popular of all video-based social networking sites. The site allows users to upload videos in a wide range of categories for others to watch and rate. The categories of videos are huge and some of the most popular are tutorials. Videos uploaded can range from just a few minutes to a couple of hours long. The social networking channel allows commenting on videos and video views are counted. It is a great way of going viral with any video.

43. Vine

Vine is yet another video-based social media site with the focus being on entertainment. It is a short-form video sharing social media site focusing on videos no longer than 6 seconds in length. Vine is a member of the Twitter family, and it can be integrated into many social networking platforms for users to watch along with share videos.

44. Classmates

I used classmates when I was trying to track down friends I went to school with who I had lost touch. It allows classmates to find each other and connect back up then keep in touch. It works with schools and colleges and finding old classmates is relatively easy, if they are on the site or someone else that was at school at the same time as you as yearbooks can be uploaded. This is a great platform for finding and reuniting with long lost school friends.

45. MyHeritage

Anyone who wonders about his or her heritage can sign up with MyHeritage. This is a genealogy social platform supporting over 42 different languages so it is available around the world. It allows users to create their own family tree, upload and browse photographs of family and manage family history. This is a great site for those who have lost touch with relatives who find them again through the website.

46. Viadeo

Viadeo is social networking for businesses. While it began in Europe and this is where most of the users are from, anyone can join. It allows business owners big and small to keep in contact with each other and it is available in many languages.

47. Xing

Xing mainly attracts people from Germany, Switzerland, and Austria but it is available outside of these countries. Again, this is a professional networking site. It offers many of the features of LinkedIn. What makes it stand out is the fact that closed group discussions may be held between business members or companies.

48. Xanga

Xanga is a blog based social network platform that allows its users to create blogs, upload photos and make social networking profiles. It can be used on a desktop PC or mobile device and the site has user themes for customization.

49. LiveJournal

LiveJournal is based in San Francisco and it is available to residents of Russia, along with the rest of the world. In Russia, the social media platform has the name of Zhe Zhe. The site allows users to keep a journal, diary or small blog and it comes with privacy controls. While not being a social media platform per-se, I have included it as you can share what you have been up to with friends and relatives.

50. Friendster

Friendster began life as a social networking site for making friends and allowed members to stay in touch. It then turned into a social gaming network site, mainly for residents of Asia who like to play games. Now the site is "taking a break".

51. Funny or Die

Funny or Die is a social website offering videos. The social site claims to bring together the funniest videos out there. The platform is very popular with celebrities and A-listers. The comedy video site also allows users to upload, share and rate videos in much the same way as YouTube videos.

52. Gaia Online

If you are into forums and like anime, you might want to check out Gaia Online. The social media site focuses on anime. It gives users the chance to gain access to avatars, virtual worlds, games and more.

53. We Heart It

As if there were not enough photo sharing apps and sites online, we have one more here. I have included this one because it allows its users to upload photos and artwork that is inspirational, or which provides motivation. There is a lot of hate in the world today but none at We Heart It. If you want a daily dose of inspiration or motivation check out this social media sharing site.

54. Buzznet

Want to get a buzz then head and join Buzznet. This popular site lets users share content. Users select the content they want to see based on personal interest. Users can upload photos, videos and keep journals about what they have been doing in life to get a buzz.

55. DeviantArt

DeviantArt is one of the more popular social network communities for artists and those who have a passion for art. It is also one of the biggest. Users can browse artwork created by others by searching for topics or upload their own art. If you have a passion for art, drawing, painting, modeling or any other form, join this community.

56. Flickr

Flickr is another very popular photo-sharing social media site. The site allows its members to upload high-quality images. The site will not just accept any image; it has to be of high quality to share it. It is a popular platform among photographers and people who appreciate high-quality images.

57. MeetMe

MeetMe used to go by the name of MyYearbook. The whole idea of the site is to find new friends, get to know them and chat with them. MeetMe is very popular among with young students and teenagers but anyone around the world can sign up to join.

58. MeetUp

This site is very similar to MeetMe in that it is a social networking site allowing groups of people with very similar interests to get meetup. The site offers meetups for people who live locally and people from anywhere in the world can join and use the site. Users are able to take part in group conversations and have discussions.

59. Tout

Tout is more along the lines of a micro-blogging site but some people do class it as social networking. The platform allows its users to share and watch videos that are no longer than 15 seconds, so the videos are relatively short. The videos shown on the social media platform are called touts, hence the name of the site.

60. Mixi

20 million people in Japan use the Mixi social media sites. The social networking platform is very popular in Japan allowing its users to connect with family and friends. The platform also allows users to find friends based on areas of interest.

61. Vero

If you love anything enough to want to share it, you should head over to Vero and sign up for an account, according to the people behind it. The developer takes pride in offering a social media platform where users have total control over what they share and who they share it with.

If you like using Facebook, but do not like the fact that they collect information about their users and have been breached in the past; Vero may be a good alternative. The site is very much like Facebook in regard to the features it offers but does not collect personal details. Vero has also stated that the address the issue of becoming addicted to social media but just how they do this is unclear.

Another great thing that stands out when using Vero is that there are no annoying ads showing up while you are viewing or writing content. This is a subscription-based social network platform but it may be well worth it for what you get, security.

62. Spreely

Spreely is a social media site with a difference. In this case, users are not censored as they are with Facebook and other social media platforms. Users are free from what are termed "shadow bans" and the name for the site derives from "Speak" and "Freely". Spreely has a focus on freedom of speech, again unlike so many other social media websites out there.

63. Periscope

Periscope is beginning to take the video sharing platform by storm around the world. Anyone who is interested in live video and sharing his or her life with the rest of the world might be interested in looking.

64. Plaxo

Plaxo has address books of more than 40 million people. This social media sharing site offers what they call Pulse, a dashboard allowing sharing by people all over the globe. The dashboard is one of the main strengths of this platform and is used by small companies and businesses. However, it is not as popular as LinkedIn.

65. Howcast

Howcast is not a typical social media site but it is worth mentioning in my list. The site attracts people from all over the world who want to watch "How to videos". It is in competition with YouTube but not nearly as popular. Howcast allows users to post high-quality videos showing other people how to do things and is well worth a look if you are stuck with a project you know nothing about.

66. Vimeo

Vimeo is another social platform for high-end videos. Videos can be shared among the community members and this site is the one to go if you are selling videos. Videos can be offered for sale by download or users can sign up to stream videos and watch them online through the platform. While it is not a typical social media site, it does have a large community of both individuals and businesses so is worth including here in the list.

67. Buffer

No list for social media sites and sharing would be complete with adding Buffer onto it. This is a social media platform offering a tool to manage and schedule Tweets and Facebook updates all from the same page. It is along the same lines as Hootsuite and TweetDeck. To manage Facebook posts and Tweets users sign up for an account with Buffer and the social media site acts as a buffer between your other social media accounts. This is a great site for those who send out lots of posts or Tweets as they can all be managed from the web browser. Posts and Tweets can also be scheduled for the future.

Conclusion

As you can see from the above, there are many social media sites available online. While many people generally think of Facebook and Twitter, as these are the two most popular, they are by no means the only options.

To round things up the best social media sites for growing your business includes:

LinkedIn - the site offers recruitment and customer engagement;

Twitter - very handy for sending out Tweets about new products;

Facebook - a great social media application for promoting businesses;

Instagram - around 48% of brands now use this for marketing.

Having such a huge choice is great for diversity. Social media apps can be used on the go and are tailored for mobile devices such as phones and tablets. This means you always have a way to contact and interact with customers.

Some of the best social media apps for sharing with friends and family include:

Facebook - It allows people to remain connected when out and share details about their lifestyle;

Instagram - popular for sending quick snaps showing what you are doing;

Twitter - a great way for friends and family to keep in touch with short messages;

Snapchat - another popular app for when out and about to share photos and small videos with friends and family.

There is essentially a social media site suitable for everyone out there. Whether wanting business advice, health advice, child or pregnancy advice, or you want to talk about your favorite subject in life. There are sites offering tutorials and webinars by way of blog posts and how-to videos, the choices are limitless.

Some of the best sites and apps for photographers are:

Instagram - gives photographers a chance to highlight and show off photographs;

Pinterest - photographers can build backlinks through this social media site to their websites;

Flickr - One of the best online photo sharing applications and photo management sites out there.

If like me, you are fed up with being censored and having personal data collected and used you might want to check out:

The best social media apps and sites for videos include:

YouTube - without a doubt one of the best social media sites and social apps for uploading and sharing videos with a wide audience;

Vimeo - another great option for sharing high-quality videos with people from around the globe. This is a solid option for small businesses and companies;

Instagram - with Instagram receiving more than 4.2 billion like every day this is a great choice for uploading videos to share with its millions of active users;

Snapchat - this is another popular choice among those who share videos and a great choice for short snappy intros to entice people to buy new products.

So are you a member of any of the above social media sites or social media apps or have you found a new one from the list above and are going to join. Have fun and stay safe online.

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60+ Social Media Sites You Should Know About (Updated 2023)

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Just as human beings are active socially in real life, so they are in the world of computers and mobile phones. People walk around with eyes glued to their screens constantly checking social media apps for updates to find out what their friends are doing. Social media is not just all about chatting to friends...

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Catfishing - what is it and what do you need to know

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Catfishing - what is it and what do you need to know

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What is catfishing?

Catfishing is when someone uses images and information (often taken from other people's social media accounts) to create a new identity online - sometimes using an individual's entire identity as their own. Newly created social media accounts can then be used to damage the reputation of the true owner of the identity, or alternatively any fictional identities that are created using other people's images and information can be used to form dishonest relationships online. Although catfishing used to be seen more among adults using online dating platforms, it has now become a more widespread problem among adults and teenagers. Some people who catfish go to extreme lengths to create fake identities - having multiple social media accounts with the purpose of building up and validating their catfishing profiles.

Why is it called catfishing?

Although the practise of catfishing has been around almost as long as the internet, catfishing only gained its name in 2010 after a documentary titled "Catfish" was released. Catfishing then went on to became a recognized term in 2012 after the MTV series "Catfish" premiered.

Why do people catfish?

People choose to catfish other people for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons people catfish include:

Insecurities - Someone might choose to catfish another person due to their own personal insecurities. They might consider themselves 'ugly' or 'not good enough' and feel more comfortable using the images or identity of another person that they consider 'attractive enough' or 'worthy'.

Mental illness - Somebody suffering from some forms of mental illness might feel too anxious to reveal their true or authentic self. Someone suffering from depression might have very low self-esteem and feel like they are not 'good enough'. There are many different conditions that can make people feel that the only way they can communicate with people effectively or with confidence is by pretending to be somebody else.

Hide their identity - Somebody who wants to hide their identity when using social media might use another person's images and/or information. They might want to hide who they are to troll others, talk to people outside of an existing relationship or in some cases, they might catfish with the intention of trying to extort money from the person they have targeted.

Revenge - Some people use catfishing as a tool of seeking revenge on previous partners or people they consider 'deserving'. Those seeking revenge often create social media accounts, which use the victim's images and information in order to humiliate them or damage their reputation. They can also use fabricated identities to lure the person into a fake relationship to hurt them emotionally.

Harassment - Some people set up multiple catfishing accounts to maximize the emotional impact when harassing someone online. They might set up several social media accounts because the recipient of the harassment has blocked their initial catfishing account or they might do it to create the impression that there are growing numbers of people participating in the abuse, in an attempt to overwhelm the victim.

Exploring sexual preference - When someone is confused or curious about their sexuality, they might create false profiles so they can confidently explore their curiosity without having to reveal their true identity.

The most common reason people will catfish others is a lack of confidence. If people aren't happy with themselves, they feel that by being someone more attractive, they are fully able to express themselves freely without their insecurities holding them back.

The effects of catfishing

When someone is catfished, it can be extremely damaging to their mental health - especially if they are emotionally invested in a friendship or romantic relationship with the catfisher. Victims of catfishing can find it extremely difficult to trust after their experience - affecting relationships both personal and professional.

As well as the emotional devastation that someone who has been catfished can potentially go through, they can also face embarrassment and regret for believing and 'falling for' a completely non-existent person. Financial loss and mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression can all come about because of catfishing.

If the person that has been catfished has sent any explicit images or ' sexted' with the catfisher, the victim will feel that their trust has been completely betrayed and become paranoid that they might be exposed publicly in the form of revenge porn or be sextorted by the catfisher in the future. This can lead to serious longterm problems such as anxiety disorders and depression.

Signs that you might be being catfished

It can difficult to spot a catfish. Although the signs you might be getting catfished can be different for each situation, some of the most common signs that you could have fallen victim to catfishing include:

They don't have many friends or images on their social media accounts - When someone is catfishing, they will have to take the photos they choose to use from another source. Most commonly, they will take images from someone else's social media account. Because the images are taken from an authentic source, catfishers have no control over when or what is posted so will only have access to a few images at a time - when the 'real' person shares images themselves. They might also have very few friends and show little or no interaction with them online.

They never want to video call - Someone who is catfishing, will not want to video call if they are using another person's identity. In order to avoid video chatting, catfishers make up excuses. They might say their webcam is broken or they're always too busy.

They don't want to meet up - For obvious reasons, catfishers will never want to meet up. To avoid this, some catfishers will agree to meet up with you (to seem more authentic) only to back out at the last moment.

If they don't use Snapchat - It sounds strange but Snapchat has now become so popular that if somebody is active on various social media platforms but doesn't use Snapchat, this could be suspicious. Snapchat is based around sharing 'live' selfies - making it impossible to use images taken from other people's accounts. If you are being catfished, they might say they don't use snapchat or add you on it and then refuse to send you a photo of themselves.

Although most people feel confident that they would know if they were communicating with a completely fabricated identity, it is also very easy to assume after seeing a few images and some conversation that you are communicating with exactly who you are looking at in the images! It is important to remember that although many of the signs that you are being catfished listed above can be indicative of something sinister - they can also be completely innocent too.

How can I prevent being catfished?

Avoiding getting catfished can be very difficult, because of the sheer volume of people we interact with online each day. Therefore it can be difficult to check each identity for authenticity, however there are tips to prevent or reduce your chances of being catfished. Some of the ways you can prevent being catfished are:

Being cautious - When talking to anybody that you don't know online, always remain slightly cautious, especially if you have only just started speaking with them or have no solid evidence that they are who they say they are.

Never giving out money - Some catfishers will target people in order to scam money from them. You should never give money to anybody who asks for it online.

Taking your time - Always be careful when sending images or sexually explicit messages to another person online. Once you press send, it can't be taken back!

Talking to someone - If you have concerns about someone you are speaking to online, confide in someone you trust. Tell them about your concerns as they may be able to help you identify any "red flags" you may have not noticed yourself. New perspectives often bring new solutions!

Not being afraid to ask questions - As uncomfortable as it might be, don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you need to in order to feel comfortable talking to someone. If they are a catfish, they might not be able to answer all the questions accurately and then you'll be more likely to know that something isn't right.

Adjusting your privacy settings - Catfishers will commonly look for potential victims to target, and by having your privacy settings adjusted on your social media accounts to 'private', you are less likely to fall victim to catfishing because nobody can see the information on your profile.

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Catfishing can have devastating consequences. Use our guide to learn what catfishing is, how to avoid getting catfished and what to do if you are targeted.

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Netiquette - guiding positive behaviours online

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Netiquette - guiding positive behaviours online

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What is netiquette?

Netiquette exists to help people to communicate more effectively whilst online, and to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and potential conflicts. Without a sound understanding of netiquette you run the risk of displaying abusive or cyberbullying type behavior without even being aware of it. Netiquette is a new word and concept for some of us, but a basic understanding of netiquette is important for everybody that uses the internet.

The definition of netiquette

Netiquette is defined in various ways depending on where you look. A simple definition of netiquette is "Showing courtesy and respect to other internet users, just as you would in real life."

Why is netiquette necessary?

Written communication takes place without the benefit of body language, tone of voice or facial expressions, which means there can be uncertainty about what someone is really saying.

This is why most websites and social media platforms where users can communicate in this way have accepted rules of behaviour. These codes of practice have been developed to ensure people are able to communicate clearly and avoid misunderstandings (see our examples of good netiquette for more in depth information and examples of acceptable online behavior).

Each website, whether a discussion board, social media platform or forum will have their own rules about how to use their platform responsibly - so always read them before you start posting!

Netiquette golden rules

Check out our examples of good netiquette to make sure you are getting the most out of your time online. In the meantime, use the following golden rules for good netiquette to keep things positive online!

Respect people's privacy -If someone isn't comfortable sharing information with you, try not to push or pressure them into doing so. Also, never share other people's personal information such as addresses, phone numbers or emails without permission as this can be considered doxing.

Be mindful of your language - Be aware of the language you use online. Although you might believe it to be funny or harmless, another person might take offense to it or find it upsetting.

Don't be sarcastic! -Sarcasm doesn't translate well on the internet!

Choose your emoji's carefully - Emoji's or emoticons have now become a recognized language in their own right! Make sure that if you use emoticons, you are using one that is appropriate for the emotion you are trying to convey - they can easily change the context of an entire conversation.

Respect other's views -The beauty of the internet relies on varying and diverse opinions and beliefs. Allow others to share their views without the conversation becoming heated or turning into an argument - regardless of your personal opinion!

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Netiquette will help you to communicate more effectively online. Everybody needs a basic understanding of netiquette if they use the internet.

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The Difference Between Health and Unhealthy Love

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The Difference Between Health and Unhealthy Love

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The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

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By Kaitlyn Meredith, MSW, Youth First, Inc. - March 12, 2019 Healthy Friendships By Kaitlyn Meredith, Youth First, Inc. When you think of friendship, what comes to mind? Is it someone that you do homework with? Is it someone that is there for you when the going gets tough?

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How to Let Go of Friendships When Necessary

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How to Let Go of Friendships When Necessary

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How do you break up with a friend who’s not supporting you anymore?

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The sense of belongingness, also known as the need to belong, refers to a human emotional need to affiliate with and be accepted by members of a group. Examples of this may include the need to belong to a peer group at school, to be accepted by co-workers, to be part of an athletic team, or to be part of a religious group.

What do we mean by the sense of belonging? A sense of belonging involves more than simply being acquainted with other people. It is centered on gaining acceptance, attention, and support from members of the group as well as providing the same attention to other members.

The need to belong to a group also can lead to changes in behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes as people strive to conform to the standards and norms of the group.

In social psychology, the need to belong is an intrinsic motivation to affiliate with others and be socially accepted. This need plays a role in a number of social phenomena such as self-presentation and social comparison.

Sense of Belonging in Action

What inspires people to seek out specific groups? In many cases, the need to belong to certain social groups results from sharing some point of commonality. For example, teens who share the same taste in clothing, music, and other interests might seek each other out to form friendships. Other factors that can lead individuals to seek out groups include:

Pop culture interests

Religious beliefs

Shared goals

Socioeconomic status

People often present themselves in a particular way in order to belong to a specific social group. For example, a new member of a high school sports team might adopt the dress and mannerisms of the other members of the team in order to fit in with the rest of the group.

People also spend a great deal of time comparing themselves to other members of the group in order to determine how well they fit in. This social comparison might lead an individual to adopt some of the same behaviors and attitudes of the most prominent members of the group in order to conform and gain greater acceptance.

Effect of the Sense of Belonging

Our need to belong is what drives us to seek out stable, long-lasting relationships with other people. It also motivates us to participate in social activities such as clubs, sports teams, religious groups, and community organizations.

In Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the sense of belongingness is part of one of his major needs that motivate human behavior. The hierarchy is usually portrayed as a pyramid, with more basic needs at the base and more complex needs near the peak. The need for love and belonging lie at the center of the pyramid as part of social needs.

By belonging to a group, we feel as if we are a part of something bigger and more important than ourselves.

While Maslow suggested that these needs were less important than physiological and safety needs, he believed that the need for belonging helped people to experience companionship and acceptance through family, friends, and other relationships.

A 2020 study on college students found a positive link between a sense of belonging and greater happiness and overall well-being, as well as an overall reduction in mental health outcomes including:

Increase Your Sense of Belonging

How do we create a sense of belonging? There are steps you (or a loved one who is struggling) can take to increase the sense of belonging.

Make an effort: Creating a sense of belonging takes effort, to put yourself out there, seek out activities and groups of people with whom you have common interests, and engage with others.

Be patient: It might take time to gain acceptance, attention, and support from members of the group.

Practice acceptance: Focus on the similarities, not the differences, that connects you to others, and remain open to new ways of thinking.

A Word From Verywell

A sense of belonging is a crucial for good physical and mental health. If you continue to struggle with loneliness or the sense of not fitting in, talk to your doctor or mental health professional. They can help you to identify the root of your feelings and provide strategies for achieving belongingness.

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Sense of belonging refers to the human emotional need to affiliate with and be accepted by members of a group. Belongingness plays a powerful role in behavior and motivation.

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Inside: Kid-friendly coping skills used to help manage anger, including safe ways to express anger, books to read and videos that can help. This post contains affiliate links. Learn more.
It's starting again, as usual, right after your son gets off the school bus. He is frustrated from things that happened during the day, and now he's yelling and stomping around the house. You're feeling overwhelmed and don't know what to do next.
How do you help an angry child?
Here's a collection of the best tools and tips to teach children how to manage their anger in safe and healthy ways. Let's start with some quick, safe ways to help kids express those feelings.

Looking for more quick ideas to help kids express their anger?
Stop sensory meltdowns by hanging upside down 5 simple ways to help children calm angry feelings 10 more ways to help kids manage anger A Different Way to Respond When Your Child is Aggressive
We need to help our kids understand and expect that they will experience a variety of feelings as they go through life, including anger. It's normal to feel angry at times. It's what you do with those feelings that matter.

Here's a great reminder from Imperfect Families that anger is a feeling too.

When a child is in fight, flight or freeze mode, they can't process information as well as when their body is in rest and digest mode. This is not a teachable moment, and they can't take in a lecture at this point. Your goal is to get them through this rough moment. It's best to keep talking to a minimum. When you do speak, make sure you use a neutral, calm, and quiet tone. Keep it short and repeat the same phrase. Repeating it is helpful because they aren't processing information and words as they usually would. Repetition makes it more likely that they'll hear what you are saying.

Phrases that you can say at that moment:

"I'm here for you."

"I love you."

"I want to help you."

"Let me know when you're ready."

"You are mad; I get it."

"I understand."

Looking for some more inspiration for phrases to say? Check this out:
26 Phrases to Calm and Angry Child
When some kids get big feelings, they destroy items around them - rip books, throw toys, etc. If that's the case for your child, it may be helpful for you to set up a safe spot where kids can go when they are angry. In that space, take everything out that can be destroyed or thrown that might injure someone or damage property. If you have more than one floor, set up a safe spot on each level of your home.

If you aren't in the safe spot when your child is dealing with big feelings, move harmful objects out of the way and try to get them to that safe place.

It may make sense to set up their room as a safe place too. We found this helpful when our son was dealing with a lot of angry feelings. We moved his toys and his bookshelf to a different room in the house so he could still play with them. The items that stayed in his room were those things that wouldn't hurt him or us. We did this to keep everyone, including him, safe. And as time went on, and he had better control of his emotions, we were able to add things back to his room.

How to Make a Calm Down Spot at home
Calm Space in Schools
One of the best things you can do is work on teaching coping skills kids can use before things escalate to epic proportions. The trick is practicing when they are in a calm and relaxed mood, not in the moment when they are angry.

Identify Triggers

Start by talking about what's making them angry. Help them identify those triggers, so you both know for the next time. Is it a particular school subject that makes them frustrated? Perhaps being hungry or thirsty? Are their specific noises or locations that are frustrating?

help kids identify where they feel angry in their body

Sometimes, kids don't know they're angry until after the explosion has happened. Help them identify the signs their body gives them that they are feeling angry. Over time, they'll start to recognize that feeling and ideally use a coping skill before things get too overwhelming.

Explore what other emotions they may be feeling

When kids are angry, there are usually other feelings that they are experiencing too. But anger is easy to see and often hides different feelings that lie below the surface. It's sometimes referred to as the "Anger Iceberg." It takes a bit of time to figure it out, but when your child is in a calm place, talk about what other feelings may be hiding underneath their anger.

Read more about the anger iceberg here.

Identify and practice coping skills

Now that they know what causes those big feelings and how to identify them, help them figure out ways to deal with those feelings in safe and healthy ways. Go through the coping skills checklist and have kids check off the skills that work for them, cross off the ones that don't and circle the ones they want to try.

Identify one coping skill your child would like to try. Take a few minutes during the week and have them practice a coping skill they may be able to use next time. For example, if they are going to try using shapes for deep breathing, have them practice before, so they know how it feels. The idea is to have them practice, so they know what it feels like to do it when they are calm.

Using coping skills to deal with big feelings will not go perfectly every time. Learning to manage anger is a work in progress. Little by little, with practice and time, kids will get better at it. Encourage them when they make safe and healthy choices. When they don't, continue to work with them to figure out better steps they can take the next time.

Use a Feelings Thermometer

Using a feelings thermometer can help kids make the connection between their feelings and their coping skills. Here's how you can make an anger thermometer.

How to Make an Anger Thermometer:

Have the child pick out three colors, one for each section of the thermometer and color it in. Then talk about each section.

Ask what it looks like when they are just a little angry, at the bottom of the thermometer. Do they sigh loudly, growl, etc.?

Then move on to the middle section of the thermometer. If they are medium-sized angry, what does that look like? Does their voice get louder? Do they stomp their feet, etc.?

Finally, talk about what it looks like when they are experiencing big anger at the top of the thermometer. What does that look like? Is it yelling, throwing things, etc.?

It isn't always easy for kids to do this. If they are having a hard time identifying what the behaviors were, I tell them what I noticed the last time I saw them get angry. Or, if I haven't seen them angry, I'll give them a prompt to help them, like "When some kids get angry, they yell, is that something you do?"

Once we go through and identify behaviors on the thermometer, then we work on identifying coping skills they can use to calm down. Some examples include getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths, shredding paper, or taking a break.

Make sure they have coping skills that will help them at each level of anger. It's essential to have a variety of coping skills for each level because not all coping skills will work all the time. For some kids, taking a drink of water can help calm them down when they are just slightly angry. However, when they are furious, getting a drink of water won't help. They need to do something different at that point, like take a break.

When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang Poor Sophie has a hard time managing her anger when she has to share gorilla with her sister. It's a visually appealing book to show how big her feelings get and how it looks when she calms down again.

When I Feel Angry by Cornelia Maude Spelman This is part of "The Way I Feel" series. It explains how different things can make you angry, and that feeling angry is an expected part of life, but it's what you do when you're feeling that way that matters.

Cool Down and Work Through Anger by Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed. Another great book that talks about how anger affects your body and suggesting safe ways to express yourself.

Angry Octopus by Lori Lite and Max Stasuyk A great book that actually is a progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing script for kids. It's wonderful!

Don't Rant and Rave on Wednesdays by Adolph Moser It mentions the consequences of having unchecked anger, and acknowledges that adults struggle with this too. A large part of the book explains different strategies kids can use to express anger in a safe way, which I think is fantastic.

How to Take The Grrrr Out of Anger by Elizabeth Verdick and Marjorie Lisovskis I love using this book for kids who are having a hard time managing being angry. I typically read one chapter at a time with the kids and work on some of the strategies listed in the book.

What to Do When Your Temper Flares by Dawn Huebner This book has lovely illustrations and goes through "anger dousing" methods.

Happiness Doesn't Come from Headstands by Tamara Levitt. This is a beautifully illustrated book all about growth mindset and resilience. Leela wants to do headstands and is getting frustrated, and believes the only way she can be happy is if she does headstands. With the help of a friend, she shifts her focus from what she can't do to what she can and focuses on the journey, not the singular goal is doing a headstand.

The Secret to Clara's Calm by Tamara Levitt. This is another beautifully illustrated book that demonstrates the power of mindfulness in managing big feelings. Clara has a bad temper and has big reactions to small problems, but then that leads to kids not wanting to be around her anymore. She works on learning how to be mindful and manage her big feelings with the help of a bird named Brodhi.

Chillax!: How Ernie Learns to Chill Out, Relax and Take Charge of His Anger by Marcella Marino Craver This is a graphic novel, perfect for the tween set.

It's common for parents to struggle with staying calm when their child is angry. As a mom, I know that's tough, especially when your child is having a difficult time. But it's important to learn to do it. You have to get yourself calm before you can help your child. One of the best ways to help your child is to make sure you stay calm yourself.

Use Self-Talk

Here are some phrases that may help you as you are working with your angry kid:

They're having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.

Share my calm, don't join their chaos.

I am in charge of staying calm, no matter how my child is acting and behaving.

All feelings are OK. My job is to help my kid manage them.

I can remain calm, and be a good example for my child.

Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.

TAKE Deep Breaths

If you're getting upset and about to blow up, try deep breathing. I know, it sounds hokey, but it makes a difference. When you are feeling overwhelmed, your body can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, but in situations like these, you want to stay in rest and digest mode. By taking deep breaths, you're signaling your body to go back to rest and digest mode. Expand your belly as you inhale, and contract your belly as you exhale. Try taking several deep breaths before you take steps to intervene.

Use a grounding technique

If you're overwhelmed, sometimes it helps to do a grounding exercise to calm yourself down.

FIND your support system

Know that you are not alone. Read what this mom has to say about parenting an angry child. If you don't have a support system, then it's time to find one. Here are some ideas for both in person and online support groups to help you.
In Person Support:
There are lots of places you can get support in person. One resource I love is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They offer Family Support Groups, which meet regularly. They also offer a 12 week class for parents by parents, called Family to Family Support. Search for your local NAMI chapter here.

Having support for your child outside of your family can be a lifesaver. Talk to the school, teachers and coaches to help support your child during a difficult time. Sharing knowledge about what strategies work, and how you child responds in different environments is invaluable information.

You can also seek help from a licensed therapist to help support you. It's great to have someone to talk through the tough situations you are experiencing. If scheduling an in-person meeting is tough, you can see therapists online at sites like betterhelp.com. Some kids also benefit from seeing their own therapist. Read this to get a little more information about when you should seek outside help for your child.
Facebook Groups:
Did you know you can search for groups on Facebook to find others who are struggling with similar issues to yours? Here are some active Facebook Groups that have been helpful for families.
Note: You may need to apply to some of these groups in order to be added.
Support for Sensory Needs

Raising Poppies

Happy Sensitive Kids Community

Modern Parenting

The Neighborhood, Imperfect Families

The World's Okayest Parents
Coping Skills for Kids Group
As your son continues to stomp and growl, you take a few deep breaths and say to yourself "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer." Then, in a calm voice, you say to your son "I'm here to help. I love you."

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Inside: Kid-friendly coping skills used to help manage anger, including safe ways to express anger, books to read and videos that can help. This post contains affiliate links. Learn more. It's starting again, as usual, right after your son gets off the school bus.

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An article that helps us consider what our children need us to understand

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An article that helps us consider what our children need us to understand

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"Every day is a prison, trapped inside this changing body, repeating the same day over and over. My whole life is made up of things I have to do, not things I want to do. Tests, quizzes, reading assignments, papers, group projects - I spend the entire day with people I am forced to be with: teenagers who feel just as messed up as me.

"Sometimes my feelings get hurt at school - by teachers, deans, counselors, but mostly by other students. I don't tell you this, because I'm ashamed to feel hurt. I don't want you to know how hurt I feel all the time.

"My whole life has become 'I don't want to...' I don't want to wake up. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to...I don't want to...I don't want to.

"I can't think of a single thing that I want to do - except sleep. It's the only time I'm not stressing, the only time I'm not worried, the only time I'm not upset.

"Sometimes I hide in my room and binge watch Netflix, YouTube, or mindless videos over and over, because I can't stand to be with my own thoughts. I'm distracting myself from me. Does that sound crazy?

"And, yes, I know that my room is a mess. I like it that way: It looks how I feel inside. And please don't ask me what's wrong, because I don't know. I don't know where these feelings came from.

"I know that you're mad at me. I can't blame you. I stopped talking to you. Sometimes I say such mean things to you, horrible things. I blame you, curse at you, push you away. Sometimes I break things, because I feel broken inside.

"It wasn't always this way. When I look at old photos of me in elementary school, I see a little kid who was so happy all the time. A little kid who loved to dance and sing, who loved to be silly, who didn't care what people thought.

"I feel like that little kid is dead.

"I'm going to tell you something now that's hard to say. Please listen, because I really mean it: Don't give up on me. Don't hate me back. I need you to be stronger than me. I need you to be my parent, even though I say I don't want one. I need you to be more patient than I can be, more understanding, more accepting. Even when I am yelling at you, even when I tell you that I hate you, I still need you to love me.

"If I could tell you how to help me, this is what I would say:

1. Give me space.

Don't come in my room, corner me, or make demands. I don't have any answers. When you push me or yell at me, I feel worse. I need to be alone. I need space.

2. Don't yell at me.

The noise in my head is so loud sometimes that I can barely hear my own thoughts. I can't stand it. When you yell, I feel worse about myself. I feel unloved. I feel like I am your biggest disappointment.

3. Take my electronics away.

I can't put my phone down; I try, but I just can't. I know it's devouring all my time, but I can't help myself; I can't stop checking it. I need your help. I need you to set limits on technology. Please. I will fight you, but it's what I need. Don't try to reason with me: Just do it.

4. Bring me someplace quiet.

I say I don't want anything to do with you. But if you could bring me somewhere quiet, somewhere we could walk together and not argue, somewhere I can feel the sun and listen to the wind in the trees, somewhere I can breathe and forget about everything that's bothering me, I think I would like that. Even if we don't speak, I will feel comforted.

5. Stop spoiling me.

Stop giving me everything I want. The more you give me, the more I resent you. I want to earn things. It helps me feel grown-up. I want to learn how to save money, spend money, share money. And I'm never going to learn that if you keep giving it to me. I hate being dependent on you; please help me become independent.

6. Find me someone to talk to.

I need someone to look up to who isn't you. I need an adult to admire, someone I want to be like, a person who believes in me, who pushes me, and who understands me. A mentor, a counselor, a therapist...anyone who can give me hope when I have too little for myself.

7. Tell me that you love me.

I pretend not to care. But I really need to hear you say the words, 'I love you.' Because right now, I don't love me. Even though I'm making your life hell, I still need to feel loved. Especially by you.

"I guess that's it. I know that being a parent is really hard. Sometimes you probably wonder why you did it. But I'll get better. I promise. I'll get older and we'll enjoy each other again. Until then, understand that I appreciate you.

"I may not say it often, but still I love you."
Click to hear an audio sample of WHEN KIDS CALL THE SHOTS: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully-and Enjoy Being a Parent Again. For more, see "3 Rules for Arguing with Teenagers Without Pushing Them Away." Facebook image: Photographee.eu/Shutterstock

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7 Things Teenagers Desperately Need Adults to Understand

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7 ways to quiet your teen's negative self-talk.

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What Are The Basics In Self-Care? | BetterHelp

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Learn about the fundamentals of self-care and how to get additional mental health services as needed.

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What is Self-Worth & How Do We Increase It?

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What is Self-Worth & How Do We Increase It?

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What is Self-Worth & How Do We Build it? (Incl. Worksheets)

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Self-worth is at the basis of our very thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

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13 Ways To Boost Your Daughter's Self-Esteem

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13 Ways To Boost Your Daughter's Self-Esteem

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13 Ways to Boost Your Daughter’s Self-Esteem - Child Mind Institute

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Learn how to build your daughter’s self esteem. Child Mind Institute explains how to handle girls with low self esteem and how to boost their confidence.

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How to Build Boys’ Self-Confidence - Child Mind Institute

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Boys’ self-confidence can be undermined by gender stereotypes, too. How to help them handle competition and bullying, and express feelings.

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Talking to Kids About Racism and Violence

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Talking to Kids About Racism and Violence

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Talking to Kids About Racism and Violence - Child Mind Institute

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Tips for helping kids process big emotions and tackle hard questions about racism and violence.

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Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in International Schools 

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Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in International Schools 

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Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in International Schools | Educators Without Borders

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8 Ways to Encourage Youth Inclusivity and Diversity 

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8 Ways to Encourage Youth Inclusivity and Diversity 

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Want to help the kids in your life embrace diversity and learn to welcome everyone? True inclusion is a lifelong process. Here's how to get started.

1. Investigate your own biases and privileges. Getting acquainted with our personal blind spots is the first step to helping the kids in our lives grow up with wider eyes. If you catch yourself acting out of ignorance, fear, prejudice or unacknowledged privilege in front of younger people (or they point it out for you!), apologize and talk about what you're can do to learn and change.

2. Get curious! Create opportunities for kids to interact with many different kinds of people. Intentionally cultivate friends from different cultures. Offer to share one of your own traditions; ask if they can share one with you. Visit museums, galleries and restaurants with cross-cultural perspectives. Seek out diverse neighborhoods, schools, organizations and youth programs, like Camp Fire!

3. Keep it simple. Tailor conversations to kids' age and ability. Listen to what the child is actually asking and give simple, straight-forward answers. You may have a whole presentation on cerebral palsy ready, but they may only want to know how their friend is going to get her wheelchair up your front steps for their play date. If they need more detail than you can give, you can offer to help them find more complex answers from books, experts or knowledgable friends. Which brings us to...

4. Be open to not knowing. Kids can ask hard (and blunt) questions. It's ok to say you don't know an answer and offer to find out together. Or to ask for some time to think before answering. Or to come back later and say you didn't like how you answered a question and you want to try again. Model an open mind and a growth mindset.

5. Seek out multicultural media. Want the kids in your life to more about other people, cultures, and ways of living? Check your media influences: Whose stories are you seeking out? If you put your playlist on shuffle, are there tracks from lots of different perspectives or only people with backgrounds similar to yours? Diversify the books, movies, podcasts, shows, and music you share with kids so they are exposed to different stories, artists and ways of viewing the world.

6. Talk about differences and similarities. And celebrate both! Make it a game to brainstorm a connection for every distinction.

7. Get cultured! Encourage the kids in your life to learn about their own heritage(s). Ask questions, aid their explorations, support their journeys of self-discovery. Respecting their own cultures can lead to respecting others'. Kids who are confident of themselves and their stories don't need to exclude or put down others.

8. Stop it. Intervene when you see prejudice, discrimination and unkindness happening. It sends a clear message to kids: Intolerance will not be tolerated.
Sources:

2018 Camp El Tesoro (First Texas) Staff Manual

Camp Fire NHQ Leader Guide

Jaime Rovenstine, anti-racism trainer & community organizer

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8 Ways to Encourage Youth Inclusivity and Diversity | Camp Fire

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Hot off the press, check out Camp Fire Central Oregon's article, 8 Ways to Encourage Youth Inclusivity and Diversity. Read now.

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How to Address Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion With Your Teen

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How to Address Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion With Your Teen

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By Kimberly Worthy, Bullis Upper School Social Studies Teacher

I began teaching 21 years ago, long before teachers were asked to be intentional about diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). However, this did not stop me from leading with my pure potentiality and benevolent intentions when having candid, considerate, and empowering discussions that involve all DEI topics. We want our youth to be inclusive, empathetic, and knowledgeable of others' experiences; and knowing how to deliver this sensitive content and inspire dialogue with our youth is essential for both teachers and parents.

So how does one accomplish this ideally? From my very first day as a teacher through my 20th year in the classroom, I achieved this goal by beginning my school year with the same seven terms: stereotype, prejudice, inequality, internalize, inferiority complex, superiority complex, and reject. After spending time getting to know my students to develop relationships with them, we would spend the first couple of weeks defining, applying, and engaging these terms. We would explore how these terms come up in our lives. How have they been used to divide and harm humanity? How have they been used to impact others? What do they say about our society? What do they have to do with diversity, equity and inclusion and or exclusion?

Every year, these terms evoke my students' prior experiences and knowledge, and it is their experiences and knowledge that are important and useful to the classroom. I allow my students, through various means, to share their personal connections with these terms, and by doing so, I convey that they are valued in our classroom community and that their stories will be heard and respected all throughout the school year. As a cooperating community, we create a safe space that forms a foundation for the entire year.

Through the power of the safe dialogue, I have used these words to help me be intentional in promoting diversity, equity and inclusion:

Stereotype

Define stereotypes with your child. Talk about real-life examples and identify the sources of stereotypes. From the textbooks in their classrooms to the music and media we consume everyday, stereotypes are promoted in ways that are easily overlooked. Identifying these sources will help your child recognize and be more aware of stereotypes around them, even in our homes.

Prejudice

Stereotypes can cause divides in our society. Through ignorance, one's attachment to their beliefs of stereotypes can cause them to judge before they know anything about a person. Encourage your children to share times when they have experienced prejudice, and even times they have been prejudiced towards others. Provide a safe place to allow them to share without judgement. You can even make this activity fun by using skits or roleplay, so they can safely act out how stereotypes can lead to prejudiced thoughts, words, and actions.

Inequality

Both stereotypes and one's prejudiced ideas can be used to justify inequalities in our society. Help your children understand the relationship between these three words. Today's savvy children must have evidence to believe what you tell them, so infuse their love of technology to prove that inequalities still exist in our society today. Using the US Census Bureau website, have your children sift through related data. You can also have them research newspaper articles and other various governmental agency's data sources so they can see how people from different ethnic groups, sexual orientations, genders, abilities, ages, etc. experience life. Have discussions about inequalities, stereotypes, and prejudices.

Internalize

In my classroom, I have used a newspaper article about a seven year old student, who was told by his teacher that he was "handsome like a monkey," to show how he internalized the stereotypes of African American people. He hid his homework from his parents, on which his teacher wrote the comment. He also asked his parents to shave his arms. Ask your children if they have ever heard others use stereotypes to describe them or any of their identifiers in a negative way. Ask your children if they, too, have internalized stereotypes or negative ideas used to describe themselves or any of their identifiers: ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, ability, age, religion, socio-economic status.

Inferiority Complex

In the Supreme Court case, Brown vs. Board of Education, Thurgood Marshall's team used Drs. Kenneth and Mamie Clark's study with dolls to prove that African American children had developed an inferiority complex as a result of prejudice, segregation, and discrimination. I reenacted the doll test in past classes, but in recent years, I have played CNN's version of the doll test, which shows how children of all ethnicities have internalized stereotypes of different ethnic groups, and how harmful it is to innocent children.

Superiority Complex

As a result of stereotypes, some marginalized groups develop an inferiority complex, while those who create the stereotypes, the prejudiced ideas, and many times maintain the systems of inequalities, develop a superiority complex. Those who have developed a superiority complex have fought to stay in power over other groups by keeping certain groups marginalized. You can have discussions with your children about diversity, equity, and inclusion by discussing why no one should have a superiority complex.

Reject

Marginalized groups are rejected by society and many times by themselves. Be open to this conversation and dive into the myriad ways these groups experience rejection. Let them share how they may have been rejected themselves. And for the daring ones, allow them to share times they have rejected someone who belonged to a marginalized group without judgment. This simple word gets at the heart of exclusivity and inclusivity.

I have always taught that race and gender are social constructs, and that there is no biological basis for race and gender. I raise and explain thought provoking discussion questions, like, why were the terms race and gender socially constructed? What purposes does it serve to have everyone believe that there are biological races and genders? This kind of stimulating discourse leads to a critical analysis of such terms, in a respectful way. Any time one can think critically and challenge their own ideas, there is a chance for liberating oneself from old ways and thoughts. As we all know, liberation is always empowering, and empowerment leads to diversity, equity, and inclusion...naturally.

Kimberly A. Worthy is an innovator, speaker, and educational consultant with a lifelong passion for empowering and educating the communities she serves. A tireless advocate for educational excellence, Kimberly was honored in 2009 with the coveted "District of Columbia State Teacher of the Year'' award, one of a dozen awards she has received that recognize her expertise and commitment. For the last 21 years, Kimberly has taught K-12 throughout the United States and South Africa. A native of the District of Columbia, Kimberly is a graduate of Spelman College and is a member of the National Alliance of Black School Educators, Pi Lambda Theta International Honor Society & Professional Association in Education, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., and the National Network of State Teachers of the Year.

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How to Address Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion With Your Teen

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We want our youth to be inclusive, empathetic, and knowledgeable of others' experiences; and knowing how to deliver this sensitive content and inspire dialogue with our youth is essential for both teachers and parents.

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While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, the earlier parents start the conversation the better.

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Racism on the Brain! An article that might encourage interesting conversation.

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Racism on the Brain! An article that might encourage interesting conversation.

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Abstract

Racism continues to be a significant problem in much of the world. Understanding how racism happens in the brain may help us find ways to overcome it. Our brains often categorize people as similar to, or different from, ourselves. A part of the brain called the amygdala becomes active when we see someone who we think is different, and this can lead to treating that person unfairly. But another part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex is able to calm the amygdala, and we can boost its power using a thinking strategy called cognitive reappraisal. Even better, we may be able to prevent people from becoming racist by teaching kids to appreciate differences, so their amygdala does not get activated by people different from themselves. Combined with fixing unfair rules and systems around us, these brain strategies may help us to defeat racism.

When you hear about in the news, or see racist things happening in your community, you might wonder... can't we just remove the racism from the brains of those racist people? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. Racism does not come from a single part of the brain-it arises from many parts of the brain working together and interacting with the world. The good news is, there are scientists studying how this happens and how we might be able to help brains become less racist, or even prevent racism from occurring in the first place.

In-Groups and Out-Groups

Brains are really good at putting things into categories. Sometimes this is useful, like when you are a baby and you need to learn the difference between dogs and cats, or things that are safe to eat and things that are yucky. But it can become a problem when brains use those same automatic systems to put people into categories too. Brains especially like to put people into the categories of "people like me" and "people different from me"-the scientific name for those categories are "in-group" and "out-group." And often, our brains tell us to be nicer to the in-group people than the out-group people []. This is called . For example, if you are on a sports team, you are probably going to cheer for the people on your own team more than the people on the other team, right? That's because your brain has put the people on your team in your in-group category ( Figure 1).

Figure 1 - A cartoon illustrating intergroup bias-Player 3 sees the red team as his in-group and the blue team as his out-group, so he shows a bias in favor of the red team and against the blue team.

(If we were considering Player 17's perspective, the in-group and out-group would be reversed). Image adapted from macrovector; text based on Cikara and Van Bavel [1].

Of course, cheering for your sports team is not a problem. But it could become a problem if you started being mean to people on the other team, or if you started thinking that the people on your team are better than everyone else. It would be even worse if your city made up rules saying your team could go certain places that the other team was not allowed to, or if people started making movies and commercials that suggested players on the other team were bad people.

And that is exactly what happens with racism. Seeing differences is not a problem-in fact it's great to notice all the wonderful variety of skin tones and hair textures! Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same? But it is a problem when people in power put others who look like them in their in-groups and create rules that treat those in other groups unfairly. For example, in many parts of the world, people with lighter skin tones have a history of making rules that discriminate against people with darker skin tones. Just like being mean to people on the other sports team, but much worse, because your skin color is something you can't change. Your skin is something you are born with and a beautiful part of who you are, not just something you can take on and off like a sports jersey!

Who's Who in the Brain

What happens inside the brain when we sort people into in-group and out-group categories? ( Figure 2). Scientists have discovered that a tiny part of the brain called the becomes activated when we see someone in the out-group, someone we consider different from ourselves []. Some scientists think this is because we view people in the out-group as scary, or a threat, even when they really are not [], while other scientists think the amygdala is just good at detecting anything new or unfamiliar [ 1]. The amygdala is involved in lots of other important things too, like processing our emotions, so we can't just get rid of it to solve racism!

Figure 2 - A diagram of the brain showing the amygdala, which becomes activated in response to seeing members of the out-group, and the prefrontal cortex, which regulates the amygdala.

But scientists have also found that another part of the brain seems to have the job of calming down the amygdala, including the amygdala's response to out-group people []. That calming-down part is called the prefrontal cortex-it is the area of your brain at the very front of your head (if you put your hands on your forehead, your prefrontal cortex is right underneath). When people do racist things, it may mean that their prefrontal cortex is not doing a very good job of regulating their amygdala. So, could we help the prefrontal cortex do its job better?

Boosting the Prefrontal Cortex

In fact, there are some studies suggesting that we can help the prefrontal cortex do its job better! Think about it this way: have you ever felt really angry at someone and wanted to punch them, but then you stopped yourself? Or have you ever watched a scary movie and wanted to run away, but then you remembered you were actually safe? Those are examples of your amygdala reacting, and then your prefrontal cortex calming it down so you can act the way you really want to instead of automatically following the amygdala's instructions.

The same thing happens when someone's amygdala reacts to an out-group person and their prefrontal cortex calms it down. It is like the amygdala says, "hey, that person is different, so maybe they are a threat!" and the prefrontal cortex says, "no, they are different but that is okay!" (Of course, the amygdala and prefrontal cortex can't actually talk, but those are the kinds of signals they are sending to each other inside your brain). Remember, just because your amygdala makes a big deal out of something, that does not mean it is right or that you have to listen to it!

We know that if you remind yourself of certain things while you watch a scary movie-things like "it's just a movie, it's not real, I am safe"-this helps your prefrontal cortex do its job better. Scientists call that cognitive reappraisal, essentially just changing how you think about a situation. We know that cognitive reappraisal works by boosting the powers of the prefrontal cortex, so it can do a better job of calming down the amygdala []. So, could we use a similar strategy to help the prefrontal cortex work better in someone's brain to stop their racism?

Building a Less Racist Brain

A few studies have tried using cognitive reappraisal and similar strategies to reduce racism. For example, when scientists in the United States showed White people pictures of Black people who they already liked, or encouraged them to think about Black people as individuals rather than as one big group, the White people showed less amygdala activation []. Also, grouping people into mixed-race teams changed their amygdala activation in an interesting way-the amygdala reacted based on the assigned teams rather than racial groups, suggesting it may be possible to reduce racism just by helping White people think of Black people as part of their in-group [ 1].

What is race?

Scientists today consider race to be a social construct-a made-up label not based on scientific facts. Differences that appear to be related to race, like who gets a better education or who gets higher-paying jobs, are actually caused by people being treated differently and denied opportunities based on their skin color. Having darker skin just means that your ancestors came from a warmer place, where their skin needed to protect them from the sun; lighter skin means your ancestors came from a colder place, where their skin needed to let in more sunlight. The that many people have about different skin tones are the result of lighter-skinned people treating darker-skinned people unfairly for so long that it is created a pattern, which our brains notice whether we want them to or not-and this can make it harder to get rid of racist intergroup bias, if we are not actively paying attention and working against it!

But the downside is, these effects did not last very long [ 2]. After people stop using cognitive reappraisal, they return to their old ways of thinking. So what can we do to help brains become less racist for good?

It seems that people who really want to become less racist are better at using strategies like these all the time, even without realizing it [ 6]. So teaching people about racism, and making them feel motivated to stop it, may help them activate their prefrontal cortex more effectively. That includes helping people understand that the whole idea of "race" was made up by White people who wanted power and control-there is really no reason for it to define our in-groups and out-groups at all! [].

A Future Without Racism?

A few years ago, some scientists had a brilliant idea. They realized that all these studies about racism in the brain had been done with grownups, and they wondered, what if we studied the brains of kids instead?

Guess what they discovered? Unlike grownups, the amygdala in kids' brains does not react differently to people based on their skin color! Kids notice skin color of course, but it seems like their brains don't start using skin color to assign people to the in-group or out-group until they get older ( Figure 3A) []. And the coolest part? Kids and teens with more diverse groups of friends had a less reactive amygdala regardless of their age ( Figure 3B) [ 8]. It's like their brains realized that there is no reason to divide people into in-group and out-group categories by skin color, since they already had lots of friends with different skin colors.

Figure 3 - (A) A scatterplot showing the relationship between age and amygdala response to pictures of Black people.

As kids get older, they show more amygdala activation. (B) A scatterplot showing the relationship between diversity of friends and amygdala response to pictures of Black people. Kids and teens with a more diverse friend group had less amygdala activation, regardless of age. Adapted from Telzer et al. [8], reprinted courtesy of The MIT Press.

This discovery tells us that racism is learned-our brains do not automatically have to assign people to in-group and out-group categories by skin color. We can appreciate differences instead of using them to divide us. And that is good news, because it means that while we all have the potential to become racist, we also have the potential to create a future where no one is racist at all. Studies like this can help us find ways to surround young brains with conditions that prevent racism rather than contribute to it, so over time we might be able to get rid of racism altogether.

However, it is important to remember that racism does not just happen inside the brain. Racism is also built into the many unfair rules and systems created by biased brains, often maintained by people who do not even realize they are contributing to the problem. Even if someone does not mean to be racist, they might still be following unfair rules that have racist consequences for others. So as we work toward ending racism in the brain, we must also work toward ending racism around us [ 4]. As we fix these rules and systems, our brains will notice new patterns in how people are treated, which may help to further reduce intergroup bias-moving us closer to a fair and equitable world both inside and outside our heads.

Glossary

Conflict of Interest

The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.

Footnotes

1. ↑In fact, this question was recently asked by six-year-old Kyle from New York, who wants to be a neurosurgeon when he grows up. Thanks for inspiring this article, Kyle!

2. ↑Wondering how scientists measure activation in the brain? Check out another great Frontiers for Young Minds article to find out: https://kids.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/frym.2019.00086.

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Racism continues to be a significant problem in much of the world. Understanding how racism happens in the brain may help us find ways to overcome it. Our brains often categorize people as similar to, or different from, ourselves.

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Deep fakes on snapchat - what and why this is done.

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Deep fakes on snapchat - what and why this is done.

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Learn about how deepfakes are made on snapchat.

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Snapchat Launches Deepfakes For Everyone

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Extortion: Strategies | Take Back The Tech

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How to Talk to Teens about Sextortion

Sextortion involves individuals who coerce youth into sending sexual images or engaging in sexual acts via camera-enabled devices and then blackmail them with the threat of distributing the sexual images/videos if they do not pay money or provide more sexual images/videos. The use of live-streaming services has increased the vulnerability of youth to this type of exploitation because youth can be recorded without their knowledge and then blackmailed with the threat of distributing the recorded content.

If your child is being blackmailed or extorted online, immediately call your local law enforcement agency.

Why teens are vulnerable

Teens' brains are wired for social interaction and bonding with others. Their need for acceptance and belonging strongly drives their decisions. Puberty increases experimentation, sexual curiosity and sexual arousal. These hallmarks of adolescence increase the vulnerability of teens towards sexual exploitation.

Risks to teens

Online conversations that may initially appear as friendly banter can easily progress to sexual conversations. Understandably, teens may feel intrigued and flattered by these conversations and continue to engage thinking it's harmless. In other instances, the young person may really believe that they are in a relationship with the person they are communicating with online. Messaging and live-streaming services are commonly introduced for the purpose of receiving non-sexual pictures, but can progress to sending nude or partially nude pictures, and possibly sexually explicit content. This content may later be used to blackmail or extort the teen.

What you can do

Have conversations with teens about the risks associated with using technology to experiment sexually and the potential risk of blackmail/extortion. Conversations with teens are necessary as:

Teens will often comply with threats received online in an effort to try to manage the situation on their own.

Situations can escalate quickly and teens may find themselves in over their heads.

It is often very difficult for them to seek adult assistance as they are embarrassed and terrified that the sexual images/videos will be distributed to people they know.

Teens require supportive responses from adults to help them manage serious situations they encounter online.

Teens need practical steps for how to get out of harmful situations and to understand that they can come to adults for help.

Adults have an obligation to be responsive and supportive when teens make mistakes.

How to speak to teens about the issue

Talk about options for getting out of difficult situations such as not responding and blocking all contact.

Acknowledge that while this may be a difficult step to take, their safety is your number one priority. Emphasize that it's never too late to come to you for help.

Extortion is when, without reasonable justification or excuse and in order to get another person to do something or cause anything to be done, a person:

threatens another person (through words or actions);

accuses another person of something; or

is violent or scares another person through words or actions (such as pushing, yelling, throwing things, breaking things).

Reinforce that:

What happens while live streaming can be easily recorded - don't be fooled by thinking it is live and therefore "no big deal." The same risks exist for live streaming as sending pictures or videos.

Unless the other person is known offline, there is no way of verifying who is on the other end.

Pre-recorded content can be live streamed. For example, an adult could stream a video of a teenage girl, so the youth thinks they are talking to a teenage girl in real-time when that's not actually the case.

They should trust their instincts, be skeptical and cautious. If the person your teen is communicating with on cam is not visible (e.g. "I am having problems with my webcam today - that is why you aren't seeing me"), that person may be trying to hide their identity.

Reminders for youth

Steps to take if you are dealing with extortion online:

1. Immediately contact your local law enforcement or report to Cybertip.ca.

2. Do not comply with the threat.

3. Stop all forms of communication with the individual (block them from your accounts).

4. Deactivate all accounts used to communicate with the individual.

5. Speak to a safe adult about what is happening.

The tips and other information provided herein is intended as general information only, not as advice. Readers should assess all information in light of their own circumstances, the age and maturity level of the child(ren) they wish to protect and any other relevant factors.

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Why teens are vulnerable to sextortion and how to talk to them about it.

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Responding to negative situation on instagram

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Responding to negative situation on instagram

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If you've navigated to this page, it's likely that you've had a negative experience on Instagram. We understand that it can be frustrating when online interactions become difficult. You may have had an argument with someone else on Instagram or come across posts that you find offensive.

The resources on this page can help you successfully approach the conflicts you may experience on Instagram. We hope they'll provide helpful solutions.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your local authorities right away.

When you see an upsetting post, caption or comment on Instagram, consider the larger conversation it may be connected to. Step back and determine the context of the post.

Many people use Instagram in ways that are specific only to our service, which can create some confusion when something is taken out of context. Have you checked hashtags associated with the post? It's possible that the post is part of a trend or may be referring to something that's not obvious.

Review all information related to the post or the full profile of the person who shared the post to understand the whole story.

When you find yourself in a dispute, stop and think about the effect your next post might have. In these moments, ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" or "What do I gain if I continue to engage in this conflict?"

While it's easier said than done, acknowledging harassment by engaging in harassment yourself can reinforce bad behavior and may encourage the other person to continue their aggressive behavior.

When you receive unwanted communication from another person, consider blocking that person and end any communication.

Specifically, this will prevent that person from following you or searching for your profile.

The person may lose interest once they realize that you will not respond or that they can no longer interact with you.

When a dispute or abuse goes too far

Some situations are more serious. Below are some suggestions for where to go to get help.

Reach out to the people you trust

When dealing with negative or hurtful interactions, it can help to turn to family and friends for support and advice. Talking it out with your relatives or a close friend may help you figure out how you want to handle the situation or let you express your feelings.

However, we also recognize that options may be limited or your situation might be more serious. If you don't have someone to talk to about what is happening online, there are many online resources that can help:

Read through Instagram's Community Guidelines and Terms of Use.

After reviewing our guidelines, if you believe an account isn't following one or many of these, you should report abuse with our in-app reporting. This is the fastest way to get abusive posts or profiles reviewed.

If you're experiencing repeat or extensive abuse, if a hate account has been created using your likeness, or abuse persists after taking preventative measures, you can report the account to Instagram directly for review. Please provide all necessary information in your report; this will help your issue be resolved as quickly as possible.

Instagram only removes accounts and posts that aren't following our Guidelines and Terms. It's important to remember that Instagram doesn't mediate disputes between people who use our service.

Keep in mind that your report is anonymous, except if you're reporting an intellectual property infringement. The account you reported won't see who reported them.

Contact local law enforcement or legal representation

We'll investigate every report we receive. However, when an argument appears to have gone beyond the point of a personal conflict and may have turned into a credible threat, whether it be online or offline, you should contact your local authorities. They are in the best position to assess the threat and intervene or help as necessary.

If we are contacted by law enforcement directly, we can work with them and provide the necessary information for their investigation of your issue. You can point local law enforcement to our Information for Law Enforcement.

If you feel that your online dispute is legal in nature, please seek advice from a lawyer. Instagram can't offer any legal advice, and we can't provide information about people who use our service except as required by valid legal process.

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How to address conflicts or abuse on Instagram.

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How to support your child during conflict and crises situation

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How to support your child during conflict and crises situation

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We have been hearing a lot of explosions. What can I do for my children while this is going on?

If possible, try to talk to your children in advance, in an age-appropriate manner, about the possibility of this happening and what you will do when it does. You could tell your child: "There are going to be some really loud noises that we're going to hear, and when that happens, we're going to move into a safe space, and we're going to stay there for a while. When we hear the loud noises, we're going to hug together and we're going to talk about stories of when we've had fun together." If you have a book, read together. The important thing is to not only sit in silence and focus on the noise around you.

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How to support your child during conflict and crisis situations

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Advice for navigating the most difficult times

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2. Embrace Uncertainty

Managing in such times can be daunting and frightening, and you may be tempted to simply ignore or resist difficult change. But if you embrace that challenge, you'll be better able to identify and manage any potential crises.

You can counter the four negative elements of VUCA by developing four positive qualities, also with the initials V-U-C-A:

Values, which you need to stick to even when times get tough.

Understanding of the situation that you're in.

Communication with your colleagues and stakeholders.

Agility in the way that you react and adapt.

3. Plan for a Crisis

You need to understand what crises could affect your organization, and draw up strategies for dealing with them. You also need to plan how you'll recover from them.

There are four stages to planning for a crisis:

1. Establishing a crisis team. This needs to be in place before any crisis happens.

2. Identifying the key risks. As well as potential major catastrophes, think about what everyday situations could develop into a crisis, and the likelihood of those things happening.

3. Developing your crisis plan. Consider how you'll respond to each key crisis.

4. Planning for full recovery. Determine how to bring critical operations back online after an emergency, so that you get back to "business as usual" as quickly as possible.

4. Plan Effective Communication

A bad situation can worsen if rumors and speculation fill the void that's created when official communication is absent, unclear or inconsistent. Effective, swift and concise communication can calm and reassure team members, customers and other stakeholders.

You need to think about the key message that you want to communicate. For example, you may want to reassure customers that you're able to meet their existing orders, or that the products you're selling are safe.

Other steps that you can take to make your communication as effective as possible include anticipating people's questions and preparing your answers to them; appointing an informed and credible spokesperson; and being honest and open about the situation.

If you can be clear, coherent and sensitive, you'll make the business of delivering and receiving bad news easier for everyone involved.

5. Look After Yourself

A crisis strikes at one of our most basic needs - the need for security. A sense of insecurity, whether physical or psychological, can trigger strong emotions, such as fear and panic. You can protect yourself by developing resilience and learning how to head off stress.

Finding a good work-life balance and putting aside time for activities such as meditation, exercise and journaling can also help you to develop inner strength for when things get tough.
6. Build Trust and Team Loyalty
Having explored what you can do to prepare yourself, your team and your organization for a potential crisis, let's look at how you can stay calm and cope should the worst happen.

Coping During a Crisis

Laying the foundations for a theoretical crisis is one thing, but dealing with the reality of one is quite another.

Here are four key things to do when crisis strikes:

1. Manage Your Feelings

You may experience a rush of adrenaline as you try to take stock of what's happened. So, before you leap into action or make any knee-jerk decisions, give yourself time to gather your thoughts and to take an objective look at your situation. Take a deep breath - and another!

Calm your mind and body with physical relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, relaxing your muscles, and centering, and by harnessing positive thinking with affirmations.

Then, follow The TDODAR Decision Model to cut through the panic, so that you can make good decisions under pressure. Visualize a point beyond the crisis at which you'll achieve success. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

2. Put Your Plans Into Practice

If you've got a crisis plan in place, now's the time to test it in a real situation. It may be "panic stations" all around you, but this is the time for you (and your crisis team) to move your systems into "controlled emergency" mode.

Focus on managing the things that you can control. Don't waste energy and effort trying to change things that you can do nothing about.

3. Support Others

Remember, while you may need to be assertive and strong, and to demand immediate actions from your team members to resolve a crisis quickly, try to remain aware of their feelings and concerns.

4. Guard Against Negative Behaviors

When the waters get rough, some people tend to seek refuge in self-serving behaviors that can make the situation worse. Guard against the following behaviors in particular:

Abandoning the team to "cover yourself."

"Clamming up" and forgetting the principles of effective communication.

Blaming others.

Forgetting procedures or processes in a state of panic.

Instead, contribute wholeheartedly to meeting the immediate needs of your team or organization. And be flexible, ready to go beyond what you might normally offer.

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How to Keep Calm in a Crisis - Staying in Control When Times Get Tough

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Use these strategies to help you to identify and plan for potential crises, and to respond to them calmly and effectively.

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age -related actions to traumatic events

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age -related actions to traumatic events

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Handbook to support students who experience trauma/violence

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Handbook to support students who experience trauma/violence

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Whether the loss is a grandparent, a parent, a classmate or even a beloved family pet, the grieving process can be difficult and every child will grieve in his own way. Parents, caregivers and educators wondering how they can help will find many answers to their questions in the following guide, which has been assembled with advice from several experts in the area of child and adolescent grief. You will find tips broken down into a range of ages and experiences, and information about what to say, who should say it, what to look out for and how to help.

We all cope with death and grief differently. If you have several children, you may find that they express how they are feeling in surprisingly divergent ways. This can come down to personality as well as developmental age.

It is a fact that children grieve differently from adults. Young children may not even understand what death means, or that people who have died won't be coming back. They may worry they have done something to cause the death. On the other hand, they might not seem too concerned about it, or even go from crying one moment to wanting to play the next. It is also normal for a child to feel angry at the person who has died (or someone else entirely). As children get older they may begin to understand more, but will still need help from their parents and other caregivers on how to process and cope with loss.

Knowing what to say and how to support children during this time isn't easy. It is likely that you, too, are grieving and trying to deal with your own emotions. While you can't protect children from loss and the pain it may cause, you can play a major role in helping them feel secure and cope in the healthiest way possible.

Who Should Tell the Child?

If at all possible the person delivering the sad news should be the person closest to the child, even if that person is a parent who is also grieving. It is okay if the person sharing the news is sad or crying, but she shouldn't be so overwhelmed that she doesn't have control over her emotions, which would alarm the child even more in an already scary and difficult situation. If the grieving parent is too upset to deliver the news somewhat calmly then it should be the next closest person to the child who breaks the news.

What to Say and How to Say It

There's no perfect time to share the news so children should be told as soon as possible, within reason. Wait until the end of the school day if that's only a few hours. The main consideration is that you don't want your child hearing the news unexpectedly from some other source or walking into a situation where there are a bunch of adults standing around crying or in shock, which could be very scary for him.

Be thoughtful about where to have the conversation. You want to tell your child about the death somewhere where he can feel free to have whatever reaction he is going to have, and that is probably not going to be a public place. You might have the impulse to lessen the blow by sharing the news in a happy location, like a favorite ice cream parlor, but know that a treat won't make the news any less sad or difficult for the child.

Try to use direct language and be prepared to give a brief explanation of how or why the death occurred because children will be curious. You don't have to go into a lot of detail, however. With kids you want to start with the minimum amount of information and then add more based on the questions they ask. As long as it's done in a calm and compassionate way, it is best to keep explanations shorter, simpler and more direct.

Guidelines to keep in mind

The words you choose will vary depending upon the child's age and developmental stage, but experts agree that no matter what the age of the child there are certain guidelines you should stick to.

Follow their lead. The kinds of questions and concerns that children have can be very different from those of adults. Giving children too much information can overwhelm them. It is better to let them ask questions and then answer in the best (and most developmentally appropriate) way you can. Don't be surprised if young children are mostly concerned about themselves. That is simply how young children are.

Encourage children to express their feelings. Do not try to "protect" or "shelter" children by attempting to hide your own sadness. They will invariably know that something is wrong, but will be left feeling alone and confused. Hiding your own grief can also make children feel like the sadness they may be feeling is bad. However, try not to let children see you at your most upset moments, as they may begin to worry about you or feel insecure.

Don't use euphemisms. Avoid phrases like "passed away," "gone," "we lost him." Kids tend to be very literal, and this kind of fuzzy language leaves them anxious, scared and often confused. Or conversely, it may lead them to believe the deceased will come back and that death is not permanent.

Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Grief takes time but children benefit from the security of regular routines and knowing that life goes on.

Memorialize the person who died. Remembering is part of grieving and part of healing. This can be as simple as sharing memories of the person who died or bringing up the name of the person who died so that your child knows it's not taboo to talk about and remember that person. It is important to keep photos around, too.

Advice for the Death of a Pet

For many children, especially young kids, the death of a family pet may mean the loss of a lifelong friend. It may also be your child's first personal encounter with death. Be open and honest about the incident if the death happens unexpectedly. If your pet is suffering from an illness that requires it to be euthanized, reassure your child that your vet has done everything she can but that your pet was too sick to ever recover. Avoid potentially vague and confusing phrases such as "put down." Children told the pet has been "put to sleep" can develop a fear of going to sleep.

Advice for the Death of a Family Member

Death of a grandparent or other relative

The death of a grandparent is often a child's first encounter with human loss of life and grieving. If your children have lost a grandparent, you can explain that most people do not die until they are very old, to assuage any fears they have that you or they may die next. If the relative who has died was a younger person like an aunt or an uncle, explain that they had an illness (or accident) that does not usually take the lives of younger people.

Death of a parent

This is a much more difficult and traumatic event for a child of any age to comprehend and cope with. The remaining parent is likely to be very upset, and showing sadness is fine. But choose a time when you feel you can share the news without feeling out of control of your emotions. Explain the death using developmentally appropriate words and make sure children know that they will still be taken care of. In the case of the death of a parent, no matter what the child's age, professional counseling is often a good idea.

Terminally ill parent

If you are a parent or caregiver, keep the child up-to-date on the status of his parent's health so that nothing comes as a surprise and so that he is not kept wondering and worrying about being there when his parent dies. If possible schedule regular one-on-one time quietly reading, playing cards or just talking with his sick parent so that he has some good memories of how they spent their time together toward the end of his parent's life.

If you are a teacher or counselor at the child's school, know that he may need more support and flexibility at this time. Keeping some routines and expectations is still important, as they can help normalize things for a child, making him feel more secure and giving him a break from his worries. Stay in touch with the child's family and let a caregiver know if you believe the child needs additional support or even to share good news if he has had a particularly good day.

Death of a sibling

It is very unexpected when children die, whether by accident or due to illness. In young children such a loss often brings up questions from the surviving child of whether he is also in danger. Parents who suffer the loss of a child are likely to be inconsolable themselves, but it is important to reassure your children that they are safe and you will be there for them. Let them ask questions and know that they may go in and out of grief for many months while you as the parent are more likely to feel it continuously. Do not hesitate to bring in additional adult caregivers, such as a grandparent, aunt or friend for support.

Advice for a Traumatic Death Such as Suicide or Overdose

A traumatic death is particularly hard to talk about, but children will be curious about how their loved one died and you should not avoid giving an explanation. Try to give children developmentally appropriate information without overwhelming them. For example, you might explain that the person had a disease that caused her brain to stop working the way it should, and that the doctors tried to solve the problem but they weren't able to cure the disease.

As children get older you can begin to give more information. If the loved one died by overdose, you can explain that the disease was addiction, which made that person want more of a substance than was good for her. For teenagers, you can let them know what the specific substance was, and assure them that having this addiction didn't make their loved one bad. As kids get older they may also hear that addiction runs in families. While this is important to keep in mind, you can explain that addiction is a complex disease that is caused by a combination of genes and environment. Having a relative who struggled with addiction does not necessarily mean that they will also struggle with it.

If the loved one died by suicide, you might explain that she had a psychiatric disorder, which is a disease in the brain, and it caused her to die. For older children, do share more information if they ask for it, but avoid sharing troubling details. Assure children that their remaining caregivers are healthy and will take care of them.

Expect children to be processing this death over the course of many years as their understanding of it changes with age. Dealing with such a difficult and traumatic loss may very well require the help of a professional.

Who Else Should Be Informed?

The people your child spends her time with need to know if there has been a significant loss. Certainly teachers, school counselors, coaches, after-school program directors and other family members should be told.

It is important to keep in mind that you can tell the staff at your child's school and it may stay on their radar for a week or two, but if the death is significant - like the loss of a parent - then it's something your child will be dealing without throughout the year and you might need to continuously check in and remind them.

If your child is younger, you should also tell the parents of any of her close friends about the death. If your child is in middle or high school, you should ask if she wants to tell her friends' parents or if you should do it.

What If Your Child Is Away at College?

If the person who has died is someone significant and the distance to your child's school is drivable, experts recommend delivering the news in person. In cases where that's not possible, most schools have a protocol established. Usually if you call the Registrar's office, they will send a representative who will stay with your child while you deliver the news over the phone, make sure he gets connected with supportive friends, walk with him to the health center if necessary or help him pack a bag and get on a plane to return home for the funeral.

Is It Okay to Give Alone Time?

This depends somewhat on the particular child and on the child's age. Little kids go in and out of grieving mode so it is okay to let them play alone in a room as long as you stay nearby in case they switch back into grieving. Keep play dates shorter and at your home for a while so that you can monitor them.

For teens, alone time after delivering the news is certainly appropriate if they want it. And with both teens and younger kids you always want to ask open-ended questions like, "What do you think?" or, "How are you feeling?" Tell them you know this will take time to process and let them know they can always come back to you with questions or just to talk about the loved one who has died.

How to Handle a Major Event That Is Coming Up

If the death happens right around a holiday it's unrealistic to expect that you're really going to be able to have a happy celebration. You might be able to find moments of happiness, but chances are everyone is going to be preoccupied with the loss of the person who has died and you shouldn't try to hide or force your child to hide her grief. That said, you should still acknowledge important occasions, such as a child's birthday or graduation, because ignoring them could also be painful.

If the person who has died is close, the whole year is going to be a year of "firsts" without that person, so celebrations like the first Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas or Hanukkah without that person are going to be hard. Do what you can to maintain traditions as much as possible, but know, once again, that you and your child will likely experience moments of joy along with some sorrow.

Deciding Whether or Not to Attend the Funeral

Funerals, wakes and memorial services are an important part of the grieving process and a way to say goodbye to the person who has died. But when it comes to whether a child should attend the funeral of a loved one, there is no right or wrong answer. A child should never be forced to attend a funeral. If he indicates that he wants to go, then he should be encouraged to do so. If the child is young, plan to bring a favorite babysitter or someone the child trusts who can leave with the child if he decides he's had enough before the service is over.

Be sure to prepare your child for what he will see. Let him know that people might be dressed in dark colors and that they will be very sad and some might be crying, for example. Explain if there will be a casket that contains the body, and any other important details.

What to Expect With Kids Ages 2-4

At this age kids lack a real understanding of death and are generally unable to process the permanence of it. They are very present-oriented and don't understand that death means "forever." They may ask the same questions over and over again. Be patient, consistent and reassuring. A child who is grieving may have a series of brief but intense responses.

Possible expressions of grief: Regression to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking and bedwetting, sleep problems, irritability, confusion.

How you can help: Provide honest, direct, brief answers to their questions and lots of reassurance and affection. A consistent routine is also helpful. At this age play is their outlet for grieving.

What to Expect With Kids Ages 4-7

Kids this age may still see death as reversible. They may draw inaccurate conclusions that they caused the death - something called "magical thinking." They tend to ask a lot of concrete questions: "How did he die?" "What will happen to him now?"

Possible expressions of grief: Nightmares, regression to earlier behaviors, changes in sleeping and eating, violent play, attempting to take on the role of the person who died.

How you can help: Encourage expression of the child's feelings through physical outlets as well as symbolic play (drawing and stories) and talking about the person who died.

What to Expect With Kids Ages 7-13

At this age kids' thinking has matured and they are more logical. They may still want to see death as something that is reversible, but they are beginning to understand that it is final.

School-age children tend to ask specific questions and have a desire for detail. They may also be concerned for how others are responding to the death. They want to know what the "right" way to respond is, and are beginning to have the ability to mourn and to understand and recognize mourning in others.

Despite their more logical thinking they may become overly fearful of sickness and injury because they don't quite understand the mechanisms by which people die. Kids can also get fixated on why someone died, especially if it violates their logical principles of right and wrong. Under both of these circumstances try to help children develop an explanation for the death that makes sense to them. When they get older they can begin to understand the loss in a more sophisticated way.

Possible expressions of grief: Regression, school problems, withdrawal from friends, acting out, changes in eating and sleeping habits, overwhelming concerns over their own body, thoughts about their own death.

How you can help: Encourage the expression of feelings no matter what they are. Explain options and allow for choices around funerals and memorial services. Be present, but allow alone time, too. Encourage physical outlets. Don't avoid talking about the death or answering questions.

What to Expect With Kids Ages 13-18

Teenagers are capable of abstract thought and have a much more "adult" concept of death.

Possible expressions of grief: Extreme sadness, denial, regression, risk-taking, preference for talking to peers and others outside of the family, depression, anger, acting out, even possible suicidal thoughts.

How you can help: Encourage them to talk - if not to you, then to friends, teachers or a therapist. Do not attempt to "make it all better" or dismiss their grief. Allow them to mourn. Be available but respect their need to grieve in their own way.

When to Get Professional Help

Grieving is a natural process and it takes time. But symptoms that persist beyond six months or are very impairing can indicate that your child may need professional help to overcome her grief. Some signs your child may need professional help include:

Nightmares

Belief that the world is generally unsafe

Irritability, anger and moodiness

Poor concentration

Appetite or sleep disturbances

Ongoing behavior problems

Persistent regression to earlier behavior in young children, such as clinging, bedwetting or thumb-sucking

Difficulty sleeping

Detachment or withdrawal from others

Use of alcohol or drugs in teens

Inability or refusal to go to school, learn or play with friends

Anxiety

Ongoing depression

Suicidal thoughts

While your first impulse may be to protect and comfort your children, it is crucial that you seek help for your own grief. If you are parenting or supporting a grieving child, one of the best ways to help is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself, too.

Find good sources of support. Research shows us that how well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults in his life are doing. This doesn't mean hiding your grief from your child. Rather, it means ensuring that you have people and activities in your life that provide comfort. If you need help or some time to take a break and clear your head, prioritize asking for it.

By accessing support, you model for your children ways to take care of themselves, and you reassure them that you will have the energy and presence to be there for them. Be prepared to accept help from friends, relatives and possibly mental health professionals.

How Educators Can Help Kids

Schools play a major role in children's lives, and after a death - either a death in the family or in the extended school community - it is natural to expect that kids may experience grief that impacts their time at school or their ability to do schoolwork. Here are some guidelines for teachers and school psychologists on how to help make sure students feel supported and are coping in a healthy way.

Return to routine. Help students return to a normal routine as soon as possible. Kids of all ages do better when they know what to expect, and routine makes them feel safe and reassures them that the adults are in control and keeping them safe. If it's one child who has suffered a loss, work with that child's parents or caregivers to resume a normal routine as much as possible even if it means modifying classroom work and/or homework for a period of time while the child is still grieving.

Be alert. Teachers should watch for signs that a child might be struggling and need extra help. Kids who are unable to function in the classroom, withdraw from friends, display behavior problems or seem to be experiencing intense sadness, fear or anger should be referred to a guidance counselor or school psychologist who should work with the parents to get the child professional help. Other signs a child may need help include physical manifestations of intense grief, including headaches, stomachaches, intense fatigue or inability to concentrate.

Memorialize. For kids who are school-age (at least six or older), some kind of age-appropriate memorial is a helpful way to remember a teacher, administrator or student who has died. They should be kept relatively brief and tailored by grade level. A guidance counselor or school psychologist is often the best person to organize this kind of event with input from the family of the person who died.

Stay in touch. Teachers and the school administration should stay in touch with parents in the days and weeks after the death has occurred. Parents should be kept up-to-date about the school's programs and activities so they can be prepared for discussions that may continue at home.

The Role of the School After a Student Suicide

There are few things more upsetting to a community than when a teen takes his own life. Here are several things school officials and teachers can do in the wake of this kind of tragedy to make sure students feel supported.

Closely monitor students who are thought to be "at risk" since a depressed teen is at even greater risk of suicide after a peer commits suicide. Some teens turn to alcohol or drugs as a way of coping with this kind of tragedy. Parents should be advised to watch for unusual behavior in their teens, and teachers who suspect any risky behavior should refer those students to the school psychologist.

Talk about the suicide openly and matter-of-factly. Educators and parents should work together to convey consistent messages about the circumstances of the death and reduce confusion and misinformation. Hiding the facts of the suicide from students can result in anxiety and mistrust of the adults upon whom they should be able to rely for reassurance. Explaining the death in a matter-of-fact way can also prevent sensationalizing it.

Suicide should be explained in terms of an unrecognized or untreated mental illness. It should be explained (ideally by a professional therapist) that people with a mental illness often hide their pain even from those who are closest to them. And even if they were in treatment, some people can still die of suicide while seeing a therapist, just as some people can die of cancer even though they are seeing an oncologist.

Keep checking in with students. An event like the suicide of a classmate takes time for kids to process and the fallout - academic, social and emotional - may unfold over several months.

Some kids, whether they were close to the student who died or not, may feel guilty - as if they could or should have known something was wrong or could have done something to stop the suicide. It is important to stress that this is a common response when a death is hard to accept, but that there is nothing they could have done personally to change the situation.

Even though the person who died committed suicide, a school-wide memorial that celebrates his life is still a good idea so that his classmates can remember more than just the way he died. Students who want to should be encouraged to participate by speaking, sharing memories, making video montages, etc. It is important, however, not to go into too much detail about the death itself or to glamorize the death. Death is supposed to be scary and something we want to avoid. Talking too much about the details of a suicide can take away some of this scariness and make other students in the community more likely to consider suicide if they are already depressed.

By giving kids opportunities to share their feelings in a range of settings (both one-on-one and in a group) and by talking about the suicide openly, schools can help students put the death in perspective and heal in a healthy way.

Recommended Books for Kids

Samantha Jane's Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With the Loss of a Parent, by Donna Pincus, for ages 5 and up

I Miss You: A First Look at Death,by Pat Thomas, for ages 4 and up

Good Answers to Tough Questions About Death,by Joy Berry, for ages 6-12

A Complete Book About Death for Kids, by Earl Grollman, for all ages

Everett Anderson's Goodbye,by Lucille Clifton, for ages 5-8, about a father's death

My Grandson Lew, by Charlotte Zolotow, for ages 5 and up, about a grandparent's death

When Something Terrible Happens, by Marge Heegaard, for ages 8 and up

When Someone Very Special Dies, by Marge Heegaard, for ages 8 and up

Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies,by Janis Silverman, for ages 8 and up

Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, by Bryan Mellonie, for all ages

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf,by Leo Buscaglia, for all ages

The Next Place, by Warren Hanson, for all ages

This guide was last reviewed or updated on February 23, 2023.

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A guide with advice from several experts on how to help children cope with grief. Tips on what to say, who should say it and how to help.

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What Is Cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying is when someone uses technology to harass, threaten, embarrass, or target another person. It happens on devices like smartphones, computers, tablets, and gaming systems. Cyberbullying hurts people, and in some cases is against the law.

Sometimes cyberbullying can be easy to spot - for example, if your child shows you a text, comment, or post that is harsh, mean, or cruel. Other acts are less obvious, like posting someone's personal information, or using photos or videos that hurt or embarrass another person. Someone might make a fake account or screen name to harass and bully, so you don't know who the bully is.

What Are the Effects of Cyberbullying?

Kids have almost constant access to their devices, so cyberbullying is hard to escape. Kids and teens can feel like they never get a break and feel the effects very strongly.

Kids who are cyberbullied can struggle to concentrate in school, which can affect how well they do there. Cyberbullying that is severe, long-lasting, or happens a lot can cause anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders in victims and bullies. In rare cases, some kids have attempted or died from suicide.

Cyberbullies also can be suspended or expelled from school or kicked off of sports teams. Depending on the severity of the cyberbullying, kids also might be in legal trouble.

What Are the Signs of Cyberbullying?

Many kids and teens who are cyberbullied don't want to tell a teacher, parent, or trusted adults, often because they feel ashamed or fear that their devices will be taken away at home.

Signs of cyberbullying vary, but may include:

being emotionally upset during or after using the Internet or the phone

being very secretive or protective of one's digital life

spending more time than usual in their room

withdrawal from or lack of interest in family members, friends, and activities

avoiding school or group gatherings

slipping grades and "acting out" in anger at home

changes in mood, behavior, sleep, or appetite

suddenly wanting to stop using the computer or device

being nervous or jumpy when getting a message, text, or email

avoiding discussions about computer or phone activities

How Can Parents Help?

If your child is being cyberbullied

Offer comfort and support. Talking about any bullying experiences you had in your childhood might help your child feel less alone.

Let your child know that it's not their fault. Bullying says more about the bully than the victim. Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you about it. Remind your child you're in this together. Reassure your child that you'll figure out what to do.

Notify the school. Tell the principal, school nurse, or a counselor or teacher about the situation. Many schools, school districts, and after-school clubs have rules for responding to cyberbullying. These vary by district and state. But before reporting the problem, let your child know that you plan to do so, so that you can work out a plan that makes you both feel comfortable.

Encourage your child not to respond to cyberbullying. Doing so just makes the situation worse.

Keep records. Keep screen shots of the threatening messages, pictures, and texts. These can be used as evidence with the bully's parents, school, employer, or even the police.

Get help. If your child agrees, meeting with a therapist may help work through feelings. A counselor or mediator at school may work with your child alone or together with the bully.

Other things that may prevent future cyberbullying:

Block the bully. Most devices have settings that let you electronically block emails, messages, or texts from specific people.

Limit access to technology. Although it is hurtful, many kids who are bullied can't resist the temptation to check websites or phones to see if there are new messages. Keep the computer in a public place in the house and put limits on the use of cellphones and games. You might be able to turn off text messaging services during certain hours, and most websites, apps, and smartphones include parental control options that give parents access to their kids' messages and online life.

Consider monitoring your child's social media use. Programs and apps are available that can monitor kids' social media accounts and alert parents to any inappropriate language or photos. Some can give detailed reports of a child's browsing history and tell a parent how much time they spent online and on each site. Consider your child's age and digital behavior when deciding whether to monitor devices. Then, if you choose to monitor, talk to them about it and explain why it's important.

Know what sites your child uses. This is your chance to encourage kids and teens to teach you about something they know well - technology! This shows your child that you are interested in how they spend their time online, while helping you understand how to best monitor their online safety.

Be part of your kids' online world. Ask to "friend" or "follow" your child on social media sites, but do not abuse this privilege by commenting or posting anything to your child's profile. Check their postings and the sites kids visit, and be aware of how they spend their time online.

Put it in writing. Write smartphone and social media contracts for your kids that you're willing to enforce.

What Else Should I Know?

What if it's your kid who's behaving badly? While that can be upsetting, it's important to deal with the problem and not expect it to go away. No matter what's causing the bullying, tell your child that it's unacceptable. Set and enforce consequences if it continues. If needed, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and others who might be able to help.

As always, be a role model for your kids. Help them understand the benefits and dangers of the digital world. If you don't get upset and use angry words in your own posts and replies, they're less likely to. Talk about healthy ways to respond - or not - when you disagree with others.

You can learn more about how to stop bullying at Stopbullying.gov.

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Cyberbullying is the use of technology to harass, threaten, embarrass or target another person. Here are some suggestions on what to do if online bullying has become part of your child's life.

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Melbourne Child Psychology & School Psychology Services, Port Melbourne

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Does Your Child have a Technology Addiction?

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We recently addressed the issue of 'screen time' in children's and adolescents on the blog. Most of us are guilty of becoming increasingly reliant on our telephones and computers for communicating, working, paying bills and even getting from A to B... But there is a difference between reliance o ...

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Helping Your Kids Manage Media Consumption During War Time

Today, I am concentrating on 3 steps to help protect our kids from the downsides of social media and overall screen time, especially given the prevalence of violence, misinformation, and distressing content right now.

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Read the blog from the team behind Screenagers, including Tech Talk Tuesdays, the weekly blog from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

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From a hedgehog too anxious to go ice skating to a puppy who can't make his letters come out right, children's books address many emotional, behavioral and learning challenges kids face. These books help kids name and understand feelings and experiences they may be struggling with. At the Child Mind Institute we've contacted publishers all over to call in popular children's books about mental health and learning disorders and other common challenges, like dealing with painful experiences and coping with strong emotions. We included books for kids up to 12, from picture books to be read with preschoolers to chapter books for independent reading by older children. Our clinicians read them all and picked the best in each category, based on how helpful they found them. Here you will see descriptions of 77 books we like, and we hope you will find useful.

Popular children's books about abuse and establishing boundaries.

Written by Zach and Kimberly King, illustrated by Sue Rama
Popular children's books about ADHD with emphasis on why it shouldn't define them.

Written by Jeanne Kraus, illustrated by Whitney Martin
Cory tells readers about himself in this picture book with black-and-white illustrations. Cory says that sometimes kids make fun of him and he isn't sure why. "Sometimes my whole body falls off the chair!" But readers also learn that Cory has persevered, concentrating in karate class, making friends at bowling club, and helping other kids with math. The important parting message: "Nobody needs to be good at everything. But I found out that I am good at a lot of things." Ages 6-11. Published by Magination Press.

Written by Mari Schuh, illustrated by Isabel
In a warm and friendly way, Annabelle, a real girl from Long Island, New York, explains how ADHD affects her. She talks about symptoms, medication, and helpful strategies. She reassures readers that "ADHD doesn't stop me from doing most things." For instance, Annabelle is a Girl Scout and loves to swim and run. "The book has good visuals too," adds an expert from the Child Mind Institute. A Spanish language version is also available. Ages 6-9. Published by Amicus.

Popular children's books on anxiety and how they can take charge of their fears.

Written by Alex Boniello and April Lavalle, illustrated by James Kwan
A story of a kid robot who sometimes gets "the zaps" provides a clever way to introduce the concept of anxiety to kids, as well as ways to manage it. "This playful story is perfect for families looking to start open conversations about anxiety with their children while also normalizing the sensation of other emotions that come along with it," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Harry N. Abrams.

Written by Imogen Harrison
Through mazes, craft projects, and dozens of other fun exercises, kids learn how to let go of worries and remain calm. "The book will help children develop emotional awareness and recognize their feelings and how they experience them," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "From here, a wide range of practical coping strategies can be tried out, practiced, and mastered." The Calming Sparkle Jar project is especially fun. Ages 8-12. Published by Sky Pony Press.

Written by Elly Swartz
Autumn has been struggling since her best friend moved away and her dad went to Ecuador with the Peace Corps. Trying not to let her social anxiety stop her from doing something new, she applies to be the secret voice of the school newspaper's advice column - and she gets the job! When her friends write in for advice, Autumn is pushed outside her comfort zone. The book provides good examples of social anxiety-related thoughts, feeling embarrassed, words-getting-stuck syndrome, and a good theme of being brave," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 10-14. Published by Delacorte Press.

Written and illustrated by Andi Green
In this whimsical rhyming book, Wince, the monster of worries, learns that the more he worries, the more the pesky WorryBug grows. Eventually the WorryBug grows so big that it can't be ignored, and Wince knows he needs to do something. The book does a good job of illustrating how anxiety can become overwhelming and teaches kids how they can take charge of their anxiety. Ages 3-8. Published by Monsters in My Head.

Written by Danielle Marie Price, illustrated by Nana Gonzales
One day, Ellie was feeling too grumpy to eat pancakes. Her mom says, "That happens sometimes" and gets a yoga mat out of the closet. Ellie and her mom do various yoga poses and breathing exercises. Then it's pancake time! "A good introduction to mindfulness and yoga, this book highlights how trying something new can improve feelings," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Warren Publishing

Written by Nicole C. Kear, illustrated by Tracy Dockray
Seven-year-old Veronica wants to help her classmate Maya conquer her fear of bugs, which is preventing her from playing at recess. Veronica comes up with a step-by-step plan that starts with drawing a spider. "Showing gradual exposure to anxieties is a great approach," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 7-10. Published by Imprint.

Written by Marcus Stroman with Samantha Thornhill
Stroman, a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, drew on some of his childhood experiences to write this fast-paced novel. Marcus wants to be the greatest pitcher of all time, and his dad pushes him hard to achieve his goals. But Marcus doesn't believe in himself as much as his family does. Constant teasing about being short for his age begins to affect his game. Marcus's mom takes him to see a mental health coach. "Marcus shares how he copes with the aftermath of divorce, very different parenting styles, bullying, and pressure from his dad and himself to excel as a young baseball pitcher," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "Realistic and practical strategies to challenge and change negative thoughts and to practice mindfulness are woven into the narrative." The verdict: It will grip the reader from start to finish! Ages 8-14. Published by Aladdin.

In this helpful story to read before the first day of school, a cat detective gives her classmates smart advice about how to overcome their anxieties. For instance, when a fellow student tells Hattie that he's nervous about standing up in front of the class, she pulls a squishy ball out of her Worry Detective Tool Belt. Hattie uses her toolkit to playfully demonstrate useful strategies like "movement activities, tensing and releasing muscles, coping self-talk, and mindful breathing," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Viking Books for Young Readers.

Written and illustrated by Jo Rooks
A cute hedgehog turns down ice-skating and playing in the snow with his animal friends because of his worries. "What if he had forgotten how to skate? He could fall and hurt himself." When Hector receives a fun invitation to the Winter Forest Party, he hesitates for a while, and then realizes that he has to be brave. "It's an adorable story," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. "I like that Hector does a little more, and then a little more, and so on." Ages 4-8. Published by Magination Press.

By Jayneen Sanders, illustrated by Stephanie Fizer Coleman
Anxious about school, soccer practice, and monsters under his bed, baby bear worried day and night, despite his family telling him to stop worrying. But when his mom began encouraging him to talk about and even draw out his worries, the feelings began to subside. "I like that the book emphasizes the importance of sharing your thoughts and feelings," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Another plus: The book suggests questions that you can ask your child as you're reading together. Ages 6-10. Published by Educate2Empower Publishing.

Written by Victoria M. Sanchez, illustrated by Jess Golden
In this new picture book, Pilar lives and breathes ballet - she even does pliés while brushing her teeth. But auditioning for the winter ballet performance makes her feel scared, and she almost doesn't go. By using smart coping techniques, like positive thinking and talking with her friends, she's able to overcome her fears. Bravo! Ages 4-8. Published by Albert Whitman & Company.

Written and illustrated by Tom Percival
This brilliantly illustrated story stands out for helping kids visualize anxiety and see how it grows. While playing at the park, Ruby discovers a worry - it's depicted as a yellow blob with googly eyes that starts out small but gets bigger and bigger. Eventually, it stops her from doing the things she loves and she can't stop thinking about it. But when she sees a boy sitting on a park bench next to a worry of his own, she starts to talk to him. Then both of their worries begin to fade. "Kids can easily identify with the images and simple storyline," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Another notes that the story helps kids realize that everyone worries sometimes and encourages them to talk about their feelings. Ages 4-8. Published by Bloomsbury Children's Books.

Written by Alberto Soler and Concepción Roger, illustrated by Nuria Albes a

Published exclusively in Spanish, this book focuses on a girl who begins to feel anxious. "It contains a great metaphor for anxiety - a knot in the stomach - and provides ways to talk back to the anxiety bully in all of us," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by B De Blok.
Written by Dawn Huebner, illustrated by Bonnie Matthews

Popular children's books about autism and related disorders.
Written by Nancy Carlson and Armond Isaak, illustrated by Nancy Carlson

Co-written by a boy with Asperger's, this picture book "gives a simple understanding of why children with Asperger's struggle to attend parties, and talks about the importance of learning flexibility," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. (For more about the term Asperger's and its relationship to autism, see our guide to autism terminology.) Readers may relate to Armond's fear of balloons popping and not being able to think of anything to say. In the end, Armond admits to his mom that the party was hard, but he's glad he went. Ages 4-8. Published by Free Spirit Publishing.
Written by Alison Green Myers

For Axel, who has autism, the sudden changes that a tornado brings are extra hard to handle. The storm damages Axel's house and his beloved eagle's nest. His dad comes back home to help with the damage. "The book provides a great depiction of complicated and changing family dynamics," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "It features multiple autistic characters and discusses needs related to sensory and information processing." Readers who are especially interested in birds, animals, or nature will enjoy this story. Ages 9-12. Published by Dutton Children's Books.
Written by Elana K. Arnold, illustrated by Charles Santoso

On the surface, it's a sweet boy-wants-pet story. Bixby's (aka Bat's) mom is a veterinarian, and she brings home a baby skunk that he desperately wants to keep. But readers with autism may relate to chatter about itchy and uncomfortable clothes, sticking with routines, and only having friends who are grown-ups. "It does a wonderful job of describing the day-to-day experience of high-functioning children with ASD," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 6-10. Published by Walden Pond Press.
Written by Meg Eden Kuyatt

Inspired by the author's own childhood experiences on the autism spectrum, this novel in verse (poetry) explores what it's like for a 12-year-old who has to keep her feelings locked inside. She usually follows the rules for "being normal," until one day she can't hold it together anymore. Although tough at first, it's the turning point that puts her on a path to celebrate her differences rather than hiding them. "I loved this book," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "It's a beautiful story about family relationships, support, and how to communicate with people you love but can't completely relate to. It emphasizes compassion and has a great discussion about the ways that social norms help and hurt." Ages 8-12. Published by Scholastic Press.

Henry, a boy on the autism spectrum, forgets to raise his hand in school and offends his classmate Daisy by using her Latin plant name, Leucanthemum vulgare. While his fellow students sometimes find him odd or annoying, a field trip to the local botanical garden allows Henry's knowledge to shine and his classmates are wowed. "This beautifully illustrated book normalizes the common challenges of neurodiverse children," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "It also highlights that a special interest can be a source of peer connection." Ages 4-8. Published by Orca Book Publishers.
Written by Phil Bildner, illustrated by Tim Probert

Popular children's books on body image, eating disorders, and the importance of body positivity.
Written by Nabela Noor, illustrated by Nabi H. Ali

Diversity advocate and mom Nabela Noor writes a moving story about a young Bangladeshi girl who wonders if there is something wrong with the way she looks. Her worries begin after she hears her mom, dad, and sister being critical of their own weight. At dinner, the girl tells her family that she wants to go on a diet, too. Surprised by her comment, the family discusses what beauty means. "The story has a wonderful message about looking internally for beauty, watching the things we say in front of others, and sharing kindness with the world," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers.
Written and illustrated by Maggie Edkins Willis

With realistic-sounding dialogue and brilliant illustrations, this graphic novel deftly conveys the impact of eating disorders on two sisters and their family. At first, the older sister is diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Eventually the younger sister struggles with body image too. "The book presents digestible conversations about eating disorder development, treatment, and its relevance in middle and high school settings," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. It also presents healthy strategies to avoid disordered eating, such as surrounding yourself with positive friends rather than those who criticize your body. Ages 10-14. Published by Roaring Brook Press.
Written by Lisa Fipps

In this critically acclaimed novel in verse (poetry), Ellie has been bullied about her weight since she was five years old. She made "Fat Girl Rules" that she follows, including not eating in public. With a strong support network - a friend, her father, and a therapist - will she be able to put the Fat Girl Rules behind her and show the world her fabulous self? "Highlighting the importance of body positivity, this book shows the impact that therapy can have on helping someone handle difficult emotions and developing skills to voice their needs and opinions to others," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 10-14. Published by Nancy Paulsen Books.
Written by Alyson Gerber

In seventh grade, Sarah starts to feel slower on the basketball court. Her body is changing - and she doesn't like it one bit. She begins skipping meals and her discomfort with her body grows. "The book presents a nuanced take on disordered eating behaviors, including a mother's role in a child's eating and relationship with food," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 8-12. Published by Scholastic Inc.
Written by Jen Petro-Roy

The author sprinkles her personal experiences with an eating disorder into this well-organized self-help book. "It offers guidance and practical tools for those struggling with disordered eating and negative body image," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. The chapters on perfectionism, selfie culture, and clothing sizes are especially interesting. Action items include creating a self-soothing tool kit and creating a list of people you admire. Ages 9-14. Published by Feiwel & Friends.

Popular children's books that cover bullying and show ways to respond to it.
Written by Hope Gilchrist, illustrated by Zoe Jordon

Toby makes his friends laugh when he teases a classmate over his weird clothes. He's just trying to be funny and he isn't beating anyone up, so he can't be a bully - can he? This independently published paperback helps children recognize when teasing crosses the line into bullying. Ages 6-9. Published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Written and illustrated by Kevin Henkes

This sweet story prepares kids for how short-lived teasing can be. On the first day of school, Victoria picks on Chrysanthemum because she has the same name as a flower, and Chrysanthemum wilts under the ridicule. Then the students learn that a teacher has a similar name, and all of a sudden Chrysanthemum is cool. Ages 4-8. Published by Mulberry Books.
Written by Julia Cook, illustrated by Anita DuFalla

Particularly good for an anxious or literal child, this rhyming book helps distinguish between teasing and bullying. "There are two types of teasing: the nice and the mean," Cook writes. "You think that everyone's against you, but it's not like it seems." Readers will learn strategies for responding to both good-natured teasing and bullying. Ages 5-10. Published by Boys Town Press.
Written by Lisa Yee

In a fast-paced chapter book that will appeal to reluctant readers, Marley thinks seventh grade will be boring until he draws attention from the school bully. Digger pushes Marley down in the hallway, and the drama unfolds. "It's a very relatable story for kids who feel like outsiders," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Bonus: If your child is a fan of Star Wars, there are loads of references. Ages 8-12. Published by Arthur A. Levine Books.
Written by R.J. Palacio

Popular children's books about depression and handling complex emotions.

Kids and parents alike will find helpful messages in this story about a boy who feels too sad to get out of bed. The boy's parents and younger sibling try to cheer him up with jokes, silly faces, and toys. But, ultimately, it takes a lot of waiting and love. "Young children will find it helpful to see images of someone who is sad being supported and not rushed to come out of sadness," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "Plus, for parents, the story models how to validate and sit with discomfort instead of trying to fix the situation for their children." An author's note from Tomlinson, a psychologist, is directed to parents. Ages 4-8. Published by Kokila.
Written by Anna Lazowski, illustrated by Penny Neville-Lee

Sadness and other big emotions take the form of a dark cloud, a ball of worries, and a swirl of fog in this lyrical book about childhood depression. The cloud usually follows as Abigail goes about her activities, but sometimes she's able to leave it behind. At the beach, for instance, she traps it in a sandcastle and goes for ice cream. "The illustrations really help the story come to life and provide an easier way for young kids who may not have the vocabulary to describe their emotions," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "The images of the character embracing her cloud and finding enough distance from it to see light and joy are heartwarming and provide hope." Ages 4-8. Published by Kids Can Press.
Written by Diane Guerrero with Erica Moroz

An actress on TV shows such as Orange Is the New Black, Guerrero shares the heartbreaking story of her Colombian parents being deported when she was 14. She also reveals how she battled depression, and had suicidal thoughts in her early 20s. "I wanted so badly to prove that I could take care of myself. That I didn't need anyone. That I was grown-up," she writes. "By the time I admitted to myself that I did still need others, I had pushed away the people I loved." Ages 12+. Published by Henry Holt and Co.
Written and illustrated by Eva Eland

Portraying sadness as a visitor that you shouldn't be afraid of, this book makes it easier for kids to imagine the emotion as something outside themselves. When sadness arrives, the main character still reads, plays, and decides sadness doesn't want to stay indoors. "The idea of continuing to do things with sadness is important," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "It's something that's with the child, but doesn't define them." Ages 3-8. Published by Random House Books for Young Readers.

Popular children's books about dyslexia, self-esteem, and positive messages about hard work.
Aaron Slater, Illustrator

In this best-selling rhyming book, Aaron wants to be a storyteller, but he's having trouble putting a single word down on a piece of paper. Then he realizes his strength is his imagination. "The book shows that reading struggles are not rooted in lack of interest, motivation, or intelligence," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "You can feel the character's pain and joy as he finds a way to express himself." This book is printed in a dyslexia-friendly font. Ages 4-8. Published by Harry N. Abrams.
Written and illustrated by Claire Alexander

This sweet picture book follows Stan, a puppy, and his animal classmates. Stan's letters come out "back to front and upside down, and some didn't look like letters at all," but he's afraid to ask his teacher for help because he thinks the other kids will laugh at him. When he finally does, he learns that with help - and lots of practice - he can succeed. "The book sends the positive message that things will get better with a bit of hard work," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Eerdmans Books for Young Readers.
Written by Gavin Newsom with Ruby Shamir, illustrated by Alexandra Thompson

Ben, a star baseball player, is frustrated that he's not learning to read as easily as his classmates, especially Emma, who carries around big books. But everything isn't as it seems. "A sweet and simple story that provides encouragement and normalization to struggling readers, with an emphasis on reinforcing effort, practice, and hard work," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. One of the best parts: the letter at the end from California governor and the book's author, Gavin Newsom, who calls his dyslexia a gift. Ages 5-9. Published by Philomel Books.
Written by Lynda Mullaly Hunt

Popular children's books on feelings and managing complex emotions.

Especially useful for kids who have trouble verbalizing their emotions, this story demonstrates that feelings aren't always visible to others. During various stressful situations, ranging from playing goalie for the first time to starting at a new school, the book illustrates the wild swings of emotions a boy experiences. One minute there's a roller coaster screaming through his ribs, the next he's in a cave full of bats. "It also provides great examples of when those emotions may surface and models calming strategies," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Free Spirit Publishing.
Written and illustrated by Barney Saltzberg

This short rhyming book with expressive cartoon-like illustrations will help validate the big feelings of toddlers and preschoolers. A young cat, who doesn't want to be cheered up, questions "Why do I have to be happy?" before insisting that he wants to be mad for a while and throwing himself on the floor. "The book includes great analogies, such as describing anger as 'feeling like a crocodile,'" says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "I also appreciated that it's not about getting rid of the emotion, but managing it with strategies like alone time and talking to someone." Ages 3-5. Published by Orchard Books.
Written by Jo Witek, illustrated by Christine Roussey

In this sturdy book with beautiful heart-shaped cutouts, a girl explains that her heart is full of feelings. Each spread focuses on a different emotion, such as happiness, bravery, and fear. The descriptions of the feelings are particularly engaging: "Some days my heart feels as heavy as an elephant. There's a dark cloud over my head and tears fall like rain. This is when my heart is sad." Ages 3-6. Published by Harry N. Abrams.
Written by Dr. Seuss, illustrated by Steve Johnson and Lou Fancher

This little-known Dr. Seuss story gives young kids a groundwork for describing their feelings, normalizing the experience of having multiple emotions. Bonus: It will also help toddlers and preschoolers learn colors. Ages 3-5. Published by Knopf Books for Young Readers.
Written by Poppy O'Neill

Packed with 45 self-help activities that most kids as young as age eight or nine can complete on their own, this workbook could serve as a great addition to therapy or a stand-alone resource. Activities include breathing exercises, a gratitude journal, and a positivity scavenger hunt. "The book contains practical and accessible interventions that many children could benefit from," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "The information is presented in an easy-to-understand and fun format. Overall, it's a self-help book that kids will enjoy." Ages 8-12. Published by Sky Pony Press.
Written by Gibson Frazier, illustrated by Micah Player

This must-read for children who have trouble with impulse control highlights a clever technique to help manage behavior. Dash says he knows right from wrong, but that doesn't stop him from blowing out the candles on his friend's birthday cake and breaking his grandma's cookie platter. "In the story, Dash learns a grounding exercise that helps him stop and relax before he takes action," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. When Dash is tempted to fly a paper airplane in class, "the reader is able to see the difference that the grounding exercise makes with his choice." Bonus: Dash's dad takes him to fly paper airplanes after school, highlighting that there's an appropriate place for the behavior. Ages 4-8. Published by G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers.
Written and illustrated by Keith Negley

The witty illustrations in this book may be even more powerful than the text. Kids will see various "tough guys" showing emotion. An astronaut in space holds a picture of his family. A wrestler cries in the locker room. A tattooed biker regrets running over a squirrel. The final image of a father and son is particularly heartwarming. Ages 3-6. Published by Flying Eye Books.
Written and illustrated by Molly Bang

Popular children's books about grief, loss, and learning to heal.
Written by Steffanie Lorig and Rosalie Frankel

This 40-plus-page activity book uses writing and drawing to help kids work through their emotions. Activities include creating a "Circle of Strength" and using a calendar to express feelings on different days. "I use this book in therapy for grieving children and find it to be extremely effective," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 6-10. Published by Art With Heart.
Written by Pat Thomas, illustrated by Lesley Harker

This book explains, in realistic but reassuring language, why people die and how hard it can be to say goodbye. The real genius: "What About You?" boxes scattered throughout the book that contain questions you can ask children. "I particularly like that it normalizes the sad feelings around death," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by B.E.S. Publishing.
Written by Patrice Karst, illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff

This companion book to The Invisible String focuses on the death of a pet. When Zach's beloved dog dies, he's sad and angry. Zach's friend Emily tells him, "When pets aren't here anymore, an invisible leash connects our hearts to each other forever." Although skeptical at first, Zach begins to feel his dog's presence. The concept of an invisible string "is a mental and visual way to recall positive memories," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-9. Published by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers.
Written by Patrice Karst, illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff

This bestselling picture book introduces little ones to the concept of an invisible link between people, even when they're separated. In the story, a mom explains to her children that there is a "very special string made of love" that connects them to everyone they love. "When you're at school and you miss me, your love travels all the way along the string until I feel a tug on my heart," Karst writes. The story continues with explaining how far the string reaches - to a submarine captain in the ocean, a dancer in France, and even to a beloved relative in heaven. Ages 3-8. Published by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers.
Written by Holly Thompson, illustrated by Ashley Crowley

After Kai's dad died, the boy's grief manifests itself in many ways, from crying to throwing a fit to feeling flat and robotic. "The story line shows the change from struggling to recovering, and emphasizes using support networks," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Albert Whitman & Company.

In this tender tale about the loss of a pet, a black cloud forms over the head of a girl whose beloved dog, Pumpkin, has recently died. She cries so hard that she feels like there's soap in her eyes and an octopus has wrapped itself around her heart. Then she dreams that Pumpkin licks the soap from her eyes and barks at the octopus. That's when she realizes that Pumpkin will always be with her. "This book ties physical symptoms to grief and discusses always having the memories," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. This book is available in both English and Spanish language versions. Ages 4-8. Published by NuboOcho.

Following a fire at their castle home, a girl in a red cape and her fox navigate an arduous and frightening journey before reaching a bright future. Stunning illustrations and short, rhyming text convey a powerful lesson. "For children at different stages of grief, this book includes a message of hope that after the pain, things will get better," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 3-7. Published by Candlewick Press.
Written and illustrated by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Popular children's books on finding identity and appreciating differences.
Written and illustrated by Michael Hall

Popular children's books on neglect and how caregivers should act.

Written by Lauren H. Kerstain, illustrated by Natalia Moore A licensed social worker crafts a compelling and authentic story about what it feels like for a child who has lived in a lot of foster homes. When Calvin moves in with Maggie, he doesn't want to unpack his suitcase or get a goodnight hug. He accidentally breaks things multiple times, testing Maggie's patience. But she always responds with kindness and wise advice. The ending is heartwarming. "This book provides an example of building a warm relationship with a caregiver while honoring a relationship with a biological parent," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-9. Published by Magination Press.
Written by Susan Farber Straus, PhD, illustrated by Claire Keay

Written and illustrated by Beth Richey and Paula Wood

In a calm, reassuring tone, two trauma therapists explain the things that children should be able to count on from the grown-ups they belong to -basic needs, such as food, a home, schooling, safety, and love. Sometimes the adults can't provide these things, the book notes, and the kids need to be cared from by someone else. Soothing illustrations of animal characters help put children at ease, and they are assured that they deserve to have everything they need to be healthy and happy. "Using direct, child-friendly language, the book is particularly helpful for kids who see Children Protective Service workers or lawyers," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8.Published by Warren Publishing.

Popular children's books on OCD and related disorders.
Written by Elly Swartz

In this moving chapter book, 12-year-old Molly Nathan struggles with undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder as she navigates middle school friendships and life without her mom, who has temporarily relocated for a job. Early on, many of Molly's OCD tendencies - like organizing takeout menus alphabetically and looking for the patterns in phone numbers - are casually woven into a story line that focuses on her desire to win the poetry slam so her mom will come home for the banquet. But, as time passes, her OCD worsens: "I used to just wash my hands, and then I started washing my hands a lot, and now I scrub them raw," Swartz writes. When Molly becomes fixated on counting, her dad takes her to a doctor who provides her diagnosis. Ages 9-14. Published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Written and illustrated by Veronica Agarwal and Lee Durfey-Lavoie

Maggie, a sixth grader, tries to live up to her older sister's achievements in this graphic novel that spotlights anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. When she comes home from school, Maggie goes through a ritual of switching the lights on and off. She also rolls a 20-sided die to help her make decisions. Although she resists therapy at first, she eventually goes. "Maggie comes to terms with her behavior, puts a name to it, and copes with it," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. References to Dungeons and Dragons as well as anime help engage reluctant readers. Ages 8-12. Published by Random House Graphic.
Written by Holly L. Niner, illustrated by Greg Swearingen

Before he goes to sleep, Kevin asks his mom the same questions over and over and lines things up neatly so "his mind doesn't get sweaty." By the end of the story, Kevin's OCD has improved thanks to therapy and medication. Ages 7-12. Published by Albert Whitman & Comp a ny.
Written by Wesley King

This YA book combines a coming-of-age tale with a mystery novel. The protagonist is 13-year-old Daniel, who hides his "zaps" - rearranging cups into geometric patterns, tying his shoes a lot, and counting things - from other kids at school and at football practice. Written in the first person, "this book does an excellent job of describing the stigma and has a very accurate description of how obsessions and compulsions take hold," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Eventually, Daniel discovers that he has OCD, moves toward self-acceptance, and helps a friend solve a mystery. Ages 12+. Published by Simon & Schuster/Paula Wiseman Books.
Written by Aureen Pinto Wagner, PhD, illustrated by Paul A. Jutton

Popular children's books on self-esteem and celebrating our differences.
Written by Allia Zobel Nolan, illustrated by Miki Sakamoto

This collection of six stories, published exclusively in Spanish, is designed to increase a child's self-esteem. "The book has great visuals and provides suggestions for parents and teachers," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 7-9. Published by Beascoa.

Popular children's books on selective mutism and learning to speak in public.
Written by Dr. Melissa Giglio and Daisy Geddes Illustrated by Ira Baykovsk

This sweet, rhymed story is about a little girl who is lively and boisterous at home but freezes up and can't speak when she's at the playground or at school. Her parents encourage her to try "brave talking" and she practices until her confidence swells and her words flow. "It introduces facing fears by taking small steps and illustrates how it takes practice to build brave muscles," says a selective mutism expert from the Child Mind Institute. Ages 4-8. Published by Brave Mighty Minds.
Written and illustrated by Elaheh Bos

Written by Julie Mensh Graham

This tells the story of a turtle with selective mutism whose friends are patient and take the time to interact with her without putting pressure on her to speak. "This gives her a chance to relax and get comfortable enough to use her brave voice," notes a Child Mind Institute expert. "Helpful strategies for kids with SM, as well as for their family and friends, are woven into the narrative."Ages 3 and up. Published by Nightingale Books

Popular children's books on sensory processing and finding courage.
Written by Sally J. Pla, illustrated by Steve Wolfhard

Popular children's books on tourette's syndrome and related disorders.
Written by Ellie Terry

Toggling between verse and prose, this book is written from the points of view of two students: Calli, who has Tourette's Syndrome, and her classmate Jinsong. Most students tease and reject Calli because of her tics. "I walk into the boys' locker room, and all I hear is: 'The new girl wears old clothes. The new girl rolls her eyes. The new girl makes creepy sounds with her throat," says Jinsong. "It's all true. But somehow it feels wrong to hear them say it." Readers will be satisfied by the end of the story when Calli begins to stand up for herself and find confidence, says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. Ages 8-12. Published by Square Fish.
Written by Dusti Bowling

Popular children's books covering trauma and helping children understand traumatic experiences.
Written by Margaret M. Holmes, illustrated by Cary Pillo

When Sherman, a raccoon, saw something that upset him, he became nervous, didn't sleep well, and felt sad. "Through Sherman, the book explains the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder in simple terms that young children can understand," says an expert at the Child Mind Institute. "The book also covers the importance of talking about traumatic things to help feel better." Another plus: The story doesn't specify exactly what happened to Sherman, so the book could be useful in many situations. Ages 5-9. Published by Magination Press.
By Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

During World War II, 10-year-old Ava escapes her traumatic life with her mom and goes to the countryside, where she learns to ride a pony and read. But in the country she is still struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder; for instance, going into a bomb shelter reminds her of being locked in a kitchen cabinet in her mom's apartment. Because of some mature language and themes, it's better read with your child. Ages 9-12. Published by Puffin Books.
Written and illustrated by Beth Richey and Paula Wood

Two social workers team up on this book for children who have experienced physical abuse. Using cute illustrations of animals, the book explains that it's not okay for a grown-up to hurt a child, no matter what the child has done. It also acknowledges that children may have conflicting feelings about the person who hurt them. "The book uses direct and child-friendly language," says an expert from the Child Mind Institute. "It also does a good job explaining what abuse means." Ages 4-8. Published by Warren Publishing.

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77 Children's Books About Mental Health - Child Mind Institute

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Explore our favorite children's books on everything from ADHD to trauma. Help your kids understand the emotional and learning challenges they may be experiencing.

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11 Social Media Red Flags Parents Should Know About

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Find out which social media features are cause for concern -- no matter which app your kid is using. Advice from Common Sense Media editors.

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What to do if you are being blackmailed on instagram

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What to do if you are being blackmailed on instagram

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How to Deal With Instagram Blackmail - Minc Law

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If you are the target of Instagram blackmail, remain calm, stop engaging with the perpetrator, do not give in to their demands, and report it to the platform.

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The concept

Popularised by Stephen Covey (1), this concept explores three spheres:

1. The Circle of Concern - the wide range of worries we might have about a topic

2. The Circle of Influence - a narrowing of the first circle into those worries we can do something about - either directly or indirectly

3. The Circle of Control - an even smaller circle, representing the things we can actually directly do something about

Human beings can choose where they focus their energy and attention. If we focus on the concerns outside our influence, we risk increasing our stress and falling into the space of accusing, blaming, and victimisation.

By choosing to focus on the circle of influence - we move into a more proactive space. Rather than spending energy on things we can do nothing about, we can take steps that make a positive difference - calling on our strengths and connections. And we can also choose to let go of concerns that are not serving us well.

Why it's useful

Facilitating this thinking in yourself, or in others, helps to limit wasteful rumination and inaction. Altering thinking to a proactive focus can enhance productivity, help people see a greater connection to progress and achievement, and also to build resilience.

How/when to apply it

When your team member is trying to make sense of a challenge, consider:

1. Sharing the concept with them and the ideas behind it.

2. Draw a circle and have them brainstorm all the areas of concern for the current issue.

3. On another page, draw two circles - this time with the circle of influence in the middle. Referring to the first circle, ask questions to help identify things that are in their sphere of influence - things they can either control or influence - and clearly identify those things that are not. Jot them down.

4. When you hear a response such as "I can't do anything about that?" challenge that thinking to see if there is any room to expand the sphere of influence - "What would need to happen for that to change?" What is one small thing that could help here?' Self-limiting beliefs might be at play here.

5. Once it is clear what is outside the sphere of influence and control - help them understand that there is no value in spending any more time worrying about them. It is time to put them to one side and 'let them go'.

6. Encourage them to commit to an action plan

7. Agree appropriate touch points to check-in on progress.

Want more?

Want a 2 page summary of this 'Leadership Bite'?

Click this link to access a printable 2 page summary of this 'Leadership Bite'

Want to see the other 'Leadership Bites'?

Click here to see them.

Want to see previous posts on a similar topic - click here

(1) Original source of concept - Covey, S.R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York: RosettaBooks LLC.

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Popularised by Stephen Covey (1), this concept explores three spheres: The Circle of Concern - the wide range of worries we might have about a topic The Circle of Influence - a narrowing of the first circle into those worries we can do something about - either directly or indirectly The Circle of Control - an even smaller circle, representing the things we can actually directly do something about Human beings can choose where they focus their energy and attention.

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Talking to our kids about violence- tips for parents

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Talking to our kids about violence- tips for parents

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National Association of School Psychologists (NASP)

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High profile acts of mass violence, particularly in schools, can confuse and frighten children and youth who may feel in danger or worry that their friends or loved ones are at risk. They will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react. Adults themselves may struggle with the growing reality of mass violence in the United States, particularly gun violence. However, caregivers and school personnel have a responsibility to help children and youth feel safe by establishing a sense of normalcy and security, reinforcing their natural resilience, and talking with them about their fears.

1. Reassure children that they are safe. Remind them that you and other adults are there to protect them. Emphasize that schools are generally very safe, even though the news may contribute to the perception that they are not. Indeed, research is clear that schools are among the safest places for children and that the likelihood that any individual child will experience violence at school is very low.

2. Validate children's feelings. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy occurs. Let children talk about their feelings, help put them into perspective, and assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately. If appropriate for the child, acknowledge that the prevalence of mass violence in this country is disturbing and unacceptable, and that many adults are working to address the problem.

3. Make time to talk. Let children's questions be your guide as to how much information to provide. Be patient; children and youth do not always talk about their feelings readily. Watch for clues that they may want to talk, such as hovering around while you do the dishes or yard work. Some children prefer writing, playing music, or doing an art project as an outlet. Young children may need concrete activities (such as drawing, looking at picture books, or imaginative play) to help them identify and express their feelings.

4. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate.

Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that their school and homes are safe and that adults are there to protect them. Give simple examples of school safety like reminding children about exterior doors being locked, child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day.

Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Discuss efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools.

Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. Emphasize that adults are responsible for keeping students safe but that they can have a role in maintaining safe schools by following school safety guidelines (e.g., not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats to school safety made by students or community members), communicating any personal safety concerns to school administrators, and accessing support for their mental health needs.

5. Review safety procedures. This should include procedures and safeguards at school, in the community, and at home. Help children identify at least one adult at school and in the community to whom they go if they feel threatened or at risk.

6. Observe children's emotional state. Some children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child's level of anxiety or discomfort. In most children, these symptoms will ease with reassurance and time. However, some children may be at risk for more intense reactions. Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, who suffer from depression or other mental illness, or who have special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others. Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are at all concerned.

7. Limit access to television and social media attention to these events. Limit television viewing and be aware if the television is on in common areas. Developmentally inappropriate information can cause anxiety or confusion, particularly in young children. Adults also need to be mindful of the content of conversations that they have with each other in front of children, even teenagers, and limit their exposure to vengeful, hateful, and angry comments that might be misunderstood.

8. Correct misinformation. Speculating or spreading rumors about the specifics of a violent event can unnecessarily escalate anxiety and fear. Emphasize that law enforcement and other designated authorities have the most accurate information. Counter misconceptions that people with mental illness are more inclined toward violence. This isn't true. In fact, people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. Experts, including the FBI, emphasize that it takes a combination of multiple, often cascading, factors to lead someone to violence.

9. Maintain a normal routine. Keeping to a regular schedule can be reassuring and promotes physical health. Ensure that children get plenty of sleep, regular meals, and exercise. Encourage them to keep up with their schoolwork and extracurricular activities but don't push them if they seem overwhelmed. Support healthy social connections.

10. Talk about steps children and youth can take to make a positive difference. The ability to take action, even in small ways, can help reduce anxiety and promote resilience. Help children and youth identify organizations they can support or things they can do either related to violence prevention or simply to make a positive contribution to their family, school, or broader community.

Suggested Points to Emphasize When Talking to Children

Schools are safe places. School staff work with families and public safety providers (such as local police and fire departments, emergency responders, and hospitals) to keep you safe.

Our school building is safe because ... (cite specific school procedures).

Adults are responsible for keeping you safe, but we can all play a role in school safety. Be observant and let an adult know if you see or hear something that makes you feel uncomfortable, nervous, or frightened.

There is a difference between reporting and ratting, tattling, or gossiping. You can provide important information that may prevent harm either directly or anonymously by telling a trusted adult what you know or hear.

Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never happen, it is important to understand the difference between the possibility of something happening and the probability that it will affect you (or our school community) directly. Even though any act of mass violence is horrible and unacceptable, the statistical likelihood of experiencing such violence in school is low. Based on data from the 2020-2021 school year, any given school might experience a shooting with casualties about once every 1,400 years. For perspective, 1,400 years ago was 623 A.D. Furthermore, the chance of getting injured or killed at school is about 1 in 450,000 (or .0000022%), with less than 3% of youth homicides of any kind occurring at school.

Senseless violence is hard for everyone to understand. Doing things we enjoy, sticking to our normal routine, and being with friends and family help make us feel better and help keep us from worrying about the event.

Sometimes people do bad things that hurt others. They may be unable to handle their anger, be under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or suffer from mental illness. Adults (parents, teachers, police officers, doctors, faith leaders) work very hard to get those people help and keep them from hurting others. It is important for all of us to know how to get help if we feel really upset or angry and to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

Stay away from guns and other weapons unless under adult supervision with the proper training. Tell an adult if you know someone has a gun. Access to guns is the leading risk factor for deadly violence.

Violence is never a solution to personal problems. Students can be part of the positive solution by participating in antiviolence programs at school, learning conflict mediation skills, and seeking help from adults if they are or a peer is struggling with anger, depression, or other emotions they cannot control.

NASP has additional information for parents and educators on school safety, violence prevention, children's trauma reactions, and crisis response at www.nasponline.org.

Please cite this document as: National Association of School Psychologists. (2023). Talking to children about violence [Handout].

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Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Families and Educators

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High profile acts of mass violence, particularly in schools, can confuse and frighten children and youth who may feel in danger or worry that their friends or loved ones are at risk. They will look to...

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Do we all view success in the same way? A great reflection of a journey through transition, relationships and the meaning of success.

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Do we all view success in the same way? A great reflection of a journey through transition, relationships and the meaning of success.

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Updated: Feb 1

'The Narrow Definition of Success' by Valérie Besanceney was originally posted on her website Roots with Boots on Dec 16, 2022

The Illusion of Thriving

What is your definition of success? And more importantly, how does your definition of success affect the next generations, whether you are a parent, an educator, a family member, or a friend ? Like many, throughout my childhood I was led to believe that success could be measurable - through education, through professional and personal experiences, and through monetary compensation. Moving around and adjusting to various local and international schools, I was a poster child of a 'successful' Third Culture Kid (TCK)¹, even though at the time I didn't even know what a TCK was. While coping with the challenges of being a teenager, I changed secondary schools three times before I graduated, but still 'thrived'. I made friends wherever I went, performed well academically, participated in various extracurriculars, and was actively engaged in planning a 'successful' future and applying to colleges in the USA. And even though I didn't end up being accepted into my 'dream' school, I was thrilled to take off for the University of Vermont in the fall of 1995. Until, one day, during my freshman year, I wasn't okay. Not okay at all. My roommates and classmates who didn't know me well (yet), didn't quite know what to do with this girl from Europe who didn't seem to be adjusting so well. My friends from 'back home' were going through their own trials and tribulations. As my sense of loneliness amplified with each passing day, I would re-read letters from dear friends trying to hold on to the friendships I missed. It was 1995, international phone calls were ridiculously expensive and emailing between friends was non-existent. My parents tried to support me from afar and were of split minds between me needing a grand kick in the butt or some kind of counseling. The latter was something I had a very negative association with at the time and felt a deep shame about the mere consideration. Meanwhile, my anxiety increased and I was panicking more and more because I had no idea what was happening to me. Why wasn't I okay? Why wasn't I loving my freshman year in the place where I had dreamed of going to university? Why wasn't I reaping all the benefits that this privileged life was offering?

In hindsight, the lack of professional counseling was frightful, and it's very encouraging that there are so many more support options offered within the international and tertiary education systems today, as the need for support is only growing.² Although I had nailed adjusting everywhere with my family's love and support, once I left the comfort of that nest, I had no idea who I was. I desperately wanted to 'go home', but didn't know where that was. I now know that meant I just wanted to belong. My entire childhood and early adulthood I had been so busy fitting in everywhere that I never really belonged anywhere. Where were my roots and what did that even mean? Why is it important that we address the narrow definition of success?

In my work as an International Education and Transitions Consultant today, I find that many children (and adults) are still feeling pressured by a narrow definition of success, either coming at them from their parents and/or their school, culture and society. If I learned anything throughout the last 20 years of working in education and transition-care, it's that stories connect us. By sharing my story, I encourage parents, and particularly parents of TCKs (and their educators, family members and friends), to take note, pause and reflect. Perhaps my story, and yours, can help another young TCK shape their own definition of success. We can only expect our students and children to communicate their own vulnerabilities when the adults around them do the same. A recentCIS Briefing on Cross-Cultural Transitions into Higher Education reiterates a need to offer parents more resources about the pressures students feel and fear of "choosing the wrong path".

In his current work of implementing the Learner Passport at Ecolint (Geneva, Switzerland), Dr Conrad Hughes confirms "it's important that school leaders today put pressure on parents; universities, to broaden our understanding of pathways"³. "Unresolved grief will always express itself somehow"⁴ and can manifest itself later in life in different forms. In the educational world, we are starting to acknowledge the importance of "education for wellbeing"⁵ for all children. It is essential that these (often difficult) conversations around mental health happen in our homes and in our classrooms and school auditoriums, and not only in the counseling office. We need to reach out to every child, and listen to their stories and help them find answers to their questions, and make it clear that there is support for you if you are struggling - so that the ones who reach out for support get it, and so that those 'seem to be doing so well' don't fall between the cracks. The Kaleidoscope That Shaped My Own Definition My definition of success was shaped by the combination of the cultures I grew up in and the (intentional and unintentional) expectations of those who loved me. From an early age, I was torn between what I thought others expected of me and what I thought I wanted to be. Like many kids, I felt slightly rebellious towards the "Should Train"⁶. I should go to college. I should get a degree. I should get married. I should have children. I should become a strong, independent woman. The latter one I agreed with, but I wasn't sure about the other ones. In my children's book,B at Home: Emma Moves Again , "Emma realizes home will never ever be one place. It will be constantly moving. Like the waves, like the beads in the kaleidoscope." And just like home, and my sense of belonging, that definition of success continues to shift and fall into place. Teenage angst and inexperience created confused ambitions for 'when I grow up'. Slowly but surely throughout my twenties, I redefined my own concept of success, but there were many bumps along the way as I dipped my feet into some ill-fitting jobs and tried to live up to the expectations of those around me, instead of listening to what mattered in my heart. Today, my path has brought me to advocate for excellent transitions-care within and between schools, as the Executive Director for Safe Passage Across Networks (SPAN) and founder of Roots with Boots . For the first half of my life, I fitted in trying to belong, until I realized I was just fitting in, not belonging anywhere.⁷ It wasn't until I explored what it meant to belong to myself, and what hopes and dreams were reflected in my own definition of success, that I was able to choose the path that was right for me, even if it meant having challenging conversations with those close to me. "Belonging is belonging to yourself first, speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people."⁸ There is a pattern around belonging in my life. My yearbook quote was: "All You Have to Be is You". My first published book was calledB at Home . My work today revolves around transitions-care, where the difference between belonging and fitting in is often discussed. And as I try to do this work well, I have had to look deeply inwards, learn to accept myself with all my shortcomings and strengths, and process the deep grief that comes with life's transitions (and not just the ones that involve mobility). Not only does it help to be able to tell your own story, research has shown that "children who have the most self-confidence have [...] a strong 'intergenerational self'. They know they belong to something bigger than themselves."⁹ By simply knowing their family history, and the challenges that the generations before them faced, also in terms of mental health, they become more resilient. This journey taught me that one can only be successful when we feel comfortable about who we are, and develop a strong sense of belonging to oneself, something that's not always easy for most teens, let alone for those who 'grow up among worlds'¹⁰. It taught me that when you allow yourself to broaden your lens, you often start to see many more paths ahead, and none of them are necessarily right or wrong - it's the path you choose and how you choose to walk it. Growing up Among Different Worlds and Definitions Growing up with Dutch values and norms, a phrase that has stuck with me from an early age was'doe maar normaal dan doe je al gek genoeg' (just act normal, that's crazy enough). This stance shaped my early definition of success as I tried to navigate my own path from child to teen, and from teen to young adult, influenced by local school systems and international schools. Like many children, my ambitions changed often and drastically, all while (like many TCKs) perfecting my chameleon-like skills to blend in wherever I was. After 'successfully' reintegrating into Dutch culture as an 8-year-old, following three years at the Inter-Community School in Zürich, I quickly learned to drop the English words when I forgot the Dutch ones, to blend in, and by all means not to stand out. Not standing out meant fitting in. So by age 13, I biked to school every morning with my friends, tried to be cool and smoked cigarettes during break times with my peers, made sure to predominantly aim for 7s (C/B-'s) at the Dutch Gymnasium that I attended, and spent my summer at sailing camp. Overall, I felt confident that I belonged and remember this as a time of general happiness.

That January, we moved and I switched from my very Dutch school to the very American International School of Luxembourg. I recall feeling sad to leave, yet excited - the typical rollercoaster of emotions. My new friends all aimed for the sky academically and anything below an A- apparently was deemed unacceptable. I observed, adapted, and did what I needed to do to fit in, desperately wanting to belong. Before I knew it I was elected into the Junior National Honor Society, joined the Drama Club, and played numerous ball sports. Technically, I was considered much too short to play on any of the school teams, but the teams were so small that they encouraged me to play, a positive example of challenging what you 'need' to be. I started to develop a very strong sense of 'belonging' to a very American school culture in an international school. Exactly three years later we moved in January, again, half way through the school year. In hindsight, that never really helped in the transition process. I left the comfortable community in Luxembourg for Collège du Léman in Geneva, Switzerland. During this time, as a confused teenager and daughter, I began to witness to my dad's challenges with mental health, and the narrow definition of success that he had grown up with certainly played a role in it. At the time, wellbeing and mental health were not openly discussed, and certainly negatively stigmatized by many of his generation. Early on, I realized that my father must have felt a lot of pressure, much of which he had put on himself. As a teenager I didn't understand how it could lead to the dark places he found himself in. I was left frightened by the consequences and potential outcomes of the label of 'depression'. I had only yet to find out how all that unresolved grief would lead to a life-long battle for him and our family. I was scared, and sad and angry. The rollercoaster of emotions had significantly become more intense. However, the chameleon in me was determined to just get on with it. I adjusted academically, made friends and 'thrived' as I threw myself into extra-curricular activities there as well. Yet, I never quite felt I belonged. As ideas for the future started to take shape, I strongly leaned towards wanting to pursue a liberal arts degree in America, even though my parents encouraged me to stay in Europe. I had no idea what I wanted to study, but I was feeling quite passionate about finding out where I belonged, on my terms, by myself, far away in a country I had never really known. Then one day, a few weeks before graduation, the pages of my senior Yearbook stared back at me. There was a picture of me, next to a dear friend: 'Most Likely To Succeed'. I felt very unsettled. The Dutch voice 'doe maar normaal dan doe je al gek genoeg' played over and over in my head. I remember feeling embarrassed, and envious of those who had been chosen 'Most Friendly' or 'Most Original' or 'Most Talented' - all much loftier titles in my mind. Admittedly, I also sensed a feeling of shame and failure, because the Ivy League College that I really wanted to attend had 'rejected' me and I was setting off in a few months time to my 'back up' choice, still determined to go to America. Growing up, I never had a clear idea about what I wanted to be 'when I grew up'. This embarras du choix is a luxury for many international school kids, and my answers varied between a lawyer, an author, a ski instructor, a Bread & Breakfast owner, a translator, a tour guide, a journalist, a flight attendant, a bookshop keeper ... different answers depending on local time, space, and place. I do recall feeling passionate about one thing. I wanted to do something I really enjoyed, I wanted to pursue a life of happiness. I didn't want to end up pursuing a career that would lead me to a life of eventual resentment, or even worse - 'depression'. I thought I knew exactly what I didn't want, yet wasn't able to articulate what I did want or how to get there. Deep down, I also felt a lot of pressure to choose 'wisely'. Many of my ideas were not considered a 'true career'. However, my favorite uncle, who had modeled giving up a 'true career' (banking) for his 'passion work' (journalism), had given me an old, very loved, Dutch version of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, and told me it was about a person that is looking for a simple, good life. That's what I wanted, but I had no idea how. The ambition of living a purposeful life wasn't something I was able to put into words, let alone with a job title in mind. By virtue of attending international schools, I grew up in extreme privilege. Observing peers growing up in excessive wealth around me taught me that money did not buy happiness. I had every intention to become independent and self-sufficient, but I never had the ambition to make a lot of money. On the contrary, I was critical of those who did (in hindsight, that was part of a narrow mindset as well). Switching the Narrative Yet, here I was in the Yearbook, 'Most Likely to Succeed'. Most likely to succeed made me think of people who made a fortune pursuing power careers. I didn't want to be like that, so why would anyone perceive me to be like that? Wow. And there you have it. As an 18 year-old, my definition of success was extremely narrow. Why? Because, even though I was brought up to be a young, open-minded, internationally-minded, and culturally competent young adult, I somehow still grew up believing that success was ultimately about what you achieved academically, where you ended up professionally, how financially well off you were, and even who you interacted with socially. All notions I rebelled against as a young adult, yet my gut reaction about being voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' told another story about what I had subconsciously sculpted as my own definition of success. And then, one friend set me straight in a way that I will never ever forget. As I lamented my new position in our class of '95, he said, "Valérie, I never voted for you because I thought you would be successful like that, I voted for you because I think that, down the road, you will be most likely to be happy in life. That's success." I am forever grateful to his words. He was right. It was only years later that I realized that I needed to switch the narrative. I stopped asking myself "what do others expect from me to be successful?" and started asking myself "what choices am I making that will contribute to my sense of belonging and happiness?" And eventually "what can I do to help others manage transitions better to find a sense of belonging and happiness?" Today, many of us link success to happiness. Even more so since the pandemic, the definition of success seems to be shifting towards prioritizing mental health over material wealth. And given my family history, I feel strongly about our children and students being taught about well-being and preventative mental health care explicitly - at home and at school. However, happiness is never a constant state of being. Happiness is simply some moments that string together the journey we are each on, together with the plethora of other moments that are not necessarily 'happy'. The Narrow Definition versus the Broad Scope of Opportunities The pain point is that there are a lot of young people who feel that they are not in a position to ask themselves questions about their own personal notions of success, because they are too concerned about pleasing others' notions of success. It's alarming that many international school students today still feel like they need to live up to certain expectations that reflect success in a more conventional way: big name schools, financial security, respectful titles. Of course, success in terms of 'happiness' cannot be quantified whereas financial success can be. Many people who aspire to make a lot of money, often have deliberate notions of what constitutes happiness for them and work very hard to achieve their own sense of happiness. Regardless of income, when you do what you love, you are still working hard and arguably even harder. Perhaps it's a little easier to do so every day simply because you are happy doing so. This is what my uncle taught me, and it broke my heart when died at the age of 48, only two years after he had made his career switch. Recently, I opened up my Yearbook and reflected on what I achieved since the day I first looked at that picture. After obtaining various degrees and exploring a few professional opportunities, I became an international school teacher. More specifically, I became passionate about education, about helping children reach their own personal potential and specifically, about how mobility affects their education and potential. In the back of my head, the phrase 'those who can't, teach' haunted me early on, and I know that some people who I am very close to never quite saw it as 'a real career'. I would argue that educators have the most important career in terms of helping shape the world's future. Our society is simply dependent on those who have the ability to inspire and shape young minds, and it's part of our collective responsibility to help our students broaden their own definition of success, where all children can flourish to the best of their abilities, potentials and passions. The world of international education offered my husband and me a way to teach while traveling the world, both of which we did zealously. In the last few years we built our home where we met almost 20 years ago. I am incredibly fortunate to be the mother of two amazing cross-cultural children, and we work hard to help them create their own definition of success, without judgment. First and foremost, I love and deeply treasure our life as a family. And I am privileged to say that I am also passionate about what I do professionally. Eventually, I chose to leave the primary classroom so that I could focus on my passion for transitions-care. It has been and is the most rewarding professional experience to be part of an incredibly inspiring team of thought leaders, researchers, and educators atSafe Passage Across Networks (SPAN). It is truly a gift to work on a daily basis with people who truly lead by example as we strive to support attachment security and positive transitions-care within and between schools. My Definition of Success Am I successful? By some people's definitions, no. By other people's definitions, yes. At this point, does it matter what anyone else's definition of success is? Quite frankly - absolutely not. I have worked incredibly hard to be where I am today, and I am proud of where I am. And it's not necessarily the degrees or titles that matter, it's all the life experiences that make you uniquely qualified to do what you do well. As I mentioned, success, much like happiness, finds its way to you in moments. Is this it? No, this is not it, and I am still on my journey of the string that connects the moments of happiness and success. It's the most precious and the most ordinary moments that I spend with my dearest loved ones.

It's the moments when I am told that I made a positive difference in someone's life, or in their child's life. It's the moments when I find myself eating dinner in a quaint restaurant in a back alley of Madrid with colleagues who have turned into trusted mentors and close friends (and our first face to face get together after three years). Over seafood and wine, I found myself sharing my thoughts that I had in a quiet moment to myself earlier that evening. As I had been overlooking a mesmerizing sunset over Madrid, I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. Grateful to be at an in-person conference that emphasized the importance of positive transitions-care. Grateful to be able to have dinner with them and the previous evening with one of my best friends from my time in Vermont who now teaches in Madrid. Grateful to be able to travel to the conference with dear friends from my hometown in Switzerland, because they were representing the school they work for. Grateful to even be able to travel, because my incredibly supportive husband was holding down the fort at home with our two children. Grateful to be able to refer to home, and know exactly what that meant in my heart. It's the moments where we feel that sense of purpose in our personal and professional lives, and it often is related to a sense of true belonging and inner peace. Not just a sense of belonging with others, but even more so with ourselves. The moments where we are at peace with ourselves and the world around us, even when it can be very dark and ugly. When we can share our moments of happiness and success with our near and dear loved ones, with our community, our tribe, we can consider ourselves fortunate. When we can share and feel supported during our most challenging moments, and when even the moments of support contribute to our wellbeing, we can consider ourselves truly blessed. And that, to me, is success. How You Can You Help the Next Generations It is important to discuss success with our children and/or students. It's important that we ask ourselves the questions: What do we applaud them for and why does it matter how we encourage them to 'reach for the stars'? What happens when we unintentionally impose our notions of success and aspirations, and possibly even unfulfilled dreams of our own, onto them?

How can you help your children or your students broaden their own definition of success? By having an honest conversation with them about your own definition of success and how it was created. By whom and what was it influenced? Tell them about your missteps and challenges. Let them know your achievements, however humble or grand. Most of all, share how your own notions of success may have evolved over time, and what you value(d) most in your own journey. And then ask them what success means to them. And listen, without judgment. I cringe when I hear people asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' Instead, be curious about who they aspire to be. They will likely have many different jobs in life, but throughout all of them they will need to learn to be comfortable with who they are, their roots, their sense of belonging. Allow them to gain ownership of their own definition and support them in their choices. Just like you know that you cannot expect your Cross Cultural Kid (CCK)¹¹ to fully embrace your own culture in exactly the same way you do, you cannot expect your child, who is growing up in a different world than you did, to have the same notions of success. Ruth Van Reken, co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, and our SPAN Vice- Chair, reminded me early in my career the importance of comfort before encouragement. She led by example when she comforted me about my own TCK experience and then encouraged me to keep writing, after I coyishly sent her the first three chapters of B at Home. Comfort children in the challenges as they sculpt their own definition of success. Let them know they do not need to limit themselves to a narrow definition that doesn't even resonate with them as they explore their own definition. Help them understand that - whatever their dreams may be - they will inevitably become more successful through their own lens if they learn to become resilient and perseverant. And that meaningful relationships, with themselves and other others, will help them at every step of the way. Encourage them to value themselves for who they are, completely, and for they aspire to be. Remember that judgment is the opposite of love and with love comes freedom to live life to the fullest.Success is being able to see you for you, to accept you for you, and to see the potential in yourself. To belong to yourself. Just like my dear classmate, who helped me shape my definition of success by offering me another lens, you can support others to do the same. It's okay if it changes many times before they feel they are landing. It inevitably will, and even when your child or student feels a sense of achievement, the kaleidoscope will move again. New ambitions will show up on the horizon, and they will continue to grow, and most importantly in who they are, not what they are.

Footnotes: ¹ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.15-33. ² Richtel, M. New York Times article published on May 8, 2022: Hundreds of Suicidal Teens Sleep in Emergency Rooms. Every Night. ³ Hughes, C. 30 minutes with Conrad Hughes...International School of Geneva . ​​School Management Plus Education for Wellbeing. April 27, 2022. ⁴ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.86-102. ⁵ Hughes, C. (2022). Thematic Notes N.7 Curriculum on the Move: Education for Wellbeing , Unesco International Bureau of Education. ⁶ Feiler, Bruce in an interview with Atlanta History Center (2020). ⁷ Brené Brown distinguishes 'fitting in' from 'belonging' here ⁸ Brené Brown: The Call to Courage on Netflix ⁹ Marshall Duke, psychologist at Emory University: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html ¹⁰ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.4 ¹¹ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. P.35-52.

'The Narrow Definition of Success' by Valérie Besanceney was originally posted on her website Roots with Boots on Dec 16, 2022

The Illusion of Thriving

What is your definition of success? And more importantly, how does your definition of success affect the next generations, whether you are a parent, an educator, a family member, or a friend ? Like many, throughout my childhood I was led to believe that success could be measurable - through education, through professional and personal experiences, and through monetary compensation. Moving around and adjusting to various local and international schools, I was a poster child of a 'successful' Third Culture Kid (TCK)¹, even though at the time I didn't even know what a TCK was. While coping with the challenges of being a teenager, I changed secondary schools three times before I graduated, but still 'thrived'. I made friends wherever I went, performed well academically, participated in various extracurriculars, and was actively engaged in planning a 'successful' future and applying to colleges in the USA. And even though I didn't end up being accepted into my 'dream' school, I was thrilled to take off for the University of Vermont in the fall of 1995. Until, one day, during my freshman year, I wasn't okay. Not okay at all. My roommates and classmates who didn't know me well (yet), didn't quite know what to do with this girl from Europe who didn't seem to be adjusting so well. My friends from 'back home' were going through their own trials and tribulations. As my sense of loneliness amplified with each passing day, I would re-read letters from dear friends trying to hold on to the friendships I missed. It was 1995, international phone calls were ridiculously expensive and emailing between friends was non-existent. My parents tried to support me from afar and were of split minds between me needing a grand kick in the butt or some kind of counseling. The latter was something I had a very negative association with at the time and felt a deep shame about the mere consideration. Meanwhile, my anxiety increased and I was panicking more and more because I had no idea what was happening to me. Why wasn't I okay? Why wasn't I loving my freshman year in the place where I had dreamed of going to university? Why wasn't I reaping all the benefits that this privileged life was offering?

In hindsight, the lack of professional counseling was frightful, and it's very encouraging that there are so many more support options offered within the international and tertiary education systems today, as the need for support is only growing.² Although I had nailed adjusting everywhere with my family's love and support, once I left the comfort of that nest, I had no idea who I was. I desperately wanted to 'go home', but didn't know where that was. I now know that meant I just wanted to belong. My entire childhood and early adulthood I had been so busy fitting in everywhere that I never really belonged anywhere. Where were my roots and what did that even mean? Why is it important that we address the narrow definition of success?

In my work as an International Education and Transitions Consultant today, I find that many children (and adults) are still feeling pressured by a narrow definition of success, either coming at them from their parents and/or their school, culture and society. If I learned anything throughout the last 20 years of working in education and transition-care, it's that stories connect us. By sharing my story, I encourage parents, and particularly parents of TCKs (and their educators, family members and friends), to take note, pause and reflect. Perhaps my story, and yours, can help another young TCK shape their own definition of success. We can only expect our students and children to communicate their own vulnerabilities when the adults around them do the same. A recentCIS Briefing on Cross-Cultural Transitions into Higher Education reiterates a need to offer parents more resources about the pressures students feel and fear of "choosing the wrong path".

In his current work of implementing the Learner Passport at Ecolint (Geneva, Switzerland), Dr Conrad Hughes confirms "it's important that school leaders today put pressure on parents; universities, to broaden our understanding of pathways"³. "Unresolved grief will always express itself somehow"⁴ and can manifest itself later in life in different forms. In the educational world, we are starting to acknowledge the importance of "education for wellbeing"⁵ for all children. It is essential that these (often difficult) conversations around mental health happen in our homes and in our classrooms and school auditoriums, and not only in the counseling office. We need to reach out to every child, and listen to their stories and help them find answers to their questions, and make it clear that there is support for you if you are struggling - so that the ones who reach out for support get it, and so that those 'seem to be doing so well' don't fall between the cracks. The Kaleidoscope That Shaped My Own Definition My definition of success was shaped by the combination of the cultures I grew up in and the (intentional and unintentional) expectations of those who loved me. From an early age, I was torn between what I thought others expected of me and what I thought I wanted to be. Like many kids, I felt slightly rebellious towards the "Should Train"⁶. I should go to college. I should get a degree. I should get married. I should have children. I should become a strong, independent woman. The latter one I agreed with, but I wasn't sure about the other ones. In my children's book,B at Home: Emma Moves Again , "Emma realizes home will never ever be one place. It will be constantly moving. Like the waves, like the beads in the kaleidoscope." And just like home, and my sense of belonging, that definition of success continues to shift and fall into place. Teenage angst and inexperience created confused ambitions for 'when I grow up'. Slowly but surely throughout my twenties, I redefined my own concept of success, but there were many bumps along the way as I dipped my feet into some ill-fitting jobs and tried to live up to the expectations of those around me, instead of listening to what mattered in my heart. Today, my path has brought me to advocate for excellent transitions-care within and between schools, as the Executive Director for Safe Passage Across Networks (SPAN) and founder of Roots with Boots . For the first half of my life, I fitted in trying to belong, until I realized I was just fitting in, not belonging anywhere.⁷ It wasn't until I explored what it meant to belong to myself, and what hopes and dreams were reflected in my own definition of success, that I was able to choose the path that was right for me, even if it meant having challenging conversations with those close to me. "Belonging is belonging to yourself first, speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people."⁸ There is a pattern around belonging in my life. My yearbook quote was: "All You Have to Be is You". My first published book was calledB at Home . My work today revolves around transitions-care, where the difference between belonging and fitting in is often discussed. And as I try to do this work well, I have had to look deeply inwards, learn to accept myself with all my shortcomings and strengths, and process the deep grief that comes with life's transitions (and not just the ones that involve mobility). Not only does it help to be able to tell your own story, research has shown that "children who have the most self-confidence have [...] a strong 'intergenerational self'. They know they belong to something bigger than themselves."⁹ By simply knowing their family history, and the challenges that the generations before them faced, also in terms of mental health, they become more resilient. This journey taught me that one can only be successful when we feel comfortable about who we are, and develop a strong sense of belonging to oneself, something that's not always easy for most teens, let alone for those who 'grow up among worlds'¹⁰. It taught me that when you allow yourself to broaden your lens, you often start to see many more paths ahead, and none of them are necessarily right or wrong - it's the path you choose and how you choose to walk it. Growing up Among Different Worlds and Definitions Growing up with Dutch values and norms, a phrase that has stuck with me from an early age was'doe maar normaal dan doe je al gek genoeg' (just act normal, that's crazy enough). This stance shaped my early definition of success as I tried to navigate my own path from child to teen, and from teen to young adult, influenced by local school systems and international schools. Like many children, my ambitions changed often and drastically, all while (like many TCKs) perfecting my chameleon-like skills to blend in wherever I was. After 'successfully' reintegrating into Dutch culture as an 8-year-old, following three years at the Inter-Community School in Zürich, I quickly learned to drop the English words when I forgot the Dutch ones, to blend in, and by all means not to stand out. Not standing out meant fitting in. So by age 13, I biked to school every morning with my friends, tried to be cool and smoked cigarettes during break times with my peers, made sure to predominantly aim for 7s (C/B-'s) at the Dutch Gymnasium that I attended, and spent my summer at sailing camp. Overall, I felt confident that I belonged and remember this as a time of general happiness.

That January, we moved and I switched from my very Dutch school to the very American International School of Luxembourg. I recall feeling sad to leave, yet excited - the typical rollercoaster of emotions. My new friends all aimed for the sky academically and anything below an A- apparently was deemed unacceptable. I observed, adapted, and did what I needed to do to fit in, desperately wanting to belong. Before I knew it I was elected into the Junior National Honor Society, joined the Drama Club, and played numerous ball sports. Technically, I was considered much too short to play on any of the school teams, but the teams were so small that they encouraged me to play, a positive example of challenging what you 'need' to be. I started to develop a very strong sense of 'belonging' to a very American school culture in an international school. Exactly three years later we moved in January, again, half way through the school year. In hindsight, that never really helped in the transition process. I left the comfortable community in Luxembourg for Collège du Léman in Geneva, Switzerland. During this time, as a confused teenager and daughter, I began to witness to my dad's challenges with mental health, and the narrow definition of success that he had grown up with certainly played a role in it. At the time, wellbeing and mental health were not openly discussed, and certainly negatively stigmatized by many of his generation. Early on, I realized that my father must have felt a lot of pressure, much of which he had put on himself. As a teenager I didn't understand how it could lead to the dark places he found himself in. I was left frightened by the consequences and potential outcomes of the label of 'depression'. I had only yet to find out how all that unresolved grief would lead to a life-long battle for him and our family. I was scared, and sad and angry. The rollercoaster of emotions had significantly become more intense. However, the chameleon in me was determined to just get on with it. I adjusted academically, made friends and 'thrived' as I threw myself into extra-curricular activities there as well. Yet, I never quite felt I belonged. As ideas for the future started to take shape, I strongly leaned towards wanting to pursue a liberal arts degree in America, even though my parents encouraged me to stay in Europe. I had no idea what I wanted to study, but I was feeling quite passionate about finding out where I belonged, on my terms, by myself, far away in a country I had never really known. Then one day, a few weeks before graduation, the pages of my senior Yearbook stared back at me. There was a picture of me, next to a dear friend: 'Most Likely To Succeed'. I felt very unsettled. The Dutch voice 'doe maar normaal dan doe je al gek genoeg' played over and over in my head. I remember feeling embarrassed, and envious of those who had been chosen 'Most Friendly' or 'Most Original' or 'Most Talented' - all much loftier titles in my mind. Admittedly, I also sensed a feeling of shame and failure, because the Ivy League College that I really wanted to attend had 'rejected' me and I was setting off in a few months time to my 'back up' choice, still determined to go to America. Growing up, I never had a clear idea about what I wanted to be 'when I grew up'. This embarras du choix is a luxury for many international school kids, and my answers varied between a lawyer, an author, a ski instructor, a Bread & Breakfast owner, a translator, a tour guide, a journalist, a flight attendant, a bookshop keeper ... different answers depending on local time, space, and place. I do recall feeling passionate about one thing. I wanted to do something I really enjoyed, I wanted to pursue a life of happiness. I didn't want to end up pursuing a career that would lead me to a life of eventual resentment, or even worse - 'depression'. I thought I knew exactly what I didn't want, yet wasn't able to articulate what I did want or how to get there. Deep down, I also felt a lot of pressure to choose 'wisely'. Many of my ideas were not considered a 'true career'. However, my favorite uncle, who had modeled giving up a 'true career' (banking) for his 'passion work' (journalism), had given me an old, very loved, Dutch version of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, and told me it was about a person that is looking for a simple, good life. That's what I wanted, but I had no idea how. The ambition of living a purposeful life wasn't something I was able to put into words, let alone with a job title in mind. By virtue of attending international schools, I grew up in extreme privilege. Observing peers growing up in excessive wealth around me taught me that money did not buy happiness. I had every intention to become independent and self-sufficient, but I never had the ambition to make a lot of money. On the contrary, I was critical of those who did (in hindsight, that was part of a narrow mindset as well). Switching the Narrative Yet, here I was in the Yearbook, 'Most Likely to Succeed'. Most likely to succeed made me think of people who made a fortune pursuing power careers. I didn't want to be like that, so why would anyone perceive me to be like that? Wow. And there you have it. As an 18 year-old, my definition of success was extremely narrow. Why? Because, even though I was brought up to be a young, open-minded, internationally-minded, and culturally competent young adult, I somehow still grew up believing that success was ultimately about what you achieved academically, where you ended up professionally, how financially well off you were, and even who you interacted with socially. All notions I rebelled against as a young adult, yet my gut reaction about being voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' told another story about what I had subconsciously sculpted as my own definition of success. And then, one friend set me straight in a way that I will never ever forget. As I lamented my new position in our class of '95, he said, "Valérie, I never voted for you because I thought you would be successful like that, I voted for you because I think that, down the road, you will be most likely to be happy in life. That's success." I am forever grateful to his words. He was right. It was only years later that I realized that I needed to switch the narrative. I stopped asking myself "what do others expect from me to be successful?" and started asking myself "what choices am I making that will contribute to my sense of belonging and happiness?" And eventually "what can I do to help others manage transitions better to find a sense of belonging and happiness?" Today, many of us link success to happiness. Even more so since the pandemic, the definition of success seems to be shifting towards prioritizing mental health over material wealth. And given my family history, I feel strongly about our children and students being taught about well-being and preventative mental health care explicitly - at home and at school. However, happiness is never a constant state of being. Happiness is simply some moments that string together the journey we are each on, together with the plethora of other moments that are not necessarily 'happy'. The Narrow Definition versus the Broad Scope of Opportunities The pain point is that there are a lot of young people who feel that they are not in a position to ask themselves questions about their own personal notions of success, because they are too concerned about pleasing others' notions of success. It's alarming that many international school students today still feel like they need to live up to certain expectations that reflect success in a more conventional way: big name schools, financial security, respectful titles. Of course, success in terms of 'happiness' cannot be quantified whereas financial success can be. Many people who aspire to make a lot of money, often have deliberate notions of what constitutes happiness for them and work very hard to achieve their own sense of happiness. Regardless of income, when you do what you love, you are still working hard and arguably even harder. Perhaps it's a little easier to do so every day simply because you are happy doing so. This is what my uncle taught me, and it broke my heart when died at the age of 48, only two years after he had made his career switch. Recently, I opened up my Yearbook and reflected on what I achieved since the day I first looked at that picture. After obtaining various degrees and exploring a few professional opportunities, I became an international school teacher. More specifically, I became passionate about education, about helping children reach their own personal potential and specifically, about how mobility affects their education and potential. In the back of my head, the phrase 'those who can't, teach' haunted me early on, and I know that some people who I am very close to never quite saw it as 'a real career'. I would argue that educators have the most important career in terms of helping shape the world's future. Our society is simply dependent on those who have the ability to inspire and shape young minds, and it's part of our collective responsibility to help our students broaden their own definition of success, where all children can flourish to the best of their abilities, potentials and passions. The world of international education offered my husband and me a way to teach while traveling the world, both of which we did zealously. In the last few years we built our home where we met almost 20 years ago. I am incredibly fortunate to be the mother of two amazing cross-cultural children, and we work hard to help them create their own definition of success, without judgment. First and foremost, I love and deeply treasure our life as a family. And I am privileged to say that I am also passionate about what I do professionally. Eventually, I chose to leave the primary classroom so that I could focus on my passion for transitions-care. It has been and is the most rewarding professional experience to be part of an incredibly inspiring team of thought leaders, researchers, and educators atSafe Passage Across Networks (SPAN). It is truly a gift to work on a daily basis with people who truly lead by example as we strive to support attachment security and positive transitions-care within and between schools. My Definition of Success Am I successful? By some people's definitions, no. By other people's definitions, yes. At this point, does it matter what anyone else's definition of success is? Quite frankly - absolutely not. I have worked incredibly hard to be where I am today, and I am proud of where I am. And it's not necessarily the degrees or titles that matter, it's all the life experiences that make you uniquely qualified to do what you do well. As I mentioned, success, much like happiness, finds its way to you in moments. Is this it? No, this is not it, and I am still on my journey of the string that connects the moments of happiness and success. It's the most precious and the most ordinary moments that I spend with my dearest loved ones.

It's the moments when I am told that I made a positive difference in someone's life, or in their child's life. It's the moments when I find myself eating dinner in a quaint restaurant in a back alley of Madrid with colleagues who have turned into trusted mentors and close friends (and our first face to face get together after three years). Over seafood and wine, I found myself sharing my thoughts that I had in a quiet moment to myself earlier that evening. As I had been overlooking a mesmerizing sunset over Madrid, I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. Grateful to be at an in-person conference that emphasized the importance of positive transitions-care. Grateful to be able to have dinner with them and the previous evening with one of my best friends from my time in Vermont who now teaches in Madrid. Grateful to be able to travel to the conference with dear friends from my hometown in Switzerland, because they were representing the school they work for. Grateful to even be able to travel, because my incredibly supportive husband was holding down the fort at home with our two children. Grateful to be able to refer to home, and know exactly what that meant in my heart. It's the moments where we feel that sense of purpose in our personal and professional lives, and it often is related to a sense of true belonging and inner peace. Not just a sense of belonging with others, but even more so with ourselves. The moments where we are at peace with ourselves and the world around us, even when it can be very dark and ugly. When we can share our moments of happiness and success with our near and dear loved ones, with our community, our tribe, we can consider ourselves fortunate. When we can share and feel supported during our most challenging moments, and when even the moments of support contribute to our wellbeing, we can consider ourselves truly blessed. And that, to me, is success. How You Can You Help the Next Generations It is important to discuss success with our children and/or students. It's important that we ask ourselves the questions: What do we applaud them for and why does it matter how we encourage them to 'reach for the stars'? What happens when we unintentionally impose our notions of success and aspirations, and possibly even unfulfilled dreams of our own, onto them?

How can you help your children or your students broaden their own definition of success? By having an honest conversation with them about your own definition of success and how it was created. By whom and what was it influenced? Tell them about your missteps and challenges. Let them know your achievements, however humble or grand. Most of all, share how your own notions of success may have evolved over time, and what you value(d) most in your own journey. And then ask them what success means to them. And listen, without judgment. I cringe when I hear people asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' Instead, be curious about who they aspire to be. They will likely have many different jobs in life, but throughout all of them they will need to learn to be comfortable with who they are, their roots, their sense of belonging. Allow them to gain ownership of their own definition and support them in their choices. Just like you know that you cannot expect your Cross Cultural Kid (CCK)¹¹ to fully embrace your own culture in exactly the same way you do, you cannot expect your child, who is growing up in a different world than you did, to have the same notions of success. Ruth Van Reken, co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, and our SPAN Vice- Chair, reminded me early in my career the importance of comfort before encouragement. She led by example when she comforted me about my own TCK experience and then encouraged me to keep writing, after I coyishly sent her the first three chapters of B at Home. Comfort children in the challenges as they sculpt their own definition of success. Let them know they do not need to limit themselves to a narrow definition that doesn't even resonate with them as they explore their own definition. Help them understand that - whatever their dreams may be - they will inevitably become more successful through their own lens if they learn to become resilient and perseverant. And that meaningful relationships, with themselves and other others, will help them at every step of the way. Encourage them to value themselves for who they are, completely, and for they aspire to be. Remember that judgment is the opposite of love and with love comes freedom to live life to the fullest.Success is being able to see you for you, to accept you for you, and to see the potential in yourself. To belong to yourself. Just like my dear classmate, who helped me shape my definition of success by offering me another lens, you can support others to do the same. It's okay if it changes many times before they feel they are landing. It inevitably will, and even when your child or student feels a sense of achievement, the kaleidoscope will move again. New ambitions will show up on the horizon, and they will continue to grow, and most importantly in who they are, not what they are.

Footnotes: ¹ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.15-33. ² Richtel, M. New York Times article published on May 8, 2022: Hundreds of Suicidal Teens Sleep in Emergency Rooms. Every Night. ³ Hughes, C. 30 minutes with Conrad Hughes...International School of Geneva . ​​School Management Plus Education for Wellbeing. April 27, 2022. ⁴ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.86-102. ⁵ Hughes, C. (2022). Thematic Notes N.7 Curriculum on the Move: Education for Wellbeing , Unesco International Bureau of Education. ⁶ Feiler, Bruce in an interview with Atlanta History Center (2020). ⁷ Brené Brown distinguishes 'fitting in' from 'belonging' here ⁸ Brené Brown: The Call to Courage on Netflix ⁹ Marshall Duke, psychologist at Emory University: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html ¹⁰ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. p.4 ¹¹ Pollock, D.C. & Van Reken, R.E. (2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Yarmouth. P.35-52.

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'The Narrow Definition of Success' by Valérie Besanceney was originally posted on her website Roots with Boots on Dec 16, 2022 The Illusion of Thriving What is your definition of success? And more importantly, how does your definition of success affect the next generations, whether you are a parent, an educator, a family member, or a friend ?

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How to Talk to Teens about Sextortion

Sextortion involves individuals who coerce youth into sending sexual images or engaging in sexual acts via camera-enabled devices and then blackmail them with the threat of distributing the sexual images/videos if they do not pay money or provide more sexual images/videos. The use of live-streaming services has increased the vulnerability of youth to this type of exploitation because youth can be recorded without their knowledge and then blackmailed with the threat of distributing the recorded content.

If your child is being blackmailed or extorted online, immediately call your local law enforcement agency.

Why teens are vulnerable

Teens' brains are wired for social interaction and bonding with others. Their need for acceptance and belonging strongly drives their decisions. Puberty increases experimentation, sexual curiosity and sexual arousal. These hallmarks of adolescence increase the vulnerability of teens towards sexual exploitation.

Risks to teens

Online conversations that may initially appear as friendly banter can easily progress to sexual conversations. Understandably, teens may feel intrigued and flattered by these conversations and continue to engage thinking it's harmless. In other instances, the young person may really believe that they are in a relationship with the person they are communicating with online. Messaging and live-streaming services are commonly introduced for the purpose of receiving non-sexual pictures, but can progress to sending nude or partially nude pictures, and possibly sexually explicit content. This content may later be used to blackmail or extort the teen.

What you can do

Have conversations with teens about the risks associated with using technology to experiment sexually and the potential risk of blackmail/extortion. Conversations with teens are necessary as:

Teens will often comply with threats received online in an effort to try to manage the situation on their own.

Situations can escalate quickly and teens may find themselves in over their heads.

It is often very difficult for them to seek adult assistance as they are embarrassed and terrified that the sexual images/videos will be distributed to people they know.

Teens require supportive responses from adults to help them manage serious situations they encounter online.

Teens need practical steps for how to get out of harmful situations and to understand that they can come to adults for help.

Adults have an obligation to be responsive and supportive when teens make mistakes.

How to speak to teens about the issue

Talk about options for getting out of difficult situations such as not responding and blocking all contact.

Acknowledge that while this may be a difficult step to take, their safety is your number one priority. Emphasize that it's never too late to come to you for help.

Extortion is when, without reasonable justification or excuse and in order to get another person to do something or cause anything to be done, a person:

threatens another person (through words or actions);

accuses another person of something; or

is violent or scares another person through words or actions (such as pushing, yelling, throwing things, breaking things).

Reinforce that:

What happens while live streaming can be easily recorded - don't be fooled by thinking it is live and therefore "no big deal." The same risks exist for live streaming as sending pictures or videos.

Unless the other person is known offline, there is no way of verifying who is on the other end.

Pre-recorded content can be live streamed. For example, an adult could stream a video of a teenage girl, so the youth thinks they are talking to a teenage girl in real-time when that's not actually the case.

They should trust their instincts, be skeptical and cautious. If the person your teen is communicating with on cam is not visible (e.g. "I am having problems with my webcam today - that is why you aren't seeing me"), that person may be trying to hide their identity.

Reminders for youth

Steps to take if you are dealing with extortion online:

1. Immediately contact your local law enforcement or report to Cybertip.ca.

2. Do not comply with the threat.

3. Stop all forms of communication with the individual (block them from your accounts).

4. Deactivate all accounts used to communicate with the individual.

5. Speak to a safe adult about what is happening.

The tips and other information provided herein is intended as general information only, not as advice. Readers should assess all information in light of their own circumstances, the age and maturity level of the child(ren) they wish to protect and any other relevant factors.

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Why teens are vulnerable to sextortion and how to talk to them about it.

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Responding to negative situation on instagram

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Responding to negative situation on instagram

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If you've navigated to this page, it's likely that you've had a negative experience on Instagram. We understand that it can be frustrating when online interactions become difficult. You may have had an argument with someone else on Instagram or come across posts that you find offensive.

The resources on this page can help you successfully approach the conflicts you may experience on Instagram. We hope they'll provide helpful solutions.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your local authorities right away.

When you see an upsetting post, caption or comment on Instagram, consider the larger conversation it may be connected to. Step back and determine the context of the post.

Many people use Instagram in ways that are specific only to our service, which can create some confusion when something is taken out of context. Have you checked hashtags associated with the post? It's possible that the post is part of a trend or may be referring to something that's not obvious.

Review all information related to the post or the full profile of the person who shared the post to understand the whole story.

When you find yourself in a dispute, stop and think about the effect your next post might have. In these moments, ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" or "What do I gain if I continue to engage in this conflict?"

While it's easier said than done, acknowledging harassment by engaging in harassment yourself can reinforce bad behavior and may encourage the other person to continue their aggressive behavior.

When you receive unwanted communication from another person, consider blocking that person and end any communication.

Specifically, this will prevent that person from following you or searching for your profile.

The person may lose interest once they realize that you will not respond or that they can no longer interact with you.

When a dispute or abuse goes too far

Some situations are more serious. Below are some suggestions for where to go to get help.

Reach out to the people you trust

When dealing with negative or hurtful interactions, it can help to turn to family and friends for support and advice. Talking it out with your relatives or a close friend may help you figure out how you want to handle the situation or let you express your feelings.

However, we also recognize that options may be limited or your situation might be more serious. If you don't have someone to talk to about what is happening online, there are many online resources that can help:

Read through Instagram's Community Guidelines and Terms of Use.

After reviewing our guidelines, if you believe an account isn't following one or many of these, you should report abuse with our in-app reporting. This is the fastest way to get abusive posts or profiles reviewed.

If you're experiencing repeat or extensive abuse, if a hate account has been created using your likeness, or abuse persists after taking preventative measures, you can report the account to Instagram directly for review. Please provide all necessary information in your report; this will help your issue be resolved as quickly as possible.

Instagram only removes accounts and posts that aren't following our Guidelines and Terms. It's important to remember that Instagram doesn't mediate disputes between people who use our service.

Keep in mind that your report is anonymous, except if you're reporting an intellectual property infringement. The account you reported won't see who reported them.

Contact local law enforcement or legal representation

We'll investigate every report we receive. However, when an argument appears to have gone beyond the point of a personal conflict and may have turned into a credible threat, whether it be online or offline, you should contact your local authorities. They are in the best position to assess the threat and intervene or help as necessary.

If we are contacted by law enforcement directly, we can work with them and provide the necessary information for their investigation of your issue. You can point local law enforcement to our Information for Law Enforcement.

If you feel that your online dispute is legal in nature, please seek advice from a lawyer. Instagram can't offer any legal advice, and we can't provide information about people who use our service except as required by valid legal process.

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How to address conflicts or abuse on Instagram.

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Bullying is an incredibly tough topic to tackle in the classroom. But the more we talk about it, the better our chances of making things safer for all kids. These anti-bullying videos help start conversations and provide kids with new points of view. There's something here for every age, so choose a few to share with your students as part of a larger program to address bullying.

1. Robot Bullies

Best for: Upper Elementary

After seeing her classmate Judy bullied by other classmates and going along with it, Nellie accidentally steps into a time machine. It transports her to the future, which is full of robot bullies. Nellie realizes she herself was a robot bully. When she returns to the present, Nellie stands up for Judy-and herself.

2. Anti-Bullying Squad

Best for: Elementary

The Anti-Bullying Squad (ABS) is here to help! This animated video features tips for standing up to bullies and seeking help when you need it.

3. Jeremy Anderson Anti-Bullying Video

Best for: Middle/High School

Anderson is a popular motivational speaker, and his anti-bullying message comes straight from the heart. He envisions a world where bullying has lost its power, and students will be inspired.

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4. Five Ways To Stop Bullying

Best for: Upper Elementary/Middle School

This is one of our favorite anti-bullying videos because it gives kids concrete steps to take. The five tips encourage kids to stand up to bullies and seek help when they need it.

5. Anti-Bullying Animated Short Film

Best for: Middle/High School

This wordless animated film doesn't pull any punches. It shows the violence associated with a lot of bullying and bullying's strong connection with suicide. This one will definitely open up a lot of paths for discussion in your classroom.

6. Anti-Bullying: It Only Takes One

Best for: Any Grade

This short, wordless video would make a great PSA on your morning announcements. Or use it to spark a creative writing assignment: What do you think happens before and after this video takes place?

7. Be the Change

Best for: Middle/High School

A student who's been bullied himself begins to bully others. Then he realizes it's up to him to break the chain. This may strike a chord with many kids who think it's OK to bully because they've experienced it themselves.

8. The Rainbow

Best for: Elementary

Sarah has trouble making friends until one girl decides to leave the others behind and join Sarah for some fun. This is a simplistic video, but it's good for younger students to start conversations around kindness and friendship.

9. Celebrities Anti-Bullying Video

Best for: Middle/High School

Kids might be surprised to learn that many of their favorites celebrities were bullied when they were in school. This video helps students realize that bullies don't have to ruin their lives. Pair it with other material that gives kids advice on how to stand up for themselves and others and when to involve adults.

10. McGruff Anti-Bullying Video

Best for: Elementary

Remember McGruff? He stars in this video, helping a little girl who's being bullied by teaching her to "Stop, talk, and walk." He also encourages other students to stand up when they see bullying and gives the bullies themselves a lesson too.

11. Sesame Street: Becoming an Upstander

Best for: Pre-K/Early Elementary

Big Bird wants to join the Good Bird Club but is surprised to find it's made up of bullies! This is one of the best anti-bullying videos for very young kids. It introduces the topic with characters they know and love.

12. Be an Upstander-Prevent Bullying

Best for: Elementary

Kids learn the difference between bystanders and upstanders in this video. Upstanders stand up to bullying, using one of the four options outlined here.

13. The Meanest Girl in Second Grade

Best for: Early Elementary

Zoe is mean, and she enjoys it. Then one day when she bullies a new student, her friends let her know that it's just not OK.

14. Bully: A Read-Along Story About Bullies for Kids

Best for: Pre-K/Early Elementary

This read-along story is about Lupi, who's bullied on the playground. His tale will resonate with younger kids who've already experienced mean behavior from others.

15. What Being Bullied Actually Does to You

Best for: Middle/High School

For a more informational approach, try this video. It's full of statistics and facts about bullying. It also provides info on programs that help fight bullying activity.

16. Protect Yourself Rules

Best for: Elementary

"No one ever has the right to hurt you or make you feel unsafe." It's important for kids to know that bullying is never ever OK. They need to learn to stop, walk away, and tell an adult they trust.

17. Jack Hartmann, Stop Bullying Now

Best for: Pre-K/Early Elementary

Jack Hartmann has a song for everything! This one urges kids to be kind to one another and stand up to bullies.

18. Captain McFinn: Help Kids Learn How To Stop Bullying

Best for: Early Elementary

The Coral Cuties of Sand Dusty Reef only invite certain fish to be their friends, and all the other fish think they're cool. When the Coral Cuties invite Gretta Grouper to play with them, she starts to feel cool like them, but realizes they just want to make fun of her. Gretta learns that everyone is special in their very own way, no matter what a bully may do or say.

19. What Is Bullying?

Best for: Upper Elementary/Middle School

Define bullying and learn more about why kids bully to begin with. The answer may surprise some students.

20. What To Do About Bullying

Best for: Upper Elementary/Middle School

This is the second part of video 19 above. Learn what you can do if you see bullying happen and how to help the victim.

What anti-bullying videos do you share with students? Come share or ask for advice on the WeAreTeachers HELPLINE group on Facebook.

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20 Best Anti-Bullying Videos To Share With Your Students

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Introduce this tough topic in your classroom with these anti-bullying videos. There are engaging options here for all ages and grades.

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A little old, but a great video to make children think about internet safety

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A little old, but a great video to make children think about internet safety

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would u leave your front door wide open?

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podcast - why do young people make friends online

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podcast - why do young people make friends online

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Virtual Friendships: Why Do Young People Make Friends Online?

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For this year's International Friendship Day, we look at why young people are making friends online, what the risks are and provide top tips for you to follow to help keep the young people in your life safer

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Understanding some challenges with TCK's

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Understanding some challenges with TCK's

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You may not notice her. At first glance, she may appear perfectly comfortable - these kids are chameleons, adept at taking on the colors of each new environment they are plunged into. She looks and sounds like the other kids in her class; she wears the same kind of clothes, has the same gadgetry, carries the same backpack.

Perhaps she comes to your attention because she is having adjustment problems, like any other new kid on the block. She isn't making friends easily, doesn't join group activities. She is withdrawn, uncooperative, angry or disruptive. Or maybe she's been diagnosed and labeled, but it doesn't seem to explain everything.

She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't know where to begin.

What you don't know and can't see is that she is a Third Culture Kid (TCK) - a child who has moved in and out of foreign countries as her parents have transferred around the world. Born into one culture, raised among others, her identity is most closely aligned with others raised like her, moving internationally. She is not "from" anywhere. Although she was born here, for her this country is another foreign assignment. Feeling out of place is only the tip of the iceberg. She is struggling through yet another adaptation, another culture shock, another freefall.

TCKs are the children of international business people, global educators, diplomats, missionaries, the military - anyone whose family has relocated overseas because of a job placement. The children attend international or host-country schools, or are sent to boarding schools, or are home-schooled. They are supposed to be coming home - even if they've never lived here, even if they've only been back on furlough. Often, this is their most difficult relocation. There are nearly a million in international schools around the world; others in Department of Defense schools on international military bases; countless numbers returned to their passport countries of origin.

Rebecca Grappo, an educational consultant who specializes in the placement of these children, says there are three basic things all children need: belonging, recognition and connection. For TCKs, these basic needs are ripped away with each move. Powerless in the decision to relocate, their many losses are often not acknowledged even by their own parents, and the main problem is unspoken, unrecognized, shunted aside.

It looks like depression, but it's not. This is the face of TCK grief.

And, according to Ruth Van Reken, unresolved grief is the most urgent mental health issue facing TCKs - the children as well as the adults they will become.

Herself a TCK, Ruth Van Reken has spent a lifetime writing and advocating and teaching about the psychological impact of an internationally mobile childhood. Along with the many benefits come challenges that must be faced with each move the child makes. She states, "The issue is that transition always involves loss, no matter how good the next phase will be. Loss always engenders grief and the greater you have loved a situation or place or people, the greater the grief."

The layers of loss run deep: Friends, community, pets. Family, toys, language. Weather, food, culture. Loss of identity. Loss of a place of comfort, stability, a safe and predictable world. Home.

These children are losing the worlds they love, over and over. They cycle through the stages of grief each time they move - or they don't, and push it down, submerge it, only to have it bubble up later in life, unexplained.

The grief of children is often invisible. They are told they will adapt, they are resilient. They are told they'll get over missing that friend, they'll get another pet, they'll have a nicer room in the new house. Their family is rushed; they don't have time to mourn their losses.

And they are children, and don't know how to express what they are feeling.

Some mental health professionals call it trauma.

Kathleen Gilbert has researched grief among TCKs, and writes, "Losses that are not successfully resolved in childhood have an increased likelihood of recurring in adulthood... For TCKs, questions about who they are, what they are, where they are from, what and who they can trust are examples of existential losses with which they must cope. And the way in which they process these losses will change, or may even wait until long after their childhood."

So when she comes to you, don't ask her where she's from, or what's troubling her. Ask her where she's lived. Ask her what she's left behind. Open doors. And just listen. Give her the time and space and permission she needs to remember and to mourn. She has a story - many stories. And she needs and deserves to be heard, and to be healed, and to be whole.

Read more posts by Nina Sichel on Third Culture Kids (TCKs)

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Nina Sichel is co-editor of the collections Writing Out of Limbo: International Childhoods, Global Nomads and Third Culture Kids (2011) and Unrooted Childhoods: Memoirs of Growing Up Global (2004). She leads memoir-writing workshops in the Washington, DC area and continues to collect stories and research about international and cross-cultural childhoods. She can be reached at nsichel@yahoo.com.

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The trouble with third culture kids | Children's Mental Health Network

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Morning Zen Guest Blog Post - Nina Sichel ~ You may not notice her. At first glance, she may appear perfectly comfortable - these kids are chameleons, adept at taking on the colors of each new environment they are plunged into. She looks and sounds like the other kids in her class...

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Denizen is an online magazine and community dedicated to people who grew up in multiple countries, international school alumni, or Third Culture Kids. What is this about? Third Culture Kids are the citizens of the future. We are the international nomads that possess the cross-cultural views and diverse experiences that are necessary in a ever-shrinking world.

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Unresolved grief -hidden losses of a Third Culture kid. 

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Unresolved grief -hidden losses of a Third Culture kid. 

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I am a Third Culture Kid (TCK) who grew up amongst worlds: With my German passport, I am currently living in the US for the third time, spent the better half of my developmental years in China and also lived in France. My friends are even more international and multi-cultural than me. Life has brought me an incredible amount of riches and gifts, so wonderful I would not want to trade for anything.

A week ago, I met a girl during my travels in Stockholm, Hanna. Hanna was in complete awe of my story and said he could not believe all the things I have done. She pierced me with questions about my journey, how I felt having lived in so many places and where I was going next. I felt a little bit overwhelmed. The truth is that whilst my life is extremely colorful, there are also significant paradoxes to my experience: Unresolved grief is a very central and reoccurring part of my story. My lifestyle brings the greatest opportunities; nonetheless, unresolved grief has been one of my main challenges along the way.

Unresolved grief usually comes from recognized and unrecognized losses that have not been mourned in a healing way. Personally, this led to a lingering depression during my late teens and early twenties and I found myself building protective walls in relationships.

I went to eight different schools before graduating High School and I never lived in one place longer than four years; except for China. Even though I was in China for eight years and built a home there, I always considered myself a 'stayer'- I was there permanently whilst every friend I made was there temporarily, even most locals. Saying goodbye to places, friends, homes, and pets this often matters, because it means having to go through chronic cycles of loss and separation.

Trying to not be sad and focusing on the new and exciting things ahead is easier said than done. With transition comes loss, with loss comes grief, conscious or unconscious. Even an anticipated change, like moving in with my Boyfriend, meant going through a life transition. In order to be together, I had to relocate from France to the US. After a too long long-distance relationship, I also felt the losses that come with yet another intercontinental move. In addition to that, the loss of freedom and independence was also a big adjustment. Despite the great joy of being together with the love of my life, I experienced some small grief.

The more you love something that it lost, the greater the loss and grief. Sometimes you are even unaware of your own grief because the excitements of the new place are so distracting...
Hidden losses cause unresolved grief
The greatest cause for unresolved grief probably comes through hidden losses. As I got older it got much easier to deal with the range of tangible and intangible losses that come with every transition. These losses are exactly the things that make a home. It is not just the roof over your head, that's for sure. Therefore, I sometimes struggle to express myself when people ask me about my home in China. What I loved in China remains invisible and sometimes unimaginable to the person who asks, so it is mostly unnamed. On top of that, it was tough to juggle my mother's sadness every time we said goodbye. Admitting how sad I was that my parents could not be a part of my life hurt and feels like a denial of how happy I was to return 'home' to my life in China. So, I simply focused somewhere else.

These hidden losses happen time and again. They may differ in degree, but usually, it's the same type of loss. Often the unresolved grief piles up, and I am sure that every TCK will agree on this list:

1. Loss of their world:

After just a single flight the whole world as you have known it can die. Everything that makes your home so familiar vanishes. Your house, your neighborhood, your favorite ice cream spot, virtually all friends, language, the smell of the market and your pets perish. When you make an international move you don't lose one thing at a time, you lose everything at once. Internationally I moved seven times. Including all national moves, my count is up to nineteen. Clearly, this type of loss occurs over and over for TCK's.

2. Loss of lifestyle:

This is a big one for me. Especially when moving internationally, all familiar habits disappear. This can be small habits such as (not) tipping the waitress or insisting to bargain any purchase you make- even a gym membership. When that dissolves overnight it feels like someone pulled a rug under your feet. When comfortable patterns of living fade, we lose a sense of cultural balance and security. This became very painful for me when I also experienced a certain loss of status. In China, I was the blonde girl who spoke Chinese, in France, I was just another blonde girl who didn't speak French. Life just got a lot rougher.

3. Loss of sentimental Items:

Sentimental items are very personal. Losing things that have a lot of sentimental value also means losing connection to one's past and security. Before a big move, we throw old things out, and weight limits on airplanes mean we can only take necessities. I definitely left a lot behind. This is a big challenge because you have no personal items to decorate your new home with and add a sense of connectedness to the place. Coping with the loss of sentimental items can be traumatizing and is a tough process.

4. Loss of relationships:

It is normal in the TCK's life, that people come and go. But worse is that every single core relationship in my life also got chronically disrupted. Parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins were always an ocean away. It hurts to admit that I grew up a stranger to my brother who stayed with my parents. Every child who has attended boarding school will relate to this. The day I left my family to move overseas was also the day my family - as I had known it - 'died'. With that, another important aspect that gets lost is the concept of role models; You simply don't get the chance to watch people older than you and how they navigate through what lies ahead.

5. Loss of the past:

Sometimes I feel a forlorn sadness about missing out on growing up with my brother, or other aspects of my childhood. On other days, I feel just as desperate and sad about the world I once knew. It will never be accessible again. Even when I returned to China to visit my old home, I felt like a stranger. All my friends had moved on and shop owners so familiar to me did not recognize me anymore. I had no key to my old apartment felt I had no place in that city anymore. This is a great loss and broke my heart.

The tangible and intangible are so interlinked, that sometimes it is not totally clear to what the grief hangs on to specifically. The real issue with this list of hidden losses is essentially not the grief alone. Rather, that there are no recognized ways to mourn these hidden losses- especially because most people don't see them. Yet all of the hidden losses play an important role in having a sense of belonging, feeling significant to others and being understood - all of which are human needs. I wish I would have been younger before I realized the depth of my grief and found ways to properly mourn after every time I moved to a new place.
Jezabel May is a German writer who grew up in Asia, North America and Europe. She writes about experiences growing up globally to display common ground in the emotions behind the TCK lifestyle. You can find more about her in her blog: www.jezmeralda.com

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Unresolved Grief - Hidden Losses of a Third Culture Kid - GNW Global Nomad's World LLC

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There is nothing more powerful than sharing a personal story, we are sharing this guest blog knowing that many of our readers can relate to it. Being a TCK is a complex journey with many challenges, thank you Jezabel for your words of wisdom on unresolved grief and hidden losses.

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Responsible phone use for Children/teens

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Responsible phone use for Children/teens

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Mobile phones: how to work out when children are ready

There are no hard and fast rules about the right age to give your child a mobile phone. But as your child's friends start to get their own phones, your child might want one too.

These questions can help you work out whether your child is responsible enough to have a mobile phone:

Is your child responsible in other ways? For example, does your child look after their belongings?

Is your child reliable? For example, can your child get ready for school on time in the mornings?

Is your child respectful to family and friends?

Does your child usually follow your family rules? Will they be OK with rules about phone use?

Does your child talk to you about things that worry them?

Does your child understand phone safety? For example, do they know how to block messages and calls from people they don't know? Do they know not to click on internet links in text messages from people they don't know?

These questions can help you understand the benefits a phone might have for your child:

Would a phone help to keep your child safe - for example, while your child is walking to and from school, when they need to check a timetable if they're catching a bus or train on their own, or if they need to text you when they get home from school?

Would a phone give your child more opportunity to stay in touch with family members or friends that they don't see regularly?

Is having a phone important for your child's social life? Does your child feel excluded from conversations, events and online activities because they don't have a phone?

Would a phone be useful at school - for example, for taking pictures of homework or keeping track of learning and other tasks?

Could your child use a phone for wellbeing activities, like mindfulness meditation or fitness tracking?

About responsible mobile phone use

If you're thinking about a mobile phone for your child or your child already has a phone, it's important to think about helping your child use the phone responsibly.

Responsible mobile phone use is about:

developing healthy phone habits

sticking to rules about phone use

managing costs by keeping track of call, text and data usage

keeping the phone charged and safe and not losing or damaging it

being safe and respectful in calls, texts and social media posts.

Healthy and responsible mobile phone habits

The best way to help your child with healthy and responsible mobile phone use is by being a role model.

This starts with thinking about your own technology use. For example, if you want your child to spend time talking with you when they get home from school, you could make a point of switching off your phone when you get home from work. This sets a great example for your child.

It's a good idea to talk with your child about having phone-free time regularly. Some families like to have phone-free afternoons or days for the whole family. Others try to take a no-internet holiday every now and then - for example, on a camping trip.

Rules for mobile phone use

It's a good idea to discuss and agree on mobile phone rules with your child. These might be rules about what your child can use their phone for, where and when they can use it, and how much they can spend on usage.

Here are examples of mobile phone rules for your child:

What: your child can use their phone to contact friends and listen to music. Your child can't use the phone to watch movies online. Depending on your child's age, they must ask you before downloading new apps.

Where: your child can't make calls or send text messages when they're in class, but they can call and text when they're on the bus after school.

When: your child can use their phone during the day and early evening, but not between 9 pm and 7 am.

How much: your child can use the plan's monthly allowance, but there won't be any extra payments if they run out of minutes or data.

Here are examples of mobile phone rules for the whole family:

Mobile phones are either switched off or not used during family meals.

Mobile phones come out of bedrooms at an agreed time.

Mobile phones and other devices are charged in a family area overnight.

Mobile phones are put down when you're talking face to face with each other.

You might find it helps to create an agreement that both you and your child sign. You could make this part of a family media plan covering all types of digital technology and media use. If you choose to have a formal agreement, it's a good idea to revise it together regularly to make sure it still meets your needs and your child's needs as they get older.

You might also want to talk about and agree on consequences if your family's mobile phone rules are broken - by your child, or by you.

You can guide your child towards positive mobile phone use. For example, you could encourage your child to take a photo of one nice thing that happens each day to share with you that evening, or use an app on their phone to learn a language.

Managing mobile phone costs

When your child first gets a mobile phone, you'll probably need to help them learn how to manage costs so they don't run up big bills. These tips can help:

Show your child how to check how much call, text and data allowance is left.

Help your child switch off unnecessary settings that use up data, like automatic downloads.

Explain that your child should use wi-fi to download content like videos. This can help them avoid going over the data limit.

Make a rule that your child shouldn't let others use their phone.

Keeping the mobile phone safe and charged

Responsible mobile phone use involves keeping the phone safe and undamaged.

You'll need to talk with your child about how to keep a mobile phone safe - for example, your child might need a phone cover and a screen protector. A phone finder feature can be helpful in case your child loses the phone.

It's also a good idea to agree with your child on how you'll deal with replacing a lost or damaged mobile phone. For example, will you or your child pay?

If your child is younger - or just a bit forgetful - you might need to remind them that it's their responsibility to keep the mobile phone charged.

Most schools have rules about mobile phones at school. Many schools require phones to be switched off so they can't be used during class or in the playground. It's important for your child to stick to the school's rules about mobile phone use.

Safe and respectful mobile phone use

If your child uses their mobile phone to communicate independently with others or access the internet, it increases the risk that your child will come across content that bothers them. It also exposes your child to risks like cyberbullying, sexting, inappropriate content, and contact with strangers.

You can help protect your child from risky or inappropriate content and activities by teaching your child about internet safety for pre-teens and internet safety for teenagers.

You can also talk with your child about:

managing safety and privacy settings on their phone - for example, checking that social media profiles are private and locking the phone with facial recognition or a PIN

not entering personal details like name, address or date of birth into online accounts or forms

not sharing account details

accepting new social media friend requests only from people they know face to face

checking which apps use location services and switching off unnecessary ones.

Your child needs to learn about using their mobile phone to communicate in a respectful way too. This involves not creating or forwarding nasty or humiliating images or text messages. Using a phone respectfully is an important part of being a responsible digital citizen.

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Responsible mobile phone use for pre-teens and teenagers

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Responsible mobile phone use for children and teenagers is about managing costs, sticking to family rules, keeping the phone safe and being respectful.

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Set a family media plan - guides you through the process and provides tips

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Set a family media plan - guides you through the process and provides tips

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​Use this Family Media Plan to create a personalized plan for how all kinds of media are used in your family. ​​

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Anxiety explained - Fight, Flight, Freeze - great video.

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Anxiety explained - Fight, Flight, Freeze - great video.

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Watch this video developed by Anxiety Canada to learn how anxiety keeps us alive, and how worries in your head affect what you feel in your body. Anxiety triggers something called the "fight-flight-freeze" response (F3). This automatic response affects our thoughts, body, and behaviours.

When faced with a potential threat, your thoughts focus on the danger, your body revs up to help protect you, and you take action (fight, flight, or freeze). For example, imagine that you're out walking your dog and a skunk pops out of the bushes.

You have thoughts about the skunk, like "What if it sprays us?" which helps you identify the potential danger. Your body also reacts (heart beats faster, muscles tense up) to help you get prepared to protect yourself. And, you take action, such as remaining very still and hoping the skunk doesn't notice you (freeze) or running away (flight). As you can see, anxiety protects you. Without it, we'd probably be extinct as a species!

The F3 system is critical to our survival from true threat or danger, but what happens when there is no real danger? Interestingly, anxiety can also trigger this system into action when we believe there is a threat or danger even if there isn't. For example, you may yell at your mum for bugging you about taking your driving test when you don't feel ready (fight). Or you may call your dad to pick you up early from a new activity because you don't feel comfortable around unfamiliar people (flight).

Or, you may feel as though your mind goes blank when the teacher asks you a question (freeze). These are examples of anxiety triggering the F3 alarm even though these situations are not really dangerous. We call this a "false alarm." Although anxiety protects us in the face of real danger, it can become a problem when it...

Goes off when there is no real or immediate danger (like a smoke alarm that goes off when you're just making toast)

Happens a lot

Feels pretty intense

Is upsetting and causes you distress

Stops you from doing fun and important things (like going to school dances or parties, making friends or dating, getting your homework done, or getting a job or your driver's license)

Anxiety Canada created this video with support from BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information.
Where Does Anxiety Come From?

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Fight Flight Freeze - Anxiety Explained For Teens

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Watch this video developed by Anxiety Canada to learn how anxiety keeps us alive, and how worries in your head affect what you feel in your body. Anxiety triggers something called the "fight-flight-freeze" response (F3). This automatic response affects our thoughts, body, and behaviours.

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The International School of Kuala Lumpur (ISKL)

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With every new year, it is with much excitement that we say hello to new faces joining the ISKL family as we welcome them into our rich tapestry of cultures and vibrant learning environment that continue to shape the minds of our young children, ensuring that and more equipped to being exemplary global citizens.

Our curriculum and co-curricular program has been specifically designed to include diverse cross-cultural experiences that promote global awareness and an international mindset.

On the flipside, this means goodbyes are inevitable too; families having to move for work, friends who have to return to their home countries, or teachers assigned to another school are things that can and often do happen which may lead to a sense of loss especially for our young children who for some, may be experiencing it for the very first time. As adults, saying farewells and goodbyes have just become part and parcel of life, but for children this sudden loss can really affect and shape their attitudes towards grief in the long haul. While goodbyes can be hard to confront, it is important to help your child address it and manage their feelings healthily.

Telltale Signs

Firstly, it is important to be able to identify when your child might be going through a rough transitional period:

1. Increased emotionality. Do they have shorter tempers than usual or are quick to tear up, sometimes over seemingly small things? These unexpected emotions could be a sign of built up grief.

2. Distancing themselves with friends and family. Are they closing themselves off or hesitant to make new friends to protect themselves as they move on? Encourage them to get closure by talking about their feelings and connecting with others.

3. Unrelated concerns. Are they suddenly worried about other things seemingly unrelated such as monsters in the night? Talk through these worries, acknowledging that it might be a way of distracting themselves from the real issues.

4. Overwhelmed by uncertainties. Some of the thoughts that might be running through the minds include making new friends, fitting in, liking the new place, or whether the same activities they enjoy will still be available. If there are pets involved, be sure to provide closure for that and do not leave out any 'surprises'.

Building A RAFT: A Journey to Healthy Transitions

It is important to note that even if your family is not moving but a close friend is, your child could still display similar behaviours. Whether leaving or being left behind, this move can feel like a loss of identity, which is why it is vital for us to remind them the importance of telling their story.

Help your children develop healthily emotionally, by expressing what they are going through, and by acknowledging that there is no right or wrong way to feel. The good news is that there are ways of navigating through this difficult time.

Every farewell requires a vehicle for proper closure, because leaving right is key to entering into the next phase correctly. A simple step is to build a RAFT:
Reconciliation
The first step is to not leave things unsaid. Work through conflict or problems that have happened. Once distance is in the way, regret has a way of living rent free in our heads for years. Let them be aware of the distance, and solve the problem before leaving to another location.
Affirmation
Here, it is important to let the people we love that we are leaving behind know how important they are in this portion of our lives. Whether it's a friend that we've enjoyed spending time with or a teacher that's been especially impactful, let them know that they've made a difference either verbally in person (if permitted during the pandemic), or through video or email.
Farewells
As tempting as it is to leave in the middle of the night-especially for those who are not comfortable with confrontation, avoid this as much as possible. Give this opportunity for both parties to say goodbye at the ending of this chapter. There are always creative ways to do it, with Zoom calls or a pre-recorded message if that eliminates the immediacy of a reaction that may seem daunting.
Think Destination
Introduce some lightness to the situation. While it may be sad to be leaving behind familiar faces and comfort zones, there's also plenty to be excited about! For those that are staying behind, try having conversations with friends about where they're going and get excited for their next adventures instead of focusing on sad and heavy feelings e. g. "How can we keep in touch?" "What are some new hobbies that you could take up?", or even making plans to visit each other once travel is allowed. Forward thinking is helpful!
Thing To Do As Parents
This can be a good time to bond with your children by witnessing and closing this chapter together through these simple activities:

Disposal of possessions can be challenging. Discuss and have a plan for keeping what is really important even if it doesn't make sense to adults. Communication is important.

Let your children take pictures of places that are important to them, print them and stick them in their books, along with any written thoughts or things that mean something to them.

iii) Favourite things go on the plane!

Do not place important sentimental items in a shipping container that will take months to arrive. Make the journey as comfortable as possible.

For example, the last time we are going to eat 'nasi lemak', or visit their favourite hiking spot ... plan ahead and try your best to do it all before leaving!

How will their Malaysia chapter play in the bigger story of their life? Help them figure out how the friends they have met and the lessons they have learnt during this time will help them in the bigger picture. Listen and validate by encouraging them to talk about it. Ask open ended questions i.e. "What was that like for you?", "How did it make you feel?", and "What are you most excited about?" These unique experiences make life interesting. After all, would ISKL literary friend and award-winning author Michael Ondaatje's books have been quite as rich had he not travelled and lived in various parts of the world?

As much as possible, try to avoid leaving without saying goodbyes. Help them have closure by involving and updating them about the process, keeping a routine, and encouraging a mindset shift of being able to do things as a family and gratitude for the little things throughout the day.

While farewells are part and parcel of life and will continue to happen throughout life, it is important to remember that there is a silver lining to being a third culture kid; Becoming highly adaptive and flexible, being able to cross cultures with ease, more open minded and empathetic, bilingual, and better at communication. These are all amazing gifts to have, and their friends and school will always be a part of this experience.

We would like to thank all parents and students that are leaving for letting us be a part of your story, and we wish you a safe journey. , and don't forget to tell us all about your new chapter!

Moving on Transition - Part 1

Moving on Transition - Part 2

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With every new year, it is with much excitement that we say hello to new faces joining the ISKL family as we welcome them into our rich tapestry of cultures and vibrant learning environment that continue to shape the minds of our young children, ensuring that and more equipped to being exemplary global citizens.

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Valérie Besanceney

"Before diving into this new adventure, she needs to make sure she can properly say goodbye to this part of her life." B at Home: Emma Moves Again (p.20)

So off we go. Four more days and then we embark on a two-year sabbatical from our current teaching jobs. This is the first time I am going through the process of goodbyes with my own family. Not as a child with my parents, not as a young adult, but as a wife and mother of two daughters.

As we say our goodbyes, I keep thinking back to wise words of a woman who was a stranger not long ago, but who I now consider a dear friend. The most meaningful way to say goodbye is to express gratitude.

She also told me that our stories are most meaningful to others when we speak from our scars, and not from our wounds. And during this transition of my own and our family, I had hoped I would do it 'all right', not just 'alright'. After all, part of who I have become is someone who passionately hopes to help others, and their children, thrive through transitions. And now, coming towards the end of almost a decade in one place, and in the middle of 'transition', I am quickly learning that striving to do it 'all right' will only end up in disappointment. I can only try to do the best I can, which might be somewhat right, but there is no 'all right'. The picture perfect postcard of goodbye, with all the right goodbyes, goodbye gifts and going away parties doesn't really exist. And it shouldn't. Transition, by its nature, is messy.

Having been thrown into the sea of change myself, together with my family, all swimming and staying afloat in our own ways at our pace, I have humbly been reminded how incredibly challenging it all can be. This means we are all hurting as we say goodbye, and we all get excited about what lies ahead. Rarely at the same time. All of our individual hurt and excitement surfaces at different moments for each of us, often unexpected. The beauty of everyone dealing with it at different times is that we usually can support each other when one of us struggles more at any given moment. But sometimes we cannot. And that as much as we want to do transition 'right' and 'do right by oneself and others', transition is a bumpy road with potholes. Wounds are inevitably created while we hope to speak from only scars.

We are taught to build our RAFT (Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination) and we know how important it is, but not all reconciliations go as planned as there are always two sides to a story. During our affirmations and farewells we find some of them to be received or reciprocated in a way we hadn't anticipated or expected. Just as we find ourselves surprised when we didn't think we needed to affirm anything with someone, but suddenly realize what a great person they are, and we are left wondering why we didn't spend more time with that person in the first place. And 'thinking destination' is often put on the back burner, especially when we are not entirely sure what or where it may entail.

So let me put aside the wounds of yet another farewell that are still open, and give them time to heal, and reflect on the scars. Those that tell the stories of yet another chapter in life, and I firmly believe that scars rock! They may be a reminder of what was once a hurt, but hurts can come from good and bad places. No matter how they were created, they are all a testimony of what we have lived through, and survived through, and have hopefully thrived through.

As I take some time to reflect on what has been, let me say thank you for what has been. Thank you to those who enriched our lives, whether personally or professionally. Thank you to those who have offered me deep and meaningful friendships that will last not just despite some of the times we went through together but because of them. Thank you to those who offered temporary friendship, that perhaps isn't meant to last, but still brought or bring me comfort at the time. Thank you (huge shout out) to those who provided our children with childhood memories of laughter and joy and contributed to their love of learning. Thank you to those that have challenged my beliefs and sense of identity, only to find them strengthened after being shaken. Thank you to those who have shared my passion to help others through their transitions and helped me foster some added resilience to thrive through yet another transition.

Who knows where life will take us next, and although some plans involved are set in concrete (quite literally), others will take shape as time passes. For now, I treasure the opportunity to be together as a family and having time just be together, to continue writing new chapters, and to dive deep into transitions.

"Before diving into this new adventure, she needs to make sure she can properly say goodbye to this part of her life." B at Home: Emma Moves Again (p.20)

So off we go. Four more days and then we embark on a two-year sabbatical from our current teaching jobs. This is the first time I am going through the process of goodbyes with my own family. Not as a child with my parents, not as a young adult, but as a wife and mother of two daughters.

As we say our goodbyes, I keep thinking back to wise words of a woman who was a stranger not long ago, but who I now consider a dear friend. The most meaningful way to say goodbye is to express gratitude.

She also told me that our stories are most meaningful to others when we speak from our scars, and not from our wounds. And during this transition of my own and our family, I had hoped I would do it 'all right', not just 'alright'. After all, part of who I have become is someone who passionately hopes to help others, and their children, thrive through transitions. And now, coming towards the end of almost a decade in one place, and in the middle of 'transition', I am quickly learning that striving to do it 'all right' will only end up in disappointment. I can only try to do the best I can, which might be somewhat right, but there is no 'all right'. The picture perfect postcard of goodbye, with all the right goodbyes, goodbye gifts and going away parties doesn't really exist. And it shouldn't. Transition, by its nature, is messy.

Having been thrown into the sea of change myself, together with my family, all swimming and staying afloat in our own ways at our pace, I have humbly been reminded how incredibly challenging it all can be. This means we are all hurting as we say goodbye, and we all get excited about what lies ahead. Rarely at the same time. All of our individual hurt and excitement surfaces at different moments for each of us, often unexpected. The beauty of everyone dealing with it at different times is that we usually can support each other when one of us struggles more at any given moment. But sometimes we cannot. And that as much as we want to do transition 'right' and 'do right by oneself and others', transition is a bumpy road with potholes. Wounds are inevitably created while we hope to speak from only scars.

We are taught to build our RAFT (Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination) and we know how important it is, but not all reconciliations go as planned as there are always two sides to a story. During our affirmations and farewells we find some of them to be received or reciprocated in a way we hadn't anticipated or expected. Just as we find ourselves surprised when we didn't think we needed to affirm anything with someone, but suddenly realize what a great person they are, and we are left wondering why we didn't spend more time with that person in the first place. And 'thinking destination' is often put on the back burner, especially when we are not entirely sure what or where it may entail.

So let me put aside the wounds of yet another farewell that are still open, and give them time to heal, and reflect on the scars. Those that tell the stories of yet another chapter in life, and I firmly believe that scars rock! They may be a reminder of what was once a hurt, but hurts can come from good and bad places. No matter how they were created, they are all a testimony of what we have lived through, and survived through, and have hopefully thrived through.

As I take some time to reflect on what has been, let me say thank you for what has been. Thank you to those who enriched our lives, whether personally or professionally. Thank you to those who have offered me deep and meaningful friendships that will last not just despite some of the times we went through together but because of them. Thank you to those who offered temporary friendship, that perhaps isn't meant to last, but still brought or bring me comfort at the time. Thank you (huge shout out) to those who provided our children with childhood memories of laughter and joy and contributed to their love of learning. Thank you to those that have challenged my beliefs and sense of identity, only to find them strengthened after being shaken. Thank you to those who have shared my passion to help others through their transitions and helped me foster some added resilience to thrive through yet another transition.

Who knows where life will take us next, and although some plans involved are set in concrete (quite literally), others will take shape as time passes. For now, I treasure the opportunity to be together as a family and having time just be together, to continue writing new chapters, and to dive deep into transitions.

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"Before diving into this new adventure, she needs to make sure she can properly say goodbye to this part of her life." B at Home: Emma Moves Again (p.20) So off we go. Four more days and then we embark on a two-year sabbatical from our current teaching jobs.

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Overseas relocation . . . How to make the transition smooth for kids | The International Educator (TIE Online)

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Planning a move with children is never easy, and planning an overseas relocation can be even more overwhelming for both kids and parents. In the months and wee

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"Moving is one of life's greatest challenges. The largest study in educational research history demonstrates that moving harms learning. But moving not only challenges students. The experience of lost identity extends across the lifespan, also affecting parents and school staff. Firmly grounded in psychological theory and cutting-edge neuroscience, Safe Passage maps the challenges and charts a course for individuals, schools, and accrediting bodies to navigate them. Although primarily focusing on international schools, the hopeful message within this book reaches into any school, university, or organization where human beings come and go." BACK COVER REVIEWS "Every international educator and expat parent should buy this book. Ota's style will pull you in and his ideas will transform what you think is possible." Barbara F. Schaetti, Ph.D. Founder, Personal Leadership Seminars (www.plseminars.com) Author, Personal Leadership: Making a World of Difference "Safe Passage took me on an emotional journey - one that helped me understand the experiences that have shaped me. I believe it will help others too." Jane Larsson, Executive Director Council of International Schools "A good Transition Program can make the difference between a great experience abroad and a rough one. Ota's book makes it possible for one person to start the wheels turning anywhere in the world." Chica Strauszer, Parent, Founder of Transitions Program International School Nido de Aguilas, Santiago, Chile "Safe Passage is indispensable for every therapist or teacher who works with TCKs... it is sure to be a classic in the TCK literature." Lois J Bushong, M.S. Author, Belonging Everywhere & Nowhere

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Product Details

ISBN-13:

9781909193406

Publisher:

Summertime

Publication date:

09/14/2014

Pages:

362

Product dimensions:

6.14(w) x 9.21(h) x 0.75(d)

Customer Reviews

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Safe Passage, how mobility affects people & what international schools should do about it|Paperback

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"Moving is one of life's greatest challenges. The largest study in educational research history demonstrates that moving harms learning. But moving not only challenges students. The experience of lost identity extends across the lifespan, also affecting parents and school staff. Firmly grounded...

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Becky Kennedy: The single most important parenting strategy

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Everyone loses their temper from time to time — but the stakes are dizzyingly high when the focus of your fury is your own child. Clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer Becky Kennedy is here to help. Not only does she have practical advice to help parents manage the guilt and shame of their not-so-great moments but she also models the types of conversations you can have to be a better parent. (Hint: this works in all other relationships too.) Bottom line? It’s never too late to reconnect.

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Self-care is a lot like flossing: You know you should do it regularly, but most people don't. Why? Probably because most people are overstressed, overworked, and overtired. Also, if you're reading this blog right now, there's a good chance that, on top of all that, you're grieving.

For all these reasons, it's important to look at self-care in as realistic a way as possible, choosing ideas and activities that people can actually do not just aspire to. We always recommend you choose the coping and self-care activities that are right for you, but we've put together sixty-four self-care ideas for people who are grieving to get you started.

64 Self-Care Ideas for People Who are Grieving:

1. Take a walk. Hike in the woods, on a local nature trail, or around the neighborhood. The exercise will do you good and you never know what you'll see or who you'll meet.

2. Take a nap. The National Sleep Foundation says a short nap of 20-30 minutes can help to improve mood, alertness, and performance.
3. Smile. Did you know the simple act of smiling (even without a reason) can make you feel happy?
4. Read. In a 2009 study, it took participants only six minutes to relax once they started reading. For the purposes of stress relief, we suggest you forgo information-heavy texts for a good novel, spiritual/religious reads, or self-help books.
6. Get a few minutes of fresh air and sunlight. 7. Have a good cry. Supposedly stress-related tears help the body rid itself of nasty cortisol (aka the stress hormone!) raising chemicals. 9. Practice patience. 10. Practice forgiveness. 11. Practice kindness. 12. Practice gratitude.
5. Play. What is play? It's any purposeless kind of fun.

8. Engage in a game or activity that requires focus. I just completed a 1000 piece puzzle so I must warn you: While it was incredibly soothing, I also forgot to do laundry, feed my children, and change out of my sweatpants until its completion four days later. For something a little less time consuming, try your paper's daily Crossword or Sudoku.

13. Plan a night out with friends. Go to your favorite restaurant, see a show, or attend a sporting event.

14. Establish a better work/life balance. Here's how to stop work overload with a few simple boundaries.
16. Listen to your favorite playlist (or our Ultimate Grief Playlist): Music can have a positive impact on both our physical and emotional health, from reducing the perceived intensity of pain to relieving symptoms of depression. 18. Clean. 19. Take stock of your support system. 20. Look through old photographs. 21. Have one-on-one time with your children. Who can you count on and how? Here's advice on selling and donating items in your "give away" pile.
15. Breathe.

26. Watch other videos on YouTube.
17. Go somewhere that makes you feel at ease. My spot is Barnes and Noble.
28. Plan a weekend getaway.
22. Make out. Apparently kissing boosts immunity, burns calories, and relaxes you. Yeah!

23. No to making out? Try cuddling instead. Cuddling reduces stress and makes you feel happy! Equal opportunity cuddlers can snuggle up with a mate, child, or pup.

24. See a movie. My favorite grief relief activity! (and if you're interested, here are 64 Movies about Grief and Loss)

25. Watch funny YouTube videos. Yes... seriously.

27. Have some self-compassion.
34. Cut back on your alcohol intake. 35. Be creative.
29. Treat yourself to a day of relaxation. Not a fan of the spa? Relax at home.

30. Try a new hobby. Why not try photography, or journaling, or scrapbooking, or cooking/ baking?
38. Make a plan to start eating healthy.
31. Make your annual doctors and dentist appointments. I know groan, but good health is a part of good self-care!
40. Get on the floor and play with your kids (or pet).41. Find a quiet place where you can be alone with your thoughts. 42. Better yet, try a warm shower or a bubble bath. 43. See a counselor or therapist.
32. Cross something off of your bucket list. Don't have a bucket list? Create one here.

33. Get into an exercise routine. I don't need to espouse the benefits of exercise because you already know.
46. Volunteer your time.
36. Join a support group. Among other benefits, support groups can help you gain a sense of empowerment and feel less lonely.

37. Seek online grief support. And, hey, the fact that you're here means you're on the right track!
49. Or I guess you could just dance with reckless abandon. 50. Open your windows.
39. Then go eat a piece of chocolate and pour yourself a cup of coffee.

44. Visit your place of worship and spend time in prayer. You can read about the relationship between grief and faith .

45. Join a club or group of any kind. There's benefit in joining any group that gathers around something you like: camera clubs, choirs, widower happy hours, etc.

47. Don't let things hang over your head. Either do them or choose not to let not getting them done stress you out. For the proactive, try this Get Off Your Ass Manifesto.
55. Spend time in a place where you feel close to your deceased loved one(s).
48. Sing at the top of your lungs. Research has shown that singing is like a tranquilizer that both soothes your nerves and makes you feel happy.
57. Take a yoga class. 58. Find ways to make your workday healthier. 59. Phone an old friend. 60. Throw your plans out the window and spend a few days schedule-free. 62. Go for a drive. 63. Limit the time you spend online and on social media. 64. Subscribe to 'What's Your Grief' ...and then turn off your computer. Yeah, you heard me!
51. Allow yourself a day of unapologetic sulking.

52. Retail Therapy. Is it real? Who cares! FYI, Time Magazine says it is though.

53. Sttttrrreeeetttccchhhh. Here's a guide to ten basic stretches.

54. Comfort someone in their time of need.

56. Play a sport. Play by yourself or join an adult sports league.

How do you take care of yourself? Comment below.

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It's important to look at self-care in a realistic way, choosing ideas that you can actually do-not just aspire to. Here are some suggestions!

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Tips for talking to children and youth after traumatic events

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Tips for talking to children and youth after traumatic events

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How much news coverage is suitable for kids - A great article to guide is in how to manage the television/social media etc

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How much news coverage is suitable for kids - A great article to guide is in how to manage the television/social media etc

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Psychologs Magazine | Mental Health Magazine | Psychology Magazine | Self-Help Magazine

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How Much News Coverage Is Suitable for Kids?

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Watching the news is what everyone spent in time listening to or reading. Since technology has become more advanced in the 21st century, before that we had radio, television, and newspapers as our only source of getting news. Then came the internet and with a smartphone every piece of news and events was just at a brink of a fingertip.

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Resilience in a time of war: tips for parents/children in elementary school

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Resilience in a time of war: tips for parents/children in elementary school

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Talking to children about war can help them feel safer and more secure. Here's what psychologists recommend.

Cite this

American Psychological Association. (2023, October 16). Resilience in a time of war: Tips for parents and teachers of elementary school children. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/kids-war

Current events are often uncertain for children. They look to parents as well as teachers to make them feel safe in a time of war.

As children start to study subjects that teach them about the world outside of their home, they will need your help to sort it all out. You may wonder how you can teach your child to move beyond the fears that a time of war brings. The good news is that, just as your children learn reading and writing, they can learn the skills of resilience-the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress.

What are some tips that can help you teach your children resilience? As you use these tips, keep in mind that each child's journey along the road to resilience will be different and that your own knowledge of your child will guide you.
[Related: Building your resilience]

10 tips for parents and teachers of elementary school children in a time of war

1. Talk with your child. When children have questions, answer them honestly but simply and with reassurance. Ask them what they think is happening, and listen to their answers. Don't discount their feelings-they may say they're afraid, and you should be ready to tell them that fear is all right, but that they must go on with life anyway. Use black-and-white language that leaves no room for doubt, such as, "I will always take care of you."

2. Make your home a safe place emotionally for your child. Spend lots of family time with your child, especially during a time of war. Spend more time with your child playing games, reading, or just holding your child close.

3. Limit the amount of news your child watches during a time of war. Turn off the TV or radio when war coverage is on. You don't need to hide what's happening in the world from your children, but neither do you have to expose them to constant stories about war. Put away magazines and newspapers that have extensive photo coverage of war or frightening covers. Monitor your child's internet usage to ensure that they aren't going to sites that will give gory or sensationalized accounts of war.

4. Realize that the stresses of war may heighten daily stresses. Your children might normally be able to handle a failed test or teasing, but be understanding that they may respond with anger or bad behavior to stress that normally wouldn't rattle them. Reassure them that you just expect them to do their best.

5. During a time of war, map out a routine and stick to it. Children are reassured by regular schedules. If homework is completed at a certain time, make sure you keep that time for homework. Your child may be less able to handle change at home when the world situation is unstable.

6. Make sure you take care of yourself. If you don't, you may have less patience and less creativity at a time when your children need both to reassure them about their own safety. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Many people find that turning to a higher power, whether through organized religion or privately, can help.

7. Tell children that they will be all right. Reassure them that they will be protected. Have an emergency plan for the family and share whatever parts of it you think your child can understand. Share with children the emergency plans their schools have and prepare them-some schools shut down in an emergency with the children inside, and children need to know they will be protected at school even if they are not with their parents.

8. Watch your children for signs of fear and anxiety they may not be able to put into words. Have your children become extra clingy, needing more hugs and kisses than usual? Have their grades suddenly dropped? They may be feeling the pressure of what is going on in the world around them. Encourage them to write stories or draw pictures that show how they feel if they can't put their feelings into words. A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can help. To find a licensed psychologist in your area, use our Psychologist Locator.

9. Enlist your child's help. Just because your children are young does not mean they cannot do age-appropriate chores, such as setting the table or cleaning their room. Make sure your child knows how their actions contribute to the entire family's well-being. If children know that they have a role to play, and that they can help, they will feel more in control and more confident.

10. Put things into a positive perspective for your child. Neither you nor your child may have been through a war before, but you should tell your child that wars end. Point out times when your child has faced up to and conquered something that may have frightened them, whether it was fear of the dark or of entering a new classroom for the first time. When you talk about bad times, make sure you talk about the good times in the future as well.

Resilience is a journey

You can teach your children resilience. But just because your children learn resilience doesn't mean they won't have bad times. Bad times hurt, and your children will have times when they aren't happy.

Resilience is a journey, and each child will take their own time along the way, just as each child learns to read and write in their own time. Your child may benefit from some of these resilience strategies, while other children may benefit from other strategies. The skills of resilience you teach your children in a time of war will be useful to them even after war, and they are good skills to have in daily life.

You may feel that you need some help in teaching your child resilience. If you are feeling stuck or overwhelmed and unable to use the tips listed above, you may want to consider talking to someone who can help, such as a psychologist or other mental health professional. Turning to someone for guidance may help you help your children strengthen their resilience and persevere in a time of war.

To find a licensed psychologist in your area, use our Psychologist Locator.

Acknowledgments

APA gratefully acknowledges the following contributors to this publication:

Mary K. Alvord, PhD, director, Group Therapy Center at Alvord, Baker, and Associates, LLC, Silver Spring, Maryland

Rosalind Dorlen, PsyD, ABPP, CAPP board member, Allied Professional Staff, Overlook Hospital, Summit, New Jersey

Robin H. Gurwitch, PhD, associate professor, University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center's Department of Pediatrics

Ronald S. Palomares, PhD, assistant executive director, APA Practice Directorate

This information should not be used as a substitute for professional health and mental health care or consultation. Individuals who believe they may need or benefit from care should consult a psychologist or other licensed health/mental health professional. To find a licensed psychologist in your area, use our Psychologist Locator.

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Resilience in a time of war: Tips for parents and teachers of elementary school children

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Talking to children about war can help them feel safer and more secure. Here's what psychologists recommend.

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How to talk to kids about a violent world

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How to talk to kids about a violent world

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Violence in our world today is all around our kids, in the media, in our communities and even in our schools. Our kids are exposed to images and stories that are unavoidable and can be very frightening for them.

As parents, the best thing we can do to help our kids cope with violent issues is to be available to talk, give reliable and accurate information and instil our family values about the issues.

Here are some tips to help you talk to your kids so they can cope with violence.

Encourage your kids to talk about what they see and hear. Tune in to your child's feelings and encourage them to discuss what they've seen and heard. You might initiate a conversation by saying "That TV show we just watched seemed pretty scary to me, what did you think?" or "How do you feel after watching so many people get injured? I feel very sorry for them, what about you?" and see where the conversation leads.

Your kids will feel better when they talk about their feelings. It lifts the burden of facing fears on their own.

If your child feels depressed, angry or persecuted, it is very important to reassure them that you love them and talk about their worries.

If your child has been violent or a victim of violence, provide them with a safe place to express their feelings.

Find out what your kids have heard at school. If needed, give them factual information to dispel any misconceptions.

Give information at age appropriate levels and put events into context. Explain that even though frightening things happen sometimes to people, most times people go about their day without any harm.

Limit exposure to violence. Research has proven that children who watch a lot of violence on TV, movies or video games feel less safe than those that don't or it may desensitize them to violence.

Try to be involved with your kids and talk about the things you see and play together. For example, remind your kids that the heroes they see on TV such as Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are acting a part. If they acted like that in real life they would end up in big trouble.

Let your child know your values, for example "Violence just isn't funny to me. I know that games and movies are not real, but when people get seriously hurt in real life it is terribly sad for everyone involved". Watching the news and movies together provides opportunities to reinforce the consequences of violence.

Ways to tone down the effects of violent messages are:

Limit TV viewing to appropriate programs;

Go on-line together and choose fun sites that are appropriate;

Supervise your child's exposure to all forms of media;

If needed - install monitoring tools to block inappropriate material on the internet and TV;

Take notice of TV ratings provided for programs and movies and act accordingly.

Reassure your child. Kids who see or hear about violent acts can become anxious and fearful that a similar act may happen to them or a loved one.

Always reassure your child by telling them they are safe and lots of people are here to watch them. For example, you may reassure them by giving them options of what to do if they ever feel unsafe when they're not at home. Like go to a trusted adult, a teacher or family friend.

Remind them that they can always tell you when they are afraid in any situation. Talk about the police and what a fantastic job they do at dealing with these sort of problems and keeping the community safe.

Provide a consistent and supportive environment to help reduce your kids fears and anxieties.

Stand firm. The values you wish to instil in your kids need to be clear and consistent. Don't fall for the "everybody else does it" or "everyone else is allowed to watch it" trick. You need to explain to your kids why you do not allow violence in your home so they can accept your decision.

For example you might say "Your father and I don't agree with the message that show sends. Watching violence is not enjoyable and we don't tolerate it in our family".

Let your kids know your standards. Talk to your kids about teasing and its limits. Let them know that teasing can be bullying and can go further than what you sometimes intend. Tell them that in your family you have zero tolerance for bullying or roughhousing.

If your child is violent towards another, put them on "time-out" or whatever disciplinary strategy you prefer. Once they are calm, ask them about why they have behaved ore reacted in that way. Together, work out a peaceful way using words to resolve problems without using violence.

Offer tools to cope with feelings. Suggest ways that your child could cope with feelings if they are prone to getting violent. Insist the importance of using words and not being physical! For example, you could say "When Jose takes your toy, you could first ask her nicely for it back. If that doesn't work you could walk out of the room and begin playing with something else. Ignoring her might stop her next time " or "Take a few deep breaths and come and chat to me about it, you will feel better if you talk about it".

Talk about groups. When an appropriate time arises, discuss with your child why kids form gangs. They're people who need to belong to a particular group and feel supported by others. Find out what they know about gangs. Use their stories to branch off into further discussion. You can talk about how these kids feel that it is cool to create hurt in numbers, but it is not.

Explain that the problem is, many kids in gangs end up getting more hurt themselves, even killed as they put themselves in dangerous situations. Wise kids choose friends who are fun to be with and care for each other.

Educate your kids. Give them options and prepare them for what to do if they are faced in situations where they feel unsafe. For example if they see a gun at a friend's place or at school, to NEVER touch it and walk away. Tell an adult straight away as this will keep you and your friends safe.

If another child seems to be picking on your child, explain to them that bullies usually feel unhappy about something. Picking on others is a way they try to make themselves feel better, therefore they should realise that the bully has some problems to deal with.

Encourage your kids to not let a bully provoke them and not to get down to their level. Calmly stand tall and say something like "I'm not going to argue or fight with you". Remind your kids that they don't ever have to handle these types of situations on their own. You are there for them as support and can intervene if the situation becomes a problem.

Control your own behavior. Examine how you approach conflict and know that your child is learning from you and may model the same behaviors. Ask yourself - how do you settle an argument? When you're angry, how do you deal with it? You must model the right behavior if you want your child to avoid being violent.

Seek support. If you feel as though you need more information and help, do seek support from your doctor, members of the community and other parents.

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Violence in our world today is all around our kids, in the media, in our communities and even in our schools. Our kids are exposed to images and stories that are unavoidable and can be very frightening for them.

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People are continuously struggling to respond when traumatizing events occur in our communities, across the country and around the world. Videos of these incidents are typically shared across social media platforms and become a constant feature in broadcast news cycles. While adults should prepare to engage young people in conversations about what's happening around them, we must always consider the well-being of all children, and especially those who may witness or are personally affected by these events.

The entire community is responsible for protecting and supporting children, especially in times of crisis. In empathizing with families, educators and community members who must respond to the needs of children as a traumatizing event unfolds, we've gathered recommendations and resources to help guide conversations with young people and to manage potential subsequent actions and reactions. Some LFJ resources contain recommendations from the National Association of School Psychologists, the Child Mind Institute and the American School Counselor Association.

In responding to crisis events, keep the following in mind for conversations with young people:

Listen and Hold Space

Please pay attention to how children respond to news about what is happening in the world around them. When something bad happens, it's of immediate importance to young people to share their feelings or thoughts, so it will occupy their minds whether you discuss it or not. Hold space for conversations and do not dismiss their questions, concerns or comments. Encourage young people to journal and draw to share their thoughts, or allow them privacy if they choose not to express their feelings at the moment.

Provide a Sense of Safety

Young people need to know they are safe, so be intentional about fostering feelings of safety when they are in your care. Review safety procedures at home and at school and identify adults who children can go to if they feel threatened or unsafe.

As misinformation typically spreads rapidly following a crisis, adults should help young people vet information and have a critical eye for breaking news. For example, if a shooting has occurred, there may be profiles of the shooter meant to cater to stereotypes. Look for trustworthy sources and remain skeptical. Steer young people toward facts and big ideas; avoid speculation.

It's also vital to monitor screen time. Discourage nonstop, uninterrupted footage of an unfolding crisis. Limiting the consumption of traumatizing media content during a crisis is important to maintaining children's sense of well-being. Carefully select what to watch together with children so they can discuss and share their feelings about what is happening.

Adults must keep explanations and discussions developmentally appropriate. For example, young children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurance that they are safe.

Model Empathy

How we experience and respond to tragic events varies, so be sensitive to people around you, especially young people. Children pick up on your emotions, and your reactions to events can affect them. Show kindness and empathy for feelings that might come up.

Recognize that children may not only fear for themselves, so consider how crisis events might make them worry about losing parents, family members, teachers and others they depend on in their lives. For young children, give comfort and reassurance with gentle words, and don't dismiss their fears.

Support young children with comfort and give them opportunities to play and share their feelings in multiple ways. Whether in the classroom or at home, engage in stress-reducing activities, such as creating art or utilizing a Peace Corner, where children can have a safe space to process their feelings privately.

Be aware of young people who are managing trauma or who have experienced violence. Monitor reactions and recognize that trauma can manifest in various behaviors, including anger and disengagement. Commit to destigmatizing mental health issues. For example, separate conversations about violence from issues of mental health.

Brainstorm Action Items

Help young people translate feelings of hopelessness or apathy into opportunities to respond with productive action. Join them in brainstorming ways they can support survivors and families experiencing trauma. Activities might include fundraising, volunteering, donating clothes and personal items, attending vigils or protests, signing petitions and writing supportive letters to people affected by tragedy. Read " Digging Deep Into the Social Justice Standards: Action " for ideas on ways to take action in your community.

Embrace Self-Care and Seek Community-Care

We must always care for ourselves and our children's emotional and mental health needs. Check in with your own feelings and give yourself grace for whatever comes up.

Remember that individual responses and the impact of violence may not be immediately clear, so be observant and maintain open communication, especially with young people. Sometimes anger can manifest in behaviors later, and sadness can become feelings of despair. If you or the children in your life are having a hard time coping with these events (for example, there are signs of sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, or behavioral concerns), please reach out for professional counseling support.

Community care is just as critical as self-care. Lean into your community to receive support and to offer support. Community care may look like donating to mutual aid funds, helping clean up after a disaster, providing food to a neighbor or offering a free service such as transportation.

Resources

It's important to appropriately respond to a crisis. The following resources provide context and offer strategies that aid in creating safe, inclusive environments.

Policing in the United States has a history of violence that disproportionately steals the lives of Black, Indigenous and other people of color along with individuals with disabilities. And despite years of protests, the Black Lives Matter movement, efforts for police reforms, and ongoing cries for justice, we continue to witness and mourn people killed and brutalized by police. These acts of violence-along with the lack of accountability-damages trust and affects young people across the country, prompting parents, caregivers, educators and communities to seek resources on how to address these subjects at home or in the classroom.

In the Learning for Justice web package Discussing Race, Racism and Police Violence, numerous resources explore the root causes of violent policing in Black and Brown communities, uplift Black and Brown youth and provide strategies to engage in critical conversations with young people about these issues.

With the proliferation of gun violence in the U.S., we must continue conversations about safety-not just when an incident happens. In "Don't Stop Talking about Gun Violence," we recommend unpacking common justifications for policies that do nothing to curb gun violence. This resource also lists some actionable items to help counter gun violence in communities.

The article "Conversations About Gun Violence, Disinformation and Extremism" offers ways to counter false narratives around gun violence, protect youth's well-being and bolster community safety.

When people are targeted with identity-based violence, it compounds the effects of the harm. It's critical to research and observe a school's climate in your community and advocate to put in place a plan to address hate, bias, harassment and violence before it happens. LFJ's resource guide, "Responding to Hate and Bias at School" provides strategies for preventing and addressing these events.

At home, talk to young people about identity-based incidents, from anti-Asian and anti-Black hate to antisemitism and anti-LGBTQ+ violence. Uplift the value of diversity and inclusion, and model empathy.

There are some things we cannot control. But we can control how we care for one another following catastrophic events. Natural tragedies expose the failings of a non-inclusive and oppressive society. For example, at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, we witnessed how Black and Brown people were disproportionately affected. We also witnessed how they were less likely to get medical support and more likely to work jobs that put them at risk for contracting the virus.

We must not forget the grief and loss many people have experienced since the beginning for the COVID-19 pandemic. And for many children, the effects are ongoing-from the loss of a caregiver or teacher to adjusting to chronic medical issues and new social structures. In the article, "Responding to Children's Bereavement During the COVID-19 Pandemic," find additional resources to support young people who are experiencing the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Responding to events and tragedies with care and compassion is key to advocating for strengthened communities, making it possible to create a safe and inclusive democracy.

External Resources:

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Handle With Care: Supporting Young People During Crises

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People are continuously struggling to respond when traumatizing events occur in our communities, across the country and around the world. For families, educators and community members who must respond to the needs of children as a traumatizing event unfolds, we've gathered recommendations and resources to support you.

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How to cope with disaster - some tips on how to help our children

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How to cope with disaster - some tips on how to help our children

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Save the Children helps keep children safe in a disaster – including their emotional well-being. These 10 tips can help parents give kids support they need.

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How to talk to kids about conflict and war

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How to talk to kids about conflict and war

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How to Talk to Kids About Conflict and War-Tips & Resources for Parents

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Tips for parents and educators in a child's life, offering strategies on how to discuss conflict and war.