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Copy and paste writing task here

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WWW -
EBI -

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1) Finish your typed version of the redraft on Word.
2) Add in the different devices covered.
3) Use the checklist to ensure you have included everything.
4) Peer assess with someone sat on your table. Give 2 areas for WWW and 1 target for improvement- EBI

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It was a noisy day at the beach today, it was like I was at a festival.

I saw many people sunbathing, eating, talking and swimming.

As I stood up, I got bashed onto the boiling like sun ground by some ruthless kids.

I stood up again to feel tiny food crumbs in between my feet and now I had dirty clothes.

I could now feel a shower crying sweat falling down my head.

I jumped around from place-to-place dodging food crumbs and trying as much as possible not to boil my feet. Once I arrived at the greasy wet sand, I got bombarded with sand balls being thrown at me as I earlier knocked down a kid’s sandcastle. Once I felt the water I froze as it was as cold as ice. Once my feet got used to the water, I felt trillions of spiky shells scratch and scrape my feet. Once I fully entered the water I got bombarded by tsunamis and got salty sea water in my eyes and nose. Finally, I entered the deep area of the ocean and could relax as if I was in a spa.

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WWW: Good grammer and punctuation. You used personification and similes.

EBI: You could use metaphors and hyperbole next time.

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People everywhere, blocking the path to the crystal-clear water. It was as if there was no water. The Sun’s rays beaming down, my back was starting to blend into red. The children screeching louder than the thoughts in my head, my ears were killing me. The seagulls were heard from all the way up in the sky. Even though they were barely seen they still produced loud sounds that hit you right in the eardrums.

I stood up and headed towards the beach, the sand flood my feet as quick as a human could blink. I pushed my way into the beach, I got in, and the frost bit my fingers and toes. I froze with fear, it was as cold as Antarctica. Shivering, I got out as quick as a lightning bolt and fell on the ground. I let the snug sand hug me with force.

After heating myself with the sand I sauntered back to my beach chair where I would have an apple. It had gotten windy; the trees were dancing as the air hit them. This was the thousandth time today the wind had pushed off my cap. I pushed myself off the chair to fetch the cap. The burning sand boiled my feet, as fast as I could I ran back to the chair with my cap in my hand. I decided to go to my house, the sun was now really burning me.

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WWW: Good use of metaphors and personification. The text is like a story it makes you want to keep on reading more.
EBI: If you could use more similes.

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I'm at the beautiful beach. The sand was pinching my feet as if I was walking on scorpions. Children screaming so loud I feel like my ears will explode into smithereens. Humongous blue salty waves hit the sand; it's almost as if there was a tsunami. While I walk, seagulls are snatching food from people. I wanted to grab that fluffy seagull and throw it to mars so when it lands back on earth it's as dead as a rock.The sea was as cold as taking an ice bath in Antarctica while polar bears danced the macarena in loose jeans and shirts that said I love you mom and with hats that look like they were from the 1980s. The restaurants on the beach look like they're running toward me. The sky was as blue as the planet pluto. dogs were flying around the beach as if they were flying fighter jets and taking on the army of squirrels but instead of a battle the squirrels ran up a tall and chungus tree and then out of sight the beach is so crowded I feel like an ant getting chased by a savage I was a 3-year-old child but I finally got to the water.

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I'm at the beautiful beach. The sand was pinching my feet as if I was walking on scorpions. Children screaming so loud I feel like my ears will explode into smithereens. Humongous blue salty waves hit the sand; it's almost as if there was a tsunami. While I walk, seagulls are snatching food from people. I wanted to grab that fluffy seagull and throw it to mars so when it lands back on earth it's as dead as a rock.The sea was as cold as taking an ice bath in Antarctica while polar bears danced the macarena in loose jeans and shirts that said I love you mom and with hats that look like they were from the 1980s. The restaurants on the beach look like they're running toward me. The sky was as blue as the planet pluto. dogs were flying around the beach as if they were flying fighter jets and taking on the army of squirrels but instead of a battle the squirrels ran up a tall and chungus tree and then out of sight the beach is so crowded I feel like an ant getting chased by a savage I was a 3-year-old child but I finally got to the water.

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The smell in the breeze shouts out good times. I could hear the water splashing and waves clashing into land. The sound of the seagulls chirping in the distance sounds as if I’m at a lighthouse. But the sound of all the vehicles honking in the back ruins the idea which adds on to the harnessed breeze of England. The sky shines onto the wavy but gloomy waters of the coast. The families chat all the times as if a celebrity has walked by with a bunch of gossip in the trail of the acknowledged celebrity. Which takes me back to that one time one of the seagulls flew across the crystal shining waves. The only way to appreciate the crystal dimming wavy water is to forget about everything else and realize that you are relaxing at a top level of loosening the human body. The span between me and the giggling dolphins is as close as if I can hear their breathing. Her comes the best part taking a dip in the shining water, ahh how I love relaxing moments. It was as if I was at a spa for the whole day but of course cheaper. As well as if the water was massaging and soothing me at a top tier.

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I hear the waves hitting rocks and people, The sand was messaging the bottom of my feet as if I was walking on a pillow and the beach was getting louder and louder the more, I walked. I could hear trucks honking as loud as the people squealing.

Seagulls squawking and stealing foods. As I dived in the water, the water was cold like antarctica and for some reason, the water pushed me back to surface. Every time I kept going to the cold water, the water kept pushing me back to the surface. I was getting as bored as a snail trying to walk for so long.

So, I decided to eat a delicious, scrumptious sandwich, as I was about to nibble on the sandwich, The dang seagull swooped in and ate my personal snack! I was mad, so I yelled at the seagull, then… the seagull’s bomb came into my mouth.

I exploded. I kept screaming non-stop, it felt like I screamed for one whole day. I drank a bottle of water, I felt better. But I was also disappointed about the whole day. So I went back to the weird beach, people screaming, trucks honking the same thing. But I got to eat my delicious sandwich and no seagull’s bomb arrived at my mouth.

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I was on a lovely beach. I could smell the salt from the ocean. I could smell the sunscreen people were wearing. I walk past the people and to the water. I can feel the water tickling my feet and the water gave me a hug when it wrapped around me. I walked through the beach. I could hear the children laughing and playing about in the sand and jumping through the waves and the seagulls’ squawked in the background like a car alarm. I could see lots of people relaxing and tanning on the warm sand and the other children playing volleyball and beachball. Children and adults eating ice-creams to cool themselves. I could see the water in the ocean, and it was shimmering like a diamond in the brilliant light of a ballroom. It was a big bathtub of salty water. The ocean was running across the shore and to me it felt like the see was a dishwasher when it moves back and forth. The water was crashing with the power of an angry gorilla and the sand on the shore looked like a golden blanket. To me the ocean looks like and feels like a shark’s buffet where they feast on other sea animals. The seais the best place to observe these little things

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So, one of my favorite places to be in and to go to is the goal. Standing under the crossbar in a football  goal for me is one of my favorite places to be. It looks so magical and standing on grass under the goal I would give up anything for. Nothing feels better than walking to the goal while putting on your gloves...  It's just something else, Wow! I also love wearing a different kit than my teammates. It feels so unique.  Wait there is one thing that feels better...  making a good save and then all your teammates come, and fist bump you or they complement you. Something even better is when you make a game deciding game. If it’s last minute or something or when it’s a penalty shootout and you make the winning save. Oh...MY...GOD that feels so good. It feels as good as winning the world cup or getting an 8 in a math test.  So, a few years ago, we went to an indoor football pitch to play a tournament with at least 7 schools. This place was a mall! It had like 5 pitches. It was like a proper tournament with group stages and all... We lost the first match but after that we won every single one. Then we got to the semi- finals. If we won that we would go to the finals.  So, the match began... Both teams were very good. When the match ended it was 1-1 so they added 15 more minutes, but nobody scored. We had to go to penalty shootouts... When it came down to the last penalty our team scored and now it was up to me to lead my team to victory. When he shot, I dove to the right and the ball flew to his left. I saved it! The feeling of your whole team coming up to you and chanting your name was amazing.     

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So, one of my favorite places to be in and to go to is the goal. Standing under the crossbar in a football  goal for me is one of my favorite places to be. It looks so magical and standing on grass under the goal I would give up anything for. Nothing feels better than walking to the goal while putting on your gloves...  It's just something else, Wow! I also love wearing a different kit than my teammates. It feels so unique.  Wait there is one thing that feels better...  making a good save and then all your teammates come, and fist bump you or they complement you. Something even better is when you make a game deciding game. If it’s last minute or something or when it’s a penalty shootout and you make the winning save. Oh...MY...GOD that feels so good. It feels as good as winning the world cup or getting an 8 in a math test.  So, a few years ago, we went to an indoor football pitch to play a tournament with at least 7 schools. This place was a mall! It had like 5 pitches. It was like a proper tournament with group stages and all... We lost the first match but after that we won every single one. Then we got to the semi- finals. If we won that we would go to the finals.  So, the match began... Both teams were very good. When the match ended it was 1-1 so they added 15 more minutes, but nobody scored. We had to go to penalty shootouts... When it came down to the last penalty our team scored and now it was up to me to lead my team to victory. When he shot, I dove to the right and the ball flew to his left. I saved it! The feeling of your whole team coming up to you and chanting your name was amazing.     

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There I was in the principal's office yesterday. Oh, it was not a good place there were cobwebs all over the ceiling all little droplets of goo, but I couldn’t understand how there was goo which was showering in dust in the room, it was old, grimy, and full of dust whenever I was here, I was really scared. I was in here for accidentally kicking the ball at the principal, boy did he get mad. The principal was short and thin but don’t mistake the person he looks like trust me you don’t want to get on his bad side (don dan duuunn) on the inside he was a heartless person he was always finding ways to get kids in trouble, so he has an excuse to beat them up. He’s so angry he can scream at you all DAY! His room was an abandoned 1 bedroom apartment.

When I entered his room, it was surprisingly neat for a principal who was this mean, but it almost looked the same as the outside lobby except a little neater as there were loads of spiders which he had somehow made friends with I instantly screamed as I have a big fear of spiders as deep as the Grand Canyon. I had to sit down on the floor as the chair is for “teachers” and he then puts his feet on the chair to reveal rat bites that were HUGE! on his feet I asked him “what’s that about?” he decides not to reply but I thought he didn’t even know that he had those and so I moved on and is the time the principal decides to shout at me and beat me up.

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We had no fear as we made our way around the corner to the dreaded study of the headmaster himself, we were driven on by the sheer thought of getting revenge on that foul, loathsome child beating monster. We walked in a tight huddle with me in the middle concealing a repulsive, vinegary tasting candy from the shop in my trouser pockets. When we reached Thwaites and I sidled into the office ready for action as the other boys stood outside, lookouts on a mission.

Inside the study there was not much furniture only the bare minimum, a plush single seater couch, an uncomfortable looking desk with a worn out dark, leather office chair and an enormous bookshelf which was stuffed with books except for the top shelf which was reserved for all the cruel, thin and whip like canes the principal used to beat his students raw. In the corner hung a portrait of the previous headmaster with seemed to glare at us as we walked by. Shuddering as we remembered the worst moments of our lives right here in this office just a few days ago, me and Thwaites scanned the room for the headmaster's morning coffee which had just been delivered by the headmaster's personal assistant.

“There,” whispered Thwaites as he spotted the cup of coffee sat at the edge of the wooden desk beaming with authority as if it were challenging them to come ruin it. “Bingo,” I replied as I shuffled forward over the disgusting rug, ready to spike the brown liquid with the atrocious candy. As I was about to ruin the coffee, I heard the little ‘crunch crunch’ of gravel under car tires in the driveway outside. Alarms started ringing faintly in my head and as quickly as I could I dropped the candy into the cup.

Not waiting to see what happened to the acidic little sucker, me and Thwaites scrambled out of the room just in time. A flush of triumph washed over me and the boys as we bounded to class, waiting restlessly to see the results of our latest adventure.

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The beach was peaceful and silent like a library. As I march to the beat of the crashing waves just to get to the water, the soft smooth and crunchy sand, as white as snow, burned my feet, I must have walked a hundred miles just to get to shore because my feet couldn’t resist the pain. I could smell the sweet sun cream smell and the same salty ocean waters while its waves crashed into the shore. The sun beamed on my body but for some reason it felt as a blanket covering me. clear, the sea was a smooth plate as I entered the crystal light blue waters, only to find colourful fish and huge coral reefs although the water was as cold as ice, I could see as far as where the sea meets the sky and the sand, a golden blanket. the trees danced back and forth as the gentle wind softly kissed my cheeks as I walked. I closed my eyes, and I could hear the leaf’s fighting and crashing together, I then went to lay down I thought the beach is the best home I can ever live in.

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www; the story is long and interesting. I like the use of similes.

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www; the story is long and interesting. I like the use of similes.

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ebi: If you could add more hyperbole

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Grandparents' house in Lebanon

“finally, its winter holidays" Screamed mom. “yes, I know” I said. But she did not tell us where our destination was. We packed our bags and off we went to the airport. As we were in the taxicab my dad said that our flight was scheduled back earlier by 30 minutes. After a few hours we arrived at the aircraft. As we entered the aircraft, I felt the freezing chilly air conditioning drizzle across my body. As we landed, I was jumping all around the place because of the bumpy runway. We took our luggage and left in a taxicab.

The second we got out of the taxicab I recognized the road and house it was Lebanon, grandparent's house. We greeted each other than my grandma made way to show me my new room for the 2 weeks of winter in Lebanon. My room consisted of a tv, heater, fridge, 2beds, balcony and a Shiny white marble floor with a glamour's red carpet which stood out to me. I felt comfortable, happy and safe in my new room.

A few days later we went to see my cousins, aunts and uncles. We went skiing in the snow as the snow danced onto the huge pile of snow. After 2 hours of skiing, we went for a fancy dinner. On our way back to our house we saw a big check of 5000 dollars and we called the owner and told him that we have found it and he said that we could keep it.

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One dark night, I was walking home from the park, and I felt as it was abnormally long, a little too long. So, I sat and waited, though nothing happened. So, I started to walk cautiously waiting for someone to pounce at me.

I got the courage to start to move, I could feel the asphalt beneath my feet. It was as quiet as a cemetery, I could only hear the irritating light flickering and the wind whooshing, which made my back erect and my legs shivering. I felt the darkness was consuming me and the cars were staring at me. It felt eerie like anything could happen.

Suddenly I could make out a human like figure staring at me, a couple of meters away. I stood still in fear and managed to act like he wasn’t there. I stood still in fear and managed to act like he wasn’t there. I could feel his eyes melting through the back of my head. Suddenly, I could make out his footsteps were towards me. My mind started to race about what would happen If I wouldn’t run. I turned to see if he was still looking at me goggle-eyed, then he started to gallop towards me and a spark of energy charged my body, I started to sprint then, he was chasing me. He got closer and managed to take my sweater, but I ran off home. I was so scared that a ghost couldn’t scare me.

I tried to sleep but I feel he’s always looking at me.

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WWW: You wrote more than 200 words. It is a very good idea and you used some very good vocabulary.
EBI: It would be even better if you checked you spelling and grammar

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WWW:
1. You had great descriptions and Grammar.
2. Your story was more than 200 words.

EBI:
1. Try to capitalize your work and don't tell me show me you are at the beach.

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The cold, crystal – clear water is as cold as ice with crowds of people noisy people there. The boiling sun could burn people in seconds but as the cold tide hits shore, it started to become powerful. The muddy sand with sharp, pointy rocks could bury people’s feet easily. The bright blue sky was in perfect weather condition and was shining bright, the sun was a fire.The loud, very loud cars were honking a lot, but the loud seagulls were quite speedy in the windy sky. On the beach people would put this very strong-smelling sun lotion on which was very strong, people could also smell the local food being sold next to the beach. The streetlights blinked at people, at noon they were bright, but everyone enjoyed this beach the most due to it being really big and perfect for the day. A bit far out to see right before the barriers people have seen small crabs there and in the near shallow end there are small fish!Traffic lights were as bright as millions of suns and were quite visible, but the other streetlights were brighter, and people could see the boats and lighthouses further out to sea. There were many speedboats out at sea and was a perfect place for surfers to catch a breeze. 

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The cold, crystal – clear water is as cold as ice with crowds of people noisy people there. The boiling sun could burn people in seconds but as the cold tide hits shore, it started to become powerful. The muddy sand with sharp, pointy rocks could bury people’s feet easily. The bright blue sky was in perfect weather condition and was shining bright, the sun was a fire.The loud, very loud cars were honking a lot, but the loud seagulls were quite speedy in the windy sky. On the beach people would put this very strong-smelling sun lotion on which was very strong, people could also smell the local food being sold next to the beach. The streetlights blinked at people, at noon they were bright, but everyone enjoyed this beach the most due to it being really big and perfect for the day. A bit far out to see right before the barriers people have seen small crabs there and in the near shallow end there are small fish!Traffic lights were as bright as millions of suns and were quite visible, but the other streetlights were brighter, and people could see the boats and lighthouses further out to sea. There were many speedboats out at sea and was a perfect place for surfers to catch a breeze. 

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Feedback from: Aadya

WWW: You have used at least one simile, metaphor, personification, and a hyperbole (as highlighted). You have also used some powerful adjectives/words

EBI: try adding some sentences where you are not telling but showing for example in your second paragraph show how you feel when the cars are honking etc.

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WWW: Excellent use of Similes and Excellent uses of Metaphor

EBI: Maybe you could add more showing sentences.

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WWW. The story was long and interesting. The descriptions are really good.

EBI: I think you could a bit more hyperbole.

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WWW: You used lots of interesting descriptive words. You used exclamation marks, speech and similes.

EBI: You could have used more figurative language.

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WWW- you used a lot of e=descriptive language.
EBI- you can make your sentences smaller instead of 5 lines.

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OK I will improve next time

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As I sat down, I felt the sun hitting me down like a gladiator swinging his mace. As I walked down the loud but pleasant beach, I could hear kids screaming, and they were as loud as megaphones. All the adults were getting boozy, and I was so hungry I could eat a whole farm. As I entered the ocean all I could feel was the spiky shells and rocks but when I entered the crystal blue side it was like a spa as the waves pushed me back and back. As I got out again to go relax the sun beamed me down once more as I started to look like a chameleon blending into a tomato. I felt like a baby after I finished eating my sandwich and my cold doctor pepper and my appetizer. As I got bored, I thought a nice relaxing walk on the beach would be lovely, but it was mayhem as big waves went crashing up and down making little kids cry. As I started to get dried up and ready to head out all I could feel was spiky sand in my flip flops and in my swimming trunks as I got into my car 

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As I sat down, I felt the sun hitting me down like a gladiator swinging his mace. As I walked down the loud but pleasant beach, I could hear kids screaming, and they were as loud as megaphones. All the adults were getting boozy, and I was so hungry I could eat a whole farm. As I entered the ocean all I could feel was the spiky shells and rocks but when I entered the crystal blue side it was like a spa as the waves pushed me back and back. As I got out again to go relax the sun beamed me down once more as I started to look like a chameleon blending into a tomato. I felt like a baby after I finished eating my sandwich and my cold doctor pepper and my appetizer. As I got bored, I thought a nice relaxing walk on the beach would be lovely, but it was mayhem as big waves went crashing up and down making little kids cry. As I started to get dried up and ready to head out all I could feel was spiky sand in my flip flops and in my swimming trunks as I got into my car 

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          ✩English Beach Descriptive Writing✩                       It was a hot, summery day at one of the beaches of America. The seagulls soared through the sky as my body melted into full sweat. The ice-cream vans honked their horns as a huge crowd of people devoured the entire beach with bright umbrellas and colorful beach mats. I could see about a million various patterned shells in all colors and sizes washed up on shore every time a wave came. There were cars’ engines humming across the road as the ferry horns honked loudly at sea. I could feel the burning sensation as my pale skin was slowly tanning into a nutty brown shade. I could hear the waves crashing and overlapping the shore as the calmer waves turned crystal clear. The sun shined brightly in the sky, as people who dared to look up squinted. I dug my toes into the sand, which felt like ice had bitten into my bare skin. I lied down on my mat, where I felt like I was in a pot (which was the Earth), and the sun (which was the fire boiling the pot), and I was getting cooked into roasted flesh. I finally decided to cool myself down, so I asked mum if I could go get some ice cream. Mum handed me 5 dollars, and I made my way towards the crammed crowd full of shrieking children, screaming their ice cream orders. I patiently waited for my turn and then turned towards the counter to pay for a double hot fudge ice cream. I made my way back to the quiet docks, where there was nothing but rocks and little ponds. The docks were the only place silent enough, so silent, that I could hear my own thoughts. I silently sat there, listening to the waves and the fish jumping and soaring into the air like birds. I also licked off all the hot fudge off my ice cream.

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          ✩English Beach Descriptive Writing✩                       It was a hot, summery day at one of the beaches of America. The seagulls soared through the sky as my body melted into full sweat. The ice-cream vans honked their horns as a huge crowd of people devoured the entire beach with bright umbrellas and colorful beach mats. I could see about a million various patterned shells in all colors and sizes washed up on shore every time a wave came. There were cars’ engines humming across the road as the ferry horns honked loudly at sea. I could feel the burning sensation as my pale skin was slowly tanning into a nutty brown shade. I could hear the waves crashing and overlapping the shore as the calmer waves turned crystal clear. The sun shined brightly in the sky, as people who dared to look up squinted. I dug my toes into the sand, which felt like ice had bitten into my bare skin. I lied down on my mat, where I felt like I was in a pot (which was the Earth), and the sun (which was the fire boiling the pot), and I was getting cooked into roasted flesh. I finally decided to cool myself down, so I asked mum if I could go get some ice cream. Mum handed me 5 dollars, and I made my way towards the crammed crowd full of shrieking children, screaming their ice cream orders. I patiently waited for my turn and then turned towards the counter to pay for a double hot fudge ice cream. I made my way back to the quiet docks, where there was nothing but rocks and little ponds. The docks were the only place silent enough, so silent, that I could hear my own thoughts. I silently sat there, listening to the waves and the fish jumping and soaring into the air like birds. I also licked off all the hot fudge off my ice cream.

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Every morning there was a candy shop that we always passed on our way to school me and my friends bob, bill, and Jim would always wonder what it looked like on the inside, but from the outside, it was a large one of the biggest we have seen, but it was always closed in the mornings, we had to wait for school to finish.There was another candy shop here a decade ago it was owned by Ms. Pratchett’s mom but it was closed down because five boys put a dead mouse in the jar of gobstoppers which made Ms. Pratchett’s mom get a heart attack and the whole shop a mess, but she got Revenge by beating those five kids up. When MS Pratchett was independent enough, she bought the place and made it the best candy shop in the world. A sweet lady owned the candy shop her name is MS Pratchett. MS Pratchett was a fifty-year-old lady she was sweet, always had clean clothes, and always welcomed us at the entrance.   The candy shop was always crowded, and it was a dream come true for every kid that entered. The candy shop had lights flashing OPEN! and there was an inflatable dancing outside the entrance. The candy shop was so big it as big as a football pitch.  It was blue and pink on the inside, and there was every single candy imaginable. The candy shop was so loud you couldn’t even be able to hear you friends. you can even print your face in the candies and when you got bored you could play on the trampoline or the slides. 

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Every morning there was a candy shop that we always passed on our way to school me and my friends bob, bill, and Jim would always wonder what it looked like on the inside, but from the outside, it was a large one of the biggest we have seen, but it was always closed in the mornings, we had to wait for school to finish.There was another candy shop here a decade ago it was owned by Ms. Pratchett’s mom but it was closed down because five boys put a dead mouse in the jar of gobstoppers which made Ms. Pratchett’s mom get a heart attack and the whole shop a mess, but she got Revenge by beating those five kids up. When MS Pratchett was independent enough, she bought the place and made it the best candy shop in the world. A sweet lady owned the candy shop her name is MS Pratchett. MS Pratchett was a fifty-year-old lady she was sweet, always had clean clothes, and always welcomed us at the entrance.   The candy shop was always crowded, and it was a dream come true for every kid that entered. The candy shop had lights flashing OPEN! and there was an inflatable dancing outside the entrance. The candy shop was so big it as big as a football pitch.  It was blue and pink on the inside, and there was every single candy imaginable. The candy shop was so loud you couldn’t even be able to hear you friends. you can even print your face in the candies and when you got bored you could play on the trampoline or the slides. 

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Once upon a time there were four brothers. Their names were Billy, Cameron, Tom, and Rey. They all lived in a small town called Stevenson. Billy and Cameron live together, and Tom and Rey lived together too, but all four brothers lived separately since the incident with their parents.One day when all four brothers came back from school and they were hungry as a king, a few minutes later. Tom realized his school bag. So, Tom asked one of the brothers to go with him. “Guys please can one of you come”?  So, Cameron went with him to go back to the school to get his bag.When Tom and Cameron left the house, they saw this mysterious shop where smoke would come out whenever somebody came in and when somebody would leave the store, they become a pumpkin and if hot bright sun reflect on them turn into a ashes. One of Tom’s friends went to the candy shop named ‘Sweet Halloween express, and he never ever came back. Once Tom and Cameron passed the shop to get Tom’s backpack from school, Cameron heard very creepy sound coming from the hallway and the light were blinking at Cameron in the classroom. Immediately Tom and Cameron ran from the school, but Tom sprained his ankle. Cameron walked to the candy shop, and asks “my brother’s twisted his ankle is the any chance he can get any ice?”When they both went in the shop, they suddenly realized they have entered the Sweet Halloween express. They both asked the shopkeeper “Can we have some ice please.” The Frankenstein shopkeeper stared into their soul Tom and Cameron’s eyes. Meanwhile Billy and Rey got very worried, so they started to look for Tom and Cameron. A few minutes later, they found Tom and Cameron in the candy shop, but it was too late. Tom and Cameron had turned into a pumpkin. un it was too late they have turned into ashes flew away into the sunset.The end 

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Once upon a time there were four brothers. Their names were Billy, Cameron, Tom, and Rey. They all lived in a small town called Stevenson. Billy and Cameron live together, and Tom and Rey lived together too, but all four brothers lived separately since the incident with their parents.One day when all four brothers came back from school and they were hungry as a king, a few minutes later. Tom realized his school bag. So, Tom asked one of the brothers to go with him. “Guys please can one of you come”?  So, Cameron went with him to go back to the school to get his bag.When Tom and Cameron left the house, they saw this mysterious shop where smoke would come out whenever somebody came in and when somebody would leave the store, they become a pumpkin and if hot bright sun reflect on them turn into a ashes. One of Tom’s friends went to the candy shop named ‘Sweet Halloween express, and he never ever came back. Once Tom and Cameron passed the shop to get Tom’s backpack from school, Cameron heard very creepy sound coming from the hallway and the light were blinking at Cameron in the classroom. Immediately Tom and Cameron ran from the school, but Tom sprained his ankle. Cameron walked to the candy shop, and asks “my brother’s twisted his ankle is the any chance he can get any ice?”When they both went in the shop, they suddenly realized they have entered the Sweet Halloween express. They both asked the shopkeeper “Can we have some ice please.” The Frankenstein shopkeeper stared into their soul Tom and Cameron’s eyes. Meanwhile Billy and Rey got very worried, so they started to look for Tom and Cameron. A few minutes later, they found Tom and Cameron in the candy shop, but it was too late. Tom and Cameron had turned into a pumpkin. un it was too late they have turned into ashes flew away into the sunset.The end 

# data[].attributes.headline
As I leapt down towards the beach, my ears pinched from the squeaking noise that the children were making. I stepped foot in the sand, the pebbles were poking my feet from beneath. Ignoring that, I approached the ocean, but I had to apply my sunscreen on first. Later I had finally gotten into the water. The ocean was blinding my eyes. The moment I entered the water my nose tingled from the smell of the salty water and lots of fishes. While floating in the water, I scanned the beach and saw so many people tanning, seagulls flying across the beach, umbrellas, food stalls, and so much more, but I personally liked to be alone as you can tell.

# data[].attributes.subject
As I leapt down towards the beach, my ears pinched from the squeaking noise that the children were making. I stepped foot in the sand, the pebbles were poking my feet from beneath. Ignoring that, I approached the ocean, but I had to apply my sunscreen on first. Later I had finally gotten into the water. The ocean was blinding my eyes. The moment I entered the water my nose tingled from the smell of the salty water and lots of fishes. While floating in the water, I scanned the beach and saw so many people tanning, seagulls flying across the beach, umbrellas, food stalls, and so much more, but I personally liked to be alone as you can tell.

# data[].attributes.body
www
1: you have capital letters
2: you have correct punctuation

EBI: i did not see that much hyperbole or adjectives

# data[].attributes.headline
Norway! This is trip to Norway was astonishing. It wasn’t like any other trip is was perfect except that one day when we went to the death waterfall (quite terrifying name). It all started when me and my mother wanted to go to the waterfall but my grandmother wouldn’t allow us because the last time she went (49 years ago) she wasn’t quite okay… her heart rate increased, she started shaking, sweating so, she was a bit unhappy but still my mother kept persuading so my grandmother got feed up and approved. I felt like a Quokka. The next morning we head straight for the death waterfall. It. Was. Breathtaking. They was greenery all around we could hear the birds chirp as they made there way home. The trees were dancing.


We had a significant hike till the top. The second we reach the top my jaw dropped. It. Was. Marvelous. I stood there as the cool water flowed past my feet. I felt like jumping in and the what I did. It was like I was swimming in ice but it was nice till, till a crocodile started chasing me I swam and swam at that point I thought I could beat the world record but anyways that WASN’T the point the point was that the crocodile was still chasing me until my grandmother raised me up by her stick which left me a bruise. That was the most terrifying moment of my LIFE…

# data[].attributes.subject
Norway! This is trip to Norway was astonishing. It wasn’t like any other trip is was perfect except that one day when we went to the death waterfall (quite terrifying name). It all started when me and my mother wanted to go to the waterfall but my grandmother wouldn’t allow us because the last time she went (49 years ago) she wasn’t quite okay… her heart rate increased, she started shaking, sweating so, she was a bit unhappy but still my mother kept persuading so my grandmother got feed up and approved. I felt like a Quokka. The next morning we head straight for the death waterfall. It. Was. Breathtaking. They was greenery all around we could hear the birds chirp as they made there way home. The trees were dancing.


We had a significant hike till the top. The second we reach the top my jaw dropped. It. Was. Marvelous. I stood there as the cool water flowed past my feet. I felt like jumping in and the what I did. It was like I was swimming in ice but it was nice till, till a crocodile started chasing me I swam and swam at that point I thought I could beat the world record but anyways that WASN’T the point the point was that the crocodile was still chasing me until my grandmother raised me up by her stick which left me a bruise. That was the most terrifying moment of my LIFE…

# data[].attributes.body
WWW:
1) Good use of punctuation.
2) The story is interesting.

EBI:
Add more metaphors and hyperbole.

# data[].attributes.body
WWW: There was a lot of good grammar being used with very descriptive adjectives plus her writing was descriptive and interesting to read.

EBI: Next time she can add more similies into her writing.

# data[].attributes.body
WWW- Wadih your simile , personification and metaphor in your story made the story very interesting.
EBI- Wadih just make should to not use a lot of I because in every sentence there is I .Next time use a something else for I and just and some hyperbole to make it a little better.

# data[].attributes.body
It was quite a hot day like the sun was a chair and we were sitting on it, But as we got out of the car we felt the dance of the wind. We walked down onto the rocky, sandy perimeter of the beach there was the smell of the crackling scrumptious soya chips that were dancing in our body as a dancer on the stage. We could hear many different children screeching children they were tearing my ear off. We the screaming they also had disgusting smelly diaper it like getting out of a 50 year old dirty pool but we could smell the salt right out of the ocean so that helped! There was no sight of the water there are so any people  The pristine water was a light shade of turquoise swaying around like a dancer on stage it was so clean we could see the sand below.