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Hi Peyton! A strength of your narrative, “The Old Leather Book” is the figurative language! I liked how you added, “He shatters through the bright shiny glass leaving him laying in billions of pieces.” In addition, I really like how you used the 5 senses in your introduction, “He could smell the foul air filled with his sweaty football teammates aroma. With every step he and his friends crunched the dry leaves. If they were quiet enough they could hear the crunch the leaves make as they smush between the pavement and his foot. He could taste the air as it was slowly filling his mouth as he walked. He would laugh with his friends as they passed an old foam football. It would sting his hands when his friends chucked it as hard as they could.” However, a suggestion I can offer for improvement is to expand your story and the scenes. I feel that the ending was a little rushed, so you could try to add more detail into what’s going on. Overall you did an amazing job!

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Hi Peyton I absolutely loved your weighing piece. I love how it was so strong and you followed through with everything you were saying. You were very passionate about everything you were saying. I also loved how the character stood out and wasn't like hiding in the story. So that we knew that the character was there and was like a backgrounder character. One thing I do wish you did was to have more description, for example,  when you were talking about how the grease was coming into your through indo think that you should have said something like this, the breeze came into my throne like the warm smell of pizza went into my noise. Something like that. But beside that I absolutely  love your piece

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Hi Peyton! Your essay was incredible and so persuasive! One thing that I loved about your piece was the warrants; they were so descriptive and persuasive. I felt like I was in the scene with the characters. Another thing that I loved about your writing was the conclusion. It was so dramatic and very well written. My favorite part about it was the zinger. It hit very hard and fit in perfectly with the topic. Although, your last body paragraph felt a little lost. Your reason was about being distracted due to electronics while your reason was about messy rooms. Besides that, your price was outstanding!

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Hey Peyton I love the question you ask, They really got me thinking about everything going on with Uniforms. I also loved the part why it's important- in the conclusion. I loved it because the reason you gave made me wonder about how. Teachers and staff aren’t doing anything about this problem to Helio the kids. Ps I love the title of your paragraph. Over all I don’t have any wishes

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Hi Peyton! A strength in your essay is the anecdote in your introduction paragraph because you paint a picture in the reader's mind. As you go into more detail about your topic, you can automatically tell what this essay is about. To go along with this, you do not state what the topic is in your title, so when you describe what was happening in the anecdote really helps the reader. Another strength in your essay is the way yo unstated your claim in each body paragraph. As you dive into each new paragraph, you use phenomenal transitions. In each claim that is stated, you do not really repeat any word choice from the previous claims. I also enjoy how in each of the claims, you have strong word choice. A wish that I have for your essay is that you went back into the piece, and you checked for punctuation. I say this because when you do not have proper punctuation, like a comma, it sounds like a run-on sentence. Overall, great work!

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Something I really enjoyed while reading your memoir was, your inner thoughts. Your inner thoughts made the reader know what you were thinking in your mind during the softball game. My favorite inner thought that you had was when you thought I’m so proud. I knew we were good but to make it this far. That inner thought really shows how you were proud of your team and their accomplishment throughout the season. Awesome job! Something else I really enjoyed while reading your memoir was how descriptive you were about what was happening. You gave awesome little details, which is what every good memoir includes. My favorite simile you put in your memoir was when you said “the ball raced towards me as fast as lightning.” That simile really shows how fast the ball was moving in the air. Awesome job! Although you have amazing stars there’s something I wish you incorporated in your piece, and that’s the detail about the setting. I’m left wondering what the field looked like, and what the weather was like, things like that.

Besides that, awesome job with your memoir!

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Great piece! A star that came up in your piece, is when you said one of your teammates was crying and the drops landed on a patch of land. I think it really stuck out! I also liked how you described everything with every detail. I could picture your teammate running off crying!  Something that I wished for was explaining how to play the game. People might not know what game you're playing. Otherwise great piece!

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When I was reading your piece, it really gave me a clear image of the field and what was going on in the moment. When you described the way your hands felt after you hit the ball, it was very relatable for me and you described the feeling with so much detail making it even more understandable. Every time you described the field or your team, you used so much detail making the moment seem like something more powerful than it already is. You also did a very good job with the way you described the pitches coming at you while you were batting. It was described with so much detail. One thing I recommend for you in the future is to add more commas into some of your sentences. A couple of the sentences you had were and seemed like they were in need for a comma or a period.

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I love how you put music and dancing around the kitchen. That has to be my favorite part. I just love how much you say that because it just makes me think of memories  that I did. I also love how you play goalie in field Hockey. I think that’s really cool. It's really cool that your good at more than one sport. I wish you more about what you do with your famliy. Cause I’m guessing you don't do everything alone

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I really enjoyed reading your piece, and looking at you amazing background, but I have a suggestion. You made some grammar mistakes like adding a period mid sentence and adding 2 periods at the end of one, so I would say go read over your piece again. Other that that, your piece of amazing!

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When you were saying what you liked, you used really good descriptive words to show what you were interested in and it made a good image in my head. Another thing I think you did well was making sure you didn’t list the things you liked in order. Every time you put something you liked you made sure to add more information about whatever you were talking about.

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Something I liked in your About Me piece is the way you talked about your hobbies and stuff you do daily just so the reader can understand more about you. One of the best examples I found were the lines “If you catch me you will see I’m usually playing softball, field hockey or basketball. When I’m at my field hockey games you can see me playing goalie working hard not to let the other team score.” These are my favorite lines because you introduce the hobbies you enjoy and give an explanation of what you do when you are doing the hobbie. In addition to that I enjoy that you gave an alliteration in your title. I think the title you chose really shows that your pieces can be and will be perfect. Although I enjoyed your piece I think a good thing for you to try is make your ending line a little more eye-catching, meaning adding some alliterations and describing words to make the ending more interesting.

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I like how you used decscritve words and that you explained all your reasons clearly. One suggestion that I have is to look over your spelling, but I think your writing piece was truly amazing!

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Something I think you did very well was explaining in detail what you liked and disliked. Something else I think you did well was going through your day and what you do and also how you could find you playing sports or baking. However something I think you could of added was more to your ending. Over all it was an amazing piece and the detail was great you really expressed what you like to do in your piece!