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It was inspiring.

Just because of what Ken Miles and Carroll Shelby went through, I'm never going to buy a Ford.

Extreme feels for office politics and sleazeballs. Fxck that.

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It never sleeps.

It keeps thinking,
Keeps fixing,
Keeps sending messages
to the front office in my brain,
Who tries to ignore,
But not really.
The front office in my brain
Has shut down, dissociated,
Sort of,
Though taking in bits and pieces
Of information and tasks.
There's no stopping in the weekend,
Just distraction.

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Or do you want to kiss him?
Do you see a kiss?
Or do you see him?
Is it more practical than passionate?
Is it destiny or choice?

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My mind is blank.

My heart is restless

My spirit wants to burst out of my body.

Is there somewhere else I should be?

Everything seems to be perfectly normal around me.

Everything in its place.

Familiar faces.

But nothing feels normal... or familiar.

I run my palm against the couch.

I recognize these corduroy sheets.

I glance at my husband poking at his gadget.

I can't breathe but I don't tell.

Tears fill my eyes.

I blink them out.

Am I not okay?

What's wrong with me?

I hold my breath.

Close my eyes.

My exhale tastes like chocolate.

I feel nauseous.

I feel lost, displaced, empty.

At the same time... I don't feel.

Is there nothing I can do?

Is there anyway to fix... me?

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 06, 2021

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If I were a city, I'd be Nuuk, Greenland.

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If I were a city, I'd be Nuuk, Greenland.

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My Nuuk Experience

I traveled to Greenland with friends in 2017. It was a quick four day vacation from January 30 to February 2.

On Day 1, we flew from Iceland to Greenland and checked in at Seaman's Home in Nuuk.

On Day 2, we took a boat tour in Nuuk Fjord.

On Day 3, we went on a guided historical tour of the Nuuk neighborhoods.

And on Day 4, we headed back to Iceland by plane.

Seaman's Home sat by the harbor, overlooking views of seas and mountains. It is minimalistic yet clean, cozy, and comfortable. On Day 1, the Aurora Borealis came out to welcome to welcome us right at the porch of Seaman's Home. She was divine.

I did not find much to be excited about Nuuk's food choices, but the peace, quiet, and scenery more than made up for it. I marveled at the cold,  ice, sea, change in weather, structures, art, establishments, culture, tradition, and even waste management. It felt like I was in a different world.

If I were a city...

It is the year 2021. I haven't traveled for a year because of this pandemic called the Coronavirus. For me, traveling feels like an escape from this circus of a third world hamster wheel into a different world. It allows me to see a better version of the world apart from the everyday chaos. It is always so refreshing to see nature at its cleanest, barest, and freshest. Hence, this Iceland- Greenland trip.

Today, I look back at this trip and think... If I were a city, I'd be Nuuk, Greenland.

Based on my readings, Greenland has been known for its many cases of Depression. It could be the cold, change in weather, living situation, isolation, small population, alcoholism...

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression with Anxiety. I may have had it for as long as I can remember.

I don't live in isolation or quiet or darkness. I live in the middle of a bustling and overpolluted city, where motorists honk even at the wee hours of the night. If you ever meet me in person, you'd think I'm okay- maybe even friendly, cheery... Not even my closest friends and family could tell if something was wrong.

There exists a small, cold, dark room inside me-- far away where my mind meets my heart-- where my strongest emotions go, allowing me to either say, "I'm okay, I don't have feelings about it." or talk about the experience with a straight face and sounding totally objective. I'm okay with that. I like to give them space. But it scares me when:

- These emotions barge out the small, cold, dark room bigger, bolder, stronger and leave every part of me exhausted from overthinking and overfeeling; or

- Suddenly, I find myself drifting into the small, cold, dark room, making the real world moment feel like an out of body experience like I don't belong there.

I'm Nuuk-- I can engage in an enthusiastic conversation about lush scenery, sparkly snow, hot chocolate on a cold winter morning, sunshine on your face during a boat ride in the Arctic, cute reindeer footprints...  while sitting on the floor in a corner of the small, cold, dark room, sipping hot black coffee from a Klean Kanteen, eyebrows crunched over spreadsheet formulas and SWOT analysis.

I'm okay.

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 06, 2021

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"Lord, You have poured out upon the workd Your infinite Mercy coming forth from Your divine Heart. May I bask in that Mercy now and always. Jesus, I trust in You."

- Daily Reflections on Divine Mercy

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Reflection 7: Instituting the Solemnity of Divine Mercy

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Reflection 7: Instituting the Solemnity of Divine Mercy

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The Feast of the Divine Mercy is a powerful sign of the DESIRE in the HEART OF GOD to pour down His Mercy upon us. Help Him help US to be saved.

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"The incarnation was the greatest act of Mercy ever known. The only subsequent act that surpassed it was the act of Jesus dying on the Cross destroying sin and death by His blood. The redemption of the world, through the blood of the Cross, is an act of love and Mercy that we will never fully comprehend. We could never be grateful enough for this act since we will never fully fathom the depth of this love."

"It was especially difficult to receive such brutality and to say, 'Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.'" This is Divine Mercy.

- Daily Reflections on Divine Mercy

The reflection gives me 2 points to ponder on:

1) Jesus' love and Mercy are unfathomable.

2) How greatly He loves and forgives me though I am unworthy.

I wonder how God can love someone He hasn't physically met. Oh, but I'm wrong there. He made me, He knows me, He sees me, and He loves me.

Truly, there is no greater love than Jesus'.

I can only be grateful for this love, though how ungrateful of me to keep asking for more... I am unworthy and I worry that he might take things away because I am unworthy...

This starts my journey.

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On weekdays

I look forward to the weekend

I look forward to lounging around

Not thinking about work

Not trying to achieve anything

Not forcing myself to be an adult

I look forward to having time for myself

To watch videos

To snuggle under the sheets

To  just be

But on weekends

I also dread the weekdays

Bothered by how weekends are so short

And how to make the most of it

So i pressure myself

To live in the weekend

Until its already the weekdays

When I wish it were the weekend

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 20, 2021

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It bothers me that-

I'm fat and I can't lose weight.

Am I not fun enough to date?

Did I come off too strong,

Did I say something wrong?

Did my face ugly twitch?

Was there a hint I missed?

Did I look upset?

Was I misread?

Did I laugh the wrong time?

Did I smell like grime?

What do they say about me?

Are they angry?

Did I eat too fast?

Did I talk to much?

Couldn't I be better?

Couldn't it be easier?

Couldn't I look prettier?

Should it all matter?

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 14, 2021

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At 2 AM,

As the room rests in darkness

As the air condition rumbles

As he breathes softly in his sleep

I run my toes against the sheets

Taking comfort in its smoothness

I blow cold air into the space above me

Hiding sniffles, soothing tears

I press my sleeves onto my eyes

Wiping away hints of weakness

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 14, 2021

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These traitor eyes
So well they lie
So well they hide
Grief and Fragility

They sparkle in the daylight
Feign Excitement and Enthusiasm
Strength and Wisdom
Confidence and Hope

These traitor eyes
Though well they lie
They cannot ignore, unsee, forget
Grudge, Disgust, Fear

Look away
Shut them out
So vulnerable
The creeping feeling lingers

These traitor eyes
So well they lie
Though well they lie
Can't fight back her tears

BY Barefoot Diaries

at February 07, 2021

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She has a very consistent bully.
One that scathes with words and actions
and traps her in a circumstance
that leaves no choice but endure.

She has a mindless bully.
One that says things without care.
One that sees no other's pain but his.
One that leaves weight in the spirit.

He takes offense when she's too happy,
says she's lazy when she's resting,
punishes her for what.
Nothing.

Everything she says is a lie.
Everything she wants is excessive.
Everything she does is wrong.
Everything she feels is dumb.

Do you know her?
Have you seen her?
She crumbles by the day,
second guessing herself, he life.

Silently.

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Ever wonder how it's so easy for others to take a life, when there are those who go to the ends of the earth to save a life...

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Today, I'm missing the departed a little more today... Looking for statis, which my Lola usually had in her home.

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Truth is-- life is not for or about you, mostly. What a sad life it would be if your purpose were only to live for yourself.

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When you get sick, the world doesn't stop. The laundry and the dishes still pile up. Food still needs to be prepared or ordered. Surroundings need to be cleaned. Other people still need attention. And most importantly, you still have to figure out how to get out of that rut and heal; more than this being a responsiblity towards yourself and those who care for and depend on you, this is a responsibility to live and carry out Our Creator's purpose for us.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 – “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

Responsibility.

So there I was on the hospital bed, ready to be discharged. Doctor asks me, "Who will take care of you at home?" "Myself," I answered. I don't know if it was her pitiful look or that lingering bitter taste of not getting enough care in my household that made me feel bad for myself at that moment. And even amidst my anxiety/panic attacks at night sans anti-depressants, I watch him live on my mobile phone to see if he's okay.

Responsibility. I take responsibility for those, who live with me.

This extremely impatient beyond reason thirty something strove to beat covid everyday-- overthinking every possible strategy to get better: Maybe if i eat more veggies, I will get better? Should I drink more medicine to get better? How can I speed up getting better? Can I eat rice instead of porridge, I eat more when I have rice? Also, "Oh no I missed my best friend's birthday, I should send here cake (Hospital, Day 2; Covid, Day 6)." Also, how can I make it easier for my sisters? How can I help? When can I get back to work?

Responsibility. I take responsibility for those, who care for and depend on me.

Responsibility is not expressed in words or gifts or physical touch. It expressed through a dynamic mix of quality time and service-- actual action and actual output. Output that actually helps significantly.

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Day 17. My lack of sleep is beating me up. Shoulder hurts and breathing isn't as easy. My willpower to do 10,000 things is still strong, but my body is done with productivity for now. Will try to take more naps today and give less cares...

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Covid has been many things for this thirty something ultra overthinker-

It's 6:23 AM on a Wednesday. I am still on quarantine.

Pre covid, I'm up 6:30 AM at the earliest-est, dragging every ounce of willpower to get out of bed to get to work.

During covid, I hardly got sleep or rest. The pain, coughing, breathing difficulty, palpitations, worry, anxiety, other health concerns, paranoia, etc. kept me up and freaking out so much internally.

Today, 16th day since my chills started, I woke up a little before 6, snoozed a bit, drank my medicine, washed up, said some prayers... What a gift! Today was the best sleep and wake up since this covid ordeal. That means, I was actually able to sleep uninterrupted for more than 5 hours and woke up with no throat irritation whatsoever. WHAT A GIFT.

On quarantine, after a severe case (sometimes even after mild and moderate cases), there really isn't much one CAN do, but rest. Literally, put your feet up, practice your breathing, maybe walk around as much as your breathing and body will let you, and really just rest to allow your system recover... and hopefully regenerate into what it was before.

I have been back from the hospital for 5 days already-

Day 1, my isolation cot broke down so I slept on a two seater couch.

Day 2, i bought a sofa bed and carried/dragged/twisted/pivoted/flipped it in maybe 15 steps. It took hours. As much as i wanted to just take it from point A to point B (15 steps!), my body wouldn't let me. It was exhausting. With covid, your willpower to do things may be strong, but your body will definitely show significant weakness. It's a humbling experience.

Skip Day 3 because I hardly remember it.

Day 4, i got uninterrupted sleep for around 5 hours, but woke up with an irritated throat. Drinking one liter of water and using betadine throat spray worked wonders for me here. I did some chores- did laundry, pack trash, made mac and cheese and oatmeal cookies, bought groceries online... not much really, but by 2 or 3 PM, i had exhausted myself. With covid (like they say in yoga, YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.

I've been extremely hungry these days. I'm trying to eat healthier-- rice, protein, and vegetables. Cut on sweets. Drink lots of water. It helps.

So here i am on Day 5. I'm resolving to be a better rester. I think i'll make pancakes to celebrate waking up comfortable.

Later.

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Don't ask him what he needs. Provide what you can. Let him think of the rest.

You need him. No matter what you say you know you need him.

Put your foot down pag alanganin. Make a decision. Don't quiz him.

Tell him what to do. Don't ask him. Worse, don't do it for him.

I wish you could do therapy.

I'm shutting myself out to you until you decide you want to be really part of my life, a good significant part of it. To be part of it, you have to complete yourself. To complete yourself, you have to know why you're not whole. You have to put the pieces together. It's your choice to learn to understand and empathize. Otherwise, I'll be rasing my walls up on you.

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I was in very much denial at the start of my Covid journey. I didn't want to believe that it was possible for me at all.

I tested negative on the first swab, but eventually spiralled into a series of symptoms shortly after. I wasn't happy about taking another swab, but I did so anyway. I was concerned about my husband's health. Turns out, I need more attention.

I tested positive and one problem came after the other...

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, be safe than sorry. It's not time to be in denial. If you feel something, seek medical help.

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Today i woke up feeling grateful

for good sleep
for being alive
for being able to sleep flatter than usual
for lifting up to God my anger and emotions
for my breakfast
for the people who make me happy
for my quick blood test
for healthy husband

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Hardly slept..

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We never exactly had a relationship. He hardly knows me, but imposes what he thinks he knows.

He does what he does because he can. I follow because of fear and obligation and need.

Most conversations with him are emotionally painful ones-- stressful, annoying, discouraging, preaching, imposing, negative... painted with severe insecurity.

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My covid journey was unexpected. I took 10 gazillion times extra care to not expose myself to the virus. But things happened and here I am.

I thought I was going to breeze through it. I had 5 days antibiotics and a lot of symptoms, but I trusted the process and believed I was gonna be well immediately.

Such is the opposite. I got pneumonia, was admitted to the hospital, and found that I may need help fortifying my lungs. It makes me worry... anxious.

But i am grateful to have managed to check myself in easily, to have gotten a room, to have been eating good food, to be getting quality care, and to be receiving medication.