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On a crispy afternoon across a barren landscape, a mountain soars from the ground.  A stray bird's wings breaks the silence with its  frantic flapping across the open field. He lands on the mountain and pecked the surface foraging for food.

The vibrations danced throughout the mountain. However this was no ordinary mountain. An ocean of gold flooded the interior. The gold was stacked high as buildings and immersed everything inside.

Silence fell in the mountain. Suddenly, BOOM. Gold coins flew across the room with the exhale of the creature inside. With its slow monstrous movement, coins drop from the beast revealing its shut eye. With a roaring groan, the creatures eye slowly opens.

That is when I knew I was in trouble.

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Add figurative language to your paragraph to improve your work.

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On a crispy afternoon,  a stray bird flew around in the mist. It reached a mountain like place full of stoney rocks, the mountain was covered in mist from far away and large statues of a person around a very large door. The stray found a place somewhere on the mountain.. The bird found a snail on one of the rocks, so it clenched it in its beak and smacked it on the rock about 3 times. Little did the bird know it sent a vibration running through the rocks to behind them. Where the vibrations were sent inside was a OCEAN of gold that covered half of the stairs, waves full of gold that went up. Thick blue pillars stood tall to the roof.. Suddenly! a blue nostril of a creature popped up out of no where beneath  the gold until the whole face came up, a gold brown eye opened.. This is how i knew i was in serious trouble....

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On a crispy afternoon a stray bird flew across the sky, heading towards old, cobble statues which were on a tall mountain. It then went down to an old rock covered in moss. The rock was hard and rough while the bird was small and soft. The bird, that was as tiny as a mouse, kept banging a stone on the outside of the wall in front of it. Vibrations went from the outside of the wall to the inside. The sound and vibrations, from the inside, stopped when it met a pool of gold. Slowly the gold came running down, as if it were on a slide. hitting the bare floor. As it was doing so, parts of a dragon arose from underneath all the gold. Its cat-like eyes opened widely, staring at the wall. The dragon then lifted up it’s head, showing it’s beautiful scales. While rising up, all it could think of was vengeance...

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird flapping, it's tiny feathery wings through the breeze as the wind was punching the bird, it still kept moving smoothly still kinda struggling ensuring its food doesn't drop! It was calmly flying like a cat sleeping! It was Flying next to a Giant Old Statue! Going past it's head and going through a little tiny cave, sitting on a pointy part of the rocks, slapping and killing it! Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock!

As it was all gold inside, you could see you reflection and echoing! Statues of the Ancient was peeling it's eye keeping an eye on the gold! As it was till echoing and vibrating, It STOPPED!!! Kaboom! The nose of the creature is there! It glimpse it's eye on the wind! Opening them into a scary scene! OH NO!!! The dragon is alive and is back! To be continued...

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird happily flies to the base of a mountain to gather food for its family. This mountain was isolated from everything. There was no life to be seen anywhere near the mountain. It had two large doors in the middle and two statues on each side of the door that looked like knights. The little bird then started picking on the large stone walls with an acorn as if it were trying to get inside. Then after a while of picking on the stone wall, it made a tiny hole just big enough to see through. When it looked through, it saw a magnificent palace with mountains of gold. Suddenly, some coins were knocked down to reveal the head of a giant monster there. This is when I knew I was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon a stray bird...

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On a crispy afternoon a stray bird tweets throw the chilly air flying gracefully throw the statue right to left as it reached its destination and it landed with grace and it pecked the wall with a pinecone while a sea of gold was waiting within as on a small hill of gold began to rusle a blue creature slowly peacked throw with a gold eye. . .

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird...

Flies toward a mountain drenched in snow. He goes through the side of a massive monument, and enters a place filled with rocks. The bird comes in as hungry as an elephant and finds a little snail. He then tries to crack the snail's shell open, causing him to bang it against a rock wall. Little does he know that wall is a barrier to a chamber filled with a sea of gold, and upon that mountain of gold lies a mighty beast. A dragon, that the echo of the little birdies noise.

This was when little birdie knew he was in serious trouble.

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On a misty morning a small bird frantically flys over to the base of a snowy mountain, it lands over on some rocks and starts opening up its meal for the morning. When suddenly the little bird notices a rack in the mossy wall , it flies through the crack into a throne room with a mountain of gold. It then continues to break open its food ,Tap, tap, tap and then Crash! A pile of gold comes falling to the ground revealing a lava like eye that was hidden under all that gold, this was when the bird knew it was in real trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird flaps it's wings in a frantic manner. It seamlessly flies above the trees and wildlife in order to reach its destination, the bottom of the mountains. It lands on a rock, picking up the small snail that was on it to eat as a snack. The bird smashes the snail's shell against the mountain. the echoes of this cause a rumbling like sound. From within the mountain lays thousands of dollars worth of gold. And within that pile of gold awakened a beast, a dragon like one. It appeared to have the pupils and ears of a cat and the body of a dragon. It was the Legendary Cragon! it meows intensely, with it's cat like gaze immediately fixed onto me. That's when i new i was in grave danger...

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird gracefully and slowly flew up to the big grey mountain and into a blue cave. He found a nut and he begins to hit the nut against the rocks, not knowing what would happen. The hits begin to echo into a big area with a sea of gold! What was happening!? The bird knew he was in big trouble... The sea of gold began to uncover. BOOM!! Is that AN EYE!?

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird cautiously approached a tall mountain that was larger than the earth itself. She had found a tiny snail, hoping it would be enough to make her full. She hopelessly chipped at it, one peck at a time.

Unknowingly, the vibration of the chipping caused a sight everyone would wish to see. The wind was howling as the mountains of gold stood there confidentially.

CRASH! The golden, glossy, coins were scattered everywhere. A hazel orange like eye widened, gazing upon the ocean of coins he somehow found himself in.

This is when I knew I was in deep trouble, my heart was pounding quicker than it ever had before, and before I could even blink...

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Aidan great work here. I really like the descriptive words and sequencing of your writing. It is clear and progresses well. The onomatopoeia really brings the piece to life. I wonder if you can a smoother transition for the cracked wall... e.g. on the over side of the  rugged mountain wall rests a hidden room...

You might need to mention a sentence about the gold before it flies across the room.

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird struggles to continue flying consistently through the land. As he finally reaches his destination, he squirms into a knights helmet. The bird slowly goes to the largest rock and begins pecking the stone wall with a snail. It uncovers a hidden, small entrance. He glides through it and drifts on top of stash's of gold and is astounded by the brightness. Suddenly the gold crumbles and reveals a beast staring with its furious, glossy eyes at the bird.

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A stray bird swooped into the depths of a dreary cave on a crisp afternoon and cracked a wall-nut with his peckers. The nut's smashing creates a reverberation and disrupts a sacred space brimming with brilliant gold treasures. The sound then awakens a dragon from his slumber, his fiery orange eyes wide with rage.

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A stray bird swooped into the depths of a dreary cave on a crisp afternoon and cracked a wall-nut with his peckers. The nut's smashing creates a reverberation and disrupts a sacred space brimming with brilliant gold treasures. The sound then awakens a dragon from his slumber, his fiery orange eyes wide with rage.

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on a crispy afternoon, a stray bird... glided against the soft wind. Toward a snowy mountain and over a tall human statue. effortlessly grabbing a rock on the way and baning it on a stone wall. Inside, however, an ocean of gold was longing to be found. Inching closer and to the wall with each tap of the rock. A grow was the last thing I heard but little did I know I was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon a stray bird traveled onwards to a lone mountain, where the crippled remains of an almighty fortress once stood. It entered a small cave through a crack, and without hesitation, it started slapping a stone against the wall of the cave.

Within the fortress, a majestic room houses a sea of treasures, hidden from thieving hands in a darkness that rivalled the night. The faint plop, plop, plop of the bird's stone echoed throughout the room. A soft rumble accompanied the noise, plop, plop, plop. The echoes fade as the rumble took over, gold fell away to reveal a hidden danger within, the guardian of the forbidden treasure. The dragon has awaken.

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird hovered towards the snowy mountain. No one seemed to be there as it was quiet. The small bird talked to itself as it gracefully flew against the harsh wind. Eventually, it made it, there was a stone engraving there but the animal didn't seem to look one bit. It flew higher towards in between the boulders and stones. The bird finally found its destination hidden within the mountain. It picked something with a shell likely to be less than an inch big. The bird started to peck the shell with its mouth quickly as if it was panicking. Wow, there were a lot of treasures, an ocean of gold was found. They were all laying there like they haven't been touched in a couple of decades. It was a magnificent find as there were trillions of treasures in the pile. Suddenly all the golds began to move forward falling down onto the golden floor. It was as fast as rain pouring down, perhaps quicker than that. A tall figure roamed up, shiny scaled were to be seen. Wait, is that an eye..?

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on a crispy afternoon,  stray bird whiffs to the beautiful Mount Everest, along the way he landed near ancient stature where there was a small snail. When the bird was enjoying his snack, he made a little shake but he didn't know that it would make such a big issue. This shake was just the beginning..

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird... met its home, where it wanted to stay and spend all its time, with the old ancient statues. There was a cave, could there be something in it that was unsafe for the bird? There was food so nothing could possibly go wrong. So the bird kept going. WOW, this is the most stunning thing that it has ever seen, was it seeing things? It was shining bright and there was gold, this couldn't be real. It was literally an ocean of gold. Boom, Boom! The ground started shaking something blue appeared as if it was a chicken hatching, crack. Its big brown eyes awakened, it was staring but nobody knew if the creature could recognise the birds small self.

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on a crispy afternoon,a stray bird flapped its wings tirelessly to reach the isolated mountain that stood above the clouds as the bird soared over the well rusted statues and abandoned building something caught the birds attention as the bird pecked endlessly at the object a crash a rumbles echoed the the dusted halls of the mountain now the beast had been awaken

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on a crispy afternoon a stray bird flew toward his nest where there where some nuts that awaited him.He flew past the ancient statues and on to his rock where the nuts where  then he lifted it and bang bang bang as he smashed them against the wall the echoing echoed throw the gold chamber and rippeled the gold wakening the beast...

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird struggled to fly up the dark and arctic mountain, past the plains, past the statues, to find food in the cold and frosty evening. The mountain echoing with the sounds of birds, reaching as high as the clouds. The bird passed a dark chamber filled with a sea of gold as bright as the sun. The vibrations from the bird echoed throughout, disrupting the silence and waking a creature the size of a mountain. The creature's eyes look like a dark flame, burst in a canvas, filled with rage.

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On a crispy afternoon a small stray bird flew down from the bright warm sky, gliding across some giant statues to find some food to cure his hunger, he found something small and smashed it against a rock to try and break the shell. little did that bird know that that rock connected to the walls of a glimmering palace filled with mountains of shiny gold. meanwhile the bird was still trying to break open his food by hitting it against a the unstable rock. as he did so whatever was in the castle got more and more disturbed and then BANG! gold fell from its place to uncover a giant mysterious creature i just hope it doesn't see me...

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On a crisp afternoon, a lone bird flaps its wings fast and frantically to land on a mountain side in search of a nutshell to crack. Meanwhile, on the interior, a sea of gold and jewels can be seen, and then, BAM, a massive eye appears. That's when I realised I'd died for good.

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On a crisp afternoon, a lone bird flaps its wings fast and frantically to land on a mountain side in search of a nutshell to crack. Meanwhile, on the interior, a sea of gold and jewels can be seen, and then, BAM, a massive eye appears. That's when I realised I'd died for good.

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On a crispy afternoon , a stray bird soared through the wind as it fluttered to the base of a towering mountain. The little bird landed softly on a rough rock on the side of an abandoned building , pecking away at crumbs and pebbles. But little did that bird know that inside that building had oceans of gold piled up to the skies & jewelry shining brighter than stars in a night sky. As the gold & coins shun and sparkled , everything suddenly began to shake... something was being revealed under the mountains of treasures and riches. A figure that was scaley & terrifying was hidden under all of the goods , covering the figure like a blanket and as the gold continued to fall off the horrid creature , a cat like eye opened...

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird soars to the white, dandy mountain. It landed at the toes of a mossy old statue near a big wooden gate, as it flew up to the top of the endless statue behind its helmet into a small cave cracking A old inhabited snail shell.
As the vibration of the bashing it echoes throughout the cave and into a ocean gold with statues overlooking the riches, it echoes and all of a sudden a steam of air flies out of a pile of gold revealing a blue sapphire creature, a booming echoes starts, as the sapphire creature opens its orange inferning eyes. That was my cue to RUN!

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I wonder if....

I wonder if you can change the sentence that connects two different settings by...

I wonder if you use descriptive language in the part "..............."

I wonder if you can read through and change the tense to past tense....

I wonder if you can change the vocabulary of a particular word.... try this....

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I like the vocabulary you used as it really helped me imagine the text in my head.

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i like how descriptive you were about the mountain

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I like how you used descriptive language it help picture what was going.

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I like how you've established the setting.

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I like how you used descriptive language and sequenced the events.

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i wonder if you could've introduced the dragon a bit better otherwise you've done great

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I wonder if you could add more full stops

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I like how you have used descriptive language and how you have left the story on a cliffhanger
-Isabella

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I wonder if you can change the sentence which you used to switch between the scenes, to make it flow more. :D

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I wonder if you could describe the coins in more detail
-Isabella

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i like your descriptive words that you used lourdes with your onomatopoeia, and the way you structured your writing

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I like how you used onomatopoeia, it let me imagine what the sounds would be the text.

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I wonder if you could use more descriptive language in the part of how the knight's helmet was actually a statue of a knight made of stone.

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I wonder if you could've used better sentence structure and fullstops to make it flow

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I love the way you transitioned into the cave and the sequence of your writing.

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i like how yo described the setting you added a lot of detail

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I like how you used a lot of metaphors and similes. E.g A sea of gold

I wonder if you could have made the bird go inside of the hidden entry instead of saying what he was in for.

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I wonder if you can expand your vocabulary and come up with better descriptive words to better your descriptive piece.

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Keisha,

I really like the level of description that you have included! There is plenty of adjectives that create visual imagery for the reader to picture a detailed setting.

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I like how you did have a rhetorical question in your story because it makes me want to read more and makes it more interesting.

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On a crispy afternoon, a stray bird flew into a tunnel under a mountain. it was filed with ancient statues and blue lights. it was silent and peaceful. the bird decided to go further into the tunnel, and there was an ocean of gold. with jewellery and coins. the colours of blue and green shine bright. but suddenly the gold rustles loudly, and a scaly brown body sticks out. the creature growls...

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I like the description you used and the detail, i also like how u took your time to write a lot and made sure it made sense. I like how u used a cliff hanger to keep the reader thinking.

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I like how you used a rhetorical question

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i wonder if you can elaborate on the bird more

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I like...

I like the great use of onomatopoeia and great description!
It was very interesting and the use of personification was very creative :)

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I like how descriptive your story is and how the story flowed.

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I like how you frequently used adjectives in front of nouns and kept the story interesting and entertaining.

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I wonder if you can change the word 'grabbed' to clenched just to add a bit more sophisticated language. :))

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I wonder if you can use figurative language techniques to spark the readers imagination. E.g. the base of the mountain was guarded by ancient stone warriors that stood as tall as buildings.

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I wonder if you could you maybe add an ellipse to the sentence "The dragon has awaken" so it makes the reader more interested and want more.

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I wonder if you can be more descriptive and use better vocab to make the setting more clearer

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I like how you described the setting and used adjectives.

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I wonder...

The story was good! But I did get a bit confused at some point

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I wonder if you could have added grammar. :)

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A wandering bird flaps its wings to a mountain slope in search of a nutshell. Meanwhile, inside the mountain, a sea of gold and jewels can be seen BAMM out of nowhere, where a massive eye erupts out. That's when I understood I would be dead.

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A wandering bird flaps its wings to a mountain slope in search of a nutshell. Meanwhile, inside the mountain, a sea of gold and jewels can be seen BAMM out of nowhere, where a massive eye erupts out. That's when I understood I would be dead.

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I wonder if you can expand your vocabulary

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I wonder if you could use more metaphors and similes to display the scene in an even more interesting light.

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i wonder if you can make it longer? by perhaps making the introduction piece have what happened in the start of the video? by above that it was really good:))

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i like it. i like how it seems that someone is watching the bird. like a documentary.

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I love how you included small details which helped me see eth story in my head!

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I like the words you used to describe the Chamber filled with Gold

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I like how you used expressive language like soft wind and inching to make the writing make better imagery

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I like the way you described the bird landing and flying. It lets us imagine how the bird would've looked.

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I liked how you described the events that happened in the story with words that made it easier for me to imagine the story in my head, your story also flowed really well - Andie

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i like how you used good descriptive language and good adjectives because it makes the story more real and hooks the reader in!

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Cathy-Maree

I like the way you have used descriptive language and adjectives and adverbs such as "glided and effortlessly". This creates an image in my mind of a bird that is one with nature.

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I like how you described where and what the bird was doing 👏🏻

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i wonder if your choice of words could've been more presice

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I like who you used rhetorical questions and kept the reader on their toes with describing words and tension.

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I like how you used onomatopoeia

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I wonder if you could put full stops so we know that it's different sentences and not just one big one.

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I like the use of adjectives and onomatopoeia.

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I like how you left the reader in suspense and used figurative language to add 'colour' to your scene.

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I wonder if you can expand your vocabulary and extended the paragraph more