# data[].attributes.body
Ah, it’s that sound again.
The chirping of birds bearing witness to yet another daybreak. A disappointed sigh
escaped her lips as she found herself waking up to another day, the beating of her heart joining
thousands of others as their eyes fluttered open to the sound of their alarms. While most people
would wake up with the inevitable doom of slaving themselves to minimum wage-paid jobs, a
different kind of dread filled her mind with it still half-asleep.
Would it make a difference if she had woken up at all? Her eyes stared holes to the plaster
ceiling, her body feeling heavier every second that passed. The pairs of invisible hands reaching
out over her body were all too familiar, pulling her with such weightness that begged her to stay,
numbing all of her voice of reason to keep going and function as a member of the society. It had
always been this difficult, just to wake up in the morning and sync with everybody else like the
circadian rhythm intended. She closed her eyes, waiting for the day to pass.
...I should probably wake up now.
An hour passed, and Jiro was now doing a last once-over check of herself in the mirror
before resuming another mundane day she thought she had given up on. Her eyes glanced at the
stacks of acetaminophen boxes she had impulsively bought a few weeks before, untouched and
waiting to be swallowed down. Her body stilled in front of the door, hand hovering over the knob
before she set her eyes upon the boxes of pills once again.
It would be a lie to say that she was not sure on how many of the pills would take to
render her body lifeless, as she had done thorough research the night prior to buying them. 50
surely would be enough, she muttered under her breath, and her heart began to sped as she
contemplated walking out the door or finally cave into the quiescent subconscious of dolour that
began to wake. What are you so afraid of?Nothing would make a difference if I don’t walk to
class today.
Yes, it would be easier this way. If it meant giving up heaven for her suffering to end,
maybe an invitation to eternal damnation doesn’t sound so bad. Her leg began to lift towards the
boxes-
‘Jiro!’ a shrill voice broke her out of her reverie. Knocks rapped on the door before a
pause, followed by the same voice. ‘Are you there? Your shoes are outside, so... don’t tell me
you’re still sleeping.’
The door swung open.

‘You didn’t tell you were coming.’ Jiro croaked, the predicament she was in just a few
seconds ago had drained the blood whole from her face. Her heart pounded against her chest, and
she was almost embarrassed at the relief she felt from being saved from her sickening thoughts.
‘Why are you here?’
‘I just felt like walking to school with you.’ Rei smiled.
***
They walked in silence as they listened to cars passing by and the busy chatter of the
working class as they waited for the traffic to turn green on pedestrians. Jiro’s heart felt a little
heavier than usual, after all, she felt selfish for trying to free herself from pain when someone
was waiting for her on the other side of the door. What if Jiro had resolved to depart this life a
little earlier? Would Rei have come in when nobody answered, or would she have left thinking
Jiro had gone to school?
‘Rei, would you miss me if I was gone?’ Jiro said, pacing down a little slower.
Rei fell to match with her footsteps, tilting her head slightly. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘...Are
you having a hard time, Jiro?’
‘Not in particular,’ she lied, eyes averting. ‘I was just wondering if my presence makes
any difference.’
‘Your presence makes all the difference in the world to me.’ Rei smiled, intertwining her
fingers with Jiro’s. ‘If you need reassurance, I can tell you the reasons why you’re so important
in this life as thick as a dictionary.’
‘Just the dictionary?’
‘You can name a thicker book than that? I’m happy to entertain.’
A thin smile tugged at the corner of Jiro’s lips. ‘No, a dictionary is enough...’
A pause.
‘Jiro, if there is a time where you’d like to tell what you’re going through, I’d always be
there to listen.’ Rei started. ‘Life is always uncertain, it’s mostly how we perceive these
uncertainties that make us what we are. It’s okay to feel like you’re at a dead end, feeling as
though you’ve hit bedrock. You’re so much better than what you make yourself out to be. You

should know there are people who care deeply for you. Your existence alone is enough to make
me keep going and wake up another day. So, Jiro, if you’re ever feeling helpless, I’ll come and
save you.’
Another pause.
‘Maybe you would change your mind if you knew my intentions.’ Jiro said quietly. ‘Just
this morning, I almost did something very selfish. I was ready to give up paradise and become a
sinner myself.’
‘If saving you is a sin, then I’ll gladly become a sinner.’
Jiro looked over at Rei. ‘That’s.. a bit dramatic.’
‘Well, it’s one way to let you know that I’m here,’ Rei smiled. ‘And for waking up and
living another day, congratulations!’
Jiro knew it would take some time before she could find something for her to stay, but
seeing the smile on Rei’s face made her realize that paradise can be anywhere as long as you
have the will to live. If her passing would make a difference to a person, then that should be
enough of a reason for her to stay and start over. After all, sometimes you need a little wishful
thinking to keep on living.
The chirping of birds flew overhead.
Ah, it’s that sound again.
It’s a little pleasant this time.
***

# data[].attributes.body
Elena Humaira bukanlah seorang gadis yang mempunyai keluarga lengkap seperti orang
lain. Ketika umurnya baru hendak mencecah 13 tahun, dia sudah kehilangan kedua orang tua dan
tiga orang adiknya akibat kemalangan jalan raya. Elena yang merupakan anak sulung itu perlu
meneruskan hidupnya sebatang kara di rumah anak yatim. Manusia selalu berkata bahawa hidup
tidak selalunya indah, kadangkala kita ada di atas dan kadangkala kita akan merasa peritnya
duduk di bawah. Namun, pada Elena, hidupnya itu tidak pernah lagi indah pada saat dia
kehilangan ahli keluarganya buat selama-lamanya. Apabila Elena berusia 20 tahun, dia mula
bekerja di sebuah kilang roti berdekatan dengan rumah anak yatim yang didudukinya. Dia
mempunyai beberapa orang kawan yang rapat dengannya. Antaranya, Hafiz. Hafiz bukanlah
hanya sekadar kawan pada Elena. Elena menyimpan perasaan kepada Hafiz dalam diam.
Hari-hari yang dilalui Elena terasa lebih hidup apabila dia dapat berjumpa dengan Hafiz di
tempat kerjanya. Tuah ayam nampak di kaki, tuah manusia siapa yang tahu. Pada suatu hari,
Hafiz mengajak Elena mendirikan rumah tangga bersama, membina masjid yang bakal diredhai
Sang Pencipta. Elena yang sememangnya sangat menyukai Hafiz berasa sangat bahagia dan
menerima ajakan Hafiz itu.
Lima tahun dalam alam perkahwinan, Elena berasa sangat bahagia. Bahagia yang sudah
lama tidak dapat dirasakannya. Hafiz melayannya bak permaisuri dan Elena sentiasa melayan
Hafiz seperti seorang raja. Walaupun kehidupan mereka tidak mewah, namun cukup untuk
membuatkan mereka berdua merasa cukup dengan apa yang ada. Apabila cinta sudah penuh
dijiwa, pasti tempat dan keadaan jatuh pada anak tangga yang kedua. Setia yang mereka miliki
cukup untuk membuatkan cinta Elena terhadap Hafiz semakin mekar hari demi hari.
Pada suatu petang yang redup, Elena sedang mengemas almari baju milik mereka berdua.
Sedang Elena menyusun baju-baju itu, seutas rantai mirip rantai mutiara ibunya terjatuh dari
celah-celah lipatan baju Hafiz. Rantai mutiara milik ibunya dahulu itu dibelikan oleh ayahnya di
Bangkok. Rantai itu sangat mahal dan ia merupakan koleksi yang terhad. Hanya beberapa orang
di dalam dunia yang memiliki rantai mutiara itu. Elena mula berasa aneh dan pelbagai tanggapan
mula timbul di mindanya. Seusai Hafiz pulang ke rumah dan mula untuk berehat, Elena
mengeluarkan rantai mutiara itu dan menayangkannya di hadapan muka Hafiz. Muka Hafiz
bertukar menjadi merah dan tubuh badannya mulai kaku. Elena memaksa Hafiz untuk
memberitahunya dari mana dia mendapatkan rantai itu. Selepas didesak, Hafiz akhirnya
membuka mulut. Apa yang keluar dari mulut Hafiz itu membuatkan Elena berasa sangat marah

AQASYAH FARAH

dan kecewa. Hafiz Zain, suaminya sendiri, adalah pembunuh kedua ibu bapa dan tiga lagi orang
adiknya. Ketika kemalangan itu berlaku, Hafiz yang berumur 20 tahun sedang memandu pada
waktu malam untuk pulang ke rumah. Disebabkan kecuaiannya yang memandu kereta lebih dari
had laju, dia tidak dapat mengawal keretanya dan akhirnya dia melanggar kereta di hadapannya
iaitu kereta milik ahli keluarga Elena. Telah ditetapkan Tuhan, Hafiz hanya mengalami
kecederaan yang ringan manakala kesemua ahli keluarga Elena meninggal dunia di tempat
kejadian. Elena yang mendengar apa yang diceritakan Hafiz sambil menangis tersedu itu
menjerit sekuat-kuatnya. Dipukul-pukulnya tubuh badan Hafiz kerana terlalu marah dan sedih.
Sepanjang lima tahun perkahwinan, tidak sekalipun Hafiz pernah cuba untuk memberitahunya.
Apa yang membuatkan Elena lebih marah adalah apabila Hafiz mengatakan bahawa dia
mengajak Elena berkahwin hanya kerana dia ingin menebus rasa bersalah di dalam dirinya.
Tiada sekelumit cinta pun di dalam hatinya. Luluh hati seorang isteri yang menyangka dia telah
dapat membahagiakan suaminya, ternyata itu semua cuma sia-sia.
Sehari selepas kemalangan itu berlaku, Hafiz mendapati bahawa keluarga yang
dilanggarnya itu masih meninggalkan seorang gadis berusia 13 tahun yang masih hidup kerana
dia tidak mengikuti mereka pada malam kejadian. Sejak itu, dia berazam bahawa dia akan
mencari gadis itu dan akan mengahwininya untuk menebus kesalahannya. Selepas berkahwin
dengan Elena, dia cuba untuk mencintai isterinya itu, namun dia tidak pernah berjaya. Niatnya
hanya untuk memberikan kehidupan yang serba cukup untuk Elena supaya Elena tidak terbeban
lagi dengan masa silamnya. Rantai mutiara itu Hafiz temui di tempat kejadian. Dia
menyimpannya supaya dia tidak akan pernah lupa tentang apa yang telah berlaku 12 tahun yang
lepas. Elena menjadi sangat marah dan tidak tentu arah. Dihalaunya Hafiz dari rumah dan
menyuruhnya jangan jejak lagi ke situ. Hafiz yang tahu Elena berhak untuk berasa marah terus
meninggalkan rumah itu sehelai sepinggang.
Sejak itu, Elena kerap menangis. Dia mulai terfikir untuk membunuh dirinya. Pada dia,
tiada guna untuk dia terus hidup jika hidupnya penuh dengan perkara malang. Kehilangan
seluruh ahli keluarganya pada usia yang muda dan berkahwin dengan lelaki yang dia cintai
sepenuh hati namun lelaki itu sebenarnya adalah punca kemalangan ahli keluarganya. Lebih
mengeruhkan keadaan, lelaki itu sedikit pun tidak mencintainya. Dia mulai merasakan dirinya
tidak lagi berharga dan semuanya hanya sia-sia. Selepas dua bulan Hafiz hilang tanpa khabar,
Elena mendapati dia menghidap kemurungan selepas berjumpa dengan psikiatri. Dia hilang

AQASYAH FARAH

sudah putus harapan untuk meneruskan hidupnya. Dia kerap membahayakan dirinya dengan
melakukan perkara yang tidak sepatutnya. Apa yang lebih mengeruhkan, Elena sentiasa
berseorangan. Hafiz tidak pernah pulang ke pangkuan Elena. Dibiarkan Elena menanggung
derita dan beban itu seorang diri. Elena tidak pernah meminta untuk berada dalam keadaan itu.
Dia sentiasa ingin mengubah dirinya, namun, untuk bebas daripada kemurungan, sememangnya
kita memerlukan sokongan dari orang sekeliling. Bukan mudah untuk keluar dari lembah gelap
ini seorang diri.
Selepas dua tahun, Elena akhirnya mendapat kekuatan untuk keluar dari bulatan dirinya
sendiri. Dia membeli tiket penerbangan ke Indonesia menggunakan duit di dalam akaun banknya
untuk berhijrah kesana. Walaupun Hafiz tidak pernah lagi pulang, dia tidak pernah berhenti
memasukkan duit ke dalam akaun Elena. Dia mungkin masih ingin menebus kesalahannya
walaupun dari jarak jauh, fikir Elena. Elena mula memulakan hidup baru di Jakarta. Dia bekerja
di sana, membuat kawan baru dan mula merancang masa depannya. Elena masih mengambil
ubat kemurungan bagi merawat penyakitnya. Kawan-kawannya di sana juga faham akan
situasinya dan sentiasa menghulurkan sokongan kepada Elena. Kali ini, Elena mula menerima
masa silamnya dan dia mula menyayangi dirinya semula. Dia mula mencari kasih yang telah
hilang sejak dahulu lagi. Kasih dari dirinya terhadap dirinya sendiri, Elena Humaira. Cukup
untuk dia tahu bahawa selepas semuanya, dia tetap perlu menghargai dan menyayangi dirinya
sendiri.

– Tamat –

# data[].attributes.body
They were having fun along with their friends. Giggled and laughed fill the air. Soon, it is time
to bid goodbye. They went home in hands. As far as he can remembered, they always been
together, most likely inseparable. Time flies, they growing fast. New phase came for them.

Starting high school, everything seems bizzare. Lots of new face, people and surrounding.
Having a circle being top priority. They made friends on their own. Sad to be truth, their
interest in peers diversified. He’s brother became popular among students and teachers.
Performed great in an e-sport competition, shines him as a new athlete at school.
Meanwhile, he was abandoned.

In his eyes, he believed his brother was just busy. He’s happy for him. He know how
passionate his brother is when involved in video games. But there was a little problem. He
did not read the air correctly. As he thought his brother and his group of friends hang out
with him, they were just used him. At first, his brother asked him to help them buying snacks.
He literally do not want to do it, but taking the words ‘help’ from his brother, it means a lot.
Soon, unfamiliar orders became no longer strange. He had been treated like slave. Carried
their bags, buying foods and drinks during recess nor after school, he spend more for others
and not for himself. All of this just for a simpy ‘help’ from his brother. Little did he know, he
will taste disappointed.

One day, he woke up late for school and missed the bus. His brother do not ever bother to
wake him up. He was so frustrated. He walked nearly a miles to school that morning. As he
arrived, it was already recess and he went to their spot behide the building. He wanted to
apologize for being late today. All his friends started to blabbering. Said that they hungry,
exhausted and sick of him. He look down all the time. He did not hear any words from his
brother. He look up to him. He look into his eyes. His brother looked so angry. Without any
warn, he felt down on the floor. His head felt heavy. For the first time in his life, he got hit by
him. He cried, out loud. He cannot bear the heavy in his chest. It hurts, too much. He wanted
to apologies. Just before he said something, his brother whisper, “ I do hope you never
exist!” and walked away. He was left, broken in the inside.

He seeing changes at his brother’s attitude. He put the blame on himself. He desperately
looked for answers. Why? When? What did he ever do wrong to him? He asked himself again
and again till he found the answer, his brother’s friends. Yes, it were them. They possessed
him. He need to bring back his brother. One day, as they were alone at home, he grabbed on
his brother’s shirt. Rebuked him for acting weird around his friends. He exploded in the room
in front of his brother yielded explainations. His brother suddenly became kind, he comforted
him, calmed him down. Saying sorry for all stupid things he done. Facing this, his heart
melted. He successfully brought back his brother.

Not long after, their routine back to normal. During break at school, he waited for his brother
and his group to hang out at their usual spot. He also brought a lot of snacks along. When
they arrived, he ran to them offered snacks. Smile on his face frowned as he heard awful
things coming out from them. “What’s wrong with you? Can you read the air?” “To be
honest, you look so stupid right now.” “Please, don’tcome near me.” Those words echoing in
his head. But that does not the matter, the matter was just one person, his brother. He
looked at him. He just grinned annoyedly and pushed him as he walked out the situations.
Angry? Pain? It was empty. His heart numb. He decided to gave time for his brother to learn
himself. For result, he started to distanced himself from others. He spend more time alone,
at school nor at home, silent kept him close. His mother noticed the changes. She tried to
talk, she asked few time but all she got, “I need time.”

His mother however, got hold on his school, his friends said, he is a really good friend and a
compatitive groupmate. He even made to the final for the upcoming individual esport event.
Teachers do honour him. His gred gradually adding, he managed to be on top 10 student in
entire batch. He is a good example for other students. Nothing seems suspicious. Maybe she
just imagine things, exhausted from work. She thought her son also like her, exhausted from
daily life activities. She just let him be for this moment onwards. A mother instincts cannot be
wrong. She feel sorry for her son because she always stick at work. So she get off work for a
few days. Later, she learned something new about her son, his playing truant. She bang on
his door asking whether he sick or what but he answered, “I’m good. Just sleepy.” Evening on
the same day, a couple of his friends drop by his house. They asking for him. When his
mother get him, he said, “ask those traitors leaves immediately.” His mother get confused.
She later said her son not feeling well and asked the boys the circumstances. They told her
that her son do not go to for almost 2 weeks and the teacher asked them to pay a visit. She
was a bit shock. Yesterday, her son went out to school. But she did not said anythings to the
boys and bid goodbye to them.

The next day, her son going out to school. Saw this opportunity, she grabbed the change and
searched his room for clues. She found diaries, tons of them. She look through all of them till
the meet the latest dates, it was full of despaire. All about his brother’s perspective. Those
diaries blown her mind. On the last page, it was written, “thank you sister because you trust
me and be my friend and don’t leave me alone.” She then speak to herself, “what have I
done?” with a sobbing voice.

She have to be strong. Concerned on his son’s health, she tried to short all things out and put
the pieces together. She again tried to make him confess but he kept on denying everything.
He said everything just like usual, nothing changes. At this one, she knew she must acted up.

She looked up on google. Many bad things came out. She panicked, thinking of the worse,
suicidal. No time to joke around, she went to a psychiatrist for help. She told everything to
the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist suggested to change her son environment, drastically
change. Change his school, move out to another resident. Spend a lot of time together and

create new memories to fade out his anxiousness. She again blame herself. Perpetually on
work, she neglected her own child. She failed as a mother. Now she’sready to make change,
as long as it’s for her son good, she is ready to sacrifice.

There just the two of them, he and his mother. Both are having off for the day. His mother
turn on the television and start to switch channels before stop on an interview. “You didn’t
tell me it’s today!” Said his mother. The interview is about himself, sharing to the world how
autism is never a barrier for success. All this time, his mother devoted everything to raised
him all alone. “So tell me, what is your recipe for success? A lot of people what to know
about it!”

# data[].attributes.body
Jam loceng berbunyi menandakan waktu 5:00 pagi. Jenin dengan perlahan-lahan membuka kedua-dua matanya untuk memulakan hari baru dalam hidupnya. Dia merenung buat seketika seperti memikirkan sesuatu yang bakal menimpanya pada hari ini. “Haishh apalah agaknya nasib aku harini” kata Jenin dengan nada yang perlahan.

Jenin bergerak menuju ke bilik air yang tidak jauh dari tempat tidurnya. Setelah beliau mencuci muka dan memberus giginya, dia mencuci pula kedua-dua belah tangan. “Okay tangan sudah
bersih”...”Mungkin perlu bersihkan sikit saja lagi”...”Eh ada bahagian yang belum bersih
lagi”...”Ok kali ini yang terakhir aku janji”... “Eh rasa tak puas hati la, nak cuci sekali lagi lah”. Begitulah ayat-ayat yang sering kali bermain dalam fikiran Jenin setiap kali beliau sedang mencuci tangan. Setelah hampir 20 minit mencuci tangan, seorang wanita berumur dalam lingkungan 40-an masuk ke bilik Jenin bagi menjenguk budak lelaki yang berusia 15 tahun itu. “Apa yang kau buat sampai 20 minit dalam bilik air ni ha !?!!” tengking Julia yang merupakan ibu
angkat kepada Jenin. “Kau jangan bazirkan bil air aku budak, kau patutnya bersyukur aku jaga kau dari kau kecik faham !”. Jenin dengan perasaan takut menutup pili paip. Walaupun begitu, dia masih berasa bahawa dia belum mencuci tangannya dengan sempurna lagi.

Jam menunjukkan waktu 6:00 pagi, Julia telah bergerak ke tempat kerja seawal 5:50 pagi. Kebiasaannya Jenin akan bergerak sendiri ke sekolah yang terletak tidak lebih dari 100 meter dari rumahnya itu. Sesi pembelajaran di sekolah harian biasanya bermula pada jam seawal 8:00 pagi, namun para pelajar perlu berada di perkarangan sekolah selewat-lewatnya pada jam
7:15 pagi.

Jenin sudah bersiap sedia dengan pakaian seragamnya. “Baiklah, semuanya sudah siap” kata Jenin dengan yakin. Tiba-tiba Jenin perasan akan kesan kedutan pada bahagian lengan pakaian tersebut. “Alamak, macam mana boleh ada kedutan ni. Tidak mengapalah, sikit saja”. Jenin cuba untuk memujuk diri agar tidak terikut-ikut dengan fikirannya. Namun begitu, fikirannya yang sering mengarahkan beliau untuk menggosok pakaiannya semakin membuak.
“Jangan Jenin, nanti kau lewat ke sekolah”... “Eh gosok la sedikit, nanti nampak buruk
pula”...”Sikit saja kesan kedutan ini, bukan orang nampak pun”. Makin serabut fikiran Jenin dibuatnya.

Berbunyinya jam loceng pertama di sekolah menandakan pukul 8:30 pagi. Seorang guru wanita sedang mengalihkan pandangannya ke setiap penjuru kelas. “Buat hal lagi nampaknya si Jenin ini” bisik Cikgu Masya yang merupakan guru subjek sejarah bagi pelajar tingkatan 3. Jenin tiba di hadapan pintu kelas dalam keadaaan yang cemas. Nafasnya tercungap-cungap. Cikgu
Masya dan rakan sekelasnya mengalihkan pandangan kepada Jenin. “Assalamualaikum cikgu, maaf saya lamb...” belum sempat Jenin hendak habis bercakap, terus dipintas oleh gurunya itu. “Jangan hendak mengada-ngada, jangan kamu berani masuk ke kelas saya sampailah habis waktu faham !?!’’. Terdiam Jenin. Rakan-rakan sekelasnya yang lain ketawa melihat Jenin dimarahi gurunya itu.

Begitulah rutin harian Jenin semasa waktu persekolahan. Dia tidak tahu bagaimana hendak mengadu tentang masalahnya. Tambahan pula, Jenin sendiri tidak tahu kepada siapa dia hendak mengadu. Di rumah sendiri beliau sering ditengking oleh ibu angkatnya apatah lagi di sekolah. Rakan-rakannya yang lain sering kali menjauhkan diri mereka daripada Jenin. Jenin merasakan mungkin dia diciptakan untuk menjadi alat untuk dimarahi oleh masyarakat sekeliling. Itulah apa yang dirasakan juga oleh Jenin, menjadi kanak-kanak yang terabai.

“Alangkah indah sekiranya aku tidak memiliki emosi” bisik Jenin. “Bila tiada emosi, aku tidak perlu risau apabila kena marah, tidak perlu juga untuk aku berasa sedih bila keseorangan” sambung bisikan Jenin. Jenin tidak dapat menahan air matanya daripada mengalir ke pipinya.

Seorang lagi guru wanita sedang berjalan di koridor berdekatan dengan kelas Jenin. Beliau merupakan guru subjek matematik yang baru saja bertugas di sekolah itu. Guru tersebut melihat tangisan Jenin. Tiba-tiba dari belakang guru wanita tersebut hadir seorang guru lelaki bernama Cikgu Mat. “Ahh Cikgu Amal, selamat pagi cikgu” kata Cikgu Mat. “Ouh selamat pagi
juga Cikgu Mat” sambut Cikgu Amal. “Oh ya Cikgu Mat kenal ke dengan murid di koridor itu?” tanya Cikgu Amal. “Ouh..itu Jenin. Murid tingkatan 3. Memang budak itu bermasalah sejak dari tingkatan satu lagi” jawab Cikgu Mat. “Budak itu memang pelik sedikit, kalau dia basuh tangan
memang lama, sudahlah datang ke sekolah lewat” tambah Cikgu Mat. Kemudian Cikgu Mat memberi nasihat “Tidak perlu layan murid itu, ibu angkatnya juga sudah tidak tahu bagaimana hendak selesaikan masalah dia”. Cikgu Amal hanya mendiamkan diri. Beliau merasakan yang
ada sesuatu yang tidak kena tentang Jenin.

Cikgu Amal mengekori Jenin pada waktu rehat bagi pelajar menengah rendah. Beliau nampak akan kelakuan Jenin yang aneh sewaktu murid itu mencuci tangan di kantin. Mata Cikgu Amal dengan tiba-tiba berkaca. Teringat sewaktu beliau masih kecil. Beliau juga memiliki masalah yang sama. Cikgu Amal faham akan situasi Jenin itu.

Selepas habis sesi persekolahan, Cikgu Amal berjumpa Jenin secara individu.
“Assalamualaikum Jenin, bagaimana sesi persekolahan harini ?” tanya cikgu Amal.
“Waalaikumsalam cikgu Amal, biasa saja” balas Jenin. “Jenin, Cikgu nak tanya, Jenin pernah dengar apa itu OCD ?’. Jenin menunjukkan reaksi tertanya-tanya. “Haa mesti Jenin tidak tahu bukan, OCD itu nama pendek bagi Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” jawab cikgu Amal. Jenin masih tidak dapat memahami apa yang hendak disampaikan oleh cikgu. “Mari sini saya
terangkan dengan lebih mudah” tawar cikgu Amal.

Jenin terkejut bahawa Cikgu Amal juga merupakan seorang yang menghidap penyakit OCD sejak kecil lagi. Jenin tidak dapat menahan dirinya daripada merasa sebak apabila mendapat tahu bahawa bukan beliau saja keseorangan memiliki masalah yang sama, bahkan ramai lagi.

“Kamu tidak perlu berasa hina tentang diri kamu Jenin” pujuk Cikgu Amal. “Apa yang penting, kita mesti teruskan dengan jalan kehidupan yang kita tempuhi. Tambahan pula, kita boleh sama-sama melatih diri supaya dapat kawal tabiat tersebut” tambah Cikgu Amal.

Jenin tidak sangka bahawa ada seseorang yang sanggup mengambil berat tentang
keadaannya. Satu perasaan aneh dirasai oleh Jenin. Dia seolah-olah kali pertama merasainya. Senyuman terukir di wajahnya, air mata sekali lagi mengalir di pipinya. Tetapi, kali ini air mata tersebut hadir dengan jiwa yang tenang.

“Baru aku faham kenapa manusia diciptakan dengan emosi, rupanya ada juga emosi gembira” bisik Jenin.

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"Hey! What on Earth are you doing?!"

Tsubaki looked down to see a 115 centimetres child, with her brows furrowed and her hands on her hip. Her cheeks were as red as strawberry jam on a strawberry tart.

"I'm taking down the wall, obviously." Tsubaki yelled back at her and continued removing the bricks of the wall one-by-one.

"What?! No! No! No! No! No!" The girl ran towards the ladder she was on and began shaking it.

"Ok! Ok! Stop it! I'm going down!"

As she reached the ground and stood in front of the girl, her eyes noticed first the innumerable scars that deformed her fair skin. Her cells shuddered.

"I built that wall for our safety. For protection. There are a lot of horrible people outside.", the girl scolded. Tsubaki wondered whether the scars came from her building the wall on her own or from the 'horrible people' she was talking about.

"But if you build a wall, how can people say Hi to you and be your friends?", Tsubaki questioned.

"If you mean 'friends' are the people who will backstab, manipulate, use and bully you, then no, thank you. Definitely not interested."

The bitter words made her realise one truth- the kid had gone through a lot of things.

"Not everyone is like that, you know."

"You can't tell whether they are good or bad until they make a mess here when you let them in. This is the safer option! No means no!", she stomped her feet to the ground.

There was silence.

"Besides," she continued, "if there are such things as kind people, aren't you afraid they won't like you when you show them what we have behind these walls? Just look at this place!" She turned her back on Tsubaki and threw her arms towards the view in front of them. The sky was dark. The air was cold. The ground was embellished with cracks and fissures as it stretched to the horizon. Toxic wastes spilled across the land, forming puddles and rivers. It was nothing less
than a wasteland.

"Our heart is a mess." The girl said, great sadness laced in her voice. "You want to tear down the wall and let them see who you are? Just because you wanted to make some friends?"

"I..."

"Bad people will mess with your heart. Good people will scorn at the mess and leave you. Either way, we will end up getting hurt. To make connections, to make relationships require a lot of care and the more you care, the more you can get hurt. That's why I built this wall over the years we grew up. So no one can hurt us. Even if it means to stop caring for others, at least I won't get hurt anymore. I won't get hurt. No more."

She sat down and pulled her knees to her chest. Tsubaki thought about how she was comparable to a fetus- So small. So fragile. So weak. So... scared. Yet unlike any other children, she did not cry at her times of weakness and fragility. She only sat there, with a mask-like face, staring to the horizon. To see a child cry was always heart-breaking but to see a child who never cries was peculiarly eerie. Tsubaki speculated the adults around her were responsible for her emotional
state.

Tsubaki took a deep breath and kick-started her brain to choose the correct words before sending it to her voice box to articulate it. "You are right. The more we care, the more we can get hurt. But if we avoid caring to avoid hurting, then we also avoid healing."

There was a twitch at the little girl's shoulder.

"We can't continue living like this. I have to care. I'll get hurt, yes. But this is the only way to heal from the pains we've been carrying.", she continued.

"...My years of work- building this wall -were for nothing?"

"No. I won't tear it all down. These walls are for protection after all. You've protected me. You did a great job. I am grateful to you.", she returned to the ladder and put her foot on its step. She glanced back at the little girl and gently said,

"Thank you, my traumatized inner child."

******

"If you really are my best friend, you would have done whatever I ask of you!"

A manipulator.

"If you don't stop crying, I'm gonna beat you even harder!"

An abuser.

"Did you know that Tsubaki..."

A backbiter.

Throughout her 23 years of life, she had met with various kinds of people. She started out the same as many other children- with simple, naive trust. Shielded from the many ways that life was neither fair nor just. Then, there came moments that taught her a simple truth: If she depends on others, she will never find her place. Upon that realization, she decided to shut her heart from any kinds of true connections. Other people were simply background characters. She was alone but she was fine with that for many years until God had other plans for her.

"Good day, sir. I am Izayoi Tsubaki. A fourth year medical student."

"Oh wow! A medical student! A future doctor!", the patient exclaimed.

At the patient's amazement, she let out a forced chuckle. She never wanted to be one but there she was, listening to patient's complaints. Why did God allow her to be a future doctor when she didn't even want to care for people? A lesson? A punishment? She could never grasp the celestial wisdom behind her fate. She could only introspect and theorise. Perhaps, her becoming a doctor wasn't to treat the sick but because she was sick. Asides from becoming God's agent of healing, she herself needed healing. Depression was stagnating. Caring and connecting were healing. To start healing, she would have to start caring and consequently, start hurting all over again. She knew that and of course, her Creator knew better.

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Violet is a lovely name that evokes beauty and grace, and also represents the power of nature. That is my name, and this is my story. The path to self-love is a journey, like any journey there are the highs and lows, there are many paths, many questions and many answers and I have been down many byways to get to the point I am at now where I am and I am okay.

Growing up, I wasn’t feeling grateful that I was born into this life. I feel my own existence has no benefits to others. I feel like I am being a burden to everyone around me, annoying them with my existence. I have no talent or skills to show up and be proud of. When someone asks me, “What makes you unique?" I feel awkward and don’t know what to answer. I’m just a plain person without having anything special about me. I’m even lacking confidence and afraid to speak up even for myself because I'm afraid of what people might say and judge about me.

I always wake up with the same nightmares, thinking I will become no one and nothing cares about me anymore. I’m alone, in the darkness feeling no one is going to love me. I have been struggling with depression for many years and barely caring for myself. For a long time, I searched for love everywhere else other than from the inside. I had no idea what it meant to love myself back then. I wish I could explain to someone how lonely I feel, but of course, some feelings are hard to describe.

When I got a chance to further my study far away from my home and be exposed to a broader world, I started slowly discovering what I like, what I want and what I want to achieve. I learned to love myself when I came to the realisation that no matter what happens in life the only person that will always be there is me. It finally dawned on me that I would have to stand on my own two feet.Self-love brings confidence. Through self- love, I am able to heal properly.

From that day forward I began to carve out moments that gave me pleasure and happiness. I treat myself more and give myself a self-reward after every achievement I score. I realise that I need to love myself more so that I truly know what I am. I realised the importance of self-love. I practice self-love to honour myself and to know my value. I have accepted that no matter how good or bad things are around me, the most important factor influencing how I feel is me. The nicer I am to myself, the more I surround myself with thoughts, people, and beliefs that nurture a positive self.

So, when people sometimes ask me who is my most favourite person? Who is it that inspires me? Who would I like to be with? I would proudly to say “myself”

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It was 3 am in the morning and I am shaking. I searched for my medicine but I couldn’t find it. I ask Allah, “Why me? Why me ya Allah”. The next morning, she  scolds me again. She asks him to take the hanger. I cried again. That was day two in-room without eating. The next morning, I need to eat, my stomach stabbing me. I grab some bread and milk and continue sleeping. I need to run from home. But how? It was one year ago. But it happens when I come back home from university. I pleased myself a lot luckily, it did not leave scar. I don’t know who am I should tell my story. I have friends but they know my love , I don’t want to expose them . Because, I love them. Its time for go back to university, they look just fine and happy. He gave RM 100 for me, I bought my breakfast and drink and taking selfie. “Woah, I look so happy”. I arrived my uni and call grab and it cost RM 10. I am hungry and grab my lunch, I look into my purse and I only have RM30 left for a week. It was so hard living like this. I never told anyone about how hard my life is, I only ranted on my private Twitter that no one follow me. One week later, I call her. I ask her how she was, and she asked me “ Taknak tukar medic ke?” I laughed. I go to bed and cry again. When International Nurse Day came, I look at my friend’s parent's wish their daughter. I send a nurse poster to them and they all seen. I want to give up on this study so badly. But if I quit, then what should I do? I can’t give up. I told myself, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to not eat for a week, it’s okay in everything. At least, I still have some people caring for me. I shouldn't give up in life when I have no one else.

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Even when it rains a lot in spring, the sun will always shine. That’s how the flowers bloom.

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She’s always shining.

She radiates light and positivity to people around her by giving compliments here and there. She brings smiles to frowned-upon faces by telling them random stories of her daily life. She reassures worried hearts with her eloquent words. She gives hope to unwilled souls with her usual ‘you did great today’ WhatsApp status. She inspires people by volunteering a lot.

She shines bright, and it seems as if her light never fades out.

🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸

They call her Spring, as in the season.

And coincidentally, she resembles the season very much.

🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸

It rains a lot during spring, so flowers can bloom beautifully in the season.

And just like spring, she experiences rain a lot in her life. She is not as bright as the persona she allows the public to see. If she were to keep track of the weather throughout her life, the rain would get an easy win.

She is afraid to let people down, she once mentioned. She is scared that people around her will be disappointed to know that it is only the rainy season instead of spring.

Therefore, she hides.

It becomes a habit for her to withdraw herself into her tiny safe space whenever the rain comes. She shuts herself out and stays there until the gloomy clouds pass by.

The weather will usually change after a week at most. But it has been two weeks already, I notice, and she is still deep in her space with no intention of coming out. She has been keeping distant from everyone for the past fourteen days and nothing about it screams fine.

Something is wrong, and I know I have to reach out to her.

“Hey Spring,” I type, “how are you? I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but I want you to know that you’re going to be fine. You have gone through a lot of obstacles in life, and this is probably just another obstacle you’re bound to face and survive. I hope you’ll feel better soon. And remember, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’m always here for you. I’m only a call away.”

I send the message and cross my fingers, hoping that Spring will open her heart and reach out to me.

The double grey tick turns blue in a matter of seconds, and within minutes, my phone vibrates.

“H- Hey,” she stutters, voice low. “Do you have a minute?”

“My time is always yours, Spring.”

I hear a sob stuck in her throat before she speaks, “The new pills don’t work.” Another sob manages to escape, “I can’t sleep for a few days already.”

This is the real Spring - the one she hides from the world.

“The doctor changed the medications. He said they will help me feel better— but instead, I feel worse. I can’t stop the devil inside my head. It’s deafening.”

There is a long pause before she whispers, “It keeps telling me to end my life.”

My whole body trembles.

“Spring...”

“I tied myself to the bed,” she says helplessly, “and I think my roommates have hidden all sharp things.” She chuckles. “It’s funny, don’t you think? How do people expect me to be bright all the time and yet I have this?”

This - is major depressive disorder and insomnia.

“I’m exhausted,” she starts sobbing again. “Do you think I’m strong enough to get through this?”

That’s the cue.

“Thank you for trusting me on this. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you.”

Her breathing hitches.

“The most inspiring thing about you is that you’re a warrior. You’re a monarch; the conqueror of every challenge and obstacle. You never back down despite any diculties. You have proven yourself countless times already.” I look at the picture of us hung on the wall and continue, “and I know you’ll get through this just fine. I’m a strong believer that you will be a greater person in the future.”

“Your presence makes my world a lot better, Spring. You showed me how to live life and contribute to society in your own way. So... Thank you. Thank you for being who you are today. You have been strong for so long and it’s not easy, I know, but you nailed it every single time.”

Spring replies with a sob.

“I desperately need that,” she manages to whisper, “you said all the things I desperately want to hear.”

“I want you to know that if you create a distance and demand some time and space, I will still be there when you return. If you turn around, I will be there to give you a reassuring smile. And before you fall, I will be there to catch you.” I stare at our picture again. “You only need to reach out and have faith, because I always have your back.”

There is a long comfortable silence before Spring forces a mued ‘thank you’ in between her sobs.

The two words mean a lot, and both of us know it. It’s thank you for reaching out to her. It’s thank you for understanding her. It’s thank you for being there for her.

I caress our friendship ring and smile as if she can see me through the phone call.

“And thank you for being you, Spring.”

🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸

Spring is always shining, and that’s because she has me on her back.

I am her dear sun.

I radiate light to her when it rains. I share my warmth with her when her energy wears off.

And this is how the flowers bloom so beautifully in spring.

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Everyday I arrange white lilies for their demise

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Everyday I arrange white lilies for their demise

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My name is Serene, as in the adjective for calm, peaceful, untroubled but I am very
much troublesome. Very much but we need to keep that silent. These my mental notes from 2005, living as a 17 17-year-old teenager in my clown town aiming to own the caged crown.

April 19, 2005 ,Serene

I wake up and always live in fear
Every day is another new phobia that I cannot tear
My father always sit behind the table—a minister
And I know my mother always tips off the opposition side’s writer

At the dinner, it is always the intense silent war
We seem so close, too close yet emotionally far
We always smile, they platonically kiss, hiding all scars
And move on the next day in different cars, drawing different stars

It has always been like that for 365 days
What an impressive 25 years old marriage considering it is this mundane
Should I run to the seashore, eating strawberry sundae
Forgetting this inner war, killing all this extreme pain?

Father says science social and political studies are the best
‘It is for the future, power is what you need to invest.’
Mother rebuts saying ‘Mass communication and journalism is more advanced.’
‘Pen is mightier than the sword, even in ingénue dress.’

Sharp at 0000 hours, I exile from the ‘mighty citadel’ of my country
Notes on the table but there is not a single sorry
This is me stuck in 366th before my new page of story
From the past me in hoary to a new brand of glory

I shut down my 2005 journal. My rebellious side seemed needing the urge to tame
down. So, I write books; not to justify my broken side but to let you know what it feels to live in a powerful family that is only for the show. The fact is I am that damsel in distress. I learned about politics but Mom said, I write powerful words even in my dress. My family needs to know that family is the foundation of the society but hey, isn’t she the one that conceals that senior minister’s policy? Isn’t she his daughter?—Yeah, I get that a lot. I did watch the bribery, the parties and the betrayals. Mom knew but she did nothing. She knew that tipping off the other side’s writer was not enough but she cannot leave him. Both are terrible, so am I. I was born into this family. I know politics and I know how to write. So I jot down the finishing stanza of my 2005’s rebellious poem.

April 19, 2010, Serene

I know they see me as a peacemaker—but I am a disguised
I took chemistry, becoming a peaceful florist but they still send me spies
They read me like a book, treat me like a prize
Never even want to meet me know I have a gun at my thigh
And everyday I arrange white lilies, specifically for their demise

I close the book, put it inside the dusty box, seal and hide it under my old bed. Hoping my
psychologist—paid by my family—will find this book when I go to Spain because I have been
living without the s. I put on shades because it is getting scorching hot here before putting the
bouquet of white lilies on the table, special delivery for my family. It symbolizes innocence,
majesty, and purity, in which, ironically it is revolving around myself, family and life. With a strawberry
sundae in my left hand, and book in my right, I am hoping we can slowly be better and see that
even though our family influences our trauma, mindset, phobia, and anxiety, we can take the step
outside of them slowly. Alas, a happy ending is not really the end of our narrative story. It is just
our mind that chooses what we want to believe in the end.

# data[].attributes.body
Everything went smoothly for Maysa’s life after she found her best friend, Ayla. They met for the first time when Maysa going to the beach to commit suicide. On that day, Ayla

saved Maysa’s life. Maysa is trying to drown herself in the water because she can no longer bear the anguish of losing her family. Her life was terrible after her parents were killed in hit-and-run accidents. She lived alone in her apartment until she met Ayla, with whom she became housemates and criminal partners. Ayla not only assists Maysa in reclaiming her identity, but she also promises to track down the person who murdered Maysa's parents. Since there is no CCTV in the area where the accidents occur, police are unable to locate any proof, and the matter is dismissed without further inquiry.

Maysa, who worked as a manager for Alaf Holding, a large corporation. Throughout the day, she executes her job well, but at night, she and Ayla work hard to piece together the

incidents. They visit the location on a regular basis, including on weekends, to question neighbours. After approximately a month, they discovered that there is CCTV nearby that  shows the car with the shattered side. Maysa feels very suspicious about the car and she tries to recall if she ever sees the car somewhere else, fortunately Ayla who is an expert in IT, so they are able to track it down. She felt very familiar after Ayla mentioned the name of the owner of that car. The owner is a guy and he has already left the country a few months ago while Maysa is in depression. Ayla confronts Maysa for not doing something that was unexpected against the law. However, Maysa believes that her parents deserve justice so that they can rest in peace.

In the works room, Maysa plans to take some revenge even without Ayla. After a few minutes, suddenly Ayla enters the room and is willing to help Maysa. Their plan is to catch

that guy and force him to admit his mistake on that exact day. Maysa has already taken a week off from work to ensure that their plan goes smoothly. She had already purchased their plane tickets to China in order to apprehend the criminal. Ayla is excited because she has never travelled to another country before, whereas Maysa has no desire to go on vacation other than to exact revenge. After a 21-hour flight, they arrived in China and stayed at the Four Seasons Hotel, which is nearby to where the guy lived.

After a day, Maysa and Ayla went to the guy's house and discovered that he was not there, so they decided to break into his house. From outside the house, Ayla is in charge and has hijacked the system of the house. The man arrived at his house after an hour of waiting, but he was unaware that there was another person inside. Maysa hid behind the sofa and used her defence skills to knock out that guy. She called Ayla to the house, and the two of them tied the guy to the chair with ropes. The man eventually recovered consciousness after collapsing for a few minutes and fought to be released. Maysa informs that guy that the only reason she did that to him was to exact revenge on her parents. Since the guy felt so guilty about the loss of Maysa's parents, he explained to her that he was not the one who killed them. He claims that someone else is to blame for the accident that occurred while using his car on that day. Maysa was taken aback when the man uttered her colleague's name, Maira, because she had not expected the criminal she was chasing to be so close to her all along. Maysa tries to deal with that guy named Eddy, and she discovers that Eddy and Maira had a relationship, but it ends when Eddy discovers Maira's true colours. Eddy is willing to assist Maysa in compelling Maira to confess to her crime and get the punishment she deserves.

On the other day, they flew back to Malaysia, and when they arrived, they headed straight to Maira's house. Before returning to Malaysia, Ayla and Maysa are arguing because Ayla wants to stay in China longer while they need to return to Malaysia. Maysa knew Ayla wouldn't be mad to her for a long time, but they hadn't spoken since then, so she planned to convince her after everything was over. There is no one at Maira's house when they arrive. Maysa got out of the car to double-check that no one was around. Suddenly, Maira appeared from behind while holding a knife in her hand. She attempted to stab Maysa, but was stopped by Ayla. While Eddy tried to keep Maira from making matters worse, she laughed hysterically like a psycho. After Maira's neighbours called the emergency number, police came on the scene a few minutes later. Maysa hugged Ayla's weak body and wiped away her tears. She expressed her regret and pleaded with Ayla not to leave her. While Ayla is trying to tell something, she says that her task is done and she asks Maysa to live well without her before she closes her eyes forever. Maysa collapsed beside Ayla after crying so

hard. They were taken to hospital nearby by ambulance.

In the hospital, Maysa finally regained consciousness after a moment, she saw Eddy was beside her. She asks about Ayla's whereabouts, but Eddy only gives her a puzzled look.

Maysa tried to get out of bed, but suddenly she felt pain in her abdomen like she had been stabbed. She felt very confused by what happened because as far as she knows, Ayla was stabbed and not her. She asked Eddy to tell her about the entire story. Eventually, she realises that all this time, Ayla has never existed. It was just her imagination that resulted from the pain she experienced as a result of losing the person she loved. In other words, Ayla is another personality of her own. She also understands that Ayla is her passion to survive. As a result, whenever she is on the verge of death, Ayla will save her. Ultimately, she realises that she must keep her promise to Ayla before she goes, which is Ayla truly wishes for her to live a long and happy life. That is how she finally realised that everyone is their own hero.