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Hi, Tommy! First off, your on demand story was amazing! I loved how you used the bird's body language. For example, when you said “Their body language and expression doesn't show that they don't want to spend the time getting to know the bigger bird. Indeed, this means as it shows the deep theme, the message, that karma will take upon a person's actions. The small bird flock falters to carry this message by aggressively pecking the big bird off the power line.” This helped me understand his body language. In addition, you use extremely strong word choice through your on demand paragraph. It was great when you said “examined,” “essentially” and etc. A suggestion that I can offer for improvement is to vary the word “message” this is used quite often throughout your paragraph. However, other than that great job!

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Hi Tommy. First off, I liked how you used a couple transition words and i specifically like the transition word “undoubtedly” and “essentially” it really made everything sound really good and it made me want to read it more. In addition I liked how you didn’t repeat too many words. It made it sound better because if you kept repeating the same words over and over again it would not sound great. But I do feel like you should’ve read over it one more time because there were a couple of things in there that didn’t make sense. You also had a couple misspelled words.

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Hi, Tommy! First off your claim is very well written and expresses a very powerful lesson to start off your essay. I think your vocabulary in your claim is also very helpful for making your claim more powerful. A certain example is words like conveys and certainly. Another star is your evidence number 1. Your evidence number one had a lot of good word choice and was really easy to understand. Using words like “falters” really helps your evidence sound more professional. However, it would help if you have less personal pronouns throughout your piece. While I was reading it I saw a few personal pronouns. Overall great job.

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Hey, Tommy! A strength of your theme analysis paragraph, “Lifted” is the way you explained how the alien is feeling and what the feelings makes him do.To conclude, I really liked how you explained how he feels after his emotions go away and how he can focus without any stress or worry’s anymore.However, a suggestion that I can offer for improvement is to change the bolder part of your evidence.

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Hi, Tommy! A strength of your theme analysis paragraph , “Abducted” is your sum up. For instance, when you say “the message that stands out that Lifted is an individual has to fail to succeed.” I believe that it shows every part of you story “Abducted” in all the right way. It was really great how you could sum your hole story up in that one sentence because for most they couldn’t. In addition, I like your word choice that you choose for example when you said “His excited expressions show that he is proud of himself..” .. I  really liked how you worded this and that you really thought about writing this because another person could make this look made. For instance they could just say” The alien was extended for the fact he did something.” However, A suggestion that I can offer for improvement is perhaps to add in better word choice. I say this because most of your words are bland and not popping out. I feel if you add this it will look like you know what you're doing and it will pop out and be different then people of are writing the same peace.

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Hi tommy! A strength I found in your paragraph was the strong details and it was very clear to me what was happening while it was strong sentences and it seemed like it took a lot of thought and effort. Another strength is the transition words. They were very important in the parts you put it and made the sentence much different. One thing I would like is the length, it seemed a little short. Overall this was a really good piece.

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Hi, Tommy one strength of your paragraph was your hook. I really loved how you got your theme across but also got to the point. This helped me understand what your paragraph was about without even reading your evidence yet. Another strength of your paragraph was your strong word choice. I loved how your word choice helped me better imagine what is happening. This would help the reader understand your paragraph better. On wish is that you expanded your explanation a bit more. This is because your evidence was really good but you forgot to explain all of it. Otherwise your paragraph was amazing great job Tommy!!

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Hi, Tommy! One strength of your essay was your word choice. There were many times where you added very powerful word choice. One example of your powerful word choice is when you said, “He endures failure time and time again.” Another strength of your essay is your explanations. Your explanations really help me understand everything you put in your evidence and make it a lot stronger. An example for your powerful explanation is when you showed how the alien was feeling throughout the entire Pixar Short. However, one wish I have is for you to write a little more before your explanation. I feel like in your explanation you didn’t have enough words before you actual evidence in quotes. Fixing this would make your evidence stronger. Overall you did very good!

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When I read your pice I liked it a lot. I love how you describe the character in the beginning. I liked how you describe like the kids POV. It helps the reader understand more on what they are going through. I thing that I wish for was a conclusion paragraph I would love to read more about your peice

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Hi Tommy! One strength of your timed essay was your explanation. Your explanation. Your explanation of your CEES paragraph was very strong for doing it in a short amount of time. Another strength of your essay was your introduction. Your introduction was very strong and had some unique word choice. Your intro was very strong but specifically your hook stood out to me. However a conclusion would have made your essay a little stronger. Besides that you did a very great job.

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TOMMY! Hi. A strength of your essay was the command of your story. Your whole essay was very strong, especially in your second evidence. Your evidence gave so much information in 2 sentences. In addition, I liked your flow, Especially in your evidence in your second CEES it flowed perfectly into your explanation. It didn’t seem like the story was chopped up it felt smooth.  However, a suggestion I have is you should try to spend more time editing and revising. You have numerous grammar mistakes and numerous spelling mistakes

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Hi tommy! In your essay “School or Bed” one thing that I thought was good was the sensory details that you used. There were parts where you were very specific and in the moments where the reader needed. Another thing that I liked about your essay was word choice. There were many times where you used strong words to hook the reader's attention. One thing that I would change in your essay would be the length of the piece. There was good word choices but I would increase the words and write a little more.

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Hey Tommy, A strength in your essay “SCHOOL OR BED” is the way you explained parts throughout your essay and all the work you put into researching and writing it. I like how in your explanation you explained everything that could happen because of kids having to wake up so early in the morning as you could wake up late and be late to school. You could also be tired in classes and miss something the teacher said or you could just fall asleep during class and miss everything the teacher says. In doing so, you truly support each of your explanations in your body paragraphs. Another one that I liked as well is that you followed all instructions and made everything as perfect as you possibly could. So far as I read I’ve only seen one or two errors but besides everything as you did it perfectly. I did love your story but I believe you could have developed some scenes with more detail and descriptive language so the people reading it could have a clearer picture in their head of what you were talking about as they read through your essay. For instance instead of saying “ All they could hear is an Alarm screaming at them making them get up from their bed.” you could have said “ the screaming of their alarm clock forces their body to get up out of bed.”

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Hi Thomas! The strength of your essay “School or Bed” is it is very detailed. You provided specific examples and made it easy to follow with your strong and hooking details. Every paragraph was filled with details and evidence. In addition you also made your essay very convincing and made me agree with everything you said. Your word choice and vocabulary made it very easy to follow and agree with all of your claims. However a suggestion I have is to add on to your anecdotes. I feel like better stories could be told with more elaborate anecdotes. I think the anecdotes just need a little more work which would make your entire essay stronger. Overall, you made a great persuasive essay!

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I really really love all of the transition words you used. They truly give the persuasive paragraph some text and some detail. Another thing I like is about how elaborative you were in the entire paragraph, Good work. I do not really have a wish for you.

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Hi Tommy I love you! A strength in your narrative is that you had many inner thoughts. Also the inner thoughts never felt repetitive or boring. In addition you elaborated instead of just copying the story. You felt like you really had this Piece not just the original story. Tommy I love you however your punctuation was not perfect you forgot spaces I’s were lowercase Tommy I love you but I question if you reread 4 times.

P.S I still love you Tommy.

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Hey tommy I think a really good strength of your narrative “ Tamer Troubles “ is how you explained how dedicated the man character was to train his dog and I like how you added the stuff he would do to make sure trained his dog right and that the dog could understand what to do and I like how you said that he watched Youtube for hours until he had a plan for his dogs training I like that detail you added in there.In addition, I like how you developed the character and all things he would do to make sure his dog got good training and that he would do anything to make sure of it. For starters he did chores around the house to get an allowance and he also asked if he could get his allowance doable but still they said no he still tried to figure out a way to do it and didn’t give up. However when I was reading your story there was one thing I wish you could have done is maybe explain it a little better  I mean I like the story and all but there is a few parts that I wish you could have explained it better and added a little more detail into things like when you said ”Howie  fetch me some water I’m thirsty”. “Ugh''  Kevin rolled over his bed  like a bear hibernating and fell off the bed. “ I have to say I was a little confused because you went from saying how hot it was and then Kevin rolling out of his bed. So just maybe in the future try to make more spots a little more detailed and to explain parts a little better.

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It  good. I liked the inner thoughts. My favorite inner thoughts were what could i do to make howie let me do the lessons. That was good.  I also liked the title. It was amazing.  How ever some of the dialogue could have been better but other than that it was good.  

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It  good. I liked the inner thoughts. My favorite inner thoughts were what could i do to make howie let me do the lessons. That was good.  I also liked the title. It was amazing.  How ever some of the dialogue could have been better but other than that it was good.  

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a strength in your narrative “tamer trouble” it really showed the 3rd person pov and didn’t make it seem like it was a first person or second person pov. In addition I saw how you put a lot of dialogue in your writing narrative with speaker tags and commas and periods. It made the narrative make a lot of sense. However in your narrative I would add a little more writing to the narrative and put a few more paragraphs in the narrative, overall I really enjoyed your story.

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I love the story so far, I really like how you used all of the figurative language and all of the strong thinking of the wordsI The thinking words and the italicized words were really good for the story to make more sense as well. I loved all of the dialogue you put into your piece. It gave a nice shape to the story and to the audience. The dialogue also really helped out a lot too see what was happening. The speaker tags really helped out to see who was talking at what time. I really liked the dialogue and speaker tags overal it helps me know who is talking and what the characters in the story are saying. Although there is one thing I would wish for you to add. It would be nice if you were to maybe expand and elaborate on the story a little bit and to tell us more about what exactly is happening in the ending. Overal, I loved the narrative.

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Hi Tommy! I liked all the figurative language you included in your piece. The figurative language really helped make the piece stronger and easier to connect to. Another thing you did good with was giving your characters good traits. By the end of your story I felt connected to your characters and it really helped me stay hooked. However, you could have made the plot a little easier to understand. Since the story was quick it was harder to find the strong plot of your story. Overall, I really enjoyed your narrative.

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I really liked how you used figurative language and comparisons to make the reader picture the story. Another thing I liked was when you showed the reader that the boy was obviously excited about training Cromwell. One thing I would like you to change is the grammar.

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Hi,Tommy! I really liked your story. One of your strengths was the way you plotted your story. I really thought about the events and how it turned out. I liked how you turned your story to be longer and it will last a long time. I like that way you used the inner thoughts like when Kevin said “train him myself”Thought Kevin.I like how you repeated Howies words to use in your inner thoughts to make the plot of the story even better.Something else I really liked about your story was your figurative language I thought that that was on of the best parts of your story.However, I thought it was a bit long and I wished that you would have shown the training process. Otherwise I really liked your story overall.

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In your memoir, “a gift ” the way in which you started to talk about your memory that you experienced in your past was very scary. I can't imagine the fear you felt when you heard aloud sound and then seeing the bear right in front of you. I also really like in your memoir about how you talked and explained in good detail about how you felt in that memory of yours and all the emotions you felt at that moment in time and all the other details you gave to little things like when you said “ The sky was a lump of black coal. I could see in the corner of my eye a light like a flashlight shining in my eye.” I really loved the detail you put onto that one little moment. I like everything else you did in your story however I would have liked it better if you explained where you were and how you got to the point you are at now.

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I love the figurative language and the idea you have for your memoir! I get the point. You did a very good job also with the details. But some letters are capitalized that probably should get fixed! But I like the idea you had for your memoir :)
Great work!

Michael

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I really liked how you added different comparisons to make the story better, like when you said “avoiding poison ivy like avoiding lasers in a James Bond movie”. Another thing I liked was the lesson at the end of the story. It was very true, and very heartwarming. The only thing I would like you to improve is the grammar. I just don’t like seeing incorrect grammar.

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In your memoir I liked how you used as much figurative language as possible in the story and made the moment very enjoyable with how you wrote it. Another thing I liked was that you showed a lot of action and made the scene super important to me in your life. One thing i would change in the story would probably be your dialogue there were some parts where there should have been dialogue like punctuation.

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A strength of your memoir “A Gift” was how you incorporate lots of figurative language like for example, When you said I saw my best friend Ryan avoiding poison Ivy like they were lasers in a James Bond movie. This helps me as the reader see what is really happening. In addition, I really felt like your ending really wrapped it up the way it was supposed to. For example, I liked  how you said You should always listen to your mom because you only get one life. After you said that It really made me think.  However, a suggestion that I can offer for Improvements is to give a reader more of a picture of what the softball field looked like . However other than that your memoir looked really good.

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You did a amazing job in describing the setting and where your are. And the creatures. And making amazing connections.
Also I like how that your story makes me feel like I’m in it. Like I am in your story. One thing I would suggest on is using strong vocabulary the story would have a little it more description to it .

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I think that you did a very good job with showing your thoughts and how descriptive you were with them. They were very good because I could tell exactly what you were thinking.

You also did a good job with figurative language. There was figurative all over and the figurative language was very good. Your figurative language was especially good because it helped me understand your thoughts better.

I think that you could have done a better job with capitalization because there were a lot of letters that should have been capitalized but weren’t.