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Doing radical revision

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I realized that my story lacks personal growth and emotional truths. While some of my word choices and sensory details were good, they could be a bit better. Some of my sentences could be revised to be more concise and flow better. As I go back and edit, I will make sure to change the story in order to clearly articulate truths, make sure personal truths and growths are present, and create a personal connection, all while keeping the story within my 500 word limit.

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I will need to condense some sentences and cut out unnecessary details to get closer to the word count. I also am shifting the voice from a third person perspective to a first person perspective and including personal experience. This is in order to add more personal development and character to the story.

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I messed up spacing and indentation on my rough draft. I plan to fix that.

I struggled to add enough detail, and my vocabulary wasn't up to standard.

My goals are to fix my indentation and spacing, add more emotion through my details and word choice, use different sentence structures, and strengthen my vocabulary

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The feedback that was given to me was that I was lacking any " So What?" moment. Also, I can make my story more personal and less made up. And I can have more emotion. Overall I will add more personal details to the story and have an overall theme.

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Them two main things I was told was that it was slightly repetitive and my sentences tend to go on with a little too much description. I'll focus on primarily cutting down description in sentences overall, but especially on descriptions that don't work with the parallelism. I'll also cut down on "I wonder"'s and make it less confusing.

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I definitely need to cut out a lot of my story especially to fit the word count. After I cut out I need to add more personal growth throughout the story. I need to cut out more of the rules and add more personal growth and why this game means so much to me. I could also add more sensory details and how the game changed me.

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My feedback-

work on transitions- I will add a topic sentence to my paragraph that connects the previous paragraph's concept to the general idea of the next paragraph to make it flow and fit together.

variety of vocab words / description of settings- I was told that I could add more sensory details to add to my vulnerability and connect the story to my personal development

Most of my comments regarded writing craft and vocabulary. Although I need to condense my writing, the content will stay the same.

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I was given very positive feedback in my comments. One thing they touched on was adding more about the game itself rather than derailing. I plan on going back through and working on some grammatical errors as well as finding ways to shorten it.

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While I successfully "showed, not told" and had plenty of sensory details, I was lacking any sort of personal connection and vulnerability. I need to rephrase the way I approached the game and make it so it is about my experience through the game, rather than the game itself. My essay lacked any core values or personal experiences, so I need to incorporate those and possibly draw on some past memories.

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I was given feedback stating that I need to shorten my paper and incorporate different sentence types, and possibly combine some sections. I have a lot of the same kinds of sentences, so I need to add variety.

I need more diverse vocabulary words.

I need to add more emotional depth and core values to the story. I need to do more describing and not so much just telling a story.

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summary of feedback:

My original paper contained many typographical errors as well as a lot of just inconsistencies in perspective, and weirdly organized paragraphs.

change:

for my revision I want to focus in on refining my spelling and sentence structures, as well as drastically re-ordering my whole paper so that hopefully the flow becomes more natural and less forced and oddly ordered. I want to focus on letting the story tell itself, rather than trying to be needlessly wordy.

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The feedback I was given was that I didn't have much personal connection, growth, and vulnerably/emotions. What I am going to work on for the final draft is adding more personality to the essay, and emphasizing my core values. While also improving the flow and vocabulary.

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After receiving my feedback, I am going to include a greater variety of sentences. I need to add more sensory details and improve my word choice with better adjectives and stronger verbs and nouns. I also need to talk more about the game and explain it better. I need to continue showing and not explaining. I also need to look at it and improve grammar.

To improve my writing I am going to go through and change out words. I am going to add more about the game that shows and take out the explaining. I am also go to change sentence structure.

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First I need to cut down the word count about 90 words, which will require intentional word choices and connections.

I did cover the personal growth, but I'm not sure I told a good story, I want to bring the reader in more as well. (show rather than tell) as far as organization I think i'm about covered except for paragraphs, I need clear divisions and connections throughout. Also Of course grammar etc... will be a big part of the revision.

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The feedback I received was that I should break up the sentences and make them flow, to do more showing than telling, add more personal growth, emotions, and creative words. To fix this I'm going to go back through and break up some of the sentences, as well as add some transition words so that the essay flows better. Also, I'm going to add some more personal elements, and connect it to my life more.

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I was given feedback regarding my lack of personal vulnerability, which I will include throughout my essay by using more personal details, and maybe sharing a story along the way. Another thing that I was encouraged to do it change my word choice, and add words that will grab the audience's attention.

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I was given feedback that I struggled a little bit with similar sentences. So I need to change my sentence structure a little bit in order to make it flow and flare more. I had a few run-ons, but I believe that will be an easy fix by adding a period or semi colon. My transitions were a bit choppy so I will have to provide additional details so that it will flow better overall.

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I was told that a few sentence transitions didn't flow great and I had a lot of choppy fragments at the beginning that could add to the effect but there were just so many. I was told my connection to life was good. Apparently after a semicolon you are supposed to have lowercase so I will go back through and fix that. So overall I will just fix my sentence flow and combine some at the beginning probably if I can find a way to do it but still have an impact.

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1. Add a variety of sentence structures, add vulnerability, and remove unneeded or misplaced vocabulary.

2. I will go back through my essay and revise some of the sentence structures- and add more variety where necessary. Additionally, I will attempt to add more direct relation and vulnerability.

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I was given the feedback that I was lacking in enough personal connection and sensory details. In addition, I had several places where my sentences didn't flow well and I need to change those sentences to an appropriate syntax. I will also add to my introduction and conclusion seeking to provide additional sensory details and to further my personal story within the writing.

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Put your name at the top of a pad.

Summarize the feedback you received.

Address the feedback specifically, and identify your plan for making changes.

All drafts must undergo revision - you are held accountable for this.