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Hi Avery! I really loved the whole theme of your story, with the movie theme to it. I really enjoyed reading your story and comparing it with real movies. For example “ I could see now, and it was weird. It looked like I was in a movie, with massive castles and magic wands. “ This really showed the setting that Meg was in and it connected with the theme of the story. Also I really enjoyed your figurative language, it really helped the story. For example “ My vision was fogged over, and all I could hear was faint chatter around me. Footsteps came and left, and I laid there almost lifeless.” This really helped me understand your story. However, I think you could have put more detail for Alice’s house because I could not pictrue the house in my head. But I loved your story and all the creativity.

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Green-twigs Avery. Your essay is incredible, really! I loved reading it. It was so great :)! A strength I found while reading is your wording choice. Specifically when you said, “if this issue were to get resolved, hundreds of thousands of children would be freed.” I extremely enjoyed this wording, because it really exaggerated the point and was very convincing. It makes it seem like uniforms put children in the darkest parts of the minds, and without the uniforms, they would be free. As well as that, I enjoyed your transition word choice. Each transition word seemed to fit perfectly with the paragraph attached to it. You really have an eye for that! Yet, a suggestion that crosses my mind is to explain the anecdote from your second warrant a bit better. I just don’t understand it, or the point you're trying to get across. It seems like you're stating facts, but at the same time going into the girls perspective. Anywaaaaay great essssssayy byeeEEEEeeee AVeRyyyy.

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Your essay is very well-crafted! One part of this is simply the reasons you chose. They are very powerful, and, even though I don’t know what other reasons your sources offered, I can tell these are some of the best. Another thing that makes your essay excellent is your attention to detail and figurative language in all your anecdotes. It really lets the reader feel the pain of those children. However, my wish is very simple. I noticed a couple places in your first body paragraph there was a much bigger gap than needed. In your transition, “to further elaborate,”, and in the evidence between “uniform” and “says Sam”. Just something I noticed, it does make it a bit awkward to look at. P.S. I think that’s a great title! - Ruth L. S.

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Hi Avery! I loved how much persuasive wording you put in your piece. It made me picture what you were trying to state across. I Loved your Laporte thinking. For example”  She stared down at her uniform. Blue and white, with beautiful stitching and a perfectly tucked collar. Just the right size. “ I really loved this part that you put in your intro. Also I loved your elaborate and detailed short stories. It really made a picture pop up in my head of what you were stating. For example “ As she struggles to slide on the itchy, tight uniform she wonders why she can’t wear the clothes that she has gotten and grown to love, and feels confident while walking through the halls. She hates it, and as she steps to the mirror slowly she frowns.” I loved that you were explaining how bad the uniforms were. However, in your first two reasons you restated the claim and I think you could of use synonyms for the words.

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Hi Avery(aka fashion god)! A strength in your essay was that you school out of uniform was the way that you move from one  paragraph to the next using transitional beautiful phrases. You make the essay  flow seamlessly as you add these connecting phrases that help the reader understand how your points are similar and back one another. In addition, the way you add the beautiful figurative language within your anecdotes. Each anecdote is filled with loads of figurative language that make the anecdote so real. I especially enjoyed where you wrote “ Dusty shadows laid under her closed eyelids ``.However I wish you could delete the unnecessary spaces because they are unnecessary and you have some words that are randomly capitalized. This would just make your essay neater and nicer. Either way your essay was great!(I only wrote this because your essay was so good that I did not have a wish;))

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . I don’t even have a wish. That is so powerful, so beautiful, so emotional! I felt like I was in the moment. I felt like I was you, breaking down as your parents announced they were getting a divorce. Even though I have never experienced anything like it, I could clearly see what you were going through. And the emotion. So powerful! I can’t even describe it, but the emotion displayed is amazing. The last thing, though I could list more, you kept me engaged throughout the entire piece. I wanted to know more, more, more! It hooked me in from the start, commanded me to keep reading. Amazing.

I’m really sorry you needed to go through that.

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I really , really liked your story. I feel really bad for you. But the details were really good. I  love everything the figurative  language , details all of it. But.. i think you should of added a more  of detailed image about the house

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Your memoir is very well written Avery! I think telling the reader that you have been dreading your parents divorce for years was an excellent thing to add in. It gives a strong backstory to your piece and tells what contributed to the depression.

You seemed to really show your mood before your dad told you, and I enjoyed that because it seemed like you knew something were to happen, and you were already in not the best mood when it did.

Yet what I think you could do to improve your memoir would be to add more to the ending, tell more of what you learned and how you learned it. I would really like to see a bit more of how you understood what happened, if you know what I mean.

See ya bestay bye bye bye bye

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An element of your about me I enjoyed is the slight humor you sprinkled around, such as where you said “trying to bake cookies without hurting anyone” and the part about how sleeping is superior. I also like your strong word choice. It definitely kept me interested as I read your piece. A suggestion for you is fixing the few spelling and grammatical errors, such as the lowercase “i” when you are talking about yourself. Otherwise, your writing is fantastic!

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I enjoy how you put out in the last sentence, to get comfrterble but not actually say comfiterbull. Your description in that line is really chill, and I think it will make the readers know that they are in a comfortable place. It makes me excited to read your stories. I think they will be full of descriptions and comforting lines. I also enjoy your creativity in the backgrounds. It makes me feel very welcome, and also gives me a good laugh. It makes me happy to see you having fun with it! I really love the personalization in the backgrounds, because it shows me that you are a funny but also calm person! I have a suggestion though, and that is to change the “Like, Really Hate” to maybe, strongly dislike or do not enjoy. Maybe give a reason why you hate it!