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ALOK: The Urgent Need for Compassion (23:24-29:27)

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ALOK: The Urgent Need for Compassion (23:24-29:27)

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ALOK: The Urgent Need for Compassion | The Man Enough Podcast

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Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development Psychologist Erik Erikson maintained that the human personality develops in a predetermined order through eight stages of psychosocial development, from infancy to adulthood. During each stage in your lifespan, it is possible to have a psychosocial crisis that could have a negative outcome for your personality development.

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"Why do some children become sad, withdrawn, insecure, or angry, whereas others become happy, curious, affectionate, and self-confident?" This question was asked by developmental psychologist Edward Tronick in a paper called " Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants." It's an important question, and the answer lies in large part with the quality of emotional communication between parent and child. We don't get this important education in emotions in our formal schooling, yet we really need it to do right by our children.
Emotional communication starts at birth
As soon as an infant is born, emotional communication begins with the mother (or mother-figure). Historically, because infants can't speak, they were thought of as not having emotions and not being sensitive to their surroundings. Luckily, we now know that the opposite is true. Like the interconnecting roots of adjacent trees, adults and infants are inextricably connected to one another and in constant communication with each other through their emotions.

How a parent responds to their baby from moment to moment determines what emotions that baby will experience and have to cope with. Moreover, the way these interactions play out greatly influences how an infant will behave toward others as they grow into childhood and adulthood.

Most of this communication is actually non-verbal. Even as adults, humans communicate primarily without words. The tone of voice, facial expressions, eye gaze, and body posture are evaluated on the deepest levels of our brain. The words matter less.
Being gentle is important
No matter what age we are, when non-verbal and verbal communication is positive and respectful, the human body responds with calm and wellbeing. In that state, we are able to connect positively with others. However, when communication is harsh, tense, hurtful, threatening, dismissive, and/or humiliating, it creates tension. The nervous system jolts into fight/flight/freeze states of alertness, while the mind works to defend itself from emotional distress. In this kind of state, we retreat inward and the ability to connect with others becomes compromised.

While children of all ages are like sponges soaking up the environment with their five senses, an infant's nervous system is most sensitive. The environment (which at first is synonymous with the mother, then expands to include others as the baby grows) invisibly "pushes and pulls" on an infant's raw and vulnerable nervous system. The brain-mind-body emotionally responds with two basic messages: you are safe or you are in danger. Everything the infant sees, hears, feels, tastes, and touches will affect the baby-especially when emotions are triggered.
Get educated in emotions
This requires parents to be quite self-aware and to monitor their emotions and reactions in the best interest of their infant's development. To work on one's emotional responses is to care about creating an adult with the best possible emotional health. This takes time and is not easy to do, especially in busy families and hectic lives.

In short, it's vitally important for parents to do two things:

1. Maintain an attuned and accepting emotional connection with their child-regardless of the child's behavior. Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another's emotional needs and moods. A person who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on another person's emotional state

2. When ruptures in the connection do occur, which they will, it's equally important that a parent works to repair the rupture and restore an emotional connection that feels safe and soothing to the child. We do this by being empathic, warm, loving, accepting, curious, and playful.

This sounds difficult-and in practice, it's even harder, because even as infants, children affect their parents' own emotions and behavior right back.

Example: Tronick, to illustrate the importance of emotional attunement, asked us to imagine two infant-mother pairs playing the game of peek-a-boo.

In the first scenario, the infant abruptly turns away from his mother as the game became too stimulating for him. He sucks his thumb and stares into space with a dull facial expression. The mother stops playing and sits back watching her infant. After a few seconds, the infant turns back to her with an interested and inviting expression. The mother moves closer, smiles, and says in a high-pitched exaggerated voice, "Oh, now you're back!" They smile and coo in response to each other. Once again, the infant reinserts his thumb and looks away. The mother waits again. After a few seconds, the infant turns back to her, and they greet each other with big smiles.

In the second situation, the infant turns away, but the mother doesn't wait long enough for the infant to come back on his own. She leans over into the infant's line of vision while clicking her tongue to attract his attention. The infant, however, ignores the mother and continues to look away (he is trying to calm himself by breaking eye contact). Not picking up on his need, the mother persists and moves her head closer to the infant. The infant frowns, fusses, and pushes at the mother's face. Within seconds he turns even further away from his mother and continues to suck on his thumb.

Without focusing on who is responsible for any "mistakes" in the above interactions, let's notice how the emotions and behaviors of one lead to the emotions and behaviors of the other.

In both scenarios, the infant's turning away and sucking his thumb is a message to the mother that the infant needs to calm down his nervous system. Even as babies, we instinctually know when we need to lower the "stimulation" coming from our environment. A mother is inherently stimulating-just because she is another person.

Each mother respects this communication from her infant by waiting-at first. But the first mother greets her infant with smiles, waits patiently, and consistently lets her infant determine when he's ready to reconnect. The relaxed patience of the first mother conveys safety to the infant. He is free to come and go from the connection as he needs.
Can you imagine how calming that feels? This freedom brings forth a deep sense of well-being in a child, who learns he can trust others to respect his needs.
The second mother, on the other hand, failed to pick up the cue that her infant was not ready to connect again. She likely felt angry, anxious, sad, longing, or had another emotion that interfered with her infant's need for distance in that moment. This misattuned reaction of the mother leads to a rupture or break in their connection. The mother's "intrusion" made it harder for the baby's nervous system to calm down, prolonging the infant's disconnection from his mother.

Problems arise when interactions leading to ruptures are the norm. The infant grows into a child who expects to be infringed upon and/or emotionally abandoned and develops protective defenses to cope. Tronick found that infants who chronically experienced misattunements disengaged more from their mothers and the rest of their environment and distorted their interactions with other people.

The kicker is this: misattunement happens to all parents. Being perfectly attuned just isn't possible-nor would it be a good thing, anyway. What builds emotional security is a parent's determination to repair ruptures soon after they have occurred. In general, the more emotional stress caused by unrepaired ruptures in connection, the more anxiety, depression, and low confidence the adult that infant grows into will suffer.

Parents can "repair" ruptures by being mindful of how emotions organize their infant's and their own behavior. Basic education for parents in emotions and childhood trauma provide tools so a parent can proactively strive for positive connections as they tolerate their own feelings of rejection, disappointment, anger, sadness, and longing.

When we ignore an infant's emotional cues because we don't understand them or we can't tolerate our own responses, we are forcing them to cope alone. But when we respond to those cues appropriately, an infant's authentic self can emerge and thrive.

Want to have an experience that illustrates how all of this affects us in adult relationships?

Imagine having an argument with a partner or a family member. Then, imagine the fallout after that conflict. Let's say your partner or family member asks for space, or perhaps they just "feel distant." What emotions or physical sensations does that scenario bring up for you? Are you confident they will "come back?" Do you get anxious/panicky? Do you get angry? Does your heartbeat speed up? Do you get a knot in your stomach? Do you not notice that they have "gone away"-that there even was a rupture? Do you feel moved to repair it or dig into a grudge? Just notice and validate the emotions without judgment.

Many adults, like the second mother, might have a hard time tolerating space in a relationship. But throughout our lives, such space is necessary to calm down and recharge our nervous system, so that we can be genuinely connected when we "come back."

Now try this again in reverse. Imagine you need space, and you can sense that your partner or friend can't tolerate it. What emotions does it bring up for you? Do you feel guilty? Angry? Sad? Fearful? All of the above? Or, can you stay grounded in your most confident self and take the space you need? Again, just notice and validate the emotions without judgment.

Well done! A+ just for trying.

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"Why do some children become sad, withdrawn, insecure, or angry, whereas others become happy, curious, affectionate, and self-confident?" This question was asked by developmental psychologist Edward Tronick in a paper called " Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants." It's an important question, and the answer lies in large part with the quality of emotional communication between parent and child.

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We as members of GLSEN's National Student Council know that going back to school can be difficult;
especially if you are LGBTQ+. These tips go out to the kids who worry about more than homework during
break and first day back outfits. You deserve a school where you feel safe and respected; and hope that
these tips will make your school experience a little less complicated.

You'll meet new people even if you are returning to the same school. By providing an opportunity for teachers and students to share their pronouns, you demonstrate that you're not assuming anything about their identity or experience. It's important to remember that the way you perceive someone does not dictate how they identify, what their pronouns are, or generally how they like to be referred to. It also opens up the opportunity for you to share yours as well! Example 1: "Hi! My name is El and I use they, them, theirs pronouns. What about you?" Example 2: "This is my friend El, they are in my Theatre class. Despite negative stigma about being "in the closet", your inability or fear of expressing yourself does not make you any less of a person who belongs in the LGBTQ+ community. Do it for yourself, and only if you are ready. If you decide to come out at school, consider your safety and the capacity of your support system. Amongst other things, you'll want to think about who has power over you, where you feel most safe, and what resources you can supplement when having to educate others. We all deserve to live openly and personal safety is the most important thing on the list. Remember that no matter what comes your way, your reaction/emotions are valid. School can throw a lot of things at you; from group projects and strict teachers to bullying or difficult breakups. It's important to find positive coping mechanisms or outlets to release these emotions. This may take the form of listening to music, speaking to a therapist/trusted adult, or finding time in your schedule to do something you enjoy; like drawing or watching an episode of your favorite TV show. You can also follow us on Instagram and check out our cool affirmations and photos! It can be difficult, but locating an adult that you trust can really improve your K-12 school experience. This could be anyone; a teacher, a school nurse or psychologist, a librarian, a coach, or even a janitor. Ensuring you have someone to talk to or rely on at school can be really helpful when trying to report harassment, seeking help for mental illness, or navigate other school processes. You don't have to go through anything alone! It is okay to still be figuring things out! Middle school and high school are a great time to experiment with your identity. Finding what is right for you may come in the form of changing up your self-expression, going by different pronouns, pursuing relationships with people of different genders, or finding a class/extracurricular you really enjoy. Allow yourself time and space to explore your identities, they can also change over time and that is totally OK!

6. Check Your Records If you are going back to school using a different name or pronoun, there are ways that you can prepare. You can change the information on your school records by reaching out to your school office or guidance counselor. Another option is to email your teachers before classes start and explain how you wish to be addressed throughout the school year. You can also ask them to call out only last names to give other students the opportunity to share the name they go by rather than what is automatically listed on the roster. A reminder: you must explicitly state how you wish to be referred to depending upon the audience (to avoid being outed.) 7. Serve as A Mentor If you are an LGBTQ+ student returning to your school, take the opportunity to share your knowledge with others. You could join/form your school's GSA, put up posters encouraging acceptance, or perhaps even form a kind of "lunch bunch," allowing other LGBTQ-identified students to meet others like them. Using your experience to help other LGBTQ+ folks navigate the challenges at school will not only make you feel good, but hopefully foster a culture of support. 8. Connect with Leaders It's a great idea to connect with your Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA) advisor/leaders when entering a new school year (if you haven't already.) As an LGBTQ-identified student, GSA can serve as an affirming place for you to experiment with your identity, change your expression, try out new names, or pronouns. If you don't have a GSA check out this resource on how to start one and how to find new members. 9. Binding and Tucking in School (for trans and non binary folks if applicable) This tip is especially significant for those of you who take gym class, choir, or play a wind instrument. If you're someone who chooses to bind, ensure that you have a sports bra or looser fitting piece of clothing in case you need to change. If you are someone who tucks, you can plan ahead and bring a change of clothes like tights or tighter but not restricting undergarments. Remember: only bind or tuck with articles meant for that specific purpose and always follow the time guidelines provided by the supplier. 10. Use Your Resources Many school districts have health professionals such as social workers, psychologists, and nurses already on staff. It's a good idea to know how to contact them and where their offices are. For example: the nurse might have a non-gendered bathroom you can use, the social worker may be able to provide you or your family guidance on any given issue, and the psychologist could advise you on healthy coping skills. These folks are resources at your disposal so make sure you take advantage! Whatever you are going through, you don't have to face it alone. GLSEN and the National Student Council wishes students, teachers, and families all the best as they head back to school. If you are looking for more information, check out GLSEN's website! We focus on making schools more LGBTQ+ inclusive by providing resources to students and educators.

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10 Back-To-School Tips For LGBTQ Students

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We as members of GLSEN's National Student Council know that going back to school can be difficult; especially if you are LGBTQ+. These tips go out to the kids who worry about more than homework during break and first day back outfits.

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LGBTQ youth face challenges that parents feel unprepared to tackle. To help, pediatricians Renata Sanders and Errol Fields share ways to support your kid.

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For the past month, parades, marches, festivals, workshops, picnics, and parties have taken place around the world to celebrate LGBTQ Pride Month, which honors the Stonewall riots which took place in 1969 in New York City. PFLAGers...

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Family support and acceptance is critical to the health and wellbeing of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer...and PFLAG has been at the forefront of this work for over four decades. Find out more about how we have been supporting thousands of families across the country and around the world, and the ways in which we can provide that support to your family.

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Discover your primary love language and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.

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Parent Circle Padlet - General Resources

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Parent Circle Padlet - General Resources

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Discover your primary love language and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.

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2024 Guide to Being an Ally to Trans and Nonbinary Young People

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The first step to becoming an ally to transgender and nonbinary people is to learn more; thank you for taking that step with us!

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For LGBTQ History Month, let's take a quick tour of LGBTQ parenting history in the U.S. to remind us that our "modern families" really have older roots.

Custody and Adoption

We first hear of out LGBTQ parents around the time of World War II, mostly in the context of cases that denied them child custody after divorce from different-sex, cisgender spouses. Starting in the 1970s, however, a few state courts upheld custody rights for transgender, gay, and lesbian parents, though some still required that they not live with a partner or engage in "homosexual activities."

In the 1960s and 70s, as the nascent LGBTQ rights movement buoyed the community, out LGBTQ people also began starting families. Bill Jones, a gay man, in 1968 became the first single father to adopt a child in California and one of the first nationally-although, as he told NPR in 2015, he was obliquely advised by a social worker not to mention that he was gay. A decade later, New York became the first state not to reject adoption applicants solely because of "homosexuality." A gay couple in California in 1979 became the first in the country to jointly adopt a child.

It wasn't until 1997, however, that New Jersey became the first state to allow same-sex couples to adopt jointly statewide, and not until 2010 did the last state, Florida, overturn a ban on adoption by gay men and lesbians. Several other states continued to ban unmarried couples, though, effectively stopping same-sex couples from adopting until marriage equality became federal law in 2015.

In the 1970s, too, female couples and single women increasingly began to start their families together through pregnancy. In 1982, the Sperm Bank of California opened as the first fertility clinic in the country to serve this market (although many queer people had been doing home inseminations for years before).

In 1999, Matt Rice became possibly the first transgender man to give birth in the U.S., although it is hard to tell how the few people in the 19th century who gave birth but lived as men would have identified. (They are our queer parental forebears, regardless.) The same year, a British gay couple had children through surrogacy in California, where a court for the first time allowed two gay dads to be on their children's birth certificate.

In 1985, some same-sex couples first obtained what became known as "second-parent adoptions" to secure a child's legal connection to a nonbiological parent. A decade later, the Wisconsin Supreme Court was the first state high court to say a nonbiological mother may seek visitation after separation.

Strength in Community

LGBTQ parents have long come together to support each other, as well as to contribute to the broader LGBTQ rights movement. In 1956, the pioneering San Francisco lesbian organization Daughters of Bilitis held the first known discussion groups on lesbian motherhood. The first lesbian mothers' activist group, the Lesbian Mothers Union, formed in the same area 15 years later.

In 1974, several lesbian mothers and friends in Seattle formed the Lesbian Mothers National Defense Fund to help those in custody disputes. Similar groups for lesbian mothers and gay fathers formed in other cities. In 1977, lawyers Donna Hitchens and Roberta Achtenberg in San Francisco began the Lesbian Rights Project, which helped both lesbian moms and gay dads. It evolved into the National Center for Lesbian Rights, still helping LGBTQ parents and others across the spectrum today.

Also launched in the same era (1979) was the Gay Fathers Coalition, which ultimately became Family Equality Council, the national organization for LGBTQ parents. Out of this, too, came a program by and for children of LGBTQ parents, which in 1999 spun off to become COLAGE.

By March 1990, lesbian and gay parents had become visible enough for Newsweek to coin a term, reporting that "a new generation of gay parents has produced the first-ever 'gayby boom.'"

Seeing Ourselves, Teaching Others

Depictions of LGBTQ parents in media also go back over 40 years. ABC's That Certain Summer (1972), about a gay dad who comes out to his teen son, was the first television movie to depict a queer parent. Jane Severance's 1979 When Megan Went Away was the first picture book in the U.S. to show a same-sex relationship, but it was Lesléa Newman's 1989 Heather Has Two Mommies that took off in popular culture (garnering praise from LGBTQ families and opprobrium from conservatives), perhaps because Heather shows a happy, intact two-mom family. Michael Willhoite's Daddy's Roommate (1990) was the first children's book with a gay dad. The first with a clearly transgender character, Marcus Ewert's 10,000 Dresses, didn't come until 2008.

Marriage Rites and Parental Rights

In recent decades, marriage equality opponents argued that children needed both a mother and a father. Marriage equality, they claimed, would also require that "homosexuality" be taught in schools. That fear played a large part in the passage of Proposition 8, California's 2008 marriage equality ban. LGBTQ advocates flipped this around, however, through visibility, legitimate social science research, and court briefs that quoted young people raised by same-sex couples. The U.S. Supreme Court then cited children's well-being as a key argument in favor of marriage equality in its 2013 and 2015 rulings. It took another Supreme Court case, however (Pavan v. Smith), to affirm in June 2017 that marriage equality means both parents in a married, same-sex couple have the right to be on their children's birth certificates and be legally recognized as parents.

Marriage equality also allowed same-sex couples to adopt in several states that had not previously allowed unmarried couples to do so-although several states have now implemented "religious freedom" laws that allow child care agencies to discriminate against LGBTQ people and others in adoption and foster care.

Looking Back to Look Ahead

There is much more to be written about the history of LGBTQ parents, both as a movement and in terms of our contributions as individuals. (See this post for a few resources.) This goes doubly for transgender parents, about whom much less has been written, and bisexual parents, many of whom were likely misidentified as gay or lesbian earlier if they were in same-sex relationships, or overlooked if they were not. We also need more studies that look at queer parenting history through the lens of particular racial, ethnic, and religious backgrounds.

Delving further back, too, and around the world, we find many parents under the queer umbrella-from the poet Sappho in 600 BCE to writers Oscar Wilde and Vita Sackville-West, comedian Jackie "Moms" Mabley, poet Lord Byron, and jazz musician Billy Tipton. Did their queerness inform their relationships with their children? Did being a parent impact how they expressed their queer identities? And how can we write books about them for our children that celebrate both? I hope you'll ponder these questions as we reflect on our past this month-and as we look to the future.
Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian (mombian.com), a GLAAD Media Award-winning blog and resource directory for LGBTQ parents. This article was reposted with permission, and originally appeared on Mombian.

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A Very Brief History of LGBTQ Parenting - Family Equality

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For LGBTQ History Month, let's take a quick tour of LGBTQ parenting history in the U.S. to remind us that our "modern families" really have older roots. We first hear of out LGBTQ parents around the time of World War II, mostly in the context of cases that denied them child custody after divorce from different-sex, cisgender spouses.

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Sexual Orientation Archives | The Trevor Project

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Groups for Adults

National Parent Support Group

The National Parent Support Group is a live online/call-in peer group where parents can support each other and find helpful information on their journey of raising transgender, non-binary or otherwise gender-expansive children and teens. It is facilitated by Gender Spectrum, and you can join occasionally or regularly. You can participate by phone, chat or online video.
Information & Registration
Topic-based Discussion Groups for Parents and Other Adult Family Members

Our topic-based groups connect you with other parents, caregivers and adult family members who share your specific concerns around gender, children and teens. The groups are facilitated by Gender Spectrum and/or volunteer facilitators trained by our staff, and you can join occasionally or regularly. You can participate by phone, chat or online video. Some of our past topics have included: Creating Trust with Your Teen; Self Care for Parents and Caregivers; Preparing for the Holidays; Gender and Race: A Group for Parents of Color Raising Gender-Diverse Children; Grandparents Group, and many more.
The API Parents/Caregivers Support Meeting is still active, and is housed with PFLAG NYC.
Here is the link for your review of all the support meetings offered monthly: http://www.pflagnyc.org/content/online-meeting-schedule
Intake Form to register for the Zoom link
Facilitators Support Group

Our Facilitators Group is for anyone who runs a group that serves youth and/or families and who wants to learn about issues related to gender and youth. Understandings of gender are changing rapidly, and your group participants may have many challenging questions! The monthly Facilitators Group is a confidential setting where you can get sensible, up-to-date answers to all of your questions about gender. You can submit questions anonymously ahead of time, or raise your questions during the meeting. It's a great opportunity to connect with other group leaders to share ideas and experiences. The group meets on a teleconference call on the first Thursday of every month from 11:00 am to 12:00 pm PT/2:00 pm to 3:00 pm ET. You can participate by phone, chat or online video.
Information & Registration

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National Parent Support Group The National Parent Support Group is a live online/call-in peer group where parents can support each other and find helpful information on their journey of raising transgender, non-binary or otherwise gender-expansive children and teens. It is facilitated by Gender Spectrum, and you can join occasionally or regularly.

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Watch The Social Dilemma | Netflix Official Site

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This documentary-drama hybrid explores the dangerous human impact of social networking, with tech experts sounding the alarm on their own creations. Watch trailers & learn more.

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Positive environments are important to help all youth thrive. However, the health needs of LGBT Youth can differ from their heterosexual peers. On this page, find resources from the CDC, other government agencies, and community organizations for LGBT Youth, their friends, educators, parents, and family members to support positive environments.

Some LGBT youth are more likely than their heterosexual peers to experience negative health and life outcomes. It is critical for the parents, guardians, and other family members of LGBT youth to have access to the resources they need to ensure their LGBT children are protected and supported.

Because some LGBT youth are more likely than their heterosexual peers to experience bullying or other aggression in school, it is important that educators, counselors, and school administrators have access to resources and support to create a safe, healthy learning environment for all students.

Some LGBT youth are more likely than their heterosexual peers to experience bullying or other aggression in school. It is important that educators, counselors, and school administrators have access to resources and support to create a safe, healthy learning environment for all students.

Links to non-Federal organizations found at this site are provided solely as a service to our users. These links do not constitute an endorsement of these organizations or their programs by CDC or the Federal Government, and none should be inferred. CDC is not responsible for the content of the individual organization Web pages found at these links.

Page last reviewed:

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lesbian gay bisexual and transgender (lgbt) health

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LGBTQ Youth Resources | Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health | CDC

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Positive environments are important to help all youth thrive. However, the health needs of LGBT Youth can differ from their heterosexual peers. On this page, find resources from the CDC, other government agencies, and community organizations for LGBT Youth, their friends, educators, parents, and family members to support positive environments.

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Communicating effectively with your tween and teen is a practiced art. The following tips and scripts can help you broaden your palette of responses.
Acknowledge her viewpoint. ( You can do this by repeating her perspective back to her.)

DON'T: Call her names or apply labels. (" You are so irresponsible!")

DO: Empathize with his emotions.

DON'T: Feel his emotions for him.

DO: Listen to what she has to say.

DON'T: Spend the time while she is talking formulating what you will say next.

Stick to the facts. (" Saying bad things about your sister to her friends hurt her feelings and caused problems in her friendships.")

Insert interpretations about her personality or motivations. ( "You were just trying to ruin your sister's party because you can't stand it when the attention is not on you!")

DO: Use "I" statements. ( "I'm not comfortable with that.")

DON'T: Interrupt

DO: Take time to cool off and allow him to do the same.

DON'T: Get lured in to discussing a different issue.

DO: Treat her with the respect you would like from her.

DON'T: Try to protect her from dealing with frustrations and disappointments.

DO: Go back to being positive after a tense discussion, even if he is not.

DON'T: Expect complete resolution in one sitting.
Sample Scripts
The following scripts can serve as templates for how to respond to your tween. Keep in mind that even the kindest and most neutral words can fall flat of their intent if your tone of voice and body language is antagonistic or sarcastic. A good way to monitor this is to ask yourself, " If this were a business relationship, how would I behave?"

" I can see why you feel ___________."

" You can be mad. You may not take out your anger on others."
"I wish we agreed on this. I don't like seeing you upset." "That sounds frustrating." "I understand that you are angry about my decision." "I know. It stinks when parents have to set limits." "Let's take some time to cool off and then we can talk about it more." "It's hard for me to think straight when we're mad at each other. When you are ready to discuss this without yelling, let me know." "I'm not OK with what just happened. We will talk about it later." "I have given you my answer." "Let me repeat this back to you so I can make sure I understand how you are looking at this." "Help me understand why this is important to you." "I'm way too frustrated to have this conversation. Give me some time to calm down."
"I hear that this is important to you. I can understand your desire to ______ because _________. As your parent, I cannot allow you to __________ because _______. I know you may not like or agree with my decision and I understand you may feel angry about it." (End of discussion!)
When your tween won't hear "no":
Tweens are hard wired to negotiate. Go ahead and expect it. However, do not respond to repeated pleas designed to change your mind. Don't engage in endless debates with your tween even though she wants to play lawyer in the hopes of persuading you to her viewpoint. If necessary become a "broken record" with a short and clear response.

Although you may be irritated with your tween's persistence, be sure that you continue to use a calm, even tone as you interact with him. When in the midst of a heated disagreement, save the long lectures and explanations for another time. Your wisdom and rationale will be more likely to sink in once his emotions have cooled.

Tweens can be very persistent. Remember when they were two and you sometimes had to ignore their whining? Persistently asking you to change your mind is the new whining. Learn to detach and keep your cool.

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Communication Tips & Scripts to Use with Tweens and Teens |

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Communicating effectively with your tween and teen is a practiced art. The following tips and scripts can help you broaden your palette of responses. Acknowledge her viewpoint. ( You can do this by repeating her perspective back to her.) DON'T: Call her names or apply labels.

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Are you Gryffindor? Are you Hufflepuff? Are you Slytherin? Are you Ravenclaw?

Find out with the Hogwarts Sorting Experience created by J.K. Rowling.

Now, we're assuming you're more than familiar with the four houses of Hogwarts, but here's a quick refresher, just in case.

Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago by four powerful wizards: Godric Gryffindor, Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff. They chose to split the students into four 'houses', each bearing their surnames and featuring young wizards and witches who displayed abilities and personalities they wanted to nurture.

To do this, Godric Gryffindor used his magical hat - henceforward known as the Sorting Hat - to decide which children should go into which house, and so it has been ever since with a yearly Sorting Ceremony that places each new pupil into their own new home.

The four houses have different entry requirements, and nobody summed them up better than the old Sorting Hat itself in its welcoming song...

Once you've tried the Hogwarts Sorting Experience, you can find out more about your house, and how the houses came to be in the first place.

You can read more about the founders of Hogwarts or the wily old Sorting Hat and even your house ghost.

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Official Hogwarts House Sorting Quiz | Wizarding World

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Get sorted into your official Hogwarts House by the Sorting Hat. Are you a Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, or Ravenclaw? Take the official quiz and discover your house here!

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Bullying Resources for Youth

There is a good chance that you have experienced bullying yourself, or that you have been the bully yourself. Probably, you have seen someone else being bullied. Bullying can take the form of words or deeds. It can be done from electronic devices. It includes repeatedly calling someone names, or repeatedly excluding someone from the group, or physically harassing someone. If you feel like you are being mistreated or isolated and it is happening again and again, talk to an adult. Know there is help. If you find yourself bullying someone else, stop the behavior and make it right. Apologize. Focus on doing things differently from now on. Ask for help with your behavior. If you see someone being bullied, take a stand and support that person. If you feel safe, tell the person doing the bullying to stop. If you don't feel safe, walk away and try to bring the victim with you. Whether you are being bullied, being the bully, or seeing someone being bullied, know that there is help. Start by talking to an adult you can trust.

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There is a good chance that you have experienced bullying yourself, or that you have been the bully yourself. Probably, you have seen someone else being bullied. Bullying can take the form of words or deeds. It can be done from electronic devices.

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Research indicates that GSAs (Gender and Sexuality Alliances) improve school climate, individual well-being and educational outcomes for LGBTQ youth. Participation in GSAs is related to stronger school connectedness and improved academic achievement for LGBTQ youth, and regardless of whether LGBTQ students themselves participate in their school's GSA, just having a GSA in their school can create a more positive school climate for LGBTQ students.

When you register we will send you:

monthly updates,

free GSA & school resources,

invitations to local youth summits,

and opportunities to get free swag.

GSA student members and advisors - please join us in taking a survey about your GSA experiences to help guide GLSEN in our support of GSAs across the country!

Webinars to Support GSAs - For Students and Advisors

How to Organize a Virtual Rainbow Graduation

Q&A with the Cast and Writer/Director of The Half of It

For Student GSA Leaders: Creating Safe Virtual Spaces for LGBTQ Students

For Educators & GSA Advisors: Creating Safe Virtual Spaces for GSA Meetings

Register to receive free GSA & school resources.

Join a national movement creating inclusive schools for all.

Webinars to Support Day of Silence - For Students and Advisors

For Student GSA Leaders: Organizing Day of Silence and Breaking the Silence

For Educators & GSA Advisors: Organizing Day of Silence and Breaking the Silence

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Research indicates that GSAs (Gender and Sexuality Alliances) improve school climate, individual well-being and educational outcomes for LGBTQ youth. Participation in GSAs is related to stronger school connectedness and improved academic achievement for LGBTQ youth, and regardless of whether LGBTQ students themselves participate in their school's GSA, just having a GSA in their school can create a more positive school climate for LGBTQ students.

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Castro Valley High School is located in Castro Valley, CA.

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Resources for Families of Trans and Gender Diverse Children

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Resources for Families of Trans and Gender Diverse Children

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Many people don't understand what it means to be transgender or gender diverse, so some parents or family members struggle when their child comes out as transgender or gender diverse. It is natural for parents to have questions, and this document, jointly created by the Biden Foundation, Gender Spectrum, and the Movement Advancement Project, highlights resources geared toward answering those questions. These resources also help parents gain deeper understanding and learn how to best support their child in ways that can help them succeed and thrive. Parents and family members will learn why family rejection is so devastating and find practical steps for advancing acceptance. Learn more at www.advancingacceptance.org
Who are transgender youth, and what challenges do they face?

Why is family acceptance so important?

Your child's well-being depends on it. Extensive research shows that transgender youth with supportive parents "report higher life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, [and] better mental health including less depression and fewer suicide attempts" than those without strong parental support.

What are practical ways for families to support transgender youth?

Resources for specific audiences:

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Family Support: Resources for Families of Transgender & Gender Diverse Children

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Many people don't understand what it means to be transgender or gender diverse, so some parents or family members struggle when their child comes out as transgender or gender diverse. It is natural for parents to have questions, and this document, jointly created by the Biden Foundation, Gender Spectrum, and the Movement Advancement Project, highlights resources geared toward answering those questions.

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9 Strategies to Help Kids Cope with Social Exclusion and Friendship Breakups

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9 Strategies to Help Kids Cope with Social Exclusion and Friendship Breakups

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In their younger years, they were inseparable. They begged for playdates, planned out sleepovers, coordinated afterschool activities, and just seemed to find genuine joy in each other's company. It was a match made in heaven, you observed, and you felt so lucky that your child had found such a positive friendship so early on in life.

Then, things changed. Seemingly overnight. One day, you are cajoling your tween to take a break from her three hour texting marathon with her bestie, and the next you notice that her cell phone suddenly sounds like radio silence.

Your daughter is devastated by this abrupt cut-off. You watch as she desperately tries to figure out why her friend has stopped responding to texts and how come none of the kids at her lunch table will talk to her anymore. But she can't seem to glean any understanding of the cause. She only knows with certainty that nothing is the same.

What can you do for your child when he or she is on the receiving end of a sudden deep freeze from former friends?

1. Make Time (first and foremost!).
When kids are little, many parents are diligent about establishing a schedule -- feeding times, naptimes, bath times, and bedtimes are all guided by the clock and directed by an adult. By the tween and teen years, however, young people are exercising developmentally appropriate behavior when they exert control over their own schedules. Too often, however, this control manifests itself in the frustrating fact that kids don't want to talk to their parents at traditionally-scheduled times of the day.

In fact, chances are excellent that when you first see your child after school and ask him about his day, his answer will be a simple " Fine," no matter how terrible, horrible, or very bad the day may actually have been. And at the dinner table when you inquire about your daughter's school... or friends... or whatever you think might engage her... she offers an equally unimpressive mono-syllabic answer.

You are far from alone if you fret that your child won't give you the time of day, but know this: when your child does decide he wants to talk about what is going on in his life, it is critical that you make the time to listen. No standing on ceremony, no reminding him that he didn't want to talk when you approached him at dinnertime. If you want to have a positive relationship with your child and help him through painful experiences, make time for him even when it is not convenient. Especially when it is not convenient.

I know, I know; you are exhausted at 10:00 p.m. and need to get a good night's rest for tomorrow. You have errands to run. You have emails to answer. You are really, truly busy. I get that. Your child does too. Part of her selecting this most inconvenient moment to engage you in the conversation you had been hoping to have earlier in the day is to test whether or not you really care.

Why should you have to prove this to your child after all you have given to them? That's a story for another article. What's important to know now is that when young people are hurting over their peer relationships, they are in need of support from adults. We're stuck with our tasks and our To Do lists until they are (eventually) completed, but our kids grow up -- and grow away from us -- very quickly. Don't miss an opportunity to give them time, even if they ask for it inconveniently.

2. Support, Support, Support.
Or, in other words, listen, listen, listen. I talk with so many parents who confess to me, "I never know what to say when she tells me what is going on with her friends. She gets so upset but I don't know how to fix it for her."

As parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have the magic words and the right answers to quickly solve our kids' problems. The bad news is that kids' friendship struggles are complicated and not easily amenable to simple solutions. The good news, however, is that when I talk to young people about what they are looking for from their parents, most of them tell me things like, "I just wish they would listen," and " My mom is always trying to give me advice but it doesn't help because she doesn't know what it's like in middle school these days. I just need to be able to vent to her sometimes without her freaking out." Indeed, overwhelmingly, what I hear from young people is that they are not looking to be fixed, but rather they desperately want to feel heard and understood.

3. Help Her Cast a Wide Net.
Peer conflicts are very often context-specific. A child who is the target of social exclusion in her school may well find herself accepted and valued by her basketball teammates or her theatre friends. One of the simplest, yet most powerful prevention strategies for helping kids cope with friendship challenges is to encourage them to cast a wide net -- to seek out friendships both in their neighborhood, at school, on a team, through a club, and with a youth group, etc. Parents play an important role in making sure that their kids don't put all of their nest eggs into a single peer group basket, but rather develop genuine relationships with multiple peers and all kinds of friendship groups.

Along with offering kids a diverse network of supportive peers, cultivating a child's involvement in teams, clubs, theatre groups, etc. has the added benefit of giving them interests that they can focus on, rather than perseverating on a friendship that has gone awry. We want our kids to have passions and purpose. They make kids feel successful and valued and are a far better alternative to the very 21st century adolescent practice of basing self-esteem on a number of "likes," a quantity of "followers," or an amount of texts (not) received from a friend in a day.

4. Resist the Urge to Speak Ill of Your Child's Former Friends.
I know it can be tempting, especially if a friend or peer group is especially cruel, but be smart and bite your tongue. Here's why: friendships change quickly. When you trash talk and condemn your child's former friend -- and then two days later they become BFF's again -- things can get awkward between you and your child. Even if everything you said was spot on and your child took comfort in your well-intentioned words at the time, you may well get bumped out of the confidante seat when the friendship is back on track -- and you don't want that.

Even if the friendship doesn't resume, your maintenance of a dignified, respectful regard for the former friend sets the tone for how your child will behave toward those with whom she is in conflict. Whether we relish the job or not, we are role models at all times.

5. Help Kids Understand That a Friendship Breakup Is Not a Failure.
Parents play a key role in helping kids understand the inevitability of change in interpersonal relationships. In other words, it's helpful to remind your child that a friendship breakup is not a failure, but rather a predictable (albeit painful) part of growing up. Just as kids' bodies, interests, and hobbies are changing over time, so will their friendships -- and that's OK! Make it a point to teach your son or daughter to value the positive parts of a friendship but also to be ready to move on from them -- when the time is right -- with grace and with dignity.

6. Make Use of Teachable Moments.
If there is a situation where you see your child being mistreated by a friend again and again, this is an opportunity to teach him or her what real friendship is all about. In this digital age, some kids start to believe that friendship is all about quantity -- a number of likes and followers -- instead of quality. Remind your child that a genuine friendship should leave him feeling good about himself. If all your child feels is uncertainty and insecurity, reassure him that it is a healthy thing to move away from anyone who doesn't respect him and treat him well.

7. Create Distance With Dignity.
On that note, teach your child that the way she ends a friendship matters. A helpful mantra for tweens and teens is: create distance with dignity. No matter what your daughter's friends are doing -- how cold or exclusive they have become -- encourage her to avoid ugly wars of words. Remind her not to use fake apologies or justify unkindness with "just kidding." Discourage her from talking badly about the former friends to others or online. In fact, teach your child not to put much energy into the broken friendship at all. Appreciate it for what it once was, but shift her focus to all that is going right in her life -- to the friendships and activities that help her feel good about herself.

8. Pay Attention to What's Happening Online.
Help kids disengage from unhealthy friendships online. For kids caught up in the FOMO (fear of missing out) and an obsession with likes and followers, it can be even harder to end the online aspects of a friendship than it is to let go of the live, personal relationship. Adults need to be sensitive to this. Well-intentioned advice such as telling kids to shut down a social media account or log off entirely is often unrealistic and drives a wedge between parents and kids at just the time that kids need their parents the most. Every situation is different, but adults are most helpful when they support kids in the process of disengaging from unhealthy friendships online rather than demanding that kids stop using technology altogether.

9. Don't Take Any of It Personally.
There is an old saying that kids who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Truer words were never spoken when it comes to the moody, disrespectful ways that some young people lash out against loved ones when friendship struggles are at their worst. If your child takes his pain out on you, be willing to look beyond her behavior in the moment and empathically tune in to what is really driving her hurtful words and actions.

Am I suggesting that parents give kids a free pass to be disrespectful anytime something goes wrong with a friend? No, of course not. Kids need to learn to manage their intense emotions and treat others respectfully at all times. But what I am pointing out is that when parents allow themselves to get distracted by surface misbehavior, they push their children away at just the time that the young person needs to be held most closely. In the heat of the moment, don't take anything your child says personally but do remember how desperately she needs your love and support at this time in her life.

Signe Whitson is a licensed therapist, school counselor, and national educator on Bullying Prevention. She is the author of four books, including 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for Parents & Schools and Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying. For workshop inquiries, please visit www.signewhitson.com.

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9 Strategies to Help Kids Cope With Social Exclusion and Friendship Breakups

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In their younger years, they were inseparable. They begged for playdates, planned out sleepovers, coordinated afterschool activities, and just seemed to find genuine joy in each other's company. It was a match made in heaven, you observed, and you felt so lucky that your child had found such a positive friendship so early on in life.

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Family Acceptance Project® LGBTQ YOUTH & FAMILY RESOURCES To Decrease Mental Health Risks & Promote Well‐Being Welcoming your child's LGBTQ friends is one of more than 50 ways that parents & caregivers can reduce risk and increase well-being for LGBTQ youth FAMILY MATTERS Research from the Family Acceptance Project® shows that families play a critical role...

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Imperfect Parenting: Rupture and Repair - PsychAlive

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One of the things I know for sure as a parent is that I'm constantly being challenged to look at myself-my reactions, my intentions, my foibles and my regrets. Barely a day goes by that I don't reflect on some aspect of my interactions with my daughter.

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"There's no better time for a new conversation about the damaging effects of mainstream society's oppressive, dismissive, and silencing stance on who folks are supposed to be based on . . . what . . . ? Thank God we have Alok. And I'm learning a thing or two myself." -Billy Porter, Emmy award-winning actor, singer, and Broadway theater performer

"This beautiful book is a beacon, just like Alok. Having Alok in my life has saved me in so many ways, and now you can have a little bit of them with you, too. When reading this book, all I feel is kindness. This is a step-by-step education on what it means to respect non-binary people. Alok is a human being who has a deep love and commitment to other human beings. They have come to us from the future to show us what life could be like if we all loved a little harder and dug a little deeper." -Sam Smith, Grammy and Oscar award-winning singer and songwriter

"Beyond the Gender Binary is a literary vessel of light for those who are looking for hopefulness, honesty, and a stimulating education in the exploration of themselves. This book is a twenty-first-century survival guide for queer-identifying people of all walks of life-Alok provides a safe space of shared experiences, commitment, and love to expand the gender binary to create a brighter and more inclusive present and future. This book shares wisdom, knowledge, and the universal spirit of celebrating one's self by shattering the transphobic lens that hinders most gender non-conforming people. Beyond the Gender Binary will give readers everywhere the feeling that anything is possible within themselves, and that self-love through whatever choice of gender expression is truly attainable."-Princess Nokia, musician and co-founder of the Smart Girl Club

"A fierce, penetrating, and empowering call for change."- Kirkus Reviews, starred review

"An affirming, thoughtful read for all ages." - School Library Journal, starred review

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Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon: 9780593094655 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books

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"There's no better time for a new conversation about the damaging effects of mainstream society's oppressive, dismissive, and silencing stance on who folks are supposed to be based on . . . what . . . ? Thank God we have Alok. And I'm learning a thing or two myself."

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The Genderbread Person | A free online resource for understanding gender identity, gender expression, and anatomical sex.

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A printer-friendly version of genderbread person 1. Formatted to be printed on U.S. tabloid size paper (11″x17″), but high enough quality to be scaled significantly larger.

About this version

Originally published here by Sam Killermann, with the description "It's been around in some form for many years, and this is my whack at making an inclusive, adorable, easy to understand depiction."

Limitations of this version

Spectrum vs. Continua. This version relies on a spectrum model of understanding gender, placing two aspects of identity on opposite ends of one scale. This pushes one to (1) see themselves as somewhere within those two aspects; (2) see them as opposing ideas; and (3) if they embody both, to see themselves as in between them, instead of as a lot of both, or a little of both. This issue is cleared up with version 2, which introduced the "-ness" concept.

Labels. The language describing the different points of the spectrums erases folks who don't identify with any of the concepts presented (e.g., someone who isn't bisexual, but asexual). Also, it reinforces an unhelpful oversimplification that the middle term exists directly between the two at the end (e.g., that "genderqueer" is a term for someone "between woman and man").

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Genderbread Person v1 | The Genderbread Person

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A printer-friendly version of genderbread person 1. Formatted to be printed on U.S. tabloid size paper (11″x17″), but high enough quality to be scaled significantly larger. Originally published here by Sam Killermann, with the description "It's been around in some form for many years, and this is my whack at making an inclusive, adorable, easy to understand depiction."

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GLAAD | GLAAD rewrites the script for LGBTQ acceptance.

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Glossary of Terms: LGBTQ Definitions were drafted in collaboration with other U.S.-based LGBTQ community organizations and leaders. See acknowledgements section. Additional terms and definitions about gender identity and gender expression, transgender people, and nonbinary people are available in the Transgender Glossary. Are we missing a term or is a definition outdated?

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Learning Our LGBTs! - LGBT: QUEER KID STUFF #8

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The Family Acceptance Project ® is a research, intervention, education and policy initiative to prevent health and mental health risks and to promote well-being for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer-identified (LGBTQ) children and youth, including suicide, homelessness, drug use and HIV - in the context of their families, cultures and faith communities.

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Welcome to the Family Acceptance Project®

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The Family Acceptance Project ® is a research, intervention, education and policy initiative to prevent health and mental health risks and to promote well-being for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer-identified (LGBTQ) children and youth, including suicide, homelessness, drug use and HIV - in the context of their families, cultures and faith communities.