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Sukhleen Kaur

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Active Listening: How To Communicate Effectively

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Rohit Sardana

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Tips for Active Listening - Active Listening - Communication Skills

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What is active listening, and why is it important for your career? Active listening is the process by which an individual secures information from another individual or group.

It involves paying attention to the conversation, not interrupting, and taking the time to understand what the speaker is discussing. The "active" element involves taking steps to draw out details that might not otherwise be shared.

Note

Active listening is a helpful skill for any worker to develop. It helps you truly understand what people are saying in conversations and meetings (and not just what you want to hear, or think you hear).

Active listening is a particularly useful tool to use during job interviews, since it can help you build positive rapport with your interviewer.

What Is Active Listening?

Like critical thinking and problem-solving skills, active listening is a soft skill that's held in high regard by employers. When interviewing for jobs, using active listening techniques can show the interviewer how your interpersonal skills can draw people out.

Active listening redirects your focus from what is going on inside of your head to the needs of your prospective employer or interviewer. This technique can help reduce your nervousness during an interview.

By placing your focus, through active listening, squarely upon the interviewer, you prove that you:

Are interested in the organization's challenges and successes

Are ready to help them solve work issues

Are a team player, as opposed to being nothing more than a self-absorbed job candidate.

It's important to not interrupt, or worse, try to answer the question before you know what the interviewer is asking.

Note

Examples of Active Listening Techniques

There are plenty of active listening techniques that will improve the impression you can make at a job interview.

Active listening techniques include:

Building trust and establishing rapport

Demonstrating concern

Paraphrasing to show understanding

Using nonverbal cues that show understanding such as nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward

Brief verbal affirmations like "I see," "I know," "Sure," "Thank you," or "I understand"

Asking open-ended questions

Asking specific questions to seek clarification

Waiting to disclose your opinion

Disclosing similar experiences to show understanding

By employing these active listening techniques, you will impress your interviewer as a thoughtful, analytical, and highly desirable candidate for the position. Think about possible situations that may occur during an interview and come up with strategies to allow you to listen actively.

Examples of Active Listening Responses

It's often easier to learn by reading examples. Here are some examples of statements and questions employed with active listening:

Building trust and establishing rapport: "Tell me what I can do to help." "I was really impressed to read on your website how you donate 5% of each sale to charity."

Demonstrating concern: "I'm eager to help; I know you're going through some tough challenges." "I know how hard a corporate restructuring can be. How is staff morale at this point?"

Paraphrasing: "So, you're saying that the uncertainty about who will be your new supervisor is creating stress for you." "So, you think that we need to build up our social media marketing efforts."

Brief verbal affirmation: "I understand that you'd like more frequent feedback about your performance." "Thank you. I appreciate your time in speaking to me."

Asking open-ended questions: "I can see that John's criticism was very upsetting to you. Which aspect of his critique was most disturbing?" "It's clear that the current situation is intolerable for you. What changes would you like to see?"

Asking specific questions: "How long do you expect your hiring process to last?" "What is your average rate of staff turnover?"

Waiting to disclose your opinion: "Tell me more about your proposal to reorganize the department." "Can you please provide some history for me regarding your relationship with your former business partner?"

Disclosing similar situations: "I was also conflicted about returning to work after the birth of my son." "I had the responsibility of terminating some of my personnel, due to downsizing, over the last two years. Even if it's necessary, it never gets easier."

Active Listening Skills

Validation

Emotional Intelligence

Problem Sensitivity

Courtesy

Professionalism

Nonverbal Communication

Transparency

Integrity

Humility

Proactivity

Accepting Constructive Criticism

Creating and Managing Expectations

Confidence

Empathy

Compassion

Understanding

Observation

Attention to Detail

Vocal Tone

Sensitivity to Religious and Ethnic Diversity

Self-Awareness

Situational Awareness

Interpretation

Identify and Manage Emotions

Understanding Hidden Needs of Others

Body Language

Facilitating Group Discussion

Reaching Consensus

Collaboration

Key Takeaways

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Active Listening Definition, Skills, and Examples

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What is active listening, and why is it important for your career? Active listening is the process by which an individual secures information from another individual or group. It involves paying attention to the conversation, not interrupting, and taking the time to understand what the speaker is discussing.

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The Small Print

The course will run from 10am to 4:30pm (lunch is served 1pm to 1:45pm - we offer a choice of 3 cold bowl dishes). Please be careful to arrive by 9.45am for registration and refreshments. The course will start precisely on time and it may not be possible to go back over material missed by late arrivals. If you arrive over 30 minutes late you may be asked to leave and attend another day.

Please ensure you read our Terms and Conditions before booking for our payment terms and cancellation policy.

The happy Guarantee

We want everyone to go away from our courses feeling as though they have learnt useful, practical skills that they can use straight away when they go back to work.

If you don't feel that your training has been useful or if you are unhappy in any way, please get in touch with our Customer Services team within 30 days of the course. We will be happy to offer you additional support and training free of charge to help you to gain the skills you need, or if you'd prefer, a full refund.

Coronavirus Update

Due to current government guidelines we have temporarily closed our training centre in London. All of our staff are now working remotely, and all classroom training has been postponed until 29 th May.

We have developed a fantastic range of interactive webinars delivered by our experienced facilitators, Live Online Learning. We understand that for many people this will be the first time that they have worked from home and so we have developed short 1.5-2 hour sessions to help you adjust to this new situation. You can see details of our IT Skills live online learning sessions here and our Personal Development sessions here - or we can adapt any of our classroom training into webinar format for you.

For the latest government guidance, please visit the gov.uk website.

We will continue to monitor the situation and will advise all clients if the situation changes.

If you have any questions or concerns, or would like to arrange some online training, our friendly team are available Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm. You can leave a message on 020 7375 7300 or email us at hello@happy.co.uk.

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Active Listening and Giving Constructive Feedback Happy Ltd

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The course will run from 10am to 4:30pm (lunch is served 1pm to 1:45pm - we offer a choice of 3 cold bowl dishes). Please be careful to arrive by 9.45am for registration and refreshments. The course will start precisely on time and it may not be possible to go back over material missed by late arrivals.

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Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening

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Yunli Li

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How To Really Listen To People | Jordan Peterson | Best Life Advice

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Xiaoying Yang

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I am a huge proponent of the power of communication. Effective communication can make nearly every phase of your life better.

Strong communication skills will help you succeed in business and will positively impact your personal relationships. On the other hand, poor communication can lead to a wide variety of challenges in all of your relationships. It's a skill that can have a profound influence on nearly every phase of your life.

While you might not immediately think of listening as a key component to communication, it really is. Half of all communication is listening.

To be a really good communicator, you have to learn how to truly listen. I can show you how. Follow along to find out how to practice active listening, I will share with you a step by step guide.

What Is Active Listening?

Let's start with a definition of active listening.

Active listening, like you might guess, means that you are actively listening to the person that is speaking. It means really paying attention to the person as they are talking to you. This is different that the passive hearing that is done in many conversations.

Active listening involves using many of your senses to listen to the person. It also means giving the person your full attention. You need to show the other person that you are truly listening to them, your body language will convey this to the person that is talking to you.

Think of it as your ears truly hearing, your brain thoroughly processing, and the rest of your body showing that you are fully present in the moment and engaged on what is being said. This is a good way to visualize active listening.

The Importance of Active Listening

Before we dive into the nuts and bolts of how to practice active listening, let's first look at why active listening is important.

If you agree that being a good communicator will have great benefits in all of your relationships, then you most likely agree that listening is an important part of communication. And it is.

Here's a few reasons why it's well worth practicing active listening whenever possible:

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Builds Mutual Trust

When someone sees that you are actively listening, they immediately think that you care about what they are saying. It's well known that most of us gain great satisfaction from being understood. It's one of those things that just makes us feel good.

When you are showing someone that you are very interested in what they are saying, they can't help but feel like you are seeking to understand them. This in turn greatly affects how much they feel they can trust you.

Boost Self Confidence

People who are good at active listening tend to have higher self esteem and a higher self image. This is because they are skilled at working towards establishing and building strong, positive relationships.

People who do this on a regular basis tend to feel confident in their abilities.

Fewer Mistakes and Less Miscommunication

As you might imagine, if you are practicing active listening, you actually catch lots of details and nuances you might otherwise miss.

If you are simply waiting for someone to finish speaking so you can open your mouth, you are only paying partial attention. And this is a sure fire way to miss some important points.

When you actively listen to someone, you will catch many details and subtleties you might otherwise miss.

Improved Productivity

Imagine you are assigned a project. Now imagine the person who assigned you the project clearly articulates the entire project from start to finish. Then imagine that person actively listening to your responses and clarifying any questions you might have.

As you walk out of that meeting, you have a crystal clear picture of what you need to deliver and how you are going to do it. Isn't that a nice feeling?

Having someone actively listen to you and clearly communicate will make a world of difference in how productive you are in accomplishing that project. You have a clear road map to get to your destination in a successful manner.

Fewer Arguments

Remember one of the greatest satisfactions we all have is feeling understood. This is very relevant here.

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One of the biggest reasons why arguments tend to escalate is due to a lack of understanding. When we feel someone is truly listening to us, we feel much more understood. And when we feel understood, we trust the other person more and tend to argue less. It becomes much easier to get to a good solution for everyone.

Now, let's look at how to practice active listening.

How to Practice Active Listening (A Step-By-Step Guide)

Here are the steps to being an active listener. This list may seem a little extensive and truthfully, it is kind of long.

Don't think of it as a checklist that you have to mark off each point as you accomplish it. Rather, view it as a general guideline.

If you can accomplish most of these in important conversations, you are on your way to becoming an active listener!

1. Maintain Eye Contact

You don't have to be laser focused on someone's eyes with your own. You do, however, have to maintain regular eye contact with them. This is really more for you than for them.

When you maintain regular eye contact, you are forced to pay attention to that person. It's less easier to get distracted.

It also conveys to the other person that you care enough about what's being said that you are looking at them while they speak.

2. Don't Fidget Too Much

Look, re-arranging and getting comfortable from time to time is fine. What's not fine is constantly playing with a pen or picking up your phone or looking all over the place.

Being fidgety gives the impression that you aren't interested in what the other person is saying.

3. No Interrupting

Now this isn't a hard and fast rule. If you need to get clarification on a certain point, it's okay to ask politely.

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What you don't want to be doing is interrupting someone every other sentence to make your own point. Or to add your own color into the conversation.

What you are supposed to be doing is listening, not talking.

4. Watch the Non Verbal Clues

Much of communication happens in a non-verbal manner. That means you can pick up a lot of what a person is communicating to you through their body language and not the actual words coming out of their mouths.

Watch the non verbal clues that the other person is giving off while speaking. If they are uncomfortable, they might fidget. If they are nervous, they may not look you in the eye. These types of non verbal clues can help you hone in on how the other person is feeling.

5. Restate and Clarify

Sometimes when someone is speaking to us, it's not as clear as we'd like. When needed, restate what the other person has said and don't be afraid to clarify.

You can say things like "To make sure I understand what I am hearing you say is ..... is that correct?".

Also, saying something like "So what I am hearing is ..... and". This gives the other person an opportunity to ensure they are telling you everything they need to. It also shows that you care enough to ask a question to make sure you understand.

6. Use Some Encouragers

When someone has a hard time getting through everything, it's okay to provide some light encouragement here and there to get them to continue speaking or sharing more details.

You don't want to rush into it but when someone seems to be in the middle of telling a story and comes to a halt, you can say something short like "and then" or "what happened next" or "did Bob have a response to that".

Nothing that is going to take over the conversation but small pieces of encouragement here and there as needed.

7. Probing

It's perfectly fine to probe for more information when needed. Remember that your goal isn't to take over the conversation, it's to actively listen to the other person.

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Now when you feel there could be more relevant information that hasn't come out yet, it's fine to ask a few probing questions.

Asking things such as "how did that make you feel" or "what do you think is the best way to handle that situation" are good ways to get the other person to share more about how they feel. This helps you understand the situation better.

8. Minimal Talking

I've hinted at it numerous times during the step by step process to active listening but, it's worth its own bullet point.

Remember, to be an active listener, you should listen. You are seeking to really listen and understand the other person. Your role here is not to talk much.

I can certainly have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I have something to add. I have to take an inward deep breath, pause, and keep my mouth shut. I then ensure I am focused on what the other person is telling me.

Being an active listener means listening with minimal talking.

9. Validate

Going back to how we all seek to be understood, it's a good idea to validate the other person. Saying things such as "I understand how that would upset you" and "I probably would have reacted the same way" makes the other person feel like you are on their side.

Like you empathize with them and understand them. This again will help form trust in the conversation and in the relationship. Validating someone is huge.

The Bottom Line

There you have it. A step by step guide on how to practice active listening.

Strong communication skills will help you in every relationship in your life. This includes work and personal relationships. If you can develop active listening skills, you will give your communication skills a huge boost.

Listening is half of all communication. Do yourself a favor and work on your active listening skills. It can have a dramatic impact on the success you have at work and in your close personal relationships.

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More Tips for Improving Communication Skills

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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How to Practice Active Listening (A Step-By-Step Guide)

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I am a huge proponent of the power of communication. Effective communication can make nearly every phase of your life better. Strong communication skills will help you succeed in business and will positively impact your personal relationships. On the other hand, poor communication can lead to a wide variety of challenges in all of your relationships.

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Ranjodh singh

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Active Listening. How to be a great listener.

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Active Listening. How to be a great listener.

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What Is Active Listening?

The way to improve your listening skills is to practice "active listening." This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.

In order to do this, you must pay attention to the other person very carefully. You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you, or by forming counterarguments while the other person is still speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to get bored, and lose focus on what the other person is saying.

To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that you are listening to what they're saying.

To understand the importance of this, ask yourself if you've ever had a conversation when you wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying. You wonder if your message is getting across, or if it's even worthwhile continuing to speak. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it's something you want to avoid.

Acknowledgment can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple "uh huh." You aren't necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening can also help you to pay attention.

Try to respond to the speaker in a way that will encourage them to continue speaking, so that you can get the information that you need. While nodding and "uh huhing" says you're interested, an occasional question or comment to recap what has been said also communicates that you are listening and understanding the message.

Top Tips for Active Listening

There are five key active listening techniques you can use to help you become a more effective listener:

1. Pay Attention

Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly.

Look at the speaker directly.

Put aside distracting thoughts.

Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal!

Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side conversations.

"Listen" to the speaker's body language.

2. Show That You're Listening

Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged.

Nod occasionally.

Smile and use other facial expressions.

Make sure that your posture is open and interested.

Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and "uh huh."

3. Provide Feedback

Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect on what is being said and to ask questions.

Reflect on what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is... ," and "Sounds like you are saying... ," are great ways to reflect back.

Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say... ." "Is this what you mean?"

Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.

4. Defer Judgment

Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions.

Don't interrupt with counterarguments.

5. Respond Appropriately

Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting them down.

Be candid, open, and honest in your response.

Assert your opinions respectfully.

Treat the other person in a way that you think they would want to be treated.

Listening Skills Infographic

See Active Listening represented in our infographic: Listening Skills.

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Active Listening - Hear What People are Really Saying

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Research suggests we recall between 25-50 percent of what we hear. Learn active listening techniques to avoid misunderstandings and improve productivity.

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Turn casual conversations into coaching opportunities when you practice these 6 active listening skills and techniques.

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How to practice active listening- Jiaen(Julie)

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How to practice active listening- Jiaen(Julie)

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Ngoc

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What makes a good listener? Most people think is comes down to three components: not interrupting the speaker, following along with facial expressions, and being able to repeat back almost verbatim what the speaker has just said. According to research from Zenger and Folkman, however, we’re doing it…

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"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time."
― M. Scott Peck

***

The Basics

The sense that we are not being listened to is one of the most frustrating feelings imaginable. Toddlers scream about it, teenagers move out, couples split up, companies breakdown.

One of the main reasons this breakdown in communication occurs is that listening (like reading, thinking clearly and focusing) is a skill which we rarely consider to be something requiring knowledge and practice.
There is a difference between hearing and listening.
We assume that, as long as we can hear someone and understand their words that we are listening. Hearing alone, however, is not enough. Among other things, we need to comprehend what's being said and why, reflect on intentions, and consider non-verbal communication.

Listening is one of the foundations of society - it is what enables us to form meaningful relationships and connections. And yet most of us haven't thought about how we listen.

As Mortimer J. Adler writes in How to Speak, How to Listen:

We all realize that the ability to read requires training...the same would appear to be true of speaking and listening ... training is required ... Likewise, skill in listening is either a native gift or it must be acquired by training.

Active listening is a technique for developing our ability to listen.

As a communication technique, it is used in many professional settings but is also valuable for everyday life. Anyone who has ever seen a good therapist will be familiar with the efficacy of active listening. A one-to-one therapist will listen with intent, clarify any uncertain points, often paraphrase what is said and ask the speaker to expand. A family or couple therapist will help to resolve a conflict by facilitating calm communication through reflection, open body language, and by helping couples understand one another.

As Sheldon B. Kopp writes:

The therapist can interpret, advise, provide the emotional acceptance and support that nurtures personal growth, and above all, he can listen. I do not mean that he can simply hear the other, but that he will listen actively and purposefully, responding with the instrument of his trade that is, with the personal vulnerability of his own trembling self. This listening is that which will facilitate the patient's telling of his tale, the telling that can set him free.

For the sake of clarity, we will refer to active listening in the context of two people conversing throughout this article. However, it can occur in communication between multiple people and in groups.

The Core Components of Active Listening
Comprehending
To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying. This is not as simple as it appears.

In most cases, comprehension occurs instantly and unconsciously. However, a number of potential barriers can prevent comprehension, including:

Language barriers.

The use of jargon or slang.

Difference in culture, age, social rank and other discrepancies between people.

In Eyes Wide Open, Isaac Lidsky recommends simplifying comprehension by asking 'can you explain that like I'm five years old?.' This is the same technique we use to rapidly improve learning. Removing jargon and explaining things in your own language results in massively improved comprehension of complex topics.
Retaining
To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said. Not everyone will retain the same details.

Some people recall very specific details, while others hold on to the general idea. It is common for us to only retain details which are relevant for our response.

When actively listening, we focus on the other person's words, rather than thinking about what we can say next. Suppressing our ego is difficult. It's as if we think we already know what the other person is going to say. And we fool ourselves into thinking that we've done the work: that we not only know what the other person will say but that we've thought about it before. Only, we haven't.

There are a number of potential barriers to retention, including:

Cognitive biases and selective listening (we will look at this in more detail later.)

Distractions, either internal or external (such as fatigue or a noisy environment.)

Issues with memory (such as Dementia.)

Responding
Conversations are active, not passive. A conversation between people cannot occur without a response.

Active listening requires careful responses which are made possible with comprehending and retaining.

An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues.

Ronald A. Heifetz writes that "The activity of interpreting might be understood as listening for the song beneath the words." To be an active listener, we must try to go beyond the words and form a rich picture of the other person's emotions and intentions. However, we must also avoid inventing meaning or colouring their words with our own thoughts. The same potential barriers apply to responding as to retaining and comprehending.

Active Listening and Overcoming Cognitive Biases

Active listening requires an understanding of how cognitive biases and shortcuts impact our communication. These are particularly prevalent when people are arguing and disagreeing.

Consider the following hypothetical argument between a couple, Mary and John. Any resemblance to your marriage is purely coincidental.

Mary: You never help around the house, you came home drunk twice last week, you forgot to pick the kids up from school, you never buy me flowers, you-
John: I bought you flowers on Valentine's day!

In this instance, John is succumbing to confirmation bias in order to refute Mary's statements. Ignoring the other claims, he responds to the one which he can easily disagree with. John fools himself into believing that because he can refute one statement, they are all false.

John: I bought you flowers on Valentine's day!
Mary: That was the first you've brought me flowers in 5 years.

John is now falling prey to availability bias. He remembers one event which was recent and salient, while ignoring the preceding times.

Mary: That was the first time you've brought me flowers in 5 years.
John: So? None of my friends buy their partners flowers, even on Valentine's day.

Social proof is now coming into play. John has looked to their peers for clues as to how he should behave. Rather than considering how Mary feels, he is reassuring himself that his behavior is fine because it is common.
Mary: Anyway, the flowers you brought me that time were wilted and you clearly got them from the gas station on your way home.
Here, Mary is seeing a distorted view of events due to her current anger ( bias from hating/disliking.) An event which previously made Mary happy is now only further evidence of her partner's inadequacy.

The examples above are just a few of the numerous cognitive biases and shortcuts which impede our communication.

Now, let's imagine how this argument might have gone if John had used active listening techniques.

This would necessitate putting aside emotions and ego and rather trying to understand why Mary is upset.

Mary: You never help around the house, you came home drunk twice last week, you forgot to pick the kids up from school, you never buy me flowers and I'm sick of it.
John: So, you feel I am being a bad parent, ignoring your needs, and allowing my social life to interfere with our relationship?

John is now paraphrasing what Mary has said, confirming that he is listening. It's important to note that John is not outright agreeing with Mary. Rather than seeking to defend himself, he is making sure Mary knows he is listening.

By keeping calm and showing open body language, he can then allow Mary to finish venting her frustration without interrupting. This provides a safe and secure environment for Mary to open up and express her true feelings.

John maintains eye contact and uses nonverbal cues (such as nodding and tilting his head to indicate he is listening.) Mary relaxes a little, seeing that her partner appears to be truly interested in what she has to say.

Then, John can speak:
John: What can I do which would make you feel better about our relationship?
This question is neutral and not related to personal opinion. John has allowed Mary to explore her feelings. By continuing in this way, they can turn an argument into a valuable opportunity to understand each other better.

The result in this situation is likely to be far more positive than the initial example. Even just by reading the words, you probably pictured both scenarios somewhat differently, complete with altered tones of voice and outcomes.

Active Listening as a Means of Overcoming Conversational Narcissism

If you have ever been in a conversation with someone who is only interested in talking about themselves, you will understand what conversational narcissism is and how it makes you feel.

Sociologist Charles Derber first observed the phenomenon, wherein people allow their self obsession to manifest in their conversational practices. Rather than listening to what the other person has to say and responding accordingly, many people shift the discussion to themselves.

In Inarticulate Society: Eloquence and Culture in America, Tom Shachtman writes:

[Conversational Narcissism] is pervasive and rooted in our culture of individualism, a pattern that leads to self-absorption ... by the use of 'I' statements, by boasting, by the tactic of asking questions only in order to demonstrate the questioner's superior knowledge or to top the other person's story with one's own, and by continual shifting...The most frequently used written word in the language is 'the', but the most frequently spoken word..is 'I.'

Derber describes this as the 'shift response' as opposed to a 'support response.' In The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life, he writes:

The subtlety of the shift-response is that it is always based on a connection to the previous subject. This creates an opening for the respondent to shift the topic to himself ... when serving narcissistic ends, shift-responses are repeated until a clear shift in subject has transpired ... The effectiveness is the shift response as an attention getting device lies partly in the difficulty in distinguishing immediately whether a given response is a sharing one of a narcissistic initiative.

Conversational narcissists will often repeat shift-responses until the conversation steers towards them. Again.

Returning to our hypothetical couple, this might look like this:

John: I'm just really stressed about work at the moment.
Mary: Me too, you wouldn't believe what one of my coworkers did yesterday.
John: And it's hard for me to pay enough attention to the kids when I have this much on my plate and just want to relax when I get home.
Mary: Seriously, what she did was ridiculous.
John: What did she do?

In this conversation, Mary repeats the shift-response until John finally gets the point and switches the topic away from himself.

The narcissistic nature of this is obvious in a conversational transcript but can be difficult to identify.

Support-responses are the opposite of shift-responses - they sustain the speaker's words and encourage them. If Mary had used support responses, the conversation might look like this:

John: I'm just really stressed about work at the moment.
Mary: Why is it more stressful than usual right now?
John: Well, one of the people in my team is on holiday for a couple of weeks and I keep getting landed with their usual responsibilities.
Mary: Have you spoken to your boss about that? You shouldn't be doing someone else's job as well as your own.

Notice how different those two scenarios sounded in your head.

In the first conversation, Mary was purely narcissistic and just wanted to talk about herself. In the second, the couple was able to understand each other a bit better and to see a potential root cause of their conflict.

Conversational narcissism also occurs through passive behavior.

Derber writes:

Passive conversational narcissism entails neglect of supportive questions at all such discretionary points and extremely sparse use of them throughout conversation. Listening behaviour takes place but is passive. There is little attempt to draw others out or assume other forms of active listening. This creates doubt in the other regarding the interest of their topics or their rights to attention ... A second very common minimal use practice involves the ... delay of background acknowledgements. Although weaker than supportive questions, background acknowledgements such as 'yeah' or 'uh huh' are nonetheless critical cues by which speakers gauge the degree of interest in their topics.

As Derber illustrates, we must not underestimate the importance of our responses when it comes to active listening.

The other person does not care if we listen with great attention if our responses do not reflect this. In some cases, a comment or question is necessary. Often, a simple acknowledgment is sufficient.

In The Plateau Effect, Sullivan and Thompson explain the folly of conversational narcissism:

Most people listen with intent to do something - usually to defend themselves, or to solve a problem. Nearly everyone listens with the intent of having something ready to say as soon as the speaker is finished. Have you ever wondered how crazy that is? Shouldn't there be a pause once in a while, as one of the speakers actually thinks about what to say, or even better, thinks about what has been said? Here's a phenomenon you'll observe repeatedly if you look for it: Two speakers, appearing to be carrying on a conversation, but really just giving two monologues, split up by each other, each one waiting simply for time on whatever stage he or she imagines to be on...Listeners usually can't wait to leap to their own defense, and spend their time thinking like an attorney who's planning a closing argument rather than hearing what's being said. You can imagine how ineffective this is."

How Can We Improve Our Active Listening Skills?

While there is no one method for learning to listen actively, there are a number of small changes we can make.

Active listening, like any skill, is developed by practicing, not by reading about it. By applying the concept to each conversation we have, we can gradually develop the ability to communicate well. This might include:

Educate yourself on common cognitive biases and shortcuts. Learn to spot them in yourself and others and to see how they impede communication.

Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish speaking, then provide a considered response. Consider first if it is a shift or support response.

Minimize conversational narcissism by keeping track of your use of pronouns. An over-reliance on 'I' and 'me' can indicate a desire to steer the conversation towards yourself. Aim to make liberal use of 'you' instead.

Adler recommends taking notes during key conversations. Although this may be disconcerting to a speaker, it is relevant in some situations. Adler writes: "The notes you take while listening record what you have done with your mind to take in what you have heard. That record enables you to go on to the second step...What you have notes...provides you with food for thought."

During an argument, accept that people are rarely willing to change their viewpoint. Instead of becoming enraged or frustrated, seek to develop a clear picture of the other person's logic. Using the Socratic questioning technique can be helpful for drawing out this information. Using active listening, it is possible to turn an argument into a calm discussion, where you can explain your own thoughts. Adler explains: "The logically sensitive speaker will ask you to follow his reasoning by accepting his assumptions for the time being - accepting them to discern their consequences, to see how they lead to the conclusions he wishes to arrive at...they are not axioms or self-evident truths...your task is to be on the alert to detect the initial premises...that provide the ultimate grounds for what is being said."

Increase your motivation to listen. This is known as the affective framework for active listening. This motivation might be the desire to improve a relationship, follow instructions without wasting time, make someone feel better or to make an exchange as clear as possible.

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Active Listening: The Master Key to Effective Communication

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Active listening, as the name implies requires effort. It is much more than simply "hearing" what is being said. This article will show you how to improve your listening skills to make you a better conversationalist, and a more empathetic friend, spouse, parent or partner.

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What is active listening, and why is it important for your career? Active listening is the process by which an individual secures information from another individual or group.

It involves paying attention to the conversation, not interrupting, and taking the time to understand what the speaker is discussing. The "active" element involves taking steps to draw out details that might not otherwise be shared.

Note

Active listening is a helpful skill for any worker to develop. It helps you truly understand what people are saying in conversations and meetings (and not just what you want to hear, or think you hear).

Active listening is a particularly useful tool to use during job interviews, since it can help you build positive rapport with your interviewer.

What Is Active Listening?

Like critical thinking and problem-solving skills, active listening is a soft skill that's held in high regard by employers. When interviewing for jobs, using active listening techniques can show the interviewer how your interpersonal skills can draw people out.

Active listening redirects your focus from what is going on inside of your head to the needs of your prospective employer or interviewer. This technique can help reduce your nervousness during an interview.

By placing your focus, through active listening, squarely upon the interviewer, you prove that you:

Are interested in the organization's challenges and successes

Are ready to help them solve work issues

Are a team player, as opposed to being nothing more than a self-absorbed job candidate.

It's important to not interrupt, or worse, try to answer the question before you know what the interviewer is asking.

Note

Examples of Active Listening Techniques

There are plenty of active listening techniques that will improve the impression you can make at a job interview.

Active listening techniques include:

Building trust and establishing rapport

Demonstrating concern

Paraphrasing to show understanding

Using nonverbal cues that show understanding such as nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward

Brief verbal affirmations like "I see," "I know," "Sure," "Thank you," or "I understand"

Asking open-ended questions

Asking specific questions to seek clarification

Waiting to disclose your opinion

Disclosing similar experiences to show understanding

By employing these active listening techniques, you will impress your interviewer as a thoughtful, analytical, and highly desirable candidate for the position. Think about possible situations that may occur during an interview and come up with strategies to allow you to listen actively.

Examples of Active Listening Responses

It's often easier to learn by reading examples. Here are some examples of statements and questions employed with active listening:

Building trust and establishing rapport: "Tell me what I can do to help." "I was really impressed to read on your website how you donate 5% of each sale to charity."

Demonstrating concern: "I'm eager to help; I know you're going through some tough challenges." "I know how hard a corporate restructuring can be. How is staff morale at this point?"

Paraphrasing: "So, you're saying that the uncertainty about who will be your new supervisor is creating stress for you." "So, you think that we need to build up our social media marketing efforts."

Brief verbal affirmation: "I understand that you'd like more frequent feedback about your performance." "Thank you. I appreciate your time in speaking to me."

Asking open-ended questions: "I can see that John's criticism was very upsetting to you. Which aspect of his critique was most disturbing?" "It's clear that the current situation is intolerable for you. What changes would you like to see?"

Asking specific questions: "How long do you expect your hiring process to last?" "What is your average rate of staff turnover?"

Waiting to disclose your opinion: "Tell me more about your proposal to reorganize the department." "Can you please provide some history for me regarding your relationship with your former business partner?"

Disclosing similar situations: "I was also conflicted about returning to work after the birth of my son." "I had the responsibility of terminating some of my personnel, due to downsizing, over the last two years. Even if it's necessary, it never gets easier."

Active Listening Skills

Validation

Emotional Intelligence

Problem Sensitivity

Courtesy

Professionalism

Nonverbal Communication

Transparency

Integrity

Humility

Proactivity

Accepting Constructive Criticism

Creating and Managing Expectations

Confidence

Empathy

Compassion

Understanding

Observation

Attention to Detail

Vocal Tone

Sensitivity to Religious and Ethnic Diversity

Self-Awareness

Situational Awareness

Interpretation

Identify and Manage Emotions

Understanding Hidden Needs of Others

Body Language

Facilitating Group Discussion

Reaching Consensus

Collaboration

Key Takeaways

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Active Listening Definition, Skills, and Examples

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What is active listening, and why is it important for your career? Active listening is the process by which an individual secures information from another individual or group. It involves paying attention to the conversation, not interrupting, and taking the time to understand what the speaker is discussing.

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Active Listening Skills Funny Active Listening Skill Games Listening Skills Exercises Active Listening Techniques Listening Skills Activities Effective Listening Skills TED Talks Active Listening Skills How to Active Listening How to Improve Your Listening Skills Active Listening Examples Improving Listening Skills Active Listening Phone Skills Active Listening Test Active Listening

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6 Tips for Active Listening #LittleThings

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Sunny (10 Steps to effective listening)

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by Dianne Schilling

You might also enjoy this article: 9 Small Steps That Will Make You Happier, Starting Now

In today's high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another. Genuine listening has become a rare gift-the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.

Here are 10 tips to help you develop effective listening skills.

Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.

Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person's divided attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent? If the person were your child you might demand, "Look at me when I'm talking to you," but that's not the sort of thing we say to a lover, friend or colleague.

In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. That doesn't mean that you can't carry on a conversation from across the room, or from another room, but if the conversation continues for any length of time, you (or the other person) will get up and move. The desire for better communication pulls you together.

Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don't look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.

Step 2: Be attentive, but relaxed.

Now that you've made eye contact, relax. You don't have to stare fixedly at the other person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a normal person. The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to "attend" another person means to:

be present

give attention

apply or direct yourself

pay attention

remain ready to serve

Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker's accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don't be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.

Step 3: Keep an open mind.

Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don't say to yourself, "Well, that was a stupid move." As soon as you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you've compromised your effectiveness as a listener.

Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don't know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you'll find out is by listening.

Don't be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can't slow his mental pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base, because he is following his own train of thought and doesn't learn where my thoughts are headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, "Do you want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have to say?" I wouldn't do that with everyone, but it works with him.

Step 4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.

Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and remember, key words and phrases.

When it's your turn to listen, don't spend the time planning what to say next. You can't rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the other person is saying.

Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.

Step 5: Don't interrupt and don't impose your "solutions."

Children used to be taught that it's rude to interrupt. I'm not sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

"I'm more important than you are."

"What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant."

"I don't really care what you think."

"I don't have time for your opinion."

"This isn't a conversation, it's a contest, and I'm going to win."

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is on you to relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator-or for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.

When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don't want your advice anyway. If we do, we'll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker's permission. Ask, "Would you like to hear my ideas?"

Step 6: Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.

When you don't understand something, of course you should ask the speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, "Back up a second. I didn't understand what you just said about..."

Step 7: Ask questions only to ensure understanding.

At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to Vermont and all the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this chronicle, she mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump in with, "Oh, I haven't heard from Alice in ages. How is she?" and, just like that, discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which leads to a comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone and Vermont is a distant memory.

This particular conversational affront happens all the time. Our questions lead people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don't.

When you notice that your question has led the speaker astray, take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying something like, "It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your adventure in Vermont."

Step 8: Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.

If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears-and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and words-then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening.

To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person's place and allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her at that moment. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does.

Step 9: Give the speaker regular feedback.

Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker's feelings. "You must be thrilled!" "What a terrible ordeal for you." "I can see that you are confused." If the speaker's feelings are hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and an occasional well-timed "hmmm" or "uh huh."

The idea is to give the speaker some proof that you are listening, and that you are following her train of thought-not off indulging in your own fantasies while she talks to the ether.

In task situations, regardless of whether at work or home, always restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.

Step 10: Pay attention to what isn't said-to nonverbal cues.

If you exclude email, the majority of direct communication is probably nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she says. When I talk to my best friend, it doesn't matter what we chat about, if I hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she's doing well.

Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.

Listening Skills Exercise: Summarize, Summarize, Summarize!

For at least one week, at the end of every conversation in which information is exchanged, conclude with a summary statement. In conversations that result in agreements about future obligations or activities, summarizing will not only ensure accurate follow-through, it will feel perfectly natural. In conversations that do not include agreements, if summarizing feels awkward just explain that you are doing it as an exercise.

Dianne Schilling is a writer, editor, graphic artist and instructional designer who specializes in the development of educational materials and customized training programs for business and industry. She holds a masters degree in counseling and is a founding partner of WomensMedia.

You might also enjoy this article: 9 Small Steps That Will Make You Happier, Starting Now.

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Today communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to devote less time to really listening to one another. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time.

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Active Listening: How To Communicate Effectively

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Active listening is at the heart of client-centered counseling and, once mastered, offers a powerful tool, valuable in our professional work, relationships, and personal lives (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).

When done well, active listening builds and maintains therapeutic alliances and bonds by showing empathy and creating opportunities for healing and growth. By reflecting back the emotions we hear, the client experiences messages of support and encouragement to continue their therapeutic journey.

In counseling, therapy, and coaching, active listening is one of the most potent tools for improving in-session dynamics, overturning unhelpful mindsets, and supporting transformation.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free. These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

What Is Active Listening?

Richard Nelson-Jones (2014) says we should recognize the difference between hearing and listening. While hearing involves receiving sounds and interpreting their meaning, listening involves accurately understanding their meaning.

Listening goes beyond hearing and committing words to memory by becoming aware and sensitive to nonverbal communication, such as the speaker's tone of voice, timing, speed of talking, body language, and context.

Active listening can be summed up as entailing "not only accurately understanding speaker's communication but also showing that understanding" and therefore embodies the skills of both the sender and the receiver (Nelson-Jones, 2014, p. 79).

It can also be helpful to consider what active listening isn't (Miller & Rollnick, 2013):

Rather than examples of listening, each is a roadblock that gets in the way of the client's self-exploration. The counselor, therapist, colleague, friend, and even loved one is saying, "Hold up, listen to me. I know best" (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).

The relationship with the client should take place within an egalitarian, nonhierarchical relationship, "with neither party occupying a 'one-up' or 'one-down' position in terms of status or authority" (Adams, 2016, p. 13).

Ultimately, the collaborative alliance must be fostered and maintained to allow goals, aspirations, fears, and plans to be worked through together.

What Is Empathetic Listening?

While both active and empathetic listening involve giving our full attention, the latter places particular attention on understanding the other person's emotional experience.

Accurate empathy is a helpful tool for facilitating self-exploration and, when used for communication within therapy or the workplace, can be game changing (Miller & Rollnick, 2013; Engel, 2018).

Simply put, empathic listening involves reflecting back the emotions we hear; for example, "You sound angry and upset." It shows understanding, encouraging the speaker to share more by validating them without judgment.

Ultimately, it requires us to suspend our biases and ego, showing that we are listening to understand rather than reply (Engel, 2018). For someone telling important truths about how they feel or sharing the experiences they are going through, nothing hurts more than not being heard.

Communicating empathically requires vulnerability for both the speaker and listener. Honest, open communication means the speaker leaves themself open to challenge or ridicule. It is not all one sided; the listener may also feel some of their hurt and pain.

Why Is Active Listening as a Skill Important?

"Behind the discipline of good listening is a trust that it is useful for clients to explore their own experience and perceptions" (Miller & Rollnick, 2013, p. 49). Ultimately, it keeps people going, motivating them to enter uncomfortable areas of conversation and work through difficult material.

Listening occurs in four different contexts within counseling sessions (Nelson-Jones, 2014):

Counselor listens to the therapist.

Client listens to the counselor.

Counselor listens to themself.

Client listens to themself.

If someone is listening poorly or focusing too much on themself, they will miss out on much of what is being communicated. On the other hand, listening well, actively, to the other person can equally enhance their inner listening (Nelson-Jones, 2014).

Perhaps unsurprisingly, active listening is recognized as the central skill in forming and maintaining relationships within therapy and counseling.

How to Use Active Listening in Communication

While good listening is crucial in communication, impacting almost all areas of our lives, it is rarely taught.

It is possible to increase our understanding of what it takes to listen well, share and receive information, and form more robust emotional bonds (Abrahams & Groysberg, 2021; Westland, 2015).

Active listening in counseling

The American Psychological Association (n.d.) describes active listening as a "psychotherapeutic technique in which the therapist listens to a client closely, asking questions as needed, in order to fully understand the content of the message and the depth of the client's emotion."

Typically, it involves the counselor learning to practice the following.

Adopt an attitude of respect and acceptance

"An accepting attitude involves respecting clients as separate human beings with rights to their own thoughts and feelings" (Nelson-Jones, 2014, p. 82). As counselors, we must suspend any judgment of clients' goodness or badness and recognize (as with our own) their capacity to fail based on the life skills they possess or are lacking.

We must also allow others to develop and grow at their own pace without trying to control or judge them. We must remain present and available, willing to let the clients' experiences and emotions affect us.

Develop an understanding of our clients' internal frame of reference

Active listening requires that we adopt the client's perspective, understanding their internal frame of reference. Therefore, we must recognize and understand the separateness of "me" and "you" by breaking out of our internal frame of reference and learning to walk in their shoes.

Provide small rewards and use open-ended questions

"Small rewards are brief verbal and non-verbal expressions of interest designed to encourage clients to continue speaking" (Nelson-Jones, 2014, p. 96). When used well, they can motivate, support, and encourage the client, saying, "I'm here with you. Please continue." They tell the client we are actively listening and would like to dig deeper.

Open-ended questions are powerful and a valuable way to promote active listening. "Do you feel your relationship is failing?" can be replaced with "How do you feel about your relationship?"

Closed questions can seem negative and potentially controlling, blocking clients' access to their internal frame of reference.

Reflecting feelings

Reflecting feelings shows we are in tune with the other person. While similar to paraphrasing, it isn't the same; we are "responding to clients' music and not just their words" (Nelson-Jones, 2014, p. 102). It is difficult, requiring the listener to emphasize and experience the client's emotional flow and then communicate it back.

One important skill that trainee counselors can learn involves listening for feeling words and phrases, including (Nelson-Jones, 2014):

Clients typically use a variety of feeling words, but they often cluster around central themes, such as a lack of self-confidence, difficulty coming to terms with loss, or fear of failing.

Once the counselor hears and understands these feelings, they can reflect them back, often using a variation of "You feel X because Y."

"You're angry and hurt because that person lied to you, and you can't tell them anymore."

Manage initial resistances

Resistance may present itself at any point during counseling. Perhaps the client is ambivalent, reluctant, or challenges the process based on what they think they need (Nelson-Jones, 2014).

Active listening skills can help with all forms of resistance. For example, a counselor encountering aggression, rather than challenging it or becoming sucked in, can reflect it back, showing, loud and clear, that the client's feelings have been heard and registered.

Take the following example:

Client: " This is a waste of time. My parents are idiots; they just don't get me."
Counselor: " You are angry coming here because you feel your parents are the ones with the problems. "

Feedback can open up further discussion regarding the client's feelings toward their parents and inform a greater understanding that can build the counseling relationship.

Active empathic listening

Active empathic listening involves going beyond the person's words and fully grasping their emotions. While valuable in any situation, it is particularly beneficial during therapy and in times of crisis (Crisis Prevention Institute, 2016; Westland, 2015).

Sometimes simply being with a person in a state of high emotional upset can be enough, especially when we are unsure of what to say or how best to provide comfort. Showing compassion and being willing to share our time can offer great support, mainly when we are doing the following (Crisis Prevention Institute, 2016):

Being nonjudgmental

Giving the other person our undivided attention

Listening carefully to feelings and facts

Sitting comfortably with silence

Using nonverbal messages to show we are listening and understanding

When clients are either overwhelmed by their emotions or unable to put feelings into words, being present, open, and authentic can offer an environment where they can find a safe place to calm down to share how they feel (Westland, 2015).

4 Active Listening Skills

Nelson-Jones (2014) suggests the following fundamental skills for effective active listening within the context of therapy sessions and beyond.

Receive voice messages accurately

How we frame our voice and our body can make significant differences to what we communicate, and it is vital that we maintain an awareness of each when speaking and listening. VAPER is a helpful acronym for monitoring and reviewing how our clients (or indeed ourselves) heighten or contradict the words we are using (modified from Nelson-Jones, 2014).

Volume - How loudly or softly are we speaking?

Articulation - Is our speech distinct? Does it lack clarity?

Pitch - Are we pitching our voice too high or too low?

Emphasis - Is our emphasis adequately contributing to the feelings we are sharing?

Rate - Are we speaking too quickly, without adequate pauses, or so slowly that we appear weak or unmotivated?

Receive body messages accurately

Trainees and experienced counselors should pay particular attention to nonverbal messages shared by the client's body. Such communication can indicate when they are holding back or concealing something, intentionally or otherwise.

Particular attention should be given to the following (Nelson-Jones, 2014):

Facial expression - How does the expression on their face represent how they feel?

Gaze - How much attention is directed at us? Where else are they looking?

Eye contact - Are they avoiding deeper communication or giving too much away by restricting eye contact?

Gestures - Are their gestures broad and sweeping or small, controlled, and inhibited?

Posture - Does how they sit provide information regarding their degree of confidence?

Physical closeness - Are they nearer or further away than four feet (a typical, acceptable distance between counselor and client)? And are there times they (or we) lean in closer to show interest or empathy?

Use paraphrasing

Mechanically parroting what another person is saying is annoying and damaging to the therapeutic relationship.

Instead, well-developed paraphrasing skills form part of active listening and show that the listener is engaged and understands what is being said (Nelson-Jones, 2014).

It is so effective that sparingly using the client's words and staying close to their language style actually reward the speaker's utterances.

Show awareness and understanding of context and differences

Clients' problems have a context; they do not exist in a vacuum. For each person, the contextual variables vary, as does their relevance. We must consider what the following contextual factors mean for the client (Nelson-Jones, 2014):

For counselors, it becomes increasingly important to become familiar with values, assumptions, and shared experiences relevant to communities within each of these groups.

Active Listening Exercises & Techniques

Like all skills, we can develop active listening through training and practice.

For couples

Successful relationships rely on good communication, and communication in relationships can be improved with practice (Greiger, 2015).

Validation
Couples must learn to validate one another. Rather than simply recognizing what their partners say, they can learn to validate how they feel.

Positive language
Learning to usepositive language (rather than negative and critical language) can stop one partner from feeling ambushed or criticized.

Increased eye contact
Looking at our partners directly in a calm and relaxed way can increase understanding and reduce miscommunication. Have couples practice looking each other directly in the eyes for up to five minutes.

For kids

Children can also benefit from active listening, and it is a skill that will help them in multiple areas of their lives (Listenwise, n.d.).

Stories and prediction
Sharing stories with children in groups and then asking them reflective questions encourages them to develop their active listening skills.

Creating questions
Children can practice their active listening skills by writing down questions while listening to their teacher talking.

Simon says
This fun game is a great way to ensure that children are competent listeners while learning how to focus and maintain their attention.

For parents

Parents should focus on active listening when communicating with their children. The following active listening techniques can help (The Center for Parenting Education, n.d.).

Show that you are listening to your child; they must realize they are worthy of your attention.

Hearing their upsets and their distress can help demonstrate the importance of their thoughts and feelings.

Allowing a child time to choose their course of action shows that you trust their reasoning.

Practice not judging your child and accepting (even if not agreeing) with what they say.

Learn to be objective and keep your personal feelings separate from your child.

Do not enter a conversation with a specific result in mind.

For managers

Active listening can form a valuable part of staff coaching, but it takes practice. Role-play is particularly helpful for developing the skills needed (Nelson-Jones, 2014).

Dealing with resistance

Work with a peer to practice overcoming resistance by using active listening skills. Practice situations where the employee is resistant to opening up about issues or difficulties at work by:

Showing increased emotional understanding

Giving them permission to be reluctant

Engaging with the individual's self-interest and self-protection

Rewarding them for their talking and sharing

Preparing the environment

Ensure that the environment is safe and secure for an open discussion. It can be helpful to set boundaries if there are several people to ensure that people aren't talked over and have the opportunity to ask questions.

Avoiding limiting language

Using the wrong sort of language can stop people from actively communicating. Try to avoid statements such as the following (Horton, 2019):

Providing advice - "Why don't you do this?" "You should try to ..."

Telling stories - "That reminds me of when I ..."

One-upping - "That's nothing. You should have seen what happened when I ..."

It is all too easy to stop people from openly communicating by suggesting that their views - what they think and how they feel - are less important.

Try these communication exercises for work to help implement active listening in the workplace.

Communication Resources From PositivePsychology.com

We have many resources available for improving the communication skills of therapists, counselors, and their clients.

Free resources include:

Anger Exit and Re-Entry
Sharethis three-step process with clients to take a couple from conflict to constructive communication.

Conflict Resolution Checklist
A valuable10-item checklist to help resolve conflict

Using "I" Statements
Using "I" Statements can be a straightforward way to communicate how you feel while simultaneously owning your feelings and outlining the details of the problem as you perceive it.

Assertive Communication
Understand the difference betweenassertive, aggressive, and passive communication by reflecting on personal scenarios.

More extensive versions of the following tools are available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, but they are described briefly below:

Active-Constructive Responding
This exercise introduces participants to the concept ofcapitalization interactions in which one person talks about something positive that happened to them, and another person responds to that disclosure.

Listening Without Trying to Solve
This tool is based on the concept of listening without problem-solving. The group exercise invites participants to pair up and experience two scenarios: (1) sharing a problem while being listened to and (2) sharing a problem while receiving advice and solutions.

If you're looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

A Take-Home Message

Active listening is more than just sitting back quietly; it involves "what the interviewer says in response to what the speaker offers" (Miller & Rollnick, 2013, p. 49).

Rather than putting up roadblocks to open dialogue (blaming, shaming, and over-analyzing), the friend, colleague, family member, and therapist must show they are listening, understanding, and empathizing.

Neither party should aim for one-upmanship or authority, but rather should aim to form a collaborative alliance. When we show empathy as part of active listening, we encourage the speaker to share more by validating without judgment.

Active and empathetic listening is a vital skill in counseling. Mental health professionals adopt an attitude of respect and acceptance, understanding their client's internal frame of reference and reflecting back feelings to show they are in tune.

To ensure active listening with clients, we must remain present and available. And perhaps most importantly, we must learn and have the courage to walk in their shoes.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don't forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free.

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Active Listening: The Art of Empathetic Conversation

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Active listening is at the heart of client-centered counseling and, once mastered, offers a powerful tool, valuable in our professional work, relationships, and personal lives (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). When done well, active listening builds and maintains therapeutic alliances and bonds by showing empathy and creating opportunities for healing and growth.

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https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/active-listening.html

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What Is Active Listening?

The way to improve your listening skills is to practice "active listening." This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.

In order to do this, you must pay attention to the other person very carefully. You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you, or by forming counterarguments while the other person is still speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to get bored, and lose focus on what the other person is saying.

To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that you are listening to what they're saying.

To understand the importance of this, ask yourself if you've ever had a conversation when you wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying. You wonder if your message is getting across, or if it's even worthwhile continuing to speak. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it's something you want to avoid.

Acknowledgment can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple "uh huh." You aren't necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening can also help you to pay attention.

Try to respond to the speaker in a way that will encourage them to continue speaking, so that you can get the information that you need. While nodding and "uh huhing" says you're interested, an occasional question or comment to recap what has been said also communicates that you are listening and understanding the message.

Top Tips for Active Listening

There are five key active listening techniques you can use to help you become a more effective listener:

1. Pay Attention

Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly.

Look at the speaker directly.

Put aside distracting thoughts.

Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal!

Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side conversations.

"Listen" to the speaker's body language.

2. Show That You're Listening

Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged.

Nod occasionally.

Smile and use other facial expressions.

Make sure that your posture is open and interested.

Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and "uh huh."

3. Provide Feedback

Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect on what is being said and to ask questions.

Reflect on what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is... ," and "Sounds like you are saying... ," are great ways to reflect back.

Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say... ." "Is this what you mean?"

Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.

4. Defer Judgment

Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions.

Don't interrupt with counterarguments.

5. Respond Appropriately

Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting them down.

Be candid, open, and honest in your response.

Assert your opinions respectfully.

Treat the other person in a way that you think they would want to be treated.

Listening Skills Infographic

See Active Listening represented in our infographic: Listening Skills.

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Active Listening - Hear What People are Really Saying

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Research suggests we recall between 25-50 percent of what we hear. Learn active listening techniques to avoid misunderstandings and improve productivity.