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Supporting children to understand behaviour and implement self-regulation is a complex and dynamic task ( element 5.2.2). Educators must consider many factors impacting children, including service context, educator and child relationships, developmental appropriateness and cultural practices. Other implications include the service philosophy, policies and procedures outlining behaviour support.

As outlined on the Victorian Government's webpage Supporting children's behaviour in early childhood services.

The term 'behaviour guidance' is used rather than 'discipline' as it reflects current thinking in early childhood. The term:

focusses on children's strengths

demonstrates respect

is based on knowledge of child development and learning

is grounded in positive mutually respectful relationships between adults and children.

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Tips to meet Quality Area 5: Relationships with children

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This edition, we explore pedagogical decisions that may assist services to guide and support children to regulate their own behaviour.

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Preschoolers are starting to make friends, but need help with friendship skills like sharing, turn-taking cooperating, listening and managing disagreements.

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Social and emotional learning is a vital part of children’s development. Children grow and thrive in the company of others. We explore why friendships are important and how educators can assist children to develop friendships.

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We all want our child to have friends. We want them to be happy, and to build the social skills and connections that will help them now and in the future.

Sometimes, and for some children, making friends isn't easy. This is particularly true after the COVID-19 pandemic. Because of isolation and remote school, many children either didn't learn the skills they need to make friends - or those skills got rusty.

Here are some ways parents can help.

Start at home: Learning relationship skills

Making and keeping friends involves skills that are best learned at home with your family. Some of them include:

Empathy. Make sure that everyone in the family treats each other fairly and with kindness. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to sibling fights, or feel justified in snapping at our partner when we have had a long day. No matter what we say, our children pay attention to what we do.

Curiosity about others. Make a family habit of asking each other about their day, their interests, their thoughts.

Communication skills. These days, devices endanger the development of those skills. Shut off the devices. Have family dinners. Talk with each other.

Cooperation. Do projects, play games, and do chores as a family. Work together. Help your child learn about taking turns and valuing the input of others.

Regulating emotions. It's normal to have strong feelings. When your child does, help them find ways to understand big emotions and manage them.

Knowing when and how to apologize - and forgive. This really comes under empathy, but teach your child how to apologize for their mistakes, make amends, and forgive the mistakes of others.

All of these apply also to how you and your partner talk about - or with - other people in front of your children, too!

Be a good role model outside the home, too

When you are outside your home, be friendly! Strike up conversations, ask questions of people around you. Help your child learn confidence and strategies for talking to people they don't know.

Make interactions easier

Conversations and interactions can be easier if they are organized around a common interest or activity. Here are some ways parents can help:

Sign your child up for sports or other activities that involve their peers. Make sure it's something they have at least some interest in doing.

Get to know the parents of some of your child's peers - and invite them all to an outing or meal. It could allow the children to get to know each other while taking some of the pressure off.

When planning playdates, think about fun, cooperative activities - like baking cookies, or going to a park or museum.

Keep an eye on your child - but don't hover

Ultimately, your child needs to learn to do this - and you don't want to embarrass them, either. The two exceptions might be:

If the children aren't interacting at all, you might want to suggest some options for activities. Facilitate as necessary, and step back out again.

If there is fighting or meanness on either side, you should step in and make it clear that such behavior isn't okay.

Keep an open line of communication, and be supportive

Talk with your child regularly about their day, about their interactions, and how things made them feel. Listen more than you talk. Be positive and supportive. Remember that part of being supportive is understanding your child's personality and seeing the world from their eyes. You can't make your child someone they are not.

If your child keeps struggling with making friends, talk to your doctor

All parents need help sometimes - and sometimes there is more to the problem than meets the eye. This is particularly true if your child has ADHD or another diagnosis that could make interactions more challenging.

For information on supporting friendships at different ages, check out the advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Follow me on Twitter @drClaire

About the Author

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Helping children make friends: What parents can do - Harvard Health

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The COVID-19 pandemic affected children's developing social skills. Many children either didn't learn the skills they need to make friends - or those skills got rusty. Here are some ways parents can help.

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Inclusive educational programs for children with disability

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This series of 7 interactive webinars from STaR outlines the delivery of quality educational programs for children with disability and developmental delays.

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In the Australian early childhood education and care context, 96% of approved services are rated meeting or above the NQS for QA5. This is an increase of 11% since the reporting of data began in 2013, and it is one of the areas in which Australian early childhood services excel. This strength demonstrates respect for children and an understanding of the importance of relationships in the pedagogy and practice of educators.

While we are tracking well in QA5, it should be acknowledged that strong, respectful relationships matter for every child and in every education and care setting. The concept of Belonging is embedded in the learning frameworks. The "experience of knowing where and with whom you belong" (Early Years Learning Framework, p.7) is an integral part of the formation of identity. Along with the home learning environment, education and care settings provide ongoing opportunities for children to construct the dynamic and fluid elements of their unique identities within a network of safe and secure relationships.

High-quality and mutually respectful relationships provide children with the opportunity to experience themselves as equals (Element 5.1.2: Dignity and rights of the child). It is essential for educators to provide a balance in the educator-child relationship so that children can demonstrate their increasing autonomy and independence within the constraints of secure relationships.

The learning frameworks are aligned with the goals of the Alice Springs Declaration to provide an environment/atmosphere that supports all Australians to be active and informed citizens. Educators can provide environments that promote a strong sense of agency in children; e.g. ensuring children are provided with choices and involvement in planning. Agency is enhanced when children experience relationships that enable and empower them to grow from their experiences, and influence those around them.

The elements of QA5 help educators develop reflective practices across a range of contexts. Whilst no element is more important than another, educators disproportionately set the tone for how relationships will occur between children within early childhood settings. As discussed above, when educators engage in nurturing, reciprocal and respectful relationships with children they enable children to experience themselves as important and effective in the world; this will influence how children engage in their own relationships and provide a model for children's peer interactions.

Observing children's interactions and reflecting on their relationships is a rich source information about their development, interests and capacities. We need to remember, however, that children are also keen observers of social activity, so the ways in which educators relate to each other and to families are also important. The importance of fostering connections across contexts and the value of forming high-quality relationship with families in shaping children's educational experience are prioritised across the standards, with this emphasis reflected in QAs 4 and 6. Whilst QA5 discusses respectful educator-child and child-child relationships, these relationships do not exist in a vacuum; a culture of supportive and respectful relationships can create a virtuous cycle that enriches all participants in early childhood environments.

3. Adapting our practice to a volatile world

Understanding the current context

Education and care environments enable children to explore and learn socially acceptable behaviours within a safe and secure space. Children have opportunities to manage their behaviours and responsibilities within a variety of group settings. Such interactions promote skills like collaboration, negotiation, sharing, turn-taking, listening and speaking. However, the events of the past few months have impacted children in important ways. Many have had less time with other children, meaning a reduction in exposure and opportunity to engage in learning relationships with peers.

During the COVID-19 pandemic some children may have experienced relational poverty (see Morgan et al., 2015, section 6), particularly those who already had an accumulation of vulnerabilities. In such cases, anxieties and stresses already felt by children will have been amplified during the crisis. These children will need time and consistency within the early learning environments, both structurally (i.e., predictable routines, clear expectations) and relationally.

Establishing and restoring a sense of safety and security

The needs of children from birth to 5 years have not changed, it is the external conditions imposed upon us that have changed the way we live and go about our work. In times of crises, the foundations of high-quality education and care have the most influence. Restoring or establishing children's sense of safety and security is paramount. As children and families return to their early learning environments, authentic relationships renew children's capacity for connection and learning.

When children are not feeling safe and secure, or they feel the structures they depend on are unreliable, it is possible they will resist educators' attempts to re-engage them. This can be difficult for everyone, but it is important to recognise that the child's need for safety and security is always their first and foremost need. Coming back from isolation imposed by COVID-19, some children will have a need to restore a sense of safety and security. For others there will be a need to establish a sense of safety and security.

The challenge of establishing strong, respectful relationships with children is integral to all early childhood practice, it is a process that we are all used to but might be more difficult under current conditions for a variety of reasons (e.g., children having been isolated for extended periods, caregiver anxiety about infection). The challenge of restoring relationships adds other complexities because children might feel the need to test relationships more, or they may simply be more unwilling to engage.

In pre-schoolers and young school-age children, issues with socio-emotional development typically manifests as challenging, socially disruptive patterns of behaviour that, without intervention, can evolve into persistent antisocial behaviour. As people who work with and care for children, we need to see these behaviours as a form of communication and an expression of a need. While our call to action is often the child's behaviour, we should resist seeing the child as the problem but rather turn our focus to the underlying causes.

Understanding what children are saying through their behaviour

When helping children with difficult behaviours it is useful to be aware of red flags children may communicate through their behaviour. These signals often consist of ongoing difficulties sustaining attention, emotional volatility or disengagement. For example, we might see:

inattention listening to a story

disengaging from daily routines and experiences

tantrums that last longer than would be typical

difficulty accepting changes in routine or at transition times

becoming easily upset or worried (to the extent that they may be unable to be distracted and move on)

a lack of engagement in meaningful play, or wishing to engage in more solitary play

ongoing conflict with peers

emergence, or re-emergence, of separation anxiety

regression around behaviours such as toileting or the need for 'security blankets'

While one of these alone might not raise concern, if multiple red flags are present educators need to have an increased and active presence. Co-regulating with the child to regain equilibrium of emotions within a relational context means acknowledging that the current situation is difficult, showing empathy and employing strategies that will deescalate the situation, while maintaining the child's sense of dignity and self. This process builds and strengthens relationships with children as their individual needs are better understood and supported.

Understanding our own role in setting the tone for strong, respectful relationships

It is also important for educators to reflect on the importance of their own emotional regulation and expression, and utilise this to their advantage. Through their interactions and relationships with children, educators can start to reorganise the emotion regulation template for children through their own actions, expressions and communicative behaviours.

As children get older, their need for understanding and information increases. By respecting children's informational needs, we talk to them in ways that help them make sense of the world and current events, and we provide opportunities for them to explore ideas through their exploration, play and interactions.

Finally, it is important to stress that the quality of the relationships between educators and children can be enhanced by the quality of the relationship educators have with families. Knowledge of children's experiences when they have not been attending a service can inform educators' responses. Respectful communication with families enriches relationships and provides a valuable window on the broader context of children's lives.

Remember that families also experience emotional responses in the aftermath of difficult external conditions, such as: guilt (e.g., "I had to work so I didn't get to play as much with my child as I would have liked", "I need my child to attend ECEC in order to work but I feel guilty exposing my child to risks"); stress due to loss of employment; or feelings of well-being (e.g., "I was able to spend quality time with my child during lockdown and it has strengthened our relationship"). It is through the partnership educators have with families that this can be understood and responded to for the benefit of the child.

4. Further implications for practice

At times of uncertainty, instability and stress we need to prioritise practices that ensure children feel safe, secure and valued. It is a time to slow our communications and interactions and to find power in the pause. Effective environments rely on the communication of clear expectations amongst staff, between educators and children, and with families. Because children's capacities to self-regulate may be compromised, educators need to identify children who are potentially struggling in this area and remain close by. Restoring a sense of safety and security demands educators remain regulated themselves, show patience, be gentle and offer reassurance to children and families.

When we reflect on our pedagogy, it is important to return to the fundamentals of evidence-based practice, and what is key in supporting children's development and wellbeing. Each of the following aspects of quality practice contributes to supporting children in its own way; all indicators are considered necessary in achieving a high-quality environment:

high levels of intentional and relational pedagogy

organisational structure of learning experiences (e.g., use of grouping and well-defined learning areas)

opportunities for reflective practice

resource allocation and classroom arrangement

approaches to extension and engagement

engagement in sustained shared thinking

a broad range of curriculum content and integrated experiences

use of assessment to inform planning

an understanding of child development and the need for differentiation

valuing diversity and responsiveness to individual needs

commitment to quality leadership and staff collaboration

effective communication

supportive management structure

staff stability

connections with families and the broader community

When we find ourselves navigating challenging and uncertain times such as these, educators need to prioritise the relational aspect of their role. Many of the practices identified above have a reinforcing connection to relationships. For example, engagement in sustained shared thinking depends on educators having trusting and responsive relationships with children, while at the same time contributing to the growth and development of such relationships. This will mean listening actively and sensitively, demonstrating responsiveness and empathy. Educators are better able to adapt themselves to the needs of children and families when they accept where individual families and children are at, which is achieved through cultivating authentic relationships that are sensitive, caring, tolerant, compassionate and empathetic.

Creating a sense of community can promote children's sense of belonging at times of stress. This can be as simple as offering children choices, which gives children an opportunity to have their voice heard, feel respected, have a level of control over their lives, and build a sense of belonging through the notion of ownership. However, it is important to keep in mind that too much choice for some children can become overwhelming - particularly those who come from more complex and vulnerable circumstances, who often take comfort in routines and the predictability of the education and care setting.

Being in tune with children takes patience, reflection and skilled observation. When we cannot rely on verbal interactions as with our youngest children, we need to sit comfortably in the pause using this as time to read, interpret and respond to the cues of the individual child, tuning into their non-verbal social-emotional language. These practices enable educators to match need and provision (meeting the child where they are at), captured through synchronous and interactive interactions. Attunement requires educators to be proactive in their approach to determining the pathway forward, drawing on strategies that foster sensitive and responsive connections, communicating clear expectations, and prioritising slow and reciprocal interactions - placing relationships at the centre of our work.

5. Suggested Readings

Ludy-Dobson, C. R., and Perry, B. D. (2010). The role of healthy relational interactions in buffering the impact of childhood trauma. In Gil, E. (Ed.) Working with children to heal from interpersonal trauma: The power of play. 26-43, The Guildford Press.

Morgan, A., Pendergast, D., Brown, R., and Heck, D. (2015). Relational ways of being an educator: trauma informed practice supporting disenfranchised young people. International Journal of Inclusive Education, 19(10), 1037-1051

Neilsen-Hewett, C., Siraj, I., Howard, S., Grimmond, J. and Fitzgerald, C. (2018). Case studies of effective practice: Evidence from the Fostering Effective Early Learning (FEEL) Study. NSW Department of Education, NSW Government.

Perry, B. (2001). Bonding and attachment in maltreated children. Adapted in part from Maltreated children: Experience, brain development and the next generation, Norton & Company: New York.

Siraj, I., Kingston, D. and Melhuish, E. (2015). Assessing quality in early childhood education and care: Sustained shared thinking and emotional wellbeing (SSTEW) scale for 2-5 year-olds provision. Institute of Education, University College London: London.

Authors

Fay Gowers, MEd (Early Years)
Community Engagement & Research Coordinator
Early Start
University of Wollongong

Cathrine Neilsen-Hewett, PhD
Academic Director of the Early Years | School of Education
Director of Pedagogical Leadership | Early Start
University of Wollongong

Marc de Rosnay, DPhil
Professor of Child Development & Academic Director
Early Start & School of Psychology
University of Wollongong

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Relationships with Children in Early Childhood Practice - Enduring Foundations and Responses to a Volatile World

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As part of our Quality in Practice series, Early Start from the University of Wollongong explore Quality Area 5 of the National Quality Standard.

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Practical guidance from KU Children’s Services’ Sector Capacity Building Program on what to consider when planning or adapting your service environment to support all children’s needs.

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Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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Executive function and self-regulation (EF/SR) skills provide critical supports for learning and development, and while we aren't born with these skills, we are born with the potential to develop them through interactions and practice.

This 16-page guide (available for download, below), describes a variety of activities and games that represent age-appropriate ways for adults to support and strengthen various components of EF/SR in children.

Each chapter of this guide contains activities suitable for a different age group, from infants to teenagers. The guide may be read in its entirety (which includes the introduction and references) or in discrete sections geared to specific age groups.

Suggested citation: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014). Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence. Retrieved from www.developingchild.harvard.edu.

Download PDF

Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence

An activities guide for building executive function

Download PDF

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Activities Guide: Enhancing & Practicing Executive Function Skills

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Download free guides of executive functioning activities to support and strengthen skills, available for children ages six months through adolescence.

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A bush yarn – how one preschool’s nature program reduced anxiety for both children and educators

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Earlier this year I observed our staff becoming more and more interested in sharing stories and resources about nature schools and forest schools in Australia and overseas.

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This episode of our Patreon-exclusive podcast series Exploring the NQS provides an overview of Quality Area 5: Relationships with children.
From the Guide to the National Quality Standard: Quality Area 5 of the National Quality Standard focuses on educators developing responsive, warm, trusting and respectful relationships with children that promote their wellbeing, self-esteem, sense of security and belonging. Relationships of this kind encourage children to explore the environment and engage in play and learning.

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quality area 5: relationships with children (exploring the nqs)

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‎The Early Education Show: Quality Area 5: Relationships with children (Exploring the NQS) on Apple Podcasts

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This episode of our Patreon-exclusive podcast series Exploring the NQS provides an overview of Quality Area 5: Relationships with children. From the Guide to the National Quality Standard: Quality Area 5 of the National Quality Standard focuses on educators developing responsive, warm, trusting and...

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Most people will be familiar with the term "attention-seeking" in relation to children's behaviours. But what if these perceived calls for attention are actually calls for connection? Kerrie Maguire, CELA Learning and Development Specialist, explains that this simple reframe can help educators to react differently and build crucial connections with children.

"I think it's really important to note that we all seek connection, it's what makes us human," she says. "When I hear educators discussing 'attention-seeking' behaviour it's often viewed as a negative behaviour. Connection seeking is an important reframe. Some children need more connection but they don't know how to express that need."

Identifying and understanding connection-seeking behaviours

Connection-seeking behaviours can manifest in different ways. Actions can range from aggression to withdrawal and vary based on the child's age, their temperament, and their needs.

A child who yells and a child seeking hugs may really be looking for the same thing. What they lack is the tools to fully express themselves or their needs.

"Children can only communicate with the skills and resources they have at any given time," explains Kerrie. "In some cases, their expressions may communicate that they have an unmet need. In this case, connection."

An introverted child may withdraw because they feel overwhelmed in a new environment. A child with unmet emotional needs may act out in group activities. Trauma, attachment issues, developmental delays and even environmental triggers, such as sudden or loud noises, may all contribute to connection-seeking behaviours.

Understanding the roots of connection-seeking behaviour is key to understanding the child, and developing ways to help foster secure attachments.

Strategies for responding to connection-seeking behaviours

As educators, connection-seeking behaviours can be a challenge, but it's crucial to understand and react appropriately. Consider why a child is acting a certain way, and respond in a way that helps provide what they need, emotionally, physically or socially.

A positive response can build a secure attachment, promote emotional intelligence, and create a healthier learning environment where children feel heard, and valued. That is, developing safe, secure, reciprocal relationships.

Dr Stuart Shanker has said that if you "See a child differently, you'll see a different child." By reframing attention-seeking as connection-seeking, educators have an opportunity to respond to children's behaviour to address specific needs, for positive learning outcomes.

There are a range of strategies to help with connection-seeking behaviours. These include:

active listening

empathy (viewing the situation from a child's perspective)

validation

providing praise at other times

setting boundaries with compassion

using calming strategies

providing opportunities for participation with small tasks that help children feel included

Creating an environment conducive to connection

Being proactive and flexible is important to cultivate an environment that anticipates and meets children's needs. This might involve incorporating social-emotional learning (SEL) into the curriculum, maintaining a predictable routine, and creating an emotionally safe space.

Kerrie explains: "Building a relationship with a child is complex and it requires skills. Routine is important but so are rituals where the child is involved and engaged with their head and their heart. Setting boundaries with compassion is also important."

Educators can look for opportunities to react and respond positively to individual needs, and follow through to help build meaningful connections.

Collaborating with parents and caregivers

Educators can then work with families to develop a consistent approach between home and service that best supports the child's emotional needs.

Advise parents of children's behaviours, and discuss the behaviour openly and without judgement. It's important to see if there might be anything at home that might be contributing to the behaviour.

"Open and honest communication is really vital," says Janelle Gallagher, CELA Early Education Specialist. "It's not about you judging them and them judging you. It's about working together to achieve the best outcome for the child."

Make the most of professional development opportunities

"As educators we need to be brave enough to say that we don't know everything," asserts Jannelle. "I remember one time where we were really struggling to build a connection with a particular child. We learned more about the approach to take from observing the beautiful connection she had built with another child at the service."

CELA has a range of workshops available to support you to identify connection-seeking behaviours and respond appropriately. These include:

Recognising Vulnerability to Support Children's Wellbeing and Development
An Introduction to the Circle of Security for Early Educators
Neuroscience and Behaviour
Emotion Coaching And Self-regulation

Further reading to extend your knowledge

Free CELA eBook: Behaviour and co-regulation

Amplify!: Let's take a look into the window of tolerance
Amplify!: Why aren't they listening?
Amplify!: How understanding neuroscience can help us support children's behaviour

About CELA

Community Early Learning Australia is a not for profit organisation with a focus on amplifying the value of early learning for every child across Australia - representing our members and uniting our sector as a force for quality education and care.

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Understanding and responding to connection seeking behaviours

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What if we re-framed what's traditionally been thought of as"attention-seeking"behaviour to see it asa child's way of seeking connection? CELA Learning and Development Specialist Kerrie Maguireexplains how this simple reframe can helpeducators to react differently and build crucial connections with the children who need us most.

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Standard 5.1 Relationships between educators and children - Respectful and equitable relationships are maintained with each child.

Family day care educators in a large regional city attended a professional learning session organised through the service's coordination unit that focussed on relationships with children. The principle of secure, respectful and reciprocal relationships was a lively topic of a recent discussion on the approved learning frameworks and the principles and practices supporting children's learning.

This service is situated in a rural town and is one of two services providing long day care in the town. It has established a networking group with other early education and care services in a nearby regional city.

The service's vision, for all children to flourish, as well as their commitment to uphold the rights of children as documented in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, is reflected in their philosophy, policies and procedures. It is also an ongoing discussion point in team meetings, so that this vision remains front of mind for every educator and guides their everyday practice.

Standard 5.2 Relationships between children - Each child is supported to build and maintain sensitive and responsive relationships.

Educators from this preschool / kindergarten service situated in an outer city suburb dedicate time during their regular staff meetings to critically reflect on their practice. As a starting point in reviewing their practice in relation to Standard 5.2, staff reflected on the overarching questions contained within the Early Years Learning Framework (EYLF). This caused them to think more deeply about their current practice in supporting children's relationships. This included what theories, philosophies and understandings shape and assist their work, as well as considering whether some children might be advantaged or disadvantaged when educators work in particular ways.

This outside school hours care service (OSHC) located in the outer suburbs of a large metropolitan city offers before and after school care and vacation care. The service is located on school grounds and has a strong, long standing relationship with the school's leadership team and teaching staff. The OSHC service and school have shared values, which include respect, empathy, responsibility and collaboration. These values underpin their vision to provide a safe, nurturing and inclusive environment and sense of belonging for everyone.

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Quality Area 5 - Relationships with children

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Standard 5.1 Relationships between educators and children - Respectful and equitable relationships are maintained with each child. Case study 1 Family day care educators in a large regional city attended...