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Apologizing is a critical skill that helps repair relationships and foster accountability. However, many students struggle to express genuine apologies, often resorting to insincere phrases like, "I'm sorry, but..." or "It was just a joke." The Build Your Own Apology tool guides students through the process of crafting heartfelt and effective apologies. By breaking down the apology into five actionable steps, this tool helps students take responsibility for their actions, understand the impact they've had, and commit to making things right. It's a valuable resource for promoting emotional intelligence, empathy, and conflict resolution.

How to Use the Build Your Own Apology Tool

Here's a practical guide to using the Build Your Own Apology tool in the classroom, during counseling sessions, or at home:

1. Explain the Importance of Apologizing

Start by discussing why apologies matter and how they can help mend relationships.

Use examples to illustrate the difference between a genuine apology and an insincere one.

Highlight common pitfalls, such as making excuses or shifting blame.

2. Introduce the Five-Step Framework
Share the Build Your Own Apology poster and walk students through each step:

I'm Sorry For: Acknowledge the specific behavior or action without deflecting.

I Understand My Actions...: Reflect on the impact of the behavior.

I Regret Them Because...: Express genuine remorse and empathy.

I Want to Make Things Right...: Commit to actionable steps for resolution.

In the Future, I Will...: Outline how to prevent similar issues going forward.

3. Practice Crafting Apologies
Use role-playing scenarios to help students practice. For example:

Scenario: A student interrupts a group discussion.

Apology: "I'm sorry for interrupting (Step 1). I understand my actions disrupted the flow of the discussion (Step 2). I regret them because I value everyone's input (Step 3). I want to make things right by giving others time to speak (Step 4). In the future, I will raise my hand before speaking (Step 5)."

4. Encourage Reflection
Ask students to think about times they've apologized and how it felt. Use prompts like:

"What's one thing you could improve in your apologies?"

"How does a genuine apology make you feel compared to a half-hearted one?"

5. Display and Refer to the Poster

Keep the Build Your Own Apology poster visible as a reminder for students.

Encourage them to use it whenever they're navigating conflicts or misunderstandings.

Benefits of the Build Your Own Apology Tool for Students

The Build Your Own Apology tool fosters essential life skills, including:

Accountability: Encourages students to take responsibility for their actions.

Empathy: Helps them understand and acknowledge the impact of their behavior.

Conflict Resolution: Provides a structured approach to repairing relationships.

Emotional Regulation: Teaches students to reflect on their actions before responding.

By using this tool, students develop the confidence to address mistakes and strengthen their interpersonal connections.

Download the Build Your Own Apology Poster

Help your students build stronger relationships and emotional intelligence by downloading the Build Your Own Apology poster today. This practical tool empowers students to apologize sincerely and effectively, promoting a culture of respect and accountability.

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Building Accountability with the Build Your Own Apology Tool | Blog | Clayful

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Teach students to apologize sincerely with the Build Your Own Apology tool! Promote accountability, empathy, and conflict resolution.

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#NoHarmDone | A Parent's Journey | My Child Self-Harms | YoungMinds

If you're worried that your child is self-harming but they aren't talking to you about it or showing visible injuries, it can be difficult to know what's going on.

Ways that young people self-harm

Some ways that young people self-harm include:

cutting themselves

scratching skin with fingernails

burning skin

biting skin

hitting themselves, or banging their head or another part of their body on a wall

pulling hair out from their head, eyebrows or eyelashes

inserting objects into their body

Things to look out for

If you are worried your child may be self-harming, here are some things to look out for:

unexplained cuts, burns, bite marks, bruises or bald patches

keeping themselves covered, for example wearing long sleeves or trousers even during hot weather, not wanting to change clothes around others or avoiding activities like swimming

bloody tissues in waste bins

seeming low or depressed, for example withdrawing from friends and family

blaming themselves for problems or expressing feelings of failure, uselessness or hopelessness

outbursts of anger or argumentativeness

Self-harm is usually a way of trying to manage very difficult feelings. People often self-harm when life feels hard to cope with - when lots of distressing feelings have built up and it's become overwhelming. In the moment, the sensation of self-harming and experiencing some physical pain can feel easier than feeling out of control emotionally.

If a young person is self-harming, it's often a sign that something in their life isn't quite right or has become too much to deal with. It can be understood as an important message about how a young person is feeling - one that needs to be noticed with care by the adults around them.

Some myths you might hear about self-harm can make it harder to talk about as a parent - including that it's a 'phase' young people go through, or that it's an attention-seeking behaviour.

While it might feel hard to understand sometimes from the outside, self-harm can be a way for a young person to:

manage, reduce or express very strong and upsetting emotions - such as hurt, sadness, anger, fear or feeling bad about themselves

relieve tension and pressure, or reduce feelings of panic and anxiety and temporarily feel calmer

experience a feeling of physical pain to distract from emotional pain

gain a sense of control over feelings or problems - for example, by feeling there's something they can do when things feel too much

stop feeling numb or 'zoned-out' - which can be a protection mechanism our bodies use when we're experiencing overwhelming feelings

However, while it often feels like self-harm brings some relief in the moment, this is only temporary. As feelings build up again, so does the urge to self-harm. As this cycle continues over time, a young person may start to feel ashamed, confused or frightened about the fact that they're self-harming - increasing the load they're carrying on top of what they're already going through. This can become a cycle that's really hard to break, and a habit that's hard to stop.

Helping your child in the short term

When the urge to self-harm does build in the moment, having a list of other things they can do straight away can also help your child to 'ride the wave of' their intense feelings without self-harming.

Remember that different things will work for different people, and that what helps will usually depend on the feelings your child is trying to manage. Some young people will want to do something soothing like wrapping themselves up in a comfy space, while others might want to do something very active to burn off the energy in their body.

Talk to your child about different strategies they could try, while also giving them space to find their own ways of coping and figure out what works for them. Strategies could include:

Making and using a self soothe box

Writing down how they're feeling in a journal

Writing down difficult feelings on pieces of paper and then ripping them up

Ripping up a magazine or newspaper

Hitting a soft cushion, pillow or bean bag

Listening to loud music

Having a shower

Doing some exercise

Going for a walk outside, or taking the dog for a walk

Focusing on their breathing - how it feels in their body to breathe in and out

Wrapping up in a blanket or duvet

Talking to someone - a friend, family member or calling a helpline

Tidying or organising something

Doing a hobby they enjoy that helps them feel calm, such as painting, drawing, colouring-in, watching a favourite TV programme, playing video games, cooking or baking

Your child might want to use an app like Calm Harm so they have something on their phone that suggests different techniques they can try when they feel the urge to self-harm.

Helping your child over the longer term

Over the longer-term, becoming more aware of how they feel when they self-harm, what's making them feel this way and what kinds of things help, will empower your child to feel more in control. This will hopefully reduce the sense of being overwhelmed and the feeling that they need to self-harm. You can find more tips about this below.

It might help to start a conversation while walking outside or doing an activity, which can help your child to feel more relaxed and make it feel less like a 'big chat'. It can also help both of you to be in a neutral space, for example not in their bedroom. You can find our activity ideas for starting a conversation in our guide to talking to your child about mental health.

While you may understandably have lots of questions, it's important to remember your child is going through a tough time and may find this overwhelming. Focus on finding out how they're doing, without bombarding them for information.

Remember that your child may feel ashamed about self-harming and find it difficult to talk about. Let them come to you when they feel ready to talk, and reassure them that they can talk to you as often and for as long as they need to.

If your child is struggling to talk, they might find it easier to text you or write you a letter. This also gives you time to process what they've told you and think about how you'd like to respond.

When your child does open up, try to focus on listening, showing empathy and being curious about what it's like for them, rather than trying to 'fix' things straightaway. Sometimes they will just want you to listen and understand how they are feeling.

What kinds of thoughts are they having, and how do they feel in their bodies? For example, they might start to feel more zoned-out, or like they're full of panic. This can help them to recognise what feelings they're trying to cope with, and what they can do instead to express and manage these.

Keeping a mood diary might help them to understand this overtime - this could be as simple as a word, phrase or emoji that they note down each day.

Responding to self-harm - Roundup | YoungMinds Parents Lounge

There are different places where you can find help for your child. Speaking to your GP is often a good place to start, as they can discuss your concerns, speak to your child to find out how they're doing and let you know what support options are available. Depending on your child's situation, they can also refer them for an assessment by a mental health specialist or to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). You can speak to the GP yourself to explain the situation and ask for advice, even if your child doesn't want to talk to them.

Young people who are self-harming may find it particularly helpful to speak to a counsellor or therapist, who can help them to make sense of how they're feeling and work with them to find new ways of coping. Our guide to counselling services takes you through the process of finding a counsellor or therapist for your child.

You can find out more about speaking to GPs, finding a counsellor or therapist, accessing CAMHS, getting help from your child's school and finding local services on our guide to getting support from mental health services.

Trying to find the right help for your child and finding your way around different services can be really tiring at times - so keep reminding yourself that you're doing your best and that it's not easy.

Some young people who are self-harming will find it very difficult to speak to a professional, go to appointments or even acknowledge what's going on. If things are feeling stuck, you can call our Parents Helpline for information, advice and support.

Parents have found the following things helpful to keep in mind when seeking professional help:

If you're feeling under a lot of strain yourself, or that the situation is too much to manage as a parent, it's often a sign that more professional help is needed.

Try to speak to professionals early on, before things have escalated to a crisis situation.

Encourage your child to give themselves some time to get to know a professional and build trust, remembering that they might be starting from a very withdrawn place.

Ask if you can see the same professional each time, so that you and your child don't have to keep re-explaining the situation.

Be open minded about different types of treatment - remembering that what works for your child might not be the same as what would work for you.

It's important to take your child to hospital or to your GP if they have any injuries or wounds that require medical attention.

It can be helpful to understand as a parent that self-harm is often a coping mechanism to help someone manage, and isn't necessarily an expression of suicidal feelings or an attempt to take their own life. However, people who experience suicidal thoughts can be more likely to have self-harmed in the past. If you're worried that your child may be experiencing suicidal thoughts, read our guide to find out how you can access help.

If your child is having a mental health crisis and needs urgent help now, find out who to contact on our urgent help page.

If your child's life is at risk, or if it does not feel like they're safe, please call 999 for an ambulance or take them straight to A&E.

Find urgent help

Finding out that your child is self-harming can be an incredibly distressing, or even traumatic, experience as a parent. It's completely normal to struggle with feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness, anger, frustration, guilt or shame.

Try to take time when you can to check in with yourself, and to think about ways you can take care of yourself as well as your child. Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you need it, and to share your worries with someone you trust.

Many parents who have been in this situation find it helpful to reach out to other parents so they can talk through how they have handled difficult situations and found support. You may also be able to find a local parent support group using the Charlie Waller Trust directory.

If you need more help, speaking to your GP is a good place to start, and they may be able to refer you to a local support service. Sometimes it helps just having someone there who can listen to what you're going through - and if you need someone to talk to, you can call the Samaritans anytime on 116 123.

Useful helplines and websites

While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.

This page was reviewed in July 2021. It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with self-harm. We will next review the page in 2024. YoungMinds is a proud member of PIF TICK - the UK's quality mark for trusted health information.
Whether you love the page or think something is missing, we appreciate your feedback. It all helps us to support more young people with their mental health.

Please be aware that this form isn't a mental health support service. If your child is in crisis right now and you want to talk to someone urgently, find out who to contact on our urgent help page.

At YoungMinds we take your privacy seriously. If you'd like to read more about how we keep the information we collect safe, take a look at our privacy policy.

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Self-Harm & Mental Health | Guide For Parents

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