# data[].attributes.body
⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

➳♥ ~ c o m p l e t e ~ ➳♥

Hello my little darling's, Welcome to my venting chat. Thank you for joining me today! It means alot to me knowing you read these vent's. You don't have to. Although it would mean so much if you did read and like them. I honestly don't think alot of people will be in this chat and that's fine i think. Please do not come in here to make fun of my feelings. please don't steal my photos or vent's. I know the images do not belong to me but I still don't like it- kinda pisses me off .

⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*₊⋆Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋆⁺₊⋆•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙

Enjoy.

# data[].attributes.body
♫♪.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪

([ Trigger Warning ])
Swearing, child abandonment-ish
-------------------------
<<<.. processing data..>>>

Processing complete!!

I know I can't be the only one who think's this.

Do you ever think of what ot would be like if you didn't do a certain thing? Like for example, Saying something wrong or walking into the wrong room or going downstairs to get a snack.

Well I always do.

I feel like if I don't do all those stupid thing's all the fucking time maybe I wouldn't be such a fucking cunt all the time.

Sometimes I wish I didn't go into my parent's room to ask for something while they were drunk... or wore the wrong clothing at school, or acted a certain way.

I feel like if i didn't date a certain someone I would still have all my friends. Still be in person schooling. Still... still be excepted into the familia..

Im already failing.. all i am is a falure to my own kind...my own blood.. my own Father..

My whole familia is on vacation right now in mexico and im at my house.. hating myself.. I love how they all said i was going and i was going to have so much fun seeing my familia i haven't seen in YEARS!.. I had to pack my bag's- they all packed theirs- then the night before the morning we all had to leave when i was sleeping they left. So here I am. At home. With my fucking step mother and little sister. My step mom isn't home half the time- she is always with this fucking ugly as guy. I have to babysit HER kid. she isn't really my sister. She is my step sister. She doesn't even look like my dad-.. It's just a sick joke..

Im just a sick joke.. I alway's will be.

<<<.. To be continued.. >>>

# data[].attributes.body
｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

I am truly deeply sorry. I'd never want to leave. Thing's have to be done though. I love you all so very much. You all mean so much to me. I don't want to sound cheesy or anything.. But you all give me hope. I have no idea if that's a good or bad thing considering you are all on a screen. Am I a loser for that? Well.. I'm the happiest loser right now. Sure, Yes I will be in my venting padlet. Some private chat's. Maybe a few group chat's, But I will no longer be online 24/7 as I wish I could. I honestly can't promise anyone if i will be online like that ever again. I might, MIGHT. But my Father has set me up to be in person schooling by next fall. I will not have my laptop and my dumbass broke my phone for good. I am so very sorry.. I may not return like that in the fall.. but I sure as hell will return again. I'm not gonna let something like that drag me down so easily.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

# data[].attributes.body
ꕤ♥𓍊𓋼

{[( TRIGGER WARNING)]}
Self harm, depression.
-------------------------
ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ʚϊɞ.˳˳.ʚϊɞ⋅.˳˳.
<<.. processing happiness..>>

Access denied.

-------------------------

I think I understood it was getting bad again
When I started to do everything sitting down
And I think I understood it was getting bad again
When a smile became more difficult to produce than a frown
When the room didn't light up whenever I was around
And when the tears came silently, not creating any sound
And I think I knew it was getting bad again when my own internal clock stopped ticking
When the itching for joy became my new favorite pastime
When a laugh with my friends cost much more than a dime
It was more like an act that I put on, with a grinning mouth that isn't even mine
And I think I knew things were getting bad again
When my bed went from being a resting place, to being a tomb
When I couldn't look any of my friends in the face, and when I started to assume
That I wasn't wanted or needed
When my head felt haunted and I pleaded
And I think I knew it was getting bad again
When my pen felt too heavy to pick up and write
When the same damn haunted dreams played in my head throughout the entire night
So I rip out my hair in hopes that I'll be able to see clearly
In hopes that those I love dearly will notice
Do the empty patches on my head express it to you
Or should I keep silent and internalize what I'm going through
Or should I continue to release my empty screams into nothingness
With tears flooding down my face
Tell me, if I'm so important to you
Then why am I so easily replaced
I think I knew it was getting bad again when the fog came back
The crows flew away, and the darkness started to attack
When a simple conversation became exhausting, and I avoided all human contact
And when I began to wonder if I'll ever get my permanent smile back

-------------------------

Would you like to continue this game?

"what's the game called again?.."

This program is called life ma'am, Would you like to proceed?

"...."

Hello?

Please select Yes or No to continue this program.

// Yes. -- No. // Okay! ──── Loading.. ➭

Access denied.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

# data[].attributes.body
!!! ~ HAPPY PRIDE MONTH ~ !!!

𓊆♡︎𓊇
------------------------

Hello darling!! It's currently June first when I'm posting this- it is currently 3 in the morning and I just wanted to say that all of you are so perfect the way you are and you don't have to change who you are. You are aloud to be whatever, whoever you want to be. No one has to tell you who to be. you..be who you want to be!!

------------------------
𓊆♡︎𓊇

# data[].attributes.body
༺♥༻❀༺♥༻
---- P r o m ----
༺♥༻❀༺♥༻

So I live in Michigan and they are doing this gay prom thing for pride month and my parent is letting me go- but here's the thing. I should be happy right? WRONG! im terrified! I have no friends in the real world let alone at all- and i have to go alone. so i don't know what im going to do from 3 pm- 10 pm... but i do have a cute red dress ^^.. yeeeaaahhh im worried it's tomorrow so-

≫∘❀♡❀∘≪

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❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

some times i wish i didn't meet them. Not for the reason you think..they are so amazing.. so cool..talented..and out of my league.. and to think i would be in their life forever- what a beautiful lie.  i wish i didnt meet them so i didnt hurt them...so i didnt fall in love..so i would never have to see them break because i wasn't their to hold them... ITS ALL MY FAULT!... all my fault

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

# data[].attributes.body
≫∘❀♡❀∘≪

Riots on the TV
Freeway dirt bike, popping wheelies
They wanna keep it PG
All their daughters wanna be me
I'm Georgia peachy, believe me
Head out the window, it's breezy
They up my ass like bikinis
I'm not nice, I'm a meanie

sorry mom and dad
I did something bad
Please don't get attached
There's no coming back

Break a heart like an egg shell
Cardiac arrest, a heart attack
Throw a tantrum, baby
Doll me up 'cause I'm a brat
I'm a handful, demi-devil
Pyromaniac
Bitch, I am one, throw a tantrum
Bitch, I am one
Throw a tantrum

Beauty pageant, make it tragic
Blood dripping down my nose
Leather jackets, bad habits
And we're revving to a fault
Dark magic, cheer captain, cheer
My team like, go to goal
T-E-A-M-P-S-Y-C-H-O, Team Psycho

Sorry mom and dad
I did something bad
Please don't get attached
There's no coming back

Break a heart like an egg shell
Cardiac arrest, a heart attack
Throw a tantrum, baby
Doll me up 'cause I'm a brat
I'm a handful, demi-devil
Pyromaniac
Bitch, I am one, throw a tantrum

Bitch, I am one
Throw a tantrum
Bitch, I am one (I'm a brat)
Throw a tantrum.

https://open.spotify.com/album/5IRp7hBdLQOz5gB90M1hg0

this song is basically me.

≫∘❀♡❀∘≪

# data[].attributes.body
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

I don't need a man, I need a puppy
Allergic to you, every time you touch me
Emotional maturity for dummies
I don't have the time to pretend you're funny
I'm back and I'm better
I put that teddy bear you gave me in a blender
I drew a dick on all your sweatshirts

I hate you so much right now!

Deal with it
Boy, you got to
I don't want you
Do what you want
But just deal with it
'Cause I'm so over you
You text me that you miss me
I say, "Who the fuck is this?" I deleted your number
Oops, oh gee, that's a bummer.
deal with it.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

# data[].attributes.body
𒅒

Do you really know me like you say you do?
I don't like existing in memories of others when I cannot remember my own.
You can't possibly remember me.

It makes me so angry when you tell me that,
angry that I can't verify it,
angry that those ideas of me still linger,
angry that my past exists at all.

I want to purge this dissociative self
I used to be from all consciousness,
and it isn't fair that you can still remember her.

I am so mad that you can compare me now to me before
and that you can clearly recollect all the signs.
I am so envious that I couldn't have seen the signs myself when it was happening and that I still can't now.

I envy the way you can tip your sight backward to how I was before and that you can see the progress.
I want to see it too.

I am so angry
and this feeling burns my throat
when you remind me of what you know.

𒅒

# data[].attributes.body
°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥

Have you ever woken up inside a flashback?
Do you know how it feels to be pushed down into your own body after years of being pulled apart?

I awoke many times in a haze,
wondering what year it was;
months ago I finally came to and I thought I was trapped in 2014
and instead of waking to go to school,
like I was so convinced of,
I went to work and went through the motions of something I somehow knew all too well.

How did I go so many years in this separation of self?
I awoke to all of this abundance and responsibility I don't remember creating.
I could have cried out screams of mercy
for whatever stole all these years
to give them back.

I typed away at my computer,
but it all felt so foreign.
I was supposed to be in high school;
I'm supposed to be myself.

I've awoken many times in absolute fear,
not even sure who I am,
where I am,
what time period I'm in.
It's terrifying and I'm so tired of being ripped apart from reality like this.

Have you ever been consumed by a flashback?
Hurled and spit out by the jaws of the past
and regurgitated into the present?
I've never understood why it has to keep happening.

I am tired of living in waking memory;
I want this tortuous cycle to end.

°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥

# data[].attributes.body
🎔 ⊱✿⊰ 🎔

Was I ever really his favorite?
From the words, he spilled,
I would have been inclined to believe it,
but his actions say otherwise.

Was I ever anyone's favorite?
I've been chronically revered but overlooked at the same time.
They spoke so highly of me, for someone so apt to abandon at a moment's notice.

I couldn't imagine him willing to take the time to get to know me,
and yet I expended my energy to know him;
it's funny,
to think I vowed my love to someone so distant.

I have never been the favorite,
I have always been the connecting piece from one person to another,
leading them to each other like a sheep dog with its flock;
I have always been alone,
One way or another.

🎔 ⊱✿⊰ 🎔

# data[].attributes.body
⊱ ───ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ─── ⊰

People keep trying to tell me that it wasn't real love,
and I know how wrong they are when they say it;
people don't want to face the idea that a bad person is capable of love,
but they are,
and a lot of bad people have loved me.... is it a curse?

⊱ ───ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ─── ⊰

# data[].attributes.body
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

Im sick of being alone. No one by my side, It feel's as if my scream's are silent. No one can hear me. More as if im being ignored.. I don't have anyone to help fight my demons. I feel like if i can't have someone by my side then i shouldn't even be here. my own family doesn't want to do anything to do with me. No one wants me. Im only alive because of people on a screen. Im a loser for that. I shouldn't be here. I should be nowhere.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

# data[].attributes.body
.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

Why is it so difficult to see
Winds blow the tea in my hand.
I long for you.
Feeling the need for you
Over and over

I want you
I long for you
But everything falls through my fingers like water
Wanting the affection, but getting none
Hiding myself to keep you safe
To keep him safe

I cried out loudly
Just to get nothing
No sound
No reply

The forest on fire
The place you brought me
Everything lost
Those things
That you never saw
Never heard

I kept trying to ask
I begged
Nothing
I don’t like this tea
It doesn’t taste right
Does it

Nothing stayed
It all fell.
I tried
But you never realized
How much i needed you
To stay

By myself crying
Drowning in a pool of blood
While that lake I am in
Slowly freezing
As I slowly loose my strength
I fall through
With you just standing there

The boat drifting from the shore
Out to the oblivion
What’s beyond
The lake of tears and blood

All the sacrifice
I gave in
I scream and cry
But a bubble covers my head
Oh what am I to do
It never breaks
The bubble is frozen

I keep falling
And falling
Deeper into this lake
Full of my own sorrow
Almost at the bottom
Everything’s turning white
That’s what they all wanted
Right ?

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

# data[].attributes.body
Life,
a debatable point with an unattainable answer.
Through every chapter of human history
the misery of not knowing has been snowballing;
falling on the shoulders of scholars
to provide some kind of meaning.

In our search for the truth,
we discovered all the unique ways in which people such,
and all the ones in which we triumph.
War was invented so that man might travel the world
and learn we're not all that different.

I feel I've been born in the middle of the story,
just before the big plot twist;
that click in our heads.
The "AHA!" moment when we collectively face-palm
and realize the answer to life was right under our noses all along,
and no, I don't mean ChapStick.

Maybe that's where our frustration spawns.
When we grow up and see ourselves as pawns
in a story bigger than our own lives.
After all, what could be more important than mine, right?
Then there's the fear that our lives are meaningless,
and history will be leaving us out
just like all the billions of fucks
who came before us.

I worry all the random acts of violence,
and the grand gestures of kindness
are just our desperate and futile ways
of trying to not get left behind
in the wake of something better.
I don't know,
and I would never claim to.
Well, unless of course I'm drunk and you haven't asked me.

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨

# data[].attributes.body
·~🌸~·

Its been a little while sense ive vented. My feelings are getting more and more botteled up threw the weeks .. Maybe i should stay botteled up?.. I dont know.. More thinking is needed though. Im starting school back up again and im going to the same grade as last year...im so fucking stupid.. It also feels as if when i left everyone forgot about me... But the small few who do care that i return.. I love.. Hell i dont even think anyone reads my vents at this point... Soon enough im sure that person will leave me... Maybe im not trying hard enough.. Or they got board... What if im not the person they wanted in the first place... Hell they wont say they love me back...

·~🌸~·

# data[].attributes.body
Just gonna say it and im gonna say it now.

As you know im no longer online as much and im trapped in my house without anyone to talk to or listen to besides my dad screaming. I got a new book to write my thoughts in so that kinda cool... I really miss my friends... My love of my life... And also my mom.. I may never see or talk to her again thanks to my step mother.. Fuck why cant i just have one moment in life where i have nothing to worry about.. Calm in someones arms... I miss them so much... I know it seems as if we have drifted apart but i know they love me... I know they have.. I trust them... But do i trust myself? It seems the more we talk the more im leading them on.. I love them... ALOT. But what if i dont .make it out alive? What if i get hurt again?.. What if i hurt them..?.. If youre reading this.. You know who you are. Thanks for reading my vents hunny ^^ your the last one there is... Im sorry for the damage i have caused.. Love you.