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Explanation of the Topic and Recommendations

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Explanation of the Topic and Recommendations

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Sexual Education for Individuals with Disabilities

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From kindergarten to the 12th grade, Miss Kendra’s List serves as a solid reference point for students, teachers, and parents, and deviations from it must be openly discussed and rapidly attended to. This is a minimum component of any trauma-informed school.

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Miss Kendra's List is at the core of the ALIVE program. In simple but direct language it reminds us of the basics of child safety. Posters of Miss Kendra's List are placed in every classroom, and introduced and explained to the students. The Legend of Miss Kendra is told by our staff that describes Miss Kendra's coping with loss and how the list was generated. In Classroom Activities, the students are guided in reading the list out loud, discussing one item on the list, reading letters from Miss Kendra, and then writing letters to Miss Kendra.

From kindergarten to the 12th grade, Miss Kendra's List serves as a solid reference point for students, teachers, and parents, and deviations from it must be openly discussed and rapidly attended to. This is a minimum component of any trauma-informed school.
Miss Kendra's List (For Elementary) BECAUSE

No child should be punched or kicked.

No child should be left alone for a long time.

No child should be hungry for a long time.

No child should be bullied or told they are no good.

No child should be touched in their private parts.

No child should be scared by gun violence at home or in school.

No child should have to see other people hurt each other.

This Is What Miss Kendra Says..."What Do You Say?"

It makes a child not care about school.

It makes a child feel sad or scared or lonely.

It makes a child feel angry and want to fight too much.

It makes a child feel like not trying hard or giving up.

It makes a child worry a lot about their family.

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Miss Kendra's List and "Child Safety" Classroom Activities

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Miss Kendra's List is at the core of the ALIVE program. In simple but direct language it reminds us of the basics of child safety. Posters of Miss Kendra's List are placed in every classroom, and introduced and explained to the students.

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State Policies for Sex Education in School

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State Policies for Sex Education in School

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All states are somehow involved in sex education for public schoolchildren.
As of March 1, 2016:

24 states and the District of Columbia require public schools teach sex education (21 of which mandate sex education and HIV education).

33 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about HIV/AIDS.

20 states require that if provided, sex and/or HIV education must be medically, factually or technically accurate. State definitions of "medically accurate" vary, from requiring that the department of health review curriculum for accuracy, to mandating that curriculum be based on information from "published authorities upon which medical professionals rely." (See table on medically accuracy laws.)

Many states define parents' rights concerning sexual education:

38 states and the District of Columbia require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs.

Four states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction.

35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children.

Why Is Sexual Education Taught in Schools?

A 2011 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) survey indicates that more than 47 percent of all high school students say they have had sex, and 15 percent of high school students have had sex with four or more partners during their lifetime. Among students who had sex in the three months prior to the survey, 60 percent reported condom use and 23 percent reported birth control pill use during their last sexual encounter

Sexual activity has consequences. Though the teen birth rate has declined to its lowest levels since data collection began, the United States still has the highest teen birth rate in the industrialized world. Roughly one in four girls will become pregnant at least once by their 20th birthday. Teenage mothers are less likely to finish high school and are more likely than their peers to live in poverty, depend on public assistance, and be in poor health. Their children are more likely to suffer health and cognitive disadvantages, come in contact with the child welfare and correctional systems, live in poverty, drop out of high school and become teen parents themselves. These costs add up, according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, which estimates that teen childbearing costs taxpayers at least $9.4 billion annually

Adolescents are disproportionately affected by sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Young people ages 15 to 24 represent 25 percent of the sexually active population, but acquire half of all new STIs, which amounts to 9.8 million new cases a year. About 3.2 million adolescent females are infected with at least one of the most common STIs. Human papillomavirus is the most common STI among teens; some estimates find that up to 35 percent of teens ages 14 to 19 have HPV. Girls age 15 to 19 have the highest rates of Gonorrhea and the second highest rate of Chlamydia of any age group. Young males also get STIs, but their infections often are undiagnosed and unreported because they are less likely to have symptoms or seek medical care. The most recent data available, in 2000, indicates the estimated direct medical costs for treating young people with sexually transmitted infections was $6.5 billion annually, excluding costs associated with HIV/AIDS. In 2011, approximately 24 percent of new HIV diagnoses were young people age 13 to 24.
The box allows you to conduct a full text search or use the dropdown menu option to select a state.

Colorado
Colo. Rev. Stat. § 22-1-110.5

Colo. Rev. Stat. § 22-1-128; 25-44-101-104; 22-25-110; 25.5-5-603

A school district that offers a human sexuality curriculum shall maintain content standards for the curriculum that are based on scientific research. Curriculum content standards shall also be age-appropriate, culturally sensitive, and medically accurate according to published authorities upon which medical professionals generally rely.

Creates the comprehensive human sexuality education grant program in the department of public health and environment. The purpose of the program is to provide funding to public schools and school districts to create and implement evidence based, medically accurate, culturally sensitive and age appropriate comprehensive human sexuality education programs. Creates the interagency "youth sexual health team," to function as the oversight entity of the grant program.

Sex education programs funded by the state shall provide medically accurate and factual information that is age appropriate and includes education on abstinence, contraception, and methods of disease prevention to prevent unintended pregnancy and STIs, including HIV.

Medically accurate is defined as verified or supported by research conducted in compliance with accepted scientific methods and recognized as accurate and objective by professional organizations and agencies with expertise in the relevant field, such as the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the American Public Health Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.

If a school district chooses to provide sex education courses, curricula is required to be developmentally and age appropriate, medically accurate, evidence-based and complete. Requires comprehensive sex education offered in grades six through 12 to include instruction on both abstinence and contraception for the prevention of pregnancy and STDs. Requires course material and instruction replicate evidence-based programs or substantially incorporate elements of evidence-based programs. Requires the State Board of Education to make available sex education resource materials. Allows parents to opt out.

Missouri
Mo. Rev. Stat. § 170.015
Mo. Rev. Stat. § 191.668

Any course materials and instructions related to human sexuality and STIs shall be medically and factually accurate. The department of health and senior services shall prepare public education and awareness plans and programs for the general public, and the department of elementary and secondary education shall prepare educational programs for public schools, regarding means of transmission and prevention and treatment of the HIV virus. Beginning with students in the sixth grade, materials and instructions shall also stress that STIs are serious, possible health hazards of sexual activity. The educational programs shall stress moral responsibility in and restraint from sexual activity and avoidance of controlled substance use whereby HIV can be transmitted. Students shall be presented with the latest medically factual and age-specific information regarding both the possible side effects and health benefits of all forms of contraception.

Family life education curriculum must be aligned with the most recent version of the New Jersey Core curriculum Content Standards which requires that instructional material be current, medically accurate and supported by extensive research.

Reproductive health and safety education must provide factually accurate biological or pathological information that is related to the human reproductive system. Materials used must be age appropriate, objective and based upon scientific research that is peer reviewed and accepted by professional and credentialed experts in the field of sexual health education.

The State Department of Education shall develop curriculum and materials for AIDS prevention education in conjunction with the State Department of Health. A school district may also develop its own AIDS prevention education curriculum and materials. Any curriculum and materials developed for use in the public schools shall be approved for medical accuracy by the State Department of Health.

The State Department of Health and the State Department of Education shall update AIDS education curriculum material as newly discovered medical facts make it necessary.

Requires local education agencies to develop and implement a family life education program if the teen pregnancy rate in any county exceeds 19.5 pregnancies per 1,000 females aged 11 through 18. Requires curriculum be age-appropriate and provide factually and medically accurate information. Prohibits instruction and distribution of materials that promote "gateway sexual activity." Requires that parents or guardians be notified in advance of a family life program, allowed to examine instruction materials, and provide written consent for a student to opt-out of family life education.

The State Office of Education must approve all sexuality education programs through the State Instructional Material Commission. Programs must be medically accurate.

Washington
Wash. Rev. Code § 28A.230.070
Wash. Rev. Code § 28A.300.475

Schools shall adopt an AIDS prevention education program using model curriculum or district-designed curriculum approved for medical accuracy by the office on AIDS within the department of social and health services. The curriculum shall be updated as necessary to incorporate newly discovered medical facts.

By September 1, 2008, every public school that offers sexual health education must assure that sexual health education is medically and scientifically accurate, age-appropriate, appropriate for students regardless of gender, race, disability status, or sexual orientation, and includes information about abstinence and other methods of preventing unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. All sexual health information, instruction, and materials must be medically and scientifically accurate. Abstinence may not be taught to the exclusion of other materials and instruction on contraceptives and disease prevention.

A school board may provide an instructional program in human growth and development in grades kindergarten through 12. Program shall be medically accurate and age-appropriate. Abstinence will be presented as the sure way to prevent pregnancy and STIs. Instruction must identify the skills necessary to remain abstinent.

*Medical accuracy is not specifically outlined in state statue, rather it is required by the New Jersey Department of Education, Comprehensive Health and Physical Education Core Curriculum Content Standards.

** Medical accuracy requirement is pursuant to rule R277-474 of the Utah Administrative Code.

Source: NCSL, 2015; Guttmacher Institute, 2015; Powered by StateNet

Additional Resources

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national conference of state legislatures

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Amber Bellazaire, Kate Blackman, Samantha Scotti

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State Policies on Sex Education in Schools

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All states are somehow involved in sex education for public schoolchildren. As of March 1, 2016: 24 states and the District of Columbia require public schools teach sex education (21 of which mandate sex education and HIV education). 33 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about HIV/AIDS.

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NowThis Opinions to Utilize Sex Ed. to Put an End to Sexual Assault

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NowThis Opinions to Utilize Sex Ed. to Put an End to Sexual Assault

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More comprehensive sex ed programs can help put an end to America's culture of sexual assault.

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AMAZE Brings Sex Education Online To End Sexual Assault Epidemic | Op-Ed | NowThis

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People with Intellectual Disabilities Open Up About the Epidemic of Sexual Assault Against Them

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People with Intellectual Disabilities Open Up About the Epidemic of Sexual Assault Against Them

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National Public Radio

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Editor's note: This report includes descriptions of sexual assault.
Somebody with an intellectual disability by definition has difficulty learning, reasoning or problem-solving.

But many often think deeply about the things that affect them - and the things that isolate them, like sexual assault.

As part of its investigation into the hidden epidemic of sexual violence faced by this group of Americans, NPR reached out to people with intellectual disabilities across the country to hear their voices, what they have to say about the sexual assaults they've survived, and how those experiences have affected their lives.

(NPR does not use the last names of survivors of sexual assault, unless they prefer their full name be used.)
On why people with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted
Here's what they said:

"I don't want to say easy target, but it is an easy target, because people try to work so hard to try to find friends and try to fit in our community." - James Meadours, San Antonio

"It happens to people like us, and why is because we're easy targets to take advantage of. We think that the people that we're around, we can trust them, but you don't know that by looking at 'em. You can't judge a person by their looks." - Cindy Whitaker, Austin, Texas

"We are taught to trust grown-ups more than anyone else would be. Because when you have a disability, people are always telling you, 'Do as that person says,' 'Do as this person says.' " - Thomas Mangrum, Washington, D.C.
On their own experiences of sexual assault
"People look at people with disability as, a lot of time, they look at us thinking that we don't know no better. Because a lot of us is quiet and easygoing, they think that we weakling. And we not." - Thelma Green, Washington, D.C.

"I felt dirty. I just felt not clean. I blamed myself. And I felt powerless. I couldn't even look in the mirror, because you see, all that comes back to you. It just does." - Debbie Robinson, Philadelphia

"Yes, it's happened to me. It was a staff person. It started out where he was buying pop for me and candy for me at, it was called, the canteen. ... Then one time he asked me to come down in the basement. He wanted to show me something. And I trusted him. That's where that happened." - Sam Maxwell, Meadville, Pa.
On the lasting effects of sexual assault
"I have a friend who helped me call [an information line], and that information line told me to go to the SANE hospital, and the SANE hospital is the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. And I met a wonderful lady named Miss Wanda. And Miss Wanda really took the time to examine me. And the key of it was that she worked with my pace, not her pace. And the police came and did step by step. And I remember early on during the exam, I say, I want to change the world. But Miss Wanda and the detective and a friend of mine say, 'James, you need time to recover before you help others.' " - Meadours

"We do feel pain all the time. They're ignorant that they don't see that. They don't want to see it. They close their eyes to it, close their mind to it. ... But see, if you're around me, you're going to deal with it, because I'm going to keep telling you that we do have pain, and we do feel things, and you know, don't tell me that it will go away." - Carolyn Morgan, Philadelphia

"I still have problems with dark. I won't go out by myself because I can't stand dark. I have to cover my windows with curtains." - Maxwell

"I had a lot of anger in me. I'd go to places, like to the grocery store, and I would think nothing of it, I'd steal a candy bar thinking that I could get attention this way. And then maybe they'll see something's wrong with me." - Whitaker

"I still have flashbacks. I didn't really deal with it. I was depressed. I didn't trust nobody. ... If somebody try to be nice to me, I make sure they couldn't get close to me. I was very irritable. I didn't want to be bothered with nobody." - Theresa Proctor, Washington, D.C.

"I can remember everything. Even though I have a disability, I still remember it. ... Sometimes I walk all day, just to try to help me. If I have things that bother me, I try to get the stress out of me, so I take a walk. I guess I start walking around 11:30 and I don't come back until 4 o'clock." - Kathleen, suburban Philadelphia
On reporting and talking about sexual assault
"It took a lot to make me be this brave to talk about this. It took me years to get this brave." - Maxwell

"They think if you got a disability that means you lie, that you can't really tell the truth or you don't know what the truth is." - Mangrum

"When you go through a good therapist, mine said you have to name what happened, call it what it is. You were abused, sexually. ... I was thinking maybe it was a relationship, a bad one. I was just in denial. ... I had to figure out that it's not my fault. I had to go through all the memories and name it, and open up the box you really don't want to open up, Pandora's box." - Robinson

"Some with disabilities are afraid to report it, because they're afraid it will make them look bad, worse than they already are, because people already look down on you, because you're disabled. It felt like the world was against me." - Whitaker

"When I went down to the police station, they asked me did I know the man and did I ask for it. And I said, 'No, I didn't know the man, and I didn't ask for it.' ... You keep on telling until somebody understands and listens." - Morgan

"To believe is to really to hear the person. To hear the stories and to really, really be there. Because if no one believe you, you will be depressed, you'll feel discouraged, or even worse, you may give up." - Meadours

"We are not believed. Right away, the cops think you asked for it. So, you really do have to keep tellin'. They don't even think that we're reliable witnesses." - Robinson

"I think it's about time we're talking about it. But now we need to take the next step to help not just people in Hollywood or people in white-collar suburbs but also the community. Help each person who have a story and help them to not be judged but to make them be part of the community and also to embrace them when they need to be embraced." - Meadours

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In Their Own Words: People With Intellectual Disabilities Talk About Rape

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Editor's note: This report includes descriptions of sexual assault. Somebody with an intellectual disability by definition has difficulty learning, reasoning or problem-solving. But many often think deeply about the things that affect them - and the things that isolate them, like sexual assault.

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States Aim to Halt Sexual Abuse of People with Intellectual Disabilities 

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States Aim to Halt Sexual Abuse of People with Intellectual Disabilities 

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National Public Radio

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Earlier this year, NPR reported that people with intellectual disabilities are victims of some of the highest rates of sexual assault. NPR found previously undisclosed government numbers showing that they're assaulted at seven times the rate of people without disabilities. Now states, communities and advocates, citing NPR's reporting, are making reforms aimed at improving those statistics.

In Pennsylvania, legislation passed the state House of Representatives earlier this month that would make it easier for people with intellectual disabilities to testify in court. The proposed law, introduced by Republican Rep. Garth Everett, would set out circumstances in which a judge could allow a person's testimony to be taken outside of a courtroom.

In Massachusetts, a proposed law would create a registry of abusive caregivers, even if the case isn't prosecuted. Currently, when an allegation of abuse emerges, a state agency investigates to see if the claim can be substantiated, but the names of alleged perpetrators are only made public if a prosecutor decides to take the case to trial. Advocates cited the NPR series in pushing for the law.

And in California, legislation was proposed - but ultimately stalled - that would have started a pilot program to give prosecutors extra money to devote more staff and more time to prosecute these cases.

These reforms are all aimed at making it easier for police and prosecutors to investigate cases and take them to trial. It can be difficult to do that, in part because people with intellectual disabilities may have difficulty speaking, remembering details or recalling a time sequence. One result: perpetrators often go unpunished, and are free to assault again.

In the U.S. Congress, legislation was introduced that would guarantee the continuation of existing federal funding to address the sexual assault of women with intellectual disabilities. The money is currently authorized in the Violence Against Women Act, which is set to expire at the end of this year. When Republican Rep. Ken Calvert of California introduced the CARE Act in April, he noted the NPR reporting and statistics: "It is absolutely shocking and disturbing that these individuals are targeted so often and I wholeheartedly believe we must do more to protect them."

Other proposals involve training people with intellectual disabilities themselves. Often, they didn't get sex education in schools, so they may have difficulty identifying abuse.

People with intellectual disabilities "live an isolated life and it makes you more likely to be victimized," says Jessica Oppenheim of the Arc of New Jersey, an advocacy group.

"Let's face it," she says, "Offenders are going to look for an easier target. And someone who doesn't feel they have the right to say anything, someone who may not understand what their rights are, someone who's not comfortable - or maybe is even afraid to say anything - makes for an easier target."

Now states, including Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Florida, are spending more money for trainings about healthy relationships and how to spot abuse. And groups that represent people with intellectual disabilities and people who teach classes about sexuality for people with disabilities are reporting new interest in trainings.

Earlier this month, the Arc of New Jersey called a state summit to consider reforms. About 50 people - state officials, prosecutors, parents, advocates and people who work in the disability field - gathered at the meeting in New Brunswick.

James Meadours, a man with an intellectual disability, came from Texas to deliver the keynote address. Meadours is a rape survivor who was featured in NPR's Abused and Betrayed series.

Meadours first started speaking to disability groups about a decade ago. Since NPR's series, Meadours has traveled around the country doing even more advocacy. He appears in a new public service announcement from 1in6, a national nonprofit that offers support to male survivors of sexual assault.

"If you be quiet," he said, "You cannot change things. But if you have a voice, you can change the world."

After Meadours spoke, the people in the room brainstormed ideas. Someone from each table stood up to report their recommendations.

Thomas Baffuto, the executive director of the Arc of New Jersey, said there was a "need for a hotline for folks with intellectual disabilities to not only report abuse and neglect but also get help and get connected to supports and services." And he suggested legislation that would require that students with disabilities get sex education in school. Often they are pulled from those classes to get other services, or because it's assumed they can't understand the discussion. "We think schools have to require more sex education, not less," Baffuto added.

Oppenheim, an attorney who runs the New Jersey Arc's criminal justice advocacy program, said the public needs to better understand that people with intellectual disabilities live and work in their neighborhoods and to respect their desire to be part of those communities.

One suggestion: "Essentially a public service campaign that we would call '#UsToo.'"

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States Aim To Halt Sexual Abuse Of People With Intellectual Disabilities

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Earlier this year, NPR reported that people with intellectual disabilities are victims of some of the highest rates of sexual assault. NPR found previously undisclosed government numbers showing that they're assaulted at seven times the rate of people without disabilities. Now states, communities and advocates, citing NPR's reporting, are making reforms aimed at improving those statistics.

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This is a local resource for Champaign County that provides programming aligning with sex education for young adults.

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OFFERING A RANGE OF OPTIONS FOR ADULTS WITH DISABILITIES TO ENGAGE WITH OTHERS, INCLUDING SOCIAL EVENTS, LEADERSHIP & SELF-ADVOCACY, ASSISTANCE WITH HOSTING INDIVIDUAL EVENTS, AND SUPPORT IN DEVELOPING CONNECTIONS WITH CLUBS AND GROUPS IN THE COMMUNITY.
SOCIAL OPPORTUNITIES
Weekly social events around town where you can connect with other CC members and your community. Weekly events are supported by CC staff and include things such as: dinners and lunches at restaurants around Champaign-Urbana, Illini games, cultural events, farmer's markets, and checking out special events locally and around the state.

STEP UP TO LEADERSHIP
​An eight-week leadership course created by a dedicated team of people with and without disabilities, including CC members, staff and U of I graduate students. The course focuses on many different aspects of leadership, from everyday life to self-advocacy. We explore different leadership styles and skills, role-play, hold debates, conduct mock-interviews and gain insight from other leaders. We build on our leadership potential to discover what type of leader we each strive to be, and offer practical strategies and tools to get there.

CO-OP CLUBS
​Small groups pursuing shared interests. In a CO-OP CLUB, you and your group can create your own activities or join something that is already happening in the community. A club might cook together, go to Illini games, join a dance class, or any number of things! CO-OP CLUBS are not staffed by Community Choices. CC staff work with members during the formation of a club, and provide ongoing support to the club Organizer throughout its duration. Organizers take a leadership role within the club that can include suggesting activities, sending reminders and supporting each club member's contributions to the group.

​Community building and connection through shared public experiences. The series of interactive outdoor mini-events provide low-pressure creative environments for genuine connection and discovery. The planning and implementation of each different event involves multiple CC members and staff collaborating with different community partners. It's all about people with and without disabilities together creating a unique and fun experience for the community to engage in. Open Champaign projects are a great way for you to make a direct impact on your community and build relationships at the same time.

​There is another approach we take with Open Champaign as well. Along with the support of CC staff, you identify one or more local groups that you would like to join. Together, the you and a staff member take the necessary steps to try out the group, including information gathering, attending meetings/get-togethers, and building connections with key people in the group. We may also identify a key person to connect with first, and choose a group to join based on mutual interests. CC staff support fades out as you develop friendships and gain comfort within the group. And if the first group isn't a fit, no worries...we find another one to try out!

THE IN PROJECT
Creating opportunities for people with developmental disabilities to have influence, membership, value and leadership within the structure of our local community.
The IN Project has three different approaches:
INFLUENCE IN THE LIVES OF YOUTH WITH DISABILITIES through mentoring. Adults with disabilities mentor students with disabilities in Champaign and Urbana middle and high schools through our partnership with the CU 1to1 Mentoring Program. Our mentors are able to relate to these students in ways that non-disabled mentors cannot, and provide insight and support reflective of the students' actual experience as a person with a disability in the school system and in the world.

INFLUENCE IN CURRENT COMMUNITY LEADERSHIP through a series of Community Conversations where members with disabilities engage with local civic organizations, government entities, influential individuals, and community groups. These conversation roundtables will be used as a jumping off point for people with disabilities to take on leadership roles in attending organizations and entities.

INFLUENCE IN THE BROADER COMMUNITY THROUGH MEDIA ENGAGEMENT where Community Choices members share their valuable and unique perspectives by working with local media outlets to establish a series of broadcast features created by people with disabilities. The broadcast features will be in a variety of media formats, such as print media, online articles or blogs, radio and television segments.

For more information on these services, please contact: 217-621-1090

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OFFERING A RANGE OF OPTIONS FOR ADULTS WITH DISABILITIES TO ENGAGE WITH OTHERS, INCLUDING SOCIAL EVENTS, LEADERSHIP & SELF-ADVOCACY, ASSISTANCE WITH HOSTING INDIVIDUAL EVENTS, AND SUPPORT IN DEVELOPING CONNECTIONS WITH CLUBS AND GROUPS IN THE COMMUNITY. SOCIAL OPPORTUNITIES Weekly social events around town where you can connect with other CC members and your community.

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Sexuality in Transition Planning Annotated Bibliography

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Why it is important to teach children stranger danger! This should be part of sex education curriculum.

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CHILD ABDUCTION at Park (Social Experiment)

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Interactive lessons and activities for all students!

Use digital citizenship lesson plans to address timely topics and prepare students to take ownership of their digital lives. Browse lessons by grade and topic below, or see an overview of the curriculum.
We've got more new lessons! Explore all lesson plans or check our lesson collections!

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DigCit Curriculum | Common Sense Education

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Research-backed digital citizenship lesson plans help schools navigate timely topics, such as cyberbullying, online safety, privacy, and media literacy.

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Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States

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Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States

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SIECUS has been advocating for everyone’s right to accurate and comprehensive sexuality information, education, and related health services since 1964.

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Advice from those with Disabilities on Dating 

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Advice from those with Disabilities on Dating 

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by Vilissa K. Thompson, LMSW.

Vilissa is a social worker, disability rights consultant, writer, advocate, and founder of Ramp Your Voice!

As a single woman on the dating scene, I find that many who express interest in me have poor dating etiquette. As a disabled woman, this presents unique issues when I reveal my disability on my dating profile, or if it comes up in conversation on the first date.

A few of the etiquette missteps may be due to awkwardness and anxiety about the whole dating process, but some of it crosses the line to being blatantly inappropriate, nosey, and rude. I am truly amazed by suitors who believe it's perfectly fine to ask invasive questions in the very beginning, especially when they do not even know my name yet. I refuse to accept that these people are clueless, but I am afraid they are.

For the #ResolveToRespect campaign, I wanted to share a few dating etiquette tips when approaching disabled women you have an interest in. Most of what I am going to discuss is based on common sense, but we all know that common sense is not as robustly possessed at it should be.

Stop Asking Inappropriate Questions

If it is not a question you would ask in front of your Grandmother, consider it highly offensive or uncomfortable to ask a stranger you are seeking to date.

There is nothing wrong with being inquisitive, but many dating prospects do not know the difference between natural curiosity, and downright nosiness that is invasive. If you want to get to know someone, those personal questions can be touched on as rapport is built; let that process occur as it should.

And for women on the receiving end of those questions, vocalize your discomfort and be ardent about it; if they continue to inquire after being told you feel uneasy, that is a tell-tale sign of someone who will not respect the boundaries you set, and who will not respect you. In that case, run, roll, limp, or skip away and do not look back.

Do Not Make Sexual Jokes or Innuendos

This goes back to the first point - if you would not say it in front of Grandma, do not say it to the lady you think is attractive. Yes, some women like to know they are attractive, but it can become objectifying. When sexual insinuations are made, it seems like all you are seeking is sex, and not the person. Using risqué jokes to break the ice is a no-no, too. And for the love for all that is good and right, no solicited pictures should be sent!

When prospects make these jokes or statements, call them out on it. Do not be afraid to say how you want to be talked to or what you want to discuss. And if that is not abided by, then you know what to do.

Do Read the Profile before Sending That Message

It always amazes me when interested persons ask me about myself when I give a good account on my dating profile. Those kind of messages let me know that they did not read the profile, so I keep it rolling/moving. It takes about a minute to skim a profile page - do the work.

Yes, I Am Disabled, but I Am Not Your Inspiration

I have eye-rolling moments when men message me solely about how "inspirational" I am because I share my disability and profession on my profile.Stop sending those kinds of messages to us!We get enough inspirational mess in our day-to-day lives, and that is not being sought after in the dating experience. Your "feel-good" message is read as worthy of deletion.

Treat Me Like All the Other Non-Disabled Women You Approach

Along with not approaching us with well-meaning but annoying sentiments, discontinue acting like you have to treat us differently from non-disabled women. Disabled women are the same as other women; we may just move, communicate, and think differently, but that is where it ends. We are not porcelain dolls that need to be tended to or protected; we want a partner, not a care assistant. Most importantly, we want to be viewed, treated, and respected as equal to you and not as being inferior because we are disabled.

If you cannot see us as equal partners, then our time need not be wasted.

Dating Is Supposed to Be Fun - Stop Making It Feel Like Recruitment

Some prospects make it feel as if you're applying for a federal government job during the dating process. This occurs when the desperation is so thick that you could cut it with a butter knife. Dating is supposed to be fun - you are getting to know a new person and seeing if you mesh well. When you make someone feel as if they are completing an application process when we are at the introductory phase, it sucks all the joy out of it. Yes, matters of the heart are serious business, but if we cannot have a good time while we become acquainted, then why even bother?

Be Engaging - Put Down Your Dang Phone!

When we are talking on the phone or in video chat, or if we are at an outing, be centered and focused in the moment. There is nothing worse than someone not engaging in the conversation, as you are left wondering if they are bored with you.

Ghosting Is Not Cool

If you figure out that we are not compatible, just say so. Ghosting on someone is rude; I would rather know upfront if you just want to be friends rather than waiting for us to plan a second date or get a reply to my text.Man/woman/they up, and just say that you are not that into it - it's better to know the truth than to be left hanging.

Be You, Not Your Representative

Be yourself. If you are nerdy, quirky, awkward, and everything in between, show us! We are going to see it anyway - why hide the real you? We are not trying to date a fantasy here - we want to date you! And that includes all of your weird traits, which we may think are cute or intriguing.

Take Me As I Am

This is probably the most important etiquette rule of all - this is me, and I am not changing to fit whatever expectations you have of me. We are not your ex or your favorite celebrity crush; we are unique, and have amazing qualities to appreciate, love, and cherish. To ignore that is to not see us fully - and honestly, no one should date a person who does not respect their personhood in its entirety.

These 10 dating etiquette tips are ones I have encountered at some point as I date and mingle. None of them, however, have made me feel that I will never meet my special person. I know that I deserve and am worthy of being loved unconditionally in the regard I am seeking. I hope that each of you realize the same thing, and will not accept anything less.

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Take Me as I Am: Dating and Disability Etiquette

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by Vilissa K. Thompson, LMSW. As a single woman on the dating scene, I find that many who express interest in me have poor dating etiquette. As a disabled woman, this presents unique issues when I reveal my disability on my dating profile, or if it comes up in conversation on the first date.