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so i picked this one because it cover the more psychological effects of divorce on children

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The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children

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Find out how kids deal with the emotional impact of divorce. Learn ways you can reduce the likelihood they will experience long-lasting effects.

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I chose this article because it has surveys based on divorced kids experiences

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Credit: Dreamstime

In marriages with a lot of conflict, "staying together for the kids" might do more harm than good, a new study suggests.

Children of parents who fight a lot yet stay married experience more conflict in their own adult relationships than children of parents who fight and do get a divorce.

"The basic implication is, 'Don't stay together for the sake of the children if you're in a high conflict marriage,'" said study researcher Constance Gager, of Montclair State University in New Jersey.

Relationship surveys

Some studies have shown children of divorced parents are more likely to get a divorce themselves, but it was not completely clear whether it was the divorce itself or the parents' conflict that had the greater impact on a child's relationships.

Gager and her colleagues analyzed the results of a national survey involving nearly 7,000 married couples and their children in the United States.

The parents were first surveyed in 1987. They were asked questions to gauge their level of marital conflict, including how often they disagreed over money, household tasks, the in-laws and other topics that might spur an argument.

Then between 1992 and 1993, both parents and children were surveyed. Children had to be at least 10 to be included, with 1,952 participants meeting the criteria. The researchers also assessed how the parents' conflict changed between the two surveys, including whether the couple got a divorce.

The children, now adults aged 18 to 34, were again surveyed between 2001 and 2002. The participants, who were either married or cohabiting, were asked about their level of happiness and conflict in their current relationship.

Divorcing decisions

Children who grew up in high conflict families fared better in their adult relationships if their parents got a divorce.

The results held even after the researchers took into account other factors that could have influenced the children's relationships when they were older, such as the whether the participants acted out as a children or had trouble getting along with others.

That isn't to say divorce doesn't affect children in the short-term, the researchers say.

"There is research to show in the short-term, kids go through a one- to two-year crisis period when their parents divorce, but that they are resilient, and they come back from that divorce," Gager said.

Constant exposure to their parents' strife is likely what causes children's future relationships to suffer, the researchers say.

"If they're constantly exposed to conflict, and the parents stay together, that means there's many more years they're exposed to conflict by their parents," Gager told LiveScience. "Whereas if their parents get divorced, at least there's a chance the parents will have less conflict after the divorce," she said.

In contrast, parents' happiness did not appear to affect the children's adult relationships - children of happily married parents did not necessarily grow up to have happy partnerships themselves.

The researchers presented the study last year at the Annual Meetings of the Population Association of America and are currently preparing the work for publication in a scientific journal.

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In marriages with a lot of conflict, "staying together for the kids" might do more harm than good, a new study suggests. Children of parents who fight a lot yet stay married experience more conflict in their own adult relationships than children of parents who fight and do get a divorce.

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I chose this article because it seems to have a lot of information on the effects of divorce on children.

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I chose this one because it also had a lot of information and facts which were done by a actual child therapist.

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As parents and/or as mental health professionals, we might assume divorce always has a negative emotional impact on children. When children are exposed to chronic conflict between their parents, however, divorce may be a better choice for parents than staying together and continuing to expose children to the chronic conflict.

Living under one roof can be extremely stressful for parents who might otherwise consider divorce but are working hard to both keep the family together and meet financial obligations. The impact of this stress often contributes to chronic conflict among the parents, and when children are exposed to this conflict and stress, they experience stress themselves.

Often the chronic conflict that occurs while the family is under one roof becomes the norm for children, who can be compared to barometers, or little instruments that measure atmospheric pressure. Children "measure" the conflict and stress, and their behavior often reflects what they experience.

How Are Children Affected by Chronic Conflict?

Children who experience distress as a result of chronic conflict between parents may be impacted negatively in a number of ways. As they grow up, they may lack role models for healthy relationships. When parents put all of their energy into the conflict existing between them, both the relationship with the children and the ability to parent may be impacted. If conflict is particularly harsh or volatile, children may learn and model a lack of respect for others. Often, children may also find it difficult to trust others or develop faith in healthy, positive relationships, and these effects may impact their adult relationships.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership.

When parents project the negative energy created by chronic conflict, children are more inclined to feel pressure to take sides, and they often absorb the negative energy projected by vocal fighting and arguing. Thus they are then placed in the position of having to deal with adult problems they shouldn't be exposed to.

Separation of the parents can often relieve the stress at the root of the chronic conflict. When parents separate or divorce, there are certainly transitions and adjustments to be made by the children, and indeed the whole family, but the stresses of daily living under one roof are often relieved, and relationships among family members are likely to improve.

What Factors Determine How Well Children Adjust?

Parents who model positive relationship behaviors, including ending partnerships that are unhealthy, toxic, or simply not working out, can show their children everyone deserves to be in happy and healthy relationships. By not settling for less themselves, they can help their children learn to make similar choices.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership. If there is no way to reduce the level of conflict between parents, the children are unlikely to derive any benefit from their parents staying together when levels of relationship conflict are high and unlikely to lower.

Through my work with individuals in my practice, I have found three key factors typically determine how well children will adjust to divorce:

1. The quality of the relationship the children have with each parent prior to the divorce

2. The length of time the chronic conflict has occurred as well as the intensity of the conflict

3. The ability of the parents to make the needs of the children a priority during the divorce

Per my professional experience, it is the conflict and the quality of communication between the divorced parents, not the divorce itself or who the children live with, that is the largest factor determining how well children will adjust to the divorce. The mother's attitude toward the father has a significant impact on the amount of time and the quality of time fathers have with their children after divorce. This is not to say it is the mother's responsibility to ensure that fathers step up for their children. However, when one parent openly display a negative attitude toward the other parent, the likelihood of that parent withdrawing more from the children's lives is increased. If this happens, the children will likely experience a negative emotional impact.

It is just as important for both parents (of any gender) to remain openly respectful and collaborate regarding the needs of the children. It is important for the parent without primary custody to make seeing their children consistently a priority, in order for a quality relationship to endure. Further, the parent paying child support should make certain to pay it in a timely manner and continue to take responsibility for continued involvement with their children's schooling and activities (sports, lessons, performances, and so on).

Adolescents who have difficulty adjusting to divorce have typically experienced a lengthy period of high conflict both before and during the divorce. Adolescents who are able to adjust well typically come from a situation where parents collaborated and negotiated based on what was in the best interest of the children.

Positive Outcomes for Children

Per my observations from working with families affected by divorce or separation, the following are some positive results that can be the outcome for some children after divorce:

Children often become more resilient and adaptable because they must develop coping strategies for adapting to different situations and to change.

Due to the change in income often experienced, children often have to become more self-sufficient, as both parents are most likely working. Even when one parent was able to stay at home before the divorce, that parent will most likely need to work after the divorce, and children, accordingly, must often take more responsibility for household chores.

Children who experience divorce are more likely to have increased empathy for others. When children who experience divorce observe others they care about having difficulty, it often resonates more, and they become more accepting of the various problems and situations experienced by others.

Children are often able to have more quality time with each parent. Children from more traditional families often report being able to spend more time with their fathers after the divorce and experience benefit from that.

Children develop a recognition for the significance of the commitment marriage requires. Children from divorce sometimes develop a deeper understanding of the stakes involved when deciding to marry. Some children, especially as they reach young adulthood, often decide they do not want to repeat the dynamic they saw in their parents' relationships in their own relationships. They will often make special efforts to ensure their relationships are more stable and healthy as a result of experiencing chronic conflict between their parents and the resulting stress they experienced while growing up.

The bottom line is this: the happiness of our children, now or in the future, does not rest solely on the institution of marriage or divorce in and of themselves. Their happiness is based on routine, confidence in their relationships with their parents, and their perceptions of their parents as people of strong character. The fear of parental abandonment puts children at the greatest risk when there is chronic conflict and/or when divorce happens. Therefore, parents need to ensure, whether they stay married or decide to divorce, their relationships with their children are a top priority, primarily by including self-care and modeling healthy relationships. A qualified and compassionate professional can often be of assistance here!
References:

1. Mohi, G. W. (2015, September 22). Positive outcomes of divorce: A multi-method study on the effects of parental divorce on children. University of Central Florida Undergraduate Research Journal, 7(2). Retrieved from from https://www.urj.ucf.edu/docs/mohi.pdf.

2. Positive effects of divorce on children. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://divorce.laws.com/positive-effects-of-divorce-on-children

3. What are the effects of divorce on children? (n.d.). FamilyMeans. Retrieved from https://www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT

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Stay Together for the Kids? When Divorce Might Benefit Everyone

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As parents and/or as mental health professionals, we might assume divorce always has a negative emotional impact on children. When children are exposed to chronic conflict between their parents, however, divorce may be a better choice for parents than staying together and continuing to expose children to the chronic conflict.

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I chose this one because it list reason why not getting a divorce will end up hurting kids instead

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When I was 10 years old and my dad told me he was divorcing my mom, I don't think I reacted like I was expected to, with heartbreak and tears; instead, I felt calm. I did cry a bit, but I knew the divorce had been a long time coming.

Looking back now, as an adult, I can say for certain that my dad's choice to leave my mom was the best one, both for himself and for me. The person I've turned into, despite being a " child of divorce," is one far more successful and happy than what I might've become had my mom remained a constant in my life.

There are a lot of reasons I feel this way, of course, and I want other parents to know that divorce isn't always the end of a child's happiness, or the promise that your child will turn out angry and traumatized later in life. Sometimes it may even be for the better, whether the child realizes it at the time or not.

1. The Spouse Spends What They Don't Have

Should one of the parents have a habit of maxing out their credit cards, taking money from the other parent, foregoing the family's needs because they saw something online they had to have, a big problem is being invited into the family home.

The breaking point for my father was when my mother quit her job to go on a vacation, without any plans for the future, without any job to return home to. Instead of considering what risk it put the family in, she instead decided that she would worry about that later. Nevermind paying the bills, the mortgage, buying food, buying gas... should one of the parents not line up with the financial desires of the other, there's more being put at risk than simply not being able to go out to dinner or the movies on a weekend.

Should this be a parental example in a child's life, there are chances the child will either become a "spendaholic" as well, or perhaps turn into a money-miser and refuse to spend the money on the things they actually need. Both are extremes, and both are unhealthy habits to develop. After all, for the first decade or two of their lives, parents are a child's only access and training in terms of money handling - so if one spouse performs differently than the other, it only invites confusion.

2. The Spouse Is an Addict

While this may seem obvious, many people don't understand the kind of influence an addicted parent can have on a child. Whether it's prescription pain medication or alcoholism, children see what the parents do, and by their nature, will imitate.

In terms of alcoholism and having an effect on your child, there is a fine line to walk. A parent doesn't have to be a raging drunk every night in order to have an effect; they don't have to be arrested with an unusual DUI charge they don't have to have the fridge stocked full of booze. When a child watches an adult drinking alcohol, they should be learning how to do so responsibly, as well as when times are considered "inappropriate/appropriate" for drinking, how to be safe while getting tipsy, etc. If your spouse or significant other doesn't involve their position as a parent into their drinking habits, it may be a red flag.

3. The Spouse Remains Ambitionless

Particularly for children reaching their older years of adolescence, it's incredibly important that they have a parent who shows ambition, and drive to achieve their goals, whether that be in the home, at work, or life in general. Children who set personal goals are more likely to achieve them if they learned healthy success-related habits from their parents.

Should one of their parents not show these traits, however, it can lead to confusion and questioning. They will see one parent working hard to meet their goals, and the other who might remain in bed watching TV all day, and soon they may begin wondering, "Why should I have to do anything I don't want to, when Mom/Dad doesn't?" "Why would I want to get a job when mom/dad doesn't have to?"

Children learn from what they see and experience, particularly in the household. With this in mind, it's easy to understand how mixed signals such as these could be so detrimental to their lifelong outlook and ability to reach their goals.

4. Children Misunderstanding What It Means to Be "In Love"

Two parents do not have to be constantly at each others' throats in order to demonstrate an unhealthy relationship to children. Should you and your spouse keep from showing affection, intimacy, and general happiness while together, there's a possibility a child's opinion on "healthy" relationships might be skewed.

For example, a toddler grows up with two parents who are unhappy with one another - whether that is because one spouse refuses to participate while the other initiates, or the two simply no longer click as a couple. With this relationship, the toddler might never see their parents kissing, hugging, giving one another compliments, holding hands, all of the small things that show affection between two people.

And so, as the child grows, they may find themselves alienated from the world of dating and relationships, because they simply have no idea how such things are supposed to look and supposed to work. Without the guidance of their parents' example, they might struggle to build actual successful intimate relationships for themselves. This unfortunate perspective can even extend past dating relationships into friendships, and even their methods in treating animals or pets. They may become a "hands-off" pet owner, because they simply never learned how to be affectionate and caring physically - and anyone with a dog knows how troubling that might be for a pet.

5. Children Can Finally Understand What It Means to Be "In Love"

While this section is less of a warning sign and more of a merit, it's a continuation of my points in number four.

A lot of parents fear what'll happen when/if they ever remarry, and how a child might treat their new stepparent. Had the child grown up in an unhappy, unloving, and unaffectionate household, however, the change of pace will be a breath of fresh air, and a lesson in how a marriage is actually supposed to be.

Instead of only knowing marriage to be an emotionless relationship, they'll see that, in fact, marriages are supposed to be about mutual love and care, as well as support and communication. With this new example in their lives, they will be able to develop new ideals concerning relationships, changing their overall opinions from marriages being "void of feeling" to "a commitment based in love and respect."

On top of finally experiencing what it's like to witness a successful relationship, your new spouse will likely also contribute in teaching a child better habits that they may have never formed whilst under the same roof as their previous parent. Goal-setting, financial responsibility, the things that they might've garnered the wrong idea about while mimicking your previous spouse.

In Conclusion

While divorce is a sticky subject all around, there is no cut-and-dry end product that children of divorce are destined to end up as. Not all children develop addictions, struggle in their personal relationships, rebel against their single parent, struggle in school or at work.... For a lot of kids with divorced parents, the divorce might've been the only thing keeping them from ending up as another statistic, or a part of one of the groups listed above. Once the bad influence is removed from their life, only then are they able to learn what it means to be good, forgiving, affectionate, and successful.

If you've been considering divorce for some time, but are hesitant because you believe it may leave a bad mark on your children and their future, instead take a look at your relationship from their point of view, and their point of view as an eventual adult. Does your spouse exhibit symptoms and habits that might lead your children down a path less than ideal? If so, it might be time to take the plunge.
Kelsey's parents divorced while she was young, and she was raised by her single father, to which she carries the utmost respect and love. While a child of divorce, she wants to show people that it's not always an end-of-the-world situation, and can actually end up being ideal for both spouses and the family as a whole.

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5 Signs That Divorce Is Better for the Kids - Divorce Magazine

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When I was 10 years old and my dad told me he was divorcing my mom, I don't think I reacted like I was expected to, with heartbreak and tears; instead, I felt calm. I did cry a bit, but I knew the divorce had been a long time coming.

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Children can still be happy after a divorce 

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Children can still be happy after a divorce 

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I chose this article because it had a lot of information in it

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When we first started talking about splitting up, our child was the main reason I told myself I couldn't do it. While I believed he'd be fine, I also suspected he'd be more fine if I were in a happy, intact marriage. Sure, research shows that the vast majority of kids of divorce show no lasting negative effects on their grades or social skills, life satisfaction or self-esteem. But what about those tiny, subtle shocks that don't register on a study? Wasn't a marginal marriage a better choice, really, than no marriage at all?

Well, no. For one thing, staying in my marriage was no longer an option. Secondly, the more I began talking to researchers, clinicians, divorced parents and adult children of divorce, the more it became apparent that I could raise a happy, healthy child in a variety of scenarios-including not being married to his dad.

It seems hard to believe. Intuitively, we just know that children should be raised by two married parents living together. Preferably with a floppy dog lounging by the fireplace, one or two siblings, and organic herbs springing from a kitchen window garden. But an avalanche of studies over the past 40 years shows that this isn't what they need.

Research shows that about 80-percent of children of divorce adapt well and see no lasting negative effects on their grades, social adjustment, or mental health. These findings arrive from a variety of sources, including a 20-year study done by psychologist Constance Ahrons, published as the book We're Still Family. Development psychologist Mavis Hetherington's work following 2,500 children of divorce also showed about 80-percent of the kids doing well, as did a 2012 meta-survey analyzing about a thousand studies on childhood adjustment done over the last four decades, conducted by child development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb.

Michael Lamb's meta-study, " Mothers, Fathers, Families, and Circumstances: Factors Affecting Children's Adjustment," sums up the features of a supportive childhood:

Children do well when they have good relationships with both parents or primary caregivers, adults who basically get along. But those parents don't need to be married or living in the same house.

Children benefit from emotionally stable parents-adults who are recuperated enough, in the case of divorce, to focus on the basic job of parenting, including establishing stability, exercising fair discipline, providing love and being emotionally responsive. But those parents need not be married or living in the same house.

Children need adequate resources such as food, safe housing, and social support. But they don't need a mansion with every toy available, and those resources can be provided by parents who are not married or living in the same house.

What Lamb's exhaustive overview and the work of dozens of other scholars shows is that marriage isn't what matters so much to a child's wellbeing, but rather a loving relationship with parents who aren't embroiled in conflict, and a decent home life. All families have good times and bad, and children face any number of disappointments as they grow. Divorce is a subset of parenting, not some freakish, outlier experience.

"The mere fact that the majority of children raised in single-parent or divorced families are well-adjusted undercuts the argument that children 'need' to be raised in traditional families. These process factors, rather than family structure, affect adjustment in both traditional and non-traditional families," said Lamb.

For my own divorce, I came up with these Five Principles for Positive Co-Parenting:

1. Because we know that high conflict between the parents is one of the most damaging experiences for children, we can foster cooperation with our co-parent, and work to squash conflict.

2. Because we know that children benefit from stability, we can focus on establishing new routines that work in our newly structured lives.

3. Without a spouse around to blame for, well, everything, we can let divorce challenge us to be a better, more focused parent and to bring our personal strengths to our child-rearing. We also can look for ways that the very characteristics of our ex that annoyed us in marriage ("He's such a neat freak!" or "All she cares about is hiking!") may benefit our children; how great to have one parent who likes the outdoors.

4. We can create positive moments for our children that have nothing to do with the state of their parents' love life. We can foster engagement in outside activities and with other supportive adults.

5. Because we understand that being emotionally present for our children rests on our own recuperation, we can prioritize taking care of the care-givers, ourselves.

I often think about Elizabeth, a twenty-something from a tiny Texas town whose parents divorced when she was two. As a child, she and her mother lived with her grandparents, while her dad moved to a cattle ranch nearby. Her mother worked hard to develop and maintain a wide circle of family friends, and her parents remain cordial to this day. Rather than feeling isolated, the divorce wound up broadening her sense of support. "I felt more loved than I think I would have had they stayed married," Elizabeth told me.

Parenting while divorced may require some new education, some extra attention paid to your own mental and physical state, and to your children's. But neither my child, nor yours, are lifelong victims because their parents didn't stay married. We have a great deal of control over the home life and the quality of the relationships we create.

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Yes, You Can Raise Happy Children After Divorce

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Intuitively, we feel that children should be raised by two married parents living together. But an avalanche of studies over the past 40 years shows that this isn't what they need. Research shows that about 80-percent of children of divorce adapt well and see no lasting negative effects on their grades, social adjustment, or mental health.