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There are many children in today’s world that are lacking parental guidance. Research shows that children, particularly teenagers, are susceptible to reaching out to their friends when their parents are not around to guide them. Teens this day in age are highly intrigued by their peers, if there is a lack of guidance from parents, it is likely that they will fall into things that are not suitable for them at the appropriate age.

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Parental Guidance
Requires communication, trust and unconditional love.

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Verses, no communication, no trust, and a teenager who shuts down and becomes involved in things he/she should not be. 

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Verses, no communication, no trust, and a teenager who shuts down and becomes involved in things he/she should not be. 

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Peer pressure is a real thing, and it is also a great place to start when trying to find out where the new influences are coming from. Not living up to what the challenge is at school or within a group of friends can make or break a teens reputation. Choosing to do something you would not otherwise do, because you want to feel accepted or valued by your friends is peer pressure, it is not always about doing something against your will (RaisingChildren).

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What we as parents can do to help with peer pressure... 

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What we as parents can do to help with peer pressure... 

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As parents we need to take this definition serious and know that it’s a very real thing that our children are up against daily. We can take the situations that they are going through and talk with them about their current situations, rather than what are situations were as children. They want to feel like they are being heard, and that it is about them. While telling your child about your teenage years and the “what not to do’s”, is a good start, it is not the pressured situation they are in. We need to listen, and I found that it is most effective when it is on their time, not ours.

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Reality check! It's your teens vision with parental guidance!

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Reality check! It's your teens vision with parental guidance!

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I realized that my teen is human, just like me. She is her own person, and as I guide her in life, she still will make her own decisions. They might not be what I have envisioned, but as long as I can provide a positive influence in her life, she will create her own identity with great meaning.

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“As much as you would like your kids to genetically find interest in the things you love to do, they are their own individual with their own identity, have their own drives, desires, passions and interests to discover for themselves (Psych Alive).”

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Psychalive - Psychology for Everyday Life - PsychAlive

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One of the most profound influences on the way we behave in relationships is our early attachment patterns.

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What they are at risk for if they are not kept busy and involved in sports and or extracurricular activities...

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What they are at risk for if they are not kept busy and involved in sports and or extracurricular activities...

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According to Ukiah police department, in a recent article, teens who are involved in physical activity have been proven to improve academically. Crime statistics show that the highest risk for a teenage becoming a victim of a violent crime is the hours immediately following the end of the school day. Studies also show that teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behaviors- smoke, drink or do drugs- during these after school hours (Ukiah Police).

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Last week I provided some tips on keeping students safe, focusing primarily on elementary and middle school students. This week, I'd like to share some thoughts on how to keep high school students safe. The short answer is, "Keep them busy."

Both physical activity and extracurricular activity have been proven to improve academic achievement. Crime statistics show that the highest risk for a teenager becoming a victim of a violent crime is the hours immediately following the end of the school day. Studies also show that teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behaviors - smoke, drink, or do drugs - during these after school hours.

Common sense tells us that if teens are busy with productive activities, they are less likely to become a victim of a crime, or engage in dangerous activities.

Sometimes I hear people say there's nothing to do in Ukiah. I can't disagree more!

There are more opportunities in Ukiah than I can describe. There are school-sponsored activities like sports, performing arts, clubs, and academic tutoring. There are community-based activities like volunteering at the Boys & Girls Club and spending time at the Arbor on Main. Many local businesses offer teens part-time jobs.

Can't think of anything? The Ukiah Daily Journal publishes volunteer opportunities every week.

The main idea is to get involved with something:

Sports (individual and team-based), Martial Arts, Performing Arts (dance, chorus, theater), Boys & Girls Club, learn to play an instrument (individual or part of a band/group), tutoring, Math-Engineering-Science-Achievement (MESA), organized high school clubs, 4-H, Future Farmers of America, BMX, Photography, Art (ceramics, drawing, painting, sculpture), and volunteering/service projects - lots of non-profits could use good help.

Each of these activities will help a teenager later, in getting a job, creating a resume' or completing a college application.

While many teens with time on their hands make good choices, some don't. We'd all like to think our teens won't succumb to peer pressure or curiosity, but filling their time with positive activities reduces those opportunities for risky behavior. Studies show that teens who do not participate in after school activities are nearly three times more likely to skip classes or use marijuana or other drugs; they are also more likely to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and engage in unsafe sexual activity.

After school programs can also offer other intangibles - the opportunity to engage in activities that help young people realize they have something to contribute to the group; the opportunity to work with diverse peers and adults to create projects, performances, and presentations that receive accolades from their families and the larger community; and the opportunity to develop a vision of life's possibilities that with commitment and persistence, are attainable.

Finding a path as a teenager can be difficult; sometimes that path can be unsafe or destructive. Finding productive paths for the future is extremely important for teens. To start, "Keep them busy."

The data is clear - after school activities help prevent young people from committing, or becoming victims of a crime.

I'll post this column on our website (www.ukiahpolice.com) in case you'd like to refer to it later. Remember, our School Resource Officer and all Ukiah police officers are here to help you and your children. If you have questions or concerns about safety, please ask us.

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Last week I provided some tips on keeping students safe, focusing primarily on elementary and middle school students. This week, I'd like to share some thoughts on how to keep high school students safe. The short answer is, "Keep them busy." Both physical activity and extracurricular activity have been proven to improve academic achievement.

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Teenage years are rough, not just for the parents, but for teens as well. The pressure they endure can be very stressful. As long as they have people to trust, and to talk to, it will allow them to have an outlet and not hold things in that maybe causes them to act out. Teens need more love than they can appear to show, a simple, “how was your day today?” can mean the world to them. Although teenagers can come off as quiet, only interested in their friends and electronics, in reality they crave attention from those that they love, and they want to communicate, they just need to have trust and guidance from their parents in order to speak up.

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Research knowledge, and being connect to family!

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Research knowledge, and being connect to family!

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I learned within this research is that, every time she interacts with some aspect of family structure, whether in consent or complaint or conflict, the adolescent connects herself to that primary social unit. If you want to keep your adolescent connected to family, keep that family structure firmly in place (Psychology Today). Keeping your teen close to home and being consistent with your guidance will allow them to persevere when challenges arise.

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This blog comes out of a talk with parents of teenagers during which a lot of questions dealt with the difficulty of staying connected to their young person during adolescence, that age of mutual detachment when both parties struggle with challenges of maintaining a satisfying closeness while increasingly letting each other go.

This blog is twice as long as usual, but I wanted the content all in one place.

For parents, detaching and letting go their teenager does not mean abandonment. It means allowing more freedom so the young person can learn worldly knowledge from broader experience, and more responsibility from dealing with consequences that choices bring. At the same time, parents must remain an essential player in the teenager's life during this trial and error process of growing up.

So, in no particular order, what follows are just 10 suggestions for staying connected with their changing teenager as adolescence grows them apart, which it is meant to do.

1) BRIDGE DIFFERENCES WITH INTEREST. Twin goals of adolescence are developing an Independence that works and an Individuality that fits. A fitting individuality is only discovered from experimenting with different interests and images, usually contrasted to those of the child and to those of parents. Confronting an unfamiliar interest in their teenager (entertainment, recreational, or social, for example), and one not to their tastes, parents may choose to criticize or simply ignore it, treating it as one more difference that is setting them apart. Instead, they could choose to bridge the difference with interest, asking if the teenager would explain or tutor them in what they have no experience understanding. "Can you help me appreciate me what you love about that music?" "Can you show me how to play that computer game?" Now, not only does the difference become a vehicle for connection, but it does so in an esteem-filling way for adolescent. Cast in the role of expert, the teenager can act as teacher while the parent assumes the role of student wanting to learn. If you want to stay connected as your teenager differentiates, bridge emerging differences with interest.

2) USE NON-EVALUATIVE CORRECTION. Misunderstandings, mistakes, misdeeds are all part of the faltering path forward that young people follow through adolescence. Sometimes in frustration at a youthful misstep parents will indulge in criticism or even condemnation: "Keep acting this way and you'll never grow up!" Dooming the future does not encourage reform; it engenders discouragement. A negative parental judgment at the point of correction ("How could you have done such a stupid thing?") reduces incentive to change by increasing defensiveness against the hurtful charge. The rule is: at correction points, do not attack character; address choices only. The mantra is: "We disagree with the choice you have made, this is why, this is what we need to have happen now, and this is what we hope you can learn." If you want to stay connected when asserting discipline, use non-evaluative correction.

3) STICK TO SPECIFICS. There are of course times when parents need to address some point of concern with their adolescent. At these encounters the choice of language can make a significant difference, whether the parent talks in abstract/general or specific/objective terms. For example, in frustration, telling their adolescent she is being "inconsiderate" and "irresponsible" for her recent conduct certainly communicates parental dissatisfaction. However, this use of generalities doesn't encourage the adolescent to connect and collaborate with them on a solution to the problem. Rather, she disconnects, feeling attacked by such abstract name-calling. She is more inclined to self-defense than open discussion. Better to stick to a specific statement using what psychologist John Narciso calls "operational" language - talking in concrete terms about the behaviors, happenings, or events that need to be addressed. So parents can state their complaint by objectively describing their cause of concern. "We need to talk about your borrowing our belongings and then returning them in a damaged state." If you want to stay connected during normal objection points, stick to specifics.

4) VALUE ARGUMENTS AS COMMUNICATION. A form of active adolescent resistance is more arguing with the parental powers that be. Most parents don't welcome this opposition, quickly wearying of it, often wanting to shut it down. "Stop arguing with me!" However, adolescent arguing is the young person telling a lot about themselves as they declare whatever it is they want or don't want to have happen and why. Shut arguing down and not only do parents disconnect communication; they lose the chance to learn more about the teenager from their prime informant, the adolescent themselves. Certainly they can address the language used so that it is respectful and safe. The question for parents to ask themselves, however, is whether they want a speaking up or a shutting up adolescent? The teenager who never argues is much harder to know and is often more evasive to deal with. What works better is parents giving the young person a full hearing, even encouraging argument out. "Can you tell me more? Can you help me better understand." If you want to stay connected as differences between you and your adolescent naturally grow, treat arguments as valued communication.

5) WELCOME ADOLESCENT FRIENDS. As the growing adolescent wants less time with parents and more with peers, parents can feel socially set aside, even feel threatened by this competing social attachment. However, treating the teenager's companions as social competition or even as the enemy because they represent unfamiliar social differences can cause parents to disconnect from their teenager by refusing acceptance of her or his friends. Friends are part of one's growing social identity, and by rejecting these associations, parents not only end up rejecting their adolescent, they also allow ignorance from noncontact to amplify fears of their teenager's new companions. A huge part of parents getting to know their adolescent is getting to know and interact with her or his friends. If you want to stay connected as your adolescent builds an independent social world, welcome adolescent friends.

6) PROVIDE FAMILY STRUCTURE. Although the adolescent pushes for independence of parents and is intolerant of their restraints, she still complies more than she resists. Why is that? Unlike the child who believes parents can command obedience, an adolescent now knows parents have no power to make her or stop her without her agreement and consent. "My choices are up to me!" This is a scary amount of freedom to possess. It is more than she can safely manage, and she knows it. In consequence, she reluctantly goes along with most of the family structure that parents provide - how they make demands, establish limits, organize routines, set expectations, give and deny permissions, supervise responsibilities, prescribe rules, require information, and provide direction and support. Every time she interacts with some aspect of family structure, whether in consent or complaint or conflict, the adolescent connects herself to that primary social unit. If you want to keep your adolescent connected to family, keep that family structure firmly in place.

7) STAY ACCESSIBLE FOR LISTENING. It's a common timing problem in communication between adolescent and parent. When the parent is ready to listen, the adolescent isn't ready to talk; and when the adolescent is ready to talk, the parent isn't ready to listen. What typically gets in the way of adolescent the talking is not being in the right frame of mind or mood to open up. What typically gets in the way of the parent listening is being busy or tired. And what typically gets in the way of talking and listening for both is preoccupation with higher priority electronic communication and entertainment. Talking + listening = connecting. Put off listening to their teenager until a more convenient later time, and when 'later' comes the openness to talking may be closed and the chance for connecting lost. If you want your adolescent to connect through communication, be accessible to listen at the time he wants to talk, and be willing to shut off or set aside other electronic diversions when you do.

8) EXPRESS APPRECIATION. It's easy for parents to forget the adolescent effort it takes to do what they want and not do what they don't want. It's tempting to simply take these positive acts of commission and omission for granted and let them pass unnoticed. However, marking them with parental appreciation turns them into powerful connection points. "I appreciate you taking care of homework without having to be asked." "I appreciate you not going along with what your friends decided to do." Appreciation is an act of recognition and goes counter to the common adolescent complaint: "My parents don't notice how much I do!" What tends to command parental attention is what goes wrong. However, mostly pay attention to problems with their teenager, and they risk the young person coming to believe that he is nothing but a collection of misdeeds and mistakes. Worse, sense of standing in the family can be affected by continual negative notice. The lower one's valued standing the family, the more disconnected from family one is likely to feel. If you want your adolescent to feel connected as a valued family member, express appreciation for the good they do and the bad they don't.

9) SUPPORT ADULT FRIENDSHIPS. Once adolescence begins, peers are really important for the same-age understanding and companionship they provide, although the outlook and experience they offer is immature. To help the young person connect with her older self and more mature potentialities, the influence of adult friends can help. Of course parents are the most salient adults, but because of their governing authority, they can't really be just friends. However, they can support the development of adult friendships elsewhere. Connecting with these adults, the adolescent can accept feedback, advice, and valuing which, if it came from parents, would more likely be discounted or discredited. "You're just saying that because you're my parent!" These adults can come from many quarters - teachers and coaches at school, adults in the extended family, youth activity directors, adult friends of parents, parents of peers, mentors, employers, tutors, and the like. If you want your adolescent to feel connected to the older generation and not just the younger one of peers, and to older potentialities, support adult friendships.

10) OFFER POSITIVE CHOICE POINTS. The great vulnerability detachment parenting an adolescent, who is in process of detaching from childhood and from them, is becoming less positively responsive and more negatively disposed. There is inevitable wear and tear on parents from coping with more separation, differentiation, and opposition as the teenager grows. This change is partly why detachment parenting an adolescent is more challenging than attachment parenting a child. Finding it harder to accept and enjoy, and easier to object and correct, parents can reduce positive overtures to their adolescent, and the relationship can suffer. "You're less fun to be with than you used to be!" charges the teenager. And he isn't lying. But making positive parental initiatives additionally difficult is how the adolescent often rejects their invitations. "Not right now." "I don't feel like it." "I don't want to." Parents must not be deterred by such rejections, because sometimes the adolescent will accept an invitation for talking together, sharing together, laughing together, recreating together, vacationing together, even working together. And when this acceptance is given, a satisfying connection is made. If you want to stay connected with your adolescent, keep offering positive choice points for engagement, even when these invitations are frequently refused.

Connected parenting an attached child comes easier than connected parenting a detached adolescent, but by hanging in there it can be done.

For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, "SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S ADOLESCENCE" (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week's entry: Adolescence and Honoring Agreements

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10 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Adolescent

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This blog comes out of a talk with parents of teenagers during which a lot of questions dealt with the difficulty of staying connected to their young person during adolescence, that age of mutual detachment when both parties struggle with challenges of maintaining a satisfying closeness while increasingly letting each other go.

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Understanding teenagers can be an unforeseen task. As well as very draining. You have to keep you teenagers busy, keep them involved in sports, being a part of a team teaches your child that it is not always about them, that others depend on them, not just the people in their household. They hold a value to others. Accountability is huge for teenagers, so by keeping them busy and providing them with the rewarding feeling of not only being a part of a team, but also showing them that they matter.

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Question: How important is it to a teenager for parents to guide them and be involved in their daily lives?

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Hear your teenager when they talk! LISTEN!!

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Hear your teenager when they talk! LISTEN!!

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When the parent is ready to listen, the adolescent isn’t ready to talk; and when the adolescent is ready to talk, the parent isn’t ready to listen. What typically gets in the way of adolescent the talking is not being in the right frame of mind or mood to open up. What typically gets in the way of the parent listening is being busy or tired (Psychology Today). Learning that communication is key is a challenge for a lot of people, let alone teenagers. As adults we struggle with it yet expect our adolescent to be able to communicate and be open with us at all times.

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It is very important for parents to keep track of their kid because if they don’t they can be doing things that they are not supposed to do. If they are not there to help guide us and be there for us, it is easier to do the wrong thing. Our parents are there to help us make better decisions when we are in doubt. If they are not there, then we are at risk for making the wrong choice (Lopez).

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Parenting is far from easy. At times we can feel as if we have failed. But as long as we communicate, and love them unconditionally they will trust us to guide them and support them in when things are great and when things are rough. In the end, they need us just as much as we need them.