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My whole life has been about feeling out of control, so in response I try to control every controllable aspect of my life I can. This includes my eating habits. For a long time, I stopped eating. I didn't mean to really, it was accidentally on purpose. My body just couldn't stomach the though of food and I wasn't one to try and force it. Eventually I worried my mom enough to have her call my doctor, and they wanted me to gain 10lbs. To put it into a perspective I was drawn to, I told myself that I may not be able to control my anxiety or depression, but I can control what I put into my body to fuel it; and thus began my journey into becoming a nutrition nut. I researched and tried to gobble up any bit of information on the best way to eat possible, so then I learned to cook. I gained some weight, I learned a skill, and I was happier for it. I learned that you really cant control every aspect of your life, you just have to accept that fact to be in control of your happiness.

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Agoraphobia, or the fear of venturing out to a place where you have previously had a panic attack, basically ostracized me to the containment of my room for a year. I was afraid to go outside, I was afraid to go to school, I was afraid to go downstairs. As part of my earliest interventions to try and stop the agoraphobia in its tracks, my therapists and doctors agreed to force me to go outside for at least 30 min a day. It was terrible. Slowly, I realized that if I was running I would not be as likely to have a panic attack, and thus began my adventures around Dexter's Drumlin. I live on George Hill RD, about a mile down the street from a large hill commonly called George Hill. Around the base of the hill contains a running path that is approximately two or so miles. When I first started running around the hill, repeatedly like clockwork, everyday; I began to realize that there was nothing to be afraid of outside, and it fact it was actually quite the stress reliever. From then on, whenever I am stressed I take a jaunt around the hill, watch the sun set from the peak of the hill, and put my problems into perspective; as when you're at the top of the hill, everything just seems so unimportant compared to the big picture, and for a short period of time, it feels like I am in control of my life.

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When you are having a panic attack, you are taught that breathing deeply and slowly is the first step in subsiding its effects. When I first heard this song, I instantly felt a connection to it. Within its simple lyrics hold a deep message, that a person can make it through the deepest of struggles if they just breathe, and take each step forward one by one. On the days I will have a particularly mentally challenging day, I will just listen to this song, and forgive myself for not being able to do it all.

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Sydney Meininger is my hero. Not because she has a disability, but because she doesn't care what anyone else thinks about her. Syd does not let anyone define her by her cat eye syndrome, and she makes it a point to prove to everyone around her that she is more capable of achieving greatness in the world every single day. As part of her disability, Sydney has had numerous surgeries, her most recent being jaw surgery in which they wired her jaw shut. I was a nervous wreck worrying about her all day during her surgery, but as soon as it was over I received a text from her. All the text said was, "I am alive." Syd is sassy, compassionate, and extremely intelligent; and Sydney is my best friend. She can kick my butt at basketball, soccer, and baseball; plus she has the most killer moves on the dance floor. You can always count on Syd to bring a smile to your face through her kind upbeat attitude towards life, and I will always strive to be as positive as her.

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When I was three, I met a girl named Emily. I honestly didn't think we would be friends, as she was everything I was not. Emily had no fear, she was always so outgoing even when we were in Kindergarten; and me being a more introverted, shy, and irritable child saw this as annoying. As time went on and forced playdates  constructed by our moms continued, we ended up both learning more about how the other one perceives things; and we became better people because of that.

One day when we were five, we were sitting on the carpet in class when the door opened. In came a girl, she was taller than me but short than Emily, thin with caramel colored skin and dark black hair, and her clothes were nothing like anyone else's. She was different, and I resented that. Emily however, was instantly drawn to her. Emily pulled me over and introduced us, the girl told us her name was Alondra and from that moment on Emily was determined that is three would be best friends. Everyday we would ride the bus together, play at school together, eat together, ride the bus home together, we were inseparable.

Emily taught me to have a kinder heart, to be compassionate for others, and to not be so afraid of what people think; and for that I am forever grateful.

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In the eighth grade, my panic disorder wouldn't allow me to leave my house anymore. I had begun to isolate myself withing the four walls of my room. After losing twenty pounds, my mom took me to the doctors. As a sort of self sabotage, my panic disorder had also brought a new friend, my major depression. At 14, with a panic disorder and depression, I felt alone. Grace however, pulled me through it, impacting my life in a way I thought no one could.

One day after a few months of lunches behind the closed doors in the nurses office, I was thrown back into the jungle, the middle school cafeteria. I was terrified, and I no longer was hungry as the knot that had formed in my stomach was like its own ocean, vast and never ending. Grace however, saw me behind the layers of emotional bubble wrap I had covered myself in. She sat with me, and offered me a clementine; and for once in what seemed like an eternity, I wasn't nauseous.

As we grew up, we continued to transform from friendly into inseparable. She eventually moved to Vermont, but three years later we still find a way to make the 200 mile difference work. She is constantly supporting me in everything I do, and I can only strive to offer half the amount of support she does.

Grace Marie Winick taught me that no matter how alone it seems you are, you're never truly without a person that cares.

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It follows me like a shadow,

Always lurking close behind

It wraps around my body,

Consuming me, controlling me

Pulling me in whichever direction it feels the urge to.

Blank ceilings, cold sheets, the smell of burning coffee grounds

Why bother getting up anymore

It whispers in my ears,

You're not good enough

Nobody likes you

Why even bother trying

You don't matter

My parents push me forward,

you're almost out of the dark,

Only a little further

My shadow whispering,

They don't even like you

They only feel obligated

They wish you were never born

So I lay down

And I lay down

And I lay down

Repeating the same cycle of giving in

To the beast that clings to me,

That thrives off my mind like the parasite it is

My stomach has become a war zone

I don't know what it's like to be hungry anymore

I don't know what it's like to keep anything down

My head aches,
lost in the maze it has created,
playing out and repeating every thing I have done wrong

My eyes burn

Red and bloodshot,

No it's not some cheap high

it's from hours of lying in bed while everyone else is silent,

I wanna be silent too,

Not in the healthy way though,

as my two doctors and psychiatrist tell me,

Have you been having any suicidal thoughts?

Why of course,

You would be too.

One pill

two pill

red pill

blue pill

If you take enough you can block everything out,
the numbing is good,
it takes away the pain

My brother can't look me in the eyes anymore,

Why does she see the doctor so much?

My sister is ashamed,

Her little freak sister, the one doped up and in therapy

We’re not related, she says

I think to myself well if my family doesn't love me at least my shadow does,

It's always there for me,

without it I would be translucent

My shadow consumes me

And I let it.