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MA403 Skills Development Showcase: Video Essay

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MA403 Skills Development Showcase: Video Essay

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This is my video essay for my Skills Development Showcase:

The appendices is below including References, SWOT, GIBB's Reflective Cycles & a collection of reflective journal entries.

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MA403 Skills Development Showcase Sam Bell Video Essay

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This SWOT analysis shows where I feel I'm at now regarding the internal and external factors.

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#11 Journal Entry: GIBBS Reflective Cycle: Mindset to tackling roadblocks as of 31st March '21

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#11 Journal Entry: GIBBS Reflective Cycle: Mindset to tackling roadblocks as of 31st March '21

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#10 Journal Entry: GIBBS Reflective Cycle: Retrospective to mindset at start of term. 

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#10 Journal Entry: GIBBS Reflective Cycle: Retrospective to mindset at start of term. 

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#9 Journal entry: 26/03/21 New Ends New Beginnings

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#9 Journal entry: 26/03/21 New Ends New Beginnings

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Initially starting out this development module, I can see looking back there was some confusion mixed with what I 'thought' I needed to work on.

Confusion about not knowing what my long term goal is. And my initial self-development plans from MA01 was based on getting through my self-doubt/motivation issues and time management.

Through reflection, research and mentoring with Nick, I have found that actually I'm very critical. Of myself and others. Whilst I don't 'feel' like an intellectual, trying to be intellectual has been my way of 'keeping safe'. Being told I was dyslexic in school, having people feel sorry for me or passing me off has deepened my own conditioned thinking. So to 'strive' and push, in anyway that I know how has always helped me feel "well if its wrong, at least I've shown full effort"... this always leads to unsatisfactory or mediocre results objectively.

It has served me well, but it also puts up barriers. These barriers create stress, a feeling of not ever being enough and because they are barriers based in intellect, in grasping knowledge, they are ultimately not permanent.  Something in me has always known this. But its taken some real introspection that I can't even explain in words to see that I've been getting in my own way.

Universal Understanding through all Humanity:
In my recent Facebook post (Journal entry #8) I shared how I'd always been trying to validate myself by attempting to do everything I could on guitar to impress people, be accepted, to get work etc. I had a lot of Musicians and Sports people reach out to me to say I'd somehow written down exactly how they felt. They felt a release & lightness from reading the post. I too felt this release for myself.

I don't have to be the greatest guitarist, or write an album (right now) I'm very lucky to have a great career in music, I know some amazing people, I've done some really fun things and I'm continuing along the road. I can participate in what I do, without it consuming me.

In the days after my post, I've not picked up a guitar (unless for teaching/work) I've not given myself the pressure of having to turn up and do something great. And actually its got me listening to music again and enjoying it. I've also picked up the guitar and accidently written things, because I wanted to, it was in my heart, not in my head. It wasn't for someone else, it wasn't even for me. It was for the joy of life, that I was pulled towards picking it up in the first place.

Meetings with Nick:
Through my meetings with Nick so far. The advice and experiments on 'being normal' and also being involved in my work without being super invested. To use the analogy of an actor pretending to hang of a cliff edge. I'm supported, life is supporting. I've been overlooking what I already have to some extent. This doesn't mean I don't wish to develop what I do, in fact now it gives me more motivation to develop. But instead of it being a horrible chore, something that I'll disappoint myself with, its a theatrical play. I can be fully involved without being invested. This brings lightness to what I do, it feels more authentic and I find new things that I wouldn't have found if my glass had already been full up in the first place.

Pragmatic and practical prognosis so far:

I now see potential to go further, on my own terms. Not based upon my desire to be liked and accepted by everyone.

This not only effects my personal mental health and creativity. But also the aspects of Time Management, Motivation and tackling self-doubt.

Time Management, I'm able to relax into each task, focus IN it rather than on and around it. There's a sense of surrender to the task. A welcoming of what needs to be done. (This also helps with motivation)

On the subject of Motivation, this has been addressed with the underlying 'why' I've found it hard to do stuff for myself but find it easier to do for others.  When I did stuff for myself, I felt it was life or death, it had to be some kind of super human thing so people would think it was the best thing ever. Rather than an expression of the moment, of who I 'am'. The motivation is now Life, because there is the luxury of being able to create, to teach, to serve and to play for the joy of it.

Self-Doubt: Well the first thing  I've  moved from intellect to a feeling is that there is no 'self' to doubt in the first place, its a construct of thoughts, perceptions and sensations. Understanding that we're all this knowing awareness, that accepts all experience, rather than the knower how tries to control the universe from a limited perspective has helped me loosen up my stiff 'Sam Bell-ness' a little bit.  Its work in progress. But it means there is more playfulness, less seriousness and more attention to what is rather than what isn't.

One last meeting..

I have 2 more meetings available with Nick, the next one is on the 1st April. The second one will be after the submission deadline for MA703. I shall reflect after this meeting on the 1st.

Formative Feedback:

I had formative feedback on this journal, the general feedback was based around the quality of my journaling so far. But to also bring in GIBBS cycles and the 5 reflective domains. I'm currently going back to my earlier entries and where natural and relevant, I'll balance them out.

I have created two reflective GIBB's cycle's. One referencing how I remember things going at the start of term, based on how I was working through problems/seeing the world at the start of the semester. And an up to date GIBBs reflection addressing how my understanding has helped my process of reflection now and the action plan going ahead.

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#8 Journal entry: 20/03/21 Facebook Post Reflection

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#8 Journal entry: 20/03/21 Facebook Post Reflection

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An apology:

Disclaimer: I’m writing about my experience here with two aims, the first being to hopefully resonate with fellow musicians who are caught up in the whole ‘make or break’ mentality of musicianship. And two, for my own clearness.

I started playing when I was 5/6 years old. I loved music. I was a quiet kid, people thought I’d be a vicar or a mathematician. However, Guitar kinda stuck to me. Being a ‘Guitarist’ was a huge thing for me when I was a kid. It made me stand out, it made me interesting to other people. It became like a ‘free pass’, people would treat me differently or at least I felt I didn’t have to do certain things, because I had ‘Guitar’.

Guitar could have been anything. I could have been a Skateboarder, Fisherman, Train spotter. It didn’t matter, Guitar became something that I could build my identity around. Something I could do and escape from life itself. And most of all, to have validation as a human being... (or so I thought)

Later on, upon going to collage and meeting musicians who had more motivation than me, other musicians who appeared to love it just as much as I appeared to love it was inspiring for the most part. But there was also a subconscious threat. Because I subconsciously treated guitar like an identity, it was easily flawed. My motivation wasn’t pure. So in turn, I felt I had to get better to validate myself rather than express myself.

This push to validate myself has been useful. Its gained me a career in music which feeds me and enables me to support society in small ways. I’ve attained a pretty good level of playing that allows me to do lots of different things in the music industry. And there is a love for music. However, this validation also led right to fear based practice. This led to me becoming an even bigger jerk than I realised I was at the time.

I remember having the luxury of going on a big family holiday 7 years ago to Thailand. Most of my family were out there for a big wedding. We were there for 2 weeks. I HAD to take my guitar, not for any professional reason, but just to have it with me so I could get my practice in. I was terrified of going without practicing. I did wake up during the holiday to what was happening. But the fear was there. I HAD to play otherwise I might just disappear.

There were lots of other instances like this where I was so selfish with my drive to play guitar and better myself for validation that I wasn’t truly there for Friends, Family and significant life events. It was all pushed under so Guitar could have its place. So I could feel validated, eventually, somehow…

I would get super frustrated with my playing. I would get jealous, even of close friends in my musical circle. I’d further isolate myself not to face this pain which was trying to tell me I was doing all of this for the wrong reasons. This would cause me to get so anxious about even practicing or playing, I had to define everything. I’d sit for hours not playing the guitar in my room and avoid going out, seeing people, because I felt I HAD to get some practice done before the day was out.

This got to the point where even though I ‘thought’ I wasn’t being selfish… In my mind I was pushing towards my career in music. I was being incredibly self-absorbed (I appreciate the irony of this statement in the midst of all this text..) This unchecked self-absorption made my career feel like a struggle, I also probably upset a lot of people with my behaviour and actions. And it is for that I truly apologise.

4/5 years ago the desperation to be validated got pretty strong. And without going to far, I alarmed myself. A few people suggested getting help. And I did. And I do not regret it one bit. The journey getting help has taken me has helped me see through my delusions, be kinder to myself and to other people. And still slowly, I’m peeling back more layers of self-deception and its helping me see more clearly what motivates me, how I can be of service to others and really what is important in life.

I’m lucky to work in the music industry still. Especially now realising and seeing how selfish and deluded I was. I really appreciate everyone who has stuck with me and been kind to offer advice and support.  Working with WaterBear and LickLibrary has enabled me to reach out to more people and help them on their musical journeys. I’ve always found things like YouTube and Instagram hard because its coming back to the validation thing. And now I understand that, I have the choice to either ‘play the game’ or simply not get involved with that world. That is something I’m still thinking about…

I love Music. I love Guitar playing. I love sharing my love of music.

I’m okay with having nothing to say on the instrument, or not being an ‘artist’ anymore. Not trying to be ‘a great guitar player’.

I don’t need validation from anyone. I don’t need to feed a thought based identity of myself. I don’t have to play guitar if I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter.

It sounds so bloody obvious and trivial. But it isn’t at the time. And I’ve met many musicians who are on the same trip and chasing their tails. Everything will be alright.

The reason I write this status isn’t so much about me, even though its about my own experience that I’ve had as a musician. Maybe it’ll resonate with other musicians out there. If you feel like you’re working uphill in a struggle, its worth looking at your motivations. It can be hard to look in the mirror sometimes.

Its worth looking after your mental health. Its worth reaching out to people who you’re worried about. Mental wellbeing leads to wellbeing in many if not almost all aspects of life. Its not selfish to look after your mind. A carefully looked after mind is better placed to look after other minds.

Clearly, I’m still self-absorbed, just in a different way. I gotta keep an eye on it. We all have a shared true nature behind everything we experience that is the only one consistency we ever know in our lifetimes. That’s who we are. It doesn’t need validation. It’s perfectly fine through all experience, thought and sensation.

You're gonna be okay.

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#7 Journal Entry:  16/03/21 "Who is the Somebody?" Reflection...

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#7 Journal Entry:  16/03/21 "Who is the Somebody?" Reflection...

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“I believe I’m somebody based on my thoughts and opinions which I’ve found from other people who believe their somebody based on thoughts and opinions they’ve found from other somebody’s”

What would happen if we didn’t put so much importance on being somebody, by adding thoughts, opinions to our somebody-ness? Maybe we don’t need to cling on to who we think we are, after all, who we think we are, is just a transitory thought. A belief with no foundation.  Thoughts are just another phenomena like breathing or sensing.

Maybe we would find a deeper truth that allows us to listen to these thoughts and opinions openly, to understand each other’s predicament without re-enforcing each other’s anger/somebodyness.

Our culture is so pre-occupied with self-improvement, gaining more, doing more, having more, more pleasure, more money, more intelligence. No wonder we really think we’re “somebody getting somewhere”… where do we think we’re actually going? You can’t take any of this stuff with you. What are you leaving behind that's useful by doing any of this stuff?

Its as if we’re grabbing toilet paper from shelves in the supermarket of life in order to feel safe. Maybe when we quit clenching our teeth, pushing the pencil into the paper, we might realise we aren’t as in control as we 'thought' we were.

If you’re reading this. You have a unique gift which is life. Just experiencing a table is astonishing. Don’t add anything to it. Just love it. That’s all we have to do. The rest comes.

If you’re doing something to become somebody, to be seen as 'really doing it'.. it’ll fail, it’ll become contrived and it’ll cause conflict in yourself or those around you. If you do something as an expression of appreciation for life, who knows… things might just work out okay.

I don’t know.

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#6 Journal Entry: 04/03/21 2nd Nick Bottini Meeting + realisations

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#6 Journal Entry: 04/03/21 2nd Nick Bottini Meeting + realisations

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Today I had my second mentoring session with Nick, it was very helpful. Before I go into detail about what we discussed, I've had a few shifts in my understanding of self. From the intellectual to the actual felt sense.

First of all, after my first meeting with Nick, we talked about settling with the feeling of being 'average' as a person, feeling into that. Plus we also touched on my over intellectualisation of everything and over striving.

Since the meeting and having a session with Jay who is a Yogi. I've had a few experiences through Self Inquiry and other means that made me really understand and feel who I really actually am. Which is a point of consciousness and everything is consciousness. Everything I appear to 'do' is additional. Today in my meeting with Nick, I described this as being a blank fridge and all the fridge magnets are additional (this could be name, circumstance, the phycological, the guitarist etc)

From this point, I realised it's all a play. My involvement with myself and career has been that of investing my whole life's worth into it, rather than playing with it in the moment and appreciating what is in the moment. Good or bad. Just being with it, not clinging or striving. Not adding anything to it. Just letting it be.

This understanding has helped me loosen up slightly. In my meeting with Nick, he suggested its a bit like a move scene where the actor is hanging of the cliff edge. But actually the camera angle is in a way that makes it appear so, they are actually fully supported. My previous engagement with this situation was that I really believed I was hanging off a cliff, when actually its okay, I can let go. BUT most importantly, I can go back to being the actor, and really play my part fully knowing that I have this support of my true self (our true self, its one thing, shared)

Nicks mentoring today, he suggested to investigate having the relative and the ultimate at the same time. Being involved but not being invested. Its a balance. I can still be a 'high achiever'  but with a sense of play, lightness when resting in my natural awareness.

I'm experimenting with this by simply stepping back mentally in my tasks, by watching them, not engaging with thoughts about them, just doing the tasks fully, resting in awareness.  This could be called mindfulness but without identifying as 'the one doing mindfulness'.

The game now is to rest more in that awareness, drop the beliefs that may not be serving me, investigate if they are true or not in my actual experience. And also keep an eye out for the 'ego' (or separate self) trying to make new identities that may not be helpful.

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#5 Journal Entry: 18/02/21 - MA705 Formative 

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#5 Journal Entry: 18/02/21 - MA705 Formative 

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Whilst this isn't fully related to this module. I had a bit of a break down trying to come up with my 'pitch' for the MA705 Formative/Summative. However, I realised quickly that I had been over-thinking it, trying to create something bigger than I could possibly imagine. After a meeting with Rasha and some self-reflection. I came up with the following proposal for my pitch.

(1) The research context and rationale,

Rationale: Why is your proposed project important in the context of the modern music industry? What knowledge gaps will you be exploring? Is your project to big/small?

I shall be looking at the importance of finding your own sound as a Guitarist. This is a small project. Its important in the context of the music industry because there are a lot of confused guitarists (myself included) who end up parroting each other or overcompensating and creating a contrived image/sound rather than finding and creating their own mark in the world of guitar playing, thus contributing to the Music Industry, rather than further perpetuating an echo chamber.

(2) A clear statement of a research question(s),

What problem(s) are you aiming to solve?

I ‘feel’ that the problem comes from the way music is taught, conveyed on social media and promoted via music gear companies that there is an un-realistic message being put onto guitar players. This leaves many aspiring guitarists feeling lost, confused, un-motivated and often grasping to become an avatar of someone else, rather than understanding their own unique placement in this world. Some potential research questions might look like:

“What is unique sound?”
“What is the importance of having a unique voice on the Instrument”
“To what extent does sound communicate an individuals message and identity”

(3) Anticipated methods of data collection and analysis, ethical considerations. You should aim to demonstrate a systematic approach.

Methodology: What approaches will you use, and what theories have informed this approach? Do these methods differ from those of others working in the same field? If so, how and why? Can you anticipate future developments from it?

What ethical considerations do you need to put into place?

I shall be surveying, interviewing and observing.

Surveying different ‘levels’ of guitarist: Pro’s, Semi-Pro’s, Hobbyist etc (I’ll try and find other groups) asking them about their feelings about their own sound, how they go about developing that, do they think about it etc? (Neil Smith Guitarist, Rashas Friend)

Ethical considerations, mainly that of understanding everyone has different goals with their playing. Some people just want to play songs and play just like their hero’s, some want to use it as a tool to create music, some want to take over the world! (thinking about how I present questions)

Aside from this I can also do some observing from afar, seeing how guitarists behave on social media, see what prominent figures are saying in their social media content etc. Interviews with prominent guitarists such as Hendrix, Kurt Kobain to more modern figures such as Joe Bonamassa, Tim Pierce, Steve Vai, Paul Gilbert and Cory Wong.

And on top of all this, I’ll be using some key text’s about musicianship, finding your sound and letting go into who we really are.

(4) The rationale for the methodological approach,

Why did you choose this approach over others?

I’m part of quite a vast community of Musicians/Guitar Players from different backgrounds, talking to them, or getting them to follow a survey of some description would be the quickest and most effective way of seeing the common trends. By Interviewing people I can get first hand and more personal responses. Through Surveys I can choose particular questions to help me ‘define’ certain areas of my research. And through observation I can hope to get more unfiltered ideas and thought processes. And of course, reading (bibliography) will help me further define how this research ‘funnels’ together in the grand scheme of the subject.

(5) What is the value of your work to your chosen area of research?

I feel the value is in helping people become not only comfortable in their own skin as Musicians, but ultimately as humans. Helping people find their own way, asking themselves the “right” questions in order to find what is true for them.

(6) Bibliography - how are you justifying your ideas?

Subject to change or addition, but I shall start with these books. And YouTube (for the ‘watching’ part of the research, interviews with artists etc)

Bottini, N., n.d. Just play.

Werner, K., 1996. Effortless mastery. [Scotch Plains, NJ.]: Werner.

Sudo, P. and Sherman, B., n.d. Zen guitar.

Wooten, V., 2010. The music lesson. Old Saybrook, CT: Tantor Audio.

Maharshi, S. and Srinivasan, K., 1990. Nan jar?/ Who am I?. Middelfart: Hemas Forlag.

Vai, S., 2019. Vaiology: Basic Music Theory for Guitar Players.

YouTube, Y., 2021. [online] Youtube.com. Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/> [Accessed 18 February 2021].

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#4 Journal Entry: 11/02/21 - 1st Nick Bottini Meeting.

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#4 Journal Entry: 11/02/21 - 1st Nick Bottini Meeting.

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From this point onwards I'll be having mentoring sessions with Nick Bottini. Today we had session 1 of 5, the next session is Tuesday 4th March 10am.

In our meeting today, we uncovered that I use knowledge/intellect as a knee jerk reaction to 'holding on' and 'clinging' to 'trying to be' excellent.

We discussed remembering a time when there was no responsibility, or when responsibilities were temporarily lifted from us (meeting a dead line or a holiday for example) that feeling of not having to BE or DO anything. Resting in our innate awareness, the true self.

An analogy was used of being in the deep end of a swimming pool, and 'knowing the instructions' of how to swim and over efforting to keep afloat, when actually when we relax, we are naturally buoyant.

A lot of what Nick and I were discussing moves in line with my Vipassana and Self-Enquiry practice. I understand Non-duality, I feel it, but not totally. I'm still new to this path. But I'm happy that I've been naturally moving towards this kind of practice/enquiry/self work. His suggestion was to really let go into the direct experience of each moment. Perhaps the best depiction of this attitude can be found in this quote from Bruce Lee:

'In Buddhism, there is no place for using effort. Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water and when you're tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand' - Bruce Lee

This isn't to say, 'do nothing'. There's a difference from expecting/efforting and a natural volition. but it highlights the over-effort, the extra we try to 'add' to each moment. In trying and adding, creating stories, we end up missing out on the true nature of existence.

Nick suggested to experiment living from this place, letting go of control and being aware. The hope is two fold: First of all, to appreciate and really see what I do already. Secondly, to stop squeezing experience too hard. Which appears to be a very quick reaction to phenomena around me right now.

Nick has sent me an audio of a lecture by George Pransky which I shall listen to before the weekend.

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#3 Journal Entry: 08/02/21 - 2nd Tutorial and Current Feelings.

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#3 Journal Entry: 08/02/21 - 2nd Tutorial and Current Feelings.

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On Tuesday 2nd of February I had a Tutorial with Rasha, Matt and Mark. I didn't expect there to be 3 people there to see me! it was a good session. We looked into some questions around motivation.

I stated that I find it hard to be creative 'for myself'. Its often that I can get work done for and with other people. I feel that when being part of something I work better generally. However, the reason this journal is later than the tutorial is that once again I got carried away by work and also a week or so of quite depressive self-doubt and heavy bouts of unworthiness (and overwhelm due to my schedule.) I practice Vipassana (insight meditation) it helps with finding the crux of most issues and helps me find my centre through my ups and downs. I'm slowly trying to find where the pain is and why its there. Why I don't follow through with things for myself. Mark and Matt both suggested in the tutorial to investigate this also.

Another suggestion was to find out from others what makes 'me', ME. I'm happy to investigate this, however on reflection, my past breakdowns have been when people have told me what they think (good or bad) and those things have become my master. I'm now slowly working with disassociating with any praise or critique as it distracts me from my own work ultimately.

Recently I had my guitar hero Paul Gilbert give me a shout out in an interview, he recognised my name. It blew my mind. I'm super grateful and I was very excited about this. It was/is huge for me. But the next 4 or 5 days after that, I was in a spiral of all kinds of chaos, restlessness and feeling guilty - I don't deserve that praise, I have hardly any time to work on my own playing/music, my piers are way better than I could ever be.

I feel guilty about this MA. I can't keep up with it. The introspection is pushing my passion further and further away. I'm not even sure I enjoy playing music or guitar anymore. I'm very lucky to have it as my job and have some brilliant opportunities, but I feel I can't get any better. Mentally and as a Musician.

As I type this, I understand this all sounds very ungrateful. People would give so much to be able to do what I'm so lucky to do. I do appreciate it, but I'm running out of options in terms of understanding my motivation, why I'm doing this, what is the point...

When I see my musician friends doing well, I'm happy for them. But I feel like they are in the lifeboat getting saved and I'm on some driftwood, floating out to see, with them getting further and further from me. I could paddle but there's no strength or will.

My Grandad was proud of me for taking on the MA, he thought me being an academic was the best thing. The only reason I can see to go through with it, is in his memory.  I would also like to state, as I type this I'm in a neutral state of mind.

I've booked another tutorial for 10th Feb and I've got my first meeting with Nick Bottini on the 11th Feb.

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#2 Journal Entry: 27/01/21 - 1st Tutorial & Personal Purpose Statement...

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#2 Journal Entry: 27/01/21 - 1st Tutorial & Personal Purpose Statement...

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My work circumstances have changed. I now have a great opportunity with LickLibrary to create content on a monthly basis. This job now makes up most of my income and will get my name out to many more people. However, the time it will take up alongside lecturing for WaterBear may change the direction of my MA slightly and I may have to bend my plans around this new workflow. I feel this is quite ironic as one of the main areas I found I need to work on in my S1 My Goals essay was time management and prioritisation!

However, this is a truly rare opportunity that not only means financial stability but also access to thousands of potential future 'followers/fans/students' of my work.  So I feel it fits in with the bigger picture and I'm willing to be flexible in this circumstance.

Today I had a mentoring session to catch up on this subject with Matt White, we're going to catch up next week as well. I'm having trouble nailing down my Personal Purpose Statement and 'Why' behind what I'm doing in general. Matt was helpful in this session and between us we've come up with the following draft PPS:

Personal Purpose Statement:

1. What do you care about deeply?
I love expressing myself through music. It’s a universal language and an expression of existence.

2. What do you want to teach/share with people?
I want to share a love and understanding of music, through writing and performing music. To acknowledge this universal knowledge and need to create.

3. What change do you want to make?
To put people into a growth mindset and allow people to express themselves and find their own paths. To be able to communicate with music.

4. Why you?
I’m alive. I have great love for music, I express things in my own unique way. I want to share that love.

Personal Purpose Statement Template

“I will /action/ for /audience/ by /skills/ to /desired result/.”

"I will share my love for Music, through the Guitar. To help people be comfortable in their own skin expressing themselves"

I'm still not 100% on the statement. I need to sit with it for a week before my next tutorial with Matt on Feb 2nd. Matt and Rasha also suggested Nick Bottini as my mentor for this term, something I'm very aligned with going forward with. Nick has helped me out on 2 occasions since first meeting him in S1. I've also read his book and resonate with his non-dual understanding and philosophy. I'm hoping my mentoring sessions with Nick I can find a comfortable and resonating 'why me' and VMV behind what I do.

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This is my first journal entry. I'm feeling okay about the modules this term, I still have a lot of work to do on my own self view within the bigger picture of my career aspirations. I'm unsure who my mentor is for this term and I'm waiting for the 2 new modules to appear on my canvas. Once I can see everything written down, I'll be able to start piecing together this project!