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How you might be feeling | Information and support on life as a parent | NCT

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Having a baby is physically challenging but it can also be emotional. It’s so important to share how you’re feeling because you’re definitely not alone.

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It's not uncommon for couples to separate, before or after having a child. There are around 1.7 million single parent families in the UK, with one in four children living with one parent (ONS, 2015). In essence, if you're going it alone, you're not alone.

The single parent charity Gingerbread is a great source of advice and information. Our friends there can help you with what you need to think about, and where you can get help and support. Here we look at some of the main things to consider as a single parent:

How can I feel supported?

Splitting up or being faced with bringing up a child alone can be daunting. But, as Gingerbread says, you don't have to face it on your own.

As well as getting the right information and guidance, talking to other people in a similar situation can make all the difference. The Gingerbread website has lots of contacts, stories from single parents, friendship groups and a forum where you can meet other single parents and share experiences.

How will contact with the other parent work?

Many children will continue to have some kind of access to the parent they don't live with once they've separated (Gingerbread, 2017a). It can be quicker to work out arrangements privately although mediation services and legal procedures can help if you can't come to an agreement (Gingerbread, 2017a).

Contact can take many different forms and could take place in various locations. It could range from weekend stays and sleepovers at the other parent's home, to mediated contact in a neutral place for a couple of hours a week. It's up to you to come to an agreement that works best for your child (Gingerbread, 2017a).

You could try using parenting plans to help you both give your child the right care and support (Gingerbread, 2017a).

If your child is still very young, it can be particularly important to keep arrangements simple and supportive. It's vital to remember to put the needs of your child first. Gingerbread says it might be easier for little ones to have contact in their own home (Gingerbread, 2017a). This makes them feel more comfortable (Gingerbread, 2017a). Plus, keep contact short but frequent (Gingerbread, 2017a).

How about money?

Faced with only one household income, it's natural that money worries might be front of your mind. But just because you don't live with the other parent, it doesn't mean they can avoid contributing. Their responsibilities include contributing to necessities for the child in terms of clothes, toys and so on, and the running of the household for things like bills and food (Gingerbread, 2017c).

According to Gingerbread, your child has a legal right to be supported financially by both their parents, and the government must help parents to uphold that right (Gingerbread, 2017b).

Arranging contributions

There are three ways to sort out the money situation with your child's other parent. If possible, it can be easiest to agree directly with them, deciding what will be paid, how and how often. This is called a family-based arrangement, which can be flexible and change as circumstances change. It's useful to write down the arrangement in case of disagreement (Gov.uk, 2019).

Child maintenance

If you're unable to sort things out directly, the Government's Child Maintenance Service can help make arrangements such as how much the other parent pays, how often, and handle the financial transactions. They can also help find the other parent if you don't know where they live and sort out issues around parentage.

A court order can be used when there are circumstances that the Child Maintenance Service doesn't cover. These could be if the other parent lives abroad, or if there are extra costs to consider or if the other parent's income is very high and you want higher contributions (Citizens' Advice, 2019).

Benefits and grants

Single parents can also get benefits and grants to help with the costs of bringing up their child. Gingerbread has a great benefits calculator to help you make sure you know what you can get. Gingerbread also has useful information on how to create a budget if you're a single parent.

Grants are available to single parent families who need financial assistance. Turn2us is a national charity that helps people find benefits, charitable grants and other financial help.

What are the legal and parental responsibilities for us both?

The parent who doesn't live with the child has no direct say over day-to-day parenting, although agreement on parenting styles is always useful. But there are certain decisions they legally need to be involved in (Gingerbread, 2017c). Areas such as education, religious upbringing, medical treatment and consent to leave the country need to be joint decisions.

You can get loads more information on parenting responsibilities from the Gingerbread website.

What about childcare?

Chances are you'll have to go back to work and that will mean sorting out childcare. But with different benefits, tax credits, free hours and more and more flexible working options, finding a balance that works for you and your child may be possible.

gov.uk has lots of information on childcare options and check out our own pages on childcare.

Further information

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby. To find out when an NCT nearly new sale is happening near you, search here.

You might find attending one of NCT's Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

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Single parenting: support, benefits and responsibilities

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It's not uncommon for couples to separate, before or after having a child. There are around 1.7 million single parent families in the UK, with one in four children living with one parent (ONS, 2015). In essence, if you're going it alone, you're not alone.

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Prioritising happiness and kindness influences how we approach everything - including our personal lives, families, communities, schools and workplaces. It also shapes our views on public policy and helps us to consider the wellbeing of future generations too.
We have no religious, political or commercial affiliations and welcome people of all faiths (or none) and all parts of society. Our members make a simple pledge: to create more happiness and less unhappiness in the world.

Our patron is The Dalai Lama.

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Action for Happiness is a charity that promotes a happier and more caring society. We promote how to be happy, kindness, connection & wellbeing

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What is perinatal depression?

Depression is the most common perinatal mental health disorder women experience in pregnancy and the first year after having a baby (NICE, 2014). Depression in pregnancy is seen in 7-12% of women, (Bennett et al., 2004; Gavin et al., 2005) with postnatal depression rates of around 10-15% reported.

Around 10% of fathers have depression in the perinatal period (Beszlag & Hopkinson, 2020) and it is common for both parents to experience mental health problems at the same time (Anding et al., 2016). Depression is a mental health illness which, with treatment, will get better in time.

Depression in pregnancy can start at any time, although the severity may be different in each trimester. Postnatal depression usually comes on within six weeks of giving birth, although it can emerge up to a year after your baby is born (MIND, 2017). While postnatal depression should dissipate within a few months, 3 in 10 people with PND will still be ill after the first year (NICE, 2014).

Watch our video below where three mums talk about what it feels like to experience postnatal mental health issues.

What are the symptoms of depression?

Like depression at other times in life, it can be mild, moderate or severe. It can come on gradually or suddenly (NICE, 2014). The main difference though is that it can be a lot trickier to recognise. That's because your mental state is likely to change in the weeks and months after you have a baby anyway (NICE, 2014). You will also have such a lot going on around you.

Symptoms of depression can include:

feeling down and teary

an inability to concentrate

low sex drive

feeling worthless

inability to feel happiness

sleep problems

anger

finding it difficult to leave the house

overeating

problems bonding with your baby

suicidal thoughts

(Boots Family Trust Alliance, 2013)

A depression and anxiety self-assessment quiz is available here.

You can also seek information and support through NHS 111 or via your GP.

If you feel at risk of harming yourself or others then call 999, attend an emergency health care setting, or call the Samaritans on 116 123.

What causes depression in parents?

The exact cause of postnatal depression is not clear, although in women it doesn't seem to be due to hormonal changes (Patient, 2017). Some factors are known to increase the chance of becoming depressed in pregnancy and after birth. These include:

having a previous mental health problem

experiencing a traumatic birth experience or loss of a baby through stillbirth

living in a violent social situation

being a refugee or asylum seeker

having a history of childhood or adulthood abuse

having poor social support.

(RCOG, 2011; NICE, 2014; Ayers and Delicate, 2016)

Speak to your GP or midwife if you think you are at risk of depression so that you can get support.

What is the effect of having depression?

It is important to get help for depression so that you can access the right treatment and support to enable you to get better (Shakespeare, 2015). If not, it can have major consequences for your mental health, your relationship, your partner's mental health and the development of your baby (Fatherhood Institute, 2010; Howard et al, 2014; Ayers and Delicate, 2016).

It is common to have depression along with other perinatal mental health conditions such as anxiety, birth trauma and PTSD (Dikmen-Yildiz et al., 2017).

Support and treatment for depression

Treatments for depression include talking therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or anti-depressants (talk to your GP for advice if you're breastfeeding) (NICE, 2014; NHS 2018). If depression becomes severe, you might need a stay in hospital or mother and baby unit (RCOG, 2011; NHS Choices, 2018).

You can access treatment for depression via your GP or you can find out more about NHS psychological services here.

There are self-care tips that may help with mild to moderate depression:

1. Build a support network and make time to meet friends and other mums for a much-needed cup of tea and a chat (NEF, 2008).

2. Accept offers of help. It might be your mum dusting your living room or your best friend walking your newborn around the block so you can lie down. Whatever it is, take it (Boots Family Trust Alliance, 2013).

3. Exercise can work wonders for the way you feel (Cooney et al, 2013). It is also a great long-term practice for safeguarding your mental health (NEF, 2008; NHS, 2018). If you have recently given birth, it is important to give your body a chance to physically recover. The NHS provides some guidance which is suitable for pregnancy and after birth.

4. Try to eat healthily and regularly, and cut back on caffeine and alcohol (NHS, 2018).

5. Get showered and dressed, even if your plan for today is to go no further than the back door to put some nappies in the bin (MIND, 2017).

6. Be mindful - apps like Headspace can help improve your mental wellbeing and help you to deal with daily challenges (NEF, 2008). You can even practice mindfulness on the sofa while your newborn is feeding.

7. Keep a mood diary. It can help you notice how people, places and activities affect your mood (MIND, 2020).

8. Sign up to a baby massage class at NCT or with your local children's centre through a referral from your health visitor (NHS, 2018).

9. Contact local or national specialist organisations - they may offer the opportunity to talk to other women who are going through the same thing. Services available might include a dedicated telephone helpline, a buddy service, online support, support groups, counselling and wellbeing sessions.

This page was last reviewed in February 2022
Further information

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700.

You might find attending one of our Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

Contact specialist organisations like PANDAS for more help and support with postnatal depression including a FREE helpline number on 0808 1961776.

Experiencing mental health symptoms can be overwhelming but help is available, so speak to a trusted health care professional such as a midwife, health visitor, or GP. If you feel at risk of harming yourself or others then call 999, attend an emergency department, or call the Samaritans on 116 123.

Anding, J. E., Röhrle, B., Grieshop, M., Schücking, B., & Christiansen, H. (2016). Couple comorbidity and correlates of postnatal depressive symptoms in mothers and fathers in the first two weeks following delivery. Journal of Affective Disorders, 190, 300-309. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2015.10.033

Ayers S & Delicate A. (2016). Recognising and acting on perinatal mental health. Perspective; 32. Available at: https://www.nct.org.uk/sites/default/files/related_documents/Ayers%20and%20Delicate%20Recognising%20and%20acting%20on%20perinatal%20mental%20health.pdf [Accessed 26 January 2022].

Bennett, H.A., Einarson, A.,  Taddio, A., Koren, G., & Einarson, T.R. (2004). Prevalence of depression during pregnancy: systematic review. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 103 (2004), 698-709. Available at: https://doi.org /10.1097/01.AOG.0000116689.75396.5f

Beszlag, D., &Hodkinson, P. (2020). Paternal perinatal mental health difficulties - an evidence review. Evidence review produced for NCT.

Boots Family Trust Alliance. (2013) Perinatal mental health: experiences of women and health professionals. Available from: https://www.tommys.org/sites/default/files/legacy/Perinatal_Mental_Health_Experiences%20of%20women.pdf [Accessed 26 January 2022].

Coates R. (2016) Broadening the net: assessing the full range of perinatal mental health problems. Perspective; 32. Available from: https://www.nct.org.uk/sites/default/files/related_documents/Perspective-September-2016_0.pdf [Accessed 1st December 2017].

Cooney, G.M., Dwan, K., Greig, C.A., Lawlor D.A., Rimer, J., Waugh, F.R., McMurdo, M., & Mead G.E. (2013) Exercise for depression. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews; (9). Available at: https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD004366.pub6

Fatherhood Institute. (2010) Research summary: fathers and postnatal depression. Available from:

http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/2010/fatherhood-institute-research-summary-fathers-and-postnatal-depression [Accessed 26 January 2022].

Gavin, N.I., Gaynes, B.N., Lohr, K.N., Meltzer-Brody, S., Gartlehner, G., & Swinson, T. (2005). Perinatal depression: a systematic review of prevalence and incidence

Obstetrics & Gynecology, 106 (2005),1071-1083. Available at: https;//doi.org/ 10.1097/01.AOG.0000183597.31630.db

Howard LM, Piot P, Stein A. (2014) No health without perinatal mental health. The Lancet; 384(9956):1723-1724 Available from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25455235

MIND. (2020) Postnatal depression and perinatal mental health pages. Available at: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/postnatal-and-antenatal-depression/#.WcozHYokqRs [Accessed 26 January 2022]

NEF. (2008) Five ways to wellbeing. A report presented to the Foresight programme on communicating the evidence base for improving people's wellbeing. Available at: https://neweconomics.org/2008/10/five-ways-to-wellbeing [Accessed 26 January 2022].

NHS (2018) Overview postnatal depression. Available at: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx [Accessed 26th January 2022].

NICE (2014) Antenatal and postnatal mental health. CG192. Available at: https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg192 [Accessed 26th January 2022].

RCOG. (2011) Management of women with mental health issues during pregnancy and the postnatal period. Good Practice No. 14. Available at: https://www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/managementwomenmentalhealthgoodpractice14.pdf [Accessed 26 January 2022].

RCPSYCH. (2018). Postnatal depression - key facts. Available at: https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/postnatal-depression-key-facts [Accessed 14 January 2022]

Shakespeare J. (2015) Perinatal mental health: the picture today. Perspective; 26. Available from: https://www.nct.org.uk/sites/default/files/related_documents/Perinatal%20mental%20health-%20the%20picture%20today.pdf [Accessed January 2018].

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Perinatal depression: the questions you really want to ask | Life as a parent articles & support | NCT

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Heard it discussed but still feel in the dark? Here are the answers to the most common questions about depression in pregnancy and after birth.

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How to not need a holiday after the holidays

The holidays can be a stressful time for single parents, Natalie is a volunteer in our Wellbeing Digital Group and recently held an online workshop where she shared her 'go to' tools for managing the...

Read more

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We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

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Find a practitioner

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Register your interest

Simply add your name and email below, select which course you're interested in, and we'll be in touch to let you know further details.

By adding your name and registering your interest you are also agreeing to receive further communication from me about these courses. Your details are added to my subscriber list but will never be shared or sold with anyone else.

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Traumatic Birth Recovery - Treatment following difficult births

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Simply add your name and email below, select which course you're interested in, and we'll be in touch to let you know further details. By adding your name and registering your interest you are also agreeing to receive further communication from me about these courses.

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NCT, Brunel House, 11 The Promenade, Clifton Down, Bristol BS8 3NG Reg Charity No (England and Wales): 801395, (Scotland): SC041592. Reg Company No: 2370573.

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A checklist and plan to help you to identify and access any support you may need.

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An excellent charity offering resources and support around perinatal depression

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A charity supporting parents experiencing symptoms of trauma following birth.

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The Birth Trauma Association

If you're a parent who's been traumatised by birth, we're here to help. We have a team of peer supporters: parents (one of whom is a dad) who have all experienced traumatic birth themselves and been through a process of recovery. If you'd like to talk to them over email about your experience, please contact them at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or phone them on 0203 621 6338.

You can also join our Facebook group for parents with birth trauma: www.facebook.com/groups/TheBta

We find that parents who come to us often have the same questions, so we've prepared some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) documents you can download. They are:
How do I access my birth notes? How do I access therapy to help me recover from my birth trauma? How do I ask for a debrief? How do I make a complaint about my maternity care? How do I take legal action against the hospital where I gave birth? I want to avoid another traumatic birth. What can I do and what are my rights?
If you want to find out more about birth trauma, our package of three training videos can help.

Birth can be traumatic for all sorts of reasons. It could be that you were left in pain for hours, or your baby's heartrate dropped and you needed an emergency caesarean section. Perhaps you had a difficult forceps birth leaving you with severe tears. Perhaps you had a postpartum haemorrhage, or your baby was born ill, needing to spend time in special care.

There may have been times during labour when you felt that staff didn't look after you properly, or didn't listen to you, and you felt alone and frightened.

And afterwards, even your baby is well, those feelings don't always go away. Research shows that about 4-5% of women who give birth develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares and extreme anxiety that makes daily life immensely challenging. That's about 30,000 women a year in the UK. Many more have some trauma symptoms, but not enough for a PTSD diagnosis. We use the term "birth trauma" to cover everyone who feels that their traumatic birth is continuing to affect them.

Fathers and partners can develop PTSD as a result of witnessing a traumatic birth. They need help too.

In the video below, five women talk about their experience of birth trauma and how they found help.

Keep up to date with The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) on social media

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The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) supports all women who have had a traumatic birth experience. It is estimated that, in the UK alone, this may result in 10,000 women a year developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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Info and factsheets from Dads Matter UK

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We have produced a series of useful guides for Mums, Dads and Health Care Professional just check out these handouts and checklists
Babies Arrived... Why am I not happy? Baby Blues and Mild PND Caring for Someone with Postnatal Depression Severe PND Know what to ask for Perinatal Mental Health - The Scale of the Problem Perinatal Mental Health Care - The key to unlocking Mental Health - DMUK
Media Files

We have a series of media files so that you can understand Why? Dads Matter.
WHY DADS MATTER UK - 1 PAGE BIOGRAPHY v3 Why Dads Matter - The Need v3

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We have produced a series of useful guides for Mums, Dads and Health Care Professional just check out these handouts and checklists Babies Arrived... Why am I not happy? Baby Blues and Mild PND Caring for Someone with Postnatal Depression Severe PND Know what to ask for Perinatal Mental Health - The Scale of the ...

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A great blog about parenting realities

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Before I was a parent, I was the perfect one. People told me my life would change. People told me I would be tired. That parenthood would be the greatest and hardest thing I would ever do.

Yeah yeah yeah.
I know. I know.
I knew everything.

My family would just smile and nod at my ignorance, and I wonder now if they were scared for me.

I recently sat in a friend's baby shower. I was surrounded by women making light hearted jokes about new parenthood, about sleep depravation, and pregnancy cravings. They exchanged recommendations for swaddle blankets and butt creams. Underneath the small talk and "oohing" and "ahhing" over tiny gifted baby clothes, sat the realness, the hardness of motherhood. I could feel that every mom in the room, behind their sleepless sunken eyes, knew what that meant; they had felt that weight, but they only had the heart to give gifts and hugs and congratulations. I sat there in silence, when all I wanted to do was talk and talk and talk about how new motherhood really can be. To let her in on all the real secrets of being a mother.

I wanted so badly to prepare my friend somehow for the wave that was about to wash over her.

I was there too, belly rounded with life, yesterday. I had the iPhone app, the "Welcome Baby" books, the nursery that I had pinned on my Pinterest. I had the trendy pacifiers, the over packed hospital bag, the pretty dresses my girl would probably never wear. We toured the hospital. I googled birth stories while rounding my hips on a yoga ball. And I learned all about how you breath a baby out of your lady parts.

I remember eating whole pineapples, and choking down giant Evening Primrose Oil pills by the handful to will my baby out of my uterus.

I was ready.

It took what felt like seven years for her to arrive. More specifically, 41 weeks and 1 day. That extra eight days made me extra prepared. I remember sitting, ecstatic, in the hospital, after the epidural had been administered. I was too giddy to sleep.

Oh, the time had finally come, and I was so ready.

Then in a blink, she was here. She was tiny and marveling. She was so incredibly beautiful. She was perfect.

But wait.
I am not ready.
This is so hard.
I am so tired.
Why hadn't anyone prepared me for this?

I. Know. Nothing.

If I was sitting across from that very pregnant, very eager and naive version of myself, I would tell her this:

The love you will feel is nothing like you have felt before. It will be foreign and familiar all at once. It will fill you to the very top of your heart, nearly spilling over. The thing about this kind of love, though, is that it can feel heavy. Disproportional. You may feel like you will nearly break in half from the top-heaviness. You will not be able to tell the difference between exhaustion and depression, and that darkness will rob you from what should be the most tender months of your daughter's new life.

Your baby will cry, a lot. Your days will both begin and end with the saddest screams you will ever hear. Your body will respond the way that it is programmed to - with panic. You will google everything from "dissecting baby poo" to "newborn who hates life." And you will come up short. You will always come up short.

Your baby will only sleep in ten minute increments.
In a plastic rocking chair. (Don't buy a plastic rocking chair.)
In the bathroom.
With the bath water running.

You will feel like you are going mad, day after day, alone in that bathroom. Between the sound of the water running and her screams, you may feel like your nerve endings will be permanently frayed.

At the endless ER trips that you take you will be written off as "The Paranoid New Mom." (Press on.) They will give you pamphlets on "Colic," and that just will not cut it. For awhile, nursing will be excruciating, and your baby will fight it, hard. Contrary to the laws of nature, Anabel will not come out knowing how to siphon milk from your body. Also, panic will flood your body when your milk lets down the majority of the time. Yes, breastfeeding induced anxiety attacks are a thing, and it will happen to you. (Hormones are jerks.)

Did I mention how depleted you will feel?

Eating, and sleeping, and showering are not a part of this season (not often anyway), and right now, in the thick of it, this season will feel never ending. While others' newborns are napping sweetly in their stylish organic leggings via Instagram, yours is miserable. There are over 2 billion mothers in the world, yet you will feel deeply alone. Compared to everyone else, you are failing. No matter how many hands you have on deck, you will be deserted.

This love will crush your ego. It will destroy your capability to trust yourself. The fear that creeps in the shadows of this love will paralyze you. Strangers will call your newborn "mean." Loved ones will say you are giving your baby too much attention. (Neither of those things exist.) You will feel guilty for not measuring up. You will feel guilty for feeling guilty. You will feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty. You will cry over absurd things, like not being pregnant anymore. And over massive things, like the way your body has transformed because of pregnancy. You may never feel like you will get the hang of carrying this love.

But what if I told you that one day your daughter would smile? That she would even laugh? And so will you. Her intestines will eventually develop and digest food, and she will not scream excessively anymore. You will find answers to everything you questioned. I would even tell you that your doctor will admit that you were right all along. Saying, "you guys owe me an 'I told you so' on that one." That will feel pretty great.

I would also tell you that it gets better. Oh, how it does. She will learn how to sleep and nurse. And I would even tell you she gets really great at both. I would tell you to find the hope in your daughter's eyes. As they lighten, so will that weight.

Though you may never have parenthood all figured out, there will be a day when you will find a way to wrap that love around yourself, instead of being buried in it.

And though it is hard to believe, one day you will have a vivacious, smart, and unbelievably happy little girl. A girl that absolutely adores the world. And you will have clean hair, and time to make breakfast for yourself in the morning.

You will.

Hold on to that truth. There will be a day that you will marvel over the fact that the girl in front of you is the same baby that was so unhappy before.

You will be better. You will grow. You will adjust, and settle, and adjust again. That is what motherhood is, I think. Finding ways through the good heartbreak to fit more love inside of you. There will always be something that stretches your capacity for more. You will learn how to balance the goodness with the heaviness.

And, I beg you, embrace that things will always feel unfinished. Let unfinished be okay. Let unfinished be enough.

It is enough.
It is enough.
It is enough.

And forget what you see on Instagram,
You are one hell of a mother.

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Before I was a parent, I was the perfect one. People told me my life would change. People told me I would be tired. That parenthood would be the greatest and hardest thing I would ever do. Yeah yeah yeah. I know. I know. I knew everything.