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I want to remember how easy it is to be hijacked by my own story when I am listening to someone. When my story takes over I am not truly present for the other person. This risks displacing them as the lead actor of their story.

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Environment, who you are talking to and what role you are in (parent,teacher,mentor ….)

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W.A.I.L?
(Why am I listening?)

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I want to be a safe, present, and inviting listener that encourages the speaker to say their truth.

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Being truly present and authentic. This offers parents the best of what I have to give.

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I want to be patient in listening & make sure I am giving the speaker adequate time to convey their thought(s).

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I want to be the kind of lister a person feels safe with.

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When listening I want to think about the reason the person is telling me something so that I know my role as the listener whether it be to help find a solution or just be there for them.

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I want to remember that each has the base of a good quality, but taken to the extreme it's not helpful.

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Wanda Reams
(To borrow Dean’s phrase) … assume positive intentions.
IF I could be mindful of this it helps me avoid judgment.

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Many times it’s just as important to “listen” to what is not said as it is to listen to what is said.

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I want to be mindful of how I am listening and to remind myself to be an open and empathetic listener without coming up with solutions or over empathizing.

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When I extend non-judgmental listening to others, I hold space for their perspective to be truly heard. This allows others to feel seen and allows me to truly understand an alternative view to my own.

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I want to stay mindful and remember that people don’t always want help. Sometimes they just look for a sounding board. Being an active listener without trying to cure may be all they want/need.

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Value the person I am listening to by just listening without being quick to fix. Just listen. Listen without stealing the show or the need to add input about self. Stay focused without directing the conversation on rabbit trails.

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Be a better "fixer" by actively working with the speaker & assisting them to succeed!!

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Be a better "fixer" by actively working with the speaker & assisting them to succeed!!

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I want to be an engaged as well as an empathetic listener. However, while trying to be empathetic I need to be mindful to not hijack the speaker’s story with my own experience.

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We discussed how autobiographical listening can be good or bad depending on the situation. You want to be able to relate to who you are listening to, but mindful that it’s about them and their situation, not you.

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I want to be mindful of the value of sustained and attentive listening. Each of these four Unproductive Patterns have their own "appeal" to me, but it's worth the effort to stay engaged as a listener.

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I want to listen in a way that people feel heard and seen. I want to get better at asking, “what do you need?” Rather than assuming they need something from the conversation. Sometimes, people just need someone to hear them and acknowledge the circumstance, emotion, or experience they share.

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Don’t listen just to relate, don’t listen just to fix, don’t listen just to give your opinion, or to be entertained by the details, but listen to understand that person… as a person. “Seeing” them fully.

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I want to be mindful in my own listening to capture my thoughts before they become words out of my mouth, so that I give my full attention to the person talking to me rather than mindful of my response or reactions I think I should be prepared to give. Reminding myself to slow down mentally so my mind isn’t cluttered while others are speaking.

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I want to be as attentive as I can when listening to another.  I also want to be aware not to interrupt and let the speaker finish their thoughts.

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I would like to ask questions that are helpful and clarifying, not distracting or counterproductive. I would like to take a bit more time to digest what a parent is telling me, and not be too quick to offer a solution.

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With finesse and caring, direct conversations to be productive and positive (when they are drifting into the doldrums)

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I want to be better at not judging people when they ask me questions.  I need to recognize that we all have different strengths and different things we can bring to the table.

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When people interrupt, they may not necessarily be being rude. It might be their way of connecting.

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We listen to everyone around us every day, our coworkers, our clients, our famy members. Listening is one half of communication. If we dont listen well, we won't be able to communicate effectively

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Andrea-I want to be more mindful of when people are actually seeking solutions versus when they’re needing to be heard and validated.

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I need to know the purpose of the conversation and ensure that I am meeting the needs of the speaker. Is there a problem that has a discrete solution? That conversation requires a different skill set and different response than the person who just needs someone to listen. I need to be in the moment and be present.

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I’m learning to actively listen to understand before jumping in with my thoughts. Cutting them off early can stop their story from ever being fully shared.

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I need to STOP and be present in the moment to give my full attention to the speaker, letting the person finish before adding to the conversation.

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I want to work on being totally present for whoever I’m listening to - not letting concerns from earlier or later in the day preoccupy my thoughts so I can be a more active and non-judgmental listener.

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I want to remember that what I say after listening is a direct reflection of what has been going on in my head. In order to be a good listener, I need to hear the other person and stop listening to myself.

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I want to be mindful not only of the relationship that I have with the individual that I am listening to but also my own experiences and the lens that I am seeing through. I need to be aware of where I am at on the “map” in a given day and set it aside so that I can better understand what the individual that I am listening to is truly saying.

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I've already noticed that I'm an autobiographical and solution listener. The skills I'm working on is understanding when it's an appropriate time to empathize and relate to someone, and when I need to let the person just talk. I'm also making a point when listening to people to ask if they're talking to me from a place of just needing to vent, or because they would like solutions and advice. With this distinction, I'm better able to adjust the way I'm listening to that person, and am able to gain a greater understanding of what they're saying.

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Ask questions to allow people to present their own solutions. Find the unique balance some people have of using autobio to affirm someone else, but not to step on their story with my own thoughts or words.

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Realize that miscommunication does occur. Press pause. Assume positive intent. Then proceed to understand why the communication or story or situation was shared with me. Then proceed to discover ways to show caring/curing.

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I can be any one of these types of listeners, depending on my environment, my experience and or my sleep quantity! Being aware of that is the key to choosing how I listen.

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Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow; but it empties today of strength.

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Curiosity and auto biographical listening can be positive in small doses

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They come first, they lead the conversation.

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The less I talk, the better I am as a listener.

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Kelly-when I am listening I want to be mindful of others difference experiences and views of the world and never assume I know what they need. I only “need” to be fully present and appreciate that I might be gifted with something out of this conversation myself. I always grow when I am really present.

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Kelly-when I am listening I want to be mindful of others difference experiences and views of the world and never assume I know what they need. I only “need” to be fully present and appreciate that I might be gifted with something out of this conversation myself. I always grow when I am really present.

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I can be very empathetic so i feel like i need to help, but I really need to remember that I don't need to fix everything.

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Dawn: I want to actively listen without engaging my mind in judgement, problem solving, over inquisitiveness, or putting my storyline on others story. I definitely see how I can improve in various productive listening skills.

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At work, my listening skills are often problem solving by nature of the work. It's  easy to get stuck in that solution mode and not realize that not all listening requires a solution. I would like to learn new ways to be able to listen effectively.

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When listening to someone else share their story I often find myself thinking of ways I can relate to it, or similar experiences. I have to remind myself to take a step back and actively listen to their experience or story.

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I think its important to reflect on conversations we have had when the listener was only focused on what they wanted to hear and not repeat that pattern when the role is switched and we are the listener. Be an intentional and active listener.

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I want to stay mindful of making good eye contact, while actually listening to the other person - not trying to formulate my response instead of really listening. I want to be sure not to interrupt in order to interject my thoughts/opinions/ questions before it is appropriate. I want to be sure the other person knows I really care about what they are saying to me.

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To stay present and aware of my unproductive tendencies so my listening is truly caring.

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I just want to make sure that I actually am listening to the person in front of me and not be thinking about how I can contribute to the conversation at that moment.

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I often draw upon my experiences as a home school mom to help identify with the parents I serve. It is easy to quickly slip into the autobiographical listening. I need to consider: what is the purpose of sharing this story? Will it help who I am talking to? Will it improve the relationship?

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Stop deflecting. Be an active listener. Don’t try to find solutions to everything, just be supportive.

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I want to be more mindful about knowing when someone is wanting/needing/soliciting feedback as opposed to those situations where just listening, validating and empathizing are best.  I also think we are all way more familiar and more accomplished at providing feedback, as opposed to just listening.

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I want to be an active listener. Stay present in the moment.

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All of these hijack the story away from the individual and their own experience, devaluing them. I want to listen in such a way to communicate value and honor.

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Give my families the opportunity to be heard and share their story

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Hear the whole story, ask the right questions, respond accordingly.

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Find the line between using these 4 unproductive listening skills and other hidden ability of listening, but not hearing a single word said.

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I want to better my listening by learning new responses to show I'm listening without falling into the four listening traps.

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I would like to be more mindful of judgment listening. That’s what I felt I related to the most. I’d like to slow myself down enough to let someone finish what they’re saying, give myself time to process it before making a response. I’d like to get away from a quick, snap, judgment response. I think it make someone feel as though their needs are less valuable than mine and I don’t want to come across like that.

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Instead of telling my similar story, I can relate by using words that show empathy and remember to stay focused on the families’ story.

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I want to make sure I gather an understand every detail in the conversation alot of times it is the little details that will come up with a families solutions it also shows that you care about them.

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Amy - I want to be mindful of not letting my experiences to take over someone else's story. I recognize that this happens but it is only because I want the the other person to know that I can relate to them and understand what they might be going through. I think effective listening is striking a good balance. 

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Amy - I want to be mindful of not letting my experiences to take over someone else's story. I recognize that this happens but it is only because I want the the other person to know that I can relate to them and understand what they might be going through. I think effective listening is striking a good balance. 

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I want to quiet the judging and analyzing thoughts and listen well before responding.

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These unproductive patterns seem to be taking "active listening to an extreme. I need to say less, so I can listen more.

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I identify with all 4 listening issues, and particularly the autobiographical method. I wish to allow my families the freedom and space to tell their story without hijacking that story, and wish to empathize without overwhelming

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i want to keep the other person at the center (not myself) when listening.

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Janine - I want to be inquisitive about the majors and not the minors.  I want to share of my own experiences appropriately, after my families know how much I care about them and work for their success in homeschooling.  I want to listen and hear what their concerns are before I suggest anything.

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Janine - I want to be inquisitive about the majors and not the minors.  I want to share of my own experiences appropriately, after my families know how much I care about them and work for their success in homeschooling.  I want to listen and hear what their concerns are before I suggest anything.

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Reign myself in. Being humble enough to recognize when I’m being an unproductive listener and refocus my intentions and my attention. I’m guilty of coming away from conversations only remembering what I thought or said instead of what the conversation really was about in the first place.

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I want to be fully present in all my interactions to honor those connections.

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I want to be mindful about about solution listening. I want to guide parents to come up with their own solution vs. me inserting my solutions.

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Cindy. balancing sharing an experience and not hijacking the story. Also, knowing when sharing an experience creates trust as opposed to when it just distracts. Learning the right questions. Being careful because we don't know what bad listening experiences our families might have had

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Cindy. balancing sharing an experience and not hijacking the story. Also, knowing when sharing an experience creates trust as opposed to when it just distracts. Learning the right questions. Being careful because we don't know what bad listening experiences our families might have had

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My tendency is toward autobiographical listening which distracts my focus from what is being shared. I want to be aware and really listen to their need, experience, or story.

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Tonia:  We’ve all done these types of listening or had them done to us.  I’d like to be mindful to listen the way I would like to be listened to and think “W.A.I.T.” (Why Am I Talking!) before I speak.

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Tonia:  We’ve all done these types of listening or had them done to us.  I’d like to be mindful to listen the way I would like to be listened to and think “W.A.I.T.” (Why Am I Talking!) before I speak.

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Jaci-In reading over the different types of unproductive listening, I am reminded of how others don’t need my validation to be valid. Their view and opinion is valid and good as is. In my attempts to connect by sharing my experiences, I might be taking away from their moment.

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Audril
I have to remember that some people just want to be heard and not necessarily asking for a solution. And also… that it’s not about me. :-)

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I would like to increase space and time to be fully present when I listen. Silence the distractions.

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I want to be more mindful of not interrupting people and finishing their sentences a well as not giving solutions. I think it's more important to ask classifying questions and draw ideas and solutions out of the people in talking with.

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I want to be more mindful of being present in the conversation..instead of off in my own little creative world. Listening instead of designing my response.

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Laura
I am the judgement listener. I have seen this type of listening as relating to the story teller and building on a common bond, but now I will be careful to listen to the teller’s experience.

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I mentioned this to my group, but I didn't see any of these listening styles as something I have been too guilty of. I think I have emulated all of these listening styles before at times, but I try to be very mindful of not emulating any of these listening styles...instead I sometimes give into apathetic or just distant listening. To really listen to someone is alot of work, and sometimes I am more guilty of shutting down a little. So, I want to work on being more present.

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I want to be mindful of listening and being patient so that they can tell their story. I want them to feel comfortable, and speak when they are ready to hear from me but know how to answer in the correct way.

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Remember to be the listener, the active listener, and ask before you speak. Be patient and let them know they are being heard.

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Remember to be the listener, the active listener, and ask before you speak. Be patient and let them know they are being heard.

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In Buddhism, Anatman is a paradigm and strategy for embracing non-attachment. No self or selflessness, no ego, no problem.

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I want to be a listener like my co-worker Wanda. When she listens to my stories, her eye contact and warm smile make me feel like what I am saying is the most important thing in that moment......I want to make others feel like that when I listen to them.

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It’s important to put the tools down and set tasks aside to focus on active listening. This can be a challenge for me.

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I find it more awkward being unable to see other’s body language to know if they are seeking a solution or validation.  Maybe using clarifying questions would help.

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I find it more awkward being unable to see other’s body language to know if they are seeking a solution or validation.  Maybe using clarifying questions would help.

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Janice. in order to serve my families better I need to take better care of me. I need to celebrate more to find more joy and to recognize strengths of my coworkers. 

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Janice. in order to serve my families better I need to take better care of me. I need to celebrate more to find more joy and to recognize strengths of my coworkers. 

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Cindy - What I thought:  I need to  focus on working harder at contacting families and listening.

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Cindy - What I thought:  I need to  focus on working harder at contacting families and listening.

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Now I know:  it isn’t about working harder.  It is also about taking more time to connect with my co-workers and being able to be authentic in my contacting and listening to families (not just to make a monthly contact, but to make an authentic, person-to-person contact expressing my care).
Tomorrow I will: practice expressing my care in the group.