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You don't have to live in the negativity of FEEDBACK

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You don't have to live in the negativity of FEEDBACK

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There's been a lot published on how leaders should give feedback, but the real art is in receiving it. We receive feedback as a threat. I have some techniques which you may find useful to apply. First though, because we're all pre-programmed to resist feedback, it's worth knowing where our blind spots are.

If I ask you to think about someone towards whom you feel very warmly, who comes to mind? Your closest friend? Your partner perhaps?

When you imagine this person, how do you feel in the core of your being? What physical sensations do you feel? Where in your body do you feel this? What colors do these feelings evoke?

Now, imagine that this same person, your beloved friend, has just called because they want to meet to give you some feedback on how they experience you as a friend.

What do you feel towards them now in the core of your being? What different sensations do you feel in your body? What colors can you see?

Next, your friend tells you they will be rating you on a scale of 1-10 on listening skills, dependability, honesty empathy and, oh yes, your time-keeping skills.

How do you feel about your closest friend now?

So, imagine if instead of your dear friend calling you in for some feedback it is your boss!
1. We Hear Feedback As Criticism - Which We Are Hard-Wired To Reject
Feedback is a word deliberately chosen for its neutrality. It's intended to be neither positive nor negative; neither criticism nor praise. Just feedback.

Sure, how leaders communicate feedback can have a huge impact on our well-being and performance. It has been shown to help, for instance, when feedback is delivered in a warm and gentle tone of voice. Cosmetic queen Mary Kay famously advised to always "sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise" - a now widely adopted practice which I feel is responsible for why many of us have become completely deaf to praise (which we hear merely as 'filling') as well as to criticism.

Yet, no matter how it is delivered, feedback has come to be understood as "criticism." Yes, it may be sandwiched between two heavy layers of sweet appreciation, but it is the bitter filling of criticism that we are programmed to remember.

Because our brains are designed to protect us from being wrong (especially when we are wrong) we respond to criticism as if our very survival was being threatened.

"Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically," says psychologist Daniel Golem, "almost as powerful as threats to our very survival."
2. We Turn Feedback About Our Actions Into Attacks On Who We Are:
Human beings are meaning-making machines - and the meanings we make up as adults are shaped by the negative meanings we made up when we were children.

I still remember that dark day in October when seated at the kitchen table, aged 6, my father handed me back the letter I had written to my cousins, with his corrections on it. There were spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and places where he found my writing illegible. After I got done re-writing the whole letter, my dad handed it back for me to re-write again, and again. And again. Until he deemed it good enough to send.

I'm sharing this personal story with you because as a human being I'm guessing my reaction to feedback may not be that different yours.

Aged six, I made it mean that I wasn't good enough.

Perhaps you too remember the moment (aged 5 or 6) when your mother or father said something to you, which you interpreted as "I am stupid", "I am ugly" or "I am unlovable."

My belief that I was not good enough meant that for decades I took most feedback to be criticism and all criticism to confirm what I already secretly knew: that I was not good enough.
3. When we don't feel empathy, we reject even useful feedback:
Even though I understood on some level that my father had only my best interests at heart and wanted to help me improve my writing skills, I didn't feel I was being fairly treated - and it's almost impossible to take feedback from someone who you feel is treating you unfairly, even if the feedback makes perfect sense. This, according to Douglas Stone, a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, is one of the main reasons we reject even the most constructive feedback.
4. Although We Can Only Improve By Being Corrected, We Resist Feedback:
Writing in the Harvard Business Review Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone offer this perspective: "The [feedback] process strikes at the tension between two core human needs - the need to learn and grow, and the need to be accepted just the way you are."

Up until that moment in my childhood, every potato print I produced, every drawing I sketched, every poem or story I wrote was perfect. I was perfect. Or, because my first five years had been a shower of praise and gold stars, like the contestants on a talent show before Simon Cowell delivers his verdict, I too thought I was perfect.

Suddenly, in this, my first ever experience of "feedback" my perfect world was shattered. So I resisted the feedback and made my dad wrong.
5. We Don't Remember What's Actually Been Said
Charles Jacobs, author of Management Rewired: Why Feedback Doesn't Work, writes that when we are given feedback that conflicts with our self-image, our instinct is to change the information rather than ourselves.
6. We Gravitate Towards People Who Approve Of Us
Francesca Gino of Harvard Business School discovered that "people tend to move away from those who provide feedback that is more negative than their view of themselves. They do not listen to their advice and prefer to stop interacting with them altogether. It seems that people tend to strengthen their with people who only see their positive qualities."

Having cataloged what I see as being the six biggest obstacles to being able to receive feedback here are a few tips on how to transform feedback into the precious gift it really is.

Practice Active Listening: Maintain good eye contact and keep your body language open-don't cross your arms or legs. Ask questions which clarify what's been said and afterward, summarize what you think you heard.

Just say "Thank You." Even if you're certain you're right and the feedback is wrong, being defensive could shut down future criticism or, worse, get you labeled as "uncoachable" by your colleagues. The only response to constructive criticism is to say "Thank you."

Let It Sink In. Spend a day or two evaluating the feedback you've been given. Does the criticism seem true? Does it describe limitations which other people may have pointed out before?

Don't Wait For Feedback - Actively Ask For It. Rather than waiting for feedback, I solicit it from my clients with three very simple questions:
What are you getting from me that you want more of? What are you getting from me that you want less of? What are you not getting from me that you want?
Then, I steel myself for the reply, in the knowledge that their honesty and my ability to hear it will make the experience of working together way more enriching for both of us.

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Why Feedback Feels Threatening & What To Do About It

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There's been a lot published on how leaders should give feedback, but the real art is in receiving it. Life coach Remy Blumenfeld has some techniques you may find useful to apply - as well as tips on how to avoid the hidden traps around getting feedback.

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A sensitivity to criticism may lead an individual to be negatively impacted by any criticism, even when that criticism is constructive and intended to be helpful. Criticism can sting in any situation, whether the individual criticized believes in the truth of critical comments or knows such comments to be false. Many individuals are able to consider and integrate helpful criticism and experience no lasting effect from it. Experiencing anxiety, depression, anger, shame, or extreme defensiveness when faced with criticism may indicate a high level of sensitivity. When one finds it difficult to cope with criticism or finds oneself constantly revisiting an instance of criticism, it may be helpful to address this sensitivity with a therapist or other mental health professional.

How Does Sensitivity to Criticism Develop?

In the event of criticism, hurt feelings often may be unavoidable. Often a person who is criticized by another can consider what was said and separate the truth in the critique from any personal remarks that may be included in the criticism. Some individuals may be more sensitive to criticism than others, however, for a number of reasons.

When a parent has overly high expectations of a child or protects a child from any disappointment or criticism, this may lead the child to become more sensitive to criticism.

Certain childhood experiences may lead to greater sensitivity. A child who received constant harsh criticism or consistently mixed messages from parents and caretakers, who had difficulty getting along with peers, who did not receive positive reinforcement for accomplishments, or whose sense of competence and confidence was not fostered or allowed to flourish is likely to have difficulty receiving and processing criticism in a healthy manner. Further, when a parent has unrealistically high expectations of a child or protects a child from any disappointment or criticism, this may lead the child to become more sensitive to criticism.

A cognitive bias that leads individuals to interpret ambiguous information in a negative way may also contribute to a person's sensitivity to criticism.

The Impact of Criticism

A sensitivity to criticism describes not only one's reaction to critical feedback, but also one's ability to understand and interpret criticism. A person who experiences a greater sensitivity to criticism may both be more likely to experience a decrease in motivation and performance level and to avoid further opportunities for constructive criticism as a result. Criticism can be helpful in many cases. A peer or supervisor may provide feedback in order to help another improve performance or work more effectively. A friend, mentor, or other trusted individual may also offer criticism in a manner that is intended to be both positive and beneficial.

Criticism that someone interprets as harsh, hostile, or excessive may have a negative impact on well-being. One study found that individuals coping with mental health conditions such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, and agoraphobia, among others, who also believed their loved ones to be highly critical of them, were often more likely to experience setbacks in treatment, have relapses, and face poorer outcomes overall. Researchers believed some individuals were more sensitive to criticism than others due to a cognitive bias that led them to interpret ambiguous information negatively, rather than in a neutral or positive manner. Criticism from those who a person is close to, however, may influence the amount of attention a person pays to signs of negative emotions, effectively contributing to the development of a negative cognitive bias.

At times, criticism may be negative or hurtful, and criticism that is intended as a personal attack can be harmful to well-being. When criticism is excessively harsh, it may be considered a form of bullying. It may be difficult to cope with unjustified or angry criticism, and consistently harsh criticism may also lead an individual to develop a higher sensitivity to criticism. Considering this type of criticism carefully may help an individual isolate any truth in the critique from language that may be painful, unfair, or otherwise difficult to hear.

When children are criticized extensively by their parents, they may begin to think there is something wrong with them. Parents who consistently give negative messages to children such as, "What is wrong with you?", "What were you thinking?", or "How could you do that?" may lead children to develop a negative view of their own abilities and thus come to avoid anything in which they feel they might fail. This view may have a harmful effect later in life, as individuals may develop the viewpoint that they are unintelligent, unskilled, incapable, or unworthy of love.

Issues Correlated with Sensitivity to Criticism

Gordon Atlas, psychology professor and researcher, developed a scale to measure sensitivity out of his research exploring responses to criticism. Tests of the scale indicate that it may be a useful tool to measure both the origins of one's sensitivity to criticism and potential consequences of a high level of sensitivity.

According to research, high scores on Atlas' Sensitivity to Criticism scale were often associated with higher levels of depression, pessimism, and neuroticism. Those who are sensitive to criticism may be more likely to fear negative evaluations and have lower self-esteem. A sensitivity to criticism does not constitute a mental health condition, however, and an individual who is sensitive to criticism is not necessarily affected by mental health concerns as a result of this sensitivity.

Traits of covert/shy narcissism have been correlated to higher levels of sensitivity to criticism, and individuals who experience depression might also be more likely to have a greater sensitivity to criticism. This sensitivity may also be linked with perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and with anxiety and related conditions.

A high sensitivity to criticism may manifest into a tendency to be critical of others, and an individual who has received critique from another may experience the desire to dismiss the criticism or retaliate. When it proves difficult to cope with criticism, a therapist can help an individual explore and cultivate healthy ways to respond to criticism.

In therapy, a person might work to:

Become willing to consider the value that another's critique may have

Develop the ability to listen and understand when a critique is presented

Resist the tendency to become defensive

Understand the perspective of the person providing the criticism

Welcome constructive criticism

Develop methods of communicating one's feelings about critical comments

Because criticism-when offered in a helpful or constructive way-can often be beneficial and help an individual achieve improvement in many areas of life, acknowledging and incorporating criticism can be an important part of one's professional and personal life. A therapist can help an individual become better able to accept criticism without becoming overwhelmed by or ashamed of any personal mistakes or errors.

Coping with Criticism

Criticism can often be difficult to accept. It may be offered when it is not wanted or expected, which may facilitate a defensive reaction that is generally unhelpful in any circumstance. Even when an individual requests feedback, the criticism received may not be what was expected, and it may be difficult for some to accept the critique without feeling it is an unwarranted or personal attack.

When receiving criticism or considering a critique, it may be helpful to:

Remain calm, or postpone the conversation until a state of calm can be achieved

Obtain clarification when criticism is vague or non-specific

Evaluate and consider the criticism and any merit it may have, rather than simply reacting to it

Acknowledge the feedback, even when it was not constructive or helpful, and express gratitude

Avoid counter-criticism, especially when it is fueled by anger or frustration

Case Example

Therapy to address sensitivity: Rhonda, 29, enters therapy, reporting feelings of depression and worthlessness. She tells the therapist she does not think anyone likes or appreciates her and she feels like she constantly lets others down. Her family and friends often criticize her for her choices, she reports, making her feel as if she can do nothing right, and she has reached a point where she feels that no matter how hard she tries, she will still not be "good enough." The therapist helps her explore potential causes of her feelings and discovers Rhonda has deep-seated fears of failure and abandonment. Rhonda fears if she makes mistakes or fails in something she attempts to do, this will lead to people disliking her or leaving her. However, in trying to attain perfection and avoid showing any weakness, she experiences stress. This leads her to make mistakes, which "everyone notices and criticizes," and she experiences distress at even small critiques. Rhonda tells the therapist she recognizes the impossibility of perfection. She does not expect others to be perfect, but she cannot keep from working to attain it herself. The therapist works with Rhonda to help her understand and accept the benefits of constructive criticism. Together, they also address the fact that some criticism may be legitimate while some may be well-meant but have little or no merit. The therapist helps Rhonda explore both of these and develop ways to identify them. Outside of her sessions, Rhonda is encouraged to recognize areas of strength, or daily tasks and activities that she succeeds in, and recognize her own personal ability. After several sessions, Rhonda reports she is better able to welcome feedback on her performance or behavior when the feedback has value. She also reports being better able to ignore negative or unwarranted feedback, such as critique of her appearance.

1. Atlas, G. (1994). Sensitivity to Criticism: A New Measure of Responses to Everyday Criticisms. Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment, 12(3), 241-253. doi:10.1177/073428299401200303

2. Atlas, G., & Them, M. (2008). Narcissism and Sensitivity to Criticism: A Preliminary Investigation. Current Psychology, 27. doi:10.1007/s12144-008-9023-0

3. Haupt, A. (2012, May 15). How to Cope with Criticism. Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/05/15/how-to-cope-with-criticism

4. Masland, S., Hooley, J., Tully, L., Dearing, K., & Gotlib, I. (2014). Cognitive-processing biases in individuals high on perceived criticism. Clinical Psychological Science. DOI:10.1177/2167702614529935

5. Meltz, B. (2005, December 22). Criticism can eat away at a youth's self-worth. Retrieved from http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/articles/2005/12/22/criticism_can_eat_away_at_a_youths_self_worth/?page=full

6. Prior, E. (n.d.). Dealing with criticism when your self-esteem and confidence are low. Retrieved from http://www.professional-counselling.com/dealing_with_criticism_rejection.html

7. Walker, G. (n.d.). Dealing with Criticism. Retrieved from http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/criticism.htm

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Therapy for Sensitivity, Therapist for Sensitivity Issues

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Criticism, even when it is constructive, may be hard to accept. Coping strategies may help lessen a high level of sensitivity to criticism.

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Not everything has to be SO serious! FUN is an essential part of breaking down barriers and becoming closer to each other.

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Not everything has to be SO serious! FUN is an essential part of breaking down barriers and becoming closer to each other.

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"It's the conversations we aren't having that drive our success and failures." -Susan Scott

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"It's the conversations we aren't having that drive our success and failures." -Susan Scott

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It's time we embrace a culture of feedback. This is a sociological perspective that needs to be addressed. As a mentor, am I creating an atmosphere where those around me don't think I want them to thrive? 

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It's time we embrace a culture of feedback. This is a sociological perspective that needs to be addressed. As a mentor, am I creating an atmosphere where those around me don't think I want them to thrive? 

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A version of this article appeared in the Winter 2018 issue of strategy+business.

Not too long ago, 62 employees at a major consultancy found themselves getting called into a room in pairs, neither person having any prior relationship to the other, for what they were told was a role-playing exercise. Researchers asked them to sit across from each other. Participants then learned they weren't assigned to be collaborators, but adversaries - opposing sides engaging in a mock negotiation to buy or sell a biotechnology plant. They had six minutes to haggle over the price, and heart-rate monitors would track the ups and downs of the argument.

When the negotiations were finished, each side gave feedback about his or her opponent's performance. Some participants were told to give the feedback unprompted. Others were instructed to ask for feedback. Quietly, the heart-rate monitors listened.

Here's what the researchers found: If you want to put people on edge, tell them they will receive some feedback. Or, just as bad, tell them they'll be giving feedback. Subjects in the study felt equally anxious offering feedback and receiving it, which might explain why so much workplace feedback - particularly in the United States - amounts to a series of polite statements, with few suggestions for improvement.

"There's a strong culture of being very nice to people, and it's hard to be critical of someone in those conditions," says Tessa West, the New York University psychologist and NeuroLeadership Institute senior scientist who led the study, alongside researcher Katherine Thorson, also of NYU. "How good is the feedback going to be if the person feels this strong normative pressure to be nice during the interaction? It might just be overly nice and not constructive because they feel weird about the feedback experience."

Simple as it may seem, feedback - that ubiquitous necessity of organizational life - has proven to be an axis on which organizational culture turns. Research is suggesting that by switching from giving feedback to asking for it, organizations can tilt their culture toward continuous improvement; smarter decision making; and stronger, more resilient teams that can adapt as needed.

Why Feedback Matters

Feedback isn't just a ritual of the modern workplace. It's the means by which organisms, across a variety of life-forms and time periods, have adapted to survive. To University of Sheffield cognitive scientist Tom Stafford, feedback is the essence of intelligence. "Thanks to feedback we can become more than simple programs with simple reflexes, and develop more complex responses to the environment," he writes. "Feedback allows animals like us to follow a purpose."

Research is suggesting that by switching from giving feedback to asking for it, organizations can tilt their culture toward continuous improvement.

It's no coincidence the words organism and organization share a Latin root. Just as feedback enables the former to flourish, so it does for the latter. The single-celled amoeba that relies on feedback from its marine environment can more easily find bacteria to munch on, and the salesman who risks losing his job owing to missed targets - metrics, too, are a form of feedback - knows he must change his approach, finding better leads or making more of the customers he has. The same is true for the underperforming department that faces restructuring and rethinks how it collaborates. In all cases, feedback is what keeps organisms, and organizations, alive and well.

Even within organizations, feedback can take many forms. Key performance indicators (KPIs) and other quantitative data are perhaps the most recognizable kind of feedback, especially during performance reviews, but conversational feedback - for example, a quick chat over coffee - counts too. Indeed, just as leaders should think carefully about the KPIs that guide behavior on their teams, they should consider the patterns of verbal feedback that guide their teams to improve.

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Research has found roughly 87 percent of employees want to "be developed" in their job, but only a third report actually receiving the feedback they need to engage and improve. The reason for the gap is hardly a mystery: Typical feedback conversations are about as pleasant as a root canal. Managers dread them because it's often unclear what kind of feedback the employee wants or needs, and employees dread them because even light criticism can feel like an assault on their status and credibility. Indeed, West and Thorson's new study found that receivers' heart rates jumped enough to indicate moderate or extreme duress in unprompted feedback situations.

Management gurus have devised a range of tactics to repair these broken interactions. Mostly, they restructure how feedback is given, and apply little thought to what the research literature advises. Under the popular sandwich model, a manager carefully slips a criticism in between two compliments, hoping not to threaten the employee while still offering guidance. Other variations include the start, stop, continue method, which encourages employees to start doing one set of behaviors, stop doing another, and continue doing a third. In our own research of 35 such models, no organization was confident its feedback model was effective at creating lasting behavior change. And tellingly, only one gave tools to the feedback giver, not the receiver.

Of course, some organizations forgo these methods entirely, opting to spend large sums of money - US$1,273 per employee, by some estimates - to build and deploy learning initiatives that seek to improve behavior and performance en masse. These initiatives stand partially, if not entirely, in place of feedback conversations because organizations assume it's easier to get everyone up to speed at once than to let it happen organically.

A growing body of research argues against all of these approaches. This research compels organizations to heed the wisdom of West and Thorson's negotiation study: Developing a culture of asking for feedback may be the most cost-effective way to develop healthy, ever-evolving work cultures.

Mock Negotiations, Real Insights

After the participants in West and Thorson's study finished their negotiations, each person was randomly assigned to one of two conditions: Either they would ask for feedback or just give it outright. Afterward, the researchers asked people how they felt during the interaction. Did they feel anxious? How difficult was hearing feedback about their negotiation skills?

When the investigators analyzed the data, they found a curious effect among the people who gave feedback unsolicited: They were rated as being much friendlier than those who were asked to give it. Not only that, the feedback itself was judged to be more positive. It was only when West and Thorson looked at the givers' heart-rate reactivity and saw it was jumping around erratically that they deduced people were actually terribly anxious during the interaction.

"They're looking really friendly," West says, "but they're feeling really uncomfortable."

Psychologists have come to label this phenomenon " brittle smiles." It happens when people try to adhere to a "culture of niceness," as West calls it, even though they really want to speak or act more candidly and critically. So they overcompensate. They smile too much and become overly positive in their speech.

To West's mind, asking for feedback is the best way to avoid brittle smiles and the culture of niceness. "When you ask for feedback, you're licensing people to be critical of you," she says. "It may feel a little more uncomfortable, but you're going to get honest, more constructive feedback."

This permission, it turns out, is hugely important for putting both parties in a psychological state that's ready for negative news. Without it, the brain begins to revert to a state that isn't conducive to growth, and that finds its roots thousands of years in the past.

The Science of Why Feedback Is So Miserable

Though most of us no longer have to fend off predators, our brains are still exquisitely attuned to threats - both physical and social. It's a vestige of how survival has largely depended on appeasing group members. Among our ancestors, eviction from the group led to a dangerous, isolated existence in the wild.

Modern humans base their decisions on many of the same pro-social, consensus-building impulses. We make polite chitchat at work, even in our most antisocial states, so others will see us as friendly. We avoid talking to the attractive stranger at the bar because something deep and ancient in us registers the possibility of rejection as a matter of life and death. When neuroscientists conduct brain scans of people exposed to social threats, such as a nasty look or gesture, the resulting images look just like the scans of people exposed to physical threats. Our bodies react in much the same ways. Our faces flush, our hearts race, and our brains shut down. No matter if we're giving a speech to thousands or coming face-to-face with a jungle cat, our body's response is the same: We want out.

Feedback conversations, as they exist today, activate this social threat response. In West and Thorson's study, participants' heart rates jumped as much as 50 percent during feedback conversations. (Equivalent spikes have been found during some of the most anxiety-producing tasks, such as public speaking.) In their self-assessments, participants reported feelings that mirror what just about everyone has experienced personally: nerves, uncertainty, and anxiety. All this physiological stress has the unfortunate effect of draining a person's mental resources.

"Giving all that negative feedback that wasn't asked for, you might feel like you just told someone a bunch of stuff they care about," West says, "but they just shut down and stop listening to you."

Even if people retain the information, there's no telling if they'll agree with it, because social threats can create cognitive dissonance. People are inclined to flee the actual room or space where they are threatened; similarly, cognitive dissonance motivates them (pdf) to "flee" the threatening idea itself. People have been shown to more often reject disagreeable information, such as criticism, as patently untrue when they are in a threat state. The goal is self-preservation. If they can convince themselves the critique is false - My boss has no idea what he's talking about! - they can also avoid a bruised ego.

Scientific research suggests that feedback conversations, if they are to be productive, must begin with the goal of minimizing threat response.

The Rewards of Asking for Feedback

Asking for feedback is the path to get to minimal threat response, because it appears to offer both the receiver and the giver much more psychological safety than a giver-led approach. This safety is crucial during feedback discussions because our brains will be in a much better state for performing complex cognitive functions.

One of the strongest models for understanding social threat and reward is what psychologists call the SCARF model. The term stands for status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness, each component referring to a domain of social interaction that can create a threat or reward state in participants. If a meeting has no clear end time or there is no well-defined agenda, attendees may feel certainty threats - negative feelings due to a lack of clarity. Alternatively, if the host clearly lays out the structure and schedule of the meeting, people may feel certainty rewards. In another instance, employees whose manager constantly checks in and meddles with every last detail would rightfully feel threats to their autonomy. They might feel more rewarded if the manager appointed people to lead individual projects, giving them a greater sense of control.

When people ask for feedback, they feel greater autonomy and certainty because they are in the driver's seat - they can steer the conversation where it'll be most useful. Givers, in turn, feel more certainty because they have clearer guidelines for the kind of feedback they should give. The information will be more relevant to the team member and less threatening to his or her status, ultimately making the entire discussion feel more equitable and fair. It might be uncomfortable, but manageably so.

"We're not promising it's going to feel good right away," West says. "But it will be better for you in the long term."

Getting to a Culture of Feedback

West believes what she found in that negotiation room should compel all organizations to adopt an asking model of feedback. However, she realizes how threatening it may seem to actively seek out criticism - perhaps even more nerve-racking than just happening to receive it. Unless an organization has an extremely well-oiled growth mind-set, in which employees absolutely relish the chance to get better, people are unlikely to go searching for anything that might reveal room for improvement.

The key is to start small.

"It's like going on a diet," West says. "You don't want to cut out everything that's delicious. You have to gradually replace the unhealthy with the healthy."

At the office, leaders can begin by asking for feedback on low-stakes topics, such as the temperature in the office or how people felt about yesterday's lunch. The point is to get people used to giving feedback that was asked for. When leaders take the first step, they signal to the wider organization that asking is important, and the low-stakes questions help build a sense of trust and agency in their team members. People are given an opportunity to feel heard, which boosts their status, makes them feel more included, and gives them a greater sense of autonomy. West says it also empowers them to give better feedback, replacing brittle smiles with more honest critiques.

If organizations keep up this behavior, they should have little trouble amping up feedback to tackle larger challenges, West says. But, she adds, organizations would be wise to roll out the initiative according to three criteria, in an effort to get feedback that is less biased, that promotes a growth mind-set, and that cements the habit as part of the corporate culture. Those three criteria are asking for feedback broadly, explicitly, and often.

In typical feedback conversations, one direct report learns of ways to improve from one manager. Even if the person asks for that feedback, it's bound to be influenced by the manager's unique experiences, assumptions, and mood. Indeed, behavioral economists have found that something as simple as eating or not eating lunch before making decisions can skew them in one direction or the other.

Getting broader feedback from higher- and lower-ranking people across departments can reduce the chances that feedback will be biased. The critiques or compliments will better reflect the person's actual performance rather than the mental state of the person they asked.

The second sign of good feedback is that it is explicit. Our research has found that if people ask for more specific feedback, it's bound to be richer and more informative than if they just ask "How am I doing?" or "What can I do better?" One simple reason, based on West and Thorson's research, is the finding that giving feedback creates much more anxiety than getting feedback. Managers deal with incredible uncertainty about what kind of feedback is appropriate, and also about how to deliver feedback in a way that doesn't create a threat state in their employee.

Here West says it's up to employees to equip their managers with the right kinds of questions - a help-them-help-you approach to feedback, she says. These can include "Could you please give feedback on my presentation skills?" or "Should I have spoken up more in yesterday's meeting?" The tactic helps managers avoid what relationship psychologists call "kitchen sinking."

In kitchen sinking, "You say one thing that sucks, and then you pile everything else on that sucks," West says. When employees ask for explicit feedback, they give their manager clearer boundaries.

An added benefit of asking explicitly is that employees can choose the level of construal at which they'd prefer feedback. Construal level covers the spectrum from abstract to concrete, and research has shown people have individual differences in the levels they prefer. For example, if someone wants to improve their presentation skills, a high-construal question might be "What were the goals I should have considered when presenting?" and a low-construal question could be "Did I talk too fast?" The first deals more with the why, the second with the how or what. If employees can tailor their feedback request to their preferred level of construal, they'll be more likely to process and retain the information.

Finally, employees should ask for feedback often - for two reasons. In the short term, frequent feedback allows people to course-correct more quickly than sporadic talks. They can avoid errant thinking and unnecessary problem solving. Frequent feedback requests also shorten the time between events and feedback, so a manager's memory of recent events is fresher and less tainted by bias.

Making Feedback a Habit

The feedback habit is important for both parties. If employees ask for feedback only every so often, they risk wasting valuable energy and discussion time to gain information that merely collects dust. The conversations might feel good, but learning won't be taking place. With more regular interactions, askers get more comfortable asking, givers get more comfortable giving, and both gain experience in seeing how to fill the opposite role when the time comes.

Of course, there will always be times when managers must give feedback unsolicited, such as when team members make inappropriate comments or act on impulse, hurting others' feelings, or worse. The beauty of regularly asking for feedback is that people become emotionally well-equipped to give and receive their feedback in these cases, too. In West and Thorson's study, only one participant demonstrated this give-and-take ability. When she needed to critique the other person, unprompted, she said, "Can I give you some feedback on your eye contact?"

"She turned it into an ask," West observes.

In work cultures where asking is the norm, she says, givers can ask permission to give explicit feedback; receivers can understand the giver's intent; and both can enjoy more accurate feedback, fewer perceived threats, and stronger learning. It all goes back to West's call for people to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, for the sake of personal and organizational growth.

"If both people have license to be critical, it's actually going to be good," West says. The culture can become one of reciprocity, not niceness, which means people will still feel incentivized to give honest feedback, but do so respectfully, since the roles might be reversed someday. "You might be a little more sensitive in how you deliver critical feedback, because you know it's going to come back to you."

Companies that drag their feet and uphold a culture of niceness may feel better from day to day, in other words, but it's the ones that embrace some creative discomfort that make better decisions, and prevail in the end.

Motivate with "Mental Contrasting"

Mental contrasting, developed by psychologist Gabriele Oettingen, is a visualization technique that involves juxtaposing the present reality with the desired future reality to generate motivation. It is essential for feedback conversations because it gets people thinking about how they might improve, not how they've been messing up. Her research has shown that contrasting can help people cut down on food cravings and the desire to smoke, by simply making the future reality come alive in their minds.

To make use of mental contrasting, people must mentally inhabit both temporal worlds - the present and the future - and reconcile how they've been behaving with how they'd like to behave. They can juxtapose the present against a better future if they stop the behavior, such as living longer in the absence of cigarettes, or they can imagine a negative future - lung disease, medical bills, and so on - if they stay on their current path. What's important is that they make the experience as vivid as possible to create strong emotions that will inspire them to create a change.

Leaders can take advantage of the technique in feedback dialogues with questions that expand the conversation. For instance, a manager can ask a direct report to vocalize a few of her long-term goals, and then follow up with such questions as: What steps are necessary to get there? and What about that future is different from the present? Getting the employee to actively imagine her own growth and create a better future can produce intrinsic motivation that leads to rapid, lasting behavior change.

Author Profiles:

David Rock is cofounder and director of the NeuroLeadership Institute (NLI), a global initiative bringing neuroscientists and leadership experts together.

Beth Jones is a senior consultant at, and leads the performance practice for, NLI.

Chris Weller is a senior science editor at NLI.

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David Rock, Beth Jones, and Chris Weller

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Using neuroscience to make feedback work and feel better

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A version of this article appeared in the Winter 2018 issue of strategy+business. Not too long ago, 62 employees at a major consultancy found themselves getting called into a room in pairs, neither person having any prior relationship to the other, for what they were told was a role-playing exercise.

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Let's start with the why. Mentors are needed, and people are looking for a mentor, but what's in it for you? This may sound selfish at first, but it's a good thing to consider: Being a mentor is a substantial time investment, and there is a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, so be clear about what you are getting out of this first.
A way to give back
Most likely you had a mentor in your life too, be it a teacher or someone at your workplace. Becoming a mentor yourself keeps those wheels turning and ensures that the next generation has their own set of mentors as well.
Polishing your skills
However much you think you know about something, getting other people to understand it too will shape and polish your skills substantially. It's no coincidence that learning by teaching is its own field of pedagogy.
Bonus points with employers
You care about someone, make sure they succeed. You push people forward, help them learn and train your own teaching skills, all while polishing important skill sets. Employers like that, and you shouldn't be surprised to find yourself in leadership positions soon.
The deepest network possible
That mentee who joined Apple, that other mentee who now runs their own startup - mentors are rarely forgotten, and as a longterm mentor, you have deep relationships with the people that shape tomorrow.

Different Types of Mentors

Not all mentors are the same. Mentors have different levels of experience, expertise, and knowledge. Some mentors are more hands-off, providing general guidance and letting their mentees find their own way. Others are more involved, offering specific advice and feedback on a regular basis.

Before you can become a mentor to someone, you have to identify what will make you a good fit for your mentee. Keep in mind that mentees may need different types of mentors at different stages of their careers.

For instance, a startup entrepreneur has different mentoring needs than a newly-grad looking for a job. So, it's not uncommon for mentees to have several mentors throughout their life and career journey.

The question is, what mentor type are you? By knowing what type of mentor you are, you can align yourself with the right mentee.

1. Personal Mentor: The Anchor

As a personal mentor, you help your mentee figure out their goals and aspirations. You are there for emotional support and guidance. You give advice on relationships, family, finances, health, and other personal issues.

To be a good personal mentor, you have to know your mentee on a more personal level. They can be long-time friends, work colleagues, or those who hold you in high regard because of your wisdom, good judgment, and astuteness.

You take on the role of a life coach whom mentees can turn to for advice. In turn, you help set priorities and develop a plan to achieve their goals and help them stay on track as they navigate their professional and personal goals.

Being a personal mentor, you must know how to mentor individuals by identifying their strengths and using them as a means to achieve their goals. You help them cultivate the right mindset and positive emotions that will prepare them for the challenges along the way.

Mentees regard you as a role model, an adviser, a cheerleader, and a support system rolled into one. In this aspect, being a good mentor requires you to be an active listener so that you can tailor your mentorship approach to fit the needs of your mentees. You must always have your mentee's best interest in mind when you offer your insights and advice.
How to be a mentor to an individual wanting a mid-life career change
Changing careers is always a big decision to make. Your mentee highly trusts you and will most likely hold on to your every word. So, you have to dispense advice objectively without discouraging. You have to discuss crucial matters that will have a significant impact on the financial, physical, and mental health of your mentee.

As a personal mentor, you need to listen to your mentee's concerns. It's not your job to solve their problems, but you must be able to provide insights on various career options that align with their goals.

2. Expert Mentor: The Master of Your Craft

When you are an expert in your field, you are highly regarded by those who want to acquire and develop the same skillsets you have with the intention of using those skills to achieve what you have achieved.

Like a master craftsman, you have the skills and experience that make you one of the best in your industry. Think of Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Warren Buffet.

Through your wisdom and expertise, which you have accumulated through years of hard work and experience, you are in the best position to mentor individuals who are starting their careers in the field.

For instance, if you have become successful in creating a multi-million dollar tech company, you can be a tech startup mentor who can help mentees build and grow their business. Even established tech entrepreneurs may seek your guidance in figuring out how to overcome obstacles and put themselves in a better position to succeed.

People who are still finding their tech stride can benefit from your mentorship because you have a proven track record in the industry and a real understanding of the market. They see you as the missing puzzle piece who will help catapult their business to new heights.

How to become a mentor for a tech startup founder

Thirty-three percent of startup founders who are mentored by successful entrepreneurs have become top performers themselves. This is a compelling reason why tech startup founders need mentors in their corner.

Tech startup founders need all the help they can get-from funding to product development to emotional support. As a mentor, your success is their yardstick. They want to be aligned with you because you're already where they want to be in their startup journey.

To become an effective mentor for a tech startup founder, you must have extensive knowledge and experience in the field of technology and business. You must be able to provide guidance and support to the founder as they navigate through the early stages of the company.

By identifying their problems and pain points, you'll know how to mentor startups more effectively. As a tech startup mentor, you have to teach them the crucial business questions to ask and help them figure out the answers based on data.

When experience is backed by hard data, it's easy for your mentee to understand the big picture and they can make strategic business decisions that put them in a better position to succeed.

You can be a mentor to your business partner, work colleague, or friend. This special mentoring relationship is built on collaboration and mutual respect. You and your mentee become "co-pilots" in navigating the business processes and tackling issues.

As a colleague mentor, you have certain expertise and experience that complement that of your mentee. So, it becomes a mutually beneficial mentoring approach that helps you hold each other accountable. In that sense, your mentee is also your co-mentor. Having these dynamics, you'll also learn how to be a mentee.

Being in a thinking partnership, your mentee can gain insight from your knowledge and deep understanding of the issues at hand and they can turn to you for advice and guidance. It doesn't mean that your knowledge, expertise, and experience are superior to those of your colleagues. You also benefit from the reciprocal nature of the co-mentoring relationship.

How to be a mentor to a business partner

Not many people are aware that even business partners can be co-mentors. This is because partners are perceived as equals. However, the reality is that one partner may be better at one thing while the other may be better at something else. In this situation, the partnership becomes complementary, which opens the door to co-mentorship.

Being a good mentor to your business partner entails being supportive and encouraging but also being honest. If your business partner is struggling with a task or decision, you must be the one to provide the mental clarity. You can break down the problem into smaller, easy-to-solve parts, which you can tackle together.

A successful mentor-business partner relationship is based on trust, mutual respect, and clear communication. It's not about micromanaging or lording it over the other partner. You must be able to provide constructive feedback and help your business partner stay focused on the goal.

You must also draw from your network for reinforcements. This way, your partner can have access to a wealth of knowledge and resources to help make an informed decision. The dynamics can be flipped where you understand how to be a mentee.

It's often assumed that a mentor is wiser, more experienced, and older than the mentee. This is not always the case. In reverse mentoring, you can take someone under your wing even if you are much younger than the mentee.

It breaks the long-held belief that only a senior leader can mentor a younger person or a junior member of the organization. This makes perfect sense because the average age of successful startup founders and entrepreneurs is 45.

As a reverse mentor, you can pass on new knowledge to your mentee. This mentoring relationship fosters exchange of fresh ideas and perspectives, which closes the generational and skills gap.

How to be a mentor for a senior manager

If you're younger and have less experience, the task of mentoring a senior member of the management team can be extremely daunting. You have to keep in mind that even though senior managers may have solid experience and a wealth of knowledge, there are still plenty of things they don't know.

As a reverse mentor, you must first understand the motivations and goals of the senior mentee. Secondly, you must reiterate that mentorship is a way to encourage and fortify the mentee's role in the organization.

Your role as a younger mentor is to impart knowledge, skills, and resources that the senior mentee does not have. The more senior managers see the benefit, the more they will become committed to the mentorship program.

MentorCruise offers mentorship tools and resources on how to make reverse mentoring work in any organization.
Getting priorities in order
A mentorship will always take time, preparation and care - even if you're getting stressed and swamped with work. How good you are with a certain piece of tech, whether you have 5 or 10 years of experience does not matter as much as whether you have the resources to put some time into this. Showing up is the most important step!

Being a mentor is incredibly rewarding and powerful, so be sure that you can give it the care that it needs. It's important to structure your day to accommodate for this, and reject any mentorship opportunities that you can't accommodate, e.g. due to timezone issues or time requirements.

If you want your mentees to succeed, plan in timeslots in your daily schedule that accomodate for their requests or sessions.
Choosing your mentorship style
Chat-only? Scheduled video calls? Give out your phone number?

How you do mentorship is entirely up to you. Some approaches will fit your lifestyle better than others. If you're on the road a lot, maybe sit-down video calls aren't the best. If you're a slow typer, maybe hop on a call instead.

What's important is that you know, have, and follow your own style of mentorship. Also important is that you communicate what your style is with your mentee. There's nothing worse than a mentee to expect to go on regular video calls with you when you don't really want that.

What mentorship entails is not written down in some kind of handbook. Your mentorship style could be to work in the form of projects and sample challenges. It could be to work on a product or company together. It can be check-in calls once per week to see how studies are going. Each of these methods is valid, as long as they can help your mentee.
Setting a schedule
Especially if you are mentoring globally and online, making sure that timezones and schedules work out is a golden rule.

If you are running into trouble finding times and dates to talk, it can be a good idea to set up a specific schedule, for example, to meet every Wednesday at 1 pm PT for a quick coffee-style video call that takes 15 minutes.

Based on that, you'll also be able to decide on how many times you want to check in on your mentee. Whatever you do, it's important to communicate this. If you manage expectations, it's a lot easier for the mentee to worry about their goals, rather than to worry about you.
How to Be a Good Mentor
Okay, by now you learned the perks of becoming a mentor and how to get started. But, for a passionate and determined individual like you, simply signing up to be a "mentor" is not enough.

It's about being a good mentor. You want to make a real, positive impact-and you want to know how you can deliver that. Let's talk about some mentoring tips and strategies to foster greatness:
Listen First & Communicate
Are they looking for support? Guidance? Insight? It can vary between meetings. Being a good mentor entails listening carefully to your mentees and learning their problems, goals, and expectations. Your help should be tailored to what they need and less tied to your own agenda-which can be intrusive to their plan.

Research has shown that poor communication is a leading cause of failed mentoring relationships. It's much easier to establish a mutually beneficial dynamic if you and your mentee are honest, open, and share similar goals and expectations.

Following that note, MentorCruise makes it easy to establish expectations, so you know what you're in for from the start. A mentee can state their needs and expectations and submit them. After which the ball is now in your court: approve the application if you can be helpful and perhaps improve their goals through a consultation.

Remember, a successful mentoring relationship shouldn't include one-sided conversations where you simply instruct-it's an open, non-judgmental discussion that encourages thought-sharing, identifying weaknesses, and improving through fearless communication.
Give Constructive Criticism
It goes without saying that you don't want to offend or judge your mentee. But, there's a difference between that and sugarcoating your feedback to the point where they miss the point. To become a good mentor, you need to deliver constructive criticism.

If your mentee sucks at something, research shows that the most constructive approach is focusing on behaviors that can be improved. Be honest with them, and don't be afraid of them getting upset. Tell them to toughen up because sugarcoating is a privilege, a kindness undeserved in the real world. If they mess up in action, the consequences are severe. Better they hear it from you-someone who cares about them, than a boss who won't hesitate to punish incompetence.

An effective way to offer advice is by sharing your experience, like a past mistake in a similar position. End it off with a " Don't do what I did, and that's why." 9.9 times out of 10, your mentee, at the very least, will recognize their wrong path, and that's where you come in to guide them into amending the error.

All in all, if you want to know how to be a good mentor, you need to know how to give constructive criticism. Here's a quick list of how to go about it:

1. State your observation. You saw a weak point. Point it out. You can share a similar personal experience and use some self-deprecating humor while you're at it-to come off more relatable, humble, and welcoming.

2. Pinpoint the area for improvement. There's a thin line between criticism and constructive criticism. Actionable suggestions for betterment are the latter. The ultimate goal of a great mentor is not to highlight a weakness but to highlight an area of improvement-learn the difference.

3. Keep up an appreciative tone. Maintaining a calm, respectful tone in your voice reminds your mentee that you're helping them and not hating on their character. Your intentions may be pure, but your mentee will think the worst if you sound harsh and annoyed.

4. Understand their concerns. Don't just give your feedback and screw off. Sit and see if the mentee has something to say-and address them. Was there a reason they took that approach? Is there something stopping them from following your advice? Do they... disagree? An effective mentor expects a reply back and sticks with the mentee through the entire journey.

Remember to Be Human & Practice Empathy
A great mentor-mentee relationship goes beyond professional transactions. Sure, you're there to guide a newbie on their career path, guide their own decisions, and let them tap into your valuable industry experience.

But, if you want to become a better mentor, realize that your support may extend beyond career goals. They may extend to a more personal level. After all, career development and success are only possible if you have a stable base-and that starts at home.

Your mentee could be going through something, and you need to pick up their energy and work to help them through it. You also don't want to be hard on them because they're following a different path. A good mentor respects alternate approaches and doesn't have immediate expectations or judgments.

If you want to know how to be a mentor that's more empathetic, research shows that you must focus on understanding perspective and mastering situational adaptation.

Perspective-taking: looking at things from the mentee's shoes and trying to relate to them.

Listen carefully

Acknowledge and respect that not everyone is on/took the same path as you

Adaptability: your ability to be open, responsive, flexible, and sensitive to your mentees' wants, needs, and experiences.

Appreciate differences

Reflect on innate judgments and break any stigmas you may have

Empathic mentors better help mentees cope with their own mistakes and the relationship's highs and lows and feel more satisfied in their relationships in general.
Treat Your Mentee like a Partner
First Round Review studied 100 mentor-mentee matches. One of the success factors found was that you can't treat your mentoring relationships like a transaction.

If you're not careful, things will get one-sided fast. You'll just do the talking, and your mentee will just do the listening. Treating your mentee more like an equal will make them feel more comfortable asking questions and opening up to you-which is the best way to learn and effectively help them.
Trust them with the process
Of course, it may be tempting to take the wheel because "you know better." But, what's most important for being a good mentor is that you nurture an a) leader who can critically think on their feet and make their own decisions (under your guidance) and b) a challenger who isn't afraid to question authority when they're curious.

How do you accomplish a) and b)?

Think of yourself as a driving instructor. As the passenger, you let your mentee control the journey. Nevertheless, you remain on hand to guide them or to hit the emergency brake if needed. Adding an element of autonomy, assigning responsibility, and letting your mentee think for themselves will improve their confidence and demonstrate your faith in them.

At the same time, let them know that you're there for any questions or advice for a great mentorship experience. Tell them that they shouldn't hesitate in the slightest to ask about an itch. The last thing they need is to feel like you'll go crazy on them for dropping the ball.
Share on your life & be a positive role model
Additionally, by treating them as partners, you establish the grounds to share your work and personal life. Shedding light on how you tackle day-to-day challenges or big barriers in conversation is a valuable learning experience for your mentee. Furthermore, if you ask for their input, you'll not only diversify your perspective but stimulate the mentee's brainstorming skills.

Becoming a good mentor means fostering mutual growth and your mentee's development with a "teammate" mentality over a teacher-student "I instruct, you listen" vibe. As the mentor, you're mainly responsible for setting this tone.

How to mentor software developers (example)

For example, let's say you want to learn how to be a good mentor for software developers. Your mentee may be new and nervous working with a coding god such as yourself. Naturally, they may be a little too reliant on you.

A good way to help them grow is by letting them strategize technical solutions while you critique them, instead of strategizing yourself. Then, near the end of the call, have a rant session about a back-end bug you had to fix and ask how they'd approach it. Later, reveal how you approached it.
Celebrate Achievements
Mentorship conversations tend to revolve around the negative stuff because people often look to a mentor during difficult times. When you celebrate a mentee's successes, you're not just balancing the mood of the conversation, but you're also building an individual's confidence, reinforcing their conduct, and keeping them motivated.

Great mentors provide interpersonal support like respect and recognition, but also encouragement, emotional support, and opportunities for affiliation, which positively impact the meaningfulness of one's work and perceptions of themselves.

Mentioning mentees' success may also satisfy their need for recognition and approval from their mentors. The way you celebrate their achievements is entirely up to you.

For instance, if you are a peer mentor helping onboard a new employee, you may choose to publicly acknowledge their success by telling their team or manager about it. Or, if your relationship is still remote, then you can encourage a success story on MentorCruise's blog platform and show the community your mentee's amazing progress with you.
BUT: Celebrate responsibly
However, as a career mentor, make sure that you don't push success too hard over learning experiences-which is more important.

Although it's crucial to celebrate accomplishments occasionally for a self-esteem boost, demonstrate to your mentee that it's also vital to practice humility in positive situations. It's not wise to let your wins blind you from the bigger picture.

Doing so will prevent your mentee from going down a path of half-earned successes and unnecessary celebrations that unhealthily stroke the ego.
Jump right into it
Now the question: I'm ready to mentor - where can I find mentees and start with this?

A good way to find mentees is through our mentorship program at MentorCruise. Not only do we offer you the tools, coaching, and visibility to succeed as a mentor, we also make sure that your mentees apply through a formal pipeline, rather than just writing to you directly.

We'd be honored if you'd choose to mentor with us applications are open anytime, we'd be happy to have you.

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How to Be a Good Mentor Your Mentee Listens to

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Mentors are loved by mentees and employers alike. They are great leaders, show empathy for people in sticky situations, and know their skills in and out. But how can you be a good mentor?

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Sometimes it's not so much about you, as it is about them. Is this person not used to receiving feedback? Did they think the role would come easier to them than they realized? Do people equate feedback with harsh criticism because that is all they have experienced in the past? Does this person not accept feedback because nobody has actually been honest with them out of fear of how they react? 

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Sometimes it's not so much about you, as it is about them. Is this person not used to receiving feedback? Did they think the role would come easier to them than they realized? Do people equate feedback with harsh criticism because that is all they have experienced in the past? Does this person not accept feedback because nobody has actually been honest with them out of fear of how they react? 

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How long does it take someone to process and apply feedback? How can people giving feedback not feel obligated to focus more on the person's feelings? Who supports the mentor when needed?

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How long does it take someone to process and apply feedback? How can people giving feedback not feel obligated to focus more on the person's feelings? Who supports the mentor when needed?

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How long does it take someone to process and apply feedback? How can people giving feedback not feel obligated to focus more on the person's feelings? Who supports the mentor when needed?

# data[].attributes.subject
How long does it take someone to process and apply feedback? How can people giving feedback not feel obligated to focus more on the person's feelings? Who supports the mentor when needed?