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Many years ago a friend told me her practice when she gets out of bed each morning. She says when she puts her first foot on the ground, she says the word, "thank." When she puts her second foot on the ground, she says the word, "you." I have adopted this gratitude habit since hearing my friend's message. "Thank You" are two powerful words in the habit of practicing of gratitude.

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For the better part of the last 7 years, I've been fortunate enough to be a coach for school leaders. The coaching relationship is something I am always grateful for, but to be honest, I have become increasingly concerned by the number of times I have heard leaders engage in self-judgment. Just in the past week I’ve heard leader say, “I failed,” or “I made a mistake on that document and would love to go back and change it all,” or “I just don’t feel like I’m doing a good job.” However, when I ask them about the actions they are taking, I can tell that they are using strategies, working with people through an empathy lens, and doing their best to support people through challenging times.

What does this have to do with gratitude? I feel an aspect of my coaching that I need to tap into more often is that of highlighting when a leader engages in self-judgment and help them see what they consider a mistake or failure, as a moment where they grew as a leader. Every time a leader or teachers engages in self-judgement, they chip away at their own self-efficacy.

Part of coaching is to help teachers and leaders see the actions they are engaging in and practice gratitude for that hard work, at the same time we help them find their next steps. Teaching and leading is hard, but it’s even harder when we only see what they are not doing and ignore all of those things they are doing.

If you’re a coach:

Call out (politely) when you hear someone engage in self-judgment.

Reframe the conversation to talk about what they learned in the experience.

Ask them how they can move forward differently.

If you’re a teacher or leader:

Be a witness to your inner critic.

Be kinder to yourself.

Take moments to focus on those actions that are having impact and be grateful for those actions you are taking.

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For me, gratitude is about supporting those I work beside, daily. In wanting individuals to know I am grateful for their efforts; I do my best to support through this language:

How can I help?

Together we are better!

I understand.

I trust you.

I appreciate your commitment.

I appreciate your hard work.

I own that mistake.

I apologize.

Do you have the materials you need?

I'll defend you and our team.

Being grateful for the educators I work with daily; I feel it necessary to lead using this leadership language that impacts actions. My hope is that in return my colleagues sense my gratitude by supporting their work and actions as I try daily to incorporate this language into conversations.

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Listening is an important skill to develop as an instructional coach. We paraphrase to show coachees that we are listening, are interested, and share understanding. This simple act has made it important to pay attention to specifics and put your own opinions, judgements, and life experiences out of mind. The coaching conversation is about the coachee, not the coach.

Similarly, I am working to improve the way I show gratitude towards others. I desire to share my appreciation through specific recognition of those around me. I aim to avoid telling my own stories, and instead highlight the impact of stories from others.

I recently witnessed this at a PLC conference with one of the keynote speakers. After a session, an attendee came up to talk with the speaker. They initially thanked the speaker but kept going on and on about their school and how what they were doing aligned with the elements of the PLC process. It was a pleasant exchange and the speaker was attentive, but showed little more than curtesy with the attendee. What I saw next was telling. Another attendee walked up to the speaker a moment later and was specific about showing appreciation for something the speaker did during the presentation that supported their learning. The speaker's face visibly changed, they said "thank you, that is what we were trying to achieve," and put their hand to their chest in appreciation.

Observing those two contrasting interactions will stay with me. I witnessed how being attentive, specific, and making it about the person being thanked makes all the difference in the world. This is how I wish to show gratitude.