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You are allowed to document the birth of your baby the same way you had planned before you knew your baby would be stillborn.

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I am so sorry you lost your baby. I do not know what it is like as a Dad to have a stillborn. I do know one though and I love him so much.

It's okay to be sad, angry, confused, and any other emotions losing a child brings up in you.

Please use these resources to help you. Know that you are not alone.

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There are so many things you can do. Every time I listen to a Podcast, read a social media post, or talk to a fellow loss parent, I write down new ideas. People are so thoughtful and creative. Here is mere list to give you ideas and to spark your own.

You are allowed to do whatever you want. This is your baby. You are their parent. Parent them. Celebrate them. Remember them.

Purchase a bench in memory

Have a "pay it forward" day on their birthday

Look for "signs" and a "presence" in daily life

cardinals, butterflies, rainbows, etc.

Collect items in memory of your baby

Write letters to your baby

Every day, on their birthday, on milestones

Purchase gifts and donate them

for holidays, their birthday, when you see something at the store

Order memorial items

rings, ornaments, art

Donate to a charity/loss organizations when you would purchase things for your baby

Purchase items for your baby’s milestones and keep them as keepsakes

Say goodnight to your baby

Make them a cake on their birthday

Get a tattoo or 10

Sing them a song

everyday, on holidays, on their birthday

Purchase a stocking, Easter basket, Halloween Costume, etc.

Keep them or donate them

Our first holiday without Arlo was Easter. We had so many plans that included him. It was heartbreaking without him. We did small things to include him at home. The Easter Bunny left Lucas an egg scavenger hunt and Arlo was included in the last clue. Other than that, we didn't ask for anything else. It was so painful. I decided after that he will be included in every holiday. In some way. I will speak up and request that family members do things to honor him. I plan on asking anyone who gets Lucas a basket or stocking-that Arlo gets one too. They can leave it empty, fill it and donate the items, get a different one each year, keep the same one, that can be up to them. I want to see a place for him, his name, I want to see him remembered.

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This guide is made for parents going through the beginning stages of stillbirth; from hearing the news to leaving the hospital. This guide was written by a fellow loss mom with input from many loss families. Your journey is just beginning, but you are never alone 

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This guide is made for parents going through the beginning stages of stillbirth; from hearing the news to leaving the hospital. This guide was written by a fellow loss mom with input from many loss families. Your journey is just beginning, but you are never alone 

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My name is Jade and I am a Mom, an elementary school teacher, training to become a birth and bereavement doula, and a loss mom. Here is a piece of my story...

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My name is Jade and I am a Mom, an elementary school teacher, training to become a birth and bereavement doula, and a loss mom. Here is a piece of my story...

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I am a meticulous planner. I love to make lists, organize anything and everything, and I make plans for everything. When I was pregnant with my baby Arlo, everything followed my plan. I signed up for short term disability insurance, got pregnant for a certain due date, and I was planned and prepped. I never imagined my story would end in loss. I knew a handful of people who lost babies and I would even let my mind go there- it happened to other people. I thought I was exempt.

We found out I was pregnant with Arlo in late June of 2023. I knew I was pregnant before the test even showed a positive result. I had about 2 weeks where I felt good and we celebrated by going to the Zoo with my living son, Lucas.

With my last pregnancy (with Lucas) I was very sick for about 4 months so I expected a similar experience with this pregnancy. I was spot on. I was very sick and ended up in the ER before my first OB visit. We tried everything to manage the sickness and nothing helped in the beginning. I would become very familiar with the ER. My sickness lessened, but never went away. I was medicated until the day I delivered.

The pregnancy was interesting. I was sick, tired, and never had it "easy". Every test I took, I failed, retested, and then magically passed. Things weren't wrong but weren't right either.

I had a virtual 37 week OB appointment on a Tuesday. My blood pressure was high so I was sent to the hospital. Per usual, once I was checked at the hospital I was fine, the baby was fine, and I was sent home.

On Wednesday evening I started having contractions. They felt very much like cramps but nothing that alarmed me. (My water broke with my first son so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect this time around.) On Thursday I was extremely tired and decided to take a sick day on Friday to rest up and relax so labor could progress. That night we were getting ready for bed and I realized that he wasn't as active as usual. He was such an active baby and was always doing flips and kicks. I called him my ninja. I rested and paid attention (aka a kick count). After Googling I decided to call the OB after hours line. They forwarded my message and the OB on call called me. She suggested I come in. We called my Mom to watch Lucas and we prepped for the hospital. Loss wasn't even in my mind. I was even a little excited thinking that maybe we would have a baby soon. I even thought I felt him kick on the car ride there.

We checked in through the ER. I couldn't get words out to say the reason for our visit. Looking back, that is when the possibility hit me. Why are we here? What does that mean? What is wrong?

Once on the OB floor, I changed and the first nurse came in. We heard a heartbeat and soon learned that it was mine. I still had hope or I was in denial. The doctor used a portable ultrasound machine and still could not find a heartbeat. They had an ultrasound tech check as well. When the ultrasound tech's breath changed I knew. She just kept taking deep breaths and scanning. The doctor shortly returned with a team of nurses and she didn't even have to say the words I knew. My sweet, beautiful, baby boy had died at 37 weeks and 4 days. We lost the final piece of our family. My baby died.

We decided to go home and we planned on returning Saturday morning to deliver. I could not stop thinking about that...I had to deliver my stillborn baby. How? How would I do that?

We ended up staying the night at my mom's house. We didn't sleep or eat. We just cried.

We worked so hard and planned so much for this baby. He was so wanted.

We left my son with my mom and brother and returned home to make plans.

On Friday, a different doctor called and wanted us to come in for some bloodwork. I remember almost every word of that phone call. I remember feeling so numb and overwhelmed. I couldn't think.

We returned on February 9. The doctor offered a C-section based on my bloodwork results. We agreed. The hospital offered us access to doulas and our delivery began.

I begged and wished for a mistake, for him to miraculously be alive once he was delivered. My heart broke all over again when my husband said he was out. The silence was soul crushing. One of our wonderful doulas held him by my head while they finished my surgery. He was beautiful and prefect. He looked just like his big brother.

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Remember that these are the first and last moments with your baby physically present. 

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Remember that these are the first and last moments with your baby physically present. 

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Take as many photos as possible. Include your baby's face, take a photo as a family, photograph anyone who holds the baby. If anyone asks to take a photo...say yes.

Ask family members to gather items you purchased for your baby or ask them to purchase them for you. Here is a small list of ideas:

Baby's Special Outfit

Hands/Feet Molds

Hands/Feet Prints

Fingerprints

Birth Announcement Sign

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February 8, 2024

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Your milk will most likely "arrive" 2-5 days after your delivery. For me, this was another earth shattering blow. My baby died and my body still didn't get the memo.

You have two paths; dry up or donate. I chose to stop my production so I do not have much information about donation. I would suggest talking to your hospital, doctor, and lactation consultant about that path.

Donation:

https://www.hmbana.org/find-a-milk-bank/overview.html

Suppression:

Here some general tips for comfort and then some resources for additional information.

*Please be sure to seek medical advice from your doctor.*

You may have access to a lactation consultant. I called mine and got advice over the phone.

Ice

Cabbage Leaves (I do not know the science behind this but my OB recommended it and it actually helped!)

Compression (sports bra)

Medication (there are medications that could help during this time)

Milk Minute Podcast

Ep. 25- Lactation after a loss- The episode we ALL need to hear.

https://www.milkminutepodcast.com/show-notes/ep-25-lactation-after-a-loss-the-episode-we-all-need-to-hear/

Rapid Weaning (Lactation Suppression)

https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/resources/rapid-weaning#:~:text=To%20stop%20making%20milk%20you,to%20'normal'%20more%20slowly.

My intentions were to collect breastmilk from Arlo's journey and combine it with milk I kept from when I had Lucas and make a breastmilk ring. I collected some (the only milk I expressed) and saved it. I haven't made any decisions so it just sits in my freezer, but I am glad it is there. Just in case.

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I am so proud of you. You are a friend or family member of a loss parent and you are choosing to educate yourself. That already shows how much your love your friend/family member. I want to start off by saying that this is my personal opinion with input from other loss families. EVERYONE grieves differently. This approach may not be received well by your friend or family member...that is okay; you will try again.

My biggest advice is to talk to them. Ask and listen. If they know what they want and tell you, do that! If they post things on social media and you see it, do that!

For me, the silence is the worst part. People acting like it didn't happen, like he didn't exist crushes my soul. I do not know exactly what I want all the time, but I do know that I do not want silence.

In this section you will find what I need/needed and what other families did as well.

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Anything that begins with "At least..."

At least you got pregnant.

At least you have a living child.

At least you got to hold him.

At least you are young and can try again.

Anything that begins with "You can just..."

You can just have another baby.

You can just move on.

Anything related fate/God's Will...

God must have needed him more.

He is in a better place.

*For lack of a better phrase, know your audience. If the loss parents are spiritual or religious and you extensively know their faith- feel free to use that as a way of comforting them. If you do not know their beliefs it is best to keep your religion and spiritual beliefs out of comments.

Anything that diminishes the baby's life...

He may have been sick.

His quality of life would have been poor.

It was probably best he died.

Anything related to time...

It's been a while, you should be good.

You are still sad?

Any questions or comments related to a new pregnancy or baby...

When will you try again?

Are you going to have another baby?

If you are questioning what to say, try saying it out loud. How does it sound?

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As loss families we are taught that most people do not have "bad" intentions. They do not say or do things to intentionally hurt you...that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

These things will be unique and different for each family of loss, but here is a guide from the general community.

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Let's start by acknowledging that your first, second, or many interactions with a loss parent will be awkward and sad. That is okay.

Especially if you know you will be seeing a loss parent soon, I want you to practice. THINK and PRACTICE what you will say. Have a handful of phrases and comments ready so you are prepared and confident because the moment will be tough, but you can be supportive anyway.

Try these...

I am so sorry.

This sucks.

I am not sure what exactly to say.

No one should have to outlive a child.

Do you want to share his birth story? (Be prepared for this one!)

I would love to see his photos if you are willing to share them with me. (Be prepared for this one too!)

I wish baby ___ was here with us now.

Baby ___ would have loved doing this with us.

He is so missed.

He will always be a part of our family.

USE THE BABY'S NAME.

Write it on cards, say it out loud, trust me, we want to see and hear it. We may cry but in a good way.

My greatest fear is that my baby is forgotten. I will never forget him. No one is "reminding" me about my dead baby. They are just showing me that they remember him too.

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There are many helpful things and I will share what helped me the most and what has helped others. There are different "phases" of grief and loss.

In the beginning...

While the family is at the hospital, the last thing they need to worry about is "house keeping" items. If you are close enough to have a key or be comfortable with their house- here are some helpful things...

Clean their house.

The environment they will return to will impact their emotional and physical state.

Think about things like sweeping the floor, emptying the garbage, washing dishes, cleaning out their fridge, etc.

Take care of pets.

Take their dog for a walk, clean the litter box, feed their pets, etc.

Upon their return from the hospital...

They may want company and to be surrounded by people, they may want to be alone, and their wishes may change in a split second or one moment to another. Honor their wishes.

Cook or purchase meals for their return.

I will be honest, I didn't eat much, but I had to feed my kid. The most helpful things for us were things that were delivered to our door. They were interaction free and store-bought which were top components for us. I didn't want to throw away a bunch of food and we oversupplied in the beginning. Keep this in mind. Snacks and pre-packaged food were a safe bet for us. Another loss mom gave us paper plates and plastic cutlery which was AMAZING because I didn't have the capacity to wash dishes.

Continue to clean their house.

Continue to care for their pets.

Continue to care for their living children.

People process loss and grief differently. You may be shocked by the choice of a funeral or lack thereof. You may think they need to do XY Z. Remember that it is not your baby. They are parenting the best they can. Refrain from judgement.

People may want to talk and share their baby, others may be more introverted. The best you can do, is offer your support and listen to their wishes.

Try this...

"I am here for you if/when you want to talk. If you think of something you need I can help."

More Ideas...

Here are some of my favorite things that people did for us that were food related.

Hello Fresh Meal Kit or a Ready Made Meal

Cheryl's Cookies

Love Berries

Edible Arrangement

Spoonful of Comfort

Here are some things that are not food related.

Purchase something in memory of the baby

Send a care package (Emma's Footprints offers one)

Cards

Donations to a charity

Later in Grief...

How you support your family and friend will change because what they need/want will change throughout their grief journey that will last a lifetime.

Check with your loss parent before you act. What people want will be different. Remember to ask.

Here are some wonderful ideas that have been shared...

Plan a Birthday Party for their baby

Make donations in their honor

Purchase gifts/memorial items for them

Participate in memorial walks/fundraisers/ etc.

Text or call them on their baby's birthday

Check in after a pregnancy/birth announcement from mutual friends

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For Siblings:

We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1041346

The Invisible String

https://patricekarst.com/the-invisible-string-origin-story/

My Sibling Still

https://www.mysiblingstill.com/about

For Parents:

Unexpecting

https://unexpectingbook.com/

Stillborn Still Loved

https://www.stillbornstilllovedfoundation.org/get-support

stillborn, still loved (journal)

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/53230358

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My motto is this,

"I am using my resources to grieve in a safe and healthy way. I say yes to everything. This helps me find what 'sticks'. Some things I have continued since I lost Arlo and others helped initially and no longer do. I am not afraid to say no, but saying yes first helped me."

Here are some things that may help you.

Journaling

Talking to other loss parents

https://www.stillbornstilllovedfoundation.org/team-4

https://www.emmasfootprints.com/our-services

(Care Team)

Podcasts

https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/emmasfootprints

https://andysmom.com/

Grief/Support Groups

https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/chapters/chapter-locator/

https://www.emmasfootprints.com/support-groups

https://childbereavement.org/support-groups/grief-support.html

Therapy

See the Therapy Tab under Life After Loss

Do not be afraid to ask for help. This is an unbelievably difficult loss.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK(8255)

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Baby's Special Outfit

Hands/Feet Molds

Hands/Feet Prints

Fingerprints

Birth Announcement Sign

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Emma's Footprints

(814) 464-5989

https://www.emmasfootprints.com/

Funeral and Memorial Financial Support

Counseling

Support Group

Care Packages

Care Team

Guy's Grief

Podcast

Stillborn Still Loved Foundation

https://www.stillbornstilllovedfoundation.org/

Support

Remembrance

Stillborn Still Loved Book

Awareness

Milk Minute Podcast

Ep. 25- Lactation after a loss- The episode we ALL need to hear.

https://www.milkminutepodcast.com/show-notes/ep-25-lactation-after-a-loss-the-episode-we-all-need-to-hear/

Hey Loss Mama

https://www.instagram.com/heylossmama/

Mama to Hayden Jae

Grief | Joy | Healing | Evolution | Growth | Sovereignty

Rediscover Your Voice & Power

Hey Loss Mama Foundation™️

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There are many ways to find therapists that will help guide you during your grief journey. Start by asking your OB, hospital, and general doctor for local suggestions. You may want someone who specializes in grief or you might prefer someone more local. If you happen to know someone in this field, reach out to them for suggestions. Here are some online resources to help.

Online Search

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Emma's Footprints

Emma's organization works closely and recommends Pam Presler. Contact her via email at pamelapresler@gmail.com

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What you need will change daily. This grief, this loss, will last a lifetime. Nothing will make you forget your baby and you won't ever want to. Someone compared their grief journey to a roller coaster and I agree. I will have one day that just about defeats me. The next day will be full of joy and the day after that will be full of productivity. That is normal-so they tell me.

You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

Look at the Mental Health section under the Postpartum Care section. It gives a list of things that may be helpful. Think about new hobbies. Do things that bring you joy.

Joy was a tough one for me. How could I be joyful? I learned that joy looks different now. I like to think of my grief as a person. A friend. I reference her as "she". She is with me always; even in my joyful moments. She is there. She is a reminder of Arlo. That he is so loved and missed. He was so wanted and planned. And lost.

It is okay to have days where you don't get out of bed or shower. Someone said that they made promises to their lost baby and I loved that. I decided to promise Arlo many things. One of those promises was that this will not kill me. I will be a good mom to Lucas and I will do something with this pain. I will make it beautiful. Grief will always be with me, but she will not drown out the good, the joy, the future.

Make promises to your baby too. Stay afloat. Reach out. Live. Find joy.

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Guys and Grief

https://guysandgrief.com/podcast/

Dad Still Standing

https://www.dadstillstanding.com/

Still Parents Podcast

https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/about-the-show

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If you are very close with the parents maybe you are grandma or grandpa you are probably taking care of living children or visiting the hospital. Here is my short list for you...

Take care of living children. Listen to their wishes about sharing details and what/when to tell living children about the death of their sibling. *See the resource guide for book ideas.

Visit the Hospital. Take items they ask for or may need. Your family may not have been prepared for this news and they may not have had time to pack a hospital bag or grab one they had packed. Think of essentials that the hospital may not provide. You can even call the hospital and ask what they provide and what is needed.

Take a million pictures. They may not be able to verbalize what they need or want in this moment, but they will want to look back eventually. Use the photo and video tab to help with ideas.

Help gather and create memorial items. The parents may have these items already purchased or you may need to purchase some of these things for them. Coordinate with the hospital as well because they may provide resources that can help with memorial. Here is a short list of ideas...

Baby's Special Outfit

Hands/Feet Molds

Hands/Feet Prints

Fingerprints

Birth Announcement Sign

You may be asked or may offer to go to the loss parent's house and do something with their baby's belongings. Some people want may want it untouched (this was our choice) and others may want it packed away. Either way, this is a very difficult decision and if you are asked it will be difficult for you as well. Remember this is an honor.

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Religion is a doozy!

I think this is something that needs its own space. As I said earlier,

Do not say anything related fate/God's Will...

God must have needed him more.

He is in a better place.

Etc.

*For lack of a better phrase, know your audience. If the loss parents are spiritual or religious and you extensively know their faith- feel free to use that as a way of comforting them. If you do not know their beliefs it is best to keep your religion and spiritual beliefs out of comments.

...

This is such a sensitive topic. I have read about people who would have consider themselves very faithful and religious, now they aren't.

I have also read about people who were the opposite and adopted faith after a loss.

There are people who dive deep, those who avoid, and those who aren't sure. This isn't a time to make your religion a priority in their life. Religion can easily offend at a time like this. Let the loss parents and family bring up this topic. Then you know their path and can follow it.

Provide comfort without religion.

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People have good intentions, they want to help, YOU want to help. Here are some specific Podcasts that I found to contain helpful and specific information for family and friends.

How can friends help during a loss?

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/for-the-inexperienced-friend/id1532951986?i=1000519219551

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Dr. Kliman from the Yale School of Medicine provides the option to have your placenta examined and tested to help find the cause of loss.

"Our goal is to help families and doctors understand why a pregnancy loss occurred. We examine the placenta from the affected pregnancy to determine the most likely cause. Please pick the appropriate tab below to obtain more information on how we can help you."

https://medicine.yale.edu/obgyn/kliman/placenta/pregnancyloss/

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https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3400252/

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My goal is to be there. As a mother who has experienced empowerment from love and loss, I want to help support women during their greatest joys and heartbreaking sorrows.

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I am currently involved in Stillbirthday Birth and Bereavement Doula Training.

More information will be available once I receive my certification.

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Here is a list of local resources to Western PA. Please keep in mind, this is a basic start and your healthcare team can provide you with individualized care.

Fertility Support:

https://www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/magee/services/obstetrics-and-gynecology/obstetrics/center-for-fertility-and-reproductive-endocrinology

https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/pennsylvania/

https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/

Maternity and Birth Support:

https://midwifecenter.org/

https://www.independence.health/services/womens-health-services/maternity-care/

https://www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/horizon/services/womens-services/birth-place

https://www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/magee/services/obstetrics-and-gynecology/obstetrics/labor-and-delivery/doula-services

Postpartum Support:

https://www.meetup.com/topics/postpartum/

https://breastfeedingcenterofpittsburgh.com/

https://www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/magee/services/obstetrics-and-gynecology/obstetrics/lactation-center

https://www.themom.co/home

https://www.upmc.com/services/south-central-pa/women/services/pregnancy-childbirth/new-moms

https://www.upmc.com/services/south-central-pa/women/services/pregnancy-childbirth/new-moms/support-groups

Bereavement Support:

Please see the rest of this site which focuses on bereavement support. I have found other Doulas in the area have complied a list of local resources as well and it is very extensive. They deserve all of the credit for compiling these resources.

https://pittsburghbereavementdoulas.com/resources/