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Receive a $500 grant to make your school "grief informed".  Contact Michelle to schedule.   

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Receive a $500 grant to make your school "grief informed".  Contact Michelle to schedule.   

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The Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative (GSSI) seeks to better equip teachers to care for grieving students by introducing GrievingStudents.org and other valuable grief resources to local schools.
For questions regarding the program, contact nylfoundation@newyorklife.com.
A Grief-Sensitive School is an accredited K-12 public or private institution that commits to help provide a supportive environment for students who have experienced the death of a loved one.

When it comes to grief support at school, many teachers feel under-prepared to help: a recent study revealed that only 7% of classroom teachers have received any amount of bereavement training and 92% of them said childhood grief was a serious problem that deserved more attention from schools. Participating in the Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative helps your school personnel to address this training gap and signals to students, parents, and community members alike that your school is strongly committed to supporting its grieving students and their families.

We recognize that schools have a critical role to play in delivering support to their grieving students. To be part of this initiative, we ask that you pledge to foster a more supportive environment for those who are grieving in your school community by:

Increasing awareness of the issue of grief at school

Sharing information with your school community about GrievingStudents.org

Reviewing relevant school policies and procedures

Providing specific professional learning opportunities

Additionally, the Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative offers presentations to school staff on key bereavement resources, led by New York Life ambassadors (a minimum of 5 school personnel must attend); schools that commit to become more grief-sensitive following the presentation are also eligible to receive a $500 grant to help enhance their ability to offer grief support and resources.

If you are interested in receiving an in-person Grief-Sensitive Schools presentation and grant from New York Life, please click the button below. If an ambassador is available in your area, New York Life will follow up with you to schedule a presentation.

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New York Life's Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative (GSSI) seeks to better equip teachers to care for grieving students by introducing GrievingStudents.org and other valuable grief resources to local schools. For questions regarding the program, contact nylfoundation@newyorklife.com. A Grief-Sensitive School is an accredited K-12 public or private institution that commits to help provide a supportive environment for students who have experienced the death of a loved one.

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A video highlighting how children and grown-ups grieve, and what providers can do to help.

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National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement

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Notification Templates | National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement

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The NCSCB is dedicated to helping schools support their students through crisis and loss.

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"A lot of my teachers, actually, did not do a lot, which was not helpful at all. It makes you feel kind of awkward, makes you feel very, very alone, very not understood." (Student)

School professionals make a world of difference when they reach out to grieving students. This module describes ways students benefit from grief support. It provides strategies for starting a conversation with a student. It identifies common and well-meaning statements that may not be helpful, then offers alternatives to help you feel confident your conversation will be constructive. It outlines ideas for sustaining helpful conversations over time and suggests ways to build effective support among peers when a classmate experiences the death of a close family member or friend. The video includes interviews with students, educators and administrators, as well as four simulated encounters with actors that model approaches educators can use in different situations.

View the video by chapters:

Why you should reach out to grieving students

Strategies for starting the conversation

Navigating reluctance and communicating with empathy

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Talking With Children - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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Practical strategies for initiating a conversation with a student who has recently experienced the death of a close family member or friend.

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Tools for grief. We provide resources, support and connection for children, teens, young adults and families that are grieving before and after a death.

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Resource Guide for Administrators

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Resource Guide for Administrators

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Talking to children about death and dying 

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Talking to children about death and dying 

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Grieftalk: Talking to children about death and dying - NACG

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Our site uses cookies. We use tracking cookies to provide a better experience for you. These cookies allow us to personalize content and collect browsing data that helps improve our web pages. Your data will be aggregated with all other user data. The information we collect from your visit is securely stored and never shared.

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Family & Community Members - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely

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www.griefconnectionspace.com

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Mary-Frances O'Connor, Ph.D. - The Grieving Brain: How We Learn from Love and Loss

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap. It provides training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules on a range of topics. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

Principals, assistant principals, superintendents, school board members, and central office staff have important leadership roles in this area. You can help ensure that classroom teachers and all school personnel are better prepared to meet the needs of grieving students and their families. You may wish to use the training modules for in-service training or recommend that school personnel view the materials for self-directed professional development. We invite you to incorporate this information into your current bereavement policies and procedures, staff training plans, and community education initiatives.

You will also find resources that address how to lead in the setting of a school crisis where deaths are involved. We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to consult with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement about support strategies and procedures that could be used following a death in your school.

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Principals & Administrators - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

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"Sometimes not knowing what to say, what would be appropriate to a child who is bereaving, will prevent me from helping them. From reaching out to them." (Teacher)
Talking about death and grief can be difficult. When reaching out to a child who has recently experienced a loss, even caring and compassionate adults may hesitate, fearful of making comments that are not helpful. This module offers education professionals concrete advice on "what not to say" to grieving students and their families. It offers more constructive alternatives. Use this information to feel more confident that your comments will be supportive and affirming.

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What Not to Say - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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This module offers school professionals concrete advice on "what not to say" to children and adults who are recently bereaved.

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Supporting a friend who is grieving

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Supporting a friend who is grieving

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•	Grief Support Professionals - Chicago Area

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•	Grief Support Professionals - Chicago Area

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that classroom teachers, including teachers, paraprofessionals, and other instructional staff, can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

The site covers a range of grief-related topics to provide training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so that you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time.

You may choose to view specific modules to answer questions you have about how to support a student in your class who has experienced a loss. We hope you will return to view additional modules and learn more about this important topic. These modules can also be used in learning groups or can be viewed as part of in-service training. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to speak with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement for additional suggestions about how to support grieving students.

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Classroom Teachers - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that classroom teachers, including teachers, paraprofessionals, and other instructional staff, can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings.

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If you came here looking for a script for talking to your child about death and grief, I'm sorry, we can't give you one. Your child is an individual and your situation is unique, so what you say and do will depend on a number of different factors. But here's some good news:

(1) As a caring and loving parent, you likely already have the qualities necessary to navigate this situation

(2) Qualities like reliability, consistency, warmth, and openness are far more beneficial to the child's well-being than having the perfect words and right answers.

(3) We can't tell you exactly what to say, but we can offer you tips on talking to kids about death and grief.

As a general rule of thumb, what you discuss with the child will depend on the following three things:

How old they are

The child's age will have a large influence on how you communicate with the child. As children learn, grow, and mature, their capacity to understand will change and evolve. For instance, when speaking with small children you will want to stick with straightforward and simple answers, while when speaking with teens you may explore more complex and abstract concepts. We will address this a little further here, but we recommend reviewing this article, Childhood Grief: The influence of age on understanding, if you haven't already.

How close they were to the person who died

We'll define closeness in two ways (1) when the child was very close to the deceased such as with a parent, grandparent, or sibling or (2) when the memory of the deceased is a constant presence, even though the child may not have had a close relationship with the person. Examples of this second scenario include any close family member, like a grandparent, sibling, or parent, who died before the child was able to build a relationship with them.

If the person who died was not a close family member, friend or community member, you may find that having one or two conversations is all that is necessary. If the person who died was a close family member or friend or community member, then you should conceptualize your first conversation as the beginning of an ongoing dialogue, rather than as a single conversation.

Although initial conversations about the death may not be detailed, expect that as the child processes the loss, and as their capacity to question and understand matures, they may (1) want to know more about their loved one (2) want to know more about the circumstances of the death and (3) want to talk about their loved one as a way of maintaining their ongoing bond.

How curious they are

If the child has questions, it's a sign that they are curious, that they don't understand, or that they are seeking reassurance. Remember, grief is an ongoing process and that your child may continue to process the death long after your conversation with them has ended. Allow the child to ask questions within the context of your conversation(s) and make sure they know it's okay to ask questions later on if they come up. Don't be surprised if children ask the same questions over and over, they may want to clarify their understanding or they may want reassurance that the story hasn't changed. If you think it may be helpful, you and the child can also discuss other adults they feel comfortable going to with questions (such as an aunt or uncle, adult sibling, faith leader, etc).

Some specific tips for talking to kids about death and grief:

Tip #1: Assess Understanding

Assess your child's understanding of the topic at hand; either what specifically happened to their loved one and/or their understanding of concepts like death. Many children have no prior experience with death and they may have no idea, or odd ideas, about what happens when a person dies.

For example, a few years ago I asked my 4-year-old daughter, Virginia, what happens when you die.

Hmmmm...any other guesses?

Okay, so four-year-old Virginia seems to know that death has something to do with the body, but beyond that, her conception seems a mix of imagination and information she's picked up here-and-there (from watching CSI? I don't know).

Let's ask 7-year-old Virginia?

Seven-year-old Virginia has a more complex understanding of death. She has a vague idea of what happens, she understands death's permanence, she knows that people feel tough emotions after someone dies, and she has real-life reference points.

It's good to assess the child's understanding of what you plan to discuss with them because this will help you decide how to approach the subject. Now we're not saying you should give your child the third-degree, rather that it can be helpful to begin your conversation by asking them about the thoughts and ideas already swirling around in their heads.

Such a conversation can take many forms. Some examples include:

If your family has recently experienced the death of someone very important, you may start with a specific question like - "Do you know why mommy is sad today?"

If you think the child already has some idea of what has happened (because children are far more tuned in than you think) you might ask something like,"What do you know about what's been going on?" or "What do you think happened?"

If you're discussing the loss of someone they didn't know, you might show them a photograph and say something like, "Do you know who this is?" or "This is your brother, he died before you were born. Do you know what it means when someone dies?"

Tip #2: Be honest and straightforward

Parents want to protect their children from pain and harm, this goes without saying. But sometimes this instinct can lead caring adults astray. Being honest with children about something as frightening and upsetting as death may feel callous and damaging, but it's actually really important to be straightforward and truthful.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you are curious, worried, or scared about something unknown, are you able to take your mind off of it? How do you feel when you can tell someone is withholding something from you, being evasive, or outright refusing to answer your questions? Do you stop wondering? I expect your answer to these questions is - "No!" You'd either worry, wonder, ruminate, or draw your own (potentially incorrect) conclusions. Don't assume that when your child is put in this same position they won't do the same.

As an adult caregiver, children look to you to clarify their understanding of what's happened. Confusion and lack of information will only leave the child guessing. Although the simple truth may be heartbreaking, the fantasy of the unknown can be far more frightening to a child.

What you say will depend on your situation, but generally speaking try to match the child's developmental level. Don't feel as though you have to tell them everything all at once and don't give them more information than they can handle; hopefully, they will feel comfortable asking you questions now and in the future. With small children, phrases like the following may be appropriate.

"He is dead and will not be alive again." "Her body stopped working" "He isn't suffering and he can no longer feel anything"
"She took too much to a drug," in the instance of overdose. (For information on talking to a child about a drug-related death, read this article)

"Suicide is when someone makes their body stop working," in the instance of suicide. (For information on talking to a child about a suicide death, read this article)

After explaining new concepts or providing them new information, assess their understanding of what you've said to them and invite questions.

Tip # 3: Don't use euphemism!

People commonly use euphemism to replace words or phrases that make them uncomfortable. Many adults aren't comfortable talking about death, even amongst other adults. This is likely why there are approximately 200 euphemism related to concepts around death and dying. But up until a certain age, kids are very concrete in their thinking. Thanks to their literal nature, euphemisms like the following only cause more confusion:

"She's in a better place" = She went somewhere great

"She's left us" = She left/abandoned us and she may or may not return

"She's sleeping" = She's asleep and she will wake up.

"She went to sleep forever" = There's a chance that I could go to sleep and never wake up

1She passed away" = Not sure what that means

"She is resting in peace" = She's sleeping somewhere peacefully

I know you might feel tempted to use euphemism when explaining death to children, but don't. If you want to see some examples of how kids interpret euphemism, check out this article in which we actually asked children what some of the different death related euphemisms mean.

Tip #4: Validate their emotions

Remember that a wide range of emotions is normal in grief, so don't be surprised if the child seems to show little emotion or if they show an emotion like anger, worry, or fear. Normalize and validate their emotions, whatever they may be.

Tip #5: It's okay to share your own emotions

Generally speaking, being open about your own grief will provide your child with reassurances that he or she is not alone and that it is acceptable to feel all types of emotions in response to loss. Be willing to acknowledge your painful feelings and be open to discussing the hard parts. By maintaining an authentic, warm, and supportive dialogue, you are setting the stage to be able to discuss grief as it changes and shifts in the days, weeks, and years to come.

That said, as hard as initial conversations may be with your child, try to stay calm and in control. If you're worried about keeping collected, you may want to set aside some time before or after the conversation to process your own emotions. You may also want to consider having another trusted adult with you, either for moral support or to help you guide the conversation.

Tip #6: Don't judge

You don't need us to tell you this, but kids say the darnedest things. Sometimes the things they say will surprise you because their comments are astute and observant, cut right to the quick, or the words they choose are kind of silly. If a child says something that surprises you in the context of a conversation about death, try not to make them feel embarrassed, wrong, or ashamed.

Some examples of things that may take adults by surprise when speaking to a child about death include:

If the child has specific curiosities about the physical aspects of death

If the child seems like they don't care

If the child's response seems selfish or self-centered

If the child says something matter-of-fact or direct

If the child has existential questions or observations about the meaning of life and death

If the child makes angry, blaming statements

Remember, there's a wide range of normal responses and children will grieve little-by-little over time. Do your best to respond to their questions and comments in a calm, validating, and non-judgmental way.

Tip #7: Reassure, reassure, reassure

The death of a loved one is scary. Intense emotions are scary. Change is scary. As your child attempts to cope with everything that has happened, and as they attempt to make meaning of the death, they will likely benefit from a lot of reassurance. Hopefully, your child will make their worries known, but you may feel it's appropriate to reassure them about some of the following:

The death was not their fault: Grief has a funny way of making people, child and adult alike, feel guilty for all sorts of things. Some reasons why a child might feel responsible for their loved one's death include:

Magical thinking. This is when a child believes that their negative thoughts and wishes somehow contributed to their loved one's death.

If the person died from suicide, the child might have thoughts that if the person had loved them more they wouldn't have chosen to die, or if they had been a better child the person might have been happier.

If the child was in some way involved in the event that led to the death, they may feel responsible for the circumstances that led to the death or feel that they failed to respond in a way that prevented the death.

Make sure the child knows that the death was not their fault and that the death was not something they could have prevented.

The death was not their loved one's choice: Reassure the child that the death was not a deliberate choice and the person did not want to leave or abandon the child. In certain circumstances, like suicide, it may be helpful to discuss mental illness or to explain that " their brain wasn't working properly" and that this is why they killed themselves, not because they didn't love their family or because they didn't care about them.

They are safe and their family is safe: Make sure the child knows that they are safe and that they will not die. Make sure they also know that their family is safe and that their family members will not die anytime soon. I know we can't be sure of this, but reassure the child anyways (unless you have a compelling reason to believe this isn't true).

Sicknesses like the flu or a cold do not lead to death: If your loved one died of an illness like cancer, make sure the child knows that the type of illness their loved one had is different than the types of sicknesses they experience like the flu or the common cold.

They will be taken care of: Make sure the child knows that they will always be taken care of, no matter what happens. It may be helpful to brainstorm all the caring adults in their life who they can count on.

You will be honest with them and keep them informed: Death leads to change, it's often unavoidable. Reassure your child that you will get through things as a family, that you will make decisions as a family whenever possible, and that you will talk to them about changes before they happen.

Tip #8: Prepare them for customary rituals like funerals and memorial services

Talk to your child about funeral/memorial services before they attend them. There are three important things to cover in this conversation:

1. Include them in the planning to the extent possible. Ask them if there are things they would like to incorporate into the event or if there are special ways that they would like to honor their loved one.

2. Talk to them about what to expect before, during, and after the services, burial, etc. This may include discussions about things like the person's body, burial, cremation, what types of emotions they may witness, what types of emotions they expect to feel, etc.

3. Discuss their concerns and worries. Are there any parts of these rituals that worry them? Brainstorm ways for them to cope in the moment. For example, a small child might like to bring a favorite stuffed animal to hold or might want to choose a trusted adult to be their buddy for the day. Older kids might want help identifying a room or place where they can go to take a break if necessary.

Tip # 9: If you think it's necessary, help them to decide what they will say and/or share if people ask them about their loved one's death.

Help them to find their own language and way of responding to the sympathies and/or questions of others. Reassure them that it's okay to keep things private if they like

Tip # 10: Help them identify other support people who they feel comfortable talking with
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Talking to Kids About Death and Grief: 10 Comprehensive Tips - Whats your Grief

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If you came here looking for a script for talking to your child about death and grief, I'm sorry, we can't give you one. Your child is an individual and your situation is unique, so what you say and do will depend on a number of different factors. [...]

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With the right kind of support, children are fully capable of successfully navigating the challenges of bereavement and growing into healthy adults. As a matter of fact, research has found that healthy children are the product of a positive relationship with their parent or caregiver, especially where there is care and warmth, modeling of healthy coping behaviors, honest and open communication, and clearly established expectations for behavior in the home.

How do I tell my child that someone has died?

Telling a child that their father or mother, sister or brother has died ranks among the most difficult tasks a parent will encounter. There is no "one size fits all" in terms of what to say, but there are a few general principles that may help. The explanation you offer your children will vary depending on the circumstances of the family member's death; was there an acute or long term illness, or did the death occur suddenly and without warning?

In either case, it is important to talk to your children as soon as possible after the death. Start simply and honestly, and preferably in person, by saying something like, "I have some sad news to share with you. Today your Dad was in a car accident. The ambulance took him to the hospital but he was hurt too badly and he died." First and foremost, be honest and avoid any temptation to alter the truth. If there are questions you can't answer, say, "I don't know, but I can try to find out."

You may want to wait and see what questions your children have before giving more information than they can handle at one time. It's also helpful to reassure them that, "this is hard, but we will get through it together."

Contributed by: Staff at the Dougy Center

What do I tell my child if their person died from suicide?

When talking with your child, it is important to take into consideration your child's age. Younger children often process information in bite size pieces. Older children and teens often have complex questions and might want a lot of information.

When deciding how much to tell your child, follow their lead based on the questions that you're being asked. Answering children's questions honestly is important. So is explaining suicide in terms that they can understand. For example, "Your mom died of suicide." Suicide means that a person caused their own death. As a parent, you might be hesitant to say these words, but children often overhear the word suicide and might be confused by what it means.

By having this open conversation, you are allowing your child the opportunity to ask questions and have concerns addressed. Children will often ask "why." It is okay to say, "I don't know" if you don't know why.

If you have been struggling with how to have these conversations, or have not been fully honest up to this point, try not to be too hard on yourself. After all, you are also grappling with your own grief and sorrow. Going forward, the key is to create an environment where difficult, yet necessary conversations can take place.

Contributed by: Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT

What do I tell my child if their person died from homicide?

As in most "grief talks" or "how do I break bad news" questions, timing is everything. In the case of a loss due to homicide, this is even more central to supporting your young person and family.

The very nature of a homicide involves urgency and quick responses by support and law enforcement personnel that may involve participating in an open investigation, or an "in the moment" or "on the scene" media presence that the family or child/teen may be involved in before any real talk or support can be given.

Supporters should be alert and very sensitive to whether or not the child/teen was a witness to any events preceding the death, or the actual event itself before attempting to talk with the child/teen. This awareness can help you garner responses and resources for addressing possible trauma or other related issues present.

Support offered should factor in any need a child or teen may have about what they have seen or heard about their person on TV or other social media.

Information shared should seek to clarify and to answer questions about what has happened in an age appropriate and truthful manner.

Again, an awareness of the immediate impact of the homicide on the child's/teen's daily functioning can be more helpful than thinking that questions or support involve a need to know "what happened".

By addressing these needs first in our support efforts we may experience a natural and healing unfolding of what else needs to happen to provide support for the family/young person.

Contributed by: Alesia Alexander Layne, MSW, LCSW, CT, Project KARMA

Should my child attend the funeral and or participate in the funeral?

While it is natural to want to "protect" children from the painful reality of death, end of life rituals are vital to a child's understanding of death and a key component of grief and mourning. Funerals are communal events, which we have been performing since the beginning of time, across continents and cultures. Allowing children the option to attend and participate in these significant end of life rituals is important.

Start by telling them what it will look like. Walk them through what they will see, who might come, what people might say, and how people might feel. Children are wonderfully inquisitive and they will be curious at the funeral.

Answer questions honestly and confess when you don't know the answer. Many parents find it helpful to have a point person during the funeral. Identify someone you and your child trust to be available if your child wants to take a break or stop participating in the ritual.

So, give kids the facts they need, normalize the experience, and let them know their choices. If they decide they do not want to participate that's okay, too. Just be sure they are making the decision with unbiased facts.

Contributed by: Joseph Primo, MDiv, Chief Executive Officer, Good Grief

What reactions might I expect to see with my grieving child?

Your child will grieve in his or her own unique way. How they grieve will depend on many different factors including their age, their stage of cognitive development; cultural influences; their relationship with the deceased and most importantly, how you are grieving.

Young children up to age 6 are subject to the kind of illogical or magical thinking typical of that developmental stage. They are also egocentric and may think that somehow they caused the death of their loved one. In addition, young children don't understand that death is irreversible and may be waiting for their loved one to return. Young children need reassurance, comfort and patience on your part as you respond their questions. School Aged children understand that death is permanent but still struggle to make sense of what happened. Respond to their questions in truthful, direct language and know that they are old enough to hear the answer if they've asked the question. Children of this age may lack the ability to verbalize their feelings and may behave in ways that cause additional problems. Children may have trouble tolerating strong emotions that are triggered by reminders of the deceased and will need to learn ways to cope with those feelings and thoughts. Parents and caregivers can provide reassurance and bereavement support programs can provide opportunities for children to connect with others who are also coping with a death in the family. Adolescents are also egocentric and struggle with guilt and regret when a loved one dies. They may attempt to cope with their grief in ways that can be impulsive or even unhealthy. In addition to keeping the lines of communication open with their teens, parents and caregivers can promote supportive relationships. Participation in grief support programs with similarly bereaved teens is also beneficial. Families can encourage teens to continue to pursue the goals they'd had before the death, including leaving home for college or work after high school graduation.

Contributed by: Lauren Schneider, LCSW, Clinical Director of Child and Adolescent Programs, OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center

How can I help my child transition back to school? When should they go back to school?

Going back to school after a death in the family can be an emotional experience for children, as well as parents and caregivers. Although there isn't a "right" time to go back to school, it is important to promote a return to routine activities and structure.

Caregivers should consider the child's level of comfort in being separated from supportive adults, and may want to have children attend half days or come to school for lunch breaks to help ease the transition.

It is important to let school personnel know about the death and share what has been helpful to the child.

The impact of a family death on a child's academic functioning can be unpredictable. Grief reactions can intensify at any time-including during a math test. In some situations, grief can influence a child's ability to make decisions, and impair memory and concentration, resulting in a decline in school performance. There can also be symptoms similar to ADHD, including disorganization, distractibility, hyperactivity and impulsivity.

Grieving students are likely to benefit from additional social, emotional and learning supports. Parents and caregivers may want to request that school personnel consider making additional accommodations for their children, such as opportunities for breaks or time with a counselor during the day, reduced workload or assignment extensions, assistance with organization and time management, or tutoring when needed. Families can advocate for their children by sharing the resources they have found helpful with school personnel.

Contributed by: Staff at Judi's House and JAG Institute for Grieving Children and Families

What are some of the challenges my child may face at school?

There are many common challenges kids who are grieving express having at school. Many children might be nervous to return to school because they are worried that others might ask them about their person's death.

Some report being distracted and even frustrated because they cannot concentrate on their work. Other children have reported that they are worried they might have a grief trigger and get upset or cry in front of their friends. Some children have also reported being bullied, or picked on by other children; and some simply share that people say things that they intend to be helpful or comforting, but that are actually hurtful.

Even with all of these potential challenges, though, school remains a safe, structured environment for children and can be helpful as they adapt to life without their person who died. It is helpful to be with friends, get out of the house, and take part in coordinated, fun activities.

Although returning to school can be challenging, parents/caregivers can be encouraging, schedule time to "check-in" about how school is going, and listen when their children need to express their frustrations.

Contributed by: Andy McNiel, M.A.

How do I parent a grieving child?

The experience of grief can be difficult for any child to comprehend and sharing their feelings can be a challenge. After a death, children are often left feeling frightened, angry, sad or confused. They may lack the ability to express themselves, or reach out for help, in a clear or mature way.

Often when a child misbehaves they are trying to communicate a need for help, or a strong feeling, and just lack the vocabulary and skills needed. Adults may see negative or "acting out" behavior as intentional, but sometimes it is just a reflection of the child's limitations and desire for support.

While no loss experience should excuse antisocial or dangerous behavior, we must not miss the messages in our child's actions.

Set clear limits for the negative behavior and focus on safety being absolute, while also offering healthier ways for the child to express himself or herself.

Be confident, but not overly critical, when commenting on misbehavior.

When a child doesn't want to "talk," parents and caregivers can still model healthy self-expression by sharing their own feelings.

When we help children find better ways to share their feelings and needs, negative behaviors are less likely to occur.

Contributed by: Peter Willig, LMFT, FT

Can my child be okay?

After the death of a loved one, parents and caregivers are often concerned about their children's ability to cope. Although the field of childhood grief is still learning about how children function after a death, current research indicates that bereaved youth usually go on to lead healthy and productive lives.

It is also natural to see changes in children's behaviors after a death, including signs of sadness, anger, and fear.

That being said, it is helpful to be aware of signs that can tell us when a child may be in need of more formalized, professional support. Some behaviors that might indicate the need for further support include:
(1) inability to keep up with daily tasks, such as regularly attending school, completing homework, personal hygiene;
(2) significant, ongoing signs of extreme sadness, sobbing, or social withdrawal;
(3) risky, harmful behaviors (drug use, reckless driving, stealing);
(4) inability to acknowledge the death, or appearing numb or totally disconnected from the reality of the death; or
(5) persistent fantasies about ending his/her life in order to be reunited with the deceased person in an afterlife.
Julie Kaplow, Ph.D., Director, Trauma and Grief Center for Youth, Texas Children's Hospital

Grieving is a natural human experience and serves a crucial purpose in our lives after we lose someone important to us. While the parent-child relationship and open communication are the most important tools to insure healthy adjustment after a family death, many parents have concerns about their children or feel the need for more support for their children or themselves.

Fortunately, there are resources for children and families that can promote a child's health after loss. Many communities have support programs for individuals who are grieving. Professionals and trained volunteers provide activities and opportunities for children to be with peers who are also coping with a death.

Many programs also provide parent education or group sessions that offer information, support and suggestions for parenting their bereaved children.

There are also child and family mental health centers based in health care facilities or universities where experts provide screening and counseling services for children who may be having a more difficult time after the loss. Families can identify resources by asking trusted health care providers for suggestions in their own communities.

Public libraries not only contain helpful books for children and parents but may also have listings of regional resources.

The National Alliance for Grieving Children is the most comprehensive source for information and services focusing on childhood bereavement. The NAGC website and its Childhood Bereavement Awareness Initiative website contain many resources for families including a listing of grief programs and centers across the United States.

Parents and children face new and unfamiliar challenges as they grieve a death in the family; it is a time to gather as many resources as possible.

Contributed by: Donna A. Gaffney, DNSc, PMHCNS-BC, FAAN

Find Support

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With the right kind of support, children are fully capable of successfully navigating the challenges of bereavement and growing into healthy adults. As a matter of fact, research has found that healthy children are the product of a positive relationship with their parent or caregiver, especially where there is care and warmth, modeling of healthy coping behaviors, honest and open communication, and clearly established expectations for behavior in the home.

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NACG's list of bereavement support programs (National list by state)

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NACG's list of bereavement support programs (National list by state)

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Please use the links below to Find Support in your area.

The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens and their families. The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider. In seeking grief support services and/or counseling, NAGC recommends that each consumer inquire directly with the providers listed as to their trainings and certifications, with the better business bureau or with any applicable governing licensing boards.

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Please use the links below to Find Support in your area. The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens and their families. The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider.

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response is what they need for their children. We have number of articles on WYG offering this type of support. We have posts on the impact of age on understanding , on grief journals and workbooks for kid s, on the risks of using euphemisms , on art activities for grieving kids , on art activities for grieving kids and adults , on talking to kids about suicide , an activity book for kids after a suicide , on holiday activities for kid s, and more holiday activities for kids. We also have an article reminding you why it is important to take care of yourself in order to better care for the children in your life. But one thing that we don't have is a list of kids books about death and grief, despite the fact that we get asked about this fairly often.

We have talked about journal, activity and workbooks for kids , but sometimes a story is the best way to open a dialogue. Often reading a story can help kids know they are not alone and normalize what they are experiencing. It can offer a safe way to open a dialogue with children about death and grief, in groups, as a family, or one-on-one. So today, here it is! We have a list of 64 children's books about grief. As with all of our '64 things' lists, we know this is not an exhaustive list. Please add your favorites in the comments. The books are primarily for the 10 and under crowd but, rest assured, a list of 64 Young Adult novels about grief is on the horizon.

1. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children (kids 5+)

2. The Invisible String (kids 3+)

3. Everett Anderson's Goodbye (Reading Rainbow) (kids 5-8)

4. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (kids 6-9)

5. I'll Always Love You (kids 3-7)

6. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) (kids 4-8)

7. I Miss You: A First Look at Death (First Look at Books) (kids 4+)

8. The Saddest Time (kids 6-9)

9. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss (kids 8+)

10. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages (kids 4+)

11. Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying (kids 4+)

12. Where Are You? A Child's Book About Loss (kids 4-8)

13. Samantha Jane's Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With the Loss of a Parent (kids 5+)

14. The Scar (kids5-9)

15. A Terrible Thing Happened (kids 4+)

16. The Elephant in the Room: A Childrens Book for Grief and Loss (kids 4+)

17. The Boy Who Didn't Want to Be Sad (kids 4+)

18. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

19. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (kids 4+)

20. When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 5+)

21. Someone I Love Died (kids 4-8)

22. What Happened When Grandma Died? (kids 4+)

23. Always and Forever (kids 4+)

24. Badger's Parting Gifts (kids 4-8)

25. Ghost Wings (kids 5+)

26. Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young Child Discovers Memories of a Grandparent (kids 7+)

27. The Grandpa Tree (kids 3+)

28. Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 6+)

29. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs (Picture Puffins) (kids 4-8)

30. Daddy, Up and Down: Sisters Grieve the Loss of Their Daddy (kids 4-8)

31. Saying Goodbye to Daddy (kids 4+)

32. The Angel with the Golden Glow: A Family's Journey Through Loss and Healing (kids 4+)

33. Where's Jess: For Children Who Have a Brother or Sister Die (kids 3-6)

34. A Taste of Blackberries (kids 8-12)

35. Bridge to Terabithia (kids 8-12)

36. My Grandson Lew (kids 4-6)

37. Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope: A Read Aloud Story for People of All Ages About Loving and Losing, Friendship and Hope (as the title says, people of all ages!)

38. The Empty Place: A Child's Guide Through Grief (Let's Talk) (kids 5-10)

39. Dancing on the Moon (kids 3+)

40. Lost and Found: Remembering a Sister (kids 6+)

41. Stacy Had a Little Sister (A Concept Book) (kids 4+)

42. Ragtail Remembers: A Story That Helps Children Understand Feelings of Grief (kids 4+)

43. Goodbye Mousie (kids 4-8)

44. Remembering Crystal (kids 3+)

45. Rudi's Pond (kids 5-8)

46. The Memory String (kids 4-8)

47. Sammy in the Sky (kids 4-8)

48. Where Do People Go When They Die? (kids 3-8)

49. Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories (kids 3-8)

50. Her Mother's Face (kids 4-8)

51. Remembering Mama (kids 4+)

52. Old Pig (Picture Puffin) (kids 3-8)

53. Pearl's Marigolds for Grandpa (kids 3-7)

54. Saying Goodbye to Lulu (kids 3-6)

55. The Mountains of Tibet (kids 7+)

56. Rabbityness (kids 3-7)

57. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

58. Can You Hear Me Smiling?: A Child Grieves a Sister (kids 8+)

59. The Copper Tree (kids 5-8)

60. Everybody Feels Sad (kids 4+)

61. Grief is Like a Snowflake (kids 4+)

62. My Baby Big Sister: A Book for Children Born Subsequent to a Pregnancy Loss (kids 4-8)

63. Ladder to the Moon (kids 4-8)

64. Missing Mommy: A Book About Bereavement (kids 3-8).
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64 Children's Books About Death and Grief - Whats your Grief

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response [...]

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional preparation for the majority of school professionals or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap. It provides training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules on a range of topics. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so that you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

School counselors, school nurses, school psychologists, school social workers, and other student support personnel often are in the position to provide ongoing bereavement support to grieving students, assist families in identifying appropriate community resources, and help classroom educators and other school professionals become better prepared to provide support to their students. We invite you to incorporate the training modules in your own presentations to classroom educators and other school professionals, recommend that school personnel view the materials for self-directed professional development, or draw ideas from the modules to help you directly provide support to grieving students.

You will also find resources that address how to support students in the event of a school crisis where deaths are involved. We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to consult with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement about how to address the needs of grieving children in your school.

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Student Support Personnel - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional preparation for the majority of school professionals or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

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When children and teens at The Dougy Center are asked, "What's something you wish people would stop saying?", they break out in a chorus of "I'm sorry!" What do you say when you find out someone died? What words do you write in a sympathy card or email? It's a universal struggle to know what to say in an inherently emotional and potentially uncomfortable situation. Grieving people, especially children and teens, are extremely tuned into other people's discomfort. Friends, teachers, and colleagues often don't know what to say or how to react when it comes out in conversation that someone's parent, sibling, friend, or other family member died. This can lead many people, including children and teens, to avoid any topic that connects to their loss. Everyday questions such as: How come your grandparents always pick you up after school? How old is your mother? How many siblings do you have? can leave grievers feeling confused about what to say and worried that answering honestly will make other people uncomfortable. Grieving people brace for the automatic, "I'm sorry," that often follows when they disclose that someone in their life died.
When asked why they don't like that response, children and teens had this to say:

"How am I supposed to respond? It's okay? I mean, really, it's not okay."

"Um, it's not their fault, why are they apologizing?"

"It's just so awkward. It's like a total conversation stopper."

"So many people say it, even people I've never talked to before, it feels kind of fake."

"I know they mean well, but it just gets old."

Does this mean definitively that you should never say, "I'm sorry" to someone who is grieving? No, it's just helpful to consider the relationship you have with the person and the context of the conversation when choosing what to say. Ask yourself the question, "Is what I'm about to say going to connect or disconnect the conversation?" Sometimes "I'm sorry," can act as an interruption. This may happen when a person shares about a death as part of a bigger story they are telling. When "I'm sorry," is interjected, it can stop the flow of conversation, and leave the teller with the awkward task of saying something like "It's okay, it was a long time ago." On the other hand, if a friend calls to tell you that someone died, that's a time when an authentic, heartfelt, "I'm sorry" can serve as a connection. Even in that situation though, keep in mind that the person on the other end of the line has likely heard those words many times over, so it can be good to try and think of something different to say. A few possibilities include: "I'm so sad to hear this," "I'm so sorry you have to go through this," and "How heartbreaking." Another option is just to repeat back what the person tells you, "Your dad died last night." This gives them the opportunity to say more and direct the conversation.

When it comes to children and teens, one of the only alternatives they've offered is, "That totally sucks." Of course, if that's language you're not comfortable with, you might come up with something else that acknowledges the reality of the loss without verging into what the teens call, "sympathy overload." Many teens appreciate when people can remain matter of fact when talking about the death. They can grow very uncomfortable if they sense people feel sorry for them.

In the end, there's no perfect thing to say or not say. Just keep in mind that grieving people are navigating conversations, big and small, throughout the day that have the potential to highlight their loss. Conveying a sense of calm and ease when someone does tell you about a death goes a long way to dismantle the awkwardness and discomfort they are used to encountering. From that foundation, you can choose which words to say, based on your connection with that person and the context of the conversation. Try writing down a few alternative phrases that work for you. This will make it easier to access them the next time you want to communicate that you care to someone who is grieving.

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Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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When children and teens at The Dougy Center are asked, "What's something you wish people would stop saying?", they break out in a chorus of "I'm sorry!" What do you say when you find out someone died? What words do you write in a sympathy card or email?

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The Rabbit Listened | Virtual Read Aloud | Listening | Shon's Stories

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Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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At Dougy Center, you’ll find grief support, resources, and connection before and after a death. We provide the right place when nothing feels right.

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"How do I tell my child about the death?" This is the most common question we receive at The Dougy Center. Someone has died, leaving parents and other adult caregivers to struggle with finding the right words to say to their children. In this episode, we outline tips for talking with children about a death. Adults can start by attending to their own reactions to the death. Often the thoughts and feelings they experience can impede or enhance having an open, honest, supportive conversation with their children. As an adult, what do you need to sort out with feeling shame, blame, confusion, guilt, or other emotions related to how the person died? How can you keep that as your story and not put it onto your children?

Summary of tips for talking with children:

Tell the truth

Use concrete, age-appropriate language

Allow for questions - in the moment and over time

Be prepared to tell the story over and over, esp to younger kids

Refer to The Dougy Center resources (below)

Know that you are providing children with a safe, trusting foundation from which to experience their grief

Bookstore: http://tdcbookstore.org

Tip sheets: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/tip-sheets/

Main site: http://dougy.org

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Tips For Talking With Children About Death

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"How do I tell my child about the death?" This is the most common question we receive at The Dougy Center. Someone has died, leaving parents and other adult caregivers to struggle with finding the right words to say to their children. In this episode, we outline tips for talking with children about a death.

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Andrew Garfield and Elmo Explain Grief | Sesame Workshop

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Grief | Sesame Street in Communities | PBS LearningMedia

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Encourage children to draw out their feelings with this art project. When kids can write about and draw their feelings, starting conversations may get a little easier. Build a memory chain to remember happy times. Remembering happy times together helps comfort kids during the difficult ones. This video can help start difficult conversations.

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Jesse Expresses Grief Through Play | Grief