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Diane is seething. Tina let her down-again. It's after 10 p.m. and Tina is still not home, despite the fact she agreed to take care of dinner for the family. Diane not only had to cook dinner but also put the children to bed by herself again. She feels like she and the children come in a distant second to work in Tina's life and she's sick of it. Diane finds herself wondering if Tina cares about her at all. If she cared, why does she keep disappointing her over and over again? She wonders if she and the children are even a factor in Tina's decisions. She feels alone, hurt, and angry.

Tina comes home and notices Diane is not happy. Tina asks what is wrong, but Diane says nothing and goes to bed without letting her feelings be known.

This scene, or one similar to it, plays out time and again for couples. Avoiding conflict can seem like a positive thing, and many people even believe that happy couples don't fight at all.

This could not be further from the truth. Actually, the opposite is true-conflict avoidance can be downright toxic to relationships. Keeping painful feelings such as anger, loneliness, and despair to yourself in your relationship doesn't make them disappear. On the contrary, trying to hold them in, rather than discussing them with your partner, can quickly lead to deep resentment that will create a tremendous gulf between you. So, while the goal of avoiding conflict might be to keep the peace, it often ends up creating more problems.

Certainly, there is still a lot to be said for the old adage, "Pick your battles." Airing every single minute annoyance with your partner will create its own toxic dynamic in your relationship. So what should you bring to your partner and what should you keep to yourself?

Looking back at the example of Diane and Tina, this seems like something that needs to be discussed. Tina's failure to keep her promises to her family is something that happens regularly. It wasn't a fluke caused by an extra busy day at work. Tina's behavior also seems to be causing Diane so much distress that she is questioning whether Tina even cares about her or their children. The frequency and the depth of the feelings involved are two pretty good indicators that a conversation is necessary.

The good news is that engaging in conflict in a healthy way can strengthen connections. For example, if Diane takes her issue to Tina, she might feel scared and Tina might get angry. It might turn into a fight. Tina might even take it as an opportunity to lodge some complaints against Diane. An all-out fight might ensue.

But if Diane and Tina are able stick with the discussion and use empathy to try to really understand each other's experience, they will likely develop a deeper understanding of one another. Diane might come to appreciate the amount of stress that Tina feels over being the family's primary breadwinner, and Tina might come to understand that Diane feels unappreciated and alone in the parenting and domestic tasks she is responsible for. As a result of this discussion, Tina might try to get home a little earlier and communicate how much she appreciates Diane's work around the house, and Diane might be more vocal about her appreciation of the financial contribution Tina makes to the family.

With a little time, patience, and empathy, Diane and Tina might find that they resolved the issue and deepened the intimacy in their relationship in the process.

Some couples who have been avoiding conflict in their relationships for a long time might find that too much resentment has built up over time. They might not be able to make this shift on their own. They might find it beneficial to work with a couples therapist who can help them sort through the pain that underlies the resentment and learn new ways of communicating with one another.

The bottom line is that when two people come together to share their lives with each other, conflict is inevitable, but accepting it and learning to engage with each other in healthy ways will likely enrich the relationship.

© Copyright 2014 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, therapist in Brooklyn, New York

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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Conflict in Relationships: Good, Bad, or Just Plain Necessary?

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Diane is seething. Tina let her down-again. It's after 10 p.m. and Tina is still not home, despite the fact she agreed to take care of dinner for the family. Diane not only had to cook dinner but also put the children to bed by herself again.

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an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles:

There was a lot of conflict between him and his father.

It was an unpopular policy and caused a number of conflicts within the party.

His outspoken views would frequently bring him into conflict with the president.

​

B2 fighting between two or more groups of people or countries:

We wish to avoid conflict between our countries if at all possible.

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Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

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How to have productive conflict in relationships. Tips and priciples for healthy conflict.

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This past weekend, my partner and I flew across the country to go house hunting. This is a recipe for disaster, as evidenced by entire cable networks built around this conflict-ridden activity. We spent a lot of the weekend in agreement, and then in disagreement, feeling overwhelmed and then on the edge of our seat waiting to hear back from the sellers on our offer. And, of course, there was conflict. As a communication professor, I know that conflict can be healthy for relationships, but this doesn't make conflict any more pleasant when it is happening to me.

A couple days after we arrived home, my husband and I were apologizing to each other about our bad behavior - apologizing and owning your mistakes is one key to making conflict healthy instead of unhealthy - and he said something I thought was quite wise, that it is unfortunate that the person we care for and love the most is often the primary recipient of our negative emotions. He is right: Because I spend most of my time with him and feel most comfortable with him, he has to hear about it when I'm feeling stressed at work and deal with my moods, even though he is the last person I want to burden with my negativity. Many people cringe at the mere thought of conflict, likening it to a tornado, volcanic eruption, or other terrifying natural disaster. Understanding why and how conflict can be useful is the first step to changing our perceptions of conflict.

A large amount of research in the communication field has focused on conflict, since it is such an important and unavoidable part of being in a close relationship. Fortunately, that research has determined that conflict can be quite healthy for relationships. Below I describe three things you need to know about conflict in relationships to harness the good that can come from disagreement.
1. Perhaps the Number One reason why conflict is healthy for relationships is that conflict signals a need for change, for both parties.
Conflictprovides an opportunity for making change - if both partners are up for it. Conflict gives you a chance to work on the problems in your relationship.

2. Conflict shows you and your partner that your lives are interdependent.

If they weren't, then you would not experience conflict, as conflict only comes about when two people whose lives are interdependent hold goals that conflict with one another. For example, my husband and I share a car. This makes us extremely interdependent when it comes to transportation, since we have to coordinate who is using the car when. Often on the weekends, he wants to head out to snowboard, while I want to stay in town and go to a yoga class. Conflict ensues: Whose goal or activity is more important? Can either of us get a ride from someone else? This is a simple conflict that isn't going to tear our relationship apart, but you get the idea. We are interdependent, yet our goals and what we choose to do with our time sometimes conflicts.

3. Conflict is almost never about what it seems to be about on the surface.

Your partner not taking the trash out tonight isn't really why you are mad; it is probably something deeper. Perhaps you're really upset because his or her actions indicate that they don't respect your time and the effort you make to keep the house clean. Searching for the deeper reasons for conflict is an important step in improving a relationship, but is not easily done in the heat in the moment. If you have to, take a beat, and let yourself cool down. We operate much more rationally when we are calm and collected. When we are fired up and angry, we tend to say and do things we regret. According to Walter Mischel and his colleagues (2006), we often run on hot emotions when we are in conflict: We are irrational, reactive, and quick to respond. Later, when we cool down, we can be rational, calm, and level headed again. Conflict is a great example of how our thoughts, and then our communication, are influenced by our emotions. When you search for the deeper reasons for conflict, you can address core issues in your relationship, rather than focusing on surface issues. Addressing those core issues can be a healthy outcome of conflict.

Conscious communication asks you to step back, reanalyze the situation as an outsider, and come back to the table to hash out what is really going on between you and your partner.

You must reach deeper into the motivations and concerns of each person. If your partner is unwilling to reach deeper with you, at least reach deep within yourself.

Try this: Break out of mindless cycles of blaming. Forget what you think you know about a person, and get to know them again - even your partner. Ask them questions about why they are upset and what they think you could do to address their concerns. Be open to their suggestions and set aside your pride. Resist the temptation to throw blame back at them, and make the decision to work on yourself instead.
Check out this Tedx talk from my colleague at Utah State University, Clair Canfield. He unlocks the possibilities of conflict and empowers us to create the change we want in the world around us, in our relationships, places of work, communities, and most of all within ourselves. Other helpful Psychology Today articles on conflict in close relationships:

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Why Conflict Is Healthy for Relationships

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This past weekend, my partner and I flew across the country to go house hunting. This is a recipe for disaster, as evidenced by entire cable networks built around this conflict-ridden activity. We spent a lot of the weekend in agreement, and then in disagreement, feeling overwhelmed and then on the edge of our seat waiting to hear back from the sellers on our offer.

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Young Adult Health - Health Topics - Conflict and negotiation