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I can't spell commiserating... (Dr. Little)

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I can't spell commiserating... (Dr. Little)

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sigh....

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- cheating mom
- had to financially support my family
- nasty divorce between my parents
- homeless for a few months
- moved 4 times in 3 months
- COVID is controlling my life
- never got a normal freshman experience due to COVID
-  super hard classes
- trying to find a job
-moving out of my parents house
- another separation after one of my parents remarried
- family doesn't know I am in love with another woman
If you made it this far... you get the gist. 2020 sucks, but there's still a little bit left. So lets see what else it has in store for me.

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Pandemic+ general 2020 + new and worsening chronic health stuff = I'm 99% ready to  welcome the apocalypse. It'd be a nice change of pace I think.

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- got hit by a freshman on move in day and my car got totaled
- insurance is a scam and I don't have enough for a new car
- the car im borrowing has a busted alternator meaning *it doesn't work*
- broke asf

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It has just been all panic and no disco.

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This has been a year deserving an entire history book to it, and it is not even October yet.

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My college journey is non-traditional. I did  not go right out of HS. Worked full time, had a bad break up from a long term relationship (blessing in disguise), enlisted, got out and started college at 30. I have been looking forward to 'the college experience' for a really loooong time. Now thanks to COVID my last year has been lack luster to say the least. Don't even know if I will get to walk in a traditional sense. 

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My college journey is non-traditional. I did  not go right out of HS. Worked full time, had a bad break up from a long term relationship (blessing in disguise), enlisted, got out and started college at 30. I have been looking forward to 'the college experience' for a really loooong time. Now thanks to COVID my last year has been lack luster to say the least. Don't even know if I will get to walk in a traditional sense. 

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I sleep constantly even though I do not want to. I'd rather be trying to study and learn but my mental health has other plans. I'm honestly used to online classes as I've done them before- but I'm confined to my room so I do not have another place to effectively do them. I have no job as well (thanks covid) and finding a job right now is impossible. I want an internship to gain experience but that is even worse than before because of covid. I know I'm not alone though- so that certainly brings comfort.

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i just want to say that I hate university housing with a passion after this past week. I was an RA on campus and lost my job and my housing in one email. I was told if I wanted to remain on campus I had to pay the full housing amount. So, I did what any sane person would do and found a cheaper apartment with. my two best friends. The day i move into my new apartment I'm told that university housing changed their mind and I can move back in under special circumstance for free
if anyone wants to sublease from me i have a nice place and im stressed trying to find someone before next months rent is due
hahahahah

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This year wasn't too bad for me but 2020 gets everyone and I went home for dinner one night and my sister was threatening to harm herself and I had to help get her to a mental hospital and also play family mediator between my entire family. Other than that I had my dream internship this summer, 2019 was amazing, and classes aren't too bad so I still feel pretty lucky. Also, a specific department that I think we all dislike as NCSU students (the worst department that literally is incompetent and somehow isn't better at an engineering school) has been irritating me so much with their stupid testing set up. I don't have a quiet, comfortable place to with good WiFi to do these stupid exams at 7:10pm in the evening

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I never thought I would have to deal with my dad passing away before rebuilding our relationship.
I never thought I would find out my dad was murdered.
I never thought I would have to beg a rural, incompetent police station to investigate a murder.
I never thought I would have to BEG family members to give me my late father's possessions, which legally should be mine in the first place.
I'm in so much pain, and I've gotten to the point where I just push away my emotions and don't fully feel and cope with them- just to get through the day. Finding the energy to work on classes is so hard. Finding the energy to get out of bed is hard.
Everything sucks.
I'm pushing and fighting but good grief everything sucks.

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This year is garbage, I think thats the general consensus. This time of year for me is just always the worst because of seasonal depression but this year with the added stress of everything it's a million times worse. I feel like I'm still processing everything that happened in March and I just can't catch up. Things keep piling up and every time that I feel I've gotten on top of it, another week starts and I'm right back where I started. Overall, I'm just ready for the holidays.

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Working hard and getting nothing from it

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Working hard and getting nothing from it

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I work very hard and try my best at everything I set my mind to. Despite this I have been turned down for every job I have applied and any research opportunities I have been passed over due to my lack of experience, which is due to all my labs being cancelled because of COVID. This is in addition to all the 🤬 that has gone on in my life personally. I was finally getting to distance myself from all of that when State did absolutely nothing to prevent an outbreak and we were kicked off campus after only 3 weeks. I cant wait for December so I can at least enjoy delicious food all the time during all this 🤬.

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I started out this semester strong and more confident than I've probably felt my entire life. I was doing well as a TA and I even signed up to volunteer tutor Wake Tech students. As soon as I got home all of my confidence and motivation went away. I feel like a terrible TA and that my teaching project is going to be horrible compared to the other undergrads. I can't even think of a topic or idea. I'm supposed to start tutoring this week but I'm terrified and feel like I'm going to be awful at it. I don't feel like doing any of my assignments or studying and I'm back to that scared and self conscious mentality that I worked hard to get out of. I'm just trying not to think about things but I know that isn't healthy, and I really don't feel like talking to my parents about it either. I hate that I had to leave and I don't know what to do.

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Everything has been really stressful and I feel things just keep piling up. I'm a naturally optimistic person, but its getting really hard when everyone around me is completely defeated. I've never had so much to deal with at once and it's really stressing me out to the point where I have constant headaches and I cry pretty much every day. My mental health is honestly okay right now, but it is taking a lot of work to keep it that way. Back in the spring I pretty much shut down and didn't talk to anyone, but now I am making it a point to FaceTime someone every day. I think one blessing is that I do have some wonderful people in my life who are really helping me through everything, and I am trying to be there for them too. It's strange to me that I have found so many moments to be happy in between everything, but I think I have just adjusted to the crazy world. That being said, I do hope things get better soon because I'm not sure how much longer people can take this.

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every day seems to be the same and it is very hard to start each day with a better mindset when I already know how my day will look and its the same it has been for the last couple months

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every day seems to be the same and it is very hard to start each day with a better mindset when I already know how my day will look and its the same it has been for the last couple months

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Like everyone else who's posted to this, everything this year has just been hard. A lot of missed opportunities and a lot of things happening outside our control that just make life hard. Stress at school because of the shortened semester, and because all classes are online, stress at work because of COVID regulations. It all adds up. 

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Like everyone else who's posted to this, everything this year has just been hard. A lot of missed opportunities and a lot of things happening outside our control that just make life hard. Stress at school because of the shortened semester, and because all classes are online, stress at work because of COVID regulations. It all adds up. 

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(PS: I'm only posting now because I was so behind in other classes and in my VMCAS)

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I miss going to football games, it was really upsetting getting all my memories from previous years this week at Carter Finley :(

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I miss going to football games, it was really upsetting getting all my memories from previous years this week at Carter Finley :(

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I miss being able to get out of the house and make plans with other people. It feels like time passes so quickly and I find myself overworking and trying to work and go to school since I feel like I have so much free time since I can't make plans.

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As a senior I feel like the future is so uncertain and all my plans for after college have been thrown out the window. It gives me a lot of anxiety when thinking about what I am supposed to be doing (what is the best for me and my goals for the future vs. my mental health and the current situation in the world) Basically feeling really lost and confused on how to move forward during all of this.