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The Marshmallow Test shows that kids who displayed an ability for delayed gratification were more successful in a variety of areas later in life.

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The Marshmallow Test | Igniter Media | Church Video

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Do a pair of one-year-olds squabbling over plastic hair rollers sound like fun to you? My guess is an unqualified 'no', but infants and toddlers define fun, play and learning quite differently than their elders. They approach social situations, even those that turn into minor conflicts, with curiosity and openness.

Observing infant and toddler interactions over the years, I've learned that babies have volumes to teach us about getting along with others, if we can just stay out of their way and let them.

Please watch the struggle in this video without any preconceived notions about play, manners, sharing, who-had-it-first. I think you'll see that toddlers are not only capable problem solvers, they are ingenious, tenacious, accepting and forgiving.

Notes about interventions in this video:

1. Beginning around this age, I gently try to encourage the children to use language (like "no") with each other, so they will be less inclined to hit or push (or allow themselves to be hit or pushed).

2. In RIE parent-infant guidance classes, we don't believe in using a blaming tone when there is conflict, so that children don't identify themselves as victims or aggressors. Instead, we ' sportscast ' the situation non-judgmentally and matter-of-factly. Infants and toddlers are just learning and experimenting, and we want to give them the confidence to continue to do so.

3. Wish I would have said something to the little girl when she looked at me, something like, "You were both holding the roller and now he has it." Or, "Yes, I saw what happened." Or maybe, "Yes, I'm making a movie." Honestly, I think I was afraid of interrupting something I was excited to share with you all, but she looked like she was asking for a response. I learn a lot watching these videos!

Educational experiences like this one are possible when we:

Provide a safe play space with communal toys (rather than personal ones) and allow children to interact with a small group of others of a similar age.

Fulfill basic needs. Obviously, toddlers who are hungry, thirsty, tired or otherwise uncomfortable won't have the same interest in, or ability to face, social challenges.

Observe attentively and quietly. Children will play and interact when parents are talking, but it's less likely and probably won't go as smoothly. Babies are sensitive to the noise level, think more clearly and feel safer with each other when they have our quiet attention.

Physically intervene only when children might hurt each other and when doing so model gentleness. Our actions speak louder than our words.

State the conflict for the children non-judgmentally with an even-tone to help them understand what is happening and let them know you understand and are paying attention.

Provide an atmosphere of trust - believe the children capable of handling their squabbles. In my experience (and as demonstrated in the video), the children that "take" the most are invariably the ones who "give" the most. Children this age don't understand the concepts of "sharing" or "ownership", and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning. Our interruptions put the brakes on valuable social exchanges and leave toddlers with the message that they're incapable of interacting with their peers.

In these first couple of years, babies are innocently looking for a way to engage, just trying to figure out how to play together. There are going to be plenty of struggles, clumsy exchanges and blunders along the way. But our babies won't be inclined to judge the situation or each other, they'll just be glad to be there.

Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve. - Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect
I share more about this respectful approach in Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

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Do a pair of one-year-olds squabbling over plastic hair rollers sound like fun to you? My guess is an unqualified 'no', but infants and toddlers define fun, play and learning quite differently than their elders. They approach social situations, even...

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Many preschoolers have problems sharing, taking turns, and negotiating roles when they play together. These day-to-day conflicts are great opportunities for child care providers to help 3- to 5-year-olds practice the skills needed to resolve disagreements. Even the youngest preschoolers can learn the basics of conflict resolution with appropriate help and guidance from supportive child care providers.

Benefits of Teaching Conflict Resolution to Young Children

Learning to handle conflicts in productive ways is an important social skill that children will use throughout their lives. When child care providers help preschoolers practice resolving conflicts, they become more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Children also develop self-confidence when they learn how to solve their problems in a positive and assertive way. Conflict resolution involves good communication, real listening, and searching for solutions that children can agree to. This kind of problem solving teaches children how to think creatively and to evaluate solutions.

Steps in Resolving Conflicts

Child care providers can begin teaching children to negotiate and solve disagreements by guiding them through some simple steps. Remember that children need repeated practice to resolve conflicts. Child care providers will need to lead children through the steps at first. With repeated practice, preschoolers and school-age children can learn to work through these steps by themselves.

Find a quiet place to talk. Before helping children resolve the conflict, child care providers need to remove children from the place where the conflict occurred. Find a quiet place in the room where everyone can sit and discuss the situation without interruptions.

Set ground rules. Conflicts raise strong emotions in most children. Ground rules will help ensure that children discuss the situation rationally and arrive at a solution that all children are willing to try. Common ground rules for children resolving conflicts include:

Everyone gets a say.

Everyone listens without interrupting.

Everyone gets to propose a solution.

All solutions must be discussed.

The group must choose the best solution together.

Give each person a say. Go around the circle and ask each child to tell her side of the story. Use questions like "Amy, what happened?" and "Beth, what happened?" to allow each child to share. Remind children to listen without interrupting. Be sure everyone has the chance to speak about the problem.

State the problem clearly. Based on the information that all children shared, summarize the problem in a few words. You might say something like, "Amy and Beth, it sounds like you both want to be the mother in dramatic play. Is that right?"

Ask each person to suggest a solution. Go around the circle again and ask each person, "What do you think we should do to solve this problem?" Again, remind children to listen without interrupting. Encourage each child to suggest a solution, even if the suggestion is the same as the one proposed by another child.

Help the group choose a solution. Guide the children in discussing the pros and cons of each solution. Ask them to think about how they would feel about that solution, and encourage them to consider how the solution would affect others as well as themselves. For example, you might say, "Amy has suggested that both of you get to be the mother and take care of your own babies. Beth, how would you feel about that solution? Are there any problems with this idea?"

Put the solution into effect. Congratulate the children on coming up with a solution together. Go with the children as they begin trying out their solution. Remind them of the agreement if children are not following the solution chosen.

Observe and check in if needed. Watch the children interact for a little while. Watch the ways that they are playing together, and pay attention to any problems that still seem to be happening. If the solution is not working, or children are unhappy with the solution, bring the group back together to renegotiate a better solution.

With time and repeated practice, preschoolers can learn to use these steps to solve problems without the help of their child care provider. Resolving conflicts helps children learn valuable communication skills and can encourage them to be more accepting of different points of view.

For More Information

Remember that guiding children's behavior is an ongoing process. For more information, check out the eXtension Alliance for Better Child Care section on Guidance and Discipline in Child Care. Specific articles that may be of interest include the following:

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Ways Child Care Providers Can Teach Young Children to Resolve Conflicts - eXtension

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Many preschoolers have problems sharing, taking turns, and negotiating roles when they play together. These day-to-day conflicts are great opportunities for child care providers to help 3- to 5-year-olds practice the skills needed to resolve disagreements. Even the youngest preschoolers can learn the basics of conflict resolution with appropriate help and guidance from supportive child care providers.

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Given a choice, I would avoid conflict like the plague, but I don't live in a plastic bubble. My day is full of personal interactions with family, friends, co-workers and strangers (including the telemarketer predictably calling at dinnertime). As a result, I find that I constantly need to exercise and hone my "handling conflict" skills.

Thankfully, I'm blessed with the most inspiring teachers in the world: the infants and toddlers in my classes. If I were half as willing and able to face conflicts directly and work through them as these little ones do, I'd be fine.

How do we learn to resolve conflicts? Our biggest influences in both our attitude and response are our parents (no surprise there). As our primary role models, we learned by observing them deal with their own conflicts, and most profoundly by their interactions with us. These core lessons, instilled early on, become part of our psyche and can overrule everything we absorb intellectually later in life.

We also develop our conflict skills through early interactions with siblings and peers. Through trial and error we discover how to achieve the desired results, which might be expressing our feelings or defining personal boundaries without severing our connection to the people involved (unless they're telemarketers).

Conflict resolution is an art rather than a science, because each situation presents so many unique variables. Each individual's temperament, perceptions, baggage, etc. all come into play. Should we hash it out? Insist? Give in? Or just walk away? There's no one-size-fits-all approach.

So we can all use as much practice as we can get, especially young children. Beyond exposing our children to everyday social situations - play dates and trips to the park - how can we help children learn to manage and resolve conflict?

In short, by allowing them to experience it with our support. Providing this support means learning when and how to intervene. Here are some of my intervention do's and don'ts:

It's a big challenge to let go of our adult wish to tie a neat bow around our children's disagreements and avoid their emotional outbursts. But our interventions can prevent children from learning much of anything other than that they are dependent on us to fix these situations, incapable of handling conflicts themselves.

Resolving it for them includes demanding that toddlers share or take turns, as well as offering ideas and suggestions like, "How about you both hold onto the pail and carry it together? There you go!"

The challenge for parents is to allow children to safely engage in conflict and resolve it their way, rather than letting our discomfort or impatience get the better of us. The more we say and do for our children in these situations, the less they will learn to handle themselves. Trust and patience must precede learning.

2. Don't neglect to protect

Some misinterpret "respectful discipline" as simply telling children not to hit, bite, etc., rather than physically intervening. Children need both. They need us to be ready to prevent these harmful behaviors if possible, blocking or holding children's hands and calmly shadowing children who have demonstrated these behaviors in the past (or seem in an out-of-sorts mood that day).

3. Don't shame or lecture by pointing out the obvious

One of our goals should be to help children build confidence to deal with conflicts, but much of the expert advice commonly given strips confidence away. A friend shared this exchange she'd had with her toddler's prospective teacher:
When I asked what the teacher does when there's conflict, she said something along these lines of, "I show the child - look at John's face, he is hurt, do you see how he looks? Do you see how your actions hurt John?"
As I told my friend, this type of response is one of my pet peeves. It's heavy-handed, shaming and underestimates our children's awareness. Kids are even more sensitive than we are, and beginning at birth it is next to impossible for them not to register the feelings of those around them. Hitting or pushing has much less to do with "John", much more to do with what's going on inside the "perpetrator". Generally, these are momentary impulses beyond a young child's control, and our job is to help toddlers with these impulses, not rub their noses in the consequences of their actions.

4. Don't speak in exclamation points, use an angry tone or expression

Again, this creates shame, erodes confidence and fuels the undesirable behavior by giving it negative attention.

5. Don't take sides

Taking sides creates "bad guys" and "helpless victims".
1.Make "remain neutral" your mantra 2. Acknowledge both sides (sportscasting)
3. Protect children by preventing hitting, pushing or repetitive toy taking calmly and confidently, and shadow a child who seems to be having a difficult day.

If children seem to be caught in a pattern of hitting, biting, pushing (or other limit-pushing behavior), they need our help and protection, not our scolding. They might be:

Tired

Hungry

Seeking the firm limits they are not getting at home

Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed

Releasing stress

Feeling over-excited, overstimulated, out of control

If we don't catch the behavior in time to prevent it, firmly and matter-of-factly remind the child, "You want that toy, but I won't let you hit" or "I don't want you to hit." Leave it at that.

4. Let infants and toddlers take toys, because this is on their short list of "playing together" possibilities. Only intervene to protect an older toddler's more elaborate projects or when a child seems stuck in a pattern of toy taking. (For more on this, please read What to Do About A Toddler Toy Taker.)

5. Keep an open mind - This means allowing children to do it their way, which will be different from our way most of the time. Trust is our biggest challenge.

6. Wait rather than putting a time limit on conflict, even if it seems intense. If no one's getting hurt, it is healthy for children to release these feelings.

Kate from Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids shared this brilliant example of patience and trust paying off... (Lucy, 2.5, and Penny, 1.5, are sisters)
I put your advice into action on a car trip this afternoon. Penny was playing with a toy turtle that Lucy had happened to bring on the trip in the first place. Lucy noticed and shouted, "that's my turtle, give it to me!" Penny looked at her momentarily and then continued to play with it. I said to Lucy, 'You really want that turtle, Lucy." And then to Penny: "You're still playing with the turtle", and then silence. I wanted them to process. After about 20 secs, Lucy, then in a much calmer voice said, "Please, Penny, can I have the turtle". Penny still continued to play with the turtle. So I stated: "You're still playing with the turtle, Penny". Silence again for about 30 secs, then Penny began mouthing the turtle and Lucy started getting a little agitated again and with a raised voice said, "Don't eat the turtle, Penny!" I then said, "You don't want Penny to eat the turtle, Lucy." She said (much calmer), "No!" and then added a little later, "Just pretend." Then silence for another 30 secs or so, and then an ecstatic voice: "Penny, gave me the turtle!" I looked back, and sure enough Lucy had the turtle and all was peaceful!
***

Toddler Bites by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

5 Reasons to Love Conflict by Emily Plank, Abundant Life Children

Sibling Conflicts: Guest Post Solutions From Lisa Sunbury, The Twin Coach

Could NOT Forcing a Toddler to Share Help With Sharing Conflicts? by Kate Russell, Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish

5 Benefits of Sportscasting Your Child's Struggles, The S Word - Toddlers Learning To Share and The Baby Social Scene - 5 Hints for Creating Safe and Joyful Playgroups on this blog

For video demonstrations:
These Toddlers Are NOT Sharing Don't Fix These Toddler Struggles Baby Tug Of War, We're Just Playing

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Helping Toddlers Resolve Conflicts (Rules of Engagement)

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Given a choice, I would avoid conflict like the plague, but I don't live in a plastic bubble. My day is full of personal interactions with family, friends, co-workers and strangers (including the telemarketer predictably calling at dinnertime). As a...

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Time and time again I see toddlers benefiting from impulse control - ours, not theirs. Our natural tendencies to project and protect when our children seem challenged invariably lead us to intervene too much or too soon. These good intentions can then spoil rich opportunities for physical, cognitive, creative, social and emotional development.

Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here's an example...

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and took the bowl out of her mouth. I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a "sip" from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or insisted he give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I've learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To demonstrate, here's a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get's upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language - words like "blue", "box", "sit down" and even abstract concepts like "right now" are understood and verbalized.

Social skills - communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency - I can do it (figure it out, handle it).

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, "I won't let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now." Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge-close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. ( Magda Gerber called this " sportscasting ".) "You both want the toy. You're both holding onto it."

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. "You seem frustrated. It's hard to get out of the box, isn't it?" (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don't hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

"Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve." -Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

I share much more about this respectful approach in my book:
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

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Time and time again I see toddlers benefiting from impulse control - ours, not theirs. Our natural tendencies to project and protect when our children seem challenged invariably lead us to intervene too much or too soon. These good intentions...

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Mrs. Green leads the children in her preschool classroom in their morning song: "The more we get together, together, together, the more we get together the hap-." She stops abruptly to run after Miles, who has left morning circle to play with the musical instruments. As Mrs. Green approaches him, Miles folds his arms across his chest, then kicks his legs and screams. Mrs. Green gently places her hand on Miles's arm and looks him in the eye. She says, "Miles, I see that you are upset because you don't want to sit at morning circle and want to play with the musical instruments instead. Should we take the instruments to the circle and play with them after we've finished our calendar activities?" Miles smiles. Mrs. Green notes his response and says, "OK. First, please sit calmly at morning circle for three minutes; then you can play with the instruments. Is that a deal?" Miles nods. Mrs. Green responds, "Give me a high-five!"

Miles's actions are clearly a source of frustration for his teachers. Although teachers will want to evaluate whether they are planning activities that require children to sit for an extended time and ensure that the activities they offer children are active and meaningful, it is also important for teachers to understand how to support children who exhibit challenging behavior. Challenging behavior is defined as "any repeated pattern of behavior, or perception of behavior, that interferes with or is at risk of interfering with optimal learning or engagement in prosocial interactions with peers and adults" (Powell, Dunlap, & Fox 2006, 26). Challenging behavior can signal difficulty with social and emotional adjustment-foundational competencies that are linked to children's school readiness and later school success (Fantuzzo et al. 2007).

Although challenging behavior can occur in any classroom, research indicates that some children in urban communities experience conditions that contribute to risk factors for social and emotional delays (Fox, Dunlap, & Powell 2002). In addition, there is a specific need to support children who live in poverty, as children in poor families are twice as likely to be at risk for developmental, behavioral, and social delays as children in families earning 200 percent or more of the federal poverty line (Children's Defense Fund 2014). That is, while 10-21 percent of all preschool children show challenging behaviors such as aggression, noncompliance, defiance, tantrums, and property destruction, 30 percent of children who live in poverty exhibit such behaviors (Voorhees et al. 2013).

In this article we describe five culturally responsive core strategies to promote positive teacher relationships with young children in preschool and minimize challenging behavior: learn about children and families, develop and teach expectations, take the child's perspective, teach and model empathy, and use group times to discuss conflict. As African American boys experience a much higher rate of suspensions and expulsions from preschool settings than do other children (Gilliam 2005), these relationship-building techniques are particularly relevant for teachers as they reflect on their own practices and biases-especially toward African American boys-in early childhood classrooms.

Learn about children and families

A core consideration in developmentally appropriate practice and cultural responsiveness is that practitioners learn about each child and family and intentionally adapt and respond to each child's strengths and needs (Copple & Bredekamp 2009; Derman-Sparks & Edwards 2009). Culturally responsive practice is often defined as using the experiences and perspectives of children and their families as a tool to support them more effectively (Gay 2002). As this approach is child and family centered, it sets the stage for critical relationship building (Ford & Kea 2009).

Teachers can partner with families by inviting them to visit the classroom and participate in activities with their child. Teachers can also arrange to visit children at home, where they may engage in informal discussions with family members about what children enjoy doing for fun and learn about their favorite food, toy, or song. These interactions can reveal cultural values and norms in the home environment. Families may also share information about their child's temperament, primary play partners, and home language (NAEYC 1995). Meetings at school with families might address family routines, religious holidays and traditions, and activities the families enjoy in the community. Teachers can use information they learn about a child and family to support the child's social and emotional adjustment to the early childhood environment. Further, these conversations can demonstrate that not all children and families within a particular racial or ethnic group display similar characteristics, which is a potential teacher bias (Ford & Kea 2009). Sharing a short, warm anecdote with families, in person or in a note, about something their child did that day assures parents that the teacher cares about their child and makes an effort to know the child individually. This further connects families to their child's classroom community.

During a recent conversation with Miles's mother, Mrs. Green learned that Miles's father is a musician and that Miles really enjoys music. Miles's mother explained that Miles likes to dance and sing to his favorite songs, moving vigorously around the house. Mrs. Green used her knowledge about Miles's interest to plan music and movement activities for future morning circles to engage Miles.

Pyramid Model Framework

The five core strategies we suggest are informed by fundamental principles of the pyramid model (Fox & Hemmeter 2009)-a comprehensive framework for addressing the social and emotional outcomes of young children (Hemmeter, Ostrosky, & Fox 2006). The pyramid model includes three levels of support: universal prevention strategies for use with all children; secondary social and emotional approaches for children at risk for social and emotional delays; and tertiary individualized and function-based interventions for children with persistent challenges (Fox & Hemmeter 2009).

Develop and teach expectations

The second culturally responsive strategy in the pyramid model framework is developing and teaching two to five classroom expectations that are linked to the values and cultures of the children, teachers, and families. Expectations should be positively stated and developmentally appropriate, and should apply to both children and adults (teachers and families) (Steed & Pomerleau 2012). After cultivating a better understanding of children and families, early childhood teachers can base expectations on shared values and connections to cultures. Young children should be included in forming guidelines for behavior, as they are more likely to understand and follow them when they have input. Examples of expectations for preschool children include "Be a Friend, Be Safe, and Be a Helper" and "Use Listening Ears, Use Gentle Touches, and Use Walking Feet."

Expectations need to be consistently emphasized to prevent challenging behavior. In addition to responding to opportunities that arise during the day, teachers decide how and when they will teach, model, and positively reinforce the expectations across environments (circle time, music and movement activities, recess, lunch/snack) so that the guidelines and associated behaviors become part of the program culture (Benedict, Horner, & Squires 2007). Many teachers develop songs and hand movements to go with their expectations. Other approaches include modeling, using puppets, reading stories, and role-playing. Pictures of the children, teachers, and staff demonstrating the expectations can be posted in classrooms and common areas for further encouragement.

To reinforce positive behavior and to bring the actions to children's attention, it is important to verbally acknowledge children and adults when they demonstrate expectations. When a child's behavior reflects a great example of an expectation such as "Be a Friend"-like helping another child clean up a spill at lunch or inviting a new child to build a block tower-teachers can write a note of thanks or give the child an opportunity to wear a "Super Friend" cape. A bulletin board in a common area provides a public place to post notecards recognizing adults who demonstrate examples of meeting program expectations ("Miss Wilma was a helper today when she fixed Erin's hearing device!").

To be culturally responsive, it is important that expectations reflect the values and cultures of families and teachers and other staff in the school. For example, in the African American culture, in which community is valued over independence (Ford & Kea 2009), guidelines for some activities (like snack) may emphasize relationship-building behaviors-passing the food bowl-over independent adaptive skills-taking an appropriate portion of a self-serve snack.

Develop and teach empathy

Another culturally responsive strategy for supporting positive relationships is empathy-concern for others arising from an emotional connection. Empathetic individuals apply interpersonal sensitivity to understand the experiences of others in order to provide support or assistance (Berliner & Materson 2015). Researchers have long theorized that empathy is a critical component in teacher effectiveness in urban settings, positively impacting teachers' dispositions in interactions with students of color (Warren 2014). Thus, it is important for teachers in urban settings to model and encourage empathy to foster a culturally responsive classroom environment.

To develop and teach empathy, teachers first have to know themselves (Derman-Sparks & Edwards 2009). It is necessary for teachers to engage in critical self-reflection to uncover implicit personal biases and assumptions, and bridge understanding across cultural groups (Cooper, He, & Levin 2011; Price 2015). Whether subconscious or explicit, teachers' negative perceptions about children who differ from them in terms of culture, race, or ethnic identity can impact the teachers' ability to teach effectively and create empathetic classrooms.

Teachers can help children learn empathetic behavior by modeling warm and responsive actions, like anticipating and responding promptly to children's needs and worries, and greeting children with a smile (Twardosz 2005). Using storybooks, games, and music is another way to teach empathy. Teachers can create lessons and activities that highlight respect, kindness, compassion, and responsibility-and help children discover similarities with peers from different backgrounds (Berliner & Materson 2015). Teachers can ponder reflective questions, such as, What are my initial reactions to this child and her family?, What do my reactions tell me about my personal beliefs and assumptions?, and What can I do to build the child's and family's trust? (Collins, Arthur, & Wong-Wylie 2010; Price 2015). Although there is work to be done to unpack the contextual factors that may explain why African American boys are expelled and suspended at a higher rate than other preschool children, self-reflective questions like these and those offered throughout Anti-Bias Education for Young Children and Ourselves (Derman Sparks & Edwards 2009) are one place to start.

It is necessary for teachers to engage in critical self-reflection to uncover implicit personal biases and assumptions.

Historically, picture books have featured mostly white characters (Larrick 1965). When choosing high-quality books for the classroom, make sure that the characters reflect the ethnic makeup of your classroom (Larrick 1965; Koss 2014), as it is important for all children, and particularly those of color, to "see themselves" in books. During these lessons, teachers can teach relevant emotion vocabulary (Joseph, Strain, & Ostrosky 2008), read books, and sing songs that reflect the children's cultures. According to the tenets of Afrocentric teaching-which harnesses the skills African American children bring to schools to engage them in the classroom experience (Ford & Kea 2009)-combining music with creative movement, mime, and dance is a form of expression for many African American children and engages them in shared affective experiences that are useful for empathy development (Boykin 1994; Laird 2015).

For example, in a jubilant rendition, Miles and Carmen share a toy drum and a tambourine as they dance to a popular song heard in their communities. The song promotes unity, friendship, and love. Through group music making, children can express feelings and connect with the feelings of others, promoting positive social and emotional development.

Additional Resources

Center for the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL)- http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu

Technical Assistance Center on Social Emotional Intervention (TACSEI)- http://challengingbehavior.fmhi.usf.edu

Pyramid Model Consortium- www.pyramidmodel.org

Perspective taking

A fourth culturally responsive strategy, perspective taking, has been defined as the capacity to understand another's thoughts, feelings, or internal states (DeBernardis, Hayes, & Fryling 2014). Through the use of affective statements, teachers can reframe a child's challenging behavior and focus on the child's internal state. Affective statements are "I" statements that express a feeling, precisely describe a child's behavior, and make the child aware of the positive or negative impact of the behavior (Costello, Wachtel, & Wachtel 2009). Take, for example, a child who often transitions from lunch to outdoor time by pushing his way through classmates to discard his trash and dash to the playground door. A teacher might say, "Stop running in the classroom. When you run in the classroom, our friends are not safe." To reframe the child's behavior, the teacher might consider that the child is excited to play outside. From this perspective, the teacher could rephrase her statement: "I see that you are really excited about going outside. Thank you for putting your dish in the trash, but please remember to use your walking feet and move around your friends." When teachers use affective statements to reframe a child's challenging behavior, it demonstrates their understanding of the child's perspective. Miles's teacher used an affective statement that considered his perspective about morning circle when she stated, "Miles, I see that you are upset because you do not want to sit at morning circle and want to play with the musical instruments instead."

Using group time to discuss conflict

The final culturally responsive strategy drawing from the pyramid model framework is using group time to resolve conflict. This allows for a restorative justice approach, which offers those involved in the conflict an opportunity for reconciliation. Although many children benefit from the use of group time to address conflict and this approach can promote inclusion, as opposed to exclusion (e.g., time out), as a response to challenging behavior, it is important to develop methods and awareness so children do not feel shamed during the process but rather part of a trusting community of problem solvers. When done well, problem solving as a group can foster active engagement and learning and enable children and adults to build strong relationships. The teacher can establish the tone for the group by reading a poem about friendship or sharing a culturally relevant and familiar quote from a song, movie, or book. Next, it is helpful to remind children of the expectations for the discussion: "We've been practicing how to listen and how to talk at group time. Let's remember to wait calmly for our turn to speak, make eye contact with the person to whom we're talking, and use kind words." In some cases, teachers can minimize challenging behavior by conducting group time prior to situations with potential for challenging behavior (before a field trip, in the beginning of the school year, prior to implementing a change to the environment) (Costello, Wachtel, & Wachtel 2009; Pautz 2009).

Conclusion

Young children with challenging behavior are often rejected by their peers and receive less positive feedback from teachers than their peers do (Hemmeter, Ostrosky, & Fox 2006). Early childhood classrooms are a primary setting for teaching skills that are critical for young children's social and emotional development. Given the large amount of time many children spend in these settings, it is important that strong, positive teacher-child relationships be nurtured to ensure that children receive the support needed to promote positive social and emotional development (Bronfenbrenner 1977) and school readiness in general (Williford et al. 2013). Practitioners in urban settings play a valuable role in young children's social and emotional development by providing supports that are relevant and appropriate.

The five culturally responsive strategies described in this article can guide teachers in creating a classroom atmosphere that not only responds to children's challenging behaviors but also anticipates their needs. Implementation of these strategies helps teachers initiate sustainable relationships and nurturing classrooms where all children are valued and have opportunities to grow and develop. The more children get together and engage in prosocial interactions with teachers and peers, the happier everyone will truly be.

References

Benedict, E.A., R.H. Horner, & J.K. Squires. 2007. "Assessment and Implementation of Positive Behavior Support in Preschools." Topics in Early Childhood Special Education 27 (3): 174-92.

Berliner, R., & T.L. Masterson. 2015. "Review of the Research: Promoting Empathy Development in the Early Childhood and Elementary Classroom." Childhood Education 91 (1): 57-64.

Boykin, A.W. 1994. "Afrocultural Expression and Its Implications for Schooling." In Teaching Diverse Populations: Formulating a Knowledge Base, eds. E.R. Hollins, J.E. King, & W.C. Hayman, 243-56. Albany: State University of New York Press.

Bronfenbrenner, U. 1977. "Toward an Experimental Ecology of Human Development." American Psychologist 32 (7): 515-31.

Children's Defense Fund. 2014. The State of America's Children. Washington, DC: Children's Defense Fund. www.childrensdefense.org/library/state-of-americas-children/2014-soac.pdf.
Collins, S., N. Arthur, & G. Wong-Wylie. 2010. "Enhancing Reflective Practice in Multicultural Counseling Through Cultural Auditing." Journal of Counseling and Development 88 (3): 340-47.

Cooper, J.E., Y. He, & B.B. Levin. 2011. Developing Critical Cultural Competence: A Guide for 21st Century Educators. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Copple, C., & S. Bredekamp, eds. 2009. Developmentally Appropriate Practice in Early Childhood Programs Serving Children From Birth Through Age 8. 3rd ed. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Costello, B., J. Wachtel, & T. Wachtel. 2009. The Restorative Practices Handbook for Teachers, Disciplinarians, and Administrators. Bethlehem, PA: International Institute for Restorative Practices.

DeBernardis, G.M., L.J. Hayes, & M.J. Fryling. 2014. "Perspective Taking as a Continuum." Psychological Record 64 (1): 123-31.

Derman-Sparks, L., & J.O. Edwards. 2009. Anti-Bias Education for Young Children and Ourselves. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Dixon, H. 2016. "Making Peace in Kindergarten: Social and Emotional Growth for All Learners." Young Children 71 (4): 57-66. www.naeyc.org/yc/pastissues.

Fantuzzo, J., R. Bulotsky-Shearer, P. McDermott, C. McWayne, D. Frye, & S. Perlman. 2007. "Investigation of Dimensions of Social-Emotional Classroom Behavior and School Readiness for Low-Income Urban Preschool Children." School Psychology Review 36 (1): 44-62.

Ford , D.Y., & C.D. Kea. 2009. "Creating Culturally Responsive Instruction: For Students' and Teachers' Sakes." Focus on Exceptional Children 41 (9): 1-16.

Fox, L., G. Dunlap, & D. Powell. 2002. "Young Children With Challenging Behavior: Issues and Considerations for Behavior Support." Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions 4 (4): 208-17.

Fox, L., & M.L. Hemmeter. 2009. "A Program-Wide Model for Supporting Social Emotional Development and Addressing Challenging Behavior in Early Childhood Settings." In Handbook of Positive Behavior Support, eds. W. Sailor, G. Dunlap, G. Sugai, & R. Horner, 177-202. New York: Springer.

Gay, G. 2002. "Preparing for Culturally Responsive Teaching." Journal of Teacher Education 53 (2): 106-16.

Gilliam, W.S. 2005. Prekindergartners Left Behind: Expulsion Rates in the State in Prekindergarten Programs. New Haven, CT: Yale University Child Study Center.

Hemmeter, M.L., M.M. Ostrosky, & L. Fox. 2006. "Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning: A Conceptual Model for Intervention." School Psychology Review 35 (4): 583-601.

Joseph, G., P. Strain, & M.M. Ostrosky. 2008. Fostering Emotional Literacy in Young Children: Labeling Emotions. What Works Brief #21. Champaign, IL: Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations of Learning. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/kits/wwbtk21.pdf.

Koss, M. 2014. "Diversity in Contemporary Picture Books: A Content Analysis." Journal of Children's Literature 41 (1): 32-42.

Laird, L. 2015. "Empathy in the Classroom: Can Music Bring Us More in Tune With One Another?" Music Educators Journal 101 (4): 56-61.

Larrick, N. 1965. "The All-White World of Children's Books." Saturday Review (1): 63-65.

NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children). 1995. "Responding to Linguistic and Cultural Diversity. Recommendations for Effective Early Childhood Education." Position statement. Washington DC: NAEYC. https://www.naeyc.org/files/naeyc/file/positions/PSDIV98.PDF.

Pautz, M.-I. 2009. "Empowering the Next Generation: Restorative Practices in a Preschool." Restorative Practices EForum. www.iirp.edu/iirpWebsites/web/uploads/article_pdfs/93908_rp_preschool.pdf.

Powell, D., G. Dunlap, & L. Fox. 2006. "Prevention and Intervention for the Challenging Behaviors of Toddlers and Preschoolers." Infants and Young Children 19 (1): 25-35.

Price, C. 2015. "Reflective Questions for Early Interventionists and Early Childhood Special Educators." Presentation at the Annual International Conference of the Division for Early Childhood of the Council for Exceptional Children, in Atlanta, Georgia.

Steed, E.A., & T. Pomerleau. 2012. Preschool-Wide Evaluation Tool (PreSet) Manual, Research Edition: Assessing Universal Program-Wide Positive Behavior Support in Early Childhood. Baltimore, MD: Brookes.

Twardosz, S. 2005. Expressing Warmth and Affection to Children. What Works Brief #20. Nashville, TN: Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/briefs/wwb20.pdf.

Voorhees, M.D., L.V. Walker, M.E. Snell, & C.G. Smith. 2013. "A Demonstration of Individualized Positive Behavior Support Interventions by Head Start Staff to Address Children's Challenging Behavior." Research and Practice for Persons With Severe Disabilities 38 (3): 173-85.

Warren, C.A. 2014. "Towards a Pedagogy for the Application of Empathy in Culturally Diverse Classrooms." Urban Review 46 (3): 395-419.

Williford, A.P., M.F. Maier, J.T. Downer, R.C. Pianta, & C. Howes. 2013. "Understanding How Children's Engagement and Teachers' Interactions Combine to Predict School Readiness." Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 34 (6): 299-309.

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Culturally Responsive Strategies to Support Young Children with Challenging Behavior

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Challenging behavior can signal difficulty with social and emotional adjustment-foundational competencies that are linked to children's school readiness and later school success.

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The still face experiment reminds us that regulation comes through relationships.

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Strategies for multiple ages.

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3 to 4 Learning to Resolve Conflicts by Susan A. Miller, Ed.D.
While acting out roles in their fire station play, Jeremy, a 3-year-old, runs over to Phyllis and force fully grabs the fire fighter's helmet off her head. Phyllis begins to rub her head and cry. The teacher asks Jeremy, "Why did you take Phyllis's helmet away?" He replies with great sincerity, "I need it!" On the other side of the refrigerator box fire station, 4-year-old Brett tells his best buddy, Tony, "I want the fire truck back now. You've had a long enough turn. " When Tony doesn't give the truck back right away, Brett then suggests, "Here. You take my fire hose while I use the truck."
So many of the conflicts in a preschool classroom revolve around possession disputes. How preschoolers handle these depends upon their social and language skills and their perception of the situation. Not yet a highly verbal problem solver; 3-year-old Jeremy is often inclined to physically take what he needs instead of asking for it. Because threes are still quite egocentric, he considers the toys in his preschool center to be his. For this reason, it is very difficult for him to share. He feels he should get the helmet because he wants to have it and it is right there in front of him. He does not mean to make Phyllis cry, nor does he intentionally want to hurt her Even after the teacher explains why they should take turns, it is still difficult for 3-year-olds to understand this concept.
Pathways to Problem Solving
On the other hand, 4-year-old Brett is asserting himself in a more positive manner His extensive language skills enable him to let his friend, Tony, know exactly how he is feeling about the situation. Because 4-year-- olds are beginning to be able to see things from another child's point of view, Brett realizes that Tony won't have anything to play with if he takes the truck away. Brett tries out his negotiation skills as he attempts to avoid a conflict with his best friend by offering to trade the fire truck for the hose. Socially more experienced than threes, 4-year-olds often exhibit reciprocal behaviors such as compromising, bargaining, sharing, or taking turns with desired possessions.
Rules and Expectations
Rules made up by the children help preschoolers define their play and practice their social and language skills.

When 3-year-old Jill says to Jessica, "Follow me!" and Jessica doesn't do this, she may receive a frown, another verbal reminder, and then be left behind. The 3-- year-old calling out directions is usually more interested in her own activity than the other child's feelings. She may then try to engage a new playmate. The child left behind may decide to look for a more interesting project.

This activity is more complicated for fours. By demanding, "Follow me to the swings!" Marco may feel the need to make it clear to his friends that he is the leader in charge and a power struggle can arise. Frequently, a child who doesn't follow the rules is excluded from a small select group of threes.
Challenged by Conflict
Fours often resort to name calling or insults as a way to feel powerful during a dispute. They may declare, "Only a dummy doesn't follow the Captain!" Competition can create a further conflict and disagreement as one member of the group boasts, "I can swing higher than you!" As a solution to these kinds of conflicts, some young children resort to force, while others may walk away. As they exercise their social and language skills, some preschoolers learn to negotiate, share and take turns to help resolve disputes peacefully.

It's important to help children solve problems or conflicts in ways that they are comfortable with, keeping in mind their families' customs and their own learning styles and personalities.
What You Can Do
Help children to verbalize their thoughts. Demonstrate how they can use words to assert themselves instead of using force. Use puppets to help children practice a simple dialogue about taking turns and sharing.

Model sharing during daily activities. For example, explain, "I have a new can of red clay. How can I make sure everyone at the table has a lump to play with?"

Give children a voice in decision making. If one group wants to turn the block area into a hospital, and the class members seem to be having a territorial dispute, talk through and list their ideas so they can see others' viewpoints and make a community decision.

Read various stories about resolving conflicts. In Hey, Little Ant by Phillip and Hannah Hoose (Tricycle Press, 1998; $14.95), young readers are given an opportunity to discuss how they might solve a dilemma. In Kevin Henkes's Sheila Rae's Peppermint Stick (Greenwillow, 2001; $6.95), preschoolers discover that sometimes conflicts resolve themselves!

5 to 6 Able Problem Solvers by Ellen Booth Church
Connor and Martin are busily building next to each other in the block area when they reach for the same block. Tugging on the block, they angrily say in unison, "It's mine. I had it first!" Each child clearly believes the block belongs to him. A conflict has emerged that will take some immediate action and discussion to resolve.
How can the teacher help Connor and Martin resolve their conflict? By encouraging children to use the skills they have available to them. Five and 6-year-olds are able to grasp abstract concepts about sharing and communication, as long as they are presented in a concrete way. As 5-year-olds, Connor and Martin are "here and now" children. They can apply conflict resolution skills presented by an adult when they are in the midst of a situation. This is different from younger children who tend to stay fixed in an emotional state during conflict and may not be able to imagine or even hear suggestions made by an adult to resolve their conflicts.
Discussing the "It's Mine!" Conflict
It is important for children to take an active role in solving social conflict. At this stage of development, children are capable of understanding the importance of "using their words" to discuss the problem. However, they may need an adult negotiator to help them through the situation. The teacher in this kindergarten knew that the first step was to help Connor and Martin control their emotions and define the problem. As she held the block in question (while the children calmed down) she invited each child, one at a time, to tell his version of the event while the other listened.
Brainstorming Solutions
The key next step was to invite the children to verbalize possible solutions to the problem that would be satisfying to both of them. In this situation, there may be similar blocks on the shelf that can be counted out equally and shared. Or perhaps they can combine their blocks and build a larger structure together. The teacher helped Connor and Martin choose a solution and then observed for a few moments as they tried it out. Under the watchful eye of a compassionate adult, the children not only solved the problem but also learned the steps to problem solving. By expanding their conflict-resolution vocabulary and brainstorming options, she has used the developmental strengths of their age level to move the children to a more mature method of dealing with conflict that they will (with additional experiences) be able to apply to many different situations.
Talking About Results
Five- and 6-year-olds can clearly understand the principles of cause and effect, but they may need to have these principles pointed out in each situation. After children have worked through a conflict, talking about the effects of their resolution provides concrete understanding about the value of working things out.
What You Can Do

Do it NOW! Deal with conflict in the moment instead of waiting. Children will grasp the situation and experiment with solutions better when events are current.

Introduce the "ABCD" steps to problem solving. A: Ask what is the problem; B: Brainstorm solutions; C: Choose a solution to try; D: Do it!

Model vocabulary that can be used in conflict resolution. Try showing children how you resolved a conflict of your own.

Five- and 6-year-olds are at the stage of developing conflict resolution skills-not necessarily mastering them. It will take some time and experience for children to use some of these skills independently.

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Ages & Stages: Learning to Resolve Conflicts | Scholastic

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3 to 4 Learning to Resolve Conflicts by Susan A. Miller, Ed.D. While acting out roles in their fire station play, Jeremy, a 3-year-old, runs over to Phyllis and force fully grabs the fire fighter's helmet off her head. Phyllis begins to rub her head and cry.

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This article goes through clear steps of students handling conflicts on their own.

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Coaching Children in Handling Everyday Conflicts | Responsive Classroom

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"Teacher, he won't play with me." "Teacher, she cut in line." "Teacher, he took my book."Such classroom conflicts are familiar in elementary school life. For years, resolving such conflicts for children filled my days. I lost valuable teaching time, and the children learned nothing about resolving their own conflicts-or preventing conflicts from happening in the first place.

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Children must learn to interpret others’ emotions.

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This article would be beneficial for before conflict and after- for after conflict this would help to re-address your approach to handling conflict.

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Conflict resolution involves good communication, real listening, and searching for solutions that children can agree to.

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Many preschoolers have problems sharing, taking turns, and negotiating roles when they play together. These day-to-day conflicts are great opportunities for child care providers to help 3- to 5-year-olds practice the skills needed to resolve disagreements. Even the youngest preschoolers can learn the basics of conflict resolution with appropriate help and guidance from supportive child care providers.

Benefits of Teaching Conflict Resolution to Young Children

Learning to handle conflicts in productive ways is an important social skill that children will use throughout their lives. When child care providers help preschoolers practice resolving conflicts, they become more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Children also develop self-confidence when they learn how to solve their problems in a positive and assertive way. Conflict resolution involves good communication, real listening, and searching for solutions that children can agree to. This kind of problem solving teaches children how to think creatively and to evaluate solutions.

Steps in Resolving Conflicts

Child care providers can begin teaching children to negotiate and solve disagreements by guiding them through some simple steps. Remember that children need repeated practice to resolve conflicts. Child care providers will need to lead children through the steps at first. With repeated practice, preschoolers and school-age children can learn to work through these steps by themselves.

Find a quiet place to talk. Before helping children resolve the conflict, child care providers need to remove children from the place where the conflict occurred. Find a quiet place in the room where everyone can sit and discuss the situation without interruptions.

Set ground rules. Conflicts raise strong emotions in most children. Ground rules will help ensure that children discuss the situation rationally and arrive at a solution that all children are willing to try. Common ground rules for children resolving conflicts include:

Everyone gets a say.

Everyone listens without interrupting.

Everyone gets to propose a solution.

All solutions must be discussed.

The group must choose the best solution together.

Give each person a say. Go around the circle and ask each child to tell her side of the story. Use questions like "Amy, what happened?" and "Beth, what happened?" to allow each child to share. Remind children to listen without interrupting. Be sure everyone has the chance to speak about the problem.

State the problem clearly. Based on the information that all children shared, summarize the problem in a few words. You might say something like, "Amy and Beth, it sounds like you both want to be the mother in dramatic play. Is that right?"

Ask each person to suggest a solution. Go around the circle again and ask each person, "What do you think we should do to solve this problem?" Again, remind children to listen without interrupting. Encourage each child to suggest a solution, even if the suggestion is the same as the one proposed by another child.

Help the group choose a solution. Guide the children in discussing the pros and cons of each solution. Ask them to think about how they would feel about that solution, and encourage them to consider how the solution would affect others as well as themselves. For example, you might say, "Amy has suggested that both of you get to be the mother and take care of your own babies. Beth, how would you feel about that solution? Are there any problems with this idea?"

Put the solution into effect. Congratulate the children on coming up with a solution together. Go with the children as they begin trying out their solution. Remind them of the agreement if children are not following the solution chosen.

Observe and check in if needed. Watch the children interact for a little while. Watch the ways that they are playing together, and pay attention to any problems that still seem to be happening. If the solution is not working, or children are unhappy with the solution, bring the group back together to renegotiate a better solution.

With time and repeated practice, preschoolers can learn to use these steps to solve problems without the help of their child care provider. Resolving conflicts helps children learn valuable communication skills and can encourage them to be more accepting of different points of view.

For More Information

Remember that guiding children's behavior is an ongoing process. For more information, check out the eXtension Alliance for Better Child Care section on Guidance and Discipline in Child Care. Specific articles that may be of interest include the following:

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Ways Child Care Providers Can Teach Young Children to Resolve Conflicts - eXtension

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Many preschoolers have problems sharing, taking turns, and negotiating roles when they play together. These day-to-day conflicts are great opportunities for child care providers to help 3- to 5-year-olds practice the skills needed to resolve disagreements. Even the youngest preschoolers can learn the basics of conflict resolution with appropriate help and guidance from supportive child care providers.

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Conflict Resolution website with books and resources for teachers to teach social skills to the children.

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Conflict Resolution website with books and resources for teachers to teach social skills to the children.

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This is CSEFEL the center on the Social and Emotional Foundations of Learning.

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The Pyramid Model for Supporting Social Emotional Competence in Infants and Young Children. We have developed extensive, user-friendly training materials, videos, and print resources which are available directly from this website to help early care, health and education providers implement this model.

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Visit our states page to find more information about any of our state partners or new resources and information for all states.

State Partners: California, Colorado, Hawaii, Iowa, Maryland, Massachusetts, Nebraska, North Carolina, Tennessee, Vermont, and Wisconsin.

Stay Connected to CSEFEL: sign up for our electronic updates

Pyramid Model

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CSEFEL: Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning

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The National Center for Effective Mental Health Consultation (CEMHC) addresses the needs of Early Head Start/Head Start (E/HS) staff and families for practical guidance on effective ways to promote young childrenís social and emotional development and reduce challenging behaviors.

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With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.

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In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances. Unmanaged or poorly managed ...

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Promoting Social-Emotional Development Through Preventing and Resolving Conflicts | VLS

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According to Joseph and Strain (2003), children must have the words to describe feelings before they can learn how to correctly perceive feelings in themselves and others. A beginning vocabulary may limit a child's emotional expression to words like "happy" or "mad" or "sad," and he or she can miss subtle gradations of in-between feelings because they do not have the labels and definitions for those emotions.

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Classroom management is on-going

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3. Put yourself in the right frame of mind. Most students who have emotional or behavioral problems want to be successful in school, but have trouble controlling themselves, focusing, and staying still. Avoid deeming them "attention seekers," or "slackers." Work on being as patient as possible.

12. Make time to take care of yourself. Find ways to de-stress on evenings and weekends so you can bring your "A game" to the classroom. You might be the take-a-hot-bath type or you might be the cross fit type - whatever works best for you.

Adapted from Red Flags, "Ways to Assist Students with Depression or Related Disorders."

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Tips for Teachers: Ways to Help Students Who Struggle with Emotions or Behavior

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3. Put yourself in the right frame of mind. Most students who have emotional or behavioral problems want to be successful in school, but have trouble controlling themselves, focusing, and staying still. Avoid deeming them "attention seekers," or "slackers." Work on being as patient as possible. 12.

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This site has ideas on positive classroom management.

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Additional key findings highlighted teachers' belief in positive approaches that emphasize social and emotional learning over punitive discipline:

Most teachers feel that educators can address even major threats to safety, such as gangs, fights, and student conflict, only by building positive relationships within the school.

Less than 45 percent of teachers said that suspensions are effective, while 80 percent said that classroom-management training, conflict resolution, guidance counseling, and mediation are effective for improving discipline.

But how do busy and often undersupported teachers go about building strong relationships with students and developing positive methods of conflict resolution? In the interest of igniting a dialog about what works in classroom management, we've gathered the following discipline tips from educators.

As with any series of principles for a complex topic, though, this is only a starting point. The end point, to the degree it can be reached at all, lies in your classrooms. We know that even strategies that work don't work all the time, and sometimes it feels like nothing works at all.

So now we want to hear from you. Let us know what you've tried that's worked, and when and how; what you've learned; and what you're still learning. Together, we can build a vision for a peaceful and effective 21st-century classroom.

Here are some tips for starters:

Agree on Classroom Rules at the Beginning of the Year

Taking time out for this simple step can prevent a lot of misery in the long term. Experienced educators suggest engaging students actively in the process of determining a set of class rules. Taking this preventative measure creates a positive climate from the start.

Check in with Students at the Start of Class

Even three minutes can make a difference. You can do this by asking questions, such as, "What do you want to get out of class today?" Teachers can weigh in with their goals for class, too.

"This is a chance for the teacher, while still maintaining control of a classroom, to share with students at their level," says Liz Sullivan, coauthor of the "Teachers Talk" report and education program director at the National Economic and Social Rights Initiative. "Have each kid give a short answer. It's a way to communicate with them. Making them feel like a part of the process sets a positive tone."

Be Consistent About Expectations

This can be the biggest challenge for individuals to address, but it's important to keep in mind that school staff should work together as much as possible to foster consistency in expectations, and discipline methods, throughout the school.

"Sometimes, staff inadvertently set up gaps," explains Nancy Franklin, a veteran educator with more than a decade of classroom experience who now provides training and support for the Los Angeles Unified School District's Positive Behavior Support policy. "Students may think, 'If I go to this teacher, I get this answer, but if I go to the principal, I get another answer.' It's like a kid who gets different answers from Mom and Dad."

Reinforce Appropriate Behavior

"When you are in a classroom with a teacher who reinforces positive behavior, kids calm down," says Franklin. "Think four positives to any corrective feedback."

Franklin argues that correcting students is the weakest way of teaching rules. "It's not about 'Gotcha -- you did it the wrong way; here's the right way,'" she says. "Students need to be able to trust you and feel safe. That enables them to experience emotional health and flourish."

Maintain Student Dignity

When corrections are necessary, experts suggest handling situations quietly and calmly. Don't make a big deal in front of the whole class.

"An approach to discipline that is respectful of human rights and maintains student dignity leads to a school that is inherently safe," says former teacher Sally Lee, coauthor of "Teachers Talk" and executive director of the New York City organization Teachers Unite. "A school in which students and teachers don't feel safe creates a fearful environment. And where there is a fearful environment, there are low expectations for discipline."

Be Neutral, Not Accusatory

When problems arise, don't ask, for example, ""Why did you take Sally's pencil?" This apporach often provokes defensive comebacks such as, "She was mean to me." Instead, ask what happened, opening the way for students to tell their story. Follow up with questions such as "How do you think that made Sally feel?"

Look for the Cause

It's a good idea to notice when students act out, educators advise. Does it happen only when the child is doing math or reading? Identifying when problems occur may help you recognize the reason.

Similarly, it's helpful to figure out what the underlying problem is. "If it's a skill deficit, a kid doesn't know how to behave," says Joseph Ryan, a special education researcher at Clemson University who has worked in schools for disabled children. "If it's a performance deficit, the kid knows what to do but needs motivation."

Establish a Fairness Committee

"Often, a person who is acting out wants to make amends for what they've done," says Josh Heisler, a teacher at New York City's Vanguard High School. "They won't feel right until they fix the problem."

Heisler's school set up a fairness committee of teachers and students that promotes a restorative approach, rather than a punitive one, to righting wrongs: Instead of directing offenders to the principal's office or threatening suspensions, teachers let them tell their side of the story to the committee and, hopefully, make amends. When the committee convenes, it asks students questions ranging from "What happened?" and "Who else has been affected?" to "What do you need to do now to repair the harm?"

Share Your Experience

What would you add to this list? Do you have specific examples of how you've achieved these goals -- or others? We want to know.

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How to Develop Positive Classroom Management | Edutopia

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A recent report found that educators believe that the secret to effective discipline is proactively building relationships, not reacting punitively to student misbehavior. But how do busy and often undersupported teachers go about building strong relationships with students and developing positive methods of conflict resolution?

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It provides strategies to resolve problems in the classroom and visual activities you can work with.

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It provides strategies to resolve problems in the classroom and visual activities you can work with.

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A great way to parent and an awesome way to teach. Teaches children social responsibility through natural consequences.

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Educator Resources & Classroom Solutions | Love & Logic®

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Educator resources, practical classroom solutions, positive techniques & strategies for maintaining calm & effective classes. Packages, CDs, MP3s, books & more!

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Toddlers regulate their behavior to avoid making adults angry

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Edutopia is a free source of information, inspiration, and practical strategies for learning and teaching in preK-12 education. We are published by the George Lucas Educational Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization.

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Make sure students understand that it's their misbehavior you dislike, not them. "I like you, Jason. Right now, your behavior is unacceptable.

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Make sure students understand that it's their misbehavior you dislike, not them. "I like you, Jason. Right now, your behavior is unacceptable.

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Teaching to find helpful solutions to hurtful situations.

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How many times have you wanted to turn back time and redo a difficult situation?. Now you can transform everyday conflict into teaching moments with the Conflict Resolution Time Machine. Teach children how to assertively handle name calling, teasing, pushing, distraction and other interpersonal conflicts with the fun graphics and simple steps provided on this helpful tool.

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https://www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/25-sure-fire-strategies-handling-difficult-students/

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Play the video and have the children sing to learn the concept.

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The Tattling Song | Music for Classroom Management

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different conflict styles will trigger different responses and require different strategies

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Conflict is normal

Conﬂict is a normal part of children's lives. Having different needs or wants, or wanting the same thing when only one is available, can easily lead children into conﬂict with one another. "She won't let me play," "He took my ...", "Tom's being mean!" are complaints that parents, carers and school staff often hear when children get into conﬂict and are unable to resolve it. Common ways that children respond to conﬂ ict include arguing and physical aggression, as well as more passive responses such as backing off and avoiding one another.

When conﬂict is poorly managed it can have a negative impact on children's relationships, on their self-esteem and on their learning. However, teaching children the skills for resolving conﬂict can help signiﬁ cantly. By learning to manage conﬂict effectively, children's skills for getting along with others can be improved. Children are much happier, have better friendships and are better learners at school when they know how to manage conﬂict well.

Different ways of responding to conflict

Since children have different needs and preferences, experiencing conﬂict with others is unavoidable. Many children (and adults) think of conﬂict as a competition that can only be decided by having a winner and a loser. The problem with thinking about conﬂict in this way is that it promotes win-lose behaviour: children who want to win try to dominate the other person; children who think they can't win try to avoid the conﬂict. This does not result in effective conﬂict resolution.

Win-lose approaches to conflict

Children may try to get their way in a conﬂict by using force. Some children give in to try to stop the conﬂict, while others try to avoid the situation altogether. These different styles are shown below. When introducing younger children to the different ways that conﬂicts can be handled, talking about the ways the animals included as examples below might deal with conﬂict can help their understanding. It introduces an element of fun and enjoyment.

Sometimes these approaches appear to work in the short-term, but they create other sets of problems. When children use force to win in a conﬂict it creates resentment and fear in others. Children who 'win' using this approach may develop a pattern of dominating and bullying others to get what they want. Children who tend to give in or avoid conﬂict may lack both conﬁdence and skills for appropriate assertive behaviour. They are more likely to be dominated or bullied by others and may feel anxious and negative about themselves.

It is possible instead to respond to conﬂict in positive ways that seek a fair outcome. Instead of being seen as a win-lose competition, conﬂict can be seen as an opportunity to build healthier and more respectful relationships through understanding the perspectives of others.

Win-some lose-some: Using compromise to resolve conflict

Adults have a signiﬁcant impact on how children deal with conﬂict. Often adults encourage children to deal with conﬂict by compromising. Compromising means that no-one wins or loses outright. Each person gets some of what they want and also gives up some of what they want. Many children learn how to compromise as they grow and ﬁnd ways to negotiate friendships. It is common around the middle of primary school for children to become very concerned with fairness and with rules as a way of ensuring fairness. This may correspond with an approach to resolving conﬂict that is based on compromise.

Win-win: Using cooperation to resolve conflict

Using a win-win approach means ﬁnding out more about the problem and looking together for creative solutions so that everyone can get what they want.

Skills required for effective conflict resolution

Effective conﬂict resolution requires children to apply a combination of well-developed social and emotional skills. These include skills for managing feelings, understanding others, communicating effectively and making decisions. Children need guidance and 'coaching' to learn these skills. Learning to use all the skills effectively in combination takes practice and maturity. However, with guidance children can begin to use a win-win model and gradually develop their abilities to resolve conﬂicts independently.

Use strategies to control strong feelings

Verbally express own thoughts and feelings

Identify and communicate thoughts and feelings

Identify the problem and express own needs

Talk about their own wants/needs/fears/concerns without demanding an immediate solution

Understand the other person's perspective

Listen to what the other person wants/needs

Understand the other person's fears/concerns

Understand without having to agree

Respond sensitively and appropriately

Generate a number of solutions to the problem

Think of a variety of options

Try to include the needs and concerns of everyone involved

Negotiate a win-win solution

Be ﬂexible

Be open-minded

Look after own needs as well as the other person's needs (be assertive)

Guiding children through the steps of conflict resolution

1. Set the stage for WIN-WIN outcomes

Conﬂict arises when people have different needs or views of a situation. Make it clear that you are going to help the children listen to each other's point of view and look for ways to solve the problem that everyone can agree to.

Ask, "What's the problem here?" Be sure to get both sides of the story (eg "He won't let me have a turn" from one child, and "I only just started and it's my game," from another).

Say, I'm sure if we talk this through we'll be able to sort it out so that everyone is happy."

2. Have children state their own needs and concerns

The aim is to ﬁnd out how each child sees the problem. Help children identify and communicate their needs and concerns without judging or blaming.

Ask, "What do you want or need? What are you most concerned about?"

3. Help children listen to the other person and understand their needs and concerns

In the heat of conﬂict it can be difﬁcult to understand that the other person has feelings and needs too. Listening to the other person helps to reduce the conﬂict and allows children to think of the problem as something they can solve together.

Ask, "So you want to have a turn at this game now because it's nearly time to go home? And you want to keep playing to see if you can get to the next level?"

Show children that you understand both points of view: "I can understand why you want to get your turn. I can see why you don't want to stop now."

4. Help children think of different ways to solve the problem

Often children who get into conﬂict can only think of one solution. Getting them to think of creative ways for solving the conﬂict encourages them to come up with new solutions that no-one thought of before. Ask them to let the ideas ﬂow and think of as many options as they can, without judging any of them.

Encourage them: "Let's think of at least three things we could do to solve this problem."

5. Build win-win solutions

Help children sort through the list of options you have come up with together and choose those that appear to meet everybody's needs. Sometimes a combination of the options they have thought of will work best. Together, you can help them build a solution that everyone agrees to.

Ask: Which solution do you think can work? Which option can we make work together?

6. Put the solution into action and see how it works

Make sure that children understand what they have agreed to and what this means in practice.

Say, "Okay, so this is what we've agreed. Tom, you're going to show Wendy how to play the game, then Wendy, you're going to have a try, and I'm going to let you know when 15 minutes is up."

Key points for helping children resolve conﬂict

The ways that adults respond to children's conﬂicts have powerful effects on their behaviour and skill development. Until they have developed their own skills for managing conﬂict effectively most children will need very speciﬁc adult guidance to help them reach a good resolution. Parents, carers and teaching staff can help children in sorting out conflict together, by seeing conﬂict as a shared problem that can be solved by understanding both points of view and ﬁnding a solution that everyone is happy with.

Guide and coach

When adults impose a solution on children it may solve the conﬂict in the short term, but it can leave children feeling that their wishes have not been taken into account. Coaching children through the conﬂict resolution steps helps them feel involved. It shows them how effective conﬂict resolution can work so that they can start to build their own skills.

Listen to all sides without judging

To learn the skills for effective conﬂict resolution children need to be able to acknowledge their own point of view and listen to others' views without fearing that they will be blamed or judged. Being heard encourages children to hear and understand what others have to say and how they feel, and helps them to learn to value others.

Support children to work through strong feelings

Conﬂict often generates strong feelings such as anger or anxiety. These feelings can get in the way of being able to think through conﬂicts fairly and reasonably. Acknowledge children's feelings and help them to manage them. It may be necessary to help children calm down before trying to resolve the conﬂict.

Remember

Praise children for ﬁnding a solution and carrying it out.

If an agreed solution doesn't work out the ﬁrst time, go through the steps again to understand the needs and concerns and ﬁnd a different solution.

The information in this resource is based on Wertheim, E., Love, A., Peck, C. & Littlefield, L. (2006). Skills for resolving conflict (2nd Edition). Melbourne: Eruditions Publishing.

See also:
Resolving conflict: Suggestions for families Resolving conflict: Suggestions for schools and early childhood services Resolving conflict: Further resources

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KidsMatter was developed by mental health professionals and education and childcare staff in response to the high rates of school-age children with mental health difficulties and the problems they face getting help. It is is a partnership between education and health sectors and is funded by the Australian Government and beyondblue.

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Social/Emotional Curriculum

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Harmony SEL is a social and emotional learning program for Pre-K-6 grade students, accessible online and at no cost. Harmony fosters knowledge, skills, and attitudes boys and girls need to develop healthy identities, create meaningful relationships, and engage productively by providing SEL learning resources, tools, and strategies.

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Social Emotional Learning (SEL) Program, Activities & Curriculum - Harmony

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Harmony SEL is a social and emotional learning program for Pre-K-6 grade students, accessible online and at no cost. Harmony fosters knowledge, skills, and attitudes boys and girls need to develop healthy identities, create meaningful relationships, and engage productively by providing SEL learning resources, tools, and strategies.

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Kenneth Kaye once said, "Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital."

Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I've found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations. But running from conflict will not serve anyone well. Ultimately, the elephant in the room only grows or becomes much more unwieldy.

The implications of shunning confrontation range from a breakdown of communication and damaged relationships to lowered organizational productivity and morale. Here are some questions to consider when evaluating your ability to effectively confront employees during times of conflict. Be sure to write down your answers:

* On a scale of 1-5, how comfortable are you with having tough conversations?

* What is your go-to method for handling conflict with employees? E-mail, phone, face-to-face or other?

* Is it hard for you to manage your emotions effectively when talking about a challenging or fear-inducing situation?

* How do you create an open dialogue with your team, regardless of difficult circumstances?

* How do you exhibit poise and self-control in the presence of confrontations?

* How comfortable are you with giving what might be perceived as negative feedback?

If your answers to the above are less than appealing, the following tips can guide you to build a healthy workplace culture that faces confrontation at the right time with courage and confidence:

1. Identify the opportunity. Shift the lens through which you view conflict. By adopting a positive outlook on confrontation, you'll discover that every conflict is a new opportunity for both the other party and you to grow, develop and learn. After all, if you have tended to avoid conflict, the underlying topics and details are likely things that you have rarely, if ever, discussed, representing growth opportunities and innovative approaches you have yet to uncover.

2. Build a culture that encourages giving and receiving feedback. Ask your team for their frequent, healthy feedback, and you will begin to show boldness and encourage transparency through your example. Allowing unpleasant truths to trickle out gradually fosters a sense of camaraderie and understanding within your organization, in turn reducing the risk of future conflict. What's more, creating honest dialogue lets your employees know their opinions are valued, raising their level of engagement. Finally, when confrontations do arise, they will feel far more inclined to receive your concerns with an open mind and an appreciation of your opinion instead of reflexively thinking the sky is falling.

3. Be proactive, but resist jumping to conclusions. Prevent problematic behavior from escalating beyond repair by taking swift action, but do not jump to conclusions before reaching a full understanding of the situation. Assume positive intent to immediately activate a spirit that diffuses the situation. Another way to be proactive is to measure your words to avoid being the source of conflict in the first place. Saying, "I need to see you in my office at 3 p.m." has the potential to spiral reactions that "Can we prioritize the risks on your project in my office at 3 p.m.?" would otherwise sidestep.

4. Do not use e-mail for conflict. If e-mail is your go-to to manage conflict, it is time to get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Let your level of fear be your compass. The more emotion you are feeling, the more the situation is likely to be faced in person. If you don't, you are subjecting yourself to the gravitational forces that pull these types of situations southward. Effective conflict management will require real-time awareness of the facts and your undivided attention.

5. Engage productively using storytelling. Before any confrontation, consider that the other person may be right from the beginning and question your own opinion. When you do present your concerns, start with storytelling if you can, rather than headlining with any abrupt, premature summaries of your stance on the matter(s) at hand. We experience our lives through stories, which are entertaining and engaging. Make your case and then create space for the other person to process and respond to you, and truly listen to them.
Using Humor To Alleviate The Burden Of Confrontation
Here's an example conflict of a peer ignoring your emails or requests. Say you have an eight-year-old named Janet.

You: "You know, it's hilarious that lately when I call Janet in the other room, I can holler four or five times, and no answer."

Peer: "You, too, huh? Yeah, no one is exempt."

You: "But if I yell something like 'Hey, it's time for ice cream!' she'll break furniture and run over the dog to get to me."

Peer: (laughing) "As I said, no one is exempt."

You: "I think I'm going to start sending you e-mails about ice cream."

Now it's all in the delivery, and every relationship requires its own special touch, but humor and storytelling, like in the example above, are much more effective than just sending an instant message or e-mail. Wouldn't that be ironic saying, "Why don't you answer any of my e-mails?"

By being fully accountable to the demands of leadership, and committing yourself to the above steps, almost every confrontation you have can be redirected toward a productive outcome. Those former self-doubts and insecurities that hindered your ability to face conflict will be replaced with confident, courageous resolve and an understanding of the healthy dynamics that can move your business forward faster than you ever thought possible.

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Kenneth Kaye once said, "Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital." Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I've found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations.

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A great resource learning about how our bodies and emotions can regulate and stay calm and attentive.

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Teach Kids to Manage Big Feelings Through Effective Social Emotional Learning

Over 80% of U.S. public schools reported in 2022 on the negative impact of the pandemic on child well-being and self-regulation. Kids are:

Struggling to manage their feelings and mental health

More disruptive in the classroom

Needing additional social, emotional, and behavioral support

(source: National Center for Education Statistics)

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The Zones of Regulation is a complete social-emotional learning curriculum, created to teach children self-regulation and emotional control.

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I've always considered myself non-confrontational and have done my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I've discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I'm primarily a "walk away" or "go play with somebody else" conflict resolver. And, perhaps because I try to "use kind words and a friendly voice" most of the time, I'm able to steer clear of many conflict situations. I know that my technique is not always the best way to resolve conflicts, nor has it worked in every situation, so I've learned to "talk together & work it out" with people in my life who are important to me. Because people aren't perfect and relationships are messy, we all need to learn how to better resolve conflicts.
What about your kids? How do they resolve conflicts? What kind of conflict resolver are you?
Over my thirty years at camp, I've noticed that kids have become less and less adept at solving their problems and conflicts. They are quick to involve adults and call other kids names ( "bully" is a favorite).

I think they've become so accustomed to constant adult supervision that they are prone to seek it immediately, especially when they're in an uncomfortable situation. There's nothing wrong with seeking direction, especially when adult intervention is needed, but I want to be sure our counselors this summer are armed with good skills for giving campers guidance on conflict resolution, rather than just providing kids with the solution itself. All too often, we parents tend to rescue our kids from conflict; at camp, kids have a great opportunity to learn to solve such challenges on their own. One of our goals, then, is to prepare counselors to teach campers conflict resolution strategies, which the kids can use in similar situations at home (like with their siblings!).

Resolving conflicts is one of several social skills kids need to thrive in relationships - and in life! Want to learn about more of the skills kids need? Sign up for my weekly email, and I'll send you a free copy of my eBook 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs!

5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

Give everyone a chance to take a breather from each other. Ask them each what they need to do to calm down. The "wheel" offers some good choices, like walking away and taking a break for a few minutes, counting to 10 (or 100!), or writing down some feelings. In any case, nothing coherent will come from trying to lead a discussion with upset, emotionally fragile kids. So ask them to figure out the best way to calm down before attempting to solve the problem.

Once calm has prevailed, talk to each child (either together or separately, depending on the circumstances) and help them state their problem. Stress the importance of being honest and admitting their role in the conflict (most problems are shared). Encourage them to use "I" statements to express their feelings. For example, "I felt left out and hurt because he wouldn't let me play the card game, so I threw his towel to annoy him."

"A good apology will communicate three things: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Apologizing for a mistake might seem difficult, but it will help you repair and improve your relationships with others." http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize
* Use the words, "I'm sorry."
* Acknowledge exactly how you messed up. (As in, "I used unkind words that hurt you.")
* Tell the person how you'll fix the situation.
* Promise to behave better next time.
* Ask for forgiveness.
Encourage each child (or only one, depending on the circumstances) to come up with a good apology. Writing it down before they say it can be a good start, and that letter can be given to the child with whom they're in conflict. Or, with a younger child, take some notes that they can then use as they apologize. I found a great list of what makes a "good apology," so it's best if the child can include all of these parts:

Bad apologies, on the other hand, tend to suffer from these four shortcomings: Justifying words or behavior; Blaming the victim; Making excuses; Minimizing the consequences. ("It was just a joke!")

Empower children to brainstorm solutions to their conflict. It's so tempting as an all-knowing adult to generate solutions, but something the kids think up and agree upon on their own will more likely work. Encourage each child to listen carefully and to accurately paraphrase each other. Encourage them to speak to each other (not you) and to speak honestly and kindly. (For a sample dialogue format, see Coaching Children in Handling Everyday Conflicts).

FOLLOW UP

Follow up with the children to see how they are getting along and if the solution they came up with is working. But if the "talk together/work it out" strategy isn't working for this pair, it's best to suggest my go-to strategy: find someone else to hang out with. Even if the kids appear to need a prolonged break from one another, they will still be required to speak in a kind and respectful way when they are interacting.
And some additional resources: Coaching Children in Handling Everyday Conflicts
As I wrote this post, I realized that any time I used the word "kid" or "child," I could easily have used the word "person." Learning these conflict resolution techniques, and even using the "wheel" and its options, could help a lot of us adults, don't you think?

Want your own Conflict Resolution Wheel? Download it here!

P.S. I didn't have anywhere to fit this in the post, but I just loved this "How Big is My Problem" poster, which you can order through Teachers Pay Teachers. How often do kids (and adults) communicate a "glitch" or "little problem" as if it's a "gigantic problem" or an "emergency"? Wouldn't it be great if we all agreed to keep the same problem scale? We could walk into our co-worker's office and say, "I've got #2 problem today. Can you help me?"

If you enjoy reading Sunshine Parenting, please subscribe to get an email update each time I post (use box in column on the right), or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest for links to other articles and ideas about camp and parenting. Thank you for reading, and have a happy day with your kids!

Want to read more about conflict resolution and social skills?
Here are some related Sunshine Parenting Posts:
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
More Than "I'm Sorry" - Teaching Kids to Apologize Well
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Making Friends: 3 Communication Skills Your Child Needs
Making Friends: Managing Difficult Emotions
Making Friends: Developing Emotional Intelligence

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5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts - Sunshine Parenting

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I've always considered myself non-confrontational and have done my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I've discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I'm primarily a "walk away" or "go play with somebody else" conflict resolver.

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Kenneth Kaye once said, "Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital."

Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I've found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations. But running from conflict will not serve anyone well. Ultimately, the elephant in the room only grows or becomes much more unwieldy.

The implications of shunning confrontation range from a breakdown of communication and damaged relationships to lowered organizational productivity and morale. Here are some questions to consider when evaluating your ability to effectively confront employees during times of conflict. Be sure to write down your answers:

* On a scale of 1-5, how comfortable are you with having tough conversations?

* What is your go-to method for handling conflict with employees? E-mail, phone, face-to-face or other?

* Is it hard for you to manage your emotions effectively when talking about a challenging or fear-inducing situation?

* How do you create an open dialogue with your team, regardless of difficult circumstances?

* How do you exhibit poise and self-control in the presence of confrontations?

* How comfortable are you with giving what might be perceived as negative feedback?

If your answers to the above are less than appealing, the following tips can guide you to build a healthy workplace culture that faces confrontation at the right time with courage and confidence:

1. Identify the opportunity. Shift the lens through which you view conflict. By adopting a positive outlook on confrontation, you'll discover that every conflict is a new opportunity for both the other party and you to grow, develop and learn. After all, if you have tended to avoid conflict, the underlying topics and details are likely things that you have rarely, if ever, discussed, representing growth opportunities and innovative approaches you have yet to uncover.

2. Build a culture that encourages giving and receiving feedback. Ask your team for their frequent, healthy feedback, and you will begin to show boldness and encourage transparency through your example. Allowing unpleasant truths to trickle out gradually fosters a sense of camaraderie and understanding within your organization, in turn reducing the risk of future conflict. What's more, creating honest dialogue lets your employees know their opinions are valued, raising their level of engagement. Finally, when confrontations do arise, they will feel far more inclined to receive your concerns with an open mind and an appreciation of your opinion instead of reflexively thinking the sky is falling.

3. Be proactive, but resist jumping to conclusions. Prevent problematic behavior from escalating beyond repair by taking swift action, but do not jump to conclusions before reaching a full understanding of the situation. Assume positive intent to immediately activate a spirit that diffuses the situation. Another way to be proactive is to measure your words to avoid being the source of conflict in the first place. Saying, "I need to see you in my office at 3 p.m." has the potential to spiral reactions that "Can we prioritize the risks on your project in my office at 3 p.m.?" would otherwise sidestep.

4. Do not use e-mail for conflict. If e-mail is your go-to to manage conflict, it is time to get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Let your level of fear be your compass. The more emotion you are feeling, the more the situation is likely to be faced in person. If you don't, you are subjecting yourself to the gravitational forces that pull these types of situations southward. Effective conflict management will require real-time awareness of the facts and your undivided attention.

5. Engage productively using storytelling. Before any confrontation, consider that the other person may be right from the beginning and question your own opinion. When you do present your concerns, start with storytelling if you can, rather than headlining with any abrupt, premature summaries of your stance on the matter(s) at hand. We experience our lives through stories, which are entertaining and engaging. Make your case and then create space for the other person to process and respond to you, and truly listen to them.
Using Humor To Alleviate The Burden Of Confrontation
Here's an example conflict of a peer ignoring your emails or requests. Say you have an eight-year-old named Janet.

You: "You know, it's hilarious that lately when I call Janet in the other room, I can holler four or five times, and no answer."

Peer: "You, too, huh? Yeah, no one is exempt."

You: "But if I yell something like 'Hey, it's time for ice cream!' she'll break furniture and run over the dog to get to me."

Peer: (laughing) "As I said, no one is exempt."

You: "I think I'm going to start sending you e-mails about ice cream."

Now it's all in the delivery, and every relationship requires its own special touch, but humor and storytelling, like in the example above, are much more effective than just sending an instant message or e-mail. Wouldn't that be ironic saying, "Why don't you answer any of my e-mails?"

By being fully accountable to the demands of leadership, and committing yourself to the above steps, almost every confrontation you have can be redirected toward a productive outcome. Those former self-doubts and insecurities that hindered your ability to face conflict will be replaced with confident, courageous resolve and an understanding of the healthy dynamics that can move your business forward faster than you ever thought possible.

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Kenneth Kaye once said, "Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital." Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I've found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations.

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Guiding Children Through Conflict Resolution

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Guiding Children Through Conflict Resolution

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Conflict is normal

Conﬂict is a normal part of children's lives. Having different needs or wants, or wanting the same thing when only one is available, can easily lead children into conﬂict with one another. "She won't let me play," "He took my ...", "Tom's being mean!" are complaints that parents, carers and school staff often hear when children get into conﬂict and are unable to resolve it. Common ways that children respond to conﬂ ict include arguing and physical aggression, as well as more passive responses such as backing off and avoiding one another.

When conﬂict is poorly managed it can have a negative impact on children's relationships, on their self-esteem and on their learning. However, teaching children the skills for resolving conﬂict can help signiﬁ cantly. By learning to manage conﬂict effectively, children's skills for getting along with others can be improved. Children are much happier, have better friendships and are better learners at school when they know how to manage conﬂict well.

Different ways of responding to conflict

Since children have different needs and preferences, experiencing conﬂict with others is unavoidable. Many children (and adults) think of conﬂict as a competition that can only be decided by having a winner and a loser. The problem with thinking about conﬂict in this way is that it promotes win-lose behaviour: children who want to win try to dominate the other person; children who think they can't win try to avoid the conﬂict. This does not result in effective conﬂict resolution.

Win-lose approaches to conflict

Children may try to get their way in a conﬂict by using force. Some children give in to try to stop the conﬂict, while others try to avoid the situation altogether. These different styles are shown below. When introducing younger children to the different ways that conﬂicts can be handled, talking about the ways the animals included as examples below might deal with conﬂict can help their understanding. It introduces an element of fun and enjoyment.

Sometimes these approaches appear to work in the short-term, but they create other sets of problems. When children use force to win in a conﬂict it creates resentment and fear in others. Children who 'win' using this approach may develop a pattern of dominating and bullying others to get what they want. Children who tend to give in or avoid conﬂict may lack both conﬁdence and skills for appropriate assertive behaviour. They are more likely to be dominated or bullied by others and may feel anxious and negative about themselves.

It is possible instead to respond to conﬂict in positive ways that seek a fair outcome. Instead of being seen as a win-lose competition, conﬂict can be seen as an opportunity to build healthier and more respectful relationships through understanding the perspectives of others.

Win-some lose-some: Using compromise to resolve conflict

Adults have a signiﬁcant impact on how children deal with conﬂict. Often adults encourage children to deal with conﬂict by compromising. Compromising means that no-one wins or loses outright. Each person gets some of what they want and also gives up some of what they want. Many children learn how to compromise as they grow and ﬁnd ways to negotiate friendships. It is common around the middle of primary school for children to become very concerned with fairness and with rules as a way of ensuring fairness. This may correspond with an approach to resolving conﬂict that is based on compromise.

Win-win: Using cooperation to resolve conflict

Using a win-win approach means ﬁnding out more about the problem and looking together for creative solutions so that everyone can get what they want.

Skills required for effective conflict resolution

Effective conﬂict resolution requires children to apply a combination of well-developed social and emotional skills. These include skills for managing feelings, understanding others, communicating effectively and making decisions. Children need guidance and 'coaching' to learn these skills. Learning to use all the skills effectively in combination takes practice and maturity. However, with guidance children can begin to use a win-win model and gradually develop their abilities to resolve conﬂicts independently.

Use strategies to control strong feelings

Verbally express own thoughts and feelings

Identify and communicate thoughts and feelings

Identify the problem and express own needs

Talk about their own wants/needs/fears/concerns without demanding an immediate solution

Understand the other person's perspective

Listen to what the other person wants/needs

Understand the other person's fears/concerns

Understand without having to agree

Respond sensitively and appropriately

Generate a number of solutions to the problem

Think of a variety of options

Try to include the needs and concerns of everyone involved

Negotiate a win-win solution

Be ﬂexible

Be open-minded

Look after own needs as well as the other person's needs (be assertive)

Guiding children through the steps of conflict resolution

1. Set the stage for WIN-WIN outcomes

Conﬂict arises when people have different needs or views of a situation. Make it clear that you are going to help the children listen to each other's point of view and look for ways to solve the problem that everyone can agree to.

Ask, "What's the problem here?" Be sure to get both sides of the story (eg "He won't let me have a turn" from one child, and "I only just started and it's my game," from another).

Say, I'm sure if we talk this through we'll be able to sort it out so that everyone is happy."

2. Have children state their own needs and concerns

The aim is to ﬁnd out how each child sees the problem. Help children identify and communicate their needs and concerns without judging or blaming.

Ask, "What do you want or need? What are you most concerned about?"

3. Help children listen to the other person and understand their needs and concerns

In the heat of conﬂict it can be difﬁcult to understand that the other person has feelings and needs too. Listening to the other person helps to reduce the conﬂict and allows children to think of the problem as something they can solve together.

Ask, "So you want to have a turn at this game now because it's nearly time to go home? And you want to keep playing to see if you can get to the next level?"

Show children that you understand both points of view: "I can understand why you want to get your turn. I can see why you don't want to stop now."

4. Help children think of different ways to solve the problem

Often children who get into conﬂict can only think of one solution. Getting them to think of creative ways for solving the conﬂict encourages them to come up with new solutions that no-one thought of before. Ask them to let the ideas ﬂow and think of as many options as they can, without judging any of them.

Encourage them: "Let's think of at least three things we could do to solve this problem."

5. Build win-win solutions

Help children sort through the list of options you have come up with together and choose those that appear to meet everybody's needs. Sometimes a combination of the options they have thought of will work best. Together, you can help them build a solution that everyone agrees to.

Ask: Which solution do you think can work? Which option can we make work together?

6. Put the solution into action and see how it works

Make sure that children understand what they have agreed to and what this means in practice.

Say, "Okay, so this is what we've agreed. Tom, you're going to show Wendy how to play the game, then Wendy, you're going to have a try, and I'm going to let you know when 15 minutes is up."

Key points for helping children resolve conﬂict

The ways that adults respond to children's conﬂicts have powerful effects on their behaviour and skill development. Until they have developed their own skills for managing conﬂict effectively most children will need very speciﬁc adult guidance to help them reach a good resolution. Parents, carers and teaching staff can help children in sorting out conflict together, by seeing conﬂict as a shared problem that can be solved by understanding both points of view and ﬁnding a solution that everyone is happy with.

Guide and coach

When adults impose a solution on children it may solve the conﬂict in the short term, but it can leave children feeling that their wishes have not been taken into account. Coaching children through the conﬂict resolution steps helps them feel involved. It shows them how effective conﬂict resolution can work so that they can start to build their own skills.

Listen to all sides without judging

To learn the skills for effective conﬂict resolution children need to be able to acknowledge their own point of view and listen to others' views without fearing that they will be blamed or judged. Being heard encourages children to hear and understand what others have to say and how they feel, and helps them to learn to value others.

Support children to work through strong feelings

Conﬂict often generates strong feelings such as anger or anxiety. These feelings can get in the way of being able to think through conﬂicts fairly and reasonably. Acknowledge children's feelings and help them to manage them. It may be necessary to help children calm down before trying to resolve the conﬂict.

Remember

Praise children for ﬁnding a solution and carrying it out.

If an agreed solution doesn't work out the ﬁrst time, go through the steps again to understand the needs and concerns and ﬁnd a different solution.

The information in this resource is based on Wertheim, E., Love, A., Peck, C. & Littlefield, L. (2006). Skills for resolving conflict (2nd Edition). Melbourne: Eruditions Publishing.

See also:
Resolving conflict: Suggestions for families Resolving conflict: Suggestions for schools and early childhood services Resolving conflict: Further resources

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KidsMatter was developed by mental health professionals and education and childcare staff in response to the high rates of school-age children with mental health difficulties and the problems they face getting help. It is is a partnership between education and health sectors and is funded by the Australian Government and beyondblue.

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Help the children to judge the level of the conflict and the steps

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I've always considered myself non-confrontational and have done my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I've discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I'm primarily a "walk away" or "go play with somebody else" conflict resolver. And, perhaps because I try to "use kind words and a friendly voice" most of the time, I'm able to steer clear of many conflict situations. I know that my technique is not always the best way to resolve conflicts, nor has it worked in every situation, so I've learned to "talk together & work it out" with people in my life who are important to me. Because people aren't perfect and relationships are messy, we all need to learn how to better resolve conflicts.
What about your kids? How do they resolve conflicts? What kind of conflict resolver are you?
Over my thirty years at camp, I've noticed that kids have become less and less adept at solving their problems and conflicts. They are quick to involve adults and call other kids names ( "bully" is a favorite).

I think they've become so accustomed to constant adult supervision that they are prone to seek it immediately, especially when they're in an uncomfortable situation. There's nothing wrong with seeking direction, especially when adult intervention is needed, but I want to be sure our counselors this summer are armed with good skills for giving campers guidance on conflict resolution, rather than just providing kids with the solution itself. All too often, we parents tend to rescue our kids from conflict; at camp, kids have a great opportunity to learn to solve such challenges on their own. One of our goals, then, is to prepare counselors to teach campers conflict resolution strategies, which the kids can use in similar situations at home (like with their siblings!).

Resolving conflicts is one of several social skills kids need to thrive in relationships - and in life! Want to learn about more of the skills kids need? Sign up for my weekly email, and I'll send you a free copy of my eBook 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs!

5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

Give everyone a chance to take a breather from each other. Ask them each what they need to do to calm down. The "wheel" offers some good choices, like walking away and taking a break for a few minutes, counting to 10 (or 100!), or writing down some feelings. In any case, nothing coherent will come from trying to lead a discussion with upset, emotionally fragile kids. So ask them to figure out the best way to calm down before attempting to solve the problem.

Once calm has prevailed, talk to each child (either together or separately, depending on the circumstances) and help them state their problem. Stress the importance of being honest and admitting their role in the conflict (most problems are shared). Encourage them to use "I" statements to express their feelings. For example, "I felt left out and hurt because he wouldn't let me play the card game, so I threw his towel to annoy him."

"A good apology will communicate three things: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Apologizing for a mistake might seem difficult, but it will help you repair and improve your relationships with others." http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize
* Use the words, "I'm sorry."
* Acknowledge exactly how you messed up. (As in, "I used unkind words that hurt you.")
* Tell the person how you'll fix the situation.
* Promise to behave better next time.
* Ask for forgiveness.
Encourage each child (or only one, depending on the circumstances) to come up with a good apology. Writing it down before they say it can be a good start, and that letter can be given to the child with whom they're in conflict. Or, with a younger child, take some notes that they can then use as they apologize. I found a great list of what makes a "good apology," so it's best if the child can include all of these parts:

Bad apologies, on the other hand, tend to suffer from these four shortcomings: Justifying words or behavior; Blaming the victim; Making excuses; Minimizing the consequences. ("It was just a joke!")

Empower children to brainstorm solutions to their conflict. It's so tempting as an all-knowing adult to generate solutions, but something the kids think up and agree upon on their own will more likely work. Encourage each child to listen carefully and to accurately paraphrase each other. Encourage them to speak to each other (not you) and to speak honestly and kindly. (For a sample dialogue format, see Coaching Children in Handling Everyday Conflicts).

FOLLOW UP

Follow up with the children to see how they are getting along and if the solution they came up with is working. But if the "talk together/work it out" strategy isn't working for this pair, it's best to suggest my go-to strategy: find someone else to hang out with. Even if the kids appear to need a prolonged break from one another, they will still be required to speak in a kind and respectful way when they are interacting.
And some additional resources: Coaching Children in Handling Everyday Conflicts
As I wrote this post, I realized that any time I used the word "kid" or "child," I could easily have used the word "person." Learning these conflict resolution techniques, and even using the "wheel" and its options, could help a lot of us adults, don't you think?

Want your own Conflict Resolution Wheel? Download it here!

P.S. I didn't have anywhere to fit this in the post, but I just loved this "How Big is My Problem" poster, which you can order through Teachers Pay Teachers. How often do kids (and adults) communicate a "glitch" or "little problem" as if it's a "gigantic problem" or an "emergency"? Wouldn't it be great if we all agreed to keep the same problem scale? We could walk into our co-worker's office and say, "I've got #2 problem today. Can you help me?"

If you enjoy reading Sunshine Parenting, please subscribe to get an email update each time I post (use box in column on the right), or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest for links to other articles and ideas about camp and parenting. Thank you for reading, and have a happy day with your kids!

Want to read more about conflict resolution and social skills?
Here are some related Sunshine Parenting Posts:
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
More Than "I'm Sorry" - Teaching Kids to Apologize Well
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Making Friends: 3 Communication Skills Your Child Needs
Making Friends: Managing Difficult Emotions
Making Friends: Developing Emotional Intelligence

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5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts - Sunshine Parenting

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I've always considered myself non-confrontational and have done my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I've discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I'm primarily a "walk away" or "go play with somebody else" conflict resolver.