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Tama ba na ipaglaban pa kung ang kapalit ay isang mabuting pagkakaibigan?

Tama ba na ika'y piliin kahit na ang bukas ay walang kasiguraduhan?

Tama bang pagmasdan kita at minsa'y idikit ang balikat ko sa iyo?

Tama ba, ian, na ikaw ang piliin ko?

Malinaw ang kasagutan, alam ko namang mas matimbang siya kaysa sa iyo

Hindi ko kayang bitawan ang isang taong naging malaking parte ng buhay ko

Ang taong umalalay, umakay, nagpasaya, nagbigay kulay sa buhay ko

Pero, ian, bakit parang mali padin na hindi ikaw ang piliin ko?

Bakit kahit na malinaw ang kasagutan ay hindi ko magawa?

Bakit kahit na alam ko ang tamang gagawin ay ikaw pa rin ang nasa isip ko?

Bakit ba hindi kita kayang bitawan nang ganun kadali?

Bakit, sa kaloob-looban ng puso ko, ikaw ang siyang gustong piliin ko?

Para akong traydor

Para akong siraulo

Ngunit, iniibig kita

Bitawan ka'y di ko magawa

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan aabutin ang pagtitiis na ito

Ngunit ang tanging alam ko, sa ngayon, ay lubos kitang hinahangaan

Nais kitang makita, miss na miss na kita

Ang puso ko ay para sa iyo

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Tunay nga talagang may mga taong bigla na lang natin makikilala

Hindi ko naman alam ang pangalan mo noon eh, oo kilala mo ako pero wala akong pakealam sa kung sino ka

At nabuhay naman ako, masaya, matiwasay, tuloy tuloy

Ngunit sa sandaling hinila mo ako ay nagbago na ang mundo

Hindi ko inakala na magiging isa ako sa mahabang listahan ng mga taong nabighani

At naiintindihan ko din naman kung bakit ganoon ang nangyari

Pero kahit na may masidhing takot at pag-aalinlangan, nakikita ko ang sarili ko, unti-unting bumubukas para sa posibilidad na

baka nga, pwede?

At kahit na alam kong tila tala ang aking hinahangad ay nakangiti parin akong magmamasid gabi-gabi

Kahit na ang bituin na iyon ay kailanma’y di maaabot

Ang iyong kagandahan ay sapat na upang bigyang liwanag ang buhay

Kasama ng buwan na nakangiti din sa akin

Kasama ng malamig na simoy ng hangin na yumayakap sa bawat parte ng pagkatao

Alam nila, na sapat na, ang kung anong mayroon tayo

At kung dumating man ang oras na ako’y iyong muling hinila papalapit sa iyo

Ay hindi na kakawala at tatakbo

Sapagkat ang buhay na puno ng liwanag kahit na nababalot ng kadiliman

Ay isang buhay na nais kong ipaglaban at takbuhan

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There really be those times where even the smallest of things remind me of you

Especially whenever I notice that small parts of me were intricately crafted

How your soul resembles the deepest sea

And the waves occur just like how I come rushing back to that intoxicating feeling that I’ve known for years

But, I can confidently say, that although you visit my dreams every now and then

All of it remains solely as a memory hold close

And when my coffee spills for the tenth time today, it will kiss my white tshirt and mark traces

Just like how u did to me

Wala na talaga, tapos na

Sana sa susunod na pagkakataon na tayo’y muling magkaharap, ay magawa kong ibalik ang ngiti na sumasalamin sa pagkatao mong tila tala

Wala na talaga, tapos na

Hindi na kita minamahal. Ngunit salamat sa anim na taon na pagsasama

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If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?

What we have was too much of a risk, so big that I almost didn't do it; so big that I knew it would change us forever; and yet, while knowing what could happen, I closed my eyes and gave it up to fate. What will I do when my love for life runs dry? If you were my only source of light, the only one who quenches the thirst, the sole person who brings hope to a dry, pointless life, what will I do when I lose you?

No matter how big galaxies are, or how far the universe expands, I'd rather stay beside you on a comfy couch. Though it might not compare to the thrill of riding a magic broom on a cold endless space, your arms are enough to bring me to another place. I would love to spend more days with you, and even offer you the last of my breath, however, now that you're gone, for whom my sighs will be?

I knew it would end us, but still I was hard-headed, because you know what? In this world where I will never be able to hold your hand, I'd rather risk my whole life just for the chance to spend all my days with you. I lost, I failed, I was defeated, but I tried the impossible because I know for sure, staying as friends would kill me more, not being able to tell you how much I love you would be a painful death.

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What did I do to deserve everything you do to me?

How much did I hurt you? How much did I make you feel bad? uncomfortable? weird?

How do you manage to sleep at night knowing you insulted me, said bad things to me, teased me in a way that makes me have tears on the corner of my eyes?

How much do you hate me?

I did everything to love you in the way that I can, in the way that I know, even tried to learn ways on how to love you more.

I just like you that much, I know it's not your fault nor your obligation

But did I really deserve that just for feeling natural human emotions?

Did you really hate the way that i talk?

Did you really hate the way i laugh?

The way i play? the way i enjoy memes? the way i do things?

Or do you just hate it because I'm the one doing it?

I cannot grasp the thought unto why you're being so indifferent.

How can you be caring and sweet to everyone but treat me like shit everyday?

Why is it you never waved at me goodbye? Nor even acknowledge my presence?

Why do you need to embarrass me in front of your friends by ignoring me when I just tried to say "hi"?

Do you know how hurt I get when you don't even try to look at me when you leave?

Why did you laugh when your friends were talking shit about me?

Why did you tell those words about me and my appearance?

Why did you do all of those?

How mad are you? Why can't you just admit those words to me?

If only you told me, so that I am not stupidly waiting and hoping for us to be friends again just like the way we were when we're younger

You should've told me that you don't want anything to do with me anymore.

You should've told your games to your other girl friends

You should've teach them instead

You should've done all of those to them, not me

So that I'm not here stupidly assuming that we're okay, that everything's okay

Did you lose all the respect you have for me already?

Are you just using me for convenience at this point?

Am I just stroking your ego that's why you're still here?

Do you just like the attention I give and not the presence of me?

It's not a mistake that I liked you, I loved every single moment of it

And I tried my best to be the version of myself that you can tolerate and adore

Even without knowing what love is, even without knowing anything

I can't believe how much pain you can bring to me, when I'm so scared to make you feel even just the tiniest bit of discomfort

When you told me my wordings were uncomfortable, I tried to learn more english

When you told me you don't like my humor, I tried to find more memes that resonate with you more

When you told me this, when you told me that, I tried everything, though not perfect, I tried, I can promise and swear that I tried

Just for you, just because I don't want you to get uncomfortable

I'm so wrong for liking you this long

And for letting you hurt me this much

I'm wrong that I hurt you as well, that I was immature and demanding and intolerable

But did I really deserve all of what you're giving to me right now?

Hindi ko na kaya, Cham

Sobrang sakit na eh, I tried, I tried to understand and defend you inside my head pero wala na kong excuse na masabi

Sana hindi ka ganyan sa mga kaibigan mo

I hope you stay sweet and funny, and never treat them the way you treat me now

Please don't hurt anyone. Please don't hurt the next person who will like you.

All I wanted was for you to see me. I just wished that you could wave me goodbye.

Please take care. I love you.

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i know this for years already but i ran past a post yesterday about this theory

and i wondered, how many toasts have i burnt in my 19 years of existence?

if i were to count the ones i remember, i can think of only 1

if i delayed myself for JUST a minute then my life shifted so much

that offer rejection hurt the feelings of my favorite teacher so much

im sorry ma'am moreno

but if i decided to not clean our room that day just like how i always do then i would probably not be writing this entry

i was a jerk, i hated cleaning classroom floors, bro who even likes that?

but that day i was the classroom cleaner and i absolutely hated it

a classmate told me to sweep and i did as she said and threw the dust outside until i saw my friend approaching me

he asked why did i backed out on that club, i liked the math club more i said

then he told me YOU were the president of my partylist

and that changed everything

i dropped the broom and rushed to that teacher and begged her to take me on that club again

after all the humiliation and bad words i got from being so indecisive

i rather felt relief and indescribable happiness

and then i saw you, sitting on the second tree just right in front of me

you smiled when you heard me, and that's when i knew i did something right

if i was not a classroom cleaner that day then my friend would've not found me

and i would not reach the cut off for member applications

if i decided to run away from my responsibilities that day and chill instead of clean

then i would've not met you

a funny burnt toast

but i actually like burnt toasts more

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one thing I absolutely hate about myself is giving too much fucks

they fought me, i gave a fuck

they hate me, I gave a fuck

they don't like me, I gave a fuck

even if all fucks in the world are used, i think i could still pull one from the pocket of my worn out jeans

i give too much fucks

despite reading all those self help books i think not so much changed

or i could say, absolutely nothing changed

if giving fucks were a sport then i'd be an olympian

winning golds every four years in paris or rio

but you know what, some things doesn't really have a cure

maybe im just born like that, or was destined to be affected so much

everything can be learned anyways, maybe one day i'll be stoic? haha

really, does it even matter what other people say?

honestly no, but if you are like me who is easily influenced or affected, it can be challenging

but btw, i think i improved so much already, i give less fucks now

back then i give ten per day, i think i give only two now

i used one today

screw myself btw

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a friend once said to me that things could be rearranged but not necessarily should be replaced

and as i think through the chapters of my life, i do notice that i had this trait of 'rearranging'

i was not fond of waste, just like hair, i believe that each thing in my possession holds memories

whether it be a brooch, or a cup, even if i forget who it came from, i always thought of these things as 'ornaments'

believe it or not, this sense of rearrangement also applies to people

even if you grow further apart with your high school bestfriend, they're still someone who is part of your hypothalamus

it is natural to drift apart as we grow older and it is in no way equating to replacement

rather just rearranged in a way that is unfortunate for you two, maybe different schedules, different schools or different interests, but never replaced

i dont really know if people can fully replace someone because i personally cant do it

but if someone really does, how can they sleep at night with that thought

ain't it weird? ain't it sad? but it could also be joyful depending on contexts

yet, maybe some of us would just prefer being in the middleground of society, scared to be rearranged or replaced

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have you ever realized the amount of things you would do for your beloved?

like waking up earlier, play a game you actually dislike or even forcing yourself to learn things they love doing

have you ever realized that we can make excuses, and exceptions, and biased judgements for that person

even at times, these excuses hurt you, it wouldn't really matter, as long as it is for him

what i want to say is, love really does move mountains

though not in that overused cliche sense we all grew up knowing

but rather in a way you could learn to love things you once hated, just because you want to share a bond with that person

someone can learn how to cook, even if fingers bleed, hands get burnt, or all of it ends up turning into waste, all just because you wanted to offer him lunch

someone can learn how to workout, as the sweat flow like tears after watching a movie you once loved as a child, all just because you wanted to look better for him

someone can learn how to play an instrument, play a sport, play a game—play anything!

all just because you wanted to be that someone he will talk to because you two have the same interests

i hope all these efforts get reciprocated to you.

you deserve someone who'll learn everything about your existence, not just because he needs to, but rather because he wanted to.

but for now, just flip through the pages of the book and kiss the mark of coffee drips on the paper

hopeless romanticism is a widely known concept in this world

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i saw the best stars when i was in elementary

though that same night, a pigeon shitted on my arm because i was sitting under its tree

the stars met my eyes like olives from a pie

and i would trace them like moles from the chest of a fair, handsome god who i would kiss the tip of his nose to worship his divine beauty

greeks acknowledge these stars as gauges of sexual appetite, a mole on the nose testify to an insatiable lust and some of these would even equate to a divine

in contrast, stars in this current time is seen as majestic and delightful crumbs of luster

how the hues are emphasized by the embrace of a dark endless and mundane shadow

another thing that i like about stars is how it dies

when the chemicals finally gives up after burning for God knows how long and erupts like tantrums from a kid denied of buying his wanted chocolate bar

it explodes and erases everything upon its reach no matter how massive or brilliant it is

a supernovae that consumes planets, and outshines even the brightest galaxies

we are no different from stars, possessing a gleam that's mismatched from billions of other ones

no matter how many stars there are in the sky, none of it brings us light similar to how the sun kisses our eyes

think of it as a person deemed to be irrelevant from a stranger yet is cherished by another

in the same manner as how the earth revolves around the sun despite the presence of many other

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I saw a post in instagram that said "I peaked in 16", and it amuses me to see numerous people agreeing to this statement

They shared different stories, facets, and a never ending list of things that brought us to so called "peak"

I am lying if I said that I disagreed to that post; because personally, I think the same way too

I was a 16 year old student juggling business, chores, responsibilities and arrays of hobbies that piques the interest of a person in their mid teens

She wakes up at 4:30 and tastes the chilly air of a december morning by 5. Walks about 8-12 kilometers everyday, intaking the vitamins of the sun while burning off calories before she even eats anything

By 7 she drinks a latte, the milk foam kisses her lips while the droplets of sweat roll down on her neck

By 12, she accomplished most of her homework, earned 2k from her business, probably also enjoyed a video game with her beloved

And what's left to do is to indulge on warm banana bread that was made from half rotten bananas she refused to eat days ago

God knows how much contempt I feel for the current version of myself

It went into a downwards spiral and one day just found myself overdosing in fake dopamine the moment I turn 17

Sleeping by 3, waking up at 10, cooks, sleeps again, and reaches out her phone the moment she wakes up just to mindlessly scroll until 3am, same process, repeat

The amount of calories I eat in a day is much more than the hate I feel for being so lazy and tired of living

Envious of the girls enjoying their life, good skincare, healthy habits and actually doing something worth while

Then here I am, barely surviving with two coins in my pocket

I want to go back to that time in life where everything was so peaceful and slow

That I romanticized everything so much that it fools the me of today thinking that I was somewhat perfect in unhuman standards

I want to taste the sun again in a way that my sweat felt so good dripping, and the shaking legs during that incline felt so fresh

If only I could be that hungry, skinny, and hardworking 16 year old again, the one who aced every task, the one that people loved, the one who gets crazy for putting the oil packet from instant noodles

Though she cried every 3pm because of the weakness she felt from overworking while fasting for 20 hours a day

I would rather be tired in that way

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It's funny cause u drive me half insane

A universe without u would be thoroughly mundane.

- Laufey (Best Friend)

Firstly, I would never shut up on how much I love this song

The hiraeth it brings, a funny concept to say the least

Yet I would never replace this feeling to anything

If it is you who causes it, I'm forever grateful for it

One day, maybe these feelings would fade

Especially since I'm going to a place, a few hours away

Meeting people from different places, different stories

And one might just pique my interest more than you do

I highly doubt it though, I don't know if that's good or bad

You really did wonders Cham, despite the various experiences we shared

Realized this just now, it's been quite a while

Of me falling for someone whom I barely knew

Being with you might hurt, my plain stupidity just pushes me to endure

But being without you hurts way worse, stings me in the heart like a bee fighting for pollen

I would rather go through storms with you than be in a warm summer alone

I brought an umbrella anyways, I'll share it with you

I do hope you go through your day as normal as it can be

And may you not feel hurt or despair if I was the one who causes it

Though I do wish I could bring you some happiness every once in a while

I think it's best if I am not worth much in your life

I learned to accept things as it is, and that dream of mine would just remain in my subconscious

What matters more is you, and you, and you

I would continue to love you, and to cheer you on

Secretly, without you knowing, that's best for us

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So that was the reason why I was dizzy during badminton sessions

Why my head hurts when we play video games

Why I felt like fainting when I look up for the shuttles

Why I can't run fast because I feel my blood rushing up my head

It's quite frustrating because it's hindering my abilities :')

I kept blaming myself for not being able to keep up with your pace

That I get tired as fuck just 5 minutes playing with you

It was all because of those hemoglobin levels ahhh boring biology shit

I'm taking medications already and eating better

Will also quit stuff like valorant, ml and badminton for quite a while

My blood levels are THAT serious lmao

I was terrified when she said I need a transfusion

I also have hypertension and high risk of anxiety and depression 🥹

Chill baby girl you're 19, why all those goofy diseases

Also, my platelets are quite concerning?

They're hella elevated too wth chilllll

Okay that's basically it, I just wanna rant

I actually cried on the bus yesterday because I was soooo scared

I mean like I had an anxiety attack my chest was sooo painful 🥹

But I'll be good, I hope

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I love you 'til the day that I die.

~ Billie Eilish (Birds of a Feather)

They said that loving someone is worth every inconvenience

But what if everything about you was never an inconvenience?

What if everything I did was because I love you

Was because I just want to be part of everything you do?

Maybe it is cliche saying these things

And for you these are very corny and stupid

Just because I don't tell you these directly

Don't ever think I'm faking anything, I love you, I really really do

I want to see what you see

I want to hear what you hear

I want to understand the things that you like

Even the things that doesn't make your heart beat fast

Just know that I'll try to attend every badminton game you have

Try to stay awake when you want to play that stupid video game

I'll look for every gummy candy you like

And maybe offer you my shoes if yours happens to break when we're walking

No matter how hard I tried to erase what I feel

Just because everyone thinks I'll get over these butterflies

It's funny to think that they're still fluttering the same way it did before

I don't think I'll get over you. Ever.

When the time comes when birds learn how to sing

I hope it is me who sent them to you

Maybe with a basket of bread, or some flowers perhaps

Just so that I can show how I appreciate you

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There's no one else I'd rather fall asleep with, and dream with, you're my best friend in the world.

~ Laufey (Best Friend)

I hope you realize, someday, sometime

That I'll always be here beside you

Even if it shines, even if it rains

I'll lend you my umbrella even if I had no spare

I hope you realize, in one sunny day

That I'll do my best to attend all your games

I want to send you my support, I want to cheer for you

If you lose, it won't matter, for me you're the best on what you do

I hope you realize, in a cold rainy day

That when the drops soaks your clothes, I'll give my towel away

It's dumb but, I will be fine, maybe just a little fever

But that price is worth seeing you go well, don't worry about my temperature

I hope you realize, on your next birthday

That this day meant as special to me as it is for you

Celebrating your life is the way of me thanking

For the stars giving me a chance of me and you meeting

Though you might not see, or you might not hear me

Admitting the feelings that I have for you

I know that you know it, you know me quite well

Just trust me that all of it are true, it's only you I can tell

I hope you realize, someday, one day

That no matter how far I might go, no matter how long I'm gone

You'll always have my heart at all times

You'll always have my trust, as well as my smiles

You have me, even if everyone turns around you

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Do you still remember 6 years ago?

That one time, one random day in January

Everything is so fast paced that I didn't even grasp all of it

But I remember that day and moment just like the back of my hand

I never believed in red strings or soul ties

They are plainly a craft of romanticism especially in romance novels

Solely for the plot, it's just for the show

A story that revolves in superficiality and customary tropes

It was one sunny day, my sweat rolling from the side of my face

Pencils scratch, paper crumples, and the squeaks of the marker on the whiteboard is so mundane

When I looked to my left, I see some sort of light

Perhaps much brighter than the sun beams dancing from outside the window

I cheered for him inside my head and the next thing I remember he sits infront of me

Annoyed when I heard his name, it sounds so childish and funny

That sound is the one thing that kept me crazy for months, that name.

Never I expect that this name belongs to the person brighter than the rays

Years passed so fast but I can still remember those stolen glances

I never ate so much fried bread just so that I can walk outside your class

I thank myself for begging to get my slot back in that club

Since that was the start of the most beautiful moment of my youth

Look at you grow, I adore you for reaching so far

Girls from so many places desire and long for you

I laugh at that thought, it makes me happy that it's weird

Maybe I'm just in awe of your existence, or my disbelief that I'm actually one of your closest

If only I can rewind and go back to the past

I would savor every word, every game, every moment you're beside me

That golden sunrise in one sunny January

I would plead for the sun beams to kiss my cheeks again

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Okay, first of all, congratulations to myself for achieving this and that

It's actually quite surprising for a student such as myself to be reaching such goals

I can remember those instagram notes and posts of my peers

Dreaming to enter numerous universities. I'm very sorry for them.

Those people, the ones who wanted it the most showed more effort than me

Buying reviewers, staying up all night, spending thousands for review centers

While I, brainrotted with my phone for months straight

And I was the one who got in to universities and scholarships

I feel sorry for them and I tend to question myself

Do I really deserve it?

Subjectively, ofc not. Let's be real, why would you give a lazy person a fucking scholarship

I'm so disappointed at myself till now, I couldn't sleep because of the thought

Was I just a lucky person? Did I pass all 6 tests purely out of luck?

How can I survive UPD if I'm that kind of student?

Lazy, dumb, egoistic, selfish, etc.etc.

If only they knew who I really am, they probably won't be congratulating me right now

Cheers to new beginnings, I said.

But it ain't even beginning but I'm already failing in my head

Perhaps I'll just accept that fate favored me

Goodluck, do your best, try to succeed.

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Envy.

There is one thing I notice about me

Envy is the most powerful emotion in my body

Everything I do, even the most miniscule of stuff

I would find a way to degrade myself and get envious of other people's luck

Maybe it stemmed from the childhood experiences

Ever since I was young, my eyes were forced open

Finding myself in a situation where I must be on top

Competing with the pack than to be on the bot

Egoistic perfectionist, is a term that would describe myself

If I see someone better, I'll never stop until I beat them

There are people however that could tame the fire burning inside

And can hold me on my neck until the day I die

I'm envious, until now, I'm always searching for more

Even for attention, I would love to have it all

I hate it, I hate myself, I hate being too self-centered

But how can I teach myself to accept that everything for me won't be better

I want this, I want that, when can I have it all?

The hunger between my jaw lasts even past dawn

Almighty, please forgive me for the person I have come to be

Can you just end this suffering for me?

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If only I knew it was the last time I'll be playing with you

Then I would've kept playing, even my lungs were giving up

I would've stayed on the other side of the court

I would've shot the shuttle you placed on top

If only I knew that's the last time I'll tease you

I should've threw your shoe away further

Just so that you walk a little more longer and buy time for us to be together

If only I knew that's the last time I'll see you dance

Maybe I clapped louder than the people cheering your name

I should've not denied that the reason I'm there is you

I wish I said the truth, and I hope you heard it too

If only I knew that's the last time we'll go home together

Then I should've accepted that walk home with you offer

Even if it's night, dark and mysterious

At least I was with the person bringing light to the darkness

If only I knew honey, if only I knew

Then I would do my best to stay longer with you

Even if it meant I'll get scolded, or be late going home

I would rather choose those extra minutes to bond with you alone

I'm sorry I can't keep my promise

You will not see me anymore

I guess if we're lucky, we'll cross paths in a random convenience store

Will you be sad if you knew? or if you realized what I'll do?

Or is it just me who will miss the place where we're two

If only I knew that was the last time I'll be seeing you

Then I would do everything for time to freeze just for us two

Even for just two more minutes or even just seconds

It'll be enough for me to tell that "I'll miss you"

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The eyes are the windows to the soul

Those eyes, those eyes of brown and hazel

The same pair of eyes which I can drown in forever

Why could I worship those two circles the whole day

But when it meets mine I immediately look away?

The good thing is, you rarely see me

I can freely overdose in it, and feel euphoric

I love how it squints, I adore how it smiles

I wish it could look at me with endearment just like mine does

What do you see with those eyes? What do you hide behind it?

It is as deep as an ocean hiding a myriad of secrets

Despite all of that, I would choose to wake up beside you

So that I could learn the art of you through those sleepy gazes

Maybe one day, I could meet that gaze of yours

Maybe one day, hiding is not salient for me to intoxicate in you

I wish those eyes, those beautiful brown hazel eyes

Look at mine too

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Do you ever notice how time flies so fast when we are with the person we love?

Just like how time is so slow when we are waiting for our lectures to end

Time is a relative concept as stated by Einstein

And I am yet to experience its romantic aspect

What I do notice though is that love is magical

Time, gravity, temperature and basically anything does not exist

Constantly hyperfixated with the person I love the most

He brings me so much delight, that my mind halts everything it's noticing

Whenever, wherever, it seems that time is out of context

You take up my ability for reasoning, all I could see is you

Time is a relative concept when we are with the person we love

But even if it travels faster than the speed of light, I am willing to give up light years for you

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Yesterday I received a message from a dear friend

She stated that she admired me, and she wants to be me

Thinking of it, I was actually quite flabbergasted

Proudly thinking that I made quite a difference in people's lives for them to think like that

Another one said that I might be the most successful in our friend group

Another one said that they're proud of me and they want to brag me to people

It's like an overwhelming stud, because I don't really treat myself as grandeur

I'm just like most people too, or even worse at some cases

Yet I wonder, do I like myself?

Some people likes me, and some people don't

Which is normal, we are born with preferences, you can't really please everyone

Yet still, I don't know which side am I on

I lack something, actually a lot

Going through details about it would take a month or two to finish

But let me tackle with you what is something I dislike the most

First of all, do you hate disrespect?

It is science that people dislike to be interrupted

Being disrespected is the last thing a person would ever desire for

A heart scorching yearning for the contrary is actually quite common

People are naturally egoistic, a fact that will never be accepted

I myself however, lacks the self-decency

I hate disrespectful people but I am one myself

Just so that I could satisfy one's aspirations, I would try to fulfill them even if it's against me

Disrespecting my own virtues for the sake of one's enjoyment, because, I want to make them happy?

Scraps are food for the prey, and prey are food for the predators

Despite possessing the qualities for dominance, I choose to be the one who begs for remnants

How could one like a prey? Do you think a person who beseech for the minimum is affable?

It's not! No one likes a person like that, let's be real.

Do I know that I'm disrespected? Yes!

Do I know that I'm the one who disrespects myself? Absolutely!

Being someone without boundaries is no different from a puppet

And in puppet shows, we laugh at them, right?

I hate to say that I'm so used to being disrespected

Just because I'm scared that they will leave me if I speak for myself, I keep my mouth shut

It makes me angry, and hurt, and unconsciously disrupted

And when you're hurt, you do the same to other people too

So basically it looks like a paradox

If you respect yourself and set boundaries, people will leave you

But if you disrespect yourself enough for the sake of others, they would still leave you

I'm fucking tired writing this entry, this is absolutely a piece of shit

There's no way out

But you have to choose

Who's more important?

Them or you?

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Glasses help when everything seems like a blur, but even without one, I still see your figure .

I'm nearsighted, and I struggle finding people in crowds

When I want to ride jeepneys, I often misread the signboards too

Despite that, I sat on the farthest back of the classroom

Even though I cannot read well from afar.

I don't wear glasses though, my myopia doesn't hinder my daily activities at all

Maybe at some instances, I wish I could tell who is the person waving at me from 30 feet away

And maybe it is also good if I can read the writings on the whiteboard well

Instead of squinting my eyes on every damn lesson

Some things are an exception though

I can't see the features, but hey! I can see the bigger picture~^^

I also know the color, but just don't show me shades of yellow, I couldn't tell them apart

Good thing, you wore black, and blue, and white, and, no, I just know you.

I can see you in Court 4 despite being in the entrance

I can see you on the second floor despite the angle of elevation

I can see you so well, I know how you look

Even if you cut your hair, even if you wore a different jacket, even if you were 30 feet away, I can see you.

Do I really see you? Or do I just know your physique?

I need glasses to see the text on your ID, but, I don't need one to confirm that it is you

I just know. If it's you, I know.

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Wasn't it obvious?

Wasn't it obvious?

How I wanted to go,

just because you we're coming too?

Wasn't it obvious?

How I smiled inside the lounge,

just because I can see your jacket of blue?

Wasn't it obvious?

That I picked up all your hobbies,

because I wanted to understand the things you loved?

Wasn't it obvious?

When you see me train for a sport,

after dropping the one I knew for years?

Wasn't it obvious?

That the songs I recommend,

are the songs I wanted to dedicate to you?

Wasn't it obvious?

When you knew I didn't like movies,

but agreed to watch a whole series with you?

Wasn't it obvious?

When I tried to befriend the people you love,

despite being an introvert myself?

Wasn't it obvious?

How I kept unfazed when you're near,

but my heartbeat was too loud to hear?

It was all obvious, I know it's obvious

And I kept it that way from the start

Pardon. I just can't hide stuff from you.

If I had the guts to tell you 'I love you', I probably already did.

Yes. I do love you. Wasn't it obvious?

Or you haven't realized yet?

I doubt.

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I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you.

~ Paramore (Still Into You)

I never really understood the metaphor 'butterflies in my stomach'

It felt too exaggerated and forced

Perhaps a way to romanticize the concept of love

I'm not fond of the idea, it's gibberish

But I never realized, I actually felt the butterflies too

It is the color of gold, warm and bright

It's actually fascinating, and I felt it, it's just that, I'm different

The butterflies weren't in my stomach, it was in my heart all along

The butterflies dance, as if my heart was a bed of sunflowers

Intoxicatingly addicted to the scent of love and overdosed with their own fantasies

Can someone be that giddy for a person? How can that be?

Maybe my drink was spiked with an ampoule of oxytocin and dopamine

The monarch lives for about 2-6 weeks

It feasts on nectar until their last breath, until their legs couldn't move, until their wings couldn't fly

It's a short lifespan, but damn it's been five whole years

Why are the monarchs still flying inside me?