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massive open online course (website category)

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Find it on facebook :-)

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Log into Facebook to start sharing and connecting with your friends, family, and people you know.

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A place to discuss Polyamori :-)

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Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and polysexuality (which is attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes)

This community is public (including all posts and the members list).

See e.g. http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html for poly intro info.

The Rules:
#1: Please remember that it's ok to link things here, but that the expectation is that you will write a short paragraph of text introducing your link to your article, blog, link, pictures, discussion topic, etc. and that It must be topical to the Poly community.

#2: No advertisements for services or for partners, I.E. no things like dating sites and no "I'm looking for a unicorn in Hoboken, NJ" type posts. We as a group have decided that we don't want personals, sexy pictures, etc. That includes advertising for other poly groups. Note that blog posts are not considered ads, and links to your blog articles about polyamory are welcome, so long as they are not solicitations for services or partners.

#3: This is a discussion community devoted to helping one another, support, and outreach.

#4: No reshares. Please avoid resharing things that were shared elsewhere first. Make the same post an original post here please if you feel you must. The exception to this is something that you write a well thought out intro post to. Something that makes it's relevance clear, and poses a question for debate.

#5: Communication is key. Arguing with moderator decisions is not. Do not publicly argue with the staff once a decision about something has been made. Please contact the community owner directly in case of a dispute with a moderator.

#6: The staff reserve the right to summarily delete comments, and posts if they break the rules, as they don't really contribute here.

Thank you.

We are now on FetLife as well! Come on by. FetLife gives our members another option, one that allows private posting to a group. Things posted on FetLife cannot be read unless you are logged into FetLife, granting an additional measure of privacy.

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Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

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kinxtionary #003 New Relationship Energy - YouTube

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kinxtionary #003 New Relationship Energy - YouTube

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Polyamory: New Relationship Energy (NRE) - YouTube

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Polyamory: New Relationship Energy (NRE) - YouTube

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Polyamory: New Relationship Energy (NRE)

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A discussion with M. Makael Newby about the impacts of New Relationship Energy on an existing partner; from the Denver Sex Show, 2009. (Please forgive the poor video and background noise!)

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A reader asked me to discuss the concept of New Relationship Energy.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the term for that exciting, euphoric feeling that comes with the start of a new relationship. It is sometimes referred to as infatuation as well. If you have been in a relationship, you have probably experienced it. You feel like this is the greatest person ever and nothing could ever go wrong. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing prettier, even the car horns in traffic sound more musical. Most love poetry and love songs are written about this phenomenon.

NRE has different and important implications in a monogamous or polyamorous context. In a monogamous context, the greatest challenge that NRE poses is the transition from the beginning of the relationship to the long haul. For polyamorous situations, NRE can cause issues for the previously existing relationships.

When a relationship first starts, everything seems perfect and like it will never change. This is a beautiful emotional state to be in, but a terrible state to make decisions in.

I love her so much, we'll be together forever, so why shouldn't I move across the country to be with her?

Ever heard something like that? NRE makes people do dumb things: committing to long term decisions based on short term emotional states. Like any other altered state of consciousness, it is important to consider when making decisions at the start of a relationship whether these decisions are based on good sound reason or ephemeral emotions?

The greatest test of many relationships is the transition out of the NRE phase. Since too many people mistake NRE for love, this leads many relationships to break up because they "fall out of love." The challenge for a relationship as it leaves the NRE phase and goes into the long term relationship phase is to move from a hot, boiling romance based on passion and emotion into a slow simmering, comfortable partnership based on shared life goals and common values. It's not as exciting as the endless possibilities of NRE, but it is the kind of stable, long term relationship that holds everything together.

Of course, the desire for that exciting, roaring passion often remains after the NRE fades. The temptation of this often leads many a monogamous partner to stray when things get "stale".

This would suggest that polyamory would solve this problem, giving the roaming partner an outlet for their desires. However, NRE in polyamory brings in a whole new array of concerns. The greatest danger when someone with existing relationships enters into a new relationship is the NRE. Suddenly, the existing, comfortable relationship with a person who is known, good parts and bad, is being compared to the beautiful example of perfection found in the eye of the smitten.

Those who are more experienced with polyamory and NRE understand that this is an altered state of consciousness, enjoy it but recognize it for what it is. Even if the person experiencing the NRE recognizes this, there is also the issue that the existing partner may worry that they are in danger of being replaced, especially if there are existing insecurities. After all, it is natural for one to want to spend a great deal of time with a new partner and to overlook their flaws. When dealing with a partner enjoying NRE, it is important to realize that it is a temporary condition and to be happy for them in their happiness. Trying to compete with the new partner will only force the comparison of old and new, which will never go well.

NRE is a wonderful and exciting emotion, but it is just that, an emotion. No more, no less. It's not a life changing event. It's not the beginning of eternal joy. Enjoy it but don't be carried away with it.

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A reader asked me to discuss the concept of New Relationship Energy. New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the term for that exciting, euphoric feeling that comes with the start of a new relationship. It is sometimes referred to as infatuation as well. If you have been in a relationship, you have probably experienced it.

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Common Polyamory Mistakes - More Than Two

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Common Polyamory Mistakes - More Than Two

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There is an excellent guide to screwing up poly relationships on the alt.polyamory site, which describes in some detail the petty, mean-spirited, malicious things that you can do to help ensure that your relationship fails in the most dramatic, painful way possible.

This is not that page.

This page is designed to describe some of the mistakes you can make in a non-monogamous relationship even if you are compassionate, honest, and well-intentioned. Sometimes, building a stable, happy non-monogamous relationship is not intuitive, and there are mistakes that can be made along the road no matter how well-intentioned you may be. Ideally, you should seek to learn from other people's mistakes rather than your own; it's a lot less trouble.

Don't make assumptions about your partner or your relationship; talk about everything

There are people in the world who don't like talking about relationship stuff, or who see it as an onerous chore. The problem with that is you can easily end up in a situation where you think something's okay with your partner, or that you're at some place in your relationship with your partner, or that you're in a type of relationship that allows some things or doesn't allow others, and your partner has a completely different idea. Finding that out by talking about it is a lot less dramatic than finding it out by crossing a line you didn't even know existed. Be clear up front about what your partner expects from you (and about what you expect from your partner), and you'll be a lot happier, trust me.

Don't ignore the consequences of your actions-even the unintended consequences

The law of unintended consequence is as universal and as inescapable as the law of gravity, and is certainly more than capable of screwing up your romantic relationship beyond all recognition.

Put simply, your decisions and your actions have consequences for both your partners and your relationships, and you bear responsibility for these consequences-even if you feel that your decisions were appropriate and justified, even if you feel that your actions were expressly permitted by the rules of your relationship.

The most common example of unintended consequence can be found in relationships that have "veto" rules permitting one partner to veto another partner's romantic relationships. Most of the time, veto is a negotiated and mutually agreed-upon rule; the people in a relationship that includes a veto power explicitly give that veto power to their partner.

Yet if your partner falls in love with someone, and you then veto that relationship, you are almost certain to hurt your partner. It does not matter if your partner explicitly agreed to that veto power and explicitly consented to give you that power; when a person loses a romantic relationship, it hurts. That's the way human beings work. When you hurt your partner, that can and likely will affect your relationship with your partner, even if your partner explicitly gave you that power. Now, I'm not saying you should never exercise a veto; but I am saying that when you make a decision affecting your partner, seek to understand how it affects your partner, and take responsibility for that. Say "Yes, I know this hurts you, and I'm sorry." Acknowledge that your decisions may affect your relationship with your partner, and take responsibility for those effects, even if they were unintended.

This is probably the single most crucial factor to the success of any relationship. Everything you do-whether it's inviting your partner to some function but not inviting your partner's partners, or seeking to exclude your partner's other partners from things that are important to you, or even something as simple as not acknowledging the value your partner sees in his or her other relationships-will affect your relationship with your partner, sometimes in subtle ways and sometimes in ways that are more obvious. Be aware of the consequences of your decisions as well as your reasons for making them.

Don't try to micromanage your feelings, or those of your partners

One of the more common problems in a polyamorous relationship arises when one of the people involved, in an effort to feel less threatened or more secure, seeks to control the extent to which his or her partner becomes emotionally involved with another partner. People often feel threatened by emotional intimacy-sometimes, more threatened than by physical intimacy. But trying to micromanage emotions isn't the way to solve that problem.

Emotions are resistant to being managed that way; it's virtually impossible to pass a "rule" that says "you may be physically intimate with another person, but you may not be emotionally intimate past this point" and have it stick. It's not always possible to predict what relationships will become emotionally intimate, or how they'll become emotionally intimate; attempting to manage insecurity or fear by micromanaging emotional connections is virtually certain to fail. In fact, sometimes, attempts to micromanage emotional intimacy lead to the next problem, which is:

Don't destroy the village in order to save it

It's a given in most relationships of any sort at all that hurting one's partner will hurt the relationship. It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that if you break your lover's heart, you will cause damage to your relationship.

One way to break your lover's heart is to force your lover to withdraw from a person he or she loves, which is where rules forbidding emotional intimacy generally end. Because emotions can't be arbitrarily controlled, and because it's not always possible to predict in advance when a relationship will become emotionally intimate, people who build relationship structures in which emotional intimacy is forbidden often end up unintentionally violating those structures. When that happens, a choice must be made: the rules forbidding emotional intimacy can change, or the person who's become emotionally intimate with a new partner can withdraw from that partner. Doing the latter is going to cause a lot of pain, both for that person and for his or her new partner; eventually, that pain is going to affect the existing relationship.

In an effort to avoid making this mistake, though, people sometimes commit the next, which is:

Don't expect someone to develop the same relationship with both you and your partner

One way people sometimes seek to address the problem of feeling threatened by emotional intimacy is to say "Okay, emotional intimacy is not a problem, as long as a new partner becomes involved with both of us and loves both of us. That way, nobody feels left out, and nobody needs to feel jealous."

On paper, it looks great. In the real world, however, it's not usually successful, because it rests on an assumption that isn't true-namely, that it's possible to dictate that two separate relationships can develop at the same rate and to the same degree with two different people.

Let's assume that a person begins dating a pair of identical twins, and that he or she spends the same amount of time with each of them. Even in that situation, it's not realistic to expect both relationships to develop at the same rate and in the same way. Relationships, like people, are individuals, and it simply isn't realistic to think that a relationship with two different people will turn out the same.

People will sometimes seek to do this because they feel that it will protect them from insecurity or jealousy-"I feel threatened when my partner has an emotionally intimate relationship, but if the person my partner is involved with has the same relationship with me, I won't feel left out, so I won't feel threatened." The better approach, I think, is to create a relationship that is inclusive rather than exclusive, but that does not rely on an impossible goal like "anyone new must date both of us and must develop the same kind of relationship with both of us." Inclusiveness does not have to mean "two relationships that are the same"; indeed, it is possible to construct inclusive relationships in which the new person is only romantically involved with one member of an existing couple, but has developed a strong friendship with the other.

And while we're at it, the second mistake people make along these lines:

Don't assume that you can prevent jealousy by making sure you and your partner date the same person

This is one of the most common mistakes made by couples who decide to try out polyamory. The idea is that if one of the members of the couple has insecurity or jealousy issues, the way to keep this from becoming a problem is if both of them date the same person. After all, if your partner is sleeping with someone else, but you're also sleeping with that person, you won't get jealous, right?

Jealousy doesn't work that way. Jealousy isn't rational. It doesn't make any difference if you and your partner are sleeping with the same person; if you are insecure, or have unresolved fears of loss or of being replaced, you may still feel jealous if your partner has another lover even if that person is also your lover.

The way to keep from feeling threatened or jealous is to figure out what lies at the root of the jealousy and then deal with that, not by creating relationship structures that are intended to make the jealousy go away. Jealousy is rooted in other emotions, such as insecurity or fear of loss. Dating the same person that your partner is dating does not make those other emotions go away.

Don't forget your priorities

It is completely natural to become so wrapped up in the joy of a new relationship that you neglect your existing relationships; in fact, it often takes a considerable act of will to pay full attention to your existing relationships.

But doing this is necessary. Neglecting existing relationships in the giddy rush to a new relationship can be extremely destructive...to all of the relationships. Don't get carried away; pay attention to what you're doing. Take care to make all of your partners feel loved, needed, and secure.

Don't start new relationships if your existing relationships have problems

Polyamory is not a way to evade problems in your romantic life. In fact, problems in one relationship have a very nasty habit of spilling over into your other relationships if you're not careful.

If you have a relationship that is facing difficulty, that is not the time to be starting new relationships. Doing so is likely to create problems in the new relationship and exacerbate the problem in your existing relationship. It's unfair to both your existing lover and to any new lover to begin relationships under these conditions.

And on the flip side of that same mistake:

Be careful about getting involved with an existing couple who haven't worked out what polyamory is all about

One almost-certain way to run into heartache is to start dating one part (or both parts!) of an existing couple when each of the members of that couple has a different idea about how their relationship should work.

Any time two people are clearly not on the same page about what is and is not allowed, or have different ideas about how their relationship should be conducted, you're likely to find trouble. And as often as not, when problems occur between the members of the existing couple as a result, you'll be the bad guy. It pays to do what you can to see that everyone is on the same page before your heart is on the line.

And while we're on the subject, the flip side of that same coin is...

Don't get involved in polyamory if you're still not sure whether or not you have a poly relationship in the first place, or if you're not prepared to take responsibility for your actions

It should go without saying, but don't invite someone into your relationship if you aren't clear whether or not your relationship permits it. If you are partnered, and you think you might like to explore polyamory, be clear with your partner about it before you bring someone else in. And when you do bring someone else in, be clear that this person's heart is on the line. You are offering this person physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, or both; take responsibility for that. Don't let him in, create vulnerability, and then turn around without warning and say "well, my partner and I aren't sure if we're poly or not."

Your partners are human beings, not commodities; if you want partners who will treat you well, consider your feelings, and behave with compassion and respect, you need to treat them well, consider their feelings, and behave with compassion and respect yourself. Get clear in your own head and establish with your existing partner how your relationship works and what the terms of your relationship are; don't make someone else find this out by trial and error! If you're not sure whether or not you're in a polyamorous relationship, you aren't in a polyamorous relationship.

Don't assume that needs not being met in one relationship can be met in another

Often, people may fall into the trap of believing that if some need is not being met in a relationship, the solution is to meet that need by seeking another relationship. This is particularly common in primary/secondary relationships, where if the secondary's needs aren't being met, the secondary may seek out other relationships to meet them.

In reality, many needs are connected to a person, not to a relationship. If you need A, B, C, D, and E, don't assume you can have needs A, B, and D met from Joe, and needs C and E from Bob. What you may find is that you need A, B, C, and D from Joe, and need A, D, and E from Bob; getting A from Joe does not mean that you do not also need it from Bob.

Don't try to force your relationships to fit a predefined mold

Many people believe that communication is Rule #1 in a polyamorous relationship. If that's true, then Rule #0 is: Let your relationships be what they are.

When someone who is in a polyamorous relationship begins searching for a new partner, sometimes the temptation exists to search for a new relationship that will fit within a predefined form-for example, "I want a bisexual female who will date both my partner and me, who is already partnered, and who likes skeeball."

Like any kind of romantic relationship, a poly relationship isn't likely to be quite that tidy. Often, a relationship may fail if the people involved in that relationship try to force it to fit some predefined set of conditions, rather than allowing the relationship to grow in whatever direction is natural.

This is particularly true in situations where an existing couple or group seek out a new relationship that will involve everyone equally-for example, "We are a couple looking for another couple in such a way that all four of us will be romantically involved with one another." The impulse here can be to try to force the new relationships to fit that pattern even in situations where the relationships, if allowed to grow naturally, wouldn't take that shape.

But this can happen in one-on-one relationships as well. When people say things like "I want a secondary partner," they may be committing the advanced form of this mistake; you can't always predict in advance how intimate a romantic relationship will become. You can't force a light, casual relationship to become deep and passionate-but you also can't force a deep, passionate relationship to be light and casual!

A very valuable tool that can be used to avoid this problem is to treat any relationship between two people as though it has three components: the needs of the first person involved, the needs of the second person involved, and the needs of the relationship itself. Often, the relationship itself acts like a third, independent entity, and it's wise to listen to the needs of the relationship.

Don't try to isolate your relationships

Nothing exists in a vacuum. Often, people try to isolate their relationships from one another, and try to "compartmentalize" the relationships so that each is a separate, distinct entity. This is usually more common with relationships that follow a primary/secondary model.

Trouble is, it doesn't work. Each relationship can and will exert an influence on the others. It's important to keep this in mind, and to understand that the things you do in one relationship have consequences for the others.

On the other hand, it's also easy to go overboard in the other direction, which leads us to the next poly mistake:

Don't try to combine your relationships, or force them to act as a single relationship

This happens most often in people seeking to create an intentional, equilateral relationship involving three or four people. The impulse is for all the people involved to want to do everything together-to spend all their time together, go out together, and so on.

The dangers here are twofold. First, it can be suffocating to have no space of your own, to always be surrounded by other people. Second, this tends to try to "force" the relationship to fit a mold it might not fit naturally. It's quite normal for all the people in a triad or quad to relate to one another somewhat differently, even if the triad or quad is equilateral; and two of the people may enjoy doing something together that the third doesn't enjoy, or doesn't enjoy as much.

This is normal and healthy. There's nothing wrong with letting the relationships develop as they will; not everyone has the same needs, the same tastes, and the same desires. It doesn't mean the relationship is not equilateral.

Don't try to separate yourself from your lover's other relationships

This most often happens in situations where one partner is polyamorous by nature and the other is monogamous. A number of factors can cause you to try to distance yourself from your lover's other lovers: Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and so on.

The reality of your lover's other relationships is almost never as bad as the fear makes it out to be. Getting to know your lover's other partners can go a long way to driving out that fear. The fact is, a person who is involved with someone who's poly is also in a relationship with that person's other partners-even if it's not a romantic relationship.

If you see those other partners as competitors, it becomes easy to dehumanize them, and the impulse is to vilify and distrust them. This tends to cause a great deal of stress on your relationship with your lover; it also tends to cause you to go crazy.

Once you see your lover's other partners as human beings, instead of as competitors, it eases any stress you may be experiencing. It also helps you to establish healthy, happy relationships with them.

If, that is, they want a healthy relationship with you. If they don't, then it's important to consider the next common poly mistake, which is:

Don't be afraid to put your foot down

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Not everyone is a good person, and not everyone is perfect, and not everyone makes an ideal match for your lover. Often, we may want to do things that make our partner happy, even if we know better or if we have to sacrifice our own happiness to get there.

This usually works in the short run, and usually causes pain and grief in the long run. Listen to that little inner voice; it's rarely wrong. If something bothers you, speak up about it. If you find something completely unacceptable, say so! Even if it's irrational, your lover should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say about it.

And speaking of being irrational:

Don't expect human beings to be rational all the time

We are inherently irrational beings. This is a part of the nature of man. Irrational responses are a part and parcel of who we are as human beings, and these things can't be addressed rationally.

You may find some of your partner's behavior or emotional response to be irrational in any romantic situation. This is not necessarily bad; love is not rational. Nor is jealousy.

Remember that you are not always rational, either. Do not attack, browbeat, or berate your partner for behaving emotionally; do not expect that your partner will always act in accordance with reason and logic. It's not going to happen.

If your partner is acting irrationally, you must still be compassionate and respectful-even if you disagree with things your partner says or does! Treat your partner's feelings with respect and courtesy. Try to find out why your partner feels the way he or she feels. Often, there may be some underlying reason that is not obvious; if you want to address the feeling, it's necessary first to find out where it comes from.

People often know that it's important to be compassionate when faced with jealousy, but it's important to remember that all of your partner's feelings are important. Even positive feelings, such as love or new relationship energy, can cause your partner to behave irrationally. Try to understand what your partner is feeling, and why, when you address any problems this behavior may bring up.

Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills

This one is obvious, really, but it bears repeating. A relationship is not doomed until the people in it stop talking to each other and start breaking dishes instead.

Talk to your partner. Honestly. All the time. About everything.

Don't make unilateral life-altering decisions

Partners should include one another in life-altering decisions. Big announcements of major changes in one's life can often make one's partners feel alienated.

Talk to all your partners. Don't relay information through your other partners

This never works. Seriously. Information that passes through an intermediary never quite gets to its destination without getting mangled. If you need to talk to someone, go directly to that person.

And on a related note:

Don't rely on relayed information

Never trust that what one partner says about what another partner said is entirely accurate (even if no skewing was intended). Go to the source and get confirmation.

Don't move too fast

There is no such thing as instant polyamory. Don't think you have to have sex on the first date. Don't show up with a moving van on the second date. And don't call it a "relationship" till you've actually dating a while. Try letting things grow naturally, and build something lasting instead.

Polyamorous relationships are not different in kind from monogamous relationships, and the beginnings of any relationship are fraught with peril. Take it slow.

Don't ignore that little voice in your head

This is an easy mistake to make in any kind of relationship, not just a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes, your heart may tell you one thing even when your head tells you another; even if you can't put your finger on any rational reason why, it's often a good idea to listen to your heart when it suggests that something might be wrong.

Just because you can't find a rational reason why something is wrong doesn't necessarily mean everything is OK. A wise course of action is to start with the assumption that the little voice is trying to warn you about something you have not consciously become aware of, and to delve deeper into figuring out what that may be.

The little voice is not always right, of course, But don't write it off just because it's not rational.

Don't be afraid of change

Often, especially in a primary/secondary relationship, we may have a subconscious expectation that somebody new can come into our lives and our lives will continue pretty much as they were, undisturbed.

But any romantic relationship is going to leave a permanent mark on the people involved. Any time you introduce someone into your romantic life, even as a secondary, that person can and likely will alter your life permanently.

This is a feature, not a bug. If you bring people into your life, don't expect to continue on untouched.

Don't assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory

When you're involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter-"If we weren't poly, we wouldn't have to deal with this!"

But that's not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.

For example, if you're in a poly relationship and you feel that you aren't getting enough of your partner's attention, it might be tempting to say, "If you weren't also involved with so-and-so, I wouldn't be feeling neglected." But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lover's attention-work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isn't really polyamory-it's time management.

Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.

Make sure your actions and your intentions match

This is a valuable rule to apply to any relationship, but it's particularly important in a poly relationship.

For instance, if you claim to accept or like your lover's other partner(s), but in practice you manage to avoid acknowledging the other partner(s) as much as possible (such as never asking about them, never taking any initiative to nurture even the most casual or friendly relationship with them, falling silent or changing the subject whenever your lover mentions them, etc.), then you're sending a clear message that you wish the other partner(s) didn't exist.

This is very difficult on the lover-in-the-middle, which is made much worse if you deny that you're doing this.

Last updated: June 18, 2011

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Common Polyamory Mistakes - More Than Two

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There is an excellent guide to screwing up poly relationships on the alt.polyamory site, which describes in some detail the petty, mean-spirited, malicious things that you can do to help ensure that your relationship fails in the most dramatic, painful way possible. This is not that page.

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POLYAMORY NOT BETTER, JUST DIFFERENTBY

SILVERWOLF
I have read a lot about polyamory and Deborah Anapol's book "Polyamory The New Love Without Limits," and various other sources on this subject. I have been involved in being the outside person looking onto a poly relationship between my wife and her lover. I have come to the conclusion that what polyamory is meant to be, and the way that people live the lifestyle are two entirely different ideas.

Everything that has been written about polyamory comes up with the same basic principle: The concept of "loving More" people with differences that meet your needs. My wife taught me a really profound saying:

"Not Better, Just Different."

This saying compounded with the principles and ideas of polyamory has led me to believe that this lifestyle is based on "Loving More", as well as "Loving Equal". What do I mean by loving equal? That is a very good question. Let's examine what I mean. First, we must go back to the lifestyle of monogamy and a concept that was ingrained in us deeper than monogamy could go. I do not have a one line statement for this concept, but I can describe it. Have you ever sat down during, or somewhere thereabouts, a new relationship and thought about your old relationship, or even have it flit through across your mind? Of course not! Why? Because when society taught us to be monogamous, they ingrained in is that to begin a new relationship, we must end the old relationship. Not to mention that the energy, ecstasy, and exhilaration that the new relationship caused, why would we want to think about the old relationship. In this respect some poly people, to one degree or another, still have this concept as a part of them.

To understand what I mean by this let us change the words "new relationship" and "old relationship" to "NRE ( New Relationship Energy)" and "ORE ( Old Relationship Energy)". During the point in time that most poly people were experiencing NRE how many of them could honestly say that they paid complete attention to the ORE's wants, needs, and desires? Now before all of you start jumping down my throat about this statement, take a few minutes and honestly think about this. Can you honestly say that, to some degree, you were so caught up with the thrill of an NRE that the ORE paled in comparison. Why? Because the ORE became comfortable, and to a degree not as highly energetic as the NRE.

In being able to fully accept the idea of being poly, I feel that the concept and idea of how the lifestyle should be lived should be taken a step farther. During any kind of poly relationship, the poly person should not be saying, " I devote my love to this person 65% of the time, this person gets 30% and this person gets 5%." In some cases this will apply, maybe one lover is having a bad day and needs the reassurance that someone out there cares about how they feel. But love should never be devoted to one person for an extended period of time. Does a grandmother pay attention to only one of her grandchildren, when she has four or five of them at her house. No, she pays as much attention to each and everyone of them as she can. So why can't this be applied to poly relationships?

If you read the passage in "Love Without Limits", by Cynthia Nelson, on 44 reasons why she likes nonmonogamy (and 4 reasons why she doesn't), you will find that no where in any of those reasons does she imply that she wants to spend an extended amount of time with any single one of them. She wants to spend as much time with each as she possible can. This concept of NRE and giving more attention to that relationship is completely foreign to me. Why, if I am in an NRE relationship, should the NRE get more of my attention, my cuddling, my kisses, my warmth. My caresses, more sex, etcetera, when my ORE matters just as much to me as my NRE.

"Not Better, Just Different."

If I am in the same room with a few of my lover's, I will do my best to pay attention to each and everyone of them, to let them know that they are just as important in my life as equals, and that I will share whatever I have to offer with them as often as I can. The touching and sharing that I receive from each one of them will be different, and one relationship will always enhance the other in all aspects of those relationships, yes, people sex is included in that statement. I am not going to tell one of my lover's that I don't want to spend quality time with them right now, turn around and five hours later be doing that with another love of my life. It is unfair to those other loves that will need there wants, desires, and feelings fulfilled as well. Nor am I going to say that just because this person gets sex from me, that I am not in the mood to have sex with another. If it is what they want, then why should I tell them no, just because I already got some. Nah, I don't think so.

"Not Better, Just Different."

In conclusion, polyamory was not intended to be said that I am having more fun with this relationship, than in that one. I want all my loves to be equal in my life in all aspects of my life, because that is the way love was meant to be shared. Whether I am in an NRE or not.

Silverwolf

Comments or Suggestions

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POLYAMORY NOT BETTER, JUST DIFFERENTBY SILVERWOLF I have read a lot about polyamory and Deborah Anapol's book "Polyamory The New Love Without Limits," and various other sources on this subject. I have been involved in being the outside person looking onto a poly relationship between my wife and her lover.

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ARE YOU IN POLY HELL? - kathylabriola.com

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ARE YOU IN POLY HELL? - kathylabriola.com

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ARE YOU IN POLY HELL? - kathylabriola.com

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To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.

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Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy (NRE)

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Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy (NRE)

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I've started writing a number of Poly101 articles for the blog; you may have already read my 101 on Should I Introduce Myself as Poly, Compersion, Jealousy, and Polyamory. In this article, I'll be trying to describe a complex set of emotions often expressed in Polyamory circles called New Relationship Energy.

NRE can probably be thought of as more an observed state. Your poly friends would observe your behaviors and contribute them to your being in NRE. "Ahh. Jeremy. Right. He and Joni are on an NRE roller coaster. Zoinks." Unless you're truly hypercritical and cognizant of your own emotional states, you wouldn't likely see yourself Finally, NRE must eventually fade and transition to more usual life patterns. NRE can't go on forever - the fuel and space for it to burn isn't infinite. Otherwise, that burn will be felt like a radiating heat in other areas of your life: financially, in respect to chores and other obligations to children and household, friendships and acquaintances, co-existing relationships, work. If it doesn't normalize, a relationship can start burning down other established habits, patterns, commitments ... it gets bigger, consuming what it touches. It'll New Relationship Energy) is a term used to describe the intense giddiness one feels when falling in love. In poly circles, it's a term used to describe a particular state of mind that may be influencing peculiar or erratic decision-making.
In the grips of NRE, life is seen through proverbial rose-colored glasses. Everything is super-amped-up: birds sing the name of your new love; crowds spontaneously break into choreographed musical numbers with you; flowers form tiny faces and smile at you as you walk by; when you roll the dice, it's always lucky-seven; when you watch clouds form ... well, okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but it feels like this. Everything's just going your way.
Also, in the grips of NRE, you and your lover are all lovebirds and turtledoves: at social events, you will ignore everybody else and stare longingly into each others' eyes; you're seen with each other all the time - you're an "item"; hand-holding can quickly turn into giggly-heavy-petting; and the sex with this person is mind-blowing.
Language that you'll use within NRE may include colorful words like: forever, forever ever and ever, infinity, destiny, The One, The Only One, soulmates, never, always, etc. etc. ad nausium.

suffering from NRE ... you're just happy and in love. Now, NRE presents some troublesome issues in poly.
Firstly, in this emotional and mental state, you're probably not going to make the best decisions. As the Ethical Slut points out, try to avoid long-term legal agreements during this phase of a relationship: buying a house, a car, signing a lease, kids. All of this stuff has long-term ramifications, and you and your blissed-out-butt aren't exactly seeing "long-term ramifications". Hey, I'm guilty on this one: within just a month of our relationship, PF and I were out "looking" at houses together. With our kids. Yikes.
Secondly, your established partners would care to remind you that they're still there. They still love you. They're still important. They may not be the "new shiny" but they've still stuck by you for all this time and deserve just a little more attention, time, love, and respect. I think most poly partners can recognize when one of their partners are in NRE and make suitable allowances, but it can go south very quickly. You can quickly find yourself down a rabbit hole ignoring other partners which can lead to all kinds of bad. At this level, allowances and patience are thrown out the window and your pre-existing partners would insist you've "got your head up your ass". At that point it's time to wake up and start making changes. Pronto, Kemosabe.
Thirdly, there are real emotional and sexual challenges surrounding NRE. I've seen circumstances where male spouses encounter repeated and prolonged performance problems their wives after finding a new shiny. Women can also respond in similar ways - desiring a certain touch from a certain guy and nobody else will do. That kind of contention in the bedroom can be problematic. It takes a lot of talking, negotiation, and processing with all partners involved to work through these issues. It isn't easy for anybody.
Fourth, NRE is an endorphin-fueled altered state. It can be mildly addictive. Some people in poly can be described as NRE-Junkies. Either consciously or unconsciously, these are people who'll enter relationships, burn through an NRE cycle, and then - once the relationship evens-out and they're no longer getting the endorphin rush - they bow out. They dump their partner and move on to another relationship to get that high. More than just a few times will get a person noticed by a poly community and that person may become socially ostracized or, worse, they'll be flagged. Warning, warning: danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

NRE is desirable. It's expected. It's the magic found in love. But in Polyamory, it's something that's seen as both a blessing and a threat. Managing your own actions and recognizing your own compromised emotional state during NRE is a hallmark of poly processing. Working through NRE-exacerbated drama is a common theme in Polyamory communication.

consume. And force a degree of changes you never anticipated making that could be hurtful and damaging to people all around you.

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Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy (NRE)

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I've started writing a number of Poly101 articles for the blog; you may have already read my 101 on Should I Introduce Myself as Poly, Compersion, Jealousy, and Polyamory. In this article, I'll be trying to describe a complex set of emotions often expressed in Polyamory circles called New Relationship Energy.

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New relationship energy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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New relationship energy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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While the dynamics described by NRE may apply to all relationships, the term is particularly prevalent in the polyamorous community, in large part because polyamorous people will by definition experience new relationship energy alongside more settled ongoing relationships.