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Growing up, I have always valued the personal intimacy that it takes to create lasting relationships with the people around me, and naturally this intimacy requires your physical presence and emotional presence in the lives of those you  love.

But...

What happens when you, as much as you try to tell yourself you do, can't because the world is on lockdown.

I didn't know how I was going to deal with it especially when it first started and even until now, I can't help but reminisce about how much I miss my old life.

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I have NEVER considered myself a family person, and as much as I would like to be, I do not often hold too many personal and intimate experiences with the people in my family. This is mostly because growing up, the people here were often out, busy doing their own things to survive given our familial context. I really don't blame anyone for it, but this naturally lead to me personally leaning towards relying on my closest friends for support.

That is why it was very difficult for me during quarantine to find personal space, because I guess in a way, that disconnect between me and my family sparked an eagerness to get to know me, but sometimes it was just so emotionally and physically draining. They want to find out everything.

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Because I've had A LOT of time to myself, I've had some time to think. And I think something that people don't realize about me, and this is brought about by the fact that when they interact with me, I seem to be a fairly spontaneous person who wouldn't really give two damns about what anyone else says. A lot of people see me as a model of dignity and personal strength, but they don;t realize that behind that is just a fragile boy who feels so small compared to the rest of the world.

So... I overthink... A LOT.

I usually drown out my thoughts through the company of other people, but because I only have myself during a time like this, Things that I often flush out, resurface and I start to become severely insecure about myself and my capabilities as a person.

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I have ben a part of this organization my entire high school life, and when I think of things, people, or places that define my humanity, Dulaang Sibol has always been on that list. I don;t recall the last time someone's asked me "Who is Igo" without myself mentioning Sibol.

This year was a really tough year for all of us at Sibol--- I mean imagine, A theatre group, online????

But honestly, that's only what people who don't understand, say. The thing about Sibol that I know I can say with absolute confidence, because for a moment in my life when I had doubts, I wasn't a part of it, is that if you're not part of Sibol, you will not understand.

And people don't understand that although we are a performing arts organization, theatre and music are merely apostolates to reach the absolute goal, Christ. We value our relationships with one another more than anything because Christ taught that to love is to share generously what one has, what one is, even what one aspires to be, and share it with a generosity that is prodigal almost, and a recklessness that is holy.

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Not discord per se, but I guess what it represents.

This is where I spend most of my time with my friends. All the calls, kwentuhans, study sessions, and so much more, happen here, and I couldn't be any more grateful for the medium for providing me the avenue to remain connected with the people that have been a part of my life, and the people who just entered, a chance to create something lasting between us.

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I would LOOOVEEE to get into the details of how much I love the stars, but in short, i love the stars HAHAHAHAH

Its been a constant recurring theme in my life, and I guess all I can truly say is that I find solace in the fact that at the end of a long and tiring day, waiting for me is a sky full of stars I could spend an eternity feeling lost in.