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I shuffled my hand through the candy bag and found the unholiest of pieces. 

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I shuffled my hand through the candy bag and found the unholiest of pieces. 

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My natural predator, the peanut.

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“HEY SIR YOU CANT BE HERE!”

The nuclear receiver in my right pocket:

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My teacher assigned a very difficult essay which took me weeks to finish

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My teacher assigned a very difficult essay which took me weeks to finish

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She then told us an hour before the deadline, "Oh, it's not for a grade."

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The year is 3020, there is nothing but dust

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I tripped over a slab of rock, bringing my son down with me. I wept as I caught a glimpse of the child's rotting face under the overturned headstone

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I told my mom i was having a fun day at grandmas house

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I told my mom i was having a fun day at grandmas house

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my mom said your grandma is at my house

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When the nuke fell everything went dark, until light shone through the rubble piercing my eyes. I then trembled in fear to see a giant roach in my view

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The gas station clerk kept giving me funny looks through the window while I was pumping my gas.

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The gas station clerk kept giving me funny looks through the window while I was pumping my gas.

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As I pulled out of the parking lot, he held up a sign that said, “Someone got in your car.”

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“Crickey lemme go check it out” Steve replied

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I sent you a message through the mail.

Don't be too eager, or you might explode.

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The father's smile turned eerily joyful, its lips separating so far that the face split open, blood spurting onto my forehead. As I looked up, my creator opened its mouth and began to nibble on my ear "Time to come home".

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The father's smile turned eerily joyful, its lips separating so far that the face split open, blood spurting onto my forehead. As I looked up, my creator opened its mouth and began to nibble on my ear "Time to come home".

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We were about to leave the grocery store. Then my mom saw her friend.

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We were about to leave the grocery store. Then my mom saw her friend.

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“You aren’t allowed to have a tiger for a pet it’s dangerous” he said.

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“You aren’t allowed to have a tiger for a pet it’s dangerous” he said.

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The fully loaded glock 19 in my pocket:

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I was babysitting one night when the kid asked me where the new statue in his room came from. It blinked in reply.

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I came home from school and was greeted by my fathers smiling face.
His body was nowhere to be found.

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I wake up to my daughter screaming, this is a constant thing every night. I approach her grave I plead for her to stop.

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I knew as soon as I saw her I would make her mine.

Under the florescent lights of the embalming room I had never seen a more beautiful woman.

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Her mouth was stained red after eating the cupcake. The cupcake's frosting was blue.

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Her mouth was stained red after eating the cupcake. The cupcake's frosting was blue.

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I was enjoying a lovely day walking around Target...

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I was enjoying a lovely day walking around Target...

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when suddenly, I started seeing all my high school classmates.

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I approached Satans throne, horns on his head and a ring of fire around his crown; he towered over me, instilling a deep primordial fear that froze my veins and turned my muscles to mush. He opens his mouth, his breath a hot and putrid wind that seems to burn my skin,  “My son Ricky just started first grade, now time for a test worth 80% of your grade.”

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The villagers told me to go outside to kill the thieving monster.

But all I saw was a man trying to find anything to mend his broken heart.

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I am in a room, in a structure, in a miserable place; I can't stand it here but I am not trapped - the door is unlocked.

I simply prefer the familiarity of this room to the uncertainty of what is outside.

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I asked my girlfriend to show me how she really feels.

She walked out without saying a word.