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Are you tired of the monotony of life? Are you an overweight neckbeard with a fedora? Good News! You can make an atheism channel on Youtube!

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Are you overweight and need to lose weight to be popular? Try bulimia! All the cool kids are doing it!

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Is your neighbor's dog too loud at night? Well good news! Just feed him some chocolate! That will shut him up!

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Are you a cop who wishes you could be above the law? Well, Good news! You already are! Just break some laws and get minor penalties!

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Are you joining Upward Bound? Do you think that you should be able to go onto both men and women's floors at will? Good news! You can call yourself some made up Tumblr gender and move anywhere!

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Do you think western culture is horrible because someone called your opinion stupid? Good news! ISIS is always recruiting!

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Are you a minority who hates white people and needs a stage to say only white people are racist? Good news! Black Lives Matter will allow you to not only spew your racist speech, but will also let you burn, loot and break stuff in the process!

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Are you just an average white guy who needs a home? Go to a liberal arts college! They will happily accept a new initiate to brainwash!

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Is there a ISIS terrorist in your city causing some casualties? Well, if you are part of the regressive left, apologize for your whiteness as he slits your throat! OH YEA!

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Are you a failure in life who has contributed nothing to the world? Good News! You can get a Gender Studies degree at any college!

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Having trouble opening a jar of pickles? Do I have a tip for you! First, grab some water. Then, boil the water. Place your hand into the scalding hot water. Your hand should now be dry enough to grip the cap!

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Are you tired of life and want a break? Do you need some excitement? Just cover your face in black paint and walk into the suburbs. That will get your blood pumping!

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Are the other candidates for president horrible? Do you think that every person must vote third party? Good news! Jill Stein is there for you! Just start believing that WiFi destroys children's brains!

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Are you bored in school? Did your friends leave you because your a pathetic excuse for a human? What do you think fire alarms are for!?

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Are you face to face with someone who disagrees with you on a political topic? Well, Good news! Here in (current year) screaming like a harpy is a form of legitimate protest!

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Do you "listen and believe" to fox news? Do you think vaccines cause autism? Good news! There is a presidential candidate for you!

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Are you a Baby Boomer who failed to get you social security money because your generation was churned out faster than dead children at a Chinese factory? Good news! Just blame it on the Millennials!

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Are you a millennial who blindly follows others like you? Well, good news! That Bernie Sanders guy will make the world better in every way! In no way possible could he fail to live up to expectations!

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Are you in deep debt with the IRS, or any sort of government? Good News! You can just abandon your country! They can't follow you there!

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Are you a hardcore right wing christian who can't stand that the world is changing without you? Well, good news! Just adopt Scientology! Those loons will make you feel like the world is at a standstill!

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Are you a pathetic white knight with white guilt in an attempt to get laid? Well, all I can say is get laid.

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Are you running for president and need people to think you are a strong person? Get pneumonia and ignore it until you have a seizure in public!

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Are you hungry and you have nothing to eat? Fun fact: Mother nature is a bountiful food bowl! Just go outside and eat any plant or berry you see!

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Are you lonely at night because you are an overweight neckbearded shell of a man that can't get a woman? Well good news! Japan sells large pillows with girls printed o

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Are you a severely overweight person? DO you not get enough attention from attractive men? Well, Just start screaming Patriarchy! Some White knight will come ti your aid!

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Are you to fat to get the remote on the table? Well, your in a pickle now! But Life Hacks are here for you! Just summon the Demons of Selzar! Those guys will do anything for you!

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Feeling like you don't matter? Good news! Get cancer! Now everybody will pay attention to you!

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Are you a millennial who needs a scapegoat for all of your problems and shortcomings? Join Feminism! You can then blame the imaginary Patriarchy for all of your problems!

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Are the stresses of life too much for you? Are you irrationally fearful of people? Well, good news! You can run away from the world! Just abandon your home and join the growing missing persons list!

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Got someone that likes you, but you don't like them back? Just make them feel like they are in a relationship, then make an excuse that will break their heart! That will show them!

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Feeling like you don't matter in life? Well, adopt one of Tumblr's 70 Genders, and make certain to get offended at people who don't agree with your demi-pan-flux-penta Gender!

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Are you insecure about yourself? So much so that you need constant attention? Well, no more worries! Bring the largest stuffed animal you can everywhere with you! Make certain to snuggle it loudly. I assure you, you will never get negative attention again

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Having trouble with a test at school? Little do people know, you can write on your skin! Copy those equations which will never effect your adult life onto your arms! OH YEA!

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Can't get those pearly whites?! Just start brushing with steel bristles. That will surely get those pesky stained layers off!

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Do you need to feel better about yourself? Well, do I have a fix for you! First, get some chocolate. Then, find a Blanket. Grab your dog and blanket. Feed the dog the chocolate and watch as all other problems fade away! OH YEA!

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Are you cold in the winter time? Bring a comforter to school! I guarantee nobody will give you odd looks!

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Do you ever feel like you are being watched in class? Little known fact, you can stage a mental breakdown and leave to the student services room! Now nobody is judging you!

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Tired of doing your laundry so you can wear revealing clothes to make you get attention even though you say you don't need it? Well, worry no more! Just let your clothes soak in Bleach over night! That will kill all the germs! OH YEA!

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If someone makes fun of you, oh boy do you need to get your angst out! Never mind your easily offended nature cases you to be an easy target. Just start crying, and soon both you and the bully will be reprimanded! OH YEA!

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Create a Tumblr, so when you inevitably get emotionally hurt in any marginal manner, you can cry about it there!