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I love how you told us the setting.I think you should add some imagery though.For example tell us what the haunted house looks like

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I thought that the begininng was good but maybe you can add some more sensory detail. Also you should add more details and emotion to add the imagery for the reader. I love the topic too.

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Describe more of your friend and how you got lost in the first place. 

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Describe more of your friend and how you got lost in the first place. 

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I like how you tell us the setting.When you are writing though put in some imagery.

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okay  so I like that you told me where you were and what time it was good but add some more detail i want to know what made you and paul so scared I think that  with some work this story could be great!!!

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IT is good but put more detail about the setting and the 5 sences

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IT is good but put more detail about the setting and the 5 sences

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I like the way you wrote the lead. I think you could details to the lead. Also I liked how you wrote the setting.

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I liked the setting idea and emotions but it could use a lot more vivid verbs and sensory details to make it sound a little bit better. Also the emotion was good but the words could be a bit better than the words you used. Also try to add some ba da bing.

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I like how you used interesting words.But maybe you could add some Ba Da Bing. Then it would expand your moment and make it interesting.For example you could describe what was in the haunted house

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Jayce S> I think you could've added more Ba Da Bing to the hook. I like it so far but it can be even better. Also you can add a little vivid verbs. Also the setting I think can be more descriptive

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Jayce S> I think you could've added more Ba Da Bing to the hook. I like it so far but it can be even better. Also you can add a little vivid verbs. Also the setting I think can be more descriptive

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Your story sounds like a really good and instresting topic. It could be even better if you worked on sensory details and really describing exactly what happened. I liked how you used transitions, but you could try using more of them in your story. If you work on these things your story will be awesome! I cant wait to see how you have improved

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I like how you gave setting but some detail in the end. The last sentence .

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I liked how the author described his emotions. His emotions made me think of a haunted house. He could use better sensory details and the author could work on his Ba Da Bing.

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I think the details could be better in some parts of the sentences. Also I think the crying sentence could have used more vivid verbs. A part you could grow on is the imagery as well. otherwise it was super good$$$$$.

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I really liked the first sentence but if you describe the haunted house more to create imagery. Also when you said your friend was crying hard maybe you can describe how he looked and sounded while he was crying.  When you were looking for your friends in the story maybe you can add some vivid verbs to make the story more descriptive. Also when you heard the screaming describe your actions after you heard it

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I love the suspense you put in, but I think there could be some more sensory details. What did the haunted house look like

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This is good setting I can kind of visualize it. I think you should add something into the first sentence like,"I walked into a death defining creepy, haunted house."
Also I think you should add a BA-DA-BING! to it to. I think you could describe Paul cry like," I saw the tears running down his face and his red teary eyes as I saw why he was crying."

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You had pretty good vivid verbs in the lead, but you can work on making the haunted house interesting enough that we can have a good picture in our head. You should add more Ba Da Bing to the story and add more transition words to move the story along.Other then that you did an amazing job:)

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Your story was great. But I think you should add more details to your story. Try saying what the haunted house looked like. Or what you were doing when you were scared.  Try to expand the moment so I can picture your story in my head by using the 5 senses. For example, describe what you heard, saw, feel, smelled, or touched

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I liked your story but it could use some more detail and sensory language at the end ,but overall it was a nice job!

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I like the  setting and plot.But i think you can add more detailed words to make it grab  the readers eyes and make them want to read more.This will make it way better.

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This is so good but you need to get a more descriptive. you looked like you were in a rush so you need to take your time. You also could use  more talking

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Read this hook, and then add your comment to the writer.

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Read this hook, and then add your comment to the writer.

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Focus on how it engaged you as a reader, but write it in a way that would BENEFIT the author and SUPPORT growth as a writer.

I walked into a haunted house one evening. I heard screaming, and I became scared. I wondered where my friends were. All of a sudden, Paul was right next to me, and he was crying really hard.