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So true!!!! Out with the old in with the new!!!!!

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Step #5 Out with the old and in with the new! Replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones can change everything. Unhealthy responses whether it be cognitive or physical can become to much and can overtake our actions and emotions.

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Changing Negative Thoughts

Unpleasant experiences are a natural part of life. And some of them have benefits. Sorrow can tenderize your heart, hardship can make you stronger, and anger can energize you to deal with mistreatment. Further, if you resist unpleasant experiences, this blocks their flow through your mind and body, and they stick around. If you go negative on the negative, you just have more negative.

But when unpleasant experiences become negative material stored in your brain, that's not good. Negative material has negative consequences. It darkens your mood, increases anxiety and irritability, and gives you a background sense of inadequacy. The desires and inclinations in it take you to bad places. It can numb you and muzzle you. Or it can make you overreact to others, which can create vicious circles of negativity. Negative material impacts your body, wears down long-term mental and physical health, and can potentially shorten your lifespan.

Overall, negative material in your brain is like a strong current continually tugging you toward the reactive mode. The good news is you can actually change it, even to the point of clearing it out entirely.

Two Methods for Changing Negative Material

If something other than negative material is also present in awareness, it is represented by its own coalition of synapses. The two coalitions start linking together, since neurons that fire together, wire together. Therefore, you can deliberately be aware of both positive and negative material, so that the positive will connect with the negative. In effect, strongly positive thoughts and feelings will begin weaving their way into the negative material. When the negative material leaves awareness to be reconsolidated in neural structure, it will tend to take some of these positive links with it. When the negative material is next reactivated, it will also tend to bring along some of these positive associations, these positive thoughts and feelings.

1. Overwrite the Negative

Let's say you had a minor argument with a friend. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but you know rationally that you two will be all right. Still, you can't stop worrying about it. So what you could do is to be aware, at the same time, of both your anxiety and a feeling of being cared about by the other person. Keep making the positive feelings stronger than the negative ones while being aware of both of them at once. After a dozen or more seconds, let the anxiety go and stay with the feeling of being cared about for another dozen seconds or so. If the worry about the relationship returns, it could be a little (or a lot) milder as a result of this brief practice. And as with any mental practice, the more you do it, the greater its impact on your brain. This is the first method for using positive material to reduce negative material.

Still, as beneficial as this infusion of positive into negative is, research indicates that it can sometimes merely "overwrite" the negative material without actually erasing it, like a pretty picture painted on top of a grim older one. When negative material is overwritten, it might return with a vengeance if the right trigger is present. Or it could be easier to reacquire down the road.

To deal with these potential weaknesses of overwriting negative material with positive material, new research is pointing to a second method for reducing negative material: certain psychological protocols literally erase negative associations in neural structure, rather than just overwriting them. Here's how it works. Negative material is often associated with a neutral "trigger." Suppose that in your childhood you had a male sports coach who was loud, critical, and scary. In this case, male authority-a neutral trigger, since male authority is not inherently negative-became connected in your brain to experiences of fear and humiliation (negative material). If so, these days you might still feel uncomfortable around a male authority figure at work even though you know intellectually that he's not going to treat you like your coach did when you were young. How can you break the chain that ties the neutral trigger to the negative material?

In your brain, there's a "window of reconsolidation" that lasts at least an hour that you can use to do this. For at least an hour after the negative material has been activated and then left awareness, repeatedly bringing to mind the neutral trigger while feeling only neutral or positive (for roughly a dozen seconds or longer) will disrupt the reconsolidation of the negative associations to the neutral trigger in neural structure, even reducing amygdala activation related to the neutral trigger.

Working with the example here of a male authority figure, you could use both methods for reducing negative material. First, hold in mind a strong sense of self-worth along with a memory in the background of awareness of being embarrassed by the coach when you were young; in doing this, you're consciously linking positive and negative material. Second, after letting go of the painful memory, for a few times over the next hour or so, be aware of only neutral or positive things-such as a feeling of worth-while also bringing to mind the idea of male authority or a memory or an image of a male authority figure that you know (the neutral trigger) for a dozen seconds or longer.

You could use this method in your everyday activities as well. Just before a meeting with a man who is an authority figure, you could link in awareness both the strong sense of worth and the painful memory of the sports coach. Then, during the meeting with the man, re-access the sense of worth several times with no reference to the old memory of your coach. You could also try this approach in a lower-key way, such as by simply watching the male authority figure across a room while repeatedly renewing your sense of worth.

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Changing Negative Thoughts - Dr. Rick Hanson

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Unpleasant experiences are a natural part of life. And some of them have benefits. Sorrow can tenderize your heart, hardship can make you stronger, and anger can energize you to deal with mistreatment. Further, if you resist unpleasant experiences, this blocks their flow through your mind and body, and they stick around.

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Step #4 Avoid saying, "Yes but." The word "Yes" has a big impact on the outcome of any conversation. Adding the word, "But" after the word "Yes" can open the door to self doubt. Which is the last thing you want.

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What would happen if we all just stopped? If we could just for one day, one hour, or minute just stop to listen to one another? Could we listen with an open heart and really acknowledge what someone else is saying? Not with a "yes, but..." ready to go, that tells our friend or fellow citizen that we aren't truly listening, that we still want to prove them wrong and ourselves right. Just listen silently and allow their feelings to matter and be enough.

This week, following the latest in a seemingly endless series of heartbreaking violence and loss, a friend of mine wrote an essay about tensions between the black community and the police. My friend is an African American woman who has spent her adult life working for causes of social justice, mostly for LGBT citizens. She is respected nationwide for her outstanding work, and I've said many times that she is one of the most articulate and intelligent people I've ever known.

I say all of this, not to flatter her or to build her up for anyone's benefit. I say this because, for all the years of friendship, knowing so many things about each other's lives, work and families, I feel as if I have truly listened to her story and feel it in my heart for the first time.

I read her unflinchingly honest assessment of my profession and my heart hurt. I wanted to stop, to turn away, to say, "yes, but..."

Then, I realized that I had no choice. As painful as the critical analysis was, she had infused the piece with such personal experiences that my discomfort became necessary. A necessary part of understanding my friend viscerally for the first time. She told of her great-grandfather's lynching, aided by the county sheriff, and I sadly recalled the night she was injured during an unnecessary arrest early in our friendship. Her crime being a black lesbian speaking out for justice.

This is a person who might have every reason to join some group advocating for anti-cop rhetoric, but no. She takes us to task frankly and without apology, because we need to hear these truths. But then my friend does something amazing in our world of taunts and jabs and blame--she offers thoughtful, balanced solutions, that address realities on both sides. That's what a real leader is supposed to do. I cannot be anything but humbled by her words and I urge you to read them as well.

So, I am sharing my friend's thoughts because they matter. I don't have to understand completely how she feels; I can't because I cannot walk in her shoes. But, I share them because they are her truth and her truth is enough.

There is no "yes, but..."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nadine-smith/saving-lives-black-and-bl_b_10950716.html

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What would happen if we all just stopped? If we could just for one day, one hour, or minute just stop to listen to one another? Could we listen with an open heart and really acknowledge what someone else is saying? Not with a "yes, but..."

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Step #3 Avoid the negative people in your life! If you are surrounded by negative thinker no one you are to! Break ties with the negative people in your life, but if you are in a situation were you can't. Start making an effort to hang out with them less. This will set you up for success later down the road!

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What is the single biggest determinant of your happiness?

The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty, or power. Rather, it is how others-particularly those closest to you such as friends, family, and colleagues-treat you. When people close to you are nice to you, you can't help but feel happy; when they mistreat you or avoid you, you are bound to be unhappy.

The reason our happiness depends so much on the quality of our relationships is that we are supremely social creatures (as revealed in this humorous video). Evidence of our social nature is all around us. We care so much about what others think of us that, as some of my findings show, we would rather experience an unpleasant event (watch a bad movie) with those who share our negative opinions about the event than experience a pleasant event (watch our favorite team win) in the company of those who disagree with us. Our social nature is also the reason why being in love is one of the most cherished experiences and why isolation-the extreme form of which is solitary confinement-is rated, by those who were unfortunate to endure it, one of life's most grueling experiences.

What all of this means is that it can be excruciatingly difficult to deal with negative people-people who bring your mood down with their pessimism, anxiety, and general sense of distrust. Imagine being constantly discouraged from pursuing your dreams because "very few people make it big." Or imagine being constantly warned against learning a new skill-like Scuba diving or horseback riding-because "it's too dangerous." Likewise, imagine being routinely exposed to negative judgments about other people ("I can't believe you told our neighbors that you failed your driving test-now they'll never respect you"). Constant exposure to such negativity can make deep inroads into your bank of positivity, leading you to either become negative-diffident, anxious, and distrustful-yourself, or to become indifferent, uncaring, or even mean towards the negative person.

So, how does one deal with negative people?

One obvious solution is to walk away from them. But this is easier said than done; while we could always walk away from the bartender with a bad attitude or the airline agent with an anger- management problem, we can't walk away from a parent, sibling, spouse, colleague, or friend with a negative attitude.

A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. In brief, almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that "bad things" are going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that "the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean."

It is easy to see how, from the perspective of someone operating from such fears, it makes sense to question the wisdom of pursuing dreams (failure seems all but guaranteed) and to be averse to taking risks even if it is obvious that doing so is necessary to learn and grow. It is also easy to see why people with these fears would find it difficult to trust other people.

The fears that negative people harbor manifest themselves in a variety of ways, including:

A thin skin or the proclivity to take umbrage at others' comments-"you look good today" is interpreted as, "you mean, I didn't look good yesterday?"

Judgmentalism, or the tendency to impute negative motivations to others' innocent actions; thus, guests who don't compliment a meal are judged as "uncouth brutes who don't deserve future invitations."

Diffidence: A sense of helplessness about one's ability to deal with life's challenges, leading to anxiety in facing those challenges, and to shame or guilt when the challenges are not met.

Demanding nature: Although negative people are diffident about their own abilities, they nevertheless put pressure on close-others to succeed and "make me proud" and "not let me down."

Pessimism, or the tendency to believe that the future is bleak; thus, for example, negative people can more readily think of ways in which an important sales call will go badly than well.

Risk aversion, especially in social settings. This leads to reluctance to divulge any information that could be "used against me," ultimately leading to boring conversations and superficial relationships.

The need to control others'-especially close-others'-behaviors. For example, negative people have strong preferences on what and how their children should eat, what type of car their spouse should drive, and so on.

Notice a common feature across all of these manifestations of negativity: the tendency to blame external factors-other people, the environment, or luck-rather than oneself, for one's negative attitudes. Thus, negative people tend to think, If only people realized my true worth. If only people were nicer and the world wasn't fraught with danger. If only my friends, relatives, and colleagues behaved like I want them to, then I'd be happy.

At first blush, it might seem paradoxical that negative people can simultaneously feel diffident about themselves and feel entitled to others' respect and love. Similarly, it may seem paradoxical that negative people feel pessimistic about their own future and yet goad others to succeed. But of course, there's no paradox here. It's precisely because negative people don't feel respected and loved enough, and don't feel sufficiently in control of their own life that they demand others' respect and love, and seek to control others.

Looked at from this perspective, their negativity is a thinly disguised cry for help. Of course, negative people do themselves no favors by being needy and controlling-they'd be far more successful in getting the respect, love, and control they crave if they realized how self-defeating their neediness and desire for control is-but that doesn't take away the fact that negative people need help.

A straightforward, but ultimately unproductive way of helping negative people is to give them the respect, love, and control they crave. However, this could be a slippery slope because people adapt to the new levels of respect, love, and control they get and thus, you may find yourself in the position of having to provide increasing levels of respect, love, and control to keep the negative person happy. Put differently, by fulfilling their desires, you may be creating a Frankenstein that comes back to haunt you worse than ever.

An alternative solution is to get the negative people to see the sources of their negativity and make them realize that their negativity has more to do with their attitude than with the objective state of the world. However, as I discussed in another article, people don't respond well to critical feedback, and those feeling negative almost definitely won't be open to listening-let alone accepting-critical feedback.

This means that there are really only three other options left. First, you can grit your teeth and accept the negativity and hope that things will improve. The second is to seek the help of a counselor or an arbiter (a common friend), and hope that a "third party" perspective will help the negative person recognize that their negativity isn't helping anyone.

Both of these options, however, are unlikely to fix the problem. In the case of gritting your teeth and hoping that the negative person becomes more positive over time, your passivity may be taken as a sign of acceptance that their negativity is justified. Over time, this may lead to increasing demands on you and, if you fail to deliver on these demands, increasing complaints about you.

The caveat with going to a third-party is that negative people often have a way of walking away feeling even more indignant and wronged-"everyone, including my own friends, is against me!" Even if the third-party manages to get the negative person to see how their negativity is unproductive, it is unlikely to change things. This is because merely recognizing one's negativity is not sufficient; it's important to fix the sub-conscious thought-patterns that underlie the negativity.

This brings me to the final and, in my opinion, most tenable option for dealing with negative people. In a nutshell, this option involves three elements: compassion for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness despite the other person's negativity, and maturity in how you interact with the negative person.

The compassionate element involves rarely-if ever-advising the negative person about changing their behavior. It also involves never lecturing or preaching to them about the sources of their negativity. As already mentioned, most of us are not good at taking negative and critical feedback and negative people are particularly averse to such feedback. Now, it may be difficult for you to not react in some way to the negative person, especially if their negativity is getting to you. However, remember that "getting it off your chest" is only going to escalate the problem and is not going to fix it. It may help to remember that, while you have to deal with the negative person for only some time, they have to deal with themselves all the time. This recognition should help you respond-or not respond, in this case-to them with compassion.

The second element-of taking personal responsibility for your own positivity-involves doing what it takes to protect your own happiness. If you cannot maintain your positivity and composure, then all is lost. In another article, I had suggested some tips for taking personal responsibility for your own happiness. In a nutshell, it involves adopting a set of more positive attitudes, but that alone may not be enough to deal with a constant onslaught of negativity; you may have to take time away from the negative person regularly to maintain your composure. Of course, if you do take time away from them, it would be important to come up with an appropriate "cover story" for it-you don't want the negative person to feel that you are avoiding her.

The final element-of being mature-involves understanding that the most reliable way to steer the negative person towards positivity is to manifest the positivity yourself. For instance, blaming the negative person for making you feel negative is not going to help; indeed, it would be particularly ironic if you advised the negative person to "stop blaming others for your negativity" if you are blaming them for bringing your mood down!

But, how exactly do you manifest positive attitudes that you want the negative person to exhibit without crossing over into being preachy or judgmental?

The trick is to act, as far as possible, like a person who is fully secure. That is, act like someone who is respected and loved by others, and in control of the important aspects of their life. This means: do not let the other's negativity curtail your natural inclination to pursue your dreams, take healthy risks, and trust others. However, do not take such actions to spite the negative person or to prove a point; rather, tap into the space of authenticity from which it seems natural to behave in a spontaneous, positive, and trusting manner. Then, when the negative person makes the skeptical or cynical comment-as he or she inevitably will-take the time to explain why you chose to act as you did.

For instance, if the negative person warns you of the futility of pursuing your dreams, let him know that you feel differently about your chances, or tell her calmly that you would rather than take the chance and fail than not try at all. Likewise, if the negative person warns you of the dire consequences of taking what you think is a healthy risk, tell him calmly, "we will see what happens." Hopefully-if you are calibrated accurately-you will emerge unhurt, and with enhanced skills. Over time, the negative person will recognize that, while your predilection for taking risks may be higher than his or her own, you are not reckless. And finally, if the negative person chastises you for trusting people too much, ask her calmly to recount instances in which you have been taken advantage of on account of your trusting nature. (Hopefully, there won't be any such instances and if there are a few, it may mean that the negative person is right-perhaps you are more trusting than you should be.) You could also calmly point out what research shows: it is important to trust people to form deep and meaningful relationships. (Hopefully, you have more deep and meaningful friendships that the negative person does.)

Although it may take a long time for you to see any results, they will occur; the pace of change will likely be glacial, but whatever change occurs will be relatively permanent. The fact is, people like being around positive people, so the negative person will, even if only grudgingly, have to appreciate your positive outlook and attitudes. People also like feeling positive themselves. So, as the negative person absorbs positivity from your presence, he will like himself better, and this hopefully will lead to a virtuous cycle of greater trust in others and optimism about the future.

As you may have realized by now, dealing with negative people also takes humility. The fact that you find it difficult to deal with others' negativity suggests that there is a seed of negativity in you. If you didn't feel constricted or deflated by others' negativity-if you were fully secure in how you view yourself-you wouldn't find the company of negative people to be aversive. Realizing that you have to work on fixing your own negativity even as you are helping another person deal with their negativity will help you gain the compassion, positivity, and maturity that is needed for this tricky, but ultimately satisfying, endeavor.

Best of luck!

Interested in these topics? Go here.

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What is the single biggest determinant of your happiness? The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty, or power. Rather, it is how others-particularly those closest to you such as friends, family, and colleagues-treat you.

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Step #2 Balance your fears with facts! Living in constant fear is exhausting. With each fear there is a fact. Start asking yourself. "What results do I need to see to move to the next step?"

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Anybody who has ever been to a financial adviser knows the drill. The adviser begins by asking you to fill out a questionnaire, aimed at getting at a key measure: your appetite for risk. By knowing how much risk you're able to tolerate, the adviser knows how much you're willing to lose to get where you want to go.

The adviser can then construct a portfolio that reflects your risk tolerance.

Pretty...

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Your Tolerance for Investment Risk Is Probably Not What You Think

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Anybody who has ever been to a financial adviser knows the drill. The adviser begins by asking you to fill out a questionnaire, aimed at getting at a key measure: your appetite for risk. By knowing how much risk you're able to tolerate, the adviser knows how much you're willing to lose to get where you want to go.

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Step #1 Have a flexible plan! Life is a box chocolates you never know what you're going to get. We cant be perfect around the clock. Acknowledge the unexpected curve balls and move forward. Success is yours for the taking!

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Despite your best efforts in your personal or professional life, you must always expect the unexpected. No matter what curveballs life throws your way, it's up to you take your best shot.

Unless you've managed to get through life unscathed so far, you know the key word here is when, not if. In fact, in the game of life, we can expect to get hit with a few curveballs - I certainly have - some are just faster or harder than others. So the question is: what are you going to do and how are you going to react when life takes an unexpected turn? Rather than accepting defeat, I invite you to step up to the plate and accept the challenge. Here are my 10 tips on how you can hit that curveball out of the park!

Think Like a Mouse - Ever watch a mouse make its way through a maze to find the cheese? The little critter has one goal in mind - to get it's tiny little paws on the delicious dairy treat, no matter what. When it hits a wall, it doesn't turn around and go home. It doesn't flop on the floor and cry, it doesn't look up to the sky and ask WHY? Nope, the little guy keeps poking around until his determination and hard work lead him to the promised prize. So think like a mouse and STAY IN MOTION! Don't let a setback set you too far back. Trust your instincts, keep pushing forward, and use the momentum to help you find your way. It's so much easier than to fall back and start from zero.

Remember Your Purpose - You set out on a particular path with a purpose. Whether you have a specific goal you are trying to reach, or a responsibility that you have to fulfill, chances are you're driven by a purpose. Staying focused on the "why" will help keep you focused and motivated to forge ahead. Remember there is more than one path to success and a detour can still lead you to your destination.

Share Your Struggles - I know what you're thinking, "I have enough to deal with why in the world would I want to highlight that I've been pegged by a curveball?" The answer is simple. By sharing and being open about struggles or setbacks, we open ourselves up to suggestions from others, which can only be of benefit. Seek advice from trusted experts, colleagues, mentors or close friends and family members, who truly care about your success. Go online and research others who may have experienced similar experiences as yours and it might just help you to find a better path or solution.

Reflect, Reassess, Revise - When the unexpected happens in any situation in life, it's best to avoid a knee-jerk reaction. The more beneficial response will come with a rational, clear head. Stop, take a breath, and reflect on the situation. Was it in or out of your control? If it was within your control, reassess your plan and revise to include the necessary adjustments to help you be better prepared to get across the finish line or handle the next curveball.

Stay Positive! - Multiple studies have proven that pessimism can negatively affect your health. The Mayo Clinic sites that, "The positive thinking that usually comes with optimism is a key part of effective stress management." No doubt, stress and chaos go hand in hand so if you want to keep a bad situation from getting worse, stay positive. It will not only make it a better overall experience, but it will also help you stay open to identifying opportunities for growth and improvement.

Ask Productive Questions - Let me be clear, "Why did this happen to me?" isn't one of them. But since you'll ask, the simple answer to that is, "Stuff happens." Instead focus on questions that will produce results, such as:

What can I do to recover from this setback?

What did I learn from this experience?

What can I do in the future to avoid a reoccurrence?

Take Responsibility - While it's always easier on our egos to blame external sources for our pitfalls in life, it doesn't solve anything. Redirecting responsibility is counterproductive to problem solving and relinquishes our control of the situation. The last thing you want to do is lose control! Instead, take a good honest look at the situation and regroup. Accept responsibility where you can, don't get fixated on things out of your control, keep your head in the game and move forward.

Don't Take it Personally - It's so easy to take offense to situations that don't go our way. Try to remember that sometimes a no is just a no, we can't always win and sometimes good things come to an end. Rather than wallowing in rejection or taking offense, try the following:

Turn a "NO" into the "Next Opportunity"

Consider a FAIL, a "First Attempt in Learning"

When you think it's the END, remember that "Effort Never Dies"

Know When to Let it Go - This can be difficult, usually due to pride. Nobody wants to admit defeat. However, you must pick your battles in life. Some things are worth fighting for and others, not so much. Decide if it is your ego keeping your boxing gloves on or your belief in what you are fighting for. Then decide if it's really worth the energy and effort that could be redirected toward a more effective and worthy solution or purpose.

Despite your best efforts in your personal or professional life, you must always expect the unexpected. No matter what life throws your way, it's up to you take your best shot.
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it.' - Maya Angelou
What strategy have you used to deal with life's curveballs? I'd love to see what has worked for you by sharing in the comments below.
Craig Nabat, the CEO of iRestore and Freedom Laser Therapy, is a "relentless" entrepreneur and inventor who has spent his life taking his ideas from concept to reality. From inventing laser therapy to help people quit smoking to leveraging the iRestore, an FDA-cleared laser hair loss medical device, so people can protect and regrow their hair, Craig has been driven by powerful desire to pursue his dreams and help others at the same time. To learn more, visit irestorelaser.com or follow on Facebook at iRestore Hair Growth System or Twitter at @irestorelaser.

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How to Stay in the Game When Life Throws You a Curveball

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Unless you've managed to get through life unscathed so far, you know the key word here is when, not if. In fact, in the game of life, we can expect to get hit with a few curveballs - I certainly have - some are just faster or harder than others.