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One point that was discussed in the lecture that stuck with me was the concept of the "Front Stage" and the "Backstage" and the idea of impression management. It was mentioned how a balance between the front stage and the faces that you show people and the lax version of yourself is safe is important. I certainly did not showcase that growing up. I constantly thought about how i should present myself as an individual to people and i always would think about how they would perceive me if ever i did something that was "out of character". I can sadly say in confidence that i did not have a safe space in my head, even if i did have constant reassurance from my closest friends and even from my mother sometimes.

As for the impression management, it wasn't managed at all. I got to that point in my life where i was obsessed with what people saw me as or how people perceived me to be. I needed people to know me as to be the funny, nice, put-together girl that had good grades and was good at everything. It got to very extreme and drastic measures that I really don't want to look back at at the moment in fear of spiraling down.

But now that I'm older, I am slowly finding the offstage of my theater. I feel more free and like I have more air to breathe in. I have accepted my flaws, not all yet though but we're slowly getting there. I just want to do better for me in this chapter of my life and hopefully for the rest of my living breathing years.

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trying to dissect myself is probably the hardest thing i will ever have to do in my entire life.

growing up, i always believed that i have to be the best or one of the best at everything that i do. at first it was fun for me and i liked being good at things. i enjoyed enriching myself with experience at a young age. it then came to a point where i felt like eyes were always surrounding me, that people were, and probably still are, watching my every move and that i have to do good not for myself but rather to meet the satisfaction of the people watching me. as the years went on, i was led to believe that if don’t do good, my mother will be very disappointed in me and out of all the things that could happen in this world, hurting and disappointing my mother is the last thing i would want to do. it became hard to keep up with the expectations people around me had of me and at some point in my life, probably a few years ago, it became exhausting.

over the years, i’ve learned to hide that exhaustion and keep that negative energy away from the world and the people that i care about. i’ve made it a habit to always introduce myself as the person filled with energy, happiness, and joy, maika. but in the process, it slowly decayed me, ate away my soul like a dementor.

i don’t want to go into detail about how the exhaustion that then turned into sadness almost ate me alive, but i have come to terms with myself now that im in college that i’ll never meet everyone’s expectations, not even my own mother’s. the only important expectations are of my own and it felt so good to finally accept that. after so long i can finally take a deep breath.

i wish i could tell my younger self that it will get better, it just takes time.

to: maika

it will be okay. im proud of you.

from: maika

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𝔒𝔭𝔢𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔬𝔬𝔯 𝔱𝔬 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔐𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔠 𝔖𝔥𝔬𝔭

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𝔒𝔭𝔢𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔬𝔬𝔯 𝔱𝔬 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔐𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔠 𝔖𝔥𝔬𝔭

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To turn the fears into euphoria, we must open the door, unlock it, and into the magic shop.

Goffman gave us a framework. How do we present ourselves to our audiences, to the people we meet, to people we are comfortable with, and most especially, to ourselves.

He gave us a theatre; a front stage and a backstage.

My profile emphasizes the importance of impression management, that it’s not necessarily bad or pretentious. It’s just the way we are when we adapt to a nature or environment that we’re not that immersed with yet.

Although I cannot assure the complete balance in my own tripartite dimensions of the self, I know that as I go on, I learn to manage myself better. I know I have problems with my superiority complex, that I can be sometimes narcissistic, or even the fact that sometimes, I can’t help but please the people around me. But even so, I make sure not to neglect my spiritual self through introspection, just like I did in my caption.

That way, from social interactions, from self-awareness and consciousness, I can internalize these and contribute, as well as immerse them to my own identity.

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“I opened my heart and found that my heart had the ability to connect with every other heart it met.” - James R. Doty

I know you. I know how much stays in the cage and how much is perceived.
I’ve been with, always and forever.

From the day you became conscious, I’ve seen every moment you’ve experienced, the laughter, the pain, the indifference, and the anger. You were never the type to believe that people could be categorized, you hated unnecessary barriers. I mean, even you, yourself, don’t use the prescribed gender pronouns, you non-cis creature (haha). That’s people think you’re indecisive, when in fact you try to approximate things.

That’s why you find it so hard to answer the question: Who am I?

Really, who are you? A good person? A striking character? A mischievous one? Or what?

Nada. It’s always been multi-faceted, complex, and intersectionality-based. You try to not fit into stereotypes, deviate from societal norms, and you try to be deontological in a world full of consequentialists. At this point, it’s your daily struggle to prove and establish what makes you ‘YOU’. You are afraid of being the rat that followed the pied piper, and that’s completely in your nature.

There are more than a hundred thousand adjectives in the (English) dictionary but if you were to choose one, it would be “versatile”. ᴛʜᴇ ᴠᴇʀꜱᴀᴛɪʟɪᴛʏ ᴏꜰ ʏꜱʜɪᴀ ᴍᴀʀɪᴇ. You have many faces, many interests, many attributes, skills, and talents. You’re indescribable. Every interaction you make with other people, you share a piece of you and you get shared with a piece of them too.

The fact that you change your behavior depending on your audience is not being two-faced. In any form of communication, we are actors in a set-up stage, adapting to our audience in a way that we could be understood. You speak in languages that cannot be written, you speaking “YOU”, whether it be political, or from the perspective of a baker, an artist, a debater, a simple teenager, a child, and an adult.

Always transcend your barriers.

Speaking from the soul,
Your forever partner, Yshia

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I really enjoyed learning about the Johari Window and applying it to my realizations during this activity!

Open Pane: my name

Writing my caption reminded me of something our instructor in Grammatical Theories mentioned in one of our class lectures: “You’re not called your name because it’s your name, but because it’s who you are.” I liked the idea since it helped me acknowledge that despite all the changes I went through, who I was in the past is still a part of who I have become in the present.

Blind Pane: my time period for hyperfixation on media

A friend asked me about my phone case and when I told her that the design was related to an anime I loved back in high school, she was surprised that I was still a fan of it. I asked her why she would think of it as unexpected, and she replied with “dati kasi ang bilis mo makalabas ng fandom”, which made me realize that before this, I didn’t really think much about how long I was dedicated to something I found interesting. I mean, there are still instances where I can get over something fandom-related quickly, but I guess it’s nice to realize that there’s something I can be emotionally invested in for over three years.

Hidden Pane: my struggles when it comes to pictures

I remember my mom once asking me why I often posed for pictures with gestures (peace signs, finger hearts, etc.) that covered a part of my face. I told her “gusto ko lang” and though that was true, I knew that another reason was that I had a few insecurities back then. All the negative connotations in the remarks from my relatives and peers on my physical traits had a huge impact on my past self’s confidence, and I know that influence cannot be undone overnight, however I’m still proud of myself for trying to overcome it. Now I can honestly say that posing that way has become a habit (I do find it hard to break, especially the use of peace signs) rather than a way to hide, but I am aware that my confidence needs more work. Although I’m fine with taking selfies and group photos with my friends, I sometimes find myself being too shy to ask others to take a solo picture of me when I go to a place with a nice setting for a background.

Unknown Pane: my future

I’ve mentioned in my caption that I do not know what the future has in store for me, and it’s honestly one of the things that make me anxious. However, I know that the world waits for no one, and that if I wish to reach my goals, I’d have to bravely face the future, no matter what it holds. I may not know what my future is, but I do hope that I’ve learned to be a little kinder to myself by then.

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Caption:

The name “Ciaria”, one my mom proudly claims she invented, does not exactly yield online results when you look it up in name definition websites. This fact used to disappoint seven-year-old me a lot, especially when it came to situations like comparing name meanings with elementary school friends or even looking for one’s own name in keychains at those souvenir shops.

Of course, I knew that it wasn’t a big deal, so I only did what I could. With my imagination, my childhood self was consoled at the thought that I could make my own definition of my name. Back then, it felt like an empowering “I can form my own identity” Disney moment. Now that I’m all grown up, I find amusement (maybe a little bit of cringe too) in this memory, but I also feel gratitude towards my past self for being one of the reasons why I’ve come to love the originality of my name. When I think of my name, I think of everything about me. My traits, my thoughts, my personality, my values, my face.

A face I see in the mirror or in pictures (mostly selfies or group photos, as I’m often too shy to ask others to take pictures of me).

This is actually one of the few pictures where I didn’t strike my default pose, a peace sign (usually in front of my face). Still, I like how I look here. My smile’s genuine, and seeing this selfie didn’t make me want to immediately delete the photo and take a new one. It’s one where I’m happy and content, free from the overwhelming anxieties and insecurities.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I am hoping that there are more moments like this one, where I’m relaxed and content. One where I’m appreciating the positive aspects of myself as I acknowledge the traits that I could change for my own improvement. Hopefully one where I’m looking out for my own wellbeing too.

Applying a bit more self-love and self care,

Ciaria

P.S. Mom, if you ever see this, I just wanna let you know that I found three other Ciarias on Facebook. None of them have our surnames and my second name though, so you can still be proud of my name’s uniqueness, I guess haha

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In my caption, I talked about the effect expectations had on me growing up. This is in relation to identity construction in the perspective of Goffman's Presentation of Self. Within this perspective of front stage and back stage, I focused too much on the front stage and what character I wanted to portray in the views of my audiences. I aimed to alter the props that I had to entertain and satisfy the people around me.It was only as I went through various stages in life that I realized how important the back stage is. I had become pretentious and blind to what I truly am. In the process of socializing, I found comfort in trying to perform in ways that people want and expect.

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Growing up, I learned that expectations were the guide to my actions and aspirations. Realizing what made the people around me happy, encouraged me to continuously adapt and adjust myself to the benefit of society. These "statues" that I struggled to imitate became my shackles, restricting me from the freedom I yearned for as a child. Even 'til now, as I finish off my first year of college, expressing the best version of me remains a priority that I both love and hate.

Along the way, I did come to terms that in reality, these chains were my tethers to being an individual in society. I had to find what was personal to me and what made me happy while being in line with what is needed to be done in my stage of life. Although the expectations did not disappear, I learned to make a compromise between what I wanted and what people expected of me.

Sometimes, I let myself go free. I start to disassociate with my closest friends. I succumb to luxuries, I pursue my wants, regardless of the consequences.  I think about this now, and I think it helped me appreciate the freedom as I'm rubbing my sore wrists that were used to being restricted. But when I'm finally content, my mind goes back to what I want for the rest of my life. Slowly but surely, I reattach the ropes guiding me through life. I come back refreshed, ready to persevere and overcome the hurdles blocking my path. I'm ready to face the experiences I need to get what I want in life.

from an unfiltered perspective,
jona

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In my caption, I showed you the different dimensions of my self. Here are a few examples:

A. Material Self: I grew up a sick child. I am currently diagnosed with autoimmune disease which makes me sometimes
unable to move. I also used to model for different designers here in Baguio.

B. Social Self: I mentioned that I have a passion for writing- This is how my teachers and classmates saw me even in Elementary school.

C. Spiritual Self: I had a difficult time figuring out what I wanted to be in the future. I used to be a nursing student in SLU but I thought "hmm, something's not right". So, I switched to UP, took up BA Language and Literature and decided to go to medical school after college.

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To my dearest Tina,

Your existence will be an odd and painful combination of pleasure and sadness. You will go through a living nightmare with regards to your health. You'll have a disease that will cause you pain every single day. Coping with it will be difficult, but the dust of that journey will reveal the greater aspects of your personality and discover that modeling is not the only good thing you can do. You will not be able to avoid the experience because you received this letter from me. We are all meant to fulfill a part in life. Me, making this letter confirms that some situations are unavoidable, even when you are aware of them ahead of time.

You've reached an age where your career, getting married, and the stress of adult life seems a long way off. You haven't yet experienced the exhilaration that comes with adolescence. Mom will have a difficult marriage but that’s okay, you, her, and your sister will push through. What you witness in mom (healthwise) will foreshadow your own- (yes, vertigo and difficulty walking will get you too haha). There will be events in your life that people will covet while you are witnessing her sufferings- don’t mind them, they're not worth your time.

In high school, you'll be popular for the wrong reasons. You'll be pushed around corridors, get bullied, you’ll lose your closest friends and you’ll become academically challenged due to your health. On the bright side, you’ll win the city’s annual declamation contest (2 times!) as well as represent your whole district at the 2016 Batalympics Scrabble competition and will finish at 3rd place. Most importantly, you’ll be able to find a gem. He’ll be with you through your darkest times so try to be nice to him. His name is Khyle- your high school life’s blessing.

Your passion for writing will be a lighthouse guiding you throughout your college applications. Your beliefs as well as perseverance will help you get through the difficult days and eventually you’ll pick UP-Baguio to be your home for four years. You'll have a tough time picking what you will be in the future but eventually, you’ll decide to be a Doctor. You'll learn about yourself in a way that few people do. As a result, you'll grow in knowledge and wisdom, and you'll be a blessing to everyone around you.

Cristina, no dream is too high for anyone. If you can't reach it, grab a ladder. If you still can’t, mountain climb it, for every dream is worth the risk.

I know you’ll do good 🙂 Keep safe and healthy.

Always with love,

Cristina Kate S. Cruz, MD