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I been busy for a couple days, I still getting used to my new school. I severely anxious. Its great that my family tries to understand me, and comfort wherever I have a panic attack. They really understand what I been going through, that mostly why I kind of forgot to write a padlet, my mind wonders to much that I  have to calm myself to be able to do my school work. Still getting used to the new system and new classmates. I do still have doubts whether I chose the right thing. Risking to much to be able to pursue it.

I usually like to write myself out from this kinds of feelings. I always feel so shy whether I read it all over again, after writing it. Because it doesn't like me. It a weird thing to say. But whenever I write, I tend to curse myself and list down every thing I did wrong. Its toxic and unhealthy but I really find comfort doing it that way.

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1.  Things in front of you.
- a bottle of the strong scent opening it. It's warm and spicy when you apply it to your skin.

2. Quote- opening moment

School
Middle of the exam
Morning

Anna Sat in a chair in the middle of the class, the room is silent, even if it's full of students. the chair is evenly spaced with one another,
She took out her pencil and eraser in her bag.  and she took a huge breath and mumbled.

Let's finish this.

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Sept 10, 2021

Every time I wake up in the morning O get scared this is an irrational fear being scared of nothing and scared of the unknown. Every time I get this feeling I was pray, to be honest I not really the type of person that pray often, but I got so scared enough that I started praying, I'm afraid of the future and not being able to handle it I'm afraid that I will give up in the end and not able to finish. I wish things will be different and I will be more brave. I hope this will not turn to what I fear, I pray for the good thing and being able to pass this challenge easy, if really outside of my comfort zone I'm afraid, I don't know what to do. And lonely.

What I learned today, and kept experiencing is that I was able to forgive my old self, I was able to understand that the things in life are not as straight as it seems, there a lot of dissecting roads and path that goes not different direction. I hope that I will be happy in this path.

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Anna was so devastated in her life while holding the crumpled paper in her hands she reads the words in the letter in her head. A rush of tears run down her cheek, and her eyes are beginning to turn red because of crying. She took out her phone and called her but no one answered. She rushed inside her room closing the door tightly behind her, she closed her bedroom light, opened the window, and begun to say.

hear my prayer. Please guide me and enlighten me. Let me think clearly and help me.

Then suddenly a voice spoke behind her back spoke.
" Anna, we have to go. " the man in a white suit said.

"Could you please give me time to think alone" she spatted?

"We're running out of time." the man said indifferently.

"Please, I begging you!" she said sobbingly

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Sept 9 2021

I took a big leap today, Although I'm still not ready to share it today, but I believe it's the most boldest and most rush decision I ever made, I'm still not sure if it's real or not, it think that's one of the things that made me more paranoid, ended up believing but at the end of the day, it nothing more but a mistake. Still hopeful thou, I hope that's it true and not just a dream.

Its the moment in life when you see an imaginary crossroad, different paths that held different futures, I'm scared if maybe that I'm too ambitious and it's not really for me, and the worst thing that I could say is that what I'm afraid of know are other people expect. I realized why should I care about other people's opinions it's my life and those people aren't really a part of life, My parents wholeheartedly support me, my brother and sister support me, and my friends showed really support me if they are truly are.
I'm afraid to admit it to myself because I feel like a hoax and an imposter, a skill-less, undeserving person who shouldn't even be there.

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Sept 8, 2021
I actually wrote this in Sept 9. Even though it's an entry of Sept 8. Recently  things seems to be more hard lately. Both psychologically and mentally. I constantly woke up in the middle of the night in fear. During those hours I feel constantly sharp of pain, and tighthing of the chest. And had trouble breathing.
This related to my fear of uncertainty and of what the future holds.  I'm scared that it's not worthy in the end and I may just put myself to unnecessary expectations. But in always doing so I let myself learn from a hard way.

I always thought that life is as simple as a straight line, that's it just from point a to point b. But here where I am now I know that it's not the case , there are stil a lot of things I don't know and I cannot solve what I'm currently am. But I'm willing to learn from it and continue moving forward to a better and brighter future.

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Sept 7

Dead is something I really don't want to understand.  I just only encountered it during movies, books and games. But having someone died, one that you personally known for years. It's sad.
Today is the 40 day since my grandmother died thou we are not really close and often fight a lot. Her presence is embedded in our lives for a very long time and now it's weird feeling that emptiness.  We never had a closure , one that you often see in movies or TV shows. I always wished and we had that bonding moment.

We had the assumption that she will live for a very long time.  We often joke about how we will use the 100k for her one hundred birthday.

As strong as her body is, her mind was the complete opposite.  She cannot really hold a proper conversation with anyone and wonder all over the place. And that often the reason why we often fight. I didn't understand how confused her she is. It was not until now that it's too late that I realized that I should have been patient to her and understand her more.  She had dealt bad things in life that I could never be able to imagine, so many things that not been favorable to her and that's what made her as she is.

I been keeping this guilty feelings for days.  And not really been completely honest to myself.  I'm sorry Mami. For everything for not being able to understand you.

I hope you guide Mama to move on and bless her for the love she have given you. Be our guardian angel above, and bless your children and their family.

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September 6

I have the tendency to forget things easily it made me frustrated for always forgetting. And constantly feeling guilty over it. To the point I cursed myself. It's an unhealthy mindset and I wanna change things for the better.

Journaling is an healthy habits, I once tried it during the first month of the pandemic and it works. I don't know why I stopped. It did release the pressure inside the brain. And always made my mind clearer but it made me vulnerable to address certain feelings I unlocked that is entirely personal.
Recently I came from writing to tell stora, a fictional one, I created  plots and characters and make them move by themselves.It's the proudest I ever been, I felt the after a long time I created something I very proud off. I could only associate it to child birth even thou I don't have a child myself.

But journaling comes more personal and real. It's shows my fears and insecurities. It's shows who I am and the guilty I been carrying.

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PAGLUTAW SA KALUNGSOD
I. Town of chismis and murmurs

1.  A lot of houses curled up together, with the neighbors shared a single wall.
2. the river has plenty of water and is clean enough though you rarely find any single fish.
3.  the sky is dark and gloomy, with the grayish cloud blanket the sun, and occasional sign of thunder, though it never rains there.
4. the land is fully cemented with no grass or flowers insight,
5. it's cloudy and never seems to let in the sun.
6. murmurs and occasional laughs can be heard all day.
7. the smell of the burning pans filled the town,  as one favored talking to their neighbor instead of watching the meals being cooked.
8.  often people make meals as best as they could,  favoring giving out food, usually a leftover dessert from the birthday party to their neighbor as an initial excuse to paying a visit.
10. the town is with women around the age of their 50's enjoying their retirement
11. the town is headed by a group of women,
12. it's often a crime when one does not go outside to interact with other people, so one introverted townsman may be accused of a crime they do not even commit just because he didn't talk to them.
13. talking with one another and asking people what's happening in their life.
14 handing out gifts and preferable food is a nice gesture.
15.  space to be alone is not common in this place because most of the people is noisy about each other,
16 it's abundant of news of other peoples lives

II. DEJA VU

The corridor of the school is empty, dark, and cold.

Lisa is walking in it alone, the corridor is filled only by the sound of her footsteps.
then she heard a voice called her name.
Lisa

who's there?
it called again. Lisa

who are you? what do you want with me!
But she could see no other person than herself here.

then a memory from the past hit her,
then suddenly out of nowhere the student filled the empty corridor and then she saw her friend smiling to her
hi Lisa

III. KAMUSTA AKO

.  inside the dining room with the laptop in the front. placed on the table.

in front of Alexis is a laptop that is charging

" I have to learn more,

then she writes it to her notebook to remind herself

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SEPTEMBER 5, 2021

I woke up around 6 am, even though I did not have a pleasant time sleeping. I usually don't like to wake up early in the morning I want to sleep.
I mostly have panic attacks at night, which makes me severely anxious and does not let me sleep. Bad thoughts always come in my head, and at times it's gone overboard that I usually cry myself to sleep. I'm depressive, not suicidal and I think what keeps my sanity check is my rationality.
When I feel things get pressured. I usually write my thoughts in my diary. My writing is not as wholesome other I think, it's full of self-loathing and depressive, it's full of self-doubts. I think it away releases the pressure that feels other than that I'm fine.

The reason why I write.
- I was used to be terrible at spelling. In a way, I was so insecure about that. I couldn't able to spell simple words and always ask my classmate to teach me. I often got zero on a spelling test. Looking back at it that's the main driving force of me starting to write. That's why I started to play with words. I read as often as I could to grab and familiarize myself with the words I don't know. By the time I was able to deepen my vocabulary and improve my grammar and spelling.

It was not until recently that writing for me became more personal and not just a way to fight my insecurity about spelling.

The Pandemic solidifies that. I was given time for myself to build my identity and learn how to express it.

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1. INTRODUCTION POSTER
- An inspired individual, with a dream.
a girl who has a dream and is willing to work towards it.

DREAM CAST
written by Alexis Ladera

2. Sense Poetry
-1.the lingering taste of cotton candy that you of then seen near the market, a sharp sweetness that excites lingers in your tongue.
2. the refreshing smell you often smell once you open the fridge, both moist and cold.
3. the repetitive buzzing sound of the alarm, which is loud and often uncomfortable.
4.-the hazy sky you see in the morning before   5 pm. both soft and calm.
5. the cold and hard press of the tile floor
with your back pressed beneath it.
6. the tightness of the chest as you can hear the very beating of your heart.

3. AKO'Y ISANG
- I'm in the forest thou I cannot see anything clearly, I know this place only if there's light. I can see more.

4. REFLECTION
- Being in this workshop, In a way, I saw a glips of the of other people mindset, through writing, it makes me realize what other individual thinks and I were put in the headspace, It's comforting to know that through this workshop, we aim to learn the same thing, and that's how to write. It's a nice feeling knowing that you are not alone anymore.