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Several weeks ago two students tracked me down in the lunchroom and asked to speak to me about a situation that happened over the weekend. Truly, weekend parties, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and other types of social media can be a real pain when they are the cause for a lot of drama at school. So, I postponed my plans and sat and listened to their problem. One girl explained that she was at a "kickback" over the weekend and was accused of sleeping with her friend's brother. Since this rumor was now all over school, the brother's girlfriend wanted to beat her up. I looked at the other girl and asked her if this was true and she nodded. I told both girls that I needed for them to stay in the lunchroom while I go to speak to the assistant principal about a potential fight. After a couple of minutes, I found the assistant principal and told her about the situation. She told me that she was aware of the rumor and she had spoken to the girlfriend who was very upset about her boyfriend going to this kickback. Fortunately, she had planned to speak to all three of them before the situation got out of hand.

Next, our conversation shifted to this phenomena of the kickback. Apparently, as innocent as the name sounds, it is truly not somewhere you want your 9th grader going to hang out with their friends.

The Urban Dictionary defines a kickback as...

"always hosted at an individual's house, a kickback consists of friends getting together to engage in party activities such as drinking etc., without the hassle and drawbacks of a big party. although an invite verbal or otherwise is not necessary it is understood that a kickback is friends only and is not to exceed 20 or 30 persons. a good option for those not wishing to get their house trashed. not to be confused with a party or rager".

www.urbandictionary.com

In fact, I downloaded the "so called rules" for a kickback without the expletives and I put some of them in my own words. You can see the original at the web address below (Source Unidentified):

No ruining another guys chance to get some booty...these acts are punishable up to death.

Put money on the liquor, no matter if you are a woman, Viking, avatar, or space creature.

If you know you are not able to pay, we take sex payments as well (women only).

Know your limit. We ain't taking care of nobody. Every man, woman, or minor (how did u get here?) for themselves.

Why come to a kickback if you have an attitude. Be prepared to mingle or get off my sofa?

You have sex at kickback, so you can have a ride home in the morning... No sex = No Bus Pass. (women)

We don't care which one of us you sleep with you, as long as one of the guys gets some.

The kickback is like Vegas. "What happens at the kickback stays at the kickback" rather you got a train ran on you, you use the bathroom on the floor, or fell and busted your butt...all that is
confidential.

Anybody that can't keep their mouth closed about what happened at the kickback is a worthless female.

Don't invite worthless females to the kickback. You already know they ain't bout that having a good time life.

- See more at: http://thesunk.com/2011/08/kickback-etiquette-part-i.html#sthash.9pyM2co3.dpuf

Okay, I am scratching my head at this point...

What makes a kickback so dangerous is that anything goes at these gatherings. Whether it is unprotected sex, drugs, drinking, oral sex, or multiple partners. The assistant principal went on to share that one particular 9th grader became the stud of the kickback and refuses to use a condom. He took his reputation up a notch by having sex with any female who walked in the room; therefore, his name is Dirty D&#k.

My heart sank! I thought of all of the potential pregnancies, STDs, overdoses, and rapes among these 9th graders, but I am sure there are younger students attending these gatherings as well. After speaking to the assistant principal, my next stop was to the school social worker to tell her what I had learned.

The school social worker and I have worked on many different types of cases together and there is not much that we have not experienced. I walked in her office and sat down across from her desk. After exchanging pleasantries, I began telling her the news about the activities that our young students were allegedly participating in over the weekend. Her head dropped, she shook her head, and at that point she reminded me of a similar set of circumstances that occurred in the 1990's in a community not to too far away. This community was faced with a syphilis outbreak from illicit unsupervised sex parties. She told me that no one knew how bad the epidemic was until PBS filmed a documentary about the students, who ranged from 12-18, having unprotected sex with each other. From that group of students, over 80 became pregnant and around 200 were treated from syphilis. We both agreed that helping professionals, parents, schools, and the community, are failing to educate our families about the outcomes of these high risk behaviors. At that point, our discussion shifted to how we could effectively educate students and parents about the dangers of STD's, unwanted pregnancies, the possibility of being charged with statutory rape, parents being charged with delinquency of a minor, and the effects of drugs and alcohol on the adolescent brain.

We came up with a initial plan that we will develop over time. Here is the plan...
1. Train and use students as Peer Educators

The National Association of Peer Program Professionals offerings multiple training and certifications in the area of peer helping and education.

NAPPP Website-training, free information, and certification.
Peer Resources Training, San Francisco, CA-Ira Sachnoff conducts a two day training in San Francisco.
Alaska Peer Education Program-example of a peer education program in action.
The Bacchus Network-Higher Education program, but a lot of great information.

Book Resources

Peer Power, Dr. Judith Tindall
Peer Programs, Dr. Judith Tindall

Peer helping is a valuable tool for any counseling program. In fact, Dr. Barbara Varenhorst wrote in The Peer Facilitator Quarterly that peers are one of the most under utilized resources for helping other students. In fact, there are copious studies that have provided evidence that peer helping provides the external assets that are important of healthy development in students.

Why Peer Helping? Dr. Barbara Varenhorst

The Search Institute found that adolescents need certain external and internal assets to inhibit high risk behaviors like substance abuse, sex, dropping out of school and to rebound from these crises. On this list of assets is using youth as resources.

You can download a list of the 40 Development Assets and receive free materials from the Search Institute.

40 Developmental Assets (Adolescents ages 12-18)

CASEL found that Social/Emotional Learning reduced risky behaviors by increasing attachment to school and helping students resist negative social influences. In addition, CASEL found that there is a need for universal rather than selective approaches to prevention. Benefits of SEL:
1. Improves student positive behaviors
2. Improves student perception of school and academic performance
3. Prepares students for adulthood

Social/Emotional Learning-What is it and how does it work?

SEL Implementation Kit-How to implement SEL in your school.

2. Parent Education Workshops

Unfortunately, many parents are unaware of the consequences for hosting a unsupervised activity in their home. There are many brochures and information available to post on your website and/or provide to parents at events or workshops.

Grand Island Senior High School - Unsupervised Parties

State of Virginia Parent Guidelines to Teen Parties

Teen Party Guidelines

Oregon City Schools-Parents Who Host, Lose the Most

Legal Resources for Parents

Statutory Rape Laws by State

https://www.stopalcoholabuse.gov/

Not My Kid Action Plan

3. Counselor Education on the Culture and History of the Hookup and Prevention Strategies

Benoit Denizet-Lewis in the New York Times article, Friends, Friends With Benefits, and the Benefits of the Local Mall about the history of hooking up wrote about the evolution of the teen hookup. During the late 30's and 40's, teens were encouraged to have multiple dating partners. A teenager was seen as a loser if he or she was stuck at a dance with only one partner. Going steady with one person was seen as a negative social activity and the popular kids were encouraged to have a different a date each week.

World War II changed society with the media announcement of the male shortage and the desire for marriage dramatically increased. Not only did marriage increase, but courtships at an earlier age were common. Then, in the late 60's and early 70's, the feminist idea of relationships became popular and lasted until the early 80's. A more conservative period emerged where going steady with one person was highly coveted ( this is the era that I grew up in).

Suddenly, in the 90's, internet happened and teens took to it like a moth to a flame. Teenagers began to use the internet as not only a hangout, but a place to meet romantic partners. The practice of the hookup was born and countless websites were created for meeting others. An online hookup includes meeting someone online (i.e. facethejury.com) and then meeting that person for a sexual encounter without any romantic ties or obligations. Now a days, many teens feel that they do not need to be in a relationship because sex is so easy to find.

Friends, Friends with Benefits, and Benefits of the Local Mall

Prevention Strategy Ideas for School Counselors

Here are several resources you can use to educate students, parents, staff members, and colleagues regarding risky behaviors and unsupervised activities.

Seven Strategies to Preventing Risky Behaviors in Teens

Teen Pregnancy

Parent Guide to Teen Pregnancy

Facts about Date Rape

What is a Healthy Relationship

Making Healthy Decisions about Sex

Male Birth Control

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Teaching Guide to the Syphilis Outbreak of 1996

STD Videos from the CDC

Drug Abuse Prevention Begins with Parents

Resisting Peer Pressure to use Drugs

Substance Abuse

Talking to Teens about Drugs and Alcohol

Teaching Resistance Skills

The School Counselor and Student Risky Behaviors

Counselor's Role in Preventing Risky Behaviors

Student Success Skills and the School Counselor

Media

She's Too Young Discussion Guide - Hannah is a 14 year old high school freshmen who wants to be popular. In her quest for popularity, she gets more than what she bargains for.

Steubenville Rape Case -ABC news program about the sexual assault of a teenage girl at an unsupervised party in Ohio.

PBS Documentary of the 1996 Syphilis Outbreak-Documentary of the spread of syphilis in 1996 among teens in a Georgia suburb.

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Several weeks ago two students tracked me down in the lunchroom and asked to speak to me about a situation that happened over the weekend. Truly, weekend parties, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and other types of social media can be a real pain when they are the cause for a lot of drama at school.

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Join us. Through the lense of what their lives might have been, imagine a world without hate. While we've made progress together, there is much more to do.

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Bullying/cyberbullying is the intentional/repeated mistreatment of others. Find out how to join ADL's fight against bullying online and offline.

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National Alliance on Mental Illness

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NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

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NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

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NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.

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Not in our Town

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How Do I Use This Site? FAQs What is Not In Our School?

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Students Against Destructive Decisions

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SADD | Student Organization | Washington, DC

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Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) is a student organization that empowers and mobilizes youth and adult allies to engage in positive change through leadership and smart decision-making.

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Teenagers are diving into intimate relationships while still learning about the patience, communication, and trust required to make a relationship successful. Relationships are more likely to fail - and to become abusive - when the dating partners are young, immature, and spontaneous. Unfortunately, this has resulted in an unfortunate number of teens who experience teen dating violence in a romantic relationship. Each year, one in ten teenagers reports being the victim of teen dating violence. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 23% of males and 14% of females surveys indicated that they had been part of a relationship that was violent or abusive.

Teens may not fully understand the weight of their actions - especially if they have developed an understanding of how relationships operate from portrayals in the media, movies, athletes, and television. Teen dating violence can have serious consequences (both criminal and civil) for abusers. Teens must understand that actions and behaviors within the context of a romantic relationship can have consequences in the real world.

Understanding the Importance of a Teen Dating Violence Conviction

A conviction of a teen dating violence offense in California can have serious long-term consequences. San Diego criminal defense lawyer Vikas Bajaj says "teenagers are not immune from the lifelong consequences that can accompany a criminal record, especially for crimes of domestic violence or sexual abuse. A teenager may feel invincible," Bajaj explains, "but once you have a domestic violence conviction or are required to register as a sex offender your ability to do normal, everyday things can be limited." Bajaj continues, explaining that the ability to "apply for a new job, put in an application on an apartment, or even requesting a federal student loan for college" could be compromised by a teen dating violence conviction.

California and Teen Dating Violence

In efforts to reduce the prevalence of teen dating violence, and to help teens create and maintain healthy relationships, many states have implemented mandatory programs for public school students. In 2015, California began requiring public schools to provide educational programs about preventing, recognizing, and avoiding teen dating violence and abuse. The programs are also required to educate teenagers about sexual assault and sexual abuse.

Consequences of Teen Dating Violence

Restraining Orders

California makes it fairly simple for teenagers to obtain a restraining order. Any person over the age of 12 may request a restraining order from a judge without the consent or knowledge of a parent. Courts, though, are generally required to alert the parents to the order.

Restraining orders can seriously impact a teenager's ability to go about their day-to-day lives. A teenager served with a restraining order may be prohibited from going to certain locations or required to complete certain intervention programs.

Criminal Consequences

Just because abuse happens between teenagers does not mean that it is any less serious. In California, teenagers who commit acts of teen dating violence may face criminal consequences for domestic violence offenses. California's domestic violence laws apply to broadly to a number of situations. One of those situations is when violence or abuse occurs between dating partners. Teenagers who are involved in romantic or intimate relationships are included in this category. Here are a few of the crimes that may be charged if a teenager commits an act of teen dating violence.

Domestic battery - occurs when one teenager commits harmful or offensive contact against a former or current dating partner. Charges of domestic battery do not require that a teenager is actually injured. Instead, the contact must be (1) purposeful and unlawful, and (2) forceful and unwanted.

Domestic violence - legally known as "bodily injury to a spouse or cohabitant" - occurs when one teenager purposefully causes a dating partner to sustain a bodily injury. As you can see, the difference between domestic battery charges and domestic violence charges is the infliction of a bodily injury.

Sexual assault - occurs when a teenager engages in the unwanted touching of a dating partner's intimate parts. Intimate parts include the "sexual organ, anus, groin, or buttocks."

Rape - occurs when a teenager engages in unwanted or forceful sexual intercourse with a dating partner.

Child abuse - may occur when a teenager purposefully or accidentally causes the injury of a dating partner under the age of 18. Certain individuals (including teachers, doctors, and clergy) who witness what they believe to be child abuse must report their observations to law enforcement. Behavior that may be properly defined as child abuse is sometimes different than that which may be defined as abuse for domestic violence purposes.

Criminal Threats - may occur when a teenager threatens to kill or harm a dating partner. A teenager may be convicted of criminal threats if (1) the threat placed the victim in reasonable fear of his or her safety; (2) the threat was specific; and (3) the threat was communicated in writing, verbally, or electronically. So, if a teenager hears a rumor about his or her partner and responds by sending texts with the message "You're not going to be able to show your face for a while" with a "fist" emoji, they may be guilty of criminal threats.

Penalties for Teen Dating Violence Convictions

The penalties associated with California's crimes of domestic violence vary. Teenagers can face serious punishments for engaging in abusive and/or harassing behavior with dating partners.

Teen Dating Domestic Battery and Violence

Domestic battery is generally charged as a misdemeanor. If convicted, a teen may be sentenced up to one year in jail, required to pay up to $2,000 in fines, and/or probation. Domestic violence is a more serious offense and may be charged as a misdemeanor or a felony. The prosecution will weigh the severity of the injury, the circumstances surrounding the incident, and the teenager's prior criminal record when making a determination. If convicted of a felony count of domestic violence, a teenager could face between 1-4 years in prison and/or be required to pay up to $6,000 in fines.

Teen Dating Sexual Assault and Rape

Sexual assault may be charged as a misdemeanor or a felony. The state will weigh the severity of the assault, the circumstances surrounding the incident, and the teenager's prior criminal record when determining the charge. A teenager convicted of misdemeanor sexual assault may be sentenced to up to 6 months in jail and/or may be required to a fine of $2,000. A teenager convicted of felony sexual assault may be sentenced to between 1-4 years in prison and/or fines of up to $10,000. Rape is a felony offense, and punishments vary based on the age of the victim, circumstances of the incident, and criminal history of the abuser. A teenager convicted of rape may be sentenced to 3-8 years in prison and/or required to pay up to $25,000 in fines.

Teenagers convicted of a crime of a sexual nature may be required to register as a sex offender with the state of California.

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Teen Dating Violence Awareness - Ending Teen Dating Violence

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Teenagers are diving into intimate relationships while still learning about the patience, communication, and trust required to make a relationship successful. Relationships are more likely to fail - and to become abusive - when the dating partners are young, immature, and spontaneous.

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School Technology & Counseling Smackdown

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School Technology & Counseling Smackdown

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Cybrary Man's Educational Web Sites The internet catalogue for students, teachers, administrators & parents. Over 20,000 relevant links personally selected by an educator/author with over 30 years of experience.