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As a first year teacher I was lucky to not have to deal with too many tense situations throughout the school year, but that is not to say that there weren't any! Often times if a parent has a concern that they would like to meet and speak about, both myself and the other 5th grade teacher would meet with them since both of us have the all of the students multiple times throughout the day. We conferenced with one parent after NWEA standardized testing who was upset that her student did not grow enough to move up into a higher math group. I found this situation to be quite frustrating because although the student did not qualify for the next math level, she did grow almost 20 points from the start of the school year in both math and reading. I was frustrated and using a self-immersed view when thinking that the mother should be more pleased with the work and growth that her child had made. If I was a looking at this situation from an outside perspective I might have realized that when it comes to things like standardized tests, not everyone, including parents, are trained in how the scoring works and what these little growth points means. Rather, parents see and hear the tangible stuff like "your child grew a lot but is staying at their same level". When I think about it from this perspective I can see how a parent might be confused and have questions about this.

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I've had a couple of scenarios occur throughout my career as a school counselor where looking back I wished there would have been someone sitting with me during intense conversations. I have been working hard on trying to feel less reactive, as in the self-distanced perspective, when it comes to these conversations because I do think that trying to somewhat distance ourselves from the situation is healthy. Harboring harsh thoughts about something that occurred in years past doesn't solve the problem, it only makes us relive it in the present. I have had a couple of parent interactions regarding their child that have been difficult for me to navigate as their intent was to personally criticize my role instead of meet to solve a problem. These types of situations are harder for me to work through and move on from than if a parent were to come in to discuss their child and want to work together for the child's success.

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There were many times this year myself and others felt wronged by our administrator.  One scenario was when she cancelled our end of the year 5th grade rive boat cruise after it had been scheduled and permission slips handed out. My teammate and I were extremely upset that she could do this to children let alone the 5th graders during their last week of elementary. During this time, I was thinking with my self-immersed perspective. If I were to look from the outside, I would have seen that this is just a fork in the road and we need to choose a different plan!

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This year I worked with a teacher who didn't put much effort into their teaching. They often relied on what I was doing and asking me to watch their class so they could go make copies. This was SO hard for me because I am someone who works hard to get my stuff done and organized so I am ready. Yes, there are times that I am not prepared, but I work so hard to not let that happen. This teacher made my year tough because I felt that they were not doing the best for their students. I tried to help at first, but had to give up when they weren't trying to improve. If I would have used self-distanced perspective, I would have realized that they were unsure of what to do as a classroom teacher. I would have also realized that I could have been more patient and offered more help.

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Learning about the self-immersed perspective and the self-distanced perspective. One specific person I find myself having trouble getting stuck in the self-immersed perspective is with one of the new staff members on my team. They didn't know terms that are common to elementary education. I got stuck in the self-immersed perspective when I would think to myself, "Why don't they know this already?!" With this perspective it was hard for me to be patient with them and explain things out. If I were to use a self-distanced perspective I would have noticed that they were making an effort to understand more about how the elementary education classrooms work and was seeking advice from me because they trusted me.

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This prompt was very personal for me.  The end of my school year was very challenging.  I felt very hurt, undervalued, mistreated, and confused with how my administration responded to a parent concern in my classroom.  I have spent many days thinking about the situation.  Reflecting on what I could have done differently and for sure thinking about what my administration could have done differently.  While I definitely still believe the situation was not handled correctly, I know that I was responding in a self-immersed mindset.  From reflecting on the situation with colleagues, I know that they support me and how I responded in the situation.  I honestly wish someone else would have sat in during the conversation as a fly on the wall!  At this point, I need to use a self-distanced perspective to heal and grow from this situation. This is becoming easier with time and distance! Maybe there were other issues going on and my administration were overwhelmed with those things instead of responding with my best interest! I will definitely reflect on situations like this in the future.

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I often have a self-immersed perspective when working with a great colleague who has a triggering personality. He is very emotional, brags a ton, and does way too many things. When he begins to explain his successes, I can often think of how annoying he is or how many issues he has, but if I look outside myself I clearly see that he is seeking approval and has a weak ego. In this mindset, I am more able to support him and not take things personally.

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As I read about the self-immersed perspective versus a self-distanced perspective a particular situation came to mind that happened a few years ago. Before I was an instructional coach, I was a learning suite teacher. This meant all students from third grade were in one space with all three classroom teachers. Throughout the day EL, SPED and Reading Intervention teachers would push-in for their instruction. This particular year one of the classroom teachers was a brand new teacher. He struggled to meet deadlines, complete tasks, accept or ask for help. This caused a large frustration for me and I could feel myself getting upset, when usually I am a laid back understanding person. I also knew he was aware of my frustrations because we had spoken about it. If there was a fly on the wall, I think they would have seen a young, green teacher who was overwhelmed. Along with that they would have seen a very unique environment since the classroom was not self contained. They would have also seen a veteran teacher who was stressed by the learning suite environment and they probably didn't have enough patience with the new teacher. Looking at this from the fly on the wall approach really makes me want to reach out to the individual who I used to work with. We did not leave on poor terms but I think it would be nice to touch base after reflecting on the situation years later.

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When I'm dealing with a difficult situation with a colleague, administrator, or parent, and my emotions are heightened, I try to take a day to calm down before reacting to the situation. I wouldn't say that I have tried to put myself as a "fly on the wall" to have an outsider's perspective, but I have often tried to see things from the point of view of the person I am frustrated with. This has helped me to have more empathy towards them, rather than feeling the need to lash out. I also often write down my frustrations to the person in a blank draft email (no name in the sender box) so that I can say what I would like to say, without ever actually sending it. Once I've done that, I re-write it in a more professional manner, taking my emotions out, so that I have a better idea of how I should actually speak with the person when I get the chance to have a face to face meeting or phone call with the person. This has always helped me in the past to handle things in a non-emotional and professional manner, but next time I encounter a situation like this, I will try the "fly on the wall" approach as well to see if this helps even more.

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I thought of the last day of school with one of my math classes this year. It was Monday, June 10th, which don't get even get me started on why we had the last regular day of school on a Monday. Nobody wanted to be there, teachers or students, so it was a big challenge to keep one's attitude and perspective positive! :) I had just thought to play a simple game with my class and give out some candy prizes for it. A couple groups of students were whining and complaining about it, not participating, and generally making something that was supposed to be easy and fun decidedly not so. I didn't lose my temper, but I did stop the game and just had the class sit and chat for the remainder of the class.

If I was the fly on the wall, I would have probably noticed the larger group of students that was participating and seemingly wanted to play. I could have just as easily allowed the cranky groups to just do their own thing and had fun with the students that chose to participate. I was definitely too self-immersed rather than self-distanced, and I think a large number of students paid the penalty for it.

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I have learned through mistakes to try my very best not to respond to tense emails, behaviors, etc. on the spot. I need time to let my emotions calm, gather perspective, and choose my words carefully. It is best to try to put yourself in someone else's shoes before reacting in an unfair way. Especially as an educator, sometimes you need to swallow your pride and be the bigger person. We work in a lead by example atmosphere and I think it is important to always keep that in mind. As difficult as some moments have been, I can honestly say they are the moments that have made me grow the most.

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I teach High School special education.  This year I had a female student who was EL and LD. On the first day of school she came into my room to say there was a mistake in her schedule and she should not be in my small group reading and math.  In that moment, it was the first time I had met her besides what I read on paper, I decided to listen to her, tell her I understood her concerns and to let me look into it, which I did.  Of course she belonged in my class and I knew in order for her to be successful I had to establish a relationship with her. The start of her year was rocky. She was failing all of her mainstream classes. Her attitude was poor and she talked about dropping out daily. There was not a home connection with her family and I only met her mom once all year. As the year proceeded we built a strong relationship.  She knew I believed in her. She began to do her homework, change her attitude and was wanting to not only pass but began talking about graduating in two years verses dropping out on her next birthday. As the weeks went by other teachers began to really notice the change in her. However, the teenage attitude still showed itself at times, especially with support staff.  This young lady also had some trouble outside of school that she would confide in me with and we would work through it with the help of the counselor, admin, etc. However, those were things not everyone needed to know. So, with that said there were parts of conversations they would hear and they did not understand because they did not see/know the big picture.  I would hear comments from them about this student, what I should have done/said, or what they would do. I hope that they know and respect me enough to understand that am not ignoring behaviors but picking the important "battles' that will impact this young ladies self esteem, learning, and life skills. I also reminded them in private every time how far she had come over the course of the year. She ended this year with all B's except for one C and one A. She was proud of herself! I hope someday when I am that fly on the wall I sit back, slow down and try to see the big picture.

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When reading this prompt and thinking of scenarios, I thought of difficult conversations I have had with parents in regards to student behaviors. Usually these conversations are open, honest, and create a partnership between the parents and teacher. Other times, these conversations can challenge the parent and teacher relationship. I think it is easy to feel hurt and blamed when these conversations don't go as well. We are present each day to see behaviors first hand. We, of course, do our best to communicate these to parents, but it is not the same as being present in the classroom each day. Working with younger students, they are not always able to bridge that gap for parents by telling them exactly what happened. I think after taking a step back and thinking about the situation as a fly on the wall, it is easier to see that the challenge is coming from a place of frustration in the situation, not the person. It can be difficult, but it helps to not take these situations personally and to remember that at the end of the day you both have the same goal, success for the child.

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At the beginning of every school year I remind myself of my goals for the year. Having a self-distanced perspective is one of them.  Working in special education with kindergarten students takes patience, especially if there are dysregulated aggressive behaviors. I remind myself that usually my students act out aggressively because they don't have the communication skills to talk through a problem. This past year I had a student who has an autism spectrum disorder. He struggles with any changes to his schedule and has a communication disorder. I assisted the paraprofessional in safely guiding the student to my room because he was so dysregulated. He has a calm down area in my room where he goes when he needs to have a break. I was able to observe his behavior and the paraprofessional while trying to be very mindful about my own behavior. I noticed that the para was using way too many words with him while he was trying to calm down. It helped me be able to talk it through with the para and come up with a better plan on how to work with him while he is calming down. It is an area I need to continue working on, but having a self-distanced perspective is going to stay on my list of goals for the upcoming school year.

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This prompt really resonated with a professional goal I had for myself this past school year. With every situation that happened in the classroom, I always tried to first think about the situation from the students perspective. Why are they doing what they are doing? Are they tired, hungry, bored, sad, excited? How long have they been sitting in one spot? Do we need to do a movement break? I can remember one day a student was acting out numerous times. Admin had come to support the child numerous times, parents had been called and the child was still acting out. What I did was imagine the day from the students perspective, which allowed me to hear a story of his weekend and how his life had changed from what he knew as normal.

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As I reflected on this prompt I reread the details of  self-immersed and self-distanced perspectives. I really sat and thought about this for a while. I know I am guilty of jumping right into a self-immersed perspective way of thinking before I even take the time to sit back and look at it from a self-distanced perspective. I often rely on coworkers that I know I can trust to "hash" out what happened to help me look at situations through a self-distanced perspective. I think sometimes when you talk the situation out with someone it is a lot easier to get to a self-distanced perspective.

One specific example that came to my mind was when a student who has had a lot of trauma in his life, wrote me a letter that wasn't so nice. He wrote about how he didn't like me, how he hated coming to class, and how I just didn't understand him.

When I read the letter I wanted to jump right into a self-immersed perspective of dealing with the situation. Instead I sat back, and tried to look at it through a self-distanced perspective. It was very hard at first to not react to his letter. So instead I gave this letter to the school counselor and asked her how she thought we should handle this. She had the student come down to her office and they started talking about the letter and how hurtful it was, which led to the student breaking down sobbing, and feeling really guilty about the things that he had written. So she suggested that he write an apology note to me. That afternoon he brought down a letter that was a page and a half that he had written explaining a lot of why he was feeling this way and what was going on in his life.

I am so glad that I didn't jump right into a self-immersed perspective and confront him about the original note he wrote and instead sat back with a self-distanced perspective and talked to my school counselor about what to do. I feel like if I would have jumped in and became self-immersed he might not have been as honest and apologetic as he was. I think allowing him time to process and share what he wanted with me through writing helped him share with me what he wanted to about his past.

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I just recently took the Clifton Strengths finder test and my  number one strength is harmony. When I looked into this strength more,  I learned that people with this theme don't enjoy conflict and would rather seek areas of agreement. This is so me!! I am always the one trying to make peace with any conflict that comes up. My 3rd strength is empathy. I think both of these strengths would play a big part in a difficult situation. I naturally want to make piece with whatever the problem is and I empathize with people easily. I have to remind myself that when I am in a stressful/tricky situation that sometimes is is better to step back and breath before trying to jump right in and fix whatever the problem may be.

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I'm not thinking of a specific situation right off- but I do know that perspective is something that I have been working on. I know that I have a self-immersed perspective often times. I've really worked hard on stepping back and looking at a situation as an observer. I can get emotional and overreact quickly because of that- sometimes that's good- but typically for me it's not. I have to keep thinking 'good intentions'- and not assume the negative  when I think I've been wronged or disrespected by an adult.  At school , I remind myself that 'it's not personal'- especially if it's something my kiddos are doing that bother me!!
Step back and breathe!!

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When I first read the description of this "self-distanced perspective" I was a bit taken aback.  I am very much a feeling person and the idea of trying to distance myself from my emotions is intimidating and intriguing at the same time.  I've spent a lot of time with what I would describe as "old school boys club" admin who have accused a number of female staff of being "too emotional" or "too invested", and it's taken me some time to accept my empathy/feeling-ness as a strength rather than a detriment.
But after thinking on it a bit, I don't think that's exactly what this perspective is trying to get at.  It's more saying, if you can step back in a situation and see all of the view pooints, it might be easier to deal with.
The situation I thought of right away is one with one of my admin who was frustrated that I wouldn't give into his side on an issue of sexism in our dress code. I definitely got a bit overwhelmed in the conversation with my emotions because all of my students what they had come to me with was running through my head. ithink if someone has seen this encounter, they cwould have seen my emotionals preventing me from getting out everything I needed to say but they would have also seen an admin trying to intimidate a smaller female staff with both his tone and physical body language in the space.

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I noticed after school one day that one of my chairs had been written all over with permanent marker.  I teach 10th graders so I deemed this action as completely childish and disrespectful of our classroom furniture. So I took a look at my seating chart and the next day after each class period, I pulled the student who sat in that chair regardless of their overall behavior in my class throughout the year. One of the students who admitted to doing it so I contacted their parents and had them come in after school and scrub down all of my chairs.

My father is the head custodian in my hometown so I grew up becoming very mindful of the work he did in my school to keep the classrooms looking nice. That's why I hold such a high standard for my students when it comes to keeping our classroom looking tidy and clean.

I wanted to lash out at this student because of what felt like a personal offense but instead chose to have a frank conversation about it with him. He responded very sensibly and cooperatively. While he scrubbed chairs and I did some prep for the next day we were able to talk about what was going on in his life and to no surprise he was going through some serious family struggles.

If someone had watched this encounter I hope they would use words such as respectful, listener, just and fair. When I make disciplinary decisions within my classroom I want them to based on those above words.

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I have been trying to think of a specific situation that this would apply to all week and nothing is coming to mind. When reading this scenario it does make me think about the fact that I am often an emotional reactor and often have to go back and explain my actions to students. I think that if I was able to take a more analytical approach to situations and step back prior to reacting I might have less relationship repair conversations on the back end. With that said often a very real reaction followed by a very real apology or explaination is often a building block to relationships with my students

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To be a fly on the way…. When reading this question, I originally thought “wow that would be difficult.” However, taking some time to reflect on why and how impactful it can be, I have truly started to understand the importance of doing this. I think for me personally taking a self-distance perspective will take a lot of practice, however, will allow me to see different situations from viewpoints of students, parents, and administration.

The following situation was a challenge I dealt with all school year with one of my students. I choose this situation because for next year, I want to know how to handle these situations better. What can I do differently? How can I react differently? How can I make sure I am still caring and compassionate? How do I let my students know I understand their anxieties about different issues?

This student had a difficult time adjusting to school in America. Ultimately, she struggled fitting in…. she was new to the country and a 6th grader. This is a huge adjustment period, which caused a lot of anxiety. When she was in class, she was loud, talked out of turn, rolled on the floor, would not control her body, and disrespected her classmates.

This caused several issues for her regarding her behavior in school. She also had several attendance issues, which did not help the consistently of trying to support her academic and s and her social emotional needs.

I often would speak to this student outside in the hallway. I worked with the guidance counselor, on three simple things for her to work on while in my classroom. 1. Control your body 2. Kind words

However, many times she was so distracting- I would often have to speak to her in the hallway. I look back at this situation…. Often times I was frustrated. I spent several minutes trying to calm her down when I could have been working with my other students. I am hoping an observer would see that I truly am kind and compassionate towards my students, but after weeks of dealing with the same behaviors, I probably came off as not my best. I think taking a step back to reflect on how I can act to support my students needs is important. Next year, I am working with my guidance counselors and joining the schools PBIS team to help make sure behaviors like this can be controlled and learning can be maximized.

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When I think about my last 9 years of teaching I think I am doing pretty good at a self distanced perspective.  My first job was teaching Kindergarten on a Native American Reservation.  Our dean of students gave a presentation one time about students needing the most love ask for it in the hardest ways.  This little sentence has stuck with me through out my teaching career.
A few years ago I had a boy who was so smart. He was one of the highest in my class. He would go from telling me amazing stories to throwing chairs across the room. As the year went on his mom went from understanding and trying to help to blaming me for being to hard on him.  She repeated over and over to me that he was just a typical 5 year old boy.  A fly on the wall would see a struggling teacher getting frustrated with a boy who she didn't understand his behavior.
One day during my prep I reflected on what was going on with this student  and what I could do to help.  I thought about what was going on at this boys home. New step dad and a sibling on the way. Oh my goodness! What was this boy feeling on the inside?! While him and I still had our moments of confrontation, I was way quicker to just give him a little hug and let him know how much I appreciated his wonderful self.

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A self distanced perspective is of course the best way to view difficult situations!  It certainly takes our the sting or the emotions of hurt and defensiveness!  This can be used not only for school but for personal situations as well!  To me the challenging part is learning how to be that fly on the wall, because I very often wear my heart on my sleeve!  One thing I have learned about myself is that I can’t say what is on my mind at the time!  It always goes so much better when I take a step back, breathe deeply and sometimes even wait a day or two before I respond!  When I do this it always allows me to see the other person’s point of view and sometimes gives me a deeper understanding of why we are in the situation we are in at the time!  But, some days this is really hard for me and it is something I need to continue to work on!  Having this idea of another person viewing the situation will probably help!  I too have had a few interactions with parents about their student, where I felt I was being put on the spot or questioned!  It is never a good feeling! However, I must say that through my years of teaching, almost always there is another issue the parent is struggling with and really it has nothing to do with me! So usually if I just let them vent, wait a bit and carefully respond with understanding and openness, the relationship is mended and sometimes even stronger than before!

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I definitely spend too much time worrying about what other people think of my actions.  Although thinking that there is as fly on the wall is a good way of keeping you accountable.

I thought back to a time when I was dealing with a 5th grade boy that at the end of the year was very defiant. It was like he wanted others to see him doing so. If someone was watching my interactions with him for the most part I think I stayed calm. But, there were times where I was fed up and instead of taking the time to talk to him I just sent him to a break in the next room. Hi behavior frustrated me and sometimes I just needed some time to calm down. I think the observer would have been better at seeing that the behavior was not about being disrespectful to me, but about being seen a certain way from his peers.

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While reading this my brain went back to the old Miley Cyrus song "Fly on the Wall."  HA.

I think the idea of taking a self-distance perspective is a great idea!  However, this great idea would/will take lots of practice to perfect - at least for me.  I really like how a self-distanced perspective focuses on taking you out of the heat of the moment and recenters you on the facts and the completely objective look at the situation.  I think by following this self-distance perspective, my reactions to tough situations will be more calm and will result in less anxiety after the situation is over.

A challenge that arose near the end of the school year was a situation that came up with a students' parent. I received an email, took many deep breaths, and picked up the phone to call her and discuss the situation. I tried to put myself in the parents shoes before I called her, to understand her side. I think this might be kind of an off-branch of self-distance perspective?

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The practice of taking a self-distanced perspective is a lot more challenging than it seems, in my opinion. I am a worrier in general and definitely have a difficult time not getting caught up in various emotions or over analyzing a situation, whether it is at school or in my personal life.

A past challenge that comes to mind when reflecting upon this idea is dealing with a difficult parent. It is really easy to have a self-immersed perspective in this situation and think that you are right. I think taking a self-distanced perspective in this situation is a really good idea to try to empathize with the parent, listen, and respond appropriately.