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Red - New thoughts or messages that I find to be important.
Green - For my own sake.
Black - Old posts
Yellow - Posts I want to keep and cherish
Blue - Development

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I do not want anybody using this to say, "You are admitting you are guilty to what you were accused." I am not admitting I r*ped anyone because I didn't. What happened was a lack of communication in a consenting relationship. What I have and will always be forward and fully in depth about is the manipulation, abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, and toxicity. I was a toxic human. I hurt many people and I am fully aware of that. This is my hoping that all will understand my words, what they mean, and for what purpose they serve. I humbly invite anybody who feels like it to comment on my posts here, or even text me directly. I hope this keeps things all clear. Thank you.

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I wonder if you still think about hurting me bad, and I wonder then, why do I care? Do I want you to? Do I want you to cleanse me of my mistakes. Make me regret everything. Make me beg for mercy in those final moments. Is it the peace of mind I get. A sort of "we're even now." Maybe I want to feel the consequences of the pain I caused. Whatever it may be, I hope that you forgive me now. I hope that those thoughts are nothing but a distant memory. A dream, a figment, a subconscious idea. I hope you forgive me, because I know I can't forgive myself.

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one year. one year as of yesterday. one year ago yesterday i made a mistake. it hurt me, but it also hurt another. one year. one year ago he trusted me. one year ago today he trusted me more than he ever trusted anyone before. one year ago i was a manipulator. i was toxic, horrible, manipulative, and overall negative. i gaslit a boy who deserved better. i ruined two peoples' lives. i hurt him. one year ago i begged my own body to just hold on a while longer so i could keep him happy. did he notice how unhappy i was? i was wrong to try to fix the problem while he was unaware. i was wrong to try cheap tricks to keep myself happy. i should have told him. i tried, but every time he cried. i shouldn't have pulled back. i should have gone through with it. maybe then he'd be happy. maybe then i'd be ok. maybe then. maybe one year ago will change a year from now. maybe one year ago will have new meaning three from now. maybe one year ago won't exist in four. maybe one year ago will be a forgotten memory, but a learned lesson in five. maybe one year ago i will forgive myself. maybe two i will repent. maybe three i will move on. all i know is he deserved better. though i may never be able to formally apologize to him, i hope he knows how sorry i am for the manipulation and abusive tendencies. i hope he knows it wasn't his fault. i hope he knows i wasn't aware. i hope that he doesn't see me as what they do, but still sees me as manipulative. i hope he can forgive me, and if he cant i hope he finds peace. I, Ashen Eugene Price, hope that he, [REDACTED], does find peace, if not within himself, within someone who will make him happy. I hope that he can forgive me for the acts of which I committed, though not all that are publicized are true, those which are I ask forgiveness. Though I don't deserve it, I ask. I ask he never let me, or the memory of such, have influence over him are what he decides. [REDACTED], please know I have not developed hatred, and any wrong doings you may feel you committed, they're not your fault. Please be happy, and forget me, whether you forgive me first or not.

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I am sorry for everything that has been said on this padlet. I truly didn't mean anything by it, except for the part about you stretching the truth. I get that seems like an empty apology but it is sincere. I do mean what I said, I'm sorry. I hope you can continue to live your life with me sitting at the back of your head. I hope you can forget me altogether, forever.

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...I never meant for this to happen
...I was not at fault for your misdeeds
...you screwed me over
...you get to move on like nothing happened
...you hurt me and still blame it on everyone else
...you never take credit for anything you do.
Looking back? Looking back, Evan, you gaslighted me to the point I don't even know if I can trust my own thoughts.

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i was a sh*thead. I realized that long ago. He called me out long after i realized what i had done. I guess the truth is i regret more than ever the way i treated him. I was disrespectful. I was manipulative. I was toxic. I wouldnt say abusive but sh*tty nonetheless. I try to make up for the mistakes of the past every day but it seems as if I can’t get past my mistakes. They are holding me back, but i dont understand why. I don’t understand what happened, i didnt know he was in that headspace. I thought i never saw him in that headspace for the longest time. I didn’t recognize a change between his normal headspace and his little headspace, but I guess I did things while he was in that headspace. I wouldn’t say I took advantage of him, i didn’t know he was in that headspace, but i understand the effect of that situation. He may have felt taken advantage of. the past is the past and no longer can I fix it, but i’m learning and growing. That’s what counts.

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Who are they? What do they want with me? Why do they look so much like that? I don't want to see them. Why are they here? I want to hide. I don't want to be hurt. I want to feel safe again. I think about the past. The happiness, before March. The good times, the happy times, the few times I didn't feel disgusting and gross and in pain. Some moments with him did make me happy, though I have been damaged. I look back and wish I would have done something different, about it all. Not the allegations. Not the rumors. None of the negative. I wish I could go back and make the positive just a little bit more positive. Do I miss those days? Some what. I miss how happy I felt. Even though it turned out horribly the good times were good. Damn me to hell for saying it but, he made me happy sometimes. Damn me to hell but, I miss the good times. Do I miss him? No. No, but not because of hatred, because of guilt. I hurt him in so many ways(I'm not saying I did what he claims). I was toxic, and though there's a fine line between manipulation and abuse, I think I may have come close to crossing that line at times. The only thing that keeps me sane is no matter how much bad I did, I want to make up for it all. I don't know how but I want to set things straight. Everything. This town deserves that at least. Did I ever do anything with mal intent? Absolutely not, never, not once did I ever do anything to cause harm. My actions caused harm and I recognize that. I take full responsibility for the harm my actions may have caused, but never once did I do such things for the purpose of bringing pain to another. I was selfish and blind, but I never hurt others for my benefit, I find it despicable, using humans as stepping stones on the path to greatness. What does it mean then? All that success, at what cost? I miss it all. I miss May through August. I miss Ken. I miss my friends. I miss my old life. I guess I have to experience pain for the good times to really feel good. My experiences are important to who I am. I miss the days where my biggest worry was finding a lover. Everything hurts now. Everything has gone sour. Everything has gone down hill. It's time to climb that hill again. I can no longer hide in it's shadow, for the sun is rising above it again. I will be in direct contact with that light eventually, why not make something of it.

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I will not let your empty statements rule over me as if it is fact. If you attempted to even touch me I'd be ready. Don't you think I've known? don't you think I've been waiting late at night. Sitting in my bed with a bat, ready to protect myself. Stop it. You can't hurt me anymore. You are weak. You are the abuser. You are the manipulator.
You. Are. The. Liar.
Cope.

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I am not a man. I am not a monster. I am not Nathan. I am none of the things you may call me. You lie, you're hurt, you cheat. I didn't do this. I didn't do it. If you could see and hear what I had seen and heard maybe you would stop, but you can't. You can't see what I saw. You can't hear what I heard. What happened in my view was nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another experience. You have ruined me, because you don't believe me. You lied. You lied. You lied. I hate you.

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This body. This disgusting hunk of meat. It's not mine. It was Nathan's, but Nathan is dead. He died long ago. I can no longer see him when I close my eyes. I see Ashen. Ashen, me, but not the one in the mirror, or in photos, or in the eyes of others. No, a different person. One who looks different, but thinks, acts, and seems like me. The real Ashen is somewhere else, while I am stuck in a vessel that was owned by a toxic human being. One that I should have killed long before.

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I get how you'd think I'm a narcissist. I show many of the traits. I've considered it myself many-a time. I don't think I am. I have many reasons but the main one is I'm VERY aware of my mistakes and that I'm in no way perfect. That's all.

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I kind of hope you somehow find this, but I know if you do you will use it against me. You can't hurt me more than you have. You ruined me. My life here is over. I have to start fresh. Abandon everyone I ever loved, because I made the stupid mistake of inviting you to McDonalds that fateful Sunday. I wish I never met you.

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could you stop? I am not at fault. I didn't do anything to hurt you and you know that. YOU didn't tell me. YOU decided to keep it a secret. I just wanted to make you happy.... I thought I did.... but you wouldn't have ever told me otherwise....

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This picture makes me smile

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Semi. Epic. I have all of my clothes picked out and I'm genuinely really excited. I really like my clothes for Semi. I think I'll look good. I hope at least. I think I pull off the style I'm going for. I kind of hope that I get lucky. Maybe something happens. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot recently. Humph. Man, life ain't what it used to be. Well, I'm going to have fun.

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I am feeling better. Noah and me are on speaking terms again. It seems like I have surprised everyone since I've met them, in a good way. It seems like I'm appreciated and I'm extremely thankful for that. I love all of my friends, platonic-ally, of course.

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I'm really excited for semi. I don't know why but I am. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I hope it goes well

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something bad. thats whats going to happen, soon. I can tell. I feel it. It's already started. I don't know what to do. I can't even hardly talk to her about the topic because it hurts, but I am her friend. Friends talk about their problems. I'm not letting my personal problems into the mix. I hate this. I hate it all. It's all going to come crumbling down soon. I can feel it. But at least it all should work out in the end :)

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Last night was the best night so far. Everything is coming back together. I finally worked stuff out and I'm working on the things that caused those problems but that's not something that I need any help with. I went to bed happy and comfortable being me. First time in a while. :)

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I'm not mad but sometimes people word things really poorly and it hurts because I don't think they mean to come off the way they do but they come off as they think they know everything. I know I do it. I'm not perfect. It just is really just ugh. People, including me, need to think about how they word things more.

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I think I should write a book about all of my friends. That would be epic. comment on this if you want to be part of it.

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who you callin pinhead?

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Airheads are $0.25 at Albanese. They're so good. I love Airheads. I would love anybody who bought me a bunch of Airheads. "You'd get fat." No, why would I do that? "Airheads make you fat." Airheads make you fat? Scott Pilgrim vs. The World reference. The offer still stands ;)

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Am I the guy no one likes? Not like nobody likes him but if you do like him your friends don't like it. Am I that guy? The guy that no matter who it is someone has a problem with their friends being friends with me.

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coming to terms. the hardest part. i couldn't the first time, so why would i try this time?

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sometimes people ask me if I vibe. I just tell them "does the sun shine?" last time I did that at night, the sun came up. So yeah, I kind of vibe.

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I want a pet raccoon

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raccoooooooon

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holy crap raccoons are cute

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I want to go home, like now. I want to talk to person and play borderlands 3

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maroo be like yahoo

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Does she ever think about me?

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Borderlands 3 is so fun. I love the game so much. I wish somebody would get it and play it with me.