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Local townsmen in the providence of Glamis have claimed to seen witches atop a local hill the children are scared to play on. “I mean, I would’ve screamed too; like great googly moogly- I can’t even grow a beard like that.” said the serf who was currently working on trimming the bushes. On site reporter Camilla also reported that she saw Macbeth of Glamis and his partner Banquo trotting down the hill- parallel to the site of the reports. When asked for a comment Macbeth of Glamis declined however his partner Banquo was quoted, “I’m only speaking to distract you from the fact that there are witches, and, Macbeth of Glamis and I met with them; we are plotting something pretty wild.” What a classic! That is why we love Banquo- so funny and never lies to his people! Thereafter, proceeding numerous hours of scouring the hill, our on site reporter Camilla found one of the three witches cooking a missing sailor from years back, “Oh lord, a guest! I haven’t seen one in ages; please have a seat!” Camilla reported that while the offer was nice she was on a strict no salt diet. “No worries sweetheart, we also have some wood planks and some sea snakes if you don’t want to be left out.” On site reporter Camilla- world renowned journalist and investigator happened to be terrified of snakes and reportedly blacked out and was found back in her home in Scotland. All hail King Duncan!

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Dear, Barkevious: Witch of the East, I would say the only thing holding you back is your choice of supermarket. I personally would choose an upper scale product playground such as Publix- your local neighborhood market. I would also recommend going and getting your beard trimmed. Every good witch goes with the horseshoe style these days. As for the large lady with the chestnuts, I would say to the fiery lake with her. Entertain the porter who with the slightest smirk would pass on his salutations. Oddly enough, I would not recommend changing yourself to please others; you should much rather present yourself in a different fashion. Good-luck and Keep witching.

-Abby

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Dear Abby,
It has come to my great displeasure- that I: Barkevious, Witch of the East, am cursed by God’s outcast Jezebel. I have waited centuries which feel like seconds, and eternities that pass by like minutes; my suffering seems to never quite quench the entity in charge. In recent terms, a lady of sardonic quantity, hoarded her bountiful chestnuts from me at our local Walmart Supermarket. “Aroint thee, witch!” She assaulted me with deplorable- words only defend-able by the likes of Beowulf himself. Words spilled out her wretched face; I, in complete dismay, beseech the irrational foe in isle 6; for it is known, the chestnuts were debt ridden to her lover overseas. As a classy witch entails: beard, broom, and all; cursed the lady is in spite of her decision to harm thee. I digress, how in God’s name do I break the unholy trinity and restore myself to the mortal position of human. I have clocked a multitude of hours playing the devil’s advocate, however it is time to restore for the greater good. Do I cut my hair? Do I shave my beard? What on this green earth do I need to explore, extract, or discover to relinquish the evil that entices me?

- A worried [former] witch

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Hot off the print exclusive by your Scottish Scribe: it turns out you cannot slay a king and get away with it! Our once King and beloved guard of the holy kingdom: Macbeth, was caught in a major scandal which nearly cost the kingdom its livelihood. After accidentally spilling the beans- quite literally as he was a nervous wreck according to King Malcolm. Macbeth confessed to the treasonous act of king slaying. Malcolm told on scene local reporters that, “Yeah I mean my dad is dead and all- but you gotta look at the bright side, I have my own room now.. And also a castle.” Malcolm was seen shortly after, still obviously in an adrenaline rush, “I mean you should have seen the look on his face- like three witches appeared, he was white as a ghost.” King Malcolm, who was next in the loyal lineage, now reigns over our Scottish canvas. All hail King Malcolm!

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King Duncan’s Son Malcolm was recently spotted trying to cross a river with his horse. “I didn’t do it” he told our reporter Camilla. We had no idea what he was talking about, but neither did he. Just after Camilla took his interview, he was caught trying to swim with his horse. “He looked scared, I tried to ask him if he needed help, but he said no; like chill- it’s not like your dad died..” Said a local eyewitness. Malcolm scurried off in a hurry; with a frenzied look plastered on his face, he seemed to be heading towards the border. “Never have I seen a man ride a horse like that, It looked like a rodeo out there; swinging left, swinging right, swinging left again- and boom- just like that he was back on track. All the way to England, or something like that..”More tomorrow morning as we search to find his brother for a statement.

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A castle in Scotland has recently reported-  (presumably), Macbeth of Cawdor; high out of his mind. Macbeth was caught rambling about how he reddened the seas as well as a bloody dagger- which was never found. His Wife (Lady Macbeth) said he is just confused and has been sleep deprived since his previous battle. She was quoted, “Yeah- I mean he gets like this sometimes. I think it is just because he likes to kill people and stuff, ya know for the king and all. But in the end I don’t really know; I just like to drink and play outside with the trees.” Lady Macbeth is also in question, as it turns out; she has no trees outside her castle. It seems this providence has been plastered with a hallucinogenic substance, or we all just crazy! All hail King Duncan!