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Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking

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Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking

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There are 3 million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse often precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Both men and women abuse others, and unfortunately, many don't even know it.
Why is Emotional Abuse Hard to Recognize?
Emotional abuse may be hard to recognize because it can be subtle, and because abusers often blame their victims. They may act like they have no idea why you are upset. Additionally, you may have been treated this way in past relationships, so it's familiar to you and harder to recognize. Over time, the abuser will chip away at your self-esteem, causing you to feel guilty, doubt yourself, and distrust your perceptions.

Other aspects of the relationship may work well: The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them. You may not have had a healthy relationship for comparison, and when the abuse takes place in private, there are no witnesses to validate your experience.
The Personality of an Abuser
Abusers typically want to control and dominate. They use verbal abuse to accomplish this. They are self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, and they lack empathy and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding. To maintain control, some abusers "take hostages," meaning that they may try to isolate you from your friends and family. Their moods can shift from fun-loving and romantic to sullen and angry. Some punish with anger, others with silence - or both. It's usually "their way or the highway."
Are You Being Abused?
Emotional abuse may start out innocuously, but grow as the abuser becomes more assured that you won't leave the relationship. It may not begin until after an engagement, marriage, or pregnancy. If you look back, you may recall tell-tale signs of control or jealousy. Eventually, you and the entire family will "walk on eggshells" and adapt so as not to upset the abuser. Being subjected to emotional abuse over time can lead to anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, inhibited sexual desire, chronic pain, or other physical symptoms.

People who respect and honor themselves won't allow someone to abuse them. Many people allow abuse to continue because they fear confrontations. Usually, they are martyrs, caretakers, or pleasers. They feel guilty and blame themselves. Some aren't able to access their anger and power in order to stand up for themselves, while others ineffectively argue, blame, and are abusive themselves, but they still don't know how to set appropriate boundaries.

If you've allowed abuse to continue, there's a good chance that you were abused by someone in your past, although you may not recognize it as such. It could have been a strict or alcoholic father, an invasive mother, or a teasing sibling. Healing involves understanding how you've been abused, forgiving yourself, and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence.
What is Emotional Abuse?
If you're wondering if your relationship is abusive, it probably is. Emotional abuse, distinct from physical violence (including shoving, cornering, breaking and throwing things, etc.), is speech and/or behavior that's derogating, controlling, punishing, or manipulative. Withholding love, communication, support, or money are indirect methods of control and maintaining power. Passive-aggressive behavior is covert hostility. The passive-aggressor is "a wolf in sheep's clothing." (For tips on how to respond, see " Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Partner.")

Behavior that controls where you go, to whom you talk, or what you think is abusive. It's one thing to say, "If you buy the dining room set, we cannot afford a vacation," and another to cut up your credit cards. Spying, stalking, and invading your person, space, or belongings is also abusive, because it disregards personal boundaries.

Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse, but it's often unrecognized, because it may be subtle and insidious. It may be said in a loving, quiet voice, or be indirect - or even concealed as a joke. Whether disguised as play or jokes, sarcasm or teasing that is hurtful is abusive.

Obvious and direct verbal abuse, such as threats, judging, criticizing, lying, blaming, name-calling, ordering, and raging, are easy to recognize. Following are other subtle types of verbal abuse that are just as damaging as overt forms, particularly because they are harder to detect. When experienced over time, they have an insidious, deleterious effect, because you begin to doubt and distrust yourself.

Opposing: The abuser will argue against anything you say, challenging your perceptions, opinions, and thoughts. The abuser doesn't listen or volunteer thoughts or feelings, but treats you as an adversary, in effect saying "No" to everything, so a constructive conversation is impossible.

Blocking: This is another tactic used to abort conversation. The abuser may switch topics, accuse you, or use words that in effect say, "Shut Up."

Discounting & Belittling: This is verbal abuse that minimizes or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It's a way of saying that your feelings don't matter or are wrong.

Undermining & Interrupting: These words are meant to undermine your self-esteem and confidence, such as, "You don't know what you're talking about," finishing your sentences, or speaking on your behalf without your permission.

Denying: An abuser may deny that agreements or promises were made, or that a conversation or other events took place, including prior abuse. The abuser instead may express affection or make declarations of love and caring. This is crazy-making and manipulative behavior, which leads you to gradually doubt your own memory, perceptions, and experience. In the extreme, a persistent pattern is called gaslighting, named after the classic Ingrid Bergman movie, . In it, a husband used denial in a plot to make his wife believe she was losing her grip on reality.
Confronting Abuse
In order to confront the abuse, it's important to understand that the intent of the abuser is to control you and avoid meaningful conversation. Abuse is used as a tactic to manipulate and have power over you. (See " How to Spot Manipulation.") If you focus on the content, you'll fall into the trap of trying to respond rationally, denying accusations, and explaining yourself, and will lose your power. The abuser has won at that point and deflected responsibility for the verbal abuse.

Sometimes, you can deflect verbal abuse with humor. It puts you on equal footing and deprives the abuser of the power they seek in belittling you. Repeating back what is said to you also has an impact, followed by a calm boundary. For example, "Did you say you think that I don't know what doing?" You may get a defiant repetition of the insult. Then follow up with, "I disagree," or "I don't see it that way," or "I know exactly what I'm doing."

In some cases, verbal abuse is best addressed with forceful statements such as, "Stop it," "Don't talk to me that way," "That's demeaning," "Don't call me names," "Don't raise your voice at me," "Don't use that tone with me," "I don't respond to orders," etc. In this way, you set a boundary of how you want to be treated and take back your power. The abuser may respond with, "Or what?" You can say, "I will not continue this conversation."

Typically, a verbal abuser may become more abusive; in which case, you continue to address the abuse in the same manner. You might say, "If you continue, I'll leave the room," and do so if the abuse continues. If you keep setting boundaries, the abuser will get the message that manipulation and abuse won't be effective. The relationship may or may not change for the better, or deeper issues may surface. Either way, you're rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem, and are learning important skills about setting boundaries. (See " The Power of Personal Boundaries.")

Abuse can slowly chip away at self-esteem. Usually, both the abuser and the victim in a relationship have experienced shaming in childhood and already have impaired self-esteem. Confronting an abuser, especially in a long-term relationship, can be challenging. It often takes the support and validation of a group, therapist, or counselor to be able to consistently stand-up to abuse. Without it, you may doubt your reality, feel guilty, and fear loss of the relationship or reprisal. If it feels daunting, you can try a different, educative approach. (See Dealing with a Narcissist: How to Raise Self-Esteem and Set boundaries with Difficult People.)

Once you take back your power and regain your self-esteem, you won't allow someone to abuse you. If the abuse stops, a relationship may improve, but for real, positive change, both of you must be willing to risk change.
Build your self-esteem and learn to be assertive by using the tools in my ebooks, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits, and webinar, How to be Assertive. To go deeper and explore the seeds of low-self-esteem, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. ©Darlene Lancer 2010, 2017

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Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking

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There are 3 million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse often precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Both men and women abuse others, and unfortunately, many don't even know it. Why is Emotional Abuse Hard to Recognize?

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Resources

Mental Health

Treatment for People with an Emotional or Mental Health Challenge

Problem Gambling

Resources for Compulsive Gambling

Benefit Resources

Benefits Access Specialists are available M-F 9am-7pm to review the DSHS programs you may be eligible for. They offer a pre-screening for services and if you qualify, they can complete the DSHS application with you, over the phone. Call 1-866-789-1511 and push '2' on your phone to get connected.
Information about DSHS Programs
Need to Contact DSHS Customer Service?
Call 1-877-501-2233

About Washington Recovery Help Line

The Washington Recovery Help Line is a program of Crisis Connections. We offer an anonymous, confidential 24-hour help line for Washington State residents. This help line is for those experiencing substance use disorder, problem gambling, and/or a mental health challenge . Our professionally-trained staff provide emotional support. They can also connect callers with local treatment resources or more community services.

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The Washington Recovery Help Line - 1.866.789.1511 - Find Support & Resources

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Washington Recovery Help Line is a 24-hour help line for substance use, problem gambling, and mental health challenges. Find support and resources here.

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Alcohol addiction is not always easy to recognize in yourself or a loved one, but it can have devastating effects if left untreated. Seeking help for alcohol dependency can begin when you decide to find a reputable alcohol addiction recovery hotline and make the call to them.

Warning Signs of Dependency

"Alcohol is a depressant that can be addictive when overused. It is important to be aware of the early warning signs that may indicate that someone has an alcohol addiction."Alcohol is a depressant that can be addictive when overused. It is important to be aware of the early warning signs that may indicate that someone has an alcohol addiction. According to the University of Notre Dame, the following can indicate a problem with alcohol:

Legal troubles associated with alcohol

Drinking in dangerous social situations

Inability to meet home, school or work responsibilities due to drinking

Continued alcohol use despite negative social impacts from drinking

If you or someone you know has exhibited one or more of these behaviors, it may be time to seek help. You can contact a reputable alcohol addiction recovery hotline or find a high-quality alcohol addiction treatment program by calling . Our knowledgeable staff is available 24/7 to help you find the best rehab and recovery treatment programs available in your area.

How Alcohol Abuse Changes the Body

Prolonged alcohol abuse can have serious effects on the health of an addict. The Centers for Disease Control states that the following neurological problems and chronic illnesses can be the result of alcohol abuse:

Cirrhosis of the liver

Pancreatitis

Gastritis

Alcoholic hepatitis

Hypertension

Cardiomyopathy

Dementia

Stroke

There are other health risks associated with alcohol abuse that may not be as obvious. Those who drink to excess are more likely to be hurt from a fall or an accidental drowning. Alcohol can also be a contributing factor in traffic or car accidents, domestic violence and child abuse, according to the CDC.

One way to prevent serious health risks associated with alcohol abuse is to stop drinking with the help of trained professionals. It is never too late to end alcohol abuse and start living a drug-free and sober lifestyle.

A study released by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism reported that 43 percent of men surveyed stated they had consumed more than five drinks within two hours on at least one occasion. Over 28 percent of the women surveyed stated they had consumed at least four drinks in a single hour. Binge drinking, such as that reported in the study, can lead to alcohol poisoning and, in some cases, death. If you care about someone who participates in binge drinking, you can get help by calling . We can help you find a reputable alcohol addiction recovery program when you call our hotline.

Help for Your Addiction

Alcohol addiction hotlines are one way to seek help for a drinking problem. Trained professionals can give addicts helpful advice in times of crisis. Hotlines are also helpful for people who need to talk about their addiction problems with someone who understands the nature of the disease. Counseling or therapy through an addiction hotline is one of the first steps to take on the path to a healthier future.

In addition to the counseling services offered through an addiction recovery hotline, recovery treatment centers provide valuable help for those struggling with alcohol dependency. Remember, you don't have to face recovery alone. We can help you find the most ideal alcohol treatment facilities in your area. When you call 1-888-319-2606 Who Answers?, you will be able to talk to friendly and supportive staff members willing to listen to you and find the best treatment options for you.

One of the best steps you can take to break the cycle of alcohol abuse is to find a reputable alcohol addiction recovery hotline to help you start on the path to sobriety. Call today to take that first step.

Call Now

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Find a Reputable Alcohol Addiction Recovery Hotline

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Alcohol addiction is not always easy to recognize in yourself or a loved one, but it can have devastating effects if left untreated. Seeking help for alcohol dependency can begin when you decide to find a reputable alcohol addiction recovery hotline and make the call to them.

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1. Are You Addicted to Alcohol?

2. What Is An Alcohol Abuse Hotline?

3. Should I Call an Alcohol Hotline?

4. What If I'm Afraid to Call?

5. Additional Alcohol Abuse Hotline Resources

One can rest assured that hotlines are staffed with compassionate individuals who are there to help--a friendly, judgment-free, helpful voice awaits those who call.

Whether you are in the midst of an alcohol related crisis, or if you are acting on behalf of a loved one struggling with alcohol abuse, a phone call to a helpline is a good way to place yourself in touch with someone experienced with alcohol abuse and dependency issues. There are many questions concerning drug and alcohol related issues that can start to be addressed with a hotline call. Furthermore, hotline staff will be able to connect those in need with a number of alcohol rehabilitation and recovery centers either locally, or anywhere in the country.

Are You Addicted to Alcohol?

Many people experiencing the ill effects of their drinking behavior frequently wonder if they have a problem that needs professional attention. Hotline staff frequently can help answer questions like these--for this reason alone, it might be a good idea to make the call. If you are asking yourself similar questions, chances are, at the very least, you are experiencing some difficulties related to alcohol abuse. For both those questioning the seriousness of an alcohol problem and those who have accepted that a problem exists, but are unsure of how to proceed in seeking treatment, a call to a hotline can provide some answers. Hotline information can help one make an informed decision about an existing alcohol abuse or dependency and about seeking further help, such as inpatient alcohol rehab.
Some of the criteria for alcohol dependency include:

Tolerance to the effects of alcohol.

Experiencing alcohol withdrawal syndrome.

Use of alcohol above and beyond what was intended.

A desire / inability to cut down on drinking behavior.

Loss of interest or participation in previous activities.

Continued use despite being aware of the problems it is causing.

One does not have to meet all criteria to be experiencing the devastating effects of alcohol abuse. If you think you or a loved one might be in the grips of alcohol dependency, and could use the help of a rehab or recovery center, call 1-888-744-0069 Who Answers? to discuss your available options.

Who Answers?

What Is An Alcohol Abuse Hotline?

An alcohol abuse hotline is, typically, a phone service operated 7 days a week, 24 hours per day. Depending on the agency that maintains the service, a hotline can provide assistance on a number of levels. Some might offer general information on the signs and symptoms of alcohol or drug abuse, while others provide more emergent interventional services to place the caller in touch with available treatment resources.

Family and loved ones, additionally, might use a hotline to research intervention strategies for someone close to them. One can rest assured that hotlines are staffed with compassionate individuals who are there to help--a friendly, judgment free, helpful voice awaits those who call.

Should I Call an Alcohol Hotline?

As mentioned before, individuals suffering from alcohol abuse, as well as their family and friends, frequently might be aware of the issue on some level, but unclear if it has progressed to a point that requires outside help. Time isn't going to help answer this question. Calling a hotline could be an all-important first step to yield the answers to many of these questions, and to put someone on the path to recovery.

Call 1-888-744-0069 Who Answers? to speak with a trained, sympathetic specialist--one who understands what you might be experiencing and that is able to put you in touch with the help that you or your loved one require as well as who can give you best facts and information about alcohol.

What If I'm Afraid to Call?

Obtaining help while in the midst of the chaos that alcohol abuse and/or dependency can give rise to can seem like quite a daunting prospect. Often, a call to a hotline is a courageous first step taken in seeking help for alcohol abuse. There really is nothing to fear in picking up the phone. There are no financial risks or obligations in placing a call.

The specialists answering the call are there to help you. Some might take comfort in knowing that they aren't the only ones placing hotline calls--the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), which operates its own helpline, reported nearly 28,000 calls per month in 2013. It's a staggering number, and attests to the huge numbers of people in need of more information and, ultimately, treatment assistance.

Additional Alcohol Abuse Hotline Resources

Here are some national hotline numbers, provided as additional resources for those struggling with alcohol abuse or alcohol related problems.

In the event of a severe alcohol related crisis, please call 911 emergency services.

Boys Town National Hotline

1 (800) 448-3000

Crisis, resource and referral line staffed by counselors to provide information about a variety of issues, including alcohol abuse.

Covenant House Teen Hotline (NineLine)

1 (800) 999-9999

General hotline for adolescents, teens and their families. Assistance is offered for alcohol related or any other kind of problem. Additionally, Covenant House pays particular attention to runaway and homeless kids.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD)

1 (800) NCA-CALL (622-2255)

NCADD's HOPE LINE places those struggling with alcohol and other substance abuse issues in touch with helpful local resources.

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

1 (800) 662-HELP (4357)

National agency dedicated to prevention of drug and alcohol abuse. Their helpline provides 24 hour assistance..

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 (800) 273-TALK (8255)

Provides assistance beyond suicide help - including that for alcohol abuse

Governmental sites on the web also provide a wealth of information and resources, often at a state or local level, to those seeking assistance with alcohol abuse related issues. A good way to begin the search for this type of help is to enter a search for your particular state, as well as ".gov" using your web browser. This should provide many results to choose from, with numerous examples of phone numbers to reach out to for help.

Sources:

Office of the Surgeon General (US); National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (US); Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US). The Surgeon General's Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking. Rockville (MD): Office of the Surgeon General (US); 2007. Appendix B: DSM-IV-TR Diagnostic Criteria for Alcohol Abuse and Dependence. Retrieved from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44358/.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. SAMHSA's National Helpline: Frequently Asked Questions. September 2014. Retrieved from: http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline.

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Are You Addicted to Alcohol? What Is An Alcohol Abuse Hotline? Should I Call an Alcohol Hotline? What If I'm Afraid to Call? Additional Alcohol Abuse Hotline Resources One can rest assured that hotlines are staffed with compassionate individuals who are there to help--a friendly, judgment-free, helpful voice awaits those who call.

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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

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Frequently Asked Questions - What is SAMHSA’s National Helpline?

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Defining Harassment

Washington state law ( RCW Chapter 10.14) defines unlawful harassment as a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person which seriously alarms, annoys, harasses or is detrimental to such person and serves no legitimate or lawful purpose. The course of conduct shall be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotion distress, or when the course of conduct would cause a reasonable parent to fear for the well-being of their child.
Under Washington law, "course of conduct" means a pattern of conduct composed of a series of acts over a period of time, however short, evidencing a continuity of purpose. "Course of conduct" includes the sending of an electronic communication, but does not include constitutionally protected free speech. An individual may request an order of protection that may prohibit harassment, contact and restrain the person (respondent) from coming within a specific distance of one's residence, workplace or school.

Transfer of Harassment Cases

Under recent amendments passed by the Washington State Legislature in 2011, the District Court has original jurisdiction over these actions. However, the District Court must transfer such petitions to the Superior Court when it is shown that:

A - The respondent to the petition is under 18 years of age

B - The action involves title or possession of real property

C - A superior court has exercised or is exercising jurisdiction over a proceeding involving the parties

D - The action would have the effect of interfering with a respondent's care, control or custody of the respondent's minor child

Filing for a Protection Order

First, review the harassment and stalking protection order worksheet.
You may complete the interview process for an antiharassment petition online. Please review additional information on the eServices page.

After you complete the petition online, you will be given a confirmation number. You must appear at the Operations Division (CCB) Public counter (930 Tacoma Ave. S. Room 239, Tacoma, WA 98402) within 72 hours and with your confirmation number to pay a fee of $98 (the $83 filing fee plus $15 for three certified copies), receive a copy of your petition and schedule your court appearance.

Antiharassment petitions must be filed by 10:30 a.m. the day you would like to go to court. Any filings after 10:30 a.m. will be seen the next business day. Antiharassment filings are not accepted after 3:00 p.m.

After you submit the petition online, you will be given a confirmation number. You must appear at the Public counter (Room 239 at the CCB) within 72 hours with your confirmation number to pay the filing fees outlined below and receive a copy of your petition. A court date will be scheduled, which is usually the same day as you appear at the counter. Your Petition will not be processed until you appear at our public counter.

Requirements

You will need to know the full name and address of the person you claim is harassing you and any other identifying information about the individual such as date of birth, driver's license number, etc. It will take you about one hour to complete the required forms.

The total fees are $98 ($83 filing fee plus $15 for certified copies). The filing fee for an antiharassment order is $83, which will not be refunded if the petition is not granted by the judge. In addition to the filing fee, you will need three certified copies of the order, which will cost you $15. The filing fee and certified copy costs must be paid by cash or credit card. Personal checks are not accepted. In some circumstances the District Court will waive the filing fee and costs. If you want the court to consider a waiver of fees, you must give the court detailed information about your income and expenses to justify the waiver. A fee waiver is not automatically granted by the judicial officer.

Know when your protective order is served

1-877-242-4055
www.registervpo.com
www.vinelink.com

Washington Protective Order Service PDF

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filing an antiharassment protection petition

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Filing an Anti-harassment Protection Petition

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Washington state law ( RCW Chapter 10.14) defines unlawful harassment as a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person which seriously alarms, annoys, harasses or is detrimental to such person and serves no legitimate or lawful purpose.

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Most King County offices will be closed on Monday, January 1, 2018, for New Year's Day.

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House of Ruth offers many opportunities for you to support the cause to end domestic violence across our communities.

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Domestic Violence | Pierce County, WA - Official Website

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Access information about recognizing domestic violence and what steps to take against it.

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Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (WSCADV)

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Hotlines

What to expect if you call a hotline

Direct connection to the domestic violence program near you.

Help to find resources in your area including safe shelter, advocacy, counseling, and legal assistance.

Crisis assistance, emotional support, and safety planning.

Access to hotline advocates in 170 languages through interpreter services.

What to expect if you call a program

A caring listening ear. All programs have people who can listen and help you sort out options.

Advocacy services. Most programs have specially trained advocates who can help with public benefits, housing, disability services, immigration, employment protections, and more.

Emergency shelter. Many programs offer shelter or other emergency housing solutions. Some programs have longer term housing for survivors and programs to support survivors to find safe, permanent housing.

Support groups. Some programs run groups for children, youth, and adults.

Legal advocacy. Most programs offer information about protective orders and other civil matters. Most do not provide legal counsel, but can refer you to free or low cost attorneys.

Crisis services. Many programs offer 24-hour crisis services.

What to expect if you go to a shelter

Every shelter is different, but usually you can expect that:

Shelters are free-no fees are charged to stay.

Most shelters have shared kitchens, common areas, and bathrooms.

If you have children, you will probably all share one bedroom.

If you are alone, you may have to share a room.

You are responsible for taking care of your own children.

All shelters must welcome service animals. However, most shelters cannot accommodate pets. They will work with you to make arrangements to have your pets cared for elsewhere.

Shelters have laundry facilities and supply linens (sheets, towels and blankets).

They usually have emergency food, clothing, and toiletries available for the first few days of a stay.

Shelters can be stressful-this is group living with others who are experiencing tough times.

You will be asked to honor the privacy of other residents by not discussing their names or situations with anyone else.

Shelters are concerned about everybody's safety, so you may be asked to keep the location a secret.

Visitors are generally not allowed.

Some shelters have computers you can use to check your email and access online resources.

Some shelters offer free cell phones for 911 calls only.

What to expect if you call a legal advocate

When you talk to a legal advocate, you can expect that:

Services are offered free of charge.

Legal advocates are not attorneys and will be unable to give legal advice.

Advocates can offer a range of services that might include:

Accompanying you to court

Helping you fill out paperwork

Helping you understand the civil or criminal process

Outlining or prioritizing the legal options that are available

Informing you about what actually goes on in court

Preparing you for a hearing or trial, and giving support before, during, and after

Referring you to low or no-cost lawyers

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Get Help Now - Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (WSCADV)

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Direct connection to the domestic violence program near you. Help to find resources in your area including safe shelter, advocacy, counseling, and legal assistance. Crisis assistance, emotional support, and safety planning. Access to hotline advocates in 170 languages through interpreter services. A caring listening ear.

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We're here for you

CALL US

Our advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.

STAY SAFE

Your safety is our priority, so all phone calls and chats are completely confidential. Learn more about online privacy and safety.

Support. Resources. Hope.

At the National Domestic Violence Hotline, our highly trained expert advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone in the United States who is experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.

The Hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to empower victims and survivors to find safety and live free of abuse. We also provide support to friends and family members who are concerned about a loved one. Resources and help can be found by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Individuals who are Deaf or hard of hearing may use TTY 1-800-787-3224. Additionally, advocates who are Deaf are available 24/7 through the National Deaf Hotline by video phone at 1-855-812-1001, Instant Messenger (DeafHotline) or email (nationaldeafhotline@adwas.org).

If it's not safe for you to call, or if you don't feel comfortable doing so, another option for getting direct help is to use our live chat service here on this website. You'll receive the same one-on-one, real-time, confidential support from a trained advocate as you would on the phone. Chat is available every day from 24/7/365. El chat en español está disponible de 12 p.m. a 6 p.m. Hora Central.

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Get Help - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

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by Aris, a Hotline advocate

Forgiveness can be difficult, and yet many people manage to do this every day with friends, family and coworkers. The path to forgiveness typically involves a wrongdoing, perhaps an apology, and some form of accountability or behavioral change. After this, the person who has been wronged decides that moving forward and "letting it go" is in everyone's best interest, thereby forgiving the initial transgression.

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National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233

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by Aris, a Hotline advocate Forgiveness can be difficult, and yet many people manage to do this every day with friends, family and coworkers. The path to forgiveness typically involves a wrongdoing, perhaps an apology, and some form of accountability or behavioral change.

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Excessive alcohol use can lead to increased risk of health problems such as injuries, violence, liver diseases, and cancer.The CDC Alcohol Program works to strengthen the scientific foundation for preventing excessive alcohol use.

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PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time.

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Borderline Personality Disorder is much talked about in psychological discussions. BPD is complicated to live with and deal with, and it is often misunderstood. In a series of posts, I will discuss the genesis of BPD, its relevance to our personal lives as well as its utility as a model for understanding different cultures, and how the treatment approaches to BPD may offer clues to managing one's relationship to those with the disorder and to oneself. This initial effort is technical, though schematic, but understanding the genesis of the disorder offers a unique opportunity for understanding its course and treatment.

Although different aspects of BPD were already being described as early as 1938 ( Helene Deutsch and the As-If personality) Margaret Mahler, more than anyone else, developed the framework upon which BPD became comprehensible. Mahler was one of the early pioneers in psychoanalysis. She had a particular interest in normal childhood development, especially focused on the earliest years of life.

[ Freud had made the Oedipal Complex (~4-6 years of age) the central determinant of character but even by the 1950s it had been recognized that for a great many patients, their problems had roots in the pre-Oedipal years. These patients were particularly difficult to treat and later analysts, building on the work of Mahler and others, were able, starting in the late 1960's to find ways to address the problems which were later understood as reflections of borderline and narcissistic pathology.]

Mahler's work was elegant and it beautifully captured the experiences of the infant. Anyone who has spent time around infants can instantly appreciate the concept of hatching, that moment in the first few months of life, when the minimally responsive infant suddenly appears to notice that the world exists! Parents note the burst of increased relatedness. The baby now coos and smiles in reaction to the parents, not merely in reaction to internal processes. The infant has begun to be involved with the world.

[The Wikipedia page for Margaret Mahler barely hints at her contributions; the Margaret Mahler Foundation offers additional resources; The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, written with Fred Pine and Anni Bergman, is an accessible introduction to her work.]

Once the infant begins to crawl (the Practicing phase) its nascent Individuation-Separation phase escalates. During this time, the infant is slowly recognizing that it is separate from its mother and beginning to develop its early primitive Theory of Mind. Parents appreciate this development, whose hallmark is the child's adamant "No!" A child who can say "No!" is a child who has successfully traversed a significant developmental milestone and is ready to enter the next phases of development.

It is during this time that the child is developing Object Constancy. Object Constancy and its inverse, Splitting, are the key concepts to understanding BPD:
During the first few years of life an infant develops multiple integrated images of the world around him. For example, to the youngest infant, the Object (mother) who soothes him with the breast or by holding him is not the same Object who denies him succor when he is in distress. When the breast doesn't soothe (because the baby is not hungry or is in distress for some other reason) the breast is not an object of pleasure but of frustration. Eventually the baby learns that the breast and the skin and the arms and the breathing and the heartbeat and the voice that soothe him, and occasionally frustrate him, all belong to the same object, his mother. This ability to fuse the multiple images of mother into a single coherent and consistent object is one of the early developmental milestones of early infancy; it is referred to as Object Constancy. In situations where the frustrations by the mother are more than the infant can tolerate, the still unstable Constant Object can be shattered into its constituents as the infant's ego regresses. This occurs when there is an abusive caretaker, for example, and is at the core of much of the pathology of the adult survivor of childhood abuse. This Splitting of the Object is used as a primitive defense. Since the infant needs to feel cared for (and needs to be cared for) and its psychological survival depends on its relationship with the caretaker, the splitting allows the negative aspects of the object to be repressed so that the positive aspects can be held onto. It preserves the object even as the infant partially destroys the object. This is a brief introduction to a complicated area. One element of this description that is important to note is that everyone, no matter how healthy, has passed through a time in development in which their Object Constancy was not yet firmly established and splitting was an ever present risk. As adults, under stress, it is well within the range of normal behavior to engage in periodic and limited Splitting. The danger for us arises when such a process is unrecognized and contaminates our relationships. For our society, the danger occurs when splitting takes place on a large group basis.
For reasons which are not well understood but typically subsumed under nature (constitutional or biological endowments) and nurture ( parenting) some children grow up to be adults who have tenuous Object Constancy. When they fused the disparate images of self and others into coherent, unitary object representations, they retained an ease of dissociation of the unitary objects. Under stress, they can too readily regress to a psychological state of Split self- and object-representations.

In Splitting, the Object is first dissociated into an Idealized Object and a Devalued Object and then, depending on the stessor involved and the person's specific state, either of the two split images is then repressed and at that moment, the Object is experienced as only being the Split Object.

This can be most easily illustrated by a clinical example and that will be presented in the next post about BPD...to be continued.

For more, see ShrinkWrapped, which includes additional links, including to definitions of the bolded, technical terms.

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Borderline Personality Disorder is much talked about in psychological discussions. BPD is complicated to live with and deal with, and it is often misunderstood. In a series of posts, I will discuss the genesis of BPD, its relevance to our personal lives as well as its utility as a model for understanding different cultures, and how the treatment approaches to BPD may offer clues to managing one's relationship to those with the disorder and to oneself.

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Flickr/Adán Sánchez de Pedro

It's normal to fight with your significant other, but narcissists can be incredibly cruel and threatening in heated situations.

This is because they cannot see you as somebody they love, and someone who has angered them at the same time.

Something traumatic could have happened in their early life, meaning they didn't develop "object constancy."

Narcissists cannot change, so the best thing to do is to leave and protect yourself.

We're all guilty of saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Every relationship has its ups and downs, usually resulting in arguments, but these don't necessarily mean you're going to break up.

When we quarrel with our loved ones, most of us have the ability not to do too much damage. This is because of something called object constancy. It basically means having the ability to still have a positive emotional bond with someone when you are also feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed with them. It also means being able to feel emotionally connected to that person when they are not physically around you.

To most of us, this is a given, and we can move past the little things. However, to those with narcissistic personality disorder, or people who are psychopathic or sociopathic with narcissistic traits, the negative feelings they have towards someone in the moment are all they can focus on.

If you date a narcissist, chances are they saw you as a worthy target, then they love bombed you into thinking they were your perfect match. They target strong, successful people to prey on partly because they like a challenge, and partly because it makes them look good. However, then they start breaking down your spirit with their abusive, gaslighting behaviour, then discard you suddenly and brutally.

People who have been in narcissistic, abusive relationships often describe their partner as having a "Jeckyll and Hyde" behaviour - one moment they are acting like everything is perfect and you are the love of their life, but something switches and a monster appears in front of you who is angry, cruel, and threatening.

According to Shannon Thomas, a therapist and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse," abusive people can switch between Jeckyll and Hyde so easily because they never take any responsibility for their actions. This is also why they are able to move on so quickly from seemingly relationship-ending arguments, sometimes pretending that they didn't happen at all.

"It's that lack of empathy and that lack of attachment that they can just go from one place to the next," she told Business Insider. "If nothing ever sticks to them, if there's no actual remorse, and no guilt of any kind, then its always someone else's fault. I describe them like Teflon, the frying pan, nothing sticks to them, nothing ever really is their responsibility, it's always projected out."

The lack of object constancy in the narcissist's mind means they cannot cope with the idea that the person they are dating doesn't exactly fit into how their ideal mate should look, think, and behave. When they realise the person they are with is human, with faults and imperfections, that's it. They move on to their next mark, leaving the other person confused and heartbroken.

It's not known how someone becomes this way

A well-respected and cited American psychologist Margaret Mahler studied object constancy in infants. In her work she noted that once a child starts to crawl, it begins to understand that it is separate from its mother, and starts to develop a sense of self.

The first object children learn is their mother, and how all the different parts of her - her voice, arms, ability to feed - all belong to the same being. They also learn that when she leaves the room, she will come back again.

However, some children grow up with this part of their development being fragmented somehow. The reasons for this are not well understood in psychology yet, but both nature (genetics) and nurture (parenting) could play a role.

For example, Mahler wrote that if a child's caretaker is abusive, this can result in a defense mechanism in their psychology called "splitting," which could help explain why some people grow up with a lack of object constancy - and then become narcissists with the inability to have empathy for others.

In this situation, the child needs to feel cared for, even though their parent isn't supplying them with that, and so they repress the negative aspects of the "object," the mother, so they can hold onto the positive ones. In the child's mind, the idea of the mother is being preserved and destroyed at the same time.

According to psychiatrist Perry Branson in a blog post on Psychology Today, this can result in dissociation from the situation. This can happen in adulthood when the narcissist is under stress, such as being in an argument with their significant other. They dissociate from the positive feelings while they are experiencing negative ones and vice versa, seeing the other person as all good or all bad. It's similar to how a toddler has a temper tantrum.

Therapist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider that the behaviour of narcissists in abusive relationships is so insidious that the victims stop respecting themselves. Narcissists can never change, she said, and the best thing survivors can do is run far away from them as fast as they can.

"You want to make sure you reclaim your life in a different way. When you're with a narcissist, you stop doing things for yourself because they don't like you doing things for yourself," Neo said. "Be really clear in your head that this person is a narcissist and really nothing can be done about it. The only thing you can do about it is to take care of yourself."

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Narcissists aren't capable of something called 'object constancy' - and it helps explain why they are so cruel to the people they date

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It's normal to fight with your significant other, but narcissists can be incredibly cruel and threatening in heated situations. This is because they cannot see you as somebody they love, and someone who has angered them at the same time. Something traumatic could have happened in their early life, meaning they didn't develop "object constancy."

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Sitting with swirling feelings and the compulsion to make contact is very hard to do. It's like breaking an addiction-difficult and sometimes downright painful. So do what you would do if you were trying to kick a habit. Recognize that it's not going to be easy at first, but commit to the process because you will be a better person for it.

The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex no matter what. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means that you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass.

You must decide that you will not call, instant message, or email your ex. You also will not check his or her Facebook or My- Space page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental" meeting with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and not act on it immediately.

Have a support system of people firmly in place so that you can contact them when you feel like communicating with your ex. If you are keeping your emotions bottled up inside, it will be tempting to talk to your ex, so make sure you have a frontline group that you can go to when the temptation gets great. This way you can call people who will support you instead of doing some thing you will regret later. Make a list of friends and family who are available at different times during the day. You can join both online support groups, such as the GPYP blog and e-mail group, and face-to-face support groups. Gather the troops and let them know when you're having a bad day.

It's hard to stay mentally focused if you're physically run-down. Make sure you are taking enough breaks, getting enough rest, eating right, having fun, and doing nice things for yourself, because if you're not, you will be more tempted to act out. If you haven't been taking care of yourself, start now.

Maybe as you have been reading this you have been contacting your ex. If so, start NC now and forgive yourself for the communications you've had. Don't dwell on the mistakes you've made, just resolve to not make them anymore. If you don't start fresh, the guilt and shame you feel over your past behaviors will keep you stuck. One woman told me:

After we broke up, I stayed in touch any way I could. I called him, I texted him, I e-mailed him. I even went back and spent the weekend with him and was miserable by Sunday night. Now, the biggest challenge for me is feeling guilty and ashamed of myself for acting in such an undignified manner-being needy and seemingly pathetic-for so long. I finally put the "no contact" rule in place, and I can tell you that it is the rule to follow. Since I forgave myself for my slipups, being NC has been liberating.

It is important that you don't dwell on your past mistakes. Put them aside and start "no contact" now.
Exercises to Help You Stay "No Contact"
In behavioral therapy, therapists often ask their clients to keep detailed daily records of particular events or psychological reactions. If you are trying to stop a behavior-compulsive overeating, for example-it helps to keep a food journal detailing not only what you eat but what you are feeling and what is going on in your physical world when you find yourself in trigger situations. By looking at the patterns that emerge in the journal, a client can break the chain before heading to the kitchen to relieve uncomfortable feelings. This journal approach sheds insight on many destructive patterns and habits, and has proven to be a successful tool in combating undesirable behaviors.

Use your journal to log how many times you are communicating with your ex. Write about your reactions when your ex contacts you and your reactions when you make the contact. Write about what is going on for you right before the urge to call comes up. Ask questions before, during, and after. Spend some time with these questions, thinking about them and writing out the answers. You'll have your own questions, but here are some that might help you figure out what is going on:

How was this desire to call triggered?

What are you feeling? Are you anxious, bored, sad, empty, or lonely?

Is there a specific thing (thought, memory, question) driving your desire to connect?

What outcome do you expect?

Where are your expectations coming from? Are they fantasies of what you want to have happen? Or are they based upon what has happened in the past? Are you operating from fantasy or reality?

Are you trying to change the past?

Are you trying to get a certain reaction?

Are you trying to relieve the pain and the pressure?

Do you think negative attention is better than no attention at all?

Do you feel forgotten? Unimportant? Is contact your way to let the person know you still exist?

Are you thinking you can control your ex's moving-on process?

Are you hoping your ex can't really move on as long as you are buzzing around in the background?

What is your motive?

Why are you so focused on this one person?

Wanting to call is like a compulsion, obsession, or addiction, and stopping works the same way. If you are an alcoholic or nicotine addict, you're not going talk yourself into thinking that one day you'll just wake up and not want a drink or a cigarette. Of course not. You will stop the behavior (drinking or smoking) and then all the discomfort will rise up in you. You'll be faced with either dealing with it or going back to practicing your addiction. The longer you practice it, the harder it's going to be to stop.

After journaling you will realize that you need to put some things in place to stop the contact. The next step is to be proactive by planning specific actions that you'll take to resist the urge to make contact. Then make a list of steps to take before you initiate contact or return a call or e-mail.

Here's an example.

STEP ONE: Write in my journal.

STEP TWO: Call a friend or write to an online support group.

STEP THREE: Take a shower.

STEP FOUR: Work with my crafts or hobby.

STEP FIVE: Go for a walk.

STEP SIX: Go to the gym.

As you are doing your predetermined steps, say your affirmations and give yourself positive feedback. Put a plan in place so that you have prescribed steps to take before you call. This allows you to take control and not be blown about by your impulses. It will serve as a guide that tells you what to do when you are in the throes of emotion and having trouble curbing your compulsions.

You may need to experiment with different actions and behaviors and then evaluate which ones work best for you. Take time to think about it. Maybe you need to go somewhere where there are no telephones or computers. Leave your cell phone at home and drive to a park or mall or somewhere where you cannot communicate. Maybe you need to take a nap or watch television. You can invite a friend to the movies, take up a sport, or work out. Perhaps your style is to meditate and visualize your life free of this person and these urges to connect.

It is very important to think about and learn alternative behaviors when you are desperate for contact. Make lists of things you can do, consult your step plan, and have a few alternative step plans. There are many, many things you can do instead of calling.

If all of this is not working, ask yourself: Are you not done yet? Do you need to beat your head against the wall some more? The longer you roll around in the mud with your ex, the longer it will take you to get where you are going-to a new and happy life that you deserve.

The key to getting stronger and moving on is to separate yourself from the relationship and the person with whom you spent so much time. As long as this person is distracting you from your work, it will be difficult to put a period at the end of the sentence that is this relationship and turn to a new chapter in your life. Continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life.

Does it hurt when you do that?

Don't do that.

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Steps to Successful "No Contact" After Breakup

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Sitting with swirling feelings and the compulsion to make contact is very hard to do. It's like breaking an addiction-difficult and sometimes downright painful. So do what you would do if you were trying to kick a habit. Recognize that it's not going to be easy at first, but commit to the process because you will be a better person for it.

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6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

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Is your partner a narcissist? You may be surprised to learn that their behaviors aren't the only indicator. More telling is how their actions and behaviors have affected YOU. Learn if you have the signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome in this video. To learn more about narcissistic behaviors, visit LetMeReach.com: http://bit.ly/2e8Dgys Need help detaching from love that hurts?

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Ask the Therapists Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA talk about feeling suicidal and what you can do to help.

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How To Set Boundaries With Narcissists and Difficult People

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How To Set Boundaries With Narcissists and Difficult People

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how to set boundaries with difficult people

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Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

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How To Set Boundaries With Narcissists and Difficult People

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How To Set Boundaries With Narcissists and Difficult People Do you struggle with setting boundaries with difficult people? Would you like to learn 'how to' set boundaries with difficult people? In this video I will teach you a bit more about codependency, attachment trauma, and how the way we were raised causes us to attract narcissists and difficult people.

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Webinar: How to Survive Working with a Narcissist and Gain the Upper Hand

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Webinar: How to Survive Working with a Narcissist and Gain the Upper Hand

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Webinar: How to Survive Working with a Narcissist and Gain the Upper Hand

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The superiority, domination, and aggression a narcissist exhibits in the workplace are intimidation tactics designed to establish power and control. The effectiveness of approach depends on coworkers who succumb to the bullying to keep the peace. Those who attempt to avoid or resist the narcissist eventually become their target.

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What Are the Different Types of Psychotherapy?

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Ask the Therapists Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA talk about what psychotherapy is, as well as the different types of psychotherapy or counseling. (We apologize for the typo in the intro title... bad video editor!)

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Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

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Codependents Live In A State of Reactivity Due To Narcissistic Abuse

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Codependents Live In A State of Reactivity If you overreact and you are codependent, it is not your fault. Learn what you need to know to heal over reactivity. As codependents, we rarely ask ourselves how we feel, because no one ever asked us how we felt when we were children.

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Finally, an Explanation for Codependency and Narcissism!

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Finally, an Explanation for Codependency and Narcissism!

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Finally, an Explanation for Codependency and Narcissism!

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In one of Psych Central's most popular webinars, host and Psych Central blogger (ADHD from A to Zoë) Zoë Kessler presents Ross Rosenberg, best-selling author, codependency psychotherapist, and professional trainer. Drawing from his best-selling book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, Rosenberg gives us an updated explanation of the development of codependency and narcissism.

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The Bipolar Crash - Filmed as it happens

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The Bipolar Crash - Filmed as it happens

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The Bipolar Crash -  Filmed as it happens

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This is the process of going from stability into deep depression - known by people in the Bipolar world as "To Crash" You can find me here: https://www.facebook.com/hhleroux For support join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BSB.Group/

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Are you concerned that you or someone you know may have bipolar disorder? In this short video, Gabe Howard explains what bipolar disorder is and what symptoms to be on the lookout for. For more information, please visit our very active bipolar community at psychcentral.com/disorders/bipolar. Disclaimer: Mr. Howard is not a medical professional.

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OF TWO MINDS - Documentary on Bipolar Disorder

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OF TWO MINDS - Documentary on Bipolar Disorder

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OF TWO MINDS - Documentary on Bipolar Disorder

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Buy the DVD: www.amazon.com/Two-Minds-Jenifer-Lewis/dp/B00B9LNPA6/?tag=websites0df-20 --- http://OfTwoMindsMovie.com --- OF TWO MINDS - Real People Living with Bipolar Disorder An intimate look at living with bipolar disorder - OF TWO MINDS explores the extraordinary lives, struggles and successes of three unique and compelling people living with bipolar disorder in America today.

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What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder, also known in some parts of the world by its older name, "manic depression," is a mental disorder that is characterized by serious and significant mood swings. A person with this condition experiences alternating "highs" (what clinicians call " mania") and "lows" (also known as depression).

Both the manic and depressive periods can be brief, from just a few hours to a few days. Or the cycles can be much longer, lasting up to several weeks or even months. The periods of mania and depression vary from person to person - many people may only experience very brief periods of these intense moods, and may not even be aware that they have the disorder.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, there four major categories of bipolar disorder: bipolar I disorder, bipolar II disorder, cyclothymic disorder, and bipolar disorder due to another medical or substance abuse disorder (APA, 2013). Anyone can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but bipolar disorder in children is called disruptive mood dysregulation disorder and carries a different set of symptoms.

All types of bipolar disorder generally respond well to treatment, which usually includes medication management for many years and for some, psychotherapy. Like many mental disorders, professionals generally don't talk about a person being "cured" of this condition, so much as learning to manage it well. Medication and psychotherapy help a person do that.
Learn more: Frequently Asked Questions & Fact Sheet
Take the bipolar quiz now.

Symptoms of Bipolar

For bipolar disorder to be diagnosed, a person needs to have experienced at least one manic (or in bipolar II, hypomanic) episode, and one depressive episode during their lifetime.

A manic episode (bipolar I disorder) is characterized by extreme happiness, extreme irritability, hyperactivity, little need for sleep and/or racing thoughts, which may lead to rapid speech. People in a manic episode feel like they can do anything, make plans to try and do all those things, and believe that nothing can stop them. For bipolar I to be diagnosed, this episode must have last at least a week and represents a noticeable change from a person's usual behavior.

A hypomanic episode (bipolar II disorder) is characterized by the same symptoms as a manic episode, except the symptoms need to only have been present for at least four (4) days.

A depressive episode is characterized by extreme sadness, a lack of energy or interest in things, an inability to enjoy normally pleasurable activities and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. On average, someone with this condition may have up to three years of normal mood between episodes of mania or depression.

When left untreated, the severity of episodes can vary. People with this condition can often predict when a new cycle is starting, as the severity of their symptoms increase.
Learn more: Review the complete symptoms of bipolar disorder.
Causes & Diagnosis

As with most mental disorders, researchers are still not certain what causes this condition. There is no single risk factor, gene, or other predisposition that puts a person at increased risk for bipolar disorder. It is likely a combination of factors increase a person's risk. According to research, these factors may include a different brain structure and way of functioning, a set of genetic factors, and family history (as this disorder tends to run in families).
Learn more: What are the Causes of Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder, like most mental disorders, is best diagnosed by a trained mental health professional - such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or clinical social worker. While a family physician or general practitioner may offer a preliminary diagnosis, only a mental health specialist offers the experience and skills necessary to diagnose this condition reliably.
Learn more: How is Bipolar Diagnosed?
Bipolar Disorder Treatment

According to researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the exact cause of bipolar disorder is not yet known - but it can still be effectively treated. Research is ongoing about finding the most effective treatments.

Like most mental disorders, today this condition is treated with psychotherapy combined with psychiatric medications (most people benefit more quickly from combined treatment of the two). Treatment for this disorder is generally effective and helps most people keep a balanced mood throughout their day, most days of the month. It may take anywhere from one to two months before a person starts feeling the full, beneficial impact of their treatment.

Self-help strategies for this condition vary in their effectiveness, depending upon the person and the severity of the disorder. Some people find it beneficial to join a support group, read books explaining effective self-help strategies, or keeping a journal (either paper or through a mood or journaling app).

One of the biggest challenges of treatment of bipolar disorder is finding and maintaining a treatment routine that works best for a person over the long-term. Most people with this condition benefit from medications for much of their life, but it can be a challenge to stick with the medications when all seems well years down the road. Commonly prescribed medications for this disorder include a mood stabilizer (like lithium), while some treatments may also involve the use of additional medications (like an atypical antipsychotic or, in some cases, an antidepressant).
Learn more: Treatment of bipolar disorder
Living With & Managing Bipolar

There are many challenges to living with this condition on a daily basis. What are some of the long-term, successful strategies to staying well, sticking with treatment, and maintaining a balanced mood?

One important component of living with this condition is learning to build routines and sticking with them, no matter what. What can often drive a person into a manic or depressive episode is going off of their routine, or deciding one day that the mood stabilizer that helps them regulation their moods is no longer needed.

These articles were written to help a person learn to live more successfully with this condition:

Getting Help

There are many ways to get started in your journey of recovery from bipolar. Many people start by seeing their physician or family doctor to see if they really might suffer from this disorder. While that's a good start, you're encouraged to also consult a mental health specialist right away too. Specialists - like psychologists and psychiatrists - can more reliably diagnose a mental disorder than a family doctor can.

Some people may feel more comfortable reading more about the condition first. While we have a great library of resources here, we also have a set of recommended bipolar books and a peer-led, online support group just for this condition.
Take action: Find a local treatment provider More Resources & Stories: Bipolar Disorder on OC87 Recovery Diaries and Bipolar Disorder on The Mighty
Watch a short video about bipolar disorder
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, Fifth edition. Arlington, VA.

Caponigro, J.M. & Lee, E.H. (2012). Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed. New Harbinger.

Fink, C. & Kraynak, J. (2015). Bipolar Disorder For Dummies. For Dummies, New York.

Miklowitz, D.J. & Gitlin, M.J. (2015). Clinician's Guide to Bipolar Disorder. Guilford Press.

National Institute of Mental Health. (2018). Bipolar disorder. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml on February 27, 2018.

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Bipolar Disorder - What is it? Can it be treated?

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Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterized by episodes of extreme highs (mania) and lows (depression) in mood and energy. Bipolar disorder symptoms include mania, hypomania, and depression. It is typically treated with a combination of medication & psychotherapy.

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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

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Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

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Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

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stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder

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borderline personality disorder - patients - family relationships

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Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

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Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the next confrontation? If the answer is 'yes,' someone you care about may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Stop Walking on ...

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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Receiving a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) may seem devastating. There's a lot of confusion about what BPD really means and how it's actually treated.

Along with misunderstanding, there's also stigma - and not just from other laypeople, but also from professionals. This can make a person feel even more alone. However, BPD actually affects about two percent of the population. That's more people than have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. And there's good news: Borderline personality disorder is treatable and recovery is possible. Here's a closer look at everything from what BPD really looks like to how it's treated to what loved ones can do.

Misconceptions

Individuals with BPD are manipulative. BPD is the result of a combination of causes, including biological factors and a history of being invalidated, which may result in an inability to regulate emotions, according to Michael Baugh, LCSW, an expert in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and mindfulness at Third Wave Behavioral Center, his private practice in Seattle. Picture a bell curve of emotionality, Baugh suggested. "Individuals at the more emotional end of the spectrum (like people with BPD and many good therapists) are more easily and strongly triggered by events in their environment, and it takes longer for them to return to baseline - but they can learn the skills to manage these more intense emotions," he said.Baugh gave the following example: An emotional child grows up in a stoic family, where he's constantly told to calm down. He tries to follow the family's rules by suppressing the awareness of his emotions. As the intensity of his emotions ramps up, however, it eventually bursts out of the zone where it can be ignored. When this happens, the emotions appear to go from zero to 60 on the emotions speedway, and their intensity can't be controlled. "At that point everybody in the family has to deal with it, and because people need to have emotions responded to, this only reinforces the person getting to emotional extremes," Baugh said. Consequently, this becomes the only way the person knows how to manage emotional situations.In other words, a person with borderline personality disorder rarely makes a conscious decision to manipulate anyone. When a person isn't having their needs met, they resort to extreme behaviors, according to Neil Bockian, Ph.D, founder and president of Behavioral Health Associates and co-author of New Hope For People with Borderline Personality Disorder. These behaviors then get reinforced when family members or people who don't normally pay attention to them rush in, he said. When loved ones get burned out, the person with BPD starts escalating the behaviors.

It's untreatable. "The research shows convincingly that some treatments for BPD are remarkably effective," said Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in BPD and writes a blog on About.com on the disorder.

BPD is a life sentence. According to Alexander Chapman, Ph.D, president of the DBT Centre of Vancouver and co-author of The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: "In a recent study of patients with BPD who were hospitalized and then released, up to 70 percent no longer met criteria for the disorder at some point in a six-year follow-up period. Of those people who stopped meeting criteria for the disorder, 94 percent of them never met criteria again across the six years."

People with BPD aren't trying hard enough. According to Joan Wheelis, M.D., director of the Two Brattle Center in Cambridge, Mass., "it isn't that clients aren't motivated, but that there is significant emotional, cognitive and behavioral dysregulation associated with the disorder." People don't realize just how considerable their deficits are. Many are very intelligent, talented and productive so it's hard to believe, she said. "The person is doing the best they can given their current mental state," Bockian said.

Treatment

According to Salters-Pedneault, "BPD is best treated with a multi-method team approach," which might include an individual and group therapist and a psychopharmacologist to manage medication. It's this team who then "can determine the treatment of choice for an individual patient," said S. Charles Schulz, M.D., head of the department of psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical School.

However, too many treatments can result in a "non-treatment treatment," where the client isn't fully engaged effectively in therapy, Dr. Wheelis said. She noted the importance of having "a primary clinician who's responsible for the architecture of the whole treatment."

Psychotherapy is the central treatment for borderline personality disorder. "To date, the gold-standard treatment for BPD is DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)," Salters-Pedneault said. While there's no way to say that DBT is superior - to date, no studies have compared all treatments in a "horse race" - judging by the quantity and quality of the studies that support DBT, it's currently the best form of treatment, she said. Other promising psychosocial treatments include schema-focused, mentalization-based and transference-focused therapy.

Medications are sometimes prescribed to reduce symptoms of BPD or to treat a co-occurring disorder (such as bipolar disorder) and may help in conjunction with psychosocial treatments. According to Dr. Schulz, while studies haven't been conclusive, some research has found that individuals who participated in DBT and took olanzapine (Zyprexa) experienced a reduction in symptoms when compared with individuals who attended treatment but took a placebo.

Dr. Wheelis, who advocates the use of medication, worries that "medication may be prescribed too frequently, leading to polypharmacy." Additionally, "medication for symptoms of BPD can sometimes interfere in teaching the client that they can tolerate and cope with their emotions head-on," she said.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D, DBT is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy and helps individuals with BPD manage their emotions, develop healthy relationships and lead a meaningful life. "DBT helps people to come to regulate their emotions and be able to truly enjoy life," according to Baugh.

DBT consists of individual therapy, group skills training and phone coaching. Each week, individuals spend one hour with a therapist and two hours in a group session and complete assignments between sessions. Because symptoms affect every part of a person's life, "one hour of therapy a week is just not going to cut it," Salters-Pedneault said.

DBT requires at least a six-month to a year-long commitment, because it's highly structured, and it takes six months to go through all the modules in a skills group once, Baugh said. It's often more effective for clients to practice these stages a second time to cement skills and start chipping away at any trauma.

The first stage addresses suicide and self-harming behavior. Stage two involves treating emotional trauma from the past. Stages three and four help clients work on "problems of living and develop their capacity for joy and a sense of being comfortably at home in the universe," Baugh said.

For more information on DBT and its stages, see here and here.

Challenges & Strengthening Recovery

To get the most benefit out of therapy, and common to DBT practice, Dr. Wheelis asks her clients to tape-record their sessions. "By listening to the session during the week a client can learn more about their struggles." This can be especially useful for emotionally challenging sessions. Her clients are required to spend a minimum of 20 hours each week participating in meaningful activities outside of therapy (e.g., church, charity, work). The goal is to help individuals develop a life worth living.

Keep in mind that therapy is a process, so "it's important to be patient, work hard and give therapy a chance to work," Chapman said. Approach each new skill or lesson with an open mind. For instance, people may doubt the usefulness of mindfulness skills, but with practice and time, many say it's "the most helpful skill they've learned."

"Sometimes therapy can be like being on a long hike and staying the course despite thunderstorms, blizzards and so on," Chapman said. If you find yourself losing motivation or wanting to skip sessions or homework, Chapman recommended asking your therapist for help. He helps his clients "come up with at least three critically, life-and-death-important reasons for sticking with therapy, and remind themselves of these reasons when things get rough."

Ultimately, "Try your best to be kind, compassionate, nonjudgmental and understanding toward yourself... accept yourself for who you are right in this moment, and at the same time, find ways to help improve your life. Remember that you are not to blame for your problems, but you can do something about them," he said.

Finding Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder

"Treatment for BPD is available and it is effective, but it may take time and effort to find the right provider," Salters-Pedneault said. Look for a provider who specializes in BPD. Behavioral Tech has a list of DBT specialists, and the non-profit organization TARA has more information. If there isn't a specialist in your area, Chapman suggested checking your local college for psychologists or a psychological association, which may have referral directories.

You also can contact mental health professionals at a local hospital or medical center for a referral to programs or clinicians who specialize in BPD. Some areas have mental health directories. For instance, Vancouver has the "Red Book," which lists mental health services in your community.

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder - Psych Central

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Receiving a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) may seem devastating. There's a lot of confusion about what BPD really means and how it's actually treated. Along with misunderstanding, there's also stigma - and not just from other laypeople, but also from professionals. This can make a person feel even more alone.

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Borderline personality disorder (BPD)is characterized by a recurring, long-standing pattern of having unstable relationships with others - whether they be romantic relationships, friendships, or relationships with family members. The condition is marked by an effort to avoid abandonment (regardless of whether it's real), and impulsivity in decision-making. People with borderline personality disorder often swing from one emotion to another easily and quickly, and their self-image changes just as often.

If there's an overarching defining characteristic of someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder, it's that they often seem like they are ping-ponging back and forth between everything in their life. Relationships, emotions, and self-image change as often as the weather, in reaction to something happening around them, such as stress, bad news, or a perceived slight. They rarely feel satisfaction or happiness in life, are often bored, and filled with feelings of emptiness.

The term "borderline" means in-between one thing and another. Originally, this term was used when the clinician was unsure of the correct diagnosis because the client manifested a mixture of neurotic and psychotic symptoms. Many clinicians thought of these clients as being on the border between neurotic and psychotic, and thus the term "borderline" came into use.

The term "borderline" has sometimes been used in a number of ways in society that are quite different from the formal diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD). In some circles, "borderline" is still used as a "catch-all" diagnosis for individuals who are hard to diagnose or is interpreted as meaning "nearly psychotic," despite a lack of empirical support for this conceptualization of the disorder.

Additionally, with the recent popularity of "borderline" as a diagnostic category and the reputation of these clients as being difficult to treat, "borderline" is often used as a generic label for difficult clients - or as a reason (or excuse) for a patient's psychotherapy going badly. It is one of the most stigmatized mental disorders, even among mental health professionals.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

There are nine specific symptoms associated with borderline personality disorder. The symptoms of this condition include: efforts to avoid abandonment (whether it is real abandonment, or imagined); a pattern of unstable relationships with others; disturbance in identity; impulsivity that tends to be damaging to themselves; suicidal behavior, gestures or threads; emotional instability due to wild mood swings; feelings of emptiness that are never-ending; inappropriately intense anger, or difficulty controlling their anger; and paranoid thoughts or dissociative symptoms from time to time.

You can learn more details about these symptoms of borderline personality disorder now.

Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder

Researchers today don't know what causes borderline personality disorder. There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of BPD. Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation - that is, the causes of are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual's personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible - rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important. If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be "passed down" to their children.

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

Treatment of borderline personality disorder typically involves long-term psychotherapy with a therapist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder. Medications may also be prescribed to help with specific troubling and debilitating symptoms. For more information about treatment, please see our article on borderline personality disorder treatment.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, Fifth edition. New York.

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Borderline Personality Disorder - Psych Central

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Borderline personality disorder (BPD)is characterized by a recurring, long-standing pattern of having unstable relationships with others - whether they be romantic relationships, friendships, or relationships with family members. The condition is marked by an effort to avoid abandonment (regardless of whether it's real), and impulsivity in decision-making.

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In layperson terms, someone with this disorder may be described simply as a "narcissist" or as someone with "narcissism." Both of these terms generally refer to someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual's culture. The pattern is seen in two or more of the following areas: cognition; affect; interpersonal functioning; or impulse control. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. It typically leads to significant distress or impairment in social, work or other areas of functioning. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back to early adulthood or adolescence.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Because personality disorders describe long-standing and enduring patterns of behavior, they are most often diagnosed in adulthood. It is fairly uncommon for them to be diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, because a child or teen is under constant development, personality changes, and maturation. However, if it is diagnosed in a child or teen, the features must have been present for at least 1 year.

Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females and is thought to occur in around 6 percent of the general population, according to research.

Like most personality disorders, NPD typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in their 40s or 50s.
Learn more: Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder
How is Narcissistic Personality Disorder Diagnosed?

Personality disorders such as NPD are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment. There are no laboratory, blood, or genetic tests that are used to diagnose personality disorder.

Many people with this disorder don't seek out treatment. People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person's life. This most often happens when a person's coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events.

A diagnosis for narcissistic personality disorder is made by a mental health professional comparing your symptoms and life history with those listed here. They will make a determination whether your symptoms meet the criteria necessary for a personality disorder diagnosis.

Causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Researchers today don't know what causes NPD. There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of narcissistic personality disorder.

Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation - that is, the causes are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual's personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible - rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important.

If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be "passed down" to their children. While some of this has to do with genetics, some of is also likely due to the child's personality, as well as the parenting behavior of one or both of the parents.

Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Treatment of narcissistic personality disorder typically involves long-term psychotherapy with a therapist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder. Medications may also be prescribed to help with specific troubling and debilitating symptoms.
Learn more: Narcissistic personality disorder treatment

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

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In layperson terms, someone with this disorder may be described simply as a "narcissist" or as someone with "narcissism." Both of these terms generally refer to someone with narcissistic personality disorder. A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual's culture.

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Narcissistic Personality QuizBased upon the Narcissistic Personality InventoryBy Psych Central Staff

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Narcissistic Personality QuizBased upon the Narcissistic Personality InventoryBy Psych Central Staff

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The holidays are often a time of joy and community, but for people in abusive relationships, the holidays can be stressful and dangerous. Spending time with family and friends, dealing with financial stress and traveling can make safety planning a challenge. Family and friends of survivors may also struggle to find ways to help or be supportive. We wanted to offer a few suggestions for survivors and friends or family of survivors for making the holidays feel safer.

Communication

Many survivors feel isolated in their unhealthy or abusive relationships. Reaching out to family and friends can be an important step in healing. It can help to discuss safe times and ways to communicate. You might consider if there are times during the day when the survivor is typically away from their abusive partner. Or, it might be safer for them to email or text rather than call. (It's best to make sure the abusive partner does not have access to the survivor's email account or phone before using these methods to communicate). Make a plan to keep checking in during the holidays. You can also create a code word, which allows the survivor to let someone know they need help without tipping off their partner. Be sure to agree on what action the code word calls for: does it mean you will call them, come over, contact the police, etc.?

It may feel instinctual for family or friends to say an abusive partner is not welcome at a holiday function. You have the right to say who is or isn't welcome in your home, but emotional support and safety planning can help both you and the survivor to move forward. Keep in mind you can talk or chat with a Hotline advocate to figure out what will work best for you. If you're worried about someone who is experiencing abuse and you're not sure what to say, learn more about how to help a friend or family member here.

Traveling Safely

Traveling is a common part of holiday plans. It makes sense that survivors would not feel safe spending time in a small space, like a car or plane, with someone who hurts them. We have tips for safety planning around travel for emotional/physical safety and if you're traveling with children.

Planning for Visits

A survivor knows best what will help them feel safe, so consider discussing ways to make parties or family visits safer. An example is asking if alcohol tends to worsen an abusive partner's behavior. Could the family or friend group make a commitment to not have alcohol around, or to limit the amount served? If you're a survivor who does not feel safe sleeping in the same room as your partner, consider talking with your hosts or family about finding a separate couch or sharing a room with other guests or family members.

Planning for Time Alone

Abuse is about power and control, and many unhealthy or abusive partners may try exert control by keeping their partners from spending time alone or with others. So, it can be helpful to brainstorm ways to get some space. If you're a family member or friend, you might ask the survivor to go on a shopping trip or errand with you, go for a walk or workout, invite them to a religious celebration or have them help you with a chore/holiday prep activity. If you're a survivor, consider brainstorming reasons to get out, like helping someone with holiday plans or gift shopping; you can get creative with these ideas.

Safety Planning with Children

Protective parents work really hard to make the holidays a special time for their children. But what can help when your partner or co-parent is abusive? If you have children with you this holiday, our post on safety planning with children is a good place to start. The post covers unsupervised visitation, safe child exchange and ideas for children living with an abusive parent.

Practice Self-Care

The holiday season is stressful for many people, but getting through the holidays while experiencing abuse can feel really overwhelming. Taking time for your health and wellness can make a big difference in how you feel. To learn more about how to build in self-care while staying safe, check out this page.

Seeing someone you care about being hurt is also stressful. Remind yourself that you can't make decisions for someone else, but you can ask a survivor what they need and offer help. We do our best helping when we are taking care of ourselves, so try to make your own plans to get rest, get good nutrition, talk to supportive friends and do things you enjoy. GoodTherapy.org also has a great page on self-care tips and ideas.

At The Hotline, we believe everyone deserves a safe, healthy holiday. If you'd like more help with safety planning or self-care this holiday season, call us anytime at 1-800-799-7233 or chat via our website from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. Central time.

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Safety Planning for the Holidays - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

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The holidays are often a time of joy and community, but for people in abusive relationships, the holidays can be stressful and dangerous. Spending time with family and friends, dealing with financial stress and traveling can make safety planning a challenge. Family and friends of survivors may also struggle to find ways to help or be supportive.

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You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk About Life After The Loss of a Parent

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You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk About Life After The Loss of a Parent

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you are not alone: teens talk about life after the loss of a parent

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children's books/young adult social situations

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juvenile nonfiction / social topics / death & dying

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young adult nonfiction / social topics / death & dying

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You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk About Life After The Loss of a Parent

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Words of reassurance and strategies for coping with the loss of a parent, by the director of the nation's largest bereavement camp for children.Loss is one of the most isolating experiences there is, and kids who have lost a parent feel especially different than those around them. Comfort Zone Ca...

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Who among us can say that they haven't sat in front of a computer screen for hours, playing armchair psychologist while trying to diagnose a friend, lover, family member-or themselves-with some kind of mental illness?

As humans, we love to categorize and to pathologize, but while every individual may contain traces of a number of diagnosable personality disorders, this doesn't mean they actually have the disorder.

Personality disorders exist on a spectrum, and psychiatric professionals define these conditions with characteristics that everyone possesses to different degrees. As such, diagnosis is a difficult process best left to the professionals.

That said, it's smart to know how to identify the signs that you're being jerked around by someone with a disorder that blunts their capacity to experience empathy or treat you like a human being-for example, a narcissist.

As is the case with other personality disorders, narcissism exists on a spectrum. "At one end of this 'self-loving' spectrum is the charismatic leader, who is capable, has friends and family, but whose main vice is his or her inflated sense of self," says psychologist and certified family law specialist David Glass, CFLS, PhD. "At the far other end of the spectrum reside individuals who have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)."

The only way to win is not to play.

"The NPD person is extremely manipulative to the people around him/her, and don't truly think of these people as 'humans' but rather as 'objects' that they can move around to meet their needs," Glass tells Urbo.

How do you avoid this type of manipulation? For starters, if you feel like someone is treating you badly, pay attention to that feeling, and to the ways someone may be orchestrating your breakdown.

That's easier if you know the tactics that manipulative people use on their friends, family, and colleagues. For example:

Gaslighting

The term "gaslighting" typically refers to psychological manipulation intended to make someone question their perception of reality.

Many cite the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, about a husband who chips away at his wife's mental security by repeatedly suggesting that she is imagining things, as the origin of the term.

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In 2017, the Los Angeles Review of Books ran a piece pointing out that the term's origin story often relies on a misunderstanding of the way gaslights operate in the film, and the play on which the film is based-but murky semantics aside, anyone who has been the victim of a narcissist's mind-bending can attest to the reality of this phenomenon, and its effectiveness in calling into question the sense of self.

Gaslighters might claim that something didn't happen, or that the accuser imagined some elements of her story. It's an extremely damaging tactic, since it can compel a person to question her sense of reality.

To respond to gaslighting, try not to engage. Remain as calm as possible and cultivate an awareness; by understanding what the narcissist is trying to do, you can respond more effectively.

Perhaps most importantly, know that you don't have to convince the narcissist or win the argument. Maintain your perspective and give yourself credit; you're not making this up, and your feelings are certainly valid.

Shaming

This classic manipulation technique is also one of the most damaging. While the method may seem obvious, it can be quite subtle if carried out by a narcissist whom you trust and adore.

The implication is that the narcissist is more mature and has developed beyond the level of the other person.

As Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC, points out at Psych Central, there are a number of ways that narcissists use shame to diminish their victims, including speaking style. For example, Hammond lists "baby talk" as one way a narcissist might break you down.

"In any narcissistic relationship, the narcissist wants to be seen as the adult and the other person as the child," she writes. "This belittlement is done in several condescending ways such as literally talking down, calling the other person immature, and saying the other person needs to grow up. The implication is that the narcissist is more mature and has developed beyond the level of the other person."

Similarly, the narcissist may "talk over" the other person, using authority to diminish her. Physical posturing can be a part of this process.

Don't respond in kind; widening your vocabulary, calling the other person immature, or listing your academic credentials won't strengthen your position with a narcissist.

Diversion

It can be frustrating when someone changes the subject in the middle of a conversation, but when a partner does this to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, diversion can be downright dangerous. Narcissists use this tactic to derail conversations that may lead to an unpleasant result.

"If the non-narcissistic person ever starts to get close to the core of any argument, or to the core of the narcissist's deep, true lack of self-regard, the narcissist will go into overdrive to "divert" them away from the topic at hand," says Glass.

An example of this would be someone turning the conversation to "crazy/off-track topics, or "escalating" the discussion to something more personal.

Instead, insist on keeping the topic of the conversation out in front. Resist the urge to respond to personal attacks; remain calm and focused, and you'll be able to maintain control.

Triangulation

To make themselves seem more credible-and to dismiss their partner's feelings-narcissists may bring another person into the mix in an attempt to "stack the deck" in their favor.

They might say, 'Well it's not only me who thinks this way.'

This is an especially insidious technique when the narcissist uses someone you personally trust or admire to diminish you.

iStock

'They might say, 'Well it's not only me who thinks this way. Did you know that Mary said the same thing? In fact, she told me that she had reason not to trust you because...' and so on," Glass tells Urbo.

The narcissist may also use a third person who could be a threat to you-an ex-lover, for instance-in an effort to force you into submission. You may feel forced to compete with the third person.

Projection

Projection is the act of taking your own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors and pushing them onto others.

For example, a boyfriend who is highly suspicious of his girlfriend and who repeatedly accuses her of cheating, despite her having given no evidence to support his suspicions, may be projecting his own wandering eye or sexual indiscretions onto his S.O.

There are several different kinds of projection -neurotic, complementary, and complimentary. And while most people project on occasion, narcissists frequently employ projection as a means of psychological abuse.

This is another way in which the narcissist avoids addressing their own imperfections; rather than taking responsibility for their behaviors, they force their victims to assume that responsibility.

Name-Calling

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you-except when they do. Because they really do! Narcissists have caught onto this fact and will use it to their advantage.

Of course, there's something undeniably childish about resorting to name-calling, and that's typically not the approach you would expect from someone who has spent their life refining manipulation tactics.

Turns out, though, that this form of belittling is not too low for even the most sophisticated of toxic humans. And, in fact, there is something sophisticated about this tactic; it can be a powerful reminder of past bullying, pulling you back into a fearful, vulnerable mind space that you may have only associated with childhood.

A bad nickname affects your self esteem, and studies show that name-calling affects compliance. The narcissist may or may not be aware that he's using this form of manipulation, but the malicious intent is usually clear to everyone (except, perhaps, the victim).

How to Get Out

If any of these situations are familiar, you might be dealing with a manipulative person. When that person is your partner, you may need to get out of the relationship.

That is, of course, easier said than done. Emotional manipulation can be extraordinarily difficult to overcome, and it's much more common than most people know; one 1999 survey showed that 35 percent of women reported emotional abuse from a partner or spouse.

However, severe situations require immediate action. Realize that you cannot change or reason with an extreme narcissist, and that any attempts can lead to them working themselves back into your life.

If you decide to end a relationship with an extreme narcissist, Glass recommends making a clean break if possible.

"It's the exact opposite of how they sell the lottery," he says. "The only way to win is not to play."

Use your support system and don't allow the conversation to continue. Block the narcissist's number and email address and cut off any communication outlets. While this might seem harsh, it's the only way to truly keep them out of your life.

"You should rely on one or two close friends or family members. Tell them all that the narcissist has been doing to you," says Glass. "Warn them that the narcissist will likely contact them to try to convince them that you are the person causing the problems."

We should note that the suggestions in this article don't apply to every situation, and severely abusive relationships often need to be handled differently to ensure your safety.

If you or someone you know is encountering abuse, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website or call 1-800-799-7233.

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6 Tactics Narcissists Will Use To Silence You

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Who among us can say that they haven't sat in front of a computer screen for hours, playing armchair psychologist while trying to diagnose a friend, lover, family member-or themselves-with some kind of mental illness?

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John Bradshaw - Healing The Shame That Binds You (Part 1)

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This lecture is based on John Bradshaw's book with the same title..but in this lecture he only covers the first part of the book (the problem)..the second part of the book deals with (the solution) and the healing process.. You can find the book on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329180818&sr=8-1

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Will you be facing some challenging people or situations as you celebrate Christmas or New Years?

Holiday celebrations can be joyful, but they can also be stressful when we encounter "difficult" people and more demands on our time, energy, and finances. Often there are unspoken expectations or traditions that we feel obligated to participate in, leaving us feeling resentful if we comply or guilty if we don't.

Make a plan to cope with challenging people and situations

Arming yourself with coping strategies is a great place to begin. You can find some tips for coping with holiday stress here, here, and here. To get the most out of stress management strategies such as these, I recommend taking it a step further and making an action plan so you're prepared for the specific holiday stressors that you're likely to encounter. Creating a plan to cope with challenging people and situations during the holidays can help you reclaim your power and feel in control.

Anticipate challenges

We can't, of course, predict the future, but often we can reasonably anticipate challenging situations based on what's happened in the past. Anticipating challenges doesn't mean we have to dwell on them or let them ruin our holidays. Being realistic allows us to problem-solve ahead of time.
Planning questions: What challenging people or situations are you anticipating during the holidays? What specifically makes these people or situations challenging?
Focus on how you want to behave

We also can't control how others behave, so trying to get them to behave as we want them to is generally a futile (and frustrating) exercise. Our power is in being able to control our own behavior.

If you're anticipating a challenging Christmas dinner with your mother who can be offensive and outspoken, think about how you want to behave in this situation. You don't want to get distracted by all the things you dislike about your mother's behavior; instead, focus on yourself.

The same is true if your challenge is to eat in moderation and avoid sugar at holiday parties. You can't control what other people serve, but you can control what you eat and what you bring to the party. Making a plan for how you'll behave at a party - especially as it pertains to what you'll eat and drink - increases the odds that you'll behave in a way that feels good to you.
Planning questions: How do you want to behave in this challenging situation? How can you remain true to your standards, values, and goals? What can you do to prepare yourself to handle this situation BEFORE it happens?
Be prepared for the unexpected

We all know that even with an excellent plan, unexpected challenges may still catch us off guard. Many people find it helpful to keep a list of some "emergency" coping strategies in their pocket or on their phone for quick reference.
Here are some ideas for coping strategies that may be helpful:
* Excuse yourself from an uncomfortable conversation.
* Keep the conversation light and on "safe" subjects (avoid controversial topics like politics, religion, and money).
* Count to 10 and take a few deep breaths before saying or doing anything.
* Repeat an encouraging mantra in your head such as "I can handle this" or "setting boundaries is a healthy form of self-respect."
* Ask for help.
* Go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, slowly breath in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4 (repeat), collect your thoughts.
* Use an "I statement" to calmly and kindly express your feelings and needs.
* Leave early.
Planning questions: What other coping strategies can you use if things get stressful? What strengths do you have that will help you cope?
You need extra self-care during times of stress

In addition to planning ahead and taking care of ourselves during difficult times, we need to give ourselves self-compassion and lots of TLC following a challenging situation. Spending time with "toxic" or challenging people and navigating high-stress situations takes a lot of physical and emotional energy. It's normal to need to replenish your energy with self-care activities such as rest, exercise, relaxing, spending time with positive people, spending time alone, journaling or reflecting. When we make time for such activities, we acknowledge that these situations are stressful - and they'd be stressful for anyone - and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be unaffected; we need to help ourselves recover.
Planning question: How will you take care of yourself AFTER a challenging situation?
Plan holiday activities that bring you joy

The final piece of our plan for coping with challenging people and situations is to focus on and plan enjoyable activities. I strongly believe in setting boundaries and declining invitations to gatherings or events that are likely to be highly stressful or painful. However, I also know that not everyone is ready to set those boundaries and that many gatherings are a mixture of stress and fun. So, if you're choosing to attend (or feel that you truly can't decline) a difficult holiday gathering, be sure that you've also got things on your calendar that will bring you joy during the holidays.
Planning questions: What's something that you're looking forward to during the holidays? What's one thing that you can do to make this holiday more enjoyable for yourself?
Free Coping with Challenging People and Situations Worksheet

If you'd like a free PDF copy of the Coping with Challenging People and Situations Worksheet, just click HERE to download one. And if you'd like more freebies, sign-up for Sharon's newsletter below!

©2017 Sharon Martin, LCSW. Originally published on SharonMartinCounseling.com. All rights reserved.
Photos courtesy of Unsplash.

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Create a Coping Plan for Challenging Holiday Situations

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Will you be facing some challenging people or situations as you celebrate Christmas or New Years? Holiday celebrations can be joyful, but they can also be stressful when we encounter "difficult" people and more demands on our time, energy, and finances.

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Every person and every relationship is an individual, and what is a deal breaker for you might be a must-have quality for someone else. It is important to make your own list of ideal qualities for a potential mate to possess, and to identify which ones are absolutely essential to you. However, no matter who you are or where you are in life, there are a few basic factors that are critical to long-term relationship success. Here are 7 qualities that should be non-negotiable.

2. 1. Integrity

Love is hard work, and only someone with a strong character is well prepared to handle its challenges. Look for honesty tempered by compassion, reliability, dependability, and an unflinching ability to meet life head on. Your partner should not make promises lightly. When a promise is made, he should do everything in his power to honor that promise. When things go awry, a person with integrity owns his portion of responsibility and works toward a solution.

2. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself into another person's shoes and connect with his emotions. Equal parts compassion, active listening, and helpful problem solving, empathy can be learned with repeated practice. If your partner has trouble showing empathy, explain exactly what behaviors you expect. If she shows genuine effort, be patient, but if she refuses to try, it might be better to move on.

3. Openness

Keeping secrets, hiding thoughts and behaviors, and glossing over difficult circumstances rapidly erode the trust and intimacy that are crucial to a loving relationship. If your partner is circumspect, refuses to discuss important matters, or tries to deflect questions, take it as a sign that she is not ready for a serious relationship.

4. Strong Moral Compass

Some people are guided by their religious beliefs, and are unwilling to date those who do not share their beliefs. Others find their moral compass in philosophy, science, or everyday observation of the world around them. Regardless of background or beliefs, a strong moral compass is essential for a healthy relationship. Those with questionable morals and situational ethics are unpredictable and difficult to trust. It is also important that your individual morals and values are compatible. You do not need to believe exactly the same things, but you need to agree on the basics of how you will conduct your lives and raise your children.

5. Stability

Stability is crucial for those considering a long-term relationship. However, it means something slightly different to everyone. Some common types of stability are financial stability, job stability, and emotional stability. You might need all three to feel secure, or you might prioritize just one or two. People who are unstable in every aspect of their lives, however, tend to have unstable relationships as well.

6. Commitment

Your partner does not need to put you on a pedestal, but he should be genuinely committed to making your relationship work. However, commitment issues are extremely common, especially in the early days of a relationship.

To decide whether it is worth giving your relationship more time, consider your partner's other commitments. Is he devoted to his children? Does she go the extra mile at work, even when she is mad at her boss? Those who have a few lasting commitments in their lives are more likely to honor a commitment to you.

7. Goals

Goals are the way that we keep our lives on track and moving forward. Without goals, people tend to stagnate and even regress. Ask your partner where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years. A detailed plan is not necessary, but those who have few goals for the future tend to live in the moment and be reluctant to move forward with a partner.

In addition, your goals should be compatible. If you envision wildly different futures, it will be difficult or impossible to sustain your relationship over time.

Every person has individual ideas about the best qualities that an ideal partner would possess, and which qualities are worth compromising. However, the 7 qualities listed above are key to a successful long-term relationship, and should be non-negotiable. Of course, these qualities apply to both partners. Take a hard look at yourself to ensure that you are truly ready for lasting love.
Looking for verifiable information on the science of attraction and relationships? We're a neuroscientist and a biological anthropologist eager to help you put the Anatomy of Love to work in your own life.

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7 Qualities That Should Be Non-Negotiable in a Partner

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Every person and every relationship is an individual, and what is a deal breaker for you might be a must-have quality for someone else. It is important to make your own list of ideal qualities for a potential mate to possess, and to identify which ones are absolutely essential to you.

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What were your thoughts when you read this article title? You might believe that attachment has nothing to do with mental health but it most certainly does. In fact, some people believe that topics about attachment only have something to do with newborn babies or toddlers. But the reality is that attachment is a natural phenomenon that occurs in every human relationship and begins during the first few years of life. Some people believe that attachment begins as early as in the womb between baby and mother. Our early life relationships often set the stage for how we will function within future relationships and will affect the boundaries we employ in each relationship. Research has suggested that healthy boundaries often include the ability to attach and detach when appropriate, foresee relational dangers, and employ appropriate boundaries. Unhealthy (or poor) attachment includes the inability to be independent when necessary, high levels of fear and anxiety when separated from a relationship, and very poor boundaries. This article will discuss how poor attachment correlates to unhealthy relationships in the long-run. This article will also highlight 5 unhealthy boundaries, often found in individuals with personality disorders or trauma histories, that we all should be aware of.

One of the most beautiful realities of being human is that we were all pre-programmed to bond with others. From the beginning of our lives to the end of our lives, bonding is a natural phenomenon. It is something that is desired throughout the generations and something that we cannot live without. For those people who are "people-persons," bonding is a wonderful piece of life. For those people who are, like myself, loners and introverts, bonding is still something we desire, although at a different level. Even pets desire to bond. What is life if we don't connect to each other? I am only aware of only two groups of people who truly could live without bonding and that would be sociopaths and narcissists. But for the most part, life exists so that we may bond together. In fact, bonding is a necessity for infants to grow, learn, and develop the appropriate developmental skills to survive as a growing human being.

As a therapist, I have had the opportunity of working with a wide range of clients and presenting concerns. One of the main issues, aside from borderline personality disorder and trauma, that I receive on my desk includes individuals who are struggling with appropriate boundaries and having their needs appropriately met in their current relationships (primarily family relationships). When a client feels that his or her needs are not being met, the individual will likely engage in behaviors that will result in their needs being met. For example, an adolescent girl who feels like the "blacksheep" in the family will most likely begin behaviors such as cutting or attempting suicide, sexually inappropriate behaviors, substance abuse, or some other risky behavior that will alarm adults which will result in receiving attention. Once that adolescent feels they are receiving the attention they "deserve," their negative behaviors become a pattern because the behavior has been reinforced by the attention received. A trip to the emergency room can easily become a repeated "tactic" that some individuals use to obtain attention from others. Just making statements such as "I would be better off dead" or "I might just kill myself" are easy ways for emotionally needy individuals to receive attention. This does not mean, however, that we should ignore such statements, but we should consider the motivation behind these statements.

It is important that I also mention that behaviors we might believe are attention seeking isn't always attention seeking. Some individuals thrive on drama and will often engage in risky behaviors to receive a "high." For drama-seekers, that "high" is like a drug and what gives them a "high" might include self-injurious behaviors or getting others concerned about their safety. Some individuals lack so much insight into their own attention-seeking behaviors that they don't believe they are purposely behaving as they are. There is often no accountability. In many cases, families must come together in a therapeutic setting to bring awareness to the severity of a client's poor boundaries and relational patterns. Sadly, an individual suffering from borderline personality disorder, other personality disorders, or psychotic disorders often develop inappropriate relational patterns that not only affects their future, but everyone else's.

As a result, it's important that we are able to identify the negative relational patterns that often characterize individuals with poor boundaries, poor personal insight, and poor judgment. There are 5 poor relational patterns or boundaries that I have noticed as being most common to individuals with poor attachment:

1. Becoming too close too soon: Many of my previous clients with BPD traits, often teenagers, struggle with maintaining appropriate boundaries. A relationship that may have started out rough or may have started out too friendly, too fast are often relationships that end in smoke (and flames). I've had many teens/young adults say to me "we didn't like each other at first but now we are really, really cool...I can tell her anything" or "I know I have only known him for 2 hours but we are meant to be together forever. I love him." Relational patterns that are too close too fast should send up red flags. It's okay to connect with people and enjoy connecting with new people. But red flags are raised when someone is too emotional or connected too fast with nothing but shallow engagement.

2. Being clingy, not loving: This is somewhat similar to my statement above, but it's a tad different because a clingy person can come across as loving and concerned. I have known adolescents who accuse their parent (mother or father) of dating many people and claim, after 10 weeks together, that they cannot live without this person. Their emotions are ten times what they normally would be and the person believes that their connection with the other person is somewhat "divine." While I (and many others) believe people are preordained to be with certain people in their lives, this kind of person is shallowly engaged in the relationship. There is a delusional element to their emotions which often appears disproportionate to reality. While love can be very strong between two people, healthy love is developed over time and is not "blinded" by shallow attractions (physical appearance, prestige, style, etc). A person who is extremely clingy is a needy person who is trying to meet their needs with a relationship that will never be sufficient. Think back to the beginning of this article when we discussed attachment. A child who has been deprived of his or her mother's love can certainly grow into an adult who is desperately seeking for love in all the wrong places. Unfortunately, many people are labeled "irresponsible" because of their choice of many partners, living style, or emotional chaos. But the reality is most likely that they are starving for a connection they were never able to experience.

3. Overidentifying with strangers: Do you know someone like this? Perhaps it's your family member, a friend, or colleague. Or...perhaps...it's you. These individuals often find themselves attached to people who show them the slightest amount of attention (a smile, a caring gesture, offering their help, etc.) and may eventually come to believe that all of their encounters are closer than they really are. Individuals such as this are starving for a powerful emotional connection that will put them in the position of a "child" and the other person in the position of "a parent." I have had clients who have desired a close relationship with a parent so much that they began to view all of my therapeutic interactions with them as parental and all of their interactions with me as child-like. The reality was that I was being sucked into their emotional neediness. It is important that therapists maintain appropriate boundaries so that the individual will not feel let down or "abandoned" when therapy is terminated or when the therapist cannot be present. I've known therapists who have had clients who have gotten upset with them for taking a vacation, getting married, or coming to work with a baby-bump. Client's truly attach to their therapist (if the therapist is good to them) and may over-identify with them and ultimately get hurt. Individuals like this are seeking love in all the wrong places and may eventually find a person who lacks boundaries themselves and will be emotionally hurt in the long run.

4. Going to great lengths to be close to anyone perceived as positive: Have you seen individuals who just seem overly connected to people with perceived power? These kind of individuals feel connected to people who hold some kind of power such as police officers, mental health therapists or psychiatrists, other doctors, actors, musicians, famous designers, professors, supervisors, etc. That "power," which is often perceived and not real, causes the individual to either become romantically attracted to the person or believe that they can receive some kind of love or affection from this person. Individuals with this skewed relational view often become stalkers.

5. Getting sucked into the status quo: Individuals who tend to lack an identify, level of self-confidence, or a belief in their own abilities often seek for people they can mimic or emulate. Many of the adolescents with poor self-image often identify with singers, actresses, teachers they admire, or peers they respect. These individuals, which often include adults as well, get sucked in by the latest fashion trends and feel stressed or overwhelmed when they cannot look the way they ultimately want to look. Such individuals might pursue surgery to fix "flaws," spend a lot of money on fashion or make-up, pursue friends or love interest that are attractive, drive modern cars, or make a "lifestyle" out of pursuing things that will keep them looking good and up-to-date with everyone. Individuals like this are often seeking some sort of relational validation and is compensating with shallow things.

As you can see, individuals with poor attachment can often grow into needy, emotionally hungry adults. However, it is important for me to also mention that individuals, who have a poor attachment history or traumatic history including abuse or neglect, don't alway become needy, emotionally starved adults. Some children or teens are very resilient and are able to bounce back as adults. Early therapeutic intervention, adoption or foster care with healthy adults, or great levels of personal insight often provides a layer of protection for individuals who are at risk for developing unhealthy relational patterns.

What's your experience with unhealthy relational patterns? Know someone like this?

As always, I wish you well

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Emotional Attachment: 5 Unhealthy Relational Patterns

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Photo credit: Unsplash What were your thoughts when you read this article title? You might believe that attachment has nothing to do with mental health but it most certainly does. In fact, some people believe that topics about attachment only have something...

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"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it" - unknown

As a Manhattan-based psychotherapist working with a high-functioning adult population, I am always surprised to encounter a repetitive theme in my office. People, no matter how smart, successful, and savvy, find it impossible to break up with their toxic jobs, relationships, and friends. Clients repeatedly walk into my practice frustrated with their life-draining, dysfunctional relationships or jobs.

Picture a panting dog wrapped up in a quagmire of attachments, limping into a therapy office desperate for guidance on how to break free from traps of its own making. If you are human, and a social being, this situation is a familiar one. You can sympathize with how many times you've experienced this kind of predicament.

Most people are well-versed on how it begins: you engage innocently with the highest of hopes, just a little fun with a piece of yarn, never-mind the little "red flag" label with the small print warning: you may get wrapped up in something you may not easily escape. Whether it's a job that seems a little too good to be true that ends up being a dead end, a potential lover who makes you feel like you've won the lottery but ends up a flaking out on every major life event, or the friend who always needs your help but seems to disappear when you need a favor.

The most important step is admitting you have a problem. In my experience, the main reason why people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships is because once they've invested their time, they become attached to being right about their choice. It's humbling but grounding to admit to being wrong and facing the inevitable disappointment. Once you disengage, you'll realize that facing your shortcomings isn't nearly as painful as the repetitive disappointment of wasting your time staying attached to something so unfulfilling and unhealthy.

The next step is to take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you'll to figure it out. Don't focus on how long it's going to take. Don't just jump to fixing or cutting or breaking free. The key for the process of understanding how to untangle yourself from unhealthy ties is clarity, understanding, and patience. Lastly, it's critical to gather social support to bolster your confidence in yourself. Because at the end of the day, you'll have more courage knowing you've got people who have your back.

Below are some questions to ask yourself:

1. What part of this dynamic do you own and how much of it is about the other person?

2. What were you hoping to get out of this job/relationship? What are you really getting out of it?

3. How much does it cost you? (Emotionally, physically, intellectually, materially, spiritually)

4. What are you afraid will happen if you end it?

Answer the questions honestly. Then, make a pros-and-cons list to counter the losses and fears. Keep the focus on yourself and what your needs are, not on the other party's shortcomings. Ultimately, this is about you getting your needs met.

Start with small steps by taking some time away and giving yourself the space to reflect. Notice your feelings and thoughts when you have perspective. Begin to explore what it's like to set limits:

1. Set limits by using "don't" and "won't" instead of "can't." For example, "I don't want this, I won't do this, I prefer not to" rather than "I can't do this."

2. Make a plan to put aside time each week to work on finding a healthier option.

3. Practice having an open dialogue by using "I" sentences (I feel, I think, I want).

4. Make a relapse-prevention plan to avoid future entanglements by identifying the early red flags of an unhealthy attachment.

These are simple ways to begin to disentangle yourself from unhealthy connections. If you find yourself in a repetitive pattern, you may want to consider seeking professional help to understand why you keep getting stuck in the same cycle.

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How to Mindfully Fire Toxic Friends & Loved Ones: A Shrink's Guide to Setting Boundaries

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"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it" - unknown As a Manhattan-based psychotherapist working with a high-functioning adult population, I am always surprised to encounter a repetitive theme in my office. People, no matter how smart, successful, and savvy, find it impossible to break up with their toxic jobs, relationships, and friends.

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When someone has broken a physical boundary, it's usually easy to tell. These boundaries relate to your body, physical space and privacy. For instance, someone might cross your physical boundary when they stand too close or barge into your room without knocking.

However, emotional and mental boundaries tend to be more subtle and tougher to spot. How do you know if someone has crossed these limits?

Here are six telltale signs, along with how to tell someone they've broken your boundary.
1. You justify someone's bad behavior.
According to Jan Black, author of Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life, a lesser-noticed sign is when you make excuses or justify others' bad treatment of you. She gave these examples:

"Don't worry; Brad only treats me badly when he's stressed.

Mary doesn't mean to be rude, she's just comfortable around me.

Yes, Sheila makes fun of me but I know she loves me."

2. You blame yourself for things going wrong.
This doesn't mean taking responsibility when you've done something wrong. Rather, it's another form of making excuses when someone else mistreats you.

Black shared these examples:

"If I kept a cleaner house, he wouldn't need to call me a slob.

It's my own fault that my co-worker takes credit for my work.

My shyness makes Bob think he's got to talk enough for both of us."

3. You feel shame.
According to Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, a relationship expert and author of The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide for Overwhelmed Women, another boundary violation is when you feel shame for no apparent reason.

For instance, let's say a stay-at-home mom designates one night per week as her personal time. Her husband agrees to take care of their child every Wednesday night. However, he calls her several times while she's out to say that their child misses her, Hanks said.
4. You start doubting your decision.
You make a decision that you believe works for you, but you start second-guessing yourself after someone else keeps questioning it.

For instance, a college student decides to major in engineering, said Hanks, who also writes the blog Private Practice Toolbox on Psych Central. "He's planned his schedule for next semester and shares his excitement about the decision with his parents." They say they support him. But they start asking questions and insinuating that engineering might be too challenging and he might do better with another major, she said.
5. You sense something is "off."
You can't pinpoint what's wrong. But your internal warning system keeps ringing. For instance, you were invited to a party but you're getting the feeling that this group really has a hidden agenda, Black said. Or someone's stories simply don't add up to what you know about their past, she said.
6. Your decision is disregarded.
Put another way, you "sense you've given away your power to choose," Hanks said. For instance, it's your birthday dinner, and you tell your friends that you'd like to eat at your favorite Italian restaurant. However, as you're driving to dinner, your friend suggests going to the new Thai place instead. And she "starts driving there, reassuring you that you'll love it," she said.

According to Black, you can communicate clearly that someone has crossed the line by using words or actions. "In most cases, your tone does not need to be angry or dramatic. You are simply stating and managing what is."

For instance, she shared these sample phrases:

"No.

Stop.

FYI, I have a thing about that.

I'm drawing new lines around that and need you to respect them.

I am uncomfortable with this.

I am no longer willing to do that [or] go there.

That doesn't work for me.

If you want to be with me, things need to change.

I am upset by what just happened.

Let me explain how I see what you did.

I don't agree.

You are asking me to put myself in danger and I won't do it.

Please say that differently."

Regarding your actions, you might leave; shake your head "No"; put up your hand (as if to say "stop"); avoid the person or situation until you're able to confront them; or seek professional help, she said.

Setting and protecting your boundaries takes practice. As Black said, "Perfect is not the goal; your safety and freedom is."

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6 Subtle Signs Your Boundaries Are Being Broken

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When someone has broken a physical boundary, it's usually easy to tell. These boundaries relate to your body, physical space and privacy. For instance, someone might cross your physical boundary when they stand too close or barge into your room without knocking. However, emotional and mental boundaries tend to be more subtle and tougher to spot.

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Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. | Living Resources Center

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A lot of depression arises from a chronic feeling that one is a victim. A victim of what? The emotions never really specify. The fact that you feel like a victim of some unnamed, unidentified "cause" creates a sense that life is futile, and that the pursuit of happiness, goals and values is pointless. Over time, it leads to a sense of depression.

From my experience, the person who feels victimized is most often his or her own worst enemy. As the cartoonist Walt Kelly once said through his animated creation, Pogo, "We have met the enemy and he is us." It's difficult to face. After all, when you're depressed, the last thing you want to hear is that it's all your fault. But it's also liberating. If you're the one creating the problem, you're the one who can fix it.

What causes the sense of victimization resulting in depression? A lot of times, it's a sense of complacency. Complacency is "a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements." It's a false belief that you're doing the right things to advance or improve/maintain your life, when you're really not. It's a hostility or antipathy to criticism, self-awareness or soul-searching. Companies and businesses go through this. They become successful and they stagnate, or lose out against new competition when it develops. Individuals are the same way. They attain success or momentum in some area, and then they get stuck. They falsely believe they're more "set" than they really are.

I'm not only talking about material or economic progress here, although that's part of it. I'm also talking about "spiritual" or psychological, mental, emotional growth, as well. I find this a lot. Complacent people might thrive economically, and still be unhappy. They say things like, "I have a great income, I'm doing everything I want, I have great people in my life...but I'm still depressed. How can this be?" Usually the problem here is complacency. The person has attended to material progress, and even personal relationship progress, quite well. But he or she has not checked in with him- or herself on a regular enough basis to identify, "How happy am I with this? Am I missing out on anything? Do I need or want any course corrections here?" The failure to do this leads to a sense of victimization. "Something's not going right." Resentment and anger build, eventually collapsing into depression when answers never emerge.

In psychology, there's a concept known as locus of control. Some people have a more internal locus of control, while others have a more external locus of control. People with an external locus of control tend to feel like outside sources are running the show. "Society," God, family, biological destiny, the environment, just to name a few examples. People like this get bent out of shape and ultimately depressed. Why? Because they're focused on how someone or something else has written the script for their life, and they don't get a say in it. The more they come to accept this form of determinism or fatalism, often masked as scientific truth and not only religion, the more their depression and accompanying sense of futility grow. People with an internal locus of control grasp the power of their own actions, choices, thinking and attitudes in shaping their own destinies. They are much less prone to depression and rarely suffer from complacency because they recognize they're in the driver's seats of their own lives.

A lot is made of the up and coming millennial generation. More and more young people, we're hearing, are lost and adrift, unable or unwilling to move out of their parents' homes, get their own jobs/careers/health insurance, and so forth. What's going on? If you scratch the surface with such individuals, you'll almost always find a sense of complacency. On the surface, it's depression. The person appears and often sincerely is unmotivated, not ambitious, not driven. But you'll often find, in such cases, a kind of chip-on-the-shoulder resentment, or sense of entitlement, arising from this sense of complacency, from the false belief that one is more qualified to engage in the pursuit of values than one has really taken the time to become. A lot of these millennials were exposed to parents, teachers and others who reinforced for them the false belief that they're not only entitled to the vast amount of wealth and accomplishment around them, but that such plenty comes into existence far easier than it really does, or can. Most prior generations were exposed to the idea, "You can make something of yourself, but it's up to you to do it." Complacency blocks such thinking in individuals, and on the social level as well.

Complacent individuals expect things to happen automatically and easily, with little or no effort expended. That's one problem. The complacent person becomes easily disappointed, easily frustrated and then angry that things are not going as smoothly as he or she thinks they should. There's a subconscious (and even conscious) sense that, "Others don't have to work this hard. It isn't fair." Ultimately this leads to some kind of depression, because this "stinkin' thinkin'" doesn't lead to anything but a chronic sense of futility and victimization. It's a modern form of fatalism, whereby the person feels as if someone or something else has written the script of his or her life, and there's nothing that can be done about it. And the snake oil salespersons in the media, politics, and even the medical and mental health professions often stand ready to exploit that sense of victimization by claiming, in one form or another, "You're right. It's not your fault. You're entitled to better. Get angry." Well, anger is a nice alternative to depression, at least for a time. But in the end, you're still stuck with the complacency that gave rise to the depression.

The alternative to complacency is a fresh perspective. Yes, therapy, but only if "therapy" means a whole new way of looking at yourself, your mind and your choices. It includes a willingness to believe that your own attitudes and thinking, including subconscious thinking, give rise to your emotions and ultimately your behaviors. It's a spirit of honest and ongoing self-reflection/self-criticism whereby one reasons, "Obviously, if I'm unhappy, I'm doing something wrong here. I have some faulty assumptions and my choices are not, over time, leading to what I want. At the same time, I have the ability to figure out which choices are mistaken, and why, and make changes in my thinking and action that will yield better results." Sure, the answers are not usually self-evident, and sometimes (rational) professional help is required. But self-change has to be your operating premise. So long as it is, there's always hope, and you no longer have to be the victim of your own complacency.

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A lot of depression arises from a chronic feeling that one is a victim. A victim of what? The emotions never really specify. The fact that you feel like a victim of some unnamed, unidentified "cause" creates a sense that life is futile, and that the pursuit of happiness, goals and values is pointless.

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Internal Locus of Control | Encyclopedia of Psychology

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The belief that events in one's life, whether good or bad, are caused by controllable factors such as one's attitude, preparation, and effort. Example: When the boy failed a test, he acknowledged that he hadn't studied enough and didn't understand a few of its key questions.

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The Beginning of a Broken Childhood

I was born in Fort Lauderdale back in 1978. At the time, my parents had been married for nine years, and were on the verge of divorce. My mother had an abortion prior to my birth, and after I was born by cesarean section, my parents officially ended their marriage.

My mother didn't want me, and wrote a letter saying as much. The letter was addressed to my father's parents, my grandparents, with whom she was leaving me. My father had decided that was the best course of action, but made an effort, with a few visitations during my first year of life, to be involved.

My parents made no effort to hide any of this from me. I knew from a very young age that I was adopted. Granted, I was adopted by immediate family, but adopted nonetheless.

This really made no difference to me. My parents were the people raising me, not the people who gave birth to me. It was just a fact.

Growing Up with a Controlling Mother

Growing up was difficult. I attended private, catholic school all my life including high school. I didn't have any friends in elementary school, and I was routinely picked on by bullies. I had an above average IQ, and was apparently "pretty" because adults told me as much. This made me the perfect target for bullies.

In my heart, I didn't really care that everyone teased me and called me ugly or fat (I was actually quite skinny). But in the back of my mind, it affected me. Despite my outward expression of self-confidence, I was only confident when I was by myself.

Ironically, during my years as a young child, my mother wasn't horribly controlling. However, I was never allowed to have a sleep over (either at my house or theirs), and I only had one birthday party that I can remember, and only one person showed up, which is why I remember it.

As I got older, my mother's controlling behavior just escalated.

During high school, I had a couple of friends who were in the band, which was the only time I was really allowed to "socialize." One of them was a witch, and his best friend became my best friend.

She was amazing. She laughed at all my jokes; she even helped me stand up against the bullies. My mom told me to simply ignore them because they were just jealous. Although she was probably right, there was no other comforting offered. Just a lot of physical hugs and kisses (on the mouth), which I had come to despise.

In my junior year, a new student started at our school. He was probably THE best-looking guy in the school and he became MY boyfriend. Strangely, no one really picked on me after that.

Except for my mother.

I was never the type to talk with anyone about anything, especially my parents. I kept just about everything to myself. This lead to my mom being so nosy she would ransack my room, including my garbage, to find out anything she could about my life.

I tried to keep a diary, but she put a stop to that by reading it constantly. How do you stop someone from invading your privacy? You keep everything inside. Eventually for one of my birthday's, my mom got me a diary with a combination lock on it, and promised never to read it again. She never did, not that I know of anyway. But I didn't really write in it anymore either.

This didn't stop her from rummaging through my garbage, though. There were many, many arguments with my parents. Most of them entailed my mom yelling at my dad and I, while we sat there and stared at the floor.

One time, she even threw out the Christmas turkey and then stayed in her bedroom all day. It was a common occurrence. I actually enjoyed these times since it was just dad and I.

We'd sometimes watch Tom and Jerry cartoons and on the days mom wouldn't come out to cook dinner, we'd have peanut butter sandwiches dipped in coffee. Dad and I were always close.

Saturday mornings were bad. I'd be rudely awakened by screaming. Mom inevitably would be screaming at dad in the kitchen about things that happened 40 years ago. The screaming was amplified by the air conditioning vent so I could hear every word.

My mom thought I slept too much because I "slept in" until noon or later.

I wasn't sleeping; I was hiding.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was leave my room on days like that because the second I stepped foot into the kitchen, either I'd get dragged into it, or it would just stop and mom would act like nothing happened... to me.

Dad would be sitting in the corner of the kitchen staring at the floor and if she had anything to say to him, she would say it in a tone that I can't even describe. My only escape from all of this was the driving.

Once I got my license (which I didn't get until I was 17), I spent as much time in my car as I could. It was my safe haven. Even to this day, driving my car is the one place I feel the safest.

I became a smoker and tried a few drugs. I wanted an escape from life. I guess it was also a way of rebelling, although I never thought of it that way. I didn't know how else to cope. Anytime I was home, I had to walk on eggshells around my mom. She was a ticking time bomb.

For example, I went to a dermatologist for my acne when I was 18 who suggested birth control pills to regulate my period, which would also regulate the hormones causing the acne problem.

I didn't want pills, and definitely not birth control pills. Not only did I know my mother would freak out, I knew birth control pills had side effects, and I just didn't want to deal with them.

I had called her via my cell phone on my way back from the doctor (she surprisingly let me go alone), and made the mistake of telling her the doctor's suggestion over the phone. As I suspected, when I told her the dermatologist suggested birth control as a line of treatment, she freaked out.

For someone who was afraid to let me drive at all, she was doing quite a bit of yelling in my ear while I was driving, and it wasn't about calling her while driving. I remember her words vividly: "I don't like where this is going!" she screamed.

I think I blocked out the rest of the conversation. But I do remember taking my time to get home.

Rebelling Against Controlling Parents in Adulthood

After graduation, I chose a little Baptist college in a tiny town, four hours away from home. Once I got there, I had a hard time dealing with all the freedom. My mom wasn't hovering over me telling me to study, what to wear or how to style my hair. I was free. I knew my parents had a four hour drive to the school if they wanted to come and take me home. It was enough time to run.

The last half of my freshman year, my mom told me if I was good, and brought up my GPA, she'd put the car in my name and let me drive it my sophomore year.

I was the perfect little angel for those six months, and I did enough extra credit to double my GPA. My mom kept her word and put the car in my name.

I was smart, I knew once she put the car in my name she couldn't take it from me. I was 18, and if she did take it, I could report it stolen. Getting the car in my name changed me, although I didn't realize it at the time.

I had a career, that paid enough to make the rent. The week I moved into my new apartment, I got a $3 raise. I was set. I had a car, and I had my dogs.

For three months, I did some soul-searching. I delved further into my spirituality, and I realized I had let my controlling parents ruin my life by running away.

The relationship with my parents has never been the same. I became overly analytical to compensate for my mom's irrationally emotional behavior. This has driven my life. I despise talking with my mom.

I eventually remarried and had a daughter of my own. Initially, I tried to keep my parents in my daughter's life thinking they could offer some enrichment. But every time I called my mother, she would say nothing but derogatory things about my husband and my life.

These conversations with my mom would leave me feeling anxious, angry and frustrated, which I inevitably took out on my husband and daughter. I eventually realized I couldn't keep doing this. The effects of each conversation lasted longer, and I would put off calling my mom as long as possible because I just didn't want to deal with her. This just lead to more anxiety and frustration and it took a toll on both me and my family.

I eventually came to the conclusion that the only way to fix the situation was to stop talking to my mother altogether. It really wasn't a difficult decision. I knew I didn't want my daughter growing up exposed to my mother's vitriol.

Best decision I ever made.

Dealing with Controlling Parents

Controlling parents have a massive psychological impact on their children. They can strip them of the ability to find anything satisfying in life, and this is something that is virtually impossible to overcome.

I've had to separate myself completely from my parents, unfortunately, in an effort to change my outlook on life. Talking to my parents only serves to reinforce the negative mindset I've worked so hard to shift.

To many people, including myself, severing contact with parents may seem harsh, and it very well may be. But, I have to do what is right for my child now. If not speaking with my parents gives her the life I never had, then so be it. I despise emotion. I really dislike affection. I refuse to let my daughter feel the same way.

If you enjoyed this article, please share it with your friends and family on social media so this story can reach others who may need to read it.

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The Psychological Effect of a Controlling Mother

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I was born in Fort Lauderdale back in 1978. At the time, my parents had been married for nine years, and were on the verge of divorce. My mother had an abortion prior to my birth, and after I was born by cesarean section, my parents officially ended their marriage.

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Parental Influence on the Emotional Development of Children

by Bethel Moges and Kristi Weber

When most people think of parenting, they picture changing diapers, messy feeding times, and chasing a screaming child through a crowded grocery store. But parenting goes far beyond the requirements for meeting the basic survival needs of the child, and parents have a significant influence on how children turn out, including their personality, emotional development, and behavioral habits, as well as a host of other factors. It is important for the overall development of children that parents be present enough to support them, and this support fosters confidence and growth in many areas. Here we will explore the ways parents can impact the emotional development of their children.

Sometimes, just being physically present is not enough. Parents that may be nearby but that are not emotionally invested or responsive tend to raise children that are more distressed and less engaged with their play or activities. A study investigating the connection between parent's investment and children's competence suggests that the emotional involvement of parents really does matter and affects the outcome of their child's emotional competence and regulation (Volling, 458). Parents should keep this in mind when considering the quality of the time they spend with their children, because if they do not invest enough of their time and commitment into pouring emotionally into their child, the child will struggle to learn how to regulate his emotions and interact with others appropriately.

In studying the outcomes of Ainsworth's Strange Situation experiments, L. Alan Sroufe found that the style of early attachment relationships predicts later emotional development of children. Sroufe asserts that, "Such variations [of relationship quality] are not reflections of genetically based traits of the infant but of the history of interaction with the parent" (188). This suggests that attachment styles are not inborn but are driven by how parents interact with their infant from birth. Longitudinal attachment studies show that children with anxious attachment were likely to be emotionally disturbed and have low self-esteem (Sroufe 190). If the form of attachment has such long-lasting impacts on children, it is clear that parents must treat their children in ways that foster secure attachment in order for the children to grow into emotionally stable adolescents and adults.

An important factor in the emotional development of children is how warm caregivers are, and studies have been done to find the effects of depressed mothers on the emotional development of children. Depressed mothers have maladaptive thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors, and these, along with being in a similarly stressful environment as the mother, put a child at risk of developing his own emotional problems (Sroufe 204). The fact that depressed mothers are likely to be indifferent towards their children, put them in less social situations, and generally provide less stimulation for their children, puts the children at a disadvantage for achieving normal emotional development.

A key aspect of emotional development in children is learning how to regulate emotions. Children see how their parents display emotions and interact with other people, and they imitate what they see their parents do to regulate emotions (Sheffield Morris et. al). A child's temperament also plays a role in their emotion regulation, guided by the parenting style they receive (Belsky et al). For example, children more prone to negative emotions or episodes of anger are deeply affected by hostile and neglectful parenting, often leading to even more behavioral problems. Difficult temperaments can become a bidirectional problem that evokes even more negative emotions from the parent if not monitored. Parents should be aware that not only do their own emotions and parenting style affect the emotional outcomes of their children, but if they are not aware of how their children's tempers affect them, they could fall into a spiral of ineffective and indifferent parenting which further contributes to negative behaviors from the children.

Furthermore, how parents address the emotions of their children and respond to them affects how expressive the children feel they can be. Reacting with criticism or dismissing the sadness or anger of a child communicates that their emotions are not valid or appropriate, which can cause children to be even more prone to those negative emotions and less able to cope with stress (Siegler et. al). Instead, guiding children's emotions and helping them find ways to express themselves in a healthy manner helps them continue regulating their responses to challenges and even aids their academic and social competence. This sort of emotion coaching greatly helps in reducing future problem behavior in children.

In addition to being able to express their own emotions, it is important in social situations for children to be able to identify and deal with the emotions of those around them. Parents model for their children how to comfort someone who is crying or smile at someone who is smiling, but other parental behaviors also influence how their children learn to understand the emotions of others. It has been found that the interaction between parents affects a child's emotional and social development, and marital conflict contributes to problems in these developmental areas (Sheffield Morris et. al). The biggest contributing factor in marital relations affecting children's emotional development is whether the child hears the parents fighting. This is referred to as "background anger" in the child's environment and if the child is exposed to it, even though it is not directed at the child, problems with emotional security and regulation are likely to result from it (Sheffield Morris et. al). Coming from a family with divorced parents, I (Kristi) can relate to this issue of background anger being a factor, because although my parents split when I was at a vulnerable age, they made sure not to fight in front of my sister and I, and I think that allowed us to have a healthier reaction to the divorce and to be emotionally well-adjusted in social interactions.

Parenting decisions affect how children turn out physically, socially, and emotionally, but that is not to say parents should be obsessed with following certain steps to have a perfectly well-adjusted child. We accept that there is no perfect formula for parents to model behavior or speak to children in certain ways to make them have a perfect emotional development experience, and that places a limit on our exploration of this subject. Parents can help their children develop into emotionally stable people by giving them a supportive environment, positive feedback, role models of healthy behavior and interactions, and someone to talk to about their emotional reactions to their experiences.

References

Sheffield Morris, A., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotional regulation. Social Development, 16(2), pp 361-388.

Siegler, R., DeLoache, J., & Eisenberg, N. (2011). How children develop. (3rd ed.). New York: Worth Publishers.

Sroufe, L. A. (2001). From infant attachment to promotion of adolescent autonomy: Prospective, longitudinal data on the role of parents in development. In J. G. Borkowski, S. L. Ramey & M. Bristol-Power (Eds.), Parenting and the Child's World: Influences on Academic, Intellectual, and Social-emotional Development. Psychology Press.

Volling, B., McElwain, N., Notaro, P., & Herrera, C. (2002). Parents' emotional availability and infant emotional competence: Predictors of parent-infant attachment and emerging self-regulation. Journal of family psychology, 16, pp 447-465.

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Parental Influence on the Emotional Development of Children

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Parental Influence on the Emotional Development of Children by Bethel Moges and Kristi Weber When most people think of parenting, they picture changing diapers, messy feeding times, and chasing a screaming child through a crowded grocery store.

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5. They really, really care about the name of the college their kid gets into.

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A narcissistic parent is one who is motivated to raise children who will fit into a role prescribed for them by the parent. Think of the parent as an architect, drawing plans for what the house-in this case, the child-should look like. The narcissistic parent has set ideas from the start about how his or her child will dress and act, and what they will achieve. Narcissistic parents are extremely image conscious and have a strict need for their offspring to fit the image they have prescribed.

The narcissistic parent is motivated by the wish for their child to achieve a fixed type of success conceptualized by the parent alone. Narcissistic parents often did not achieve all their personal or career dreams, and so they look to their children to overcompensate for their own shortcomings and perform, perform, perform. The children of narcissists are cast into the role of high-functioning puppet. If narcissistic parents could have their way, they would orchestrate most moves their children make in life-who would be in their social circle; what sports they'd play; where they'd go to school; who they'd date and marry; and what they'd do for a living. Narcissistic parents are control freaks incarnate, and their children must constantly refer to the script their parents have written for them. (For more about the psychological effect of narcissistic parenting on children, see my article, "Narcissistic Parents' Psychological Effect on Their Children.")

Take a look at the signs described below and ask yourself if you are guilty of any of these traits or behaviors with your own child, or whether you know someone who uses these unhealthy tactics with their children.
1. The narcissistic parent decides how the child dresses or wears his hair.
For narcissists, image is everything. While children are babies and toddlers, of course, the parent-narcissistic or otherwise-chooses their clothing. But as children reach school age, most will have their own ideas about what they like to wear. Narcissistic parents, however, aren't interested in hearing what shirts or shorts their children like, and they certainly don't ask their opinion. Clothing is selected to fit the image the parent desires. Such parents are deeply invested in a child's clothing or hair because they are focused exclusively on the message their child's style sends to the world. As a therapist, it's my belief that parents should let children dress and wear their hair in the style of their choice. It's understandable to have rules about not letting a child use hair dye or other products until a certain age, but otherwise, let your kid decide whether to wear his or her hair short or long, and so forth.
2. The narcissistic parent treats report cards like statements of a child's personal worth.
I've worked with many clients who sprang from narcissistic parents. They come for help because they've already spent years trying to undo some of the toxic mental programming they received as kids. One male client in his 30s shared how his mother used to calculate his grade point average from the time he was in second grade. You'd think, based on this example, that the narcissistic parent truly cares about her son getting good grades-and you'd be right. However, she didn't care enough to spend any time with him doing homework or reading, which would certainly have resulted in better grades. This narcissistic parent's logic and expectation: I want you to perform at a very high level, but I am not sacrificing any of my time or energy to help you do that. The child of the narcissist always ends up feeling the same thing: I'm on my own.
3. The narcissistic parent wants to select their child's friends.
Narcissists make many decisions based on surface images. A narcissistic parent would rather their child be friends with the daughter of a CEO than the daughter of a mechanic, even if the CEO's child isn't very nice and the mechanic's child is extremely kind. Narcissistic parents are often social climbers, telling themselves that the success of those around them reflects highly on themselves. The narcissistic parent thinks-or says out loud-"Why couldn't you be friends with [a successful, socially high-ranking child]?" I would maintain that emotional success-being happy and having a sense of purpose-is more important than professional success.
4. The narcissistic parent wants compliance from their children, above all else.
These parents need obedience and compliance because the parents have set up-at least in their own minds-a step-by-step how-to program on creating the kid they want. If the child resists the parent's authority or decisions, this runs major interference for the parent's plans. The parent thinks, You're not doing what I want, and my needs are more important than yours. Healthy parents don't need so much compliance from children because they haven't already finalized the profile of what they're looking for their child to become. They see their child as separate, and allow separateness and individuation in their children.
5. The narcissistic parent really, really cares about the name of the college their child attends.
Bliss for the narcissistic parent is simple: "My child just got accepted to Harvard." Having a child get into Harvard, he or she believes, reflects fairly equally on the parent. But in the same way that I don't believe it reflects badly on a parent if their child goes to a local community college, I don't think it reflects so much on a parent if their child goes to Harvard. For healthy parents, their children are their offspring, but they're not carbon copies. Healthy parents do not need their children to be anything other than what they are naturally. They would say, "I'm not sure what kind of school they'll go to, but I'll be here to support them as they figure it out."
6. The narcissistic parent has an unofficial list of acceptable professions for their child to choose.
The goal shouldn't be for parents to push their children to become, say, doctors, lawyers, or CEOs. Are we even sure that the people who have those professions are happier? The goal should really be to help a child identify his or her interests and skills, and to provide the kind of independence they'll need to cultivate a future that's a good match for who they really are. I can think of a number of clients who completed graduate degrees but never used them. Those degrees are the ghosts of parents who pushed their kids into something that wasn't ultimately the right fit. Parents should accept that their children belong in the professions that they want to pursue, and which hopefully capitalize on their unique strengths.
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A narcissistic parent is one who is motivated to raise children who will fit into a role prescribed for them by the parent. Think of the parent as an architect, drawing plans for what the house-in this case, the child-should look like.

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"Girls are weak-minded; boys are strong-willed."

"Tamilians aren't united at all. Look at the Malayalis! They always stick together, wherever they are."

"Marwari boys need not study at all. They have their fathers' businesses to take up."

Don't we come across such statements that stereotype people quite often? So, what is the rationale behind this practice? None. It is just a way of subjective labelling or branding of an individual or a group, without complete knowledge about them. It doesn't necessarily reflect the truth about the individual or group in question.

Stereotyping can take several forms. It can be targeted at individuals or a group or section of people. Comments based on common stereotypes are prevalent everywhere - in schools, colleges, offices and even homes.

Stereotyping creates a negative impact on children's young minds. Chennai-based psychological counsellor Vasuki Mathivanan says, "When children experience stereotyping based on gender, learning skills, caste and other characteristics, it gets strongly registered in their young minds. This plays a major role in shaping their individuality as they grow up."

Some negative effects of stereotyping are as follows:

1. It makes children narrow-minded

We generally relate certain characteristics to a group of people. When we come across an individual belonging to that group, we assume that he or she too would possess the group's trait. But, the truth is that characteristics of individuals depend largely on their own personality traits.

Seventeen-year-old G R Vasavi from Hyderabad narrates one of her experiences here. "Once, I visited my friend Farhana's home for group study. I was quite surprised to see her not wearing a burqah. She was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of shorts! Posters of Rihanna and Harry Potter adorned the walls of her room. I had never seen her wear anything other than a burqah to school. I never knew how her hair looked. I was surprised to find that she had cropped hair. All my assumptions about her as a very conservative, religiously-influenced girl were shattered at that moment. I was even more surprised to know that both her parents were doctors. That day, I realised how foolish it is to brand people based on very little or no information we have," she says.

2. It creates cultural barriers

The tendency to stereotype people based on their caste, religion, colour, region, nationality and sex is common all around the world. This kind of stereotyping creates a huge divide between people. We've often come across jokes on Sardarjis and Mallus. These are classic examples of stereotyping one particular community, and don't augur well for the society at large. For example, In India, there is a tendency for some people from North India considering all South Indians as Madarasis and that they eat only idlis, and South Indians viewing all North Indians as Marwari businessmen. When children are exposed to these forms of stereotypes, they grow up without an actual understanding of people belonging to cultures other than their own.

3. It demotivates children

Karthik Lakshmanan, a Chennai-based psychiatric counsellor, says, "There is a general assumption among city students that their counterparts from villages don't fare well in colleges. Even though there is no foundation for this notion, this kind of branding can have a huge negative impact on such students and can affect their overall performance. I've advised many such students from rural backgrounds to not let their confidence down on hearing such comments."

Sukami Ramesh from Apollo Hospitals, Bengaluru, says, "I know of a college student who was labelled as a 'rustic villager' by his classmates. Just to avoid this tag, he started demanding more money from his parents so that he could buy fashionable and expensive clothes. He was not strong enough to brush aside the comments. Instead, he resorted to temporary ways to boost his self-esteem, and this affected him and his family significantly."

4. It deters children from being their own selves

To help minimise the effect of stereotyping on children, parents should consciously get out of the habit of stereotyping. They should also motivate their children to not let images created by society influence their personalities. Vaishnavi, a mother of two says, "When my children's rooms were being painted, my daughter chose pink while my son chose blue, even though their favourite colours were actually the reverse. They did it just because of the influence of the age-old belief that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. When we came to know about this, we advised them to choose what they liked rather than what they thought was the popular belief. We also train our son in taking up kitchen activities, while my daughter is encouraged to play football, which is her passion."

So, if parents have the will, they can guide their children in ways so that they grow up without being affected by the stereotypes prevalent in society.

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How Stereotyping Affects Children - Parentcircle

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"Girls are weak-minded; boys are strong-willed." "Tamilians aren't united at all. Look at the Malayalis! They always stick together, wherever they are." "Marwari boys need not study at all. They have their fathers' businesses to take up." Don't we come across such statements that stereotype people quite often?

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Unlike wounds resulting from physical or sexual abuse, where the invasive energy is blatant, the wounding energy of emotional incest is stealthy and very difficult to track. The intrusive psychic energy of the perpetrator is packaged in care and attention. It can be quite challenging to break into this care package and reveal the expectations and needs of affiliation, control, love and understanding on behalf of the perpetrator. Being robbed of one's childhood hardly goes noticed as the child feels so good about being chosen in a special way by an adult. The child is invited to act as if they are capable of being in an adult relationship.

Emotional incest often takes place with either a single parent or a parent whose spouse is not emotionally available. It can also happen with any trusted authority figure, e.g., clergy, coach, teacher, club leader or relative. There are a number of ways that emotional incest impacts development.

*An attachment to feeling special. The child typically feels special because of the attention received and the unusual level of involvement offered by the adult. However, the price for feeling special is high:

1) If emotional incest occurs with a parent, then the child often is the target of the other parent's resentment for having taken his or her place.

2) Similar resentment and jealousy can be experienced by siblings or friends who have some awareness of what's happening.

3) The victim can live with fear of being rejected by those impacted by the incestuous relationship.

4) The victim can exercise an inordinate amount of time and energy striving to be special, which leads to an attachment to perfectionism.

* Feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Children often feel guilty and inadequate as they are unable to meet the emotional needs of an adult. The child's relational limitations may result in the parent expressing dissatisfaction. "Children who grow up with an invasive parent can have an unnaturally low estimation of their abilities, especially if the parent was critical or abusive." ( The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love) These feelings easily flow into adulthood, with a gnawing sense of not getting life right.

* Perfectionism. Perfectionism is a compensation for not feeling good enough, which is a set up for not being able to settle into a comfortable feeling being okay.

* Confusion about limits. Rather than be honest about not being able to rightfully participate in an adult relationship, children will typically pretend they can handle it rather than risk losing the attention of the adult. As adults, victims are not clear about what they can do and what they cannot do. Emotionally incested children also run the risk of continuing to pretend they possess certain abilities, which they actually don't.

* Sacrificial Lamb. One outcome of not knowing how to identify and accept limits is feeling both intolerant and shameful about feeling helpless. In lieu of feeling powerless in their relationships, victims run the risk of taking action that places them in legal, physical or emotional jeopardy.

* Weak Boundaries. The appropriate boundaries in an adult-child relationship are about the adult providing and the child receiving. The role of strong boundaries is to support the child's capacity for self-care. An emotionally incestuous relationship has the child holding too much responsibility for the adult. Boundary confusion easily follows the child into adulthood with uncertainty about who is a peer, who is not and what kind of behavior distinguishes the two different relationships.

* Attracted to Enmeshment. Because of the weak boundaries, adults who were victims of emotional incest tend to generate enmeshed relationships rather than emotionally intimate ones. In the latter relationships, each person's autonomy is valued. Where as in an enmeshed relationship, one person's autonomy is compromised, favoring the needs and values of the other. A man who is addressing early enmeshment with his mother reports: "I would have done anything for my Mom when I saw how much she suffered after my Dad left. I was seven at the time and ever since then, I feel a deep sense of guilt if I attempt to prioritize my needs when I'm in a relationship with a woman. It is a struggle I'm determined to overcome."

* Confusion About Power. Typically, the adult and child are not peers in an Emotionally Incestuous relationship with the adult possessing more knowledge and experience. This leads children to be confused about mutuality, holding the belief that someone in a relationship should be holding power and dominate. Typically, the survivor of emotional incest runs the likelihood of either dominating or being dominated.
Healing the Quiet Wound
Because so much was given and so much was taken, it takes patience and receiving viable support in order to navigate our way around the terrain of this wound. Let's look at some ways to focus the healing:

* Wound Talk. The starting place is to begin talking about what happened, especially the implications of being asked to leave childhood prematurely. During what years was I in an emotionally incestuous relationship? Who was the adult in this relationship? How did it feel to be in such a relationship? What was given to me? What was taken from me? How do I feel now about my early experience? How do I feel toward the perpetrator?

* No Bad People. Those who were victims of emotional incest typically perpetrate emotional incest. Perpetrators act out of ignorance of what was done to them and what they are passing on to others. Perpetrators have no intent to harm children. If you were a victim presently passing on the wounding, you are not a bad person. However, you are responsible to acquire your own healing and interrupt any emotional violation you may presently be enacting.

* Learning to let go of an attachment to being special. When we're attached to being special it leaves us feverishly striving to achieve it or condemned to not feeling good enough. A key is to replace feeling special by honoring our uniqueness. Our uniqueness is expressed by how we love, learn, and grieve, as well as the nature of our strengths and how we refine them.

* Getting conscious about power. Because the perpetrator abused power, healing power calls for raising consciousness about how we exercise power. Am I employing power in a way that allows me to meet my own needs as well as supporting the needs of others? Am I able to champion the uniqueness of others without recruiting them to be like me? Am I easily seduced into sacrificing myself in order to support the fulfillment of others?

* Healing Trust. Perpetrators gained certain leverage over children because children trusted them. This calls for the healing of the early violation of trust. The first step is to acknowledge that trust must be earned and not given indiscriminately. Earned trust happens and is sustained by a vigilance regarding what happens to us as we relate with someone. Some questions that are helpful include: Am I the object of sarcasm or ridicule? Am I remembered? Do I feel seen and understood? Is my relationship to this person a place to take refuge in the face of life's challenges? Healing self-trust is even more essential. We can ask: Do I allow myself to feel and respond to instinctual cues that I am in potential or actual danger? (I recommend Somatic Experience as a therapeutic model for reconnecting to instinctual cues.) Do I treat myself kindly, knowing and responding appropriately when I am tired, hungry, lost or feeling vulnerable?

* Employing Effective Boundaries. Good boundaries support our safety, what we desire and hold important. Effective boundaries happen as we say "Yes" and "No" authentically and act in accordance with each declaration. It is advantageous to be able to distinguish mutual relationships from non-mutual ones. Mutual ones can be characterized as peer ship, such as friends and lovers. Non-mutual relationships usually involve authority figures who are offering a service or some level of support, e.g., parents, adult relatives, teachers, clergy, physicians, psychotherapists, coaches, etc. The boundaries in non-mutual relationships are meant to define the relationship mostly about the service or support offered.

We have been exploring an extremely mercurial kind of wounding, so much is given and so much is taken. How ironic to speak of a wound as "feeling so good." It may be that children often can't wait to become adults, making the perpetrator's invitation to leave childhood so attractive, leaving the injury veiled. However, there is a heavy price to pay for children to psychologically be somewhere they don't belong. I strongly encourage survivors of emotional incest not to simply see their wounding as unfortunate; but rather, as it is with all wounding, an opportunity to open to deeper regions of the soul. (For further reading see Temptation In The House Of The Lord, by Paul Dunion)
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

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Unlike wounds resulting from physical or sexual abuse, where the invasive energy is blatant, the wounding energy of emotional incest is stealthy and very difficult to track. The intrusive psychic energy of the perpetrator is packaged in care and attention.

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All parents want the best for their children. They want their young ones to turn out to be upstanding, knowledgeable adults who contribute to society.

Some parents, believing that their adult children are too inexperienced to make decisions, pull all stops to manage their lives.

They inadvertently become "monster parents". Many of them interfere with their children's activities and relationships. Others become pushy and to an extent, narcissistic; they enforce unreasonable expectations on their kids.

If you have parents who step beyond their boundaries, you will need to push them back in gentle, inoffensive ways. Before you do, you will need to decide whether your parent is over controlling or simply being concerned.

Why parents become control freaks

Having controlling parents can wreck your nerves. You will find this especially true as an adult. Before you cut the apron strings, be aware of what causes their tendency to want to run your life. Telling them off may result in a big fight.

Rather than engaging in a conflict, take some time to analyze their behavior. It will allow you to approach them with empathy, and make them less defensive.

A difficult childhood is often the reason for a person's erratic ways. Controlling parents may have manipulative parents or siblings themselves; they grew up believing that controlling others is a given behavior.

Parents with manipulative tendencies may have experienced hurt in the past. They may hold their children on tight leashes because of their insecurities. Having been in submissive positions before, managing their children is a way for them to be dominant.

Of course, some parents are narcissists. They become manipulative to defend their egos. Such parents feel that others should attune to their expectations, and refuse to consider any alternatives. To them, compromise is a weakness.

16 Signs that You Have a Controlling Parent

You may want to raise the subject of over-control with your parents but do not want to offend them. You may also be unsure if they are just concerned. How do you know if they are overly controlling, or just protective?

1. Being perfectionists

Parents who are control freaks tend to want "everything in its proper place." They create rigid structures for you and often issue ultimatums if you do not follow instructions to their specifications.

2. Always knowing what is best.

And then, your pushy parents always assume that they know what is best for you. They refuse to consider alternative courses of action and do not give you the freedom to make decisions.

3. Unreasonable Expectations.

Being perfectionists, your controlling parents may set unrealistic goals for you. Their demands, such as getting perfect scores, are unreasonable and may cause you to feel that you are incapable of doing anything.

To make sure that you do things their way, they often offer constructive criticism. You may lack initiative, as you are too used to them making decisions for you.

4. Pushy parents want a say in their children's relationships.

Your controlling parents may want a say in your relationships. They are always around when you invite your friends home and often eavesdrop on your conversations.

5. Controlling parents instill self-doubt.

As a means of getting you to do things their way, your manipulative parents may nitpick on everything you do. They may resort to fear-mongering or over-dramatizing the consequences of not following their actions.

6. Manipulative parents monopolize their child's affection.

Your pushy parents may be selfish about your love. In an attempt to have you for themselves, they try to cut you off from your friends. They may even resort to force to get you to obey them. As time goes on, they may withdraw monetary support.

7. Manipulative parents communicate with people on their kid's behalf.

Your pushy parents are probably micromanagers. They will do tasks on your behalf, fearing that you will make mistakes. Their actions make you feel as though you cannot be responsible for yourself.

8. Controlling parents make decisions without input from their children.

If your parents are control freaks, they will make decisions without consulting you. It tells others that you are incapable of making them on your own.

9. Controlling parents always contact their children.

Your parents will bombard your phone with calls if they are pushy. They will want to know about your circle of friends and every detail about your workplace. They will interfere if you mix with the "wrong people." Your parents may even cross the line and inquire about your sexual relationships.

10. These parents fight their children's battles.

You may find your controlling parents always fighting your battles for you. Fearing that you will get hurt, they may not allow you to solve your problems. They are unaware that they cripple your ability to socialize by getting too involved in your activities.

11. Controlling parents burden their children with unnecessary responsibilities.

In an attempt to monopolize your time, your parents may overload you with responsibilities. The weight may make you feel as though you cannot have a life of your own.

12. Pushy parents are always around.

Pushy parents fail to understand the concept of "three is a crowd." They always need to be around and fail to notice when their presence is not wanted.

13. Pushy parents are too involved in their children's activities.

They become too involved in your social life and often give the details to their friends. They fail to understand that they need to let you make mistakes to grow.

14. Controlling parents are passive-aggressive.

Pushy parents are often passive-aggressive. They will withhold affection or communication until you fall in their line. Their "silent judgment" is a form of control.

15. Pushy parents are impatient.

Controlling parents are anxious parents. They do not spare the time to listen to your explanations for your actions. To them, your methods are a waste of time; their ways are always the best.

Dealing with a controlling parent

Your parents may display a few, or worse, all the above signs. Do not be discouraged; tapping on a few coping mechanisms will make it easier to adjust to their controlling behavior.

First, empower yourself. You may have parents who try to keep you in an Alcatraz-like, emotional prison, but you are responsible for your actions. Develop a plan to set boundaries and gain control of your life.

Make the decision to stand up to them, and not get overly angry. Do not obsess over pleasing them; remember that you have your life to live.

You cannot change your parents; that is a fact you must accept. However, you can choose to distance yourself from them. Stand your ground, and do not get too defensive if they accuse you of neglecting them. You can say things like:

"I am sorry that you are angry, I can understand why."

A little empathy will make them more malleable. Cut off financial ties, and refrain from asking for favors.

Remember that they are your parents, even if you disagree with their pushy ways. Resolve the past and let go of any misgivings for your sake, not theirs. Confront them with respect, and let them know how you feel.

Set your boundaries and let them know, again respectfully, if they have crossed lines. Consider seeing a therapist if they still try too hard to manage your life.

You can steer the relationship with your over-controlling parents if you set limits with a little tact.
References:

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15 Signs That You Have Controlling Parents and How to Deal with Them

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Some parents, believing that their adult children are too inexperienced to make decisions, pull all stops to manage their lives. They inadvertently become "monster parents". Many of them interfere with their children's activities and relationships. Others become pushy and to an extent, narcissistic; they enforce unreasonable expectations on their kids.

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From Victim to Survivor: Find Your X…but First, Find Your (Wh)Y? | Lauren Book | TEDxOxford

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The childhood trauma Lauren Book suffered robbed her of her childhood, but forced her to learn how to find her voice and rebuild her life with purpose...through her TED Talk, she challenges viewers to do what she's been challenged to do through her journey from victim of physical, sexual and emotional abuse to struggling survivor and now thriver and internationally recognized advocate for change.

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John Bradshaw, Home Coming- Problem of the wonderful inner child 1

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John Bradshaw, Home Coming- Problem of the wonderful inner child 1

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John Bradshaw, Home Coming- Problem of the wonderful inner child 1

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Uploaded by ProfessorMystic on 2010-12-26.

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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse

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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
power: surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse: a collection of essays on malignant narcissism and recovery from emotional abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
self-help / personal growth / self-esteem

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
self-help / personal growth / self-esteem

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POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse - Kindle edition by Shahida Arabi, Thought Catalog. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets.

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Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation (Relational Perspectives Book Series)

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Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation (Relational Perspectives Book Series)

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Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissist

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Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissist

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women who love psychopaths: inside the relationships of inevitable harm with psychopaths

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
the institute for relational harm reduction

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psychology / psychopathology / personality disorders

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
psychology / psychopathology / personality disorders

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Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists

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I wrote this book to help the psychopath's victims understand their unique and unprecedented at-risk status-past, present, and future. I hope the book will teach them how to safeguard themselves from other predators and prevent the devastation psychopathy causes. Over 20 years of prov...

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Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life

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Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
healing from trauma: a survivor's guide to understanding your symptoms and reclaiming your life

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
While there are many different approaches to healing trauma, few offer a wide range of perspectives and options. With innovative insight into trauma-related difficulties, Jasmin Lee Cori helps you: Understand trauma and its devastating impacts Identify symptoms of trauma (dissociation, numbing, e...

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Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

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Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

# data[].attributes.headline
The Wolf in a Suit: The 7 Secrets Inside Relationship Abuse

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The Wolf in a Suit: The 7 Secrets Inside Relationship Abuse

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the wolf in a suit: the 7 secrets inside relationship abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / general

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / general

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The Wolf in a Suit: The 7 Secrets Inside Relationship Abuse

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The Wolf in a Suit is not just the true and uncensored story of a young Australian mother and her children living in violence and torment. This book also contains solutions and understandings about how women get caught, why women stay, what is required for true healing and how as an individual, p...

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Ah the strong woman. She turns heads wherever she walks and doesn't take shit from no one.

You've met her, I've met and we all know how powerful of a character she can be.

She's more than happy to fly solo but if you are going to date her, then you need to be aware: Lie or be selfish and she'll cut you off immediately.

She knows what she deserves and she won't settle for less.

Here are 7 things a strong woman simply won't tolerate:

1) Disrespect

A strong woman values respect above anything else. She sees the value in everyone and always listens to what people have to say. She knows that everyone has something valuable to offer.

So, when you disrespect someone else's opinion, let alone her own, she simply won't have it. It's a sure fire sign that you're a complete jerk.

In fact, whenever a strong woman goes on first dates, she pays close attention to how the man treats the waiter. If he's kind and respectful, she might just see him again. If not, she's gone to the "toilet" and she won't come back.

2) Dominating the relationship

Equality is a value that she doesn't take lightly. It's cornerstone to her philosophy on life and how she treats other people.

If you expect her to whim at your every demand, you need to get the hell out.

A strong woman isn't going to clean all your dishes and make all your food unless you do the same for her. She knows her worth and guess what? Your worth isn't more than hers.

3) Breaking her boundaries

She's strongly independent and doesn't break to manipulation and lies.

If she says "no", you'd better believe it. Because if you keep trying to get what you want, you're simply hindering her independence and freedom which is a gauranteed trigger to put an end to the relationship.

Woman have been repressed in the relationship for too long and she's taking the power back. Don't cross her boundaries.

4) Not listening to what she has to say

A strong woman is confident in her own intelligence and she knows she has valuable words of wisdom to share.

But if you're "too smart" to listen, she won't have it and you're shooting yourself in the foot.

She's always learning and listening as much as she can. So if you can't do the same, you simply don't deserve to be her in presence.

5) Not supporting her ambitions

A strong woman has dreams and goals that she wants to achieve. It's what keeps her motivated throughout the day.

But if you're constantly putting her down and not believing in her ability to achieve, you're just a toxic "boy" to her.

She wants someone who will grow and believe in the future just as much as she does. It's the only way the relationship will thrive.

6) You can't express yourself

Sure, anybody can love a strong woman. But if you're not expressing that love through words and actions, then you need to take a good hard look at yourself.

A strong woman might have her own life on lock, but doesn't mean she doesn't want compliments and kind actions thrown towards her.

She loves gentleman and people that are just plain generous. If you're going to be constipated in your expression, then you need to move on and find someone else.

7) You lie, even if it's over something small

Honesty is a core foundation of a strong woman's life. She thrives on it. She speaks her emotions, she acts on her values and she won't hesitate to give you her real opinion.

But if you're not going to abide, she'll sniff your shit from a mile away and you won't hear from her again.

If you've been out with the boys for a few exta drinks, tell her. There's nothing more attractive to a strong woman than a man who can just tell it how it is.

But if you haven't got the nuts to speak your truth and act on your values, then move away. She hasn't got time for boys.

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7 things a strong woman will never tolerate in a relationship

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Ah the strong woman. She turns heads wherever she walks and doesn't take shit from no one. You've met her, I've met and we all know how powerful of a character she can be. She's more than happy to fly solo but if you are going to date her, then you need to be aware: ...

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Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother

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Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother

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will i ever be good enough?: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / parenting / motherhood

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / parenting / motherhood

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / parenting / motherhood

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

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The first book specifically for daughters suffering from the emotional abuse of selfish, self-involved mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? provides the expert assistance you need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim your life for yourself. Drawing on over two decades of exp...

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

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Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives

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Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives

# data[].attributes.headline
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

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Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

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it's my life now: starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships : abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships/abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships : abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships/abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition

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Those who have never experienced an abusive or violent relationship often believe that upon finding a way out, victims' difficulties are solved: their life is good, they are safe, and recovery will be swift. However, survivors know that leaving is not the end of the nightmare -- it is the beginni...

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psychopath free (expanded edition): recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
coping with illness & specific conditions

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships/abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
psychology / psychopathology / personality disorders

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships/abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
psychology / psychopathology / personality disorders

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / abuse / domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships/abuse - domestic partner abuse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
psychology / psychopathology / personality disorders

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
coping with illness & specific conditions

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths,and Other Toxic People

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Have you ever been in a relationship with a psychopath? Chances are, even if you did, you would never know it. Psychopaths are cunning charmers and master manipulators, to the point where you start to accept the most extreme behaviors as normal... Even if it hurts you. A...