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When women become mums, they go through a lot of obvious biological changes. But did you realise that men's bodies change when they become dads too?
"The only thing I've noticed physically is putting a load of weight on, I'm getting a bit of a dad bod!" says Tom, dad to 6 month-old Otis.

But no, we don't just mean putting on a few extra pounds. "Mum and dad are as biologically primed to parent as each other", says Dr Anna Machin, author of The Life of Dad: The Making of the Modern Father. "That's the big new understanding about parenthood - in the past we thought only women underwent bodily changes, mainly as a product of pregnancy and childbirth , but actually men go through similar things too".

Ok, so men don't carry babies for 9 months, give birth or produce milk. But they do go through some changes that aren't obvious to the naked eye. "There are two major changes that happen, generally the first time you become a dad: hormonal changes and brain changes", explains Dr Anna.

Mum and dad are as biologically primed to parent as each other.

The main hormonal change is a drop in testosterone, the male sex hormone. "Testosterone is great when you're in the mating/dating game because it makes you more competitive, more motivated to look for a mate", says Anna.

But when you become a dad, this drop is one way your body prepares you for your new role.

"Men with lower testosterone are much more sensitive towards their children and empathetic. It makes them motivated to care for their child. If you were to play baby cries to a group of men, those with really high testosterone would probably find it really irritating whereas men with low testosterone would become anxious".

This rings true for Mark, who recently became a dad for the first time. "I've been around my baby nephew crying and I'd be like 'can someone sort this out?'. The minute it's your baby, you know when a cry is something you can sort out yourself".

Drops in testosterone also make dad more patient too, which is helpful with a baby or toddler. "I've not felt frustrated in any way. I was in the car the other day and someone was taking ages to get out of a spot, but I was like, 'whatever'. Things like that just aren't a big deal any more", says Mark.

A drop in testosterone comes with a major pay-off for dads' relationships with their children too. "High testosterone levels block the positive effects of oxytocin and dopamine", says Anna - two of the major chemicals involved in bonding with your baby. They're produced when you cuddle and interact and give you that warm, fuzzy feeling. "Because your testosterone is low when you're a new dad, the impact of oxytocin and dopamine is much greater, so you will enjoy chatting and playing much more".

Tom has been experiencing this rush regularly, "when he's laughing, there's no better feeling, really".

It's not all good news though, Anna warns. "Testosterone is protective against low mood. So a drop, when coupled with high risk factors like work-life balance, a partner going through postnatal depression (PND) or issues with bonding can increase the likelihood of male postnatal depression".

Knowing more about your hormones and their effects could help you be more aware of your mental wellbeing, says Anna. "As a woman, you can think: 'I know this is probably my hormones speaking, I know there's a hormonal element to feeling this crap', which can sometimes help. For men, knowing how hormonal changes could also leave you vulnerable to something like PND, will hopefully nudge you to keep an eye on your own mental health".

Children also experience the same rush of dopamine and oxytocin as dads through cuddling and playing. So from early on, dads can start building bonds through touch, hugs, skin-to-skin contact and massage . However, the biggest rushes of oxytocin come as baby grows and the relationship with dad becomes even more interactive.

"If a dad asks me 'what's the one thing I can do to bond with my child?', I'll say 'play with them''', Anna tells us. "What's fascinating is there's been this coevolution between dads and babies. They both get their biggest peak of oxytocin when they play together".

Now that he and Otis are able to play together regularly, Tom's mum has spotted something. "She reckons he's got a different laugh for me than he has for his mum. When I play with him, I move him around and I'm a bit more physical. And I do the same things every time, the things that I know will work to make him laugh".

This sort of rough and tumble play is common with dads and something that Anna says is crucial to children's development. "Not only does it give your child a massive hit of oxytocin but it teaches them how to deal with risks and challenges, how to fail and pick themselves up, dust themselves off and carry on. And children who have engaged in this sort of play tend to be more physically and emotionally resilient and have better mental health as they get older".

Anna is keen to stress that dads' role as a playmate is therefore key. "In the past, being termed 'the fun parent' might have seemed like a put-down for dads, but play is actually really important for your child's development".

If a dad asks me 'what's the one thing I can do to bond with my child?', I'll say 'play with them'.

As well as changes in hormone levels, when you become a dad, your brain physically changes too.

"We see changes in those areas which we need to be able to parent well", says Anna. "So, for example, in the outer brain we see increases in areas needed for skills such as planning, focussing without distraction and problem solving. In the unconscious brain, we see activity in areas related to nurturing and risk detection, which are needed to know your baby is safe".

The latter is something that Tom has definitely experienced first-hand. "You're just worrying all the time. Definitely more than before. If I'm walking down the road, I'll look behind me when cars are coming to see if they're randomly going to veer off the road towards me whenever I've got the baby!".

As well as being more risk-aware, dads often become more sensitive, particularly when it comes to children. "You become much more empathetic to others' pain", says Anna. "Many dads I speak to will say 'I can't watch news reports about children any more, I just become this heap of tears and blubber'". Tom's been feeling this too, particularly when watching the BBC's Life and Birth series . "It brings me to tears. It wouldn't have affected me before, but now it really does".

We see increases in areas needed for skills such as planning, focussing without distraction and problem solving.

Anna is hopeful that by being clued up on their biology, men will gain confidence in their instincts as a dad.

"What I tend to hear a lot from men before they become parents is that mum is the gold standard of parenting. She instinctively knows what to do because she's gone through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, whereas men have to learn. That's not true. Women and men are just as instinctive as parents as each other, because they're both biologically primed to do it".

She has some words of advice for dads: "Your instincts are there, you just have to be confident that they're there. Try to see yourself as the equal co-parent rather than the assistant parent who is there to learn on the job".

For plenty of play ideas, visit our Activities section

If you're concerned about low mood, sadness or depression, check out the NHS guide here .

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The science of fatherhood: How your body and brain change when you become a dad

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When women become mums, they go through a lot of obvious biological changes. But did you realise that men's bodies change when they become dads too? "The only thing I've noticed physically is putting a load of weight on, I'm getting a bit of a dad bod!"

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By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

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I'm often contacted by parents who are worried how their baby will settle when the mother is breastfeeding and can't be around at sleep time (when the baby usually only settles to sleep on the breast). The following 5 tips can help:

1. Try to prepare in advance. Every time mum feeds to sleep play the same piece of white noise or alpha music (see mine HERE) and snuggle a lovey up to your baby. Also try a couple of drops of baby safe diluted aromatherapy oil on mum's neck or collar for over 3mth olds. Hopefully your baby will link this music, scent & comfort object with mum and when they are used by dad/other carer the baby will be comforted by the sensory cues.

2. Don't fixate on giving a bottle to sleep. Just because baby usually breastfeeds to sleep it doesn't mean they actually need the milk itself to sleep. Often it is about connection. Giving a bottle before the bedtime or naptime routine and *not* expecting the baby to go to sleep with the feed takes the pressure off. Also, many babies will do better with open top 'sippy' style cups that they can lap milk from, than a bottle.

3. Have a nap/bedtime routine. Again, one that is practiced lots before the separation. Dad/carer should try to copy the routine as much as possible, doing the same things in the same order - e.g: bath, then massage, then read a certain story book etc..

4. Don't be afraid to do your own thing. Contradicting myself on point 3! - don't be worried if this routine doesn't work when mum is not around. Instead, get creative and find something that works for you. It could be a car ride, a walk outside with the baby, dancing to music with a strong beat, cuddles skin to skin etc. Often dads/other carers find magic ways to get babies to sleep that mums can never copy!

5. Stay calm and nurturing through any tears and reset expectations. It's unlikely naptime or bedtime will be as calm and easy as it is for mum and that's OK. Expect tears. That doesn't mean dad/carer is doing anything wrong, it just means that they're not mum. It won't always be like this. Until things change, it's all about staying calm, deep breaths and holding and comforting the baby through their tears and upset. It is much better for your baby to cry while being held by a loving caregiver, than crying alone in a crib etc.
The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book - out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your baby, toddler, or pre-schooler's sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram Or watch my videos on YouTube You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

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5 Ways Dads and Other Carers Can Settle a Breastfed Baby

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I'm often contacted by parents who are worried how their baby will settle when the mother is breastfeeding and can't be around at sleep time (when the baby usually only settles to sleep on the breast). The following 5 tips can help:

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Fascinating article about the hormonal changes in new fathers:

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Fascinating article about the hormonal changes in new fathers:

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How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers (Published 2020)

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Excellent TED talk on breastfeeding by an Indonesian dad

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Excellent TED talk on breastfeeding by an Indonesian dad

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No formulaic stand on breastfeeding: Ernest Prakasa at TEDxUbud

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School of Health & Social Care, Swansea University

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How you can Help Support a Breastfeeding Mum...

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Partners don't need a bottle to bond with their baby. 🤱

#australianbreastfeedingproject

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Some excellent articles for fathers

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You searched for dad | The Art of Manliness

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10 Things Your Father Should Have Taught You About Style

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Make changing time chatting time! When you do you are making a difference for your baby that will last a lifetime.

This short video is well worth a watch!

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Watch our video to find out tips on getting ready for your new baby, how to make the most of your time together and what to do if you're finding it hard adjusting to being a dad. Read more about life as a dad in the early days here.

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Being a new dad: tips for the early days - NCT Matters

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Watch our video to find out tips on getting ready for your new baby, how to make the most of your time together and what to do if you're finding it hard adjusting to being a dad. Read more about life as a dad in the early days here.

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Islington NCT member Katie Toon, mum to Dylan and Rosie, says: "My kids much prefer their dad, Russell, giving them a bath to me, as he stirs up the bubbles and they all throw them in the air to make bubble snow! Bathtimes are more boring when I'm around."

You might find it helps to take advantage of Shared Parental Leave, where you and your partner can split time off work. Many dads enjoy taking some time off in the early weeks, and then some more later, especially when they feel they can do more with their baby and other offers of help have died down.

Remember, mums don't always have all the answers - this is all new to them too. Instead of leaving decisions for your partner to make, you can decide what's best for your baby too. Your partner will be relieved to have some of the pressure taken off her, and it'll help your confidence to know what you think is important, too.

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Islington NCT member Katie Toon, mum to Dylan and Rosie, says: "My kids much prefer their dad, Russell, giving them a bath to me, as he stirs up the bubbles and they all throw them in the air to make bubble snow! Bathtimes are more boring when I'm around."

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How can dads and partners support breastfeeding?

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How can dads and partners support breastfeeding?

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When it comes to breastfeeding, you might wonder what you can do to support your partner and baby. The truth is you can make a huge difference.

Did you know that a mum is more likely to choose to breastfeed if she's sure her partner is positive about it? And if she does decide to breastfeed, she's much more likely to have a good experience and manage any difficulties if her partner supports her decision (Tohotoa, 2009; Rempel, 2011). A partner's emotional support is so important for helping mums to breastfeed for longer too (Tohatoa et al, 2009; Su, 2016).

Why is breastfeeding important?

If your partner is breastfeeding your baby - or planning to - that's fantastic because breastmilk has so many benefits for babies. For instance, breastmilk can help to reduce the risk of your baby getting infections and diseases (NHS, 2017). It also contains hormones that help your baby's development (Victora et al, 2016).

Overall, breastfeeding will have a positive impact on your baby's health. What's more, it can influence their health as an adult too (Victora et al, 2016).

Is breastfeeding hard or will my partner just know what to do?

Many parents see breastfeeding as a natural process but it can take time for mum and baby to learn this new skill together. It might take around six weeks to get the hang of it fully (NHS, 2016).

The good news is that with the right support, your partner can overcome any challenges and continue breastfeeding if she wants to. If you think your partner needs more information, support or just someone to talk to, why not give one of our trained breastfeeding counsellors a call on our support line: 0300 330 0700. The line is open every day from 8am to midnight, including bank holidays.

You might find it helpful to read up about breastfeeding and attend a breastfeeding session before your baby is born. This can help you know what to expect and perhaps give you a little more confidence. It can also help you both talk about feeding your baby and raise any questions or worries you might have.

What do I need to know about breastfeeding?

You might find it helpful to know how breastfeeding works and what normal behaviour is for breastfed babies. Here are a few quick and handy facts:

Babies are happier if they're fed as soon as they show signs of being hungry.

Babies usually feed frequently (anything from eight to 12 times or more in 24 hours) in the early weeks, especially during the evenings.

Some babies are slow feeders at first, but they get quicker as they get older.

The more a baby feeds, the more milk their mum makes because it's the removal of milk that drives the production of it.

The Department of Health recommends exclusive breastfeeding for at least your baby's first six months. Breastfeeding is also beneficial for toddlers because it gives them a health boost every time they feed. So your partner can breastfeed your baby for as long as they both want to.

Nipple soreness or pain during feeding might be a sign that a baby needs some adjustment to their attachment at the breast. If there is soreness or pain when breastfeeding, talking to a healthcare professional or breastfeeding counsellor can help.

Women enjoy feeding more when they are comfortable and relaxed.

(Department of Health, 2011; La Leche League, 2016; NHS, 2016)

What can I do to help support my partner with breastfeeding?

There are lots of things you can do to support and encourage breastfeeding.

Here are 10 tips:

1. Boost your partner's confidence by encouraging her and being positive about her progress. As with learning any new skill, reassurance and praise are a massive help.

2. Listen and talk honestly about how you each feel about finding your way with your new baby.

3. Be involved with your baby in other ways so that the caring is shared (see below).

4. Help to reduce the household chores so your partner can feed your baby for as long and as often as they need.

5. Try to help your partner to relax by giving them a massage.

6. Women don't need to eat anything special while breastfeeding, but it's a good idea to encourage your partner to eat and drink regularly.

7. Help her get specialist support if she's struggling with breastfeeding. As mentioned above, you can both talk to one of our breastfeeding counsellors on 0300 330 0700.

8. Help out by bottle feeding your baby expressed milk once your partner and baby have got the hang of breastfeeding (see below).

9. Accept your partner's decision on when to stop breastfeeding.

10. Try to remember that with your support, breastfeeding can quickly become just another part of your family life.

(Rempel et al, 2010)

What practical support can I give to my baby if my partner is breastfeeding?

You might expect to feel like a bit of a spare part with feeding but it's good to remember that each parent plays a different and vital role. The decision on how you feed your baby is certainly a joint one (deMontigny et al, 2018). It might take a while to get used to the different parts you play though.

Whatever you decide to do, you might actually find feeding is less important to you than you expected anyway. Especially if you're hands-on with your baby in different and rewarding ways.

Tips for being a hands-on partner with your baby

Changing nappies and generally caring for your baby - it's great if you can spend time with your baby and interact (see below) with them while you're looking after them.

Bathing your baby - you could bath your baby or even have a bath with your baby. You'll both enjoy the bonding benefits of skin-to-skin contact and one-to-one time together (NHS, 2018).

Talking and playing - babies enjoy hearing gentle sounds. They even recognise the muffled tones of people talking from their time in the womb and they'll be aware of familiar voices like yours (Lee and Kisilevsky, 2013). So a chat with your baby might be a little one-sided but rest assured, they know it's you. Socially interacting with your baby through their senses helps to stimulate their brain development; for example, you could pull some different expressions (Boucenna et al, 2010).

Baby carrying - this means taking your baby out and about in a sling. It can be a rewarding and comforting experience for both you and your baby (Miller, 2019).

For more ideas on being a hands-on parent, see our article about bonding with and getting to know your baby.

How can I share feeding our baby?

If you're keen to feed your baby, you could give them expressed breastmilk from a spoon, syringe, cup or a bottle. But only introduce your baby to a bottle once breastfeeding is going well. For more on expressing, see our 10 bottle feeding tips for breastfed babies article.

And once your baby's moved on to solid food, there are so many ways you can get involved with that...chopping, mashing, cleaning up all the food that ends up on the floor...

I want to support breastfeeding but will it affect our sex life?

Possibly, but tiredness - and your partner's birth experience and recovery - is more likely to affect their sex drive rather than breastfeeding (Rowland et al, 2005). See our article about breastfeeding and sex for more details.

What if I feel uncomfortable about my partner breastfeeding in public?

If you're feeling uncomfortable or nervous about your partner breastfeeding in public, have a chat with her so you can talk it through. Maybe you're worried about your partner showing her breasts in public? Yet in reality, very little breast actually shows when a baby is feeding. You might have even seen a mum breastfeeding before without realising it.

It might also help to talk to other families where the mum is breastfeeding and find out about both partners' experiences of it. The chances are, you'll change your mind as you get used to seeing breastfeeding.

It's good to know that breastfeeding in public is protected by the law under the Equality Act 2010. That means providers of any services or facilities open for the public are not allowed to discriminate against women who are breastfeeding (Maternity Action, 2019).

Many places now welcome breastfeeding and have special facilities for mums if they'd prefer to feed in private.

Some mums might feel uncertain themselves about feeding in public at first and may appreciate the reassurance of having their partner with them.

At the end of the day...

Don't underestimate the huge difference you can make if your partner is breastfeeding. With you both on board, breastfeeding can quickly become an everyday part of your lives (Rempel, 2011).
This page was last reviewed in October 2017.
Further information

NCT supports all parents, however they feed their baby. If you have questions, concerns or need support, you can speak to a breastfeeding counsellor by calling our helpline on 0300 330 0700, whether you are exclusively breastfeeding or using formula milk. Breastfeeding counsellors have had extensive training, will listen without judging or criticising and will offer relevant information and suggestions. You can also find more useful articles here.

You might find attending one of our Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

Visit our breastfeeding support contacts page.

NHS Choices breastfeeding information.

National Breastfeeding Line (government funded): 0300 100 021.

Health Talk has some interesting videos about different people's experiences of breastfeeding, click here to view them.

Boucenna S, Gaussier P, Andry P, Hafemeister L. (2010) Imitation as a communication tool for online facial expression learning and recognition. 2010 IEEE/RSJ International Conference on Intelligent Robots and Systems, Taipei: 5323-5328. Available at: https://ieeexplore.ieee.org/abstract/document/5650357 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

deMontigny F, Gervais C, Larivière-Bastien D, St-Arneault K. (2018) The role of fathers during breastfeeding. Midwifery. 58:6-12. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29272696 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Department of Health. (2011) Breastfeeding. Available at: http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publichealth/Nutrition/Nutritionpregnancyearlyyears/DH_127625 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

La Leche League. (2016) Still nursing? Available at: https://www.laleche.org.uk/still-nursing/ (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Lee GY, Kisilevsky BS. (2013) Fetuses respond to father's voice but prefer mother's voice after birth. Dev Psychobiol. 2014 Jan;56(1):1-11. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23817883 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Miller R. (2019). Babywearing education in the neonatal intensive care unit. The International journal of childbirth education: the official publication of the International Childbirth Education Association. 34. 43-47. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/334151320_Babywearing_Education_in_the_Neonatal_Intensive_Care_Unit (Accessed 1st July 2018)

NHS. (2016) How to combine breast and bottle feeding. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/combining-breast-and-bottle/ (Accessed 1st July 2018)

NHS. (2017) Benefits of breastfeeding. Available at: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/Pages/benefits-breastfeeding.aspx (Accessed 1st July 2018)

NHS. (2018) Washing and bathing your baby. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/washing-your-baby/ (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Rempel LA, Rempel JK. (2010) The breastfeeding team: the role of involved fathers in the breastfeeding family. J Hum Lact. (2):115-21. Available at: http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0890334410390045 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Rowland M, Foxcroft L, Hopman WM, Patel R. (2005) Breastfeeding and sexuality immediately post partum. Can Fam Physician. 2005 Oct;51:1366-7. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1479788/ (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Su M, Ouyang YQ. (2016) Father's role in breastfeeding promotion: lessons from a quasi-experimental trial in China. Breastfeed Med. 11:144-9. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26836960 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Tohotoa J, Maycock B, Hauck Y, Howat P, Burns S, Binns C. (2009) Dads make a difference: an exploratory study of paternal support for breastfeeding in Perth, Western Australia. Int Breastfeed J. 4:15. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2788531/ (Accessed 1st July 2018)

Victora CG, Bahl R, Barros AJ, França GV, Horton S, Krasevec J, Murch S, Sankar MJ, Walker N, Rollins NC; Lancet Breastfeeding Series Group. (2016) Breastfeeding in the 21st century: epidemiology, mechanisms, and lifelong effect. Lancet. 387(10017):475-90. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26869575 (Accessed 1st July 2018)

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How can dads and partners support breastfeeding?

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When it comes to breastfeeding, you might wonder what you can do to support your partner and baby. The truth is you can make a huge difference. Did you know that a mum is more likely to choose to breastfeed if she's sure her partner is positive about it?

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NCT leaflet "Fathers and breastfeeding":

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NCT leaflet "Fathers and breastfeeding":

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Although not everyone agrees with swaddling babies, many cultures have used this practice throughout history, as it is thought that the feeling of being 'contained' or held within the blanket can help babies to feel settled or less fretful and can also help them to sleep.

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I'd urge you to read this article on parental expectations: 

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I'd urge you to read this article on parental expectations: 

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Impending parenthood provokes a different response in each of us, and often a combination of emotions: anxiety, sheer panic, confidence, uncertainty, excitement, happiness to name just a few. Our expectations of what's to come, and what is "best", are naturally based on what we experience around us. Those who already have babies such as family and friends, mixed with our own life experiences, memories of siblings or early life. For many, smaller families may mean fewer memories of siblings as young babies, and it can be rather like wandering into the dark unknown. Even those with lots of young baby practice, may not have lots of newborn 24/7 experience.

Instead as well as looking to those close to us, we often turn to books, magazines, websites and health professionals - who all seemingly have different opinions, but who nonetheless may plant new little seeds of expectation.

Before baby arrives it's common to believe your baby will be the happiest baby around; you will change their nappy when it's soiled, feed them when hungry, provide a nice bed for sleep times and so your baby wont need to cry, his needs will be met. You and perhaps a partner snuggled on the sofa, baby sleeping quietly in the basket next to you. Sure you know babies need feeding at night, but you will have him there right next to you so you can tend to him quickly, fill his little tum before slumber re-ensues.

And for some this may be true.

The reality? Many are not like this, especially in the early weeks - and even then it may require veering from "biological norms" (eg feeding method, sleep training, pacifiers etc) to achieve these expectations based on "society's current perception of the norm".

The one thing I hear over and over from new parents is they had no idea just how hard it would be, why didn't anyone spell out just how challenging being a new parent can be - so for all those parents this blog entry is for you.

Being a parent of a newborn baby can be really, really, insanity inducingly HARD.

No really, harder than that.

From the moment that precious new bundle is placed in your arms, life will never be the same again. It now, at least for a while, revolves around this dinky new being, who co-incidentally didn't read any books, nor pay heed at classes - so doesn't understand any related expectations.

You feed them, change their nappy, wind them, check they're not too hot or cold - yet still they may cry! The comfy bed you lovingly prepared might as well be covered in 9" nails, as they flail and wail every time you try and gently lower them in. Instead of snuggled on the sofa, you are taking it in turns to pace and jiggle the baby, before one of you tries to eat one handed so the other can have a powernap before shift change.

And the nights, who knew they could be so long? Even when you have everything "perfect" still baby squirms, grunts and wants to feed again; how can this be when it was only two hours since we just did all this?

"What do you want from me?" one mum confessed she had asked her baby at 3am after a rather rough night - desperate to sleep, yet desperately trying to stay awake whilst feeding. Whilst everyone had warned her not to bedshare, nobody had mentioned falling asleep upright or on a sofa was more risky, nor that baby naturally may want to feed quite frequently and having to sit up and do this every time was shattering, which made staying awake sitting up nearly impossible. Nobody had even asked if mum knew she could breastfeed laying down. I don't know what else she could want? What do I do?

One mum recently described the sleep deprivation as akin to mind altering drugs, that she dreamt (metaphorically) of a night of unbroken sleep, that she had never realised it would be so hard.

The only point I want to stress more than just how hard having a newborn can be (did I say that already?) is that it is nothing you as parents are doing wrong , let me repeat that a little louder: it is nothing you as parents are doing wrong.

It can be easy to feel that you are the only parent who has an unsettled baby. That given the books didn't describe this, it can't be common - because if you meet every need baby is settled, right? But that's simply not true. Some babies take a little longer than others to transition to life "Earth side" - even. If you've had a long birth, a long pushing stage, a speedy or difficult delivery - so did they. Some may be a little uncomfortable or windy, and don't forget nobody gave them the books. This piece talks about what a normal newborn expects, then compare that to what most parents in current society typically have in mind.. Whilst I don't feel long spells of crying should be just accepted as "colic", and it's always worth seeking help to explore why baby is crying if you're concerned - the point is that it isn't because you've held them too much/not put them in a routine early enough, not ignored their cries etc

The question also has to be - are your expectations realistic? If not adapting your expectations, can be a whole lot easier than trying to change those of a newborn - and given you have the cognitive ability to adapt, would also seem to be the fairer option. Expectations can play a part in how you perceive your baby's behaviour.

Example
expect their baby to wake and feed frequently day and night, understand their baby had no concept of time in the womb, and is used to receiving nourishment from an umbilical cord, rather than at spaced intervals via a breast or bottle. They know breastmilk changes composition so that at night it includes more "sleepy hormones" and helps to create circadian rhythms (sleep patterns).

"RESULTS: The tryptophan in the breast milk presented a circadian rhythm with acrophase at around 03:00. This affected the 6-sulfatoxymelatonin circadian rhythm with acrophase at 06:00 in the breast-fed infants, and also promoted nocturnal sleep. Assumed sleep, actual sleep, and sleep efficiency were significantly increased in the breast fed infants with respect the formula fed infants."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16380706

They heard that after a feed baby has a high level of something called CCK, and they know this tells him he's full; but also that the level drops again after another 10 or 20 minutes post feed, so he thinks he's hungry again - and that he may go through this loop several times, usually in the evening, commonly known as "cluster feeding," before dropping into a solid, longer sleep stretch.

They've been told how to check output and signs baby is transferring milk well - so they can identify normal from a "needs more help" situation - and they've been shown how to recognise baby's earliest cues of hunger, so there's time to work on getting baby to the breast and comfortable before she becomes really hungry and frantic!

In the evening dad/partner (if applicable) hops in the bath for some skin to skin time with baby, and mum builds a nest of pillows, snacks, books, drinks, music/TV remote as desired, ready to settle down for a longer feeding session.

A & B have also been told it's normal for a newborn to want lots of contact and cuddles from parents, when transitioning from a place with constant movement, sounds and security - familiar voices, smells, touch helps ease this. They've read about the theory of the fourth trimester, and it makes sense to them.

To make this work for all of them, they have a wrap which holds baby to them hands free, which they've found also helps if baby is a little windy or unsettled - on really tough days they head off out for a walk with it. They've discovered it's fab for holding the baby when they want to eat, even if at times this means eating whilst wiggling to settle baby, or taking turns wearing baby in the wrap whilst the other eats.

Baby sleeps next to mum, bedsharing safely or perhaps a cot attached to the bed. This means when baby wakes nobody has to sit up, get up or try and keep themselves awake - but can either just feed, or slide baby over (still without getting up) then feed laying down. They've realised the beauty of this is that there is no "lowering down" - which triggers a baby's startle reflex and wakes them up, and that with practice sometimes this can be done with all barely rousing.

Although baby wakes every few hours as expected, mum doesn't feel completely exhausted as when she does sleep she hits more restful sleep levels due to having her baby right next to her. If people offer to help the parents gladly accept offers of practical help, perhaps some meals cooked for them or an ironing pile tackled!

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In contrast parents X&Y picked up a very different set of books when shopping. They expect that baby will slot around them, that they need to do so early to learn to settle themselves and become independent - quickly developing a reliable pattern.

They feed the baby and then place her in the crib, ready to sit and enjoy a meal together. No sooner is the food on the plate than baby wakes and also wants feeding, two hours earlier than expected. After a nappy change they gently place baby in her Moses basket - but she squirms and wakes, like a Jack in the Box every time she's placed back down. When baby wants to cluster feed from 7-10pm, the parents are tired and confused, why is she wanting to feed so frequently? On the one hand they reason, she can't be hungry as she only fed 45 minutes ago, so at first they try dancing, jiggling and rocking to help baby sleep. But when baby continues to cry for a feed, the doubts can start; she must be hungry? What if mum isn't producing enough milk, that must be the case because the book says she should only feed every 3-4 hours? Is it wind? Colic? How do we work out what's wrong? What if she isn't taking enough? You can't see with a breast to check...

During the night, baby sleeps in a separate crib - when she wakes frequently someone has to sit up, retrieve and feed her(staying awake) before putting her back in the basket. As mum tentatively gets back bed, baby cries again - trapped burp this time. After a few minutes wandering round the bedroom baby settles but as mum places her down she startles and cries again. More pacing ensues and dad takes over for a turn. He manages to get baby into the basket, by swaddling to mask her reflexes and gets back into bed, but by now everyone is wide awake. Just as the parents start to fall asleep - you guessed it baby wakes again. After another 20 minutes trying to get baby into the basket, she's used enough energy that she's ready for feeding again thank you.

The next evening events repeat, and then a few more after that - the parents become more dismayed that baby wakes every time food is served, and they feel resentful they've not managed to have a meal alone together since she arrived. They expected something very different.

They decide if they can get baby to wait four hours for her feed, this will stop the habit of frequent feeding, and encourage the routine of long sleeps with infrequent waking they read about - and so introduce a pacifier which at least gives them chance to eat that meal. Over the next few days baby becomes more unsettled, wants to feed more frequently - and mum becomes more convinced there is an issue with her milk supply. The forums mum goes on related to the books she bought, only compound her feelings - parents are congratulated with a "Great Parenting!!" when someone declares their baby has slept a 9-12 hour plus stretch; which of course infers you're clearly not a great parent if you're baby isn't doing the same.

Partner looks at the exhausted mum and says something has to give, they cannot continue as they are - they need sleep and "me time".

When help is offered, the parents encourage family to hold the baby whilst they complete household tasks, trying to keep the house tidy for visitors as though a baby hasn't landed and thrown chaos where there was previously order.
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OK so these are extremes, reality is more often various hues of grey - but you can see how mentally parents X & Y have a much harder time than the first set of parents when baby arrived. It can be at times hard to pick "instinct" apart from "social expectations" - ie is the instinct founded on something we already fundamentally believe to be true and thus expect or is there really an issue. It's always worth remembering that a baby simply does not have sufficient neurological pathways developed to manipulate, control, plan or "scheme" - meeting the needs of an infant leads to long term security compared to the potentially negative implications of trying to train behaviour to suit. Babies don't even develop mature sleep rhythms until the they're several months old, they're not developing habits at the newborn stage, they're purely focussed on survival!

Even with the most realistic expectation, some babies will still be much more intense than others - parents can still be exhausted and overwhelmed. Ditch anything non essential and go wit the flow. Some babies may just need time, others may have an underlying issue they need understanding to help resolve - either way, I hope knowing it is normal and you're not alone or at fault may help, even just a little bit.

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Impending parenthood provokes a different response in each of us, and often a combination of emotions: anxiety, sheer panic, confidence, uncertainty, excitement, happiness to name just a few. Our expectations of what's to come, and what is "best", are naturally based on what we experience around us.

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Here’s a thought-provoking article about nappy changing

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Here’s a thought-provoking article about nappy changing

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We are conflicted about nappy changing these days. As a society, it makes us uncomfortable. It is distasteful, involving dirty, smelly bodily substances. It is anxiety provoking, requiring the exposure of babies' genitals. It is inconvenient, necessitating a pause in the midst of whatever other activity a parent has underway. And it frequently emotional, with babies refusing to lie still or staring intently into their caretaker's face.

For all these reasons, nappy changing is something we don't usually talk about in polite circles. It may be a necessity of life with a baby, but it's not exactly a subject for the dinner table, is it? It might therefore seem too inconsequential a topic for a whole article, especially when you consider that other pieces in this blog series have focused on 'serious' subjects, like terrorism and abuse and brain development.

Yet, to my mind, that is exactly the reason for writing a piece on nappy changing. Babies' brains grow more rapidly during the period of life during which they need their nappies changed than will ever be the case again. Approximately 1000 synaptic connections are formed every second during this period. Astounding. And it is the emotional experiences that babies have over and over again that build the most robust neural pathways. Nappy changing is undoubtedly an activity that babies encounter repeatedly. Indeed, over just the first six months, there are approximately 10 changes per day, each lasting, say, 5 minutes. That's 9000 minutes or 540,000 seconds, and thus half a billion synapses.

So nappy changing isn't quite as inconsequential as we might at first have thought. It has an impact on babies' brain development. More specifically, the emotional experiences that caretakers give babies whilst changing their nappies are being built into babies' brains.

I thought, therefore, that it would be interesting to reflect on the ways in which modern society encourages us to approach the task of nappy changing. This is an appropriate moment for such reflection, given that Real Nappy Week is taking place this very week in London. Most people won't have any idea there is a group of committed individuals who want to celebrate the benefits of real cloth nappies. This article is my way of supporting their efforts.

So what are some of the big messages we get about nappy changing in today's society?

One message is that nappies are disgustingly funny. Take, for example, the videos that regularly travel the web that show fathers wretching whilst changing nappies. In August 2015, a tattooed, uniformed father gained international attention when the video of him vomiting as he soldiered on with nappy changing went viral, featuring eventually on television and in newspapers.

Why is it always Dads? I know that we regard ourselves as having 'moved on' as a society, because once upon a time fathers never changed nappies at all. But this humiliating form of humour says something darker about the way we frame modern masculinity. We are either laughing at dads' incompetence - or turning them into heroes for coping with something ordinary. Indeed, if you want a gag gift for new fathers, you can buy a 'doodie apron', which comes complete with nose peg, face mask and gloves, all designed to help a father keep the disgusting productions of his baby's body at bay.

I know it's supposed to be funny. And I know I sound like I need to get a life if I'm not laughing at the innocent joke. But I find myself wondering about the baby's experience. Is the baby scared when confronted with Dad clad in a face mask? Does the baby feel ashamed when Dad looks disgusted in reaction to the substances that her body produces? Does the baby feel embarrassed when parents start laughing whilst filming 'poo faces' to send to Pampers as part of an advertising campaign?

Here's my point: we feel okay about all this laughter because we think it's only about the adults. We don't think it matters to the babies. We wouldn't laugh at older people with dementia who are pooing, because we would think that was disrespectful. But when it comes to babies, we think they don't notice. That why the joking seems innocent and can't do harm to anybody.

Except it's not true. Babies are born with a connected brain. That means they are already aware of and attuned to and reading other people's emotions, facial expressions and behaviour. Babies learn about themselves by the way we treat them. This includes the way we treat them during activities as 'inconsequential' as nappy changing. If we react often enough to babies' bodies with disgust, then they start to see themselves as disgusting. It is ominously fascinating to realise that we can build a sense of shame into our child's brain by the way we treat them during nappy changing. As parent, we can do that without ever realizing or intending to. And modern society makes it more, not less, likely that we will do just that.

What's another message that we get in today's world about nappy changing? How about this one: the less it happens, the better. Pampers and Huggies make disposable nappies d esigned to last 12 hours without the need for a change. The idea is that parents don't have to be interrupted in the midst of other activities with their wee ones. Babies can remain strapped into car seats and strollers and carry cots. They don't have to risk being woken at night.

Modern society creates more and more devices that reduce babies' opportunities to feel their parents' touch. Of all the senses, touch is the most important for babies. It is the first sense to develop in the womb and the most developed at birth. Skin is our largest organ, and the sensations that skin sends to the brain are so powerful that they act as pain relief. In our evolutionary history, babies spent much more time experiencing touch, strapped as they were to a parent's body during the day and sleeping next to a parent's body at night. Modern babies experience an extremely different type of infancy than did our forebears.

Yes, babies adapt to the modern world. Skeptics will reply that babies are clearly surviving in today's world of nappies, transport devices and sleeping arrangements. I agree, they are. But I also know that without sufficient touch and physical attention, babies die. That was one of the points to come out of studies of Romanian orphans. Infant humans depend on the physical presence of another human being in order to survive.

Could the decreasing amount of touch that modern babies receive be one of the reasons that our society is witnessing an increase in behavioural problems associated with emotional regulation? The most fundamental pathways that the brain is forming during the early years are the ones that enable to us to cope with - that is, regulate - our emotions.

So maybe it would be better if disposable nappies weren't quite so efficient? Maybe it would be better for babies' emotional health if nappy companies could find ways to inform parents about the crucial importance of touch and cuddling and feeling Mum's warm fingers on your skin - even while they search for ways to keep urine from reaching a baby's skin.

That's one of the aims of Real Nappy Week. The celebrations aren't designed only to highlight the value of non-disposable nappies, but to get us as a culture to rethink the whole business of nappy changing.

So what's one final modern-day message to which we might pay attention? How about the way in which our fear of sexual abuse now overlaps with nappy changing?

Many nurseries now have a policy that requires two members of staff to be present when nappies are changed, in order to guard against the risk of inappropriate touch. We are scared that the people who have been vetted to take care of our children might harm them, and nakedness makes nappy changing seem a particularly vulnerable setting.

Videos that instruct new parents on how to change nappies are frequently shot from an angle that avoids revealing babies' genitals, or are edited so that the genitals are blurred out. How ironic that the very parts of the body that generate the need for a nappy change cannot be shown on film. In our struggle to come to terms with the very real risks that children face of being sexually abused, we have further sexualised our youngest children.

In the run-up to Real Nappy Week, my team released our brief film 'dance of the nappy'. The film is excerpted from our longer feature-length film, 'the connected baby', first released in 2011 with funding from the British Psychological Society. We estimate that the longer film has now been viewed by 100,000 people, but this is the first time we have released an entire segment for public viewing on YouTube.
The film shows the intricate emotional dance that goes on between a 5-week-old baby and his mother during an ordinary nappy change. The baby's emotional responses to his mother's movements and facial expressions are so nuanced that it would be easy to miss them. That's why we wanted to make the film: because such moments of connection are happening for babies across the world, but it is easy for parents to overlook them because they are so subtle and fleeting. Video footage makes it possible to slow everything down and reveal what is not apparent to the naked eye.

After filming that session, I realised the baby's genitals were in full view. The mother realised it too. She commented on it at the time, whilst we were filming. Later, during editing, she confirmed that she was comfortable with retaining the footage. But I had to ask myself: was I comfortable with it? Was it appropriate in today's society to show a 5-week-old baby's genitals on a movie screen? What would I say if someone challenged my decision? What if, later, when the baby is grown, he resents having had his bum shown off to the world? What if I was accused of encouraging inappropriate touch because his genitals appear briefly but undeniably?

My decision was not to change anything. I decided that real-life nappy changing means exposing and cleaning baby's genitals. I decided that merely alluding to that, by editing out that footage, actually feeds our modern day fear that genitals are inherently sexual, even those of a 5-week-old baby. I decided that I was making a film that was trying to show how connection is possible at all points in a baby's day, including during an activity as 'disgusting' as changing a pooey nappy. Because that's exactly what the film shows - not just a Number One, but a Number Two. And the interaction between the mum and her baby is still loving and affirming. The baby gets no sense that his bodily excrement is shameful to her. After weeks of fretting, I decided I could defend such a scene to the world.

This week, I was reminded about my early worries. Since our public release on YouTube last week, I have received queries from three people, expressing unease that the film shows 'everything'. I was relieved to realise that I now welcomed such debate, rather than feared it. Those weeks I had spent agonizing had been valuable, for they enabled me to articulate the position I take in this debate.

And here is my position: Something is emotionally askew in our modern society. On the one hand, the global company Pampers can make an award-winning film that is intentionally designed to make us laugh at babies' unease and discomfort when they poo. On the other hand, we can be made uncomfortable by a film that shows the real poo and the parts of a baby's body that produced it. Something is awry in our reasoning.

I like the idea that a scene of something as tediously ordinary as a pooey nappy can become a radical act. A baby boy's bum can make us reflect in new ways on our own humanity.

So, to the grown man of the future who was once that baby boy, let me offer my thanks and my apologies now. It was your bum that offered us this gift of reflection. Your mother says in the film: "One day you might really hate that I did this in front of the camera." I hope you don't. Because every time I show this film, I offer you a silent, grateful thanks for the trust you placed in us that day.

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Changing nappies is as much about babies' brains as their bottoms

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We are conflicted about nappy changing these days. As a society, it makes us uncomfortable. It is distasteful, involving dirty, smelly bodily substances. It is anxiety provoking, requiring the exposure of babies' genitals. It is inconvenient, necessitating a pause in the midst of whatever other activity a parent has underway.

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Here’s some surprising research into winding: 

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Here’s some surprising research into winding: 

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A randomized controlled trial of burping for the prevention of colic and regurgitation in healthy infants. - PubMed - NCBI

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Child Care Health Dev. 2015 Jan;41(1):52-6. doi: 10.1111/cch.12166. Epub 2014 Jun 9. Randomized Controlled Trial

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After all the build up to the birth, the buying of babygros and nappies, deciding what kind of buggy to have, wondering what the birth will be like - once your baby's here it can all feel a little...slower. Days can revolve around looking after baby, and not much else.

Toby Jones, member of Cardiff NCT branch and dad to Chloé, says: "I had big - and in retrospect pretty unrealistic - plans for my paternity leave, including a trip to the mountains and taking the opportunity to tinker on my bike.

"In the end, looking after Chloé took up all my time, without feeling we were doing much at all. But even though a day can pass without having much to show for it except the fact we're all still in one piece, that's fine with me. I like just spending time with her and trying to make her smile. I even like watching her sleep!"

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10 things I never expected about being a dad - NCT Matters

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After all the build up to the birth, the buying of babygros and nappies, deciding what kind of buggy to have, wondering what the birth will be like - once your baby's here it can all feel a little...slower. Days can revolve around looking after baby, and not much else.

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I guess when she was born I didn't really know what to think. There was relief that everything was fine in the end, but shock still from the stress of the situation. I was expecting this big rush of emotions that you hear so much about. That overwhelming feeling of love that being a parent brings.

But I didn't feel that. I didn't really feel anything. And slowly those feelings got worse. I started to dislike Isabelle, feeling jealous of her for taking away the time I used to have with my wife, then I regretted having her, and starting feeling guilty about how I felt.

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Your experiences: Being a dad with postnatal depression - NCT Matters

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I guess when she was born I didn't really know what to think. There was relief that everything was fine in the end, but shock still from the stress of the situation. I was expecting this big rush of emotions that you hear so much about.

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The men in your group are very welcome to join NWL Dads, a Facebook group for the dads I support.

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The men in your group are very welcome to join NWL Dads, a Facebook group for the dads I support.

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Paced Bottle Feeding For The Breastfed Baby

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Here's an NCT article on BABYWEARING (using baby carriers), which is an enormously useful parenting tool for both parents:

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Here's an NCT article on BABYWEARING (using baby carriers), which is an enormously useful parenting tool for both parents:

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Here's a lovely article a dad wrote for me about his experience of bed-sharing:

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Here's a lovely article a dad wrote for me about his experience of bed-sharing:

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Before I get to the 10 reasons, here's a little bit about who I am, and what babywearing is. My name is Ciarán, also known as Ciarán the Babywearing Dad. I'm living in Ireland, a first time dad to a gorgeous little boy and an advocate for babywearing dads. Once I had been babywearing for a little while I discovered that there were not many proud babywearing dads in Ireland. I set up a Facebook page to promote babywearing and cloth nappies, and went to work letting dads know the benefits, that they are not alone and that there are wraps and carriers out there for dads. I have found that the main reason dads won't babywear is that the slings/carriers/wraps are too 'girly'. Mums are the main babywearers, so the majority of carriers are marketed at women but there are loads of 'manly' carriers available, many of which I have reviewed.

Babywearing can be defined as "carrying your baby in a soft carrier close to your body as you go about the business of your life", and this is one of the reasons why I babywear. Babywearing can be done using a wide array of carriers, broadly categorised as wraps, soft structured carriers (SSC's) and ring slings. Whatever you use be sure to use them correctly so it is safe and comfortable for baby and parent, and always follow the babywearing T.I.C.K.S. (Tight, In view at all times, Close enough to kiss, Keep chin off the chest, Supported back). With all that out of the way I hope you enjoy my 10 reasons for babywearing!

1. Bonding

I didn't start babywearing until my little man was six weeks old, and I found that until that point he preferred to be with his mum. Now, this may have been in my head but it always seemed like his mum could settle him better. Once I started babywearing however, he was always happy to be with me, I could settle him (or maybe the babywearing settled him!). He got to know my smell and the sound of my voice, he knew I was his dad and started to smile when he heard me and follow my voice around the room. Most parents know that skin to skin is great for bonding for mum and baby, but it's also great for dads. Babywearing allows you to get skin to skin hands free.

2. Gives Mum a break

This one is very important! We all need a break from time to time, mums and dads. Babywearing allows dads to go do pretty much anything with a contented baby. Even if it's just a walk with the dogs, both hands are free, and my baby has never lasted an entire walk in a carrier awake! I have taken my little man up hills, down to rivers, even just out to do the shopping while mum gets to have a lie in, a bath, just recharge, or do their own thing for a while.

3. Settles babies quickly

Nothing settles a baby faster than having them up close to you, all cuddled up snugly and feeling safe and loved. From teething to crankiness as soon as he sees a wrap or carrier coming he immediately cheers up, and once he's wrapped up tight it's a matter of minutes before he is calm and usually asleep! The upright position that babywearing provides relieves babies of colic and helps bring up wind.

4. Hands free hugs

This one is my favourite. I love hugging and cuddling my little boy but sometimes as a dad I also need to do stuff. Babywearing allows me to do all the things that need to be done and cuddle my boy, plus I get to sneak kisses and cuddles all the time! I regularly babywear shopping, feeding the dogs, hanging out the washing, anything really!

5. Sleepy dust

Everyone who babywears will testify that all wraps and carriers come with sleepy dust. Being warm, held tightly, feeling safe and secure and hearing your heartbeat, they can't help but fall asleep. This is especially useful at nap times, when little baby is fighting sleep (because you know they will miss something really important!), or when they are sick and need to get some rest.

6. Makes you stronger

Every time I wear my baby now, I am carrying around an extra 10kg of weight, it's like having a free gym. If I go out for a brisk walk I really feel it! With the right carriers the weight is spread nicely and doesn't dig in or pull in anyway, he can be practically weightless on my back and shoulders, but it will make you break a sweat in a power walk!

7. It lets you get stuff done

I honestly don't know how parents get anything done without babywearing! If he is any bit clingy or upset and needs to be constantly interacted with or placated, babywearing allows you to do this while doing the washing up/ making bottles/ washing nappies/ playing Xbox or Playstation/ fighting zombies, whatever needs doing!

8. Easy access everywhere

Ever tried to push a buggy around a really busy shop, or up a mountain, or have to push an empty buggy and carry your child? Not easy and very cumbersome. Babywearing eliminates all these problems. You can easily walk around the busiest of shops, do some hill walking, and if your kiddo is of walking age but gets tired, a lot of carriers/wraps pack up small and can be kept in a bag until needed.

9. Looks awesome

Some people think that babywearing isn't manly, or it looks girly. Is it girly or not manly to want to be a great dad?! There are lots of carriers and wraps that look awesome and are 'manly' or dad friendly. You don't have to wear flowers and rainbows if you don't want to (I would and have, don't mind it at all, just love having my baby close to me). There are loads of places that do custom carriers too, and you can get pretty much anything on them; I have a Batman one!

10. Feeding on the go

Most people know that mums can breastfeed while babywearing, but you can also bottle feed. I often have to take a bottle out while walking out shopping and feed the little man, and it's great. I still have one hand free and can continue shopping and he gets fed. Works great at home too when its nap time and he's fighting it. A small bottle with wrap cuddles and he's out like a light, then I can transfer him to the cot and I'm free to do whatever!

If you are interested in babywearing and don't know where to start or find all the options a bit overwhelming I would highly recommend going to your local sling meeting. These are great places to find like-minded parents and to get really good advice on how to use slings and carriers correctly. You can also find certified babywearing consultants who can help you learn to use the various carriers so you can find the ones that are right for you. There are sling libraries where you can rent carriers before you buy, which is great as some of them can be very expensive and you might find that you didn't like that particular one at all! If you have any babywearing questions, don't hesitate to contact me, I'm always happy to help or point you in the right direction.

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10 Reasons for Dads to Babywear - Attachment Parenting UK

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Before I get to the 10 reasons, here's a little bit about who I am, and what babywearing is. My name is Ciarán, also known as Ciarán the Babywearing Dad. I'm living in Ireland, a first time dad to a gorgeous little boy and an advocate for babywearing dads.

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Here's an article about  why sharing the feeding might not be helpful:

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Here's an article about  why sharing the feeding might not be helpful:

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I use the terms dads/partners simply for ease of reading in this post, but I also understand family dynamics come in a wide range of packages. It is relevant to any significant other(s) supporting mum with a new baby so please don't be put off by titles.

I first wrote about this in a dispelling myths article a few years ago, but I've noticed it still pops up a lot online:

"I want dad to be able to get involved in the feeding so he can bond",

"We're going to mix feed so dad can help with night feeds",

"My partner says I will need to rest and so we plan to introduce a bottle ASAP, so he can be involved in all aspects of caring for baby".

Most people probably don't see anything wrong with these statements, it all sounds perfectly reasonable; indeed I remember uttering similar with my first, it's just what "non extremists" do right? I confess I started out a very "mainstream" mum (by the apparently essential labeling system parenting seems to demand) but the more I trained, read and experienced, the more I began looking for evidence rather than opinion - and the more I wondered about dads, bottles and bonding.

How ever did dads bond before common bottle use? Are men too intended to lactate? perhaps that's one for another blog post! If not what is their role?

Certainly for a long period in time, babies and children were "women's work", (although prior to this evidence suggests care of infants was shared in many societies) but as the change in communities happened so came "modern man" - someone who shared the chores, cooking and childcare.

Dads feeding became something marketed by the artificial breastmilk substitute companies; "feed the baby to bond and help out your partner, be the good dad" was born! It fits great with the hands on dad thing and women proudly announce their husband or partner of course wants to get involved with feeding - like a badge of good parenting. Some of you might remember the advert recently for a follow on milk, it showed a dad pacing with baby at night and the voice over "I promise to do my share of the night feeds"?

The concept is actually a rather nifty idea on a couple of levels. Firstly whether mum breastfeeds is heavily linked with the support (or lack of) received from her partner, secondly mums also buy into dads sharing night feeds because as mentioned above, it makes seemingly logical sense in today's society to share all care.

When mum experiences problems, partners of course want to help resolve things. In fact I often say dads are "solvers".

Often they have no idea how to help with breastfeeding though and in absence of other ideas, infant formula may be suggested to "give mum a break" - the problem can be solved with a bottle! double whammy. Many understandably don't know how much this can impact in the early weeks - perhaps by reducing how effectively baby milks the breast resulting in soreness for mum, or how the fast easy flow of the bottle can cause baby to be impatient and fuss at the breast (particularly if supply is low and so milk flow slower) . Many don't realise that "help" in the form of a bottle can compound whatever problem mum was having initially, reduce supply - increasing the need for further supplementation and longer term actually cause far more problems than it appeared to solve. Even if they did, many are not aware of the risks of not breastfeeding to baby or mum, or the impact of a bottle of artificial milk. This can put a lot of pressure on a mum who feels torn by what she has previously been told, but also has a shared sense of lack of other options or coping strategies - how many get good breastfeeding education prior to having a baby?

In practice many mums struggle to express much in the early days, and if they do they may end up so full if a feed is missed they have to express anyway at the same time dad is giving the bottle. If it's before supply has settled, expressing can kick start an oversupply for mum - handy if it's planned for a return to work (as some mums do) not so much so for the new mum wondering why she has enough milk to feed half the street. Some mums hate expressing, some babies hate bottles and sharing the feeding can end up a lot more work than mum just feeding baby.

But who decided men feeding babies was bonding or that this was the best role for dads/partners to assume?

Before you start yelling at the screen, hear me out. The hormone oxytocin plays a hefty part in the bonding process; it has been shown to influence trust and social attachment between mammals, plus feeling good, relaxed, connected and less stressed or anxious. Breastfeeding produces high levels of oxytocin, but it's not a hormone exclusive to breastfeeding - other things also produce it at different levels. A 2009 study of 80 couples showed:

The more the men in the study cuddled their babies, the more their oxytocin levels rose. It's like a feedback loop; the more you touch, the more oxytocin you have; the more oxytocin, the more you touch. But you need to initiate this feedback loop, by holding and touching and kissing your baby." (Fieldman 2009)

So if the cradling, gazing into baby's eyes and interacting with them causes oxytocin, does the plastic bottle in hand actually increase it any? Couldn't dads who want an exclusively breastfed baby do just the same minus bottle? Do dads actually find bottle feeding a bonding experience - or more of a bonding experience than other things they do with baby? Could bottle feeding actually just be considered bonding because it's been suggested to us that it is, because of the culture we live in?

But what about help during the night?
Although the early weeks of life with a new baby can be hard for new parents, once these have passed it's a lot easier to breastfeed at night than either person bottle feeding; if baby is co-sleeping or in a co-sleeping cot attached to the side of the bed, nobody even has to sit up. Compare that to the requirements to prepare substitutes safely and it's a whole different ball game.

I also think it's a bit of a myth that if men feed the mother gets more sleep - believe me when baby is up and hungry nobody in close proximity is sleeping through it; when it's your baby, you wake! Another myth is that men need to feed to comfort baby - if baby suffers from colic or is unsettled it can be amazing what even a change of arms can do. With slightly older infants, if you are confident they are satiated and they are refusing the breast - dad can offer a clean little finger to suck and a comfy pair of rocking arms

A couple of studies have shown exclusively breastfeeding maximises sleep, particularly if co-sleeping/co-cot sleeping. A study from 2004 found the exclusively breastfeeding mothers slept approximately 20 minutes longer than mothers who were mix feeding (Gay et al). Another study examining quality of sleep found breastfeeding mothers got an average of 182 minutes of slow wave sleep, compared to 63 minutes for those exclusively bottle feeding. Slow-wave sleep is an important marker of sleep quality, and those with a higher percentage of slow-wave sleep report less daytime fatigue. (Blyton et al., 2002).

Whilst dads are often very keen to help out with bottle feeds in the first couple of weeks, I do have to wonder what percentage carry on with as much gusto once the new baby tiredness has kicked in and paternity leave has finished. Don't some have jobs that need them to be on the ball at work? If mum is still on maternity leave and doesn't need to get dressed till noon, isn't it more likely she will end up doing more night feeds during the week anyway if they're both shattered?

What can dads do?
I'm firmly of the opinion that "having a breastfed baby" is the responsibility of everyone connected to baby - and partners/husbands/dads even grans absolutely have an extremely significant job! But is the right role at the end of a bottle?

One mum commented:

Frankly I think my husbands parenting skills are in no way diminished by his physiological inability to lactate, and find it a bit insulting that he has to be "included" in this way, as if he has no other role.

The truth is that there is lots of ways dad can help mum, bond, really enjoy the new baby and support breastfeeding:

1. Get support - if problems arise perhaps dad can help locate some support in the area and go along with mum. On the breastfeeding helpline we get lots of calls from dads and often they can be amazing hands on support when given information and a chance. If you're still pregnant, why not get your partner reading up on how to tell if breastfeeding is going as expected and what to do if not?

2. Skin to skin - produces heaps of oxytocin and many babies are comforted by the broad warm chest of dad, just as they are snuggled against mum's curves. Mums think nothing of hopping into bed for some newborn snuggles, time out for skin to skin with dad can be just as bonding.

3. Bathing baby - ditch the baby bath and hop in together. Warm water produces oxytocin, as does skin contact and so both mums and dads report it being a great bonding time (and stops the screaming that can accompany some newborns in the bath!)

4. Wearing baby - popping baby in a good baby carrier and heading off for a walk can give dad some one on one close contact time with baby and give mum chance for a bath and a snooze! If they don't fancy heading outdoors, many babies are content snuggled up pottering round the house.

5. All together now - laying down to breastfeed can give mum chance for a well earned nap. If dad snuggles up too, he can keep an eye on baby (so mum can relax more) One dad in particular commented cuddling up with mum and baby when feeding made him feel particularly included.

6. The collect and deliver - instead of expressing, some mums prefer to feed baby and then dad takes over care, before delivering baby back when hunger strikes. By the time they baby is a few weeks old, mums can often do this without waking fully - especially with the assistance of dad. As an added bonus the hormones delivered during the feed help mum drift nicely back off to sleep...

7. Clean, cook, tidy! - mum has done pregnancy and labour and deserves a babymoon. If mum gets help in these other areas it can help her relax and enjoy this time.

8. Massage for mum - an upper back and shoulder massage before a feed can be excellent in the early days; often mums hunch their shoulders when trying to breastfeed in mainstream positions, resulting in tension and stress across shoulders and the back of the neck. There is also an acupressure point between the shoulder blades near the neck, linking the nerves in the upper spine with the breasts; massaging this helps trigger the milk ejection reflex (letdown) in some mums and can be beneficial when nursing or expressing. At the very least mum should end up feeling more relaxed.

9. Massage for baby - There are lots of reported reasons to massage your baby, again oxytocin is linked. Why not see if there is a DVD or book as a "how to", or even a newborn group you could all attend together if your partner has leave.

10. Music & dance - A 2010 study by psychologists found that infants respond to the rhythm and tempo of music and find it more engaging than speech. They like to move in time to the music so get dads to flick on the stereo, and try a few different styles to find their groove.

11. Snacks - in the early days very often as soon as mum feeds, hunger and thirst strike! having a partner on hand to deliver snacks and water is fantastic. If dad really wants to go for it, perhaps he could even bake healthy nutritious snacks? including seeds, grains and the essential good quality dark chocolate.

12. Protector - ok so for cave woman this would likely have been from some big ass tiger, whereas nowadays it tends to be from general interference from a host of well meaning people. If dad is championing for mum, encouraging and helping if problems arise - not only is mum far more likely to succeed, but others will also be less quick to undermine. If they do, dad will be in the know enough to step up and protect what is ultimately not only a significant factor in his partners long term health, but the corner stone of his baby's.

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My partner wants to share the feeding, natch!

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I use the terms dads/partners simply for ease of reading in this post, but I also understand family dynamics come in a wide range of packages. It is relevant to any significant other(s) supporting mum with a new baby so please don't be put off by titles.

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Here’s an excellent article with suggestions of ways in which dads can be supportive: 

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Here’s an excellent article with suggestions of ways in which dads can be supportive: 

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Breastfeeding is a lot of work. Wonderful, satisfying, beautiful, enjoyable, awe-inspiring, exhausting work. Mum is going to be working hard, but there is plenty a supportive partner can do to help and support her and make the journey an exciting and enjoyable family affair.
1. Never say "will we not just give the baby a bottle" "would it not be easier to give the baby a bottle" "why do you even want to breastfeed anyway" "this is your gig, not mine" "I'd be happier if I could feed the baby too".
Mum is not only nursing because it's best for baby and best for her, but also because she is emotionally invested in breastfeeding. She is also tired and hormonal in the first weeks. Making flippant comments is not helpful. Telling her she's amazing and doing a fantastic job, especially when she's having a wobbly moment, is gold-dust. It will spur her on and give her that little bit of confidence in a sea of doubt, which is usually all she needs.

2. Be a hands on parent. Yes, Mum is doing all the feeds but feeding is just a tiny part of parenting. You can change nappies, bath baby, cook, clean, do laundry, carry baby in a sling to comfort it and give mum a break, do skin to skin cuddles with baby, play with baby, take baby out for a walk, massage baby, chat to baby, show baby the world...

3. Every time she sits down for a feed, especially during the first few weeks, sit beside her for a second and seek out EVERYTHING in her line of vision which could annoy or frustrate her. I'm talking dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty children, a pile of pretty much anything that's not supposed to be there. Get it out of her eye-line. Cleaning it up for good would be best practice, but at least remove it temporarily while she's feeding. The last thing she wants to see is the stuff that's not being done while she's feeding her baby.

4. Educate yourself. Go to a breastfeeding workshop like ours at The elbowroom. Failing that read breastfeeding books. Understand how breastfeeding works; the biology of it, the psychology of it. Learn what's normal, what's not normal, what's helpful and what's not. Understand the common problems and how they can be rectified. I'm pretty sure partners who are unsupportive of a breastfeeding mum are also pretty clueless about how it works. Save yourself the stress of that, and gain knowledge.

5. She is already doubting herself - you don't need to help with that. Being a new mum is a huge learning curve and doubting herself is her new super-power. She's surrounded by people who want to weigh her baby, almost like an assumption of failure. And people will comment as they see fit "that child's hungry" "you never put that baby down" "you've that child ruined" "he/she is starving". What she needs from you is unbridled confidence in her. 100% belief in her amazing body and her ability to care for and nurture her baby. You can never overstate how great she is.

6. Accept that she and baby are learning a new skill. Even if it's not her first time to breastfeed, every baby is different. There is still a 'provisional licence' period of about 6 weeks when there will be ups and downs. Good days and tough days. This is normal. There will be days when baby is very demanding (this is baby asking for more milk to accommodate its growing needs!). There will be days where there is a lot of sleep. There will be days where there is no sleep. There will be tears, laughter and awe.

7. Feed her. Breastfeeding is a hungry business and new mums need to eat and drink lots of water. Fill the freezer with stuff you normally eat before baby arrives because you will get sick of take-aways. And NO ONE gets over the threshold for baby snuggles unless they are carrying food. That's a rule!

8. Success does not come in the form of sleep. There is too much emphasis on baby's sleeping. How long or often your baby sleeps is not a sign of successful breastfeeding. Babies are hardwired to wake and feed at night. This is because prolactin, the hormone that produces the milk, is at its highest during the night. Successful breastfeeding looks like this: Happy baby growing and developing, happy mummy delirious with love and exhaustion. Sleep is an occasional bonus. You can help by encouraging mum to sleep during the day when baby sleeps and working out ways for her to do that even if there are other children in the house.

Some worries you might have

Baby is feeding all the time...like all the time. This is normal newborn activity. Remember a baby at the breast is not only drinking milk. It is also putting in the milk order for tomorrow and getting comfort and learning about trust and love. Babies also go through development leaps and growth spurts, during which they will feed all the time. If mum's happy, just go with the flow and keep the cake coming!

I'm walking on eggshells. She's up one minute, down the next. This is not uncommon after birth. Mum is recovering from birth and is not getting a lot of sleep. You know yourself, when you're tired, emotions are magnified. Her hormonal system is also all over the place as it rebalances. Give it time and lots of hugs.

She is in agony every time she feeds. I can't watch. Breastfeeding should never be agony. If there is pain there is something wrong. It is likely to be something to do with how baby is latching on to the breast or it could be something like a tongue tie. Either way, waiting and seeing is not the answer. Call a qualified lactation consultant or get in touch with Cuidiú or La Leche League volunteers for help.

Will we ever have sex again? Yes! Maybe not immediately, maybe not for a while...but absolutely yes! A woman's body goes through many changes when she is pregnant and then gives birth to a baby. These can make some women lose interest in sex for a while. This happens to both breastfeeding and bottle-feeding women. In fact, childbirth affects women's sex lives more than breastfeeding does. Some women say that the emotional and physical effort of looking after a baby makes them feel 'all touched out' by the end of a day. After their baby is born, some women experience dryness in the vagina, but this is easily overcome by using lubricating products available at supermarkets or pharmacies. A woman needs her partner to be patient and sensitive as she recovers from the birth experience and gains confidence in breastfeeding and as a mother.

Remember, sharing the care of your new baby is a loving act too. And, well, there are other methods of curing an urge...!
This blog was written by Lisa and Emily for www.eumom.ie
About the author: Emily McElarney

Emily McElarney is a mum of three, all of whom were birthed naturally in Dublin maternity hospitals, using Hypnobirthing. She is a huge advocate of hypnobirthing and of promoting natural birth and of the normalcy of birth. Empowering mums and dads to be are hugely important to Emily and her goal in classes is always to empower couples to make informed choices around the birth of their children. A qualified yoga teacher, Emily teaches pre-natal yoga and postnatal mum & baby yoga in The elbowroom. A former journalist, Emily currently contributes to media discussion on birth and normalcy of birth on a regular bases. She also writes for several publications on birth, birth preparation and infant bonding and engagement.

The elbowroom has an extensive range of classes for all ages and abilities. We offer such an eclectic mix to enable you to find something that will suit you. If you need any advice, please contact our class advisor who can point you in the right direction.

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How to be an amazing breastfeeding partner - The elbowroom

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Breastfeeding is a lot of work. Wonderful, satisfying, beautiful, enjoyable, awe-inspiring, exhausting work. Mum is going to be working hard, but there is plenty a supportive partner can do to help and support her and make the journey an exciting ... Continue reading →

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An article with suggestions for ways in which partners can get involved:

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An article with suggestions for ways in which partners can get involved:

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By Wendy Wright- IBCLC Co-Founder and Lactation Consultant of the 16 Minute Club

Many new moms will hear the advice to allow their partner to bond with the baby through bottle feeding. While this advice is well-meaning, introducing a bottle too early can negatively affect milk supply and latching. Thankfully there are several other ways your partner can bond with the new baby without having to feed them.

Encourage Them to Participate in Birth

Bonding with the baby can start even before he enters the world. The labor process is a hard one for moms and babies, so the partner can really be a great asset here. Seeing your baby born into this world and hearing their first cries is an emotional one, whether you are the mother or father. Your partner will not be overflowing with as many hormones as you, but they can definitely experience the love at first sight feeling just by being there.

Allow Your Partner to Snuggle During Feeding Sessions

You already know that nursing your newborn will boost your oxytocin levels, but did you know that your partner can get some of the same oxytocin high just from snuggling mom and baby? Allow your partner to snuggle with you and to gently rub the baby's head while feeding. Your partner can also sing and talk to the baby at this time. Family snuggle time is a wonderful memory to have, especially among the sleepless nights.

Anyone can experience an amazing bonding session with the baby during skin to skin time. Studies have also shown that when dad's hold their baby skin to skin after a C-section delivery, the crying in the baby is reduced greatly. Skin time is also a wonderful way to help the baby regulate their body temperature, accelerate brain development, and even stimulate digestion and weight gain.

There are many baby carriers designed for newborn babies over eight pounds. These carriers not only free up your hands, but they really help promote bonding and closeness. Your partner can wear the baby to give you a much needed break, while also experiencing wonderful bonding with the baby. The baby may even sleep better in a carrier, since they will be comfortable and have their head rested near your partner's heart.

Another great way to bond with the baby and benefit them is through baby massage. Baby massage can aid digestion, improve the immune system, and improve circulation in the baby. New moms usually find themselves sleepy after a nursing session, so this is the perfect opportunity for partners to step in. They can burp the baby and give the baby some gently massaging before the baby falls asleep.

Feeding a newborn is not the only way to experience bonding time. As a new mom, the best way to help your partner bond with your baby is to encourage them. Don't be overly critical, instead offer gentle suggestions if the baby is not being held safely.

Photo Credit: Surlygirl
Wendy Wright is a lactation consultant for The 16 Minute Club- the one-and-only breastfeeding subscription box designed and curated by a lactation consultant. They are focused on helping new nursing mothers meet their breastfeeding goals, providing tons of relevant information based on baby's developmental stage and offering a selection of age-appropriate tools and treats to get families through potential breastfeeding obstacles that can occur along the way.

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tips for non-breastfeeding parent to bond

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The Mother's Partner and the Breastfed Baby : Alternative Bonding Methods Beyond Feeding

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By Wendy Wright- IBCLC Co-Founder and Lactation Consultant of the 16 Minute Club Many new moms will hear the advice to allow their partner to bond with the baby through bottle feeding. While this advice is well-meaning, introducing a bottle too early can negatively affect milk supply and latching.