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The author could work on using descriptive language to describe there experience rather than to tell. Two successful things would be the good descriptive dialogue and restating things in the end that was said in the beginning.

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The author was successful in telling how much the author enjoys helping people. An area for improvement would to demonstrate it instead of telling

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This writer did well using figurative language to describe the emotions on his little sisters face as she learned to multiply. The writer also did a good job of connecting Beyond Aim high with his experience with his younger sister. I feel that the writer could of done a better job of telling how he has changed into an overall better person, or how it benefited him.

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He did well in describing of how passionate is his in helping others and being that role model he never had. An area of growth he could of explained in depth of his experience Also more about the program and how the program help him since his essay is about Aim High.

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The essay reveals the student's desire to help others educate themselves, as with their sister and the kids at Aim High. This student's kind and caring demeanor is shown through their ability to help others step outside of their comfort zones. This student is also self reliant, and an independant leader in their household. The flow and structure of the entire essay is well put together, none of the transitions feel out of place or awkward either.

One thing that could have been improved in this essay was it's formality. I felt that some of the language was not quite at the academic level that you would expect to see from a final draft. It gets it's point across pretty well, but the  syntax needs some polishing.

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Two successful characteristics are a want to lead and help others as well as being independent in school work and just general life. It shows how determined he is to be successful in his education and making sure the people around him were also successful. One are that is lacking is the story telling itself. There is somewhat of a lack of figurative language and it feels a little more telling than showing. There were also some opportunities to use some slightly higher level words to show a slightly more elevated vocabulary.

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An area for improvement in this essay would be to demonstrate how aim high changed the author and not just telling. Two successful things in this essay was the good dialogue it had to show what ethnicity the author was without telling and showing how this person had a drive to help others.

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One thing I think the author did successfully was structuring his essay and how he transitioned into the aim high program going into the body paragraph .Something he could have done better was using more figurative language like in the introduction where he used dialogue .

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Two successful things was linking back to her sister at the end of the essay and the figurative language at the beginning of the vending machine. One thing they could improve on is more figurative language and showing how Aim High changed her and the little boy while being educated.

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This essay illustrates the authors desire to be a role model for others since the author didn't have a role model growing up. I thought the dialogue and the background of his family revealed to the audience why helping others was so important to the author. I also liked the addition of having one specific kid that he helped at Aim High because it really showed his leadership skills. This essay lacked descriptive writing and was a lot of telling not showing.

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-He did very well with dialogue and showing instead of telling
-He showed how his confidence grew and how he became a mentor to these younger kids
-He didn't use much variety in his word choice, but i think it was great anyways

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Two successful characteristics was how the author showed how the event actually impacted them and helped them grow. Also, the structure of beginning with their personal life and then explaining something that they did within their community helped reveal a lot about them. One area for improvement would be adding figurative language to strengthen the narrative elements of the essay. It seemed like he was just describing at certain points instead of showing, which could be improved with figurative language.

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One area for growth would be to show more details instead of telling them. The author did a wonderful job telling the story, but the details were not illustrated as vividly as I would have expected.
Two successful characteristics include the order and flow of the essay and the conclusion bringing the topic back to their sister and her multiplication.

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This essay shows the authors desire and passion to help very well. I also liked the details that were used. An area of growth would be to add more showing rather than telling.

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This essay demonstrates the author's desire to help others with a passion. Two successful characteristics was showing how Aim High impacted the kids and how they grew from that experience. Also how the author personal life connects to aim high at end of the essay. How author did something for the community showing he cares about others and understands them. Pushing Juan to be better.
One area for improving would be adding similes or more figurative language. Describing things more then just showing them would improve this essay.

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I think that he shows his independence and leadership very well, explaining that he didnt have parents to teach him so he took on that leadership role of helping his sister. He also told a well written story, it had a beginning, him helping his sister, then him going to Aim High, and ending back with him helping his sister. I feel that an area of improvement would be more descriptive language, for example, metaphors, similes, and more formal syntax to describe his experiences of Aim High. And maybe like a specific story about one time he saw Juan struggling.

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One successful component of this essay was his ability to demostrate leadership and perseverance through rhetorical tools. He was also able to show her independance.
One area for imporvement would be to explain in abit more depth or more specifically how Aim High changed her and was beneficial to him.

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The essay showed the author's willingness to learn, by seeming to learn by teaching, and growing from his own experience as a mentor. The imagery brought the story to life with phrases about his sisters wide eyes, and the change of language to describe both his mother and the boy he mentored. The writing at times though seemed a little dry, simply stating what he learned rather than allowing the story to tell it for him. For example, the final sentence, "I never had a role model to look up to, so becoming a role model for younger students is more honoring than any certificates or awards" seems like the author is simply telling us what he could have told us in the story.

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This essay does a great job of demonstrating the willingness and the desire to help others who are in the same situation he was in himself, It also did a good job of linking the last part of the story with the first. One area for improvment is to add more literary devices to show her sotry to the reader not tell.

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One area of improvement could be to take some time to mention the certificates and awards he alludes to at the end of the paragraph and talk about how he felt receiving them in order to better compare the feeling of helping younger students to receiving a personal award.

The author demonstrated self confidence and leadership abilities by stepping up and helping his sister as well as the students at Aim High.

He also demonstrates an ability to work well with others and his, as he helped Juan out of his comfort zone and pushed him to be more successful in the classroom.

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It demonstrates self-sufficiency and independence (his taking care of himself and his sister when his parents were busy) and it demonstrates leadership qualities and willingness to work with others. (All throughout) It also has a good amount of descriptive words and flows fairly well.

This is kind of nit-picky but one area it could improve is that it's a lot of telling instead of telling, and the writing feels a little simple, like the diction doesn't quite match the syntax he was going for. (As a teacher approached that I did not know feels clunky, repetition of adverbs such as quickly, etc)